Day 355 – Mirage of Self Part 5

 Day 352 - Mirage of self Part 4

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Make how I look and how I present myself to always be for others, instead of making it for myself and who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Dress according to what other people like and only what other people like, and to disregard myself and what I can decide I like and what is comfortable with my body, - (outside of the work place for practical purposes).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use cloths to create a mirage of myself, instead of using cloths for the practical purposes only such as when I am at work, or when I am at home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only care about what I am wearing once I have gotten feedback from others on what they accept and allow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only wear clothes or walk a certain way or to stand in a certain position once I have gotten acceptance and allowance form others that it is all fitting an image and likeness of the mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Believe that the way I am living currently where I have to dress myself only according to what other people are accepting and allowing or where I can walk and talk and act certain ways only when others are accepting and allowing it, and that who I am is always less then, or that who I am naturally is always a fuck up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the way I dress and the way I walk and talk and how I behave around certain people all comes from what I have been taught within my first seven years of my life, through observing and through actually being forced into certain scenarios and events where behaviors and manner and ways or walking and talking and dressing is a custom so to say, and that through all these events I have come to create multiple mirages to give forth to people what I want them to believe/think of me, instead of who I am as the physical where I dress and where I walk and talk and behave because I have self-respect/self/honor and that the way I dress and walk and talk is always supporting the physical and practical and supporting my body instead of an image and likeness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I must be a different person, or simply give forth a mirage of myself depending on where I am and with who I am, seeing and realizing that this in the long term will have schizophrenia effects on me as I am training my body through my mind to split itself a lot into many mirages for many different events and people etc.

To be continued.

Day 352 – Mirage of self, Part 4

As a Kid, I was taught how to behave when I am in certain people’s presence, I was taught and shown how to behave when I am for instance with family members, or with other people such as strangers, and I was taught how to behave specifically with certain people within the family, like with my grandparents I had very specific manners and words I had to use and not use.

So I can see that I have been raised from childhood to give forth a image and that giving forth an image is more important than being yourself and enjoying yourself.

I was taught to not run and to play and to do things when and as I am with other people I do not know, I was taught to use good words/language and not to say the naughty words and to only be kind and polite, to not be honest and straight forward, because I might hurt the other peoples feeling or that I might disrespect them.

I was taught that I am not allowed to wear clothes that I am comfortable in but rather that I must wear clothes that are acceptable and nice looking for others.

Here I am looking at what I was taught within my first seven years, as I can recall some memories of events that occurred where this was imprinted as an experience, yet the actual teaching of it all happened in subtle moments, it happened within direct actions of the parents, where there was no choice, because the cloths was bought or me, I never decided on it, so within that very action I was already dressed as only being an Image and an Likeness, someone that must be presented as an Image and be liked as an image.

This is how I have been raised, yet there was those moments when I had cloths that I enjoyed and that was comfortable and that I could play within and be “Me” so to say, yet I have a memory of when such a moment was taken away from me because the cloths I was wearing that I enjoyed and that was comfortable was to Old and ugly and it was looking dirty and it was ripped on certain spots, so it wasn’t presenting a Image that is liked by others.

I see within my growing up, my first seven years that it was all about OTHER people, and that everything I do must be for other people, how I look must be for other people, how I speak and what I speak must be for other people, not within consideration of other people, that is a different story, it was to NOT speak as myself as being direct and honest and open, it was to HIE all the real stuff and keep it locked in and just look a certain way and present myself a certain way.

So why did I have to look a certain way and present myself a certain way when I was but only a young kid, because the parents believed that the kid looking good and presenting themselves good means they are good parents. Lol.

It was never even done for ME, it was and has always been for self-interest, the starting point was always for the self-interest of the parents themselves and their image and likeness, and now it is forced onto me as an image and likeness, and this is how I have learned to become a mirage, a presentation, instead of actually developing myself as a actual living being, where it isn’t necessary to hide fear, but to instead literally have no fear.
To be Continued.

Day 351 - Mirage of self Part 3

Day 349 - Mirage of self Part 1
Day 350 - Mirage of self Part 2

How did I create the thoughts/feeling/emotions within me in relation to the mirage of myself, what was it in my past that I believed that I need to have a mirage.

