Blog 686 - No One Understands Me Character

This is a dimension on the point of "no one understands me" and how this is a reality for all almost 8 billion humans on earth, not to mention the animals and plants on this planet.

I have walked my whole life being not understood by others, by the things I have said, done, or how I have acted and behaved, as I always wanted people to see me, that I am a good person, that my intentions was meant to be good and who I am is good. So, I would end in many arguments, as a child and a teenager with people in a "bad" way, as I felt throughout all the conversations and interactions that no one understood me, get me.

I have seen through so many others in their relationships and marriages how this same point play out, no one feels understood, truly understood, which is what people desire, as they want to be able to be seen and not live as an idea or opinion or some image in someone else's head, they want to be real and to be felt and to be honoured as the real person they believe or know they are within themselves, YET, this never happens and will never happen, it is a fairy tale, not within reality.

Imagine this if you will, for a moment use your imagination for a practical point, you are in essence asking 8 billion humans to understand you as you do, to never have to face any resistance, conflict or any form of arguments or feedback, which is impossible. Now, when we take it back to a smaller scale, we might have a partner and we desire and want them to understand us as we do ourselves, and they will want to same back, so you will basically spend about your whole life getting to truly understand and feel each other as you each would