As I have seen for myself, thoughts/feelings/emotions does not just come from no where, they are first created through an experience, a physical event that takes place within the physical, where the mind then on a quantum mind level take all the information and store it within the physical, and thus creating a memory, as it is always in relation to survival.

So I see that the mind as consciences creates memories through events that have a experience added to it, then this experience becomes the thoughts/feelings/emotions, because the thoughts are like a trigger button, when and as the thought come up the motions/feelings comes next that then charges the mind consciences system and thus have behaviors in and as the physical.

so looking at my behaviors when and as I am within a Mirage of myself I can trace back the thoughts/feelings/emotions and thus find the origin point as the memories.

I see and realize that the memories will be of multiple layers as I simply create more and more memories daily as I am living as this mirage within and as the constant experience that triggers the thoughts and thus the behavior.

I do not see the memories and thus I am going to start with looking at what is here, and this is the behavior and the thoughts and the feelings and the emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present myself as Strong and stable within my physical posture when and as I am around other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Behave within my movements and my stance and the way I talk as the opposite of what I experience within me, seeing and realizing that when and as i behave as the opposite of that which exist within me that I am validating the inner experience/reality of myself as real and to have dominance over me and my behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to behave confident as speaking louder and moving faster and creating a pretending smile on my face to give the impression of confidence being present, when and as I am actually just giving a mirage of myself, seeing and realizing that within such behavior I am creating a polarity of what it means to be confident and what means not to be confident, and thus when and as i am not speaking louder and moving faster and having a smile on my face that it must mean I can not or should not or am not confident, yet it is all defined as such through my own definitions that I created through participating within such behaviors.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give forth that I am able to do anything within my behavior as being that which i desire to be of what i have seen within my reality from others behaviors as what behaviors means such as No fear and having self confidence and being strong and so forth, and thus only becoming a picture presentation of that as I have only seen it as pictures and interpreted it as what it was given forth to be, instead of becoming fearless and building self confidence in fact as who I am, seeing and realizing that I did it from a survival starting point, instead of a self creation point as who I am within what is best for all life.

To be continued.

Day 350 - Mirage of self Part 2

Day 349 - Mirage of self Part 1

reading Bernard Blog from today, I red about how it is pointless so to say writing and doing self forgiveness on point where I only keep on doing self forgiveness or writing in response to emotions and feelings an thoughts that I experience and that is within me, because the thoughts and the feelings/emotions is already a product so to say of something else.

And it was said within common sense that if one do not understand the creation process of the thoughts/feelings emotions then how can one possibly understand thoughts/feeling and emotions and so in return stop them.

Because I see that if and when I only do self forgiveness on the emotions/feelings and thoughts the whole time without fully understanding how I created them that I am within such actions accepting and allowing the thoughts to still be ME, when they are not me.

But to understand that the thoughts and the feelings/emotions are not me I have to obviously first understand how they are created and how I have created them, unless I do not understand the creation process of the thoughts/feelings/emotions I have I will always accept and allow them to be apparently me.

So how do I understand how I created and create thoughts/feelings/emotions and accept and allow them as me, as a believe of myself, as a religion of myself.

I am bringing this point that I have realized from Bernard's blog into this blog on the current topic of the mirage of myself, because I saw that I was doing this point once again as a response to the thoughts/feelings/emotions that I already have had and accepted and allowed as myself, and thus confirming to myself that I do not understand yet how I have created them. Did I even create them? Why did I create them? How did I create them, that is the one I will focus on, the how.

I want to use this topic, this blog and the blogs to come on the mirage of self to make it clear for myself, to give to myself the understanding,, to really get this point clear, I can obviously not do it on myself, I will listen to interviews that is in-relation to the point at hand of thoughts/feelings.emotions creation and accordingly apply myself,

Day 349 - Mirage of self Part 1

Dictionary Definition for mirage is.
Something that appears to be real or possible but is not.

Is who I present myself to be really who I am, or is it just how I appear to be, do I appear the way I make myself appear to others to give the Impression that I am possible of doing specific certain things, as a way to impose onto others.

I have been observing myself for years, I am participated as myself for years while being aware of all the inner realities and whats happening while participating in the real reality as the physical.

What I have notices is that when and as I face reality as the physical in each and every moment that I am in a constant friction, this friction is always me attempting to keep up a mirage.

This mirage is to hide what is going on inside, it is to protect the inner experience and ultimately my self interest which is my inner reality as my thoughts/feelings/emotions.

The friction is interesting, because I experience myself one way within me while I am attempting to keep the mirage of the opposite of that which is within me, for instance, if I experience myself as unstable.emotional within me, I will give the mirage of me being stable and strong as being able to handle certain specific fears within me.

For instance, when and as I am in fear of conflict within me, I will pull a though face, and I will start speaking more and louder and making manly sound when I speak, to make me sound like conflict as to say to everyone in my environment that I am conflict, I can handle conflict and then I also start walking tougher, and I will stand straighter and chin up and all kinds of physical things to create the mirage.

The mirage is proven to be NOT real and Not possible once an actual event/scenario takes place where there is for instance conflict, and suddenly I lose it all and I become the experience within me, the fear and the emotions and the unstable.

This is only one mirage, because the entirety of me is a mirage, I fear myself and who I am within me as my feelings/emotions and thoughts so I really do not want them to come out, I really don't like to be moved and controlled by my feelings/emotions and thoughts, and the only way I have ever learned to keep it hidden throughout my life was to create a mirage to hide it all, and through the mirage I avoid having to face my inner reality, because I believe that as long as I keep the mirage and avoid facing the inner me, then I am save.

This keeps going in circles and the mirage simply upgrade or install new information to change and to mutilate and to change according to the environments input.

For example, I face conflict and I fail to live up to the mirage that gives the illusion that I am capable of facing conflict and after the event the mirage will simply change to something else to make myself seem still capable of facing conflict and that i am OKAY, I am fine, the conflict did not effect me. This isn't helping as I never face who I am within it, but instead hide behind a mirage.

Day 149 – Living Commitment – Day 20 of 21 – False Image Stability continued

Day 149 – Living Commitment – Day 20 of 21 – False Image Stability continued

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in a constant expectation of the worst to happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that the worse that can happen to me is being yelled at and that my "stable" calm mode will be disrupted and that I will within this have a mind fuck about everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be disrupted by an outside force and that this can be the worst that can happen to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in constant fear of being disrupted, seeing and realizing that for me to be able to be disrupted like a volcano erupting is only showing me that I hide a lot of stuff within me that I keep secret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that what I keep secret within me such as thoughts will be revealed at any moment and that I will be exposed and that within this I will not be stable and calm and at peace with myself but the opposite, and within that I do not trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that what I fear to come out will come out as nothing is secret but only hidden.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown as who I am when I am not stable, seeing and realizing that I have seen who I am when I am not stable and since then I have only tried to hide that part of myself in the fear of this "me" showing himself when I am unstable, and thus hide all behaviours/mannerism from others and rather put on a face of stability in the hope that It will go away.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face myself in writing and applying self forgiveness as the Who I am when I am unstable/disrupted and to stand one and equal as me in actual stability as breathe, living self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus my process on others and what they might think of me, realizing that within this I am not really facing myself in self writing and self forgiveness as I am doing everything from the starting point of only seeming to be stable, as I am trying to keep the stable image I limit myself to ever go into what is here as that which I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as, as the mind and to walk for MYSELF my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk my process of purifying myself and standing as life on and equal in self sabotage and compromise as I limit myself within the belief that I must always only SEEM stable, yet I am not within myself stable at all, as long as I accept and allow one thought to run through me or one energetic experience I am not stable no matter what I try and present to others, thus I see and realize it isn’t what I present to others as being stable or not but that who I am as walking my process for myself, and that I do not accept and allow any thoughts/experiences within me and to not judge anything within me, as the judgment/opinion is purely me limiting myself form actually walking a point for real and stopping thoughts as the judgment only suppress or express curtain part as judgment is always based on good or bad, right or wrong and thus imitating me to actually work with all points equally.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that any opinion/judgment I have in relation to the experiences I have or the thought will only make the thoughts more and so the experiences as well, instead of breathing and not judging no matter what and thus not participating and giving it attention and so it is simple to breathe through the point, as I see this I yet have to actually realize it as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see thoughts/backchat happening within me to have the back chat of "Shit I am thinking I must stop" and to within this react and have a fear/anxious energy building up within me towards me having thoughts/backchat as the judgment I have when I say "shit I am thinking I must stop" is negatively charged and fear based as being wrong and that I am bad person. Realizing that yes thoughts are only abuse and not real and a lie, and this is not a point to fear/react from but to understand and to stop as breathe.

To be continued.

Day 143 – Living Commitments – Day 15 of 21 – Drowning in experience Continued.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that what I experience is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that what I experience must be real within justifying it through the back chat if “Well I am experiencing this feeling/emotion therefore it must probably be real” – not seeing and realizing that in that moment the back chat is making it seem real and thus I experience it as real where it has physical outflows in my day where I physically participate according to the experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the back chat of “Well I am experiencing this Feeling/emotion therefore it must be real” to exist within and as me as a justification for why I am creating the experience as real.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that what I experience within me as energy from the mind created through participating in thoughts and back chat is only an energetic experience within me that took physical energy from my body as the real energy and turned it into illusionary energy that I then belief must have some purpose/reason and thus I must follow the experience – not seeing and realizing the obvious that I created it with the reason/purpose in it through my back chat and thoughts I had and thus it isn’t special or meaning anything in fact, I created it so from illusions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create experiences for myself through participating within the mind as thoughts and back chat and to then “forget: how I created it with the thoughts and back chat and to after forgetting follow the experience as if it came from somewhere else and that it must mean something, only to find out in the end that I created it after the consequences has played out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value experience either good or bad above the physical reality as that which is real and valid, not seeing and realizing that when I valid something that isn’t real but only within the mind as illusions and energy and I attempt to follow and participate within it, in the physical and manifesting and illusion within that which is real I have no idea what I am doing and what the actual consequential outflows will be of my actions, as the world is the example/result of these every actions being applied everyday by all humans.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that it is impossible to stop energetic experiences within me through breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I am subject to the experiences I have within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only always give into energetic experiences I have within me and to never give myself the chance of breathing through them instead and to free myself from the chains of the experience so that I Breathe freely where I am not directed by energy but instead direct myself as self will/movement as life as that which is best for all life in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react and fear all experiences I have within me – within the reaction being of “oh no not this experience again” – not seeing and realizing that within that I have already allowed the experience to direct and control me, instead of breathing and not giving any space for any energetic movement within me as I occupy all of me as myself as breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move through live without nay integrity and self will accepting and allowing everything to influence me and to make me experience something to what I am them enslaved to and limited to as the experience and thus only giving myself the option of following experiences and never living life as myself as life as that which is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk around without any direction in my life, within the fear of life and thus only allowing everything around me to direct me instead of me Breathing and being here as WHO I decide I am in each breath so that I stand as life and cannot be moved by any outside forces through my permission, as my permission is already me giving myself permission to stand as Life and to always life that which is best for all life with no alternatives.

To be continued

Day 142 – Living Commitments – Day 14 of 21 – Drowing in experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I a emotional to belief that the emotion is permanent till it go away by itself in time, not realizing that I can instead BREATHE and not participate within the emotional experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from what I experience as something happening to me, not seeing and realizing that I am the creator of the experience as I am experiencing it only within myself, thus I can stop it, realizing the tool of breathing is how I earth myself HERE with what is real as the physical and not internal experiences of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am within an energetic experience where I feel like I just can not stop the experience, to not test it for myself physically and breathe and to not even consider breathing as I am in fear of the experience I am having which only creates the experience more, thus seeing and realizing that when and as I am within an energetic experience to slow down and to stop all judgment of the experience and to breathe instead of giving into the experience as being real. As breath will proof what is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to when and as I am filed with fear to belief that the fear will always be here in these scenarios, realizing that in that moment I am already creating and manifesting all future scenarios within the already expected experience of fear, instead of Breathing and re – programming myself in BREATHE – realizing that my bodies cells renew every three seconds, and thus I have every three seconds to renew myself in each breath as my entire body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the understanding that my body at a cellular level is basically new everyday and yet I keep on copying and creating the old over and over onto the new as it is set in stone, which is a lie as the body clearly shows the cells die and renew every few seconds and thus isnt set in stone, and thus re-programming self IN breathe as life as the physical is possible in each breath on what I decide Who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the physical evidence is here as the flesh/body and the breathe that the past is constantly re-created by me and my participation within each and every thought I have onto the new, instead of giving myself self forgiveness in each breathe where I am walking new in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that everyday and all the experiences I have everyday will simply be here and the same till I die, not seeing and realizing that within that belief I have already created every single day I might still be alive to be so, as I have accepted and allowed it as my entire beingness to be so and thus not doing anything real to change it as Who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I decide who I am in each breathe through what I accept and allow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief it is impossible to change something that I have been living for almost all my life, such as fear/anxiety/stress within certain situations and that because it has always been like that it must always continue like that – typical sheep programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drown myself in the past within the belief that everything from the past must always be the same again in the future and thus always living in a gloomy amnious way of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT breathe and instead to give into memories of the past and project them into the future as already set in stone things that will happen and how I have to already experience myself when those things happen, realizing that I am deliberately already creating it as such, not giving myself the opportunity to instead breathe and be here in a new moment of change and re-birth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear that tomorrow will just be the same as yesterday, and that I will just have all the same thoughts again, where I can not stop them, and where I will have the same reaction again towards the same situations again and that I will do this and that the same again and my day will end the same way again, not seeing and realizing that I am within participating in thoughts/memories and future projections of those things creating it in my whole beingness, and within this LIMIT myself and trap myself in a life of habit and patterns that isnt best for all Life and only in support of the mind enslavement.

To be Continued.

Day 94 – The Fearful Character sits and waits P4

I commit myself to when and as I see a situation.scenario play out in front of me and/or somewhere else in the world, to take action in the moment to move and direct myself and to not give in to the thoughts of what I could be doing instead of take responsibility for the world and myself such as me instead watching TV or going out to the movies, or partying with friends or playing a PC game, and to not fall for my OWN trap within my back chat that of “ I do not need to do this, there are other people taking care of earth and me” or “I don't have to do anything, it is my choice” and to realize that this is the mind attempting to keep me enslaved and to not stand up, and to keep the fear/anxiety alive, just so that the mind can feel it is save and in control and okay, while the physical reality is clearly showing me that there is problems and needs attendance instantly and thus realizing that any form of postponement will only accumulate the problems/consequences that I will face equally with all life here on earth, and thus my fear/anxiety will in the end not at all be of any excuse in the face of life as I will be AWARE of every-time I deliberately made the decisions to rather go watch movies or party or TV and to not take self responsibility using fear/anxiety as an excuse and that I do not know how to do anything any ways – and thus realizing that I could/can use all the time I spend doing something else instead of taking responsibility to find out HOW in FACT I can change the world through starting with myself and investigating how the world and everything works so that I can change it as myself. 

I commit myself to when and as I see/find myself participating within back-chat of “ this is to much” I can not do this – to stop and realize that I am only talking to myself that way because of thoughts that I have of what else I could still be doing – such as seeing myself having a fun time laughing instead” or “playing video games all day long and not having a care in the world” – and to realize that it is in fact not to much, it is only through the mind participating in thoughts that is not HERE in the present moment and within back-chat that is internal Conversations CONning me with temptation and cunning words of deceptive reason and Justifications that is purely based on an energy feeling/emotion experience of the mind all based on SELF interest and NOT what is best for all LIFE and thus it is not real but an illusion that I desire to rather have, to not have to face the physical reality that is here in the present as the future I decide I create that includes all life all ways– realizing that the thoughts/feelings/emotions and back chat is but all pre-programmed in me of the past as experiences/memories and thus it is not real but the past, it is over, and if I want to relive the past over and over through not taking self responsibility for the future to come I will face great consequences that I created for myself, it is like driving for a cliff and you can see it but you enjoy driving fast to much to slow down And stop. Its all an energetic drive/experience and not what is real as LIFE as that which is currently being destroyed/mutilated/neglected/fucked up for consumerism and making money and thus I realize that it is this act of not taking self responsibility for myself but rather stay in fear/anxiety that all humans do with their own justifications and reasons that fucking up LIFE and thus I have to start with myself as I realize everyone has to start with themselves if we want to see any change before it is to late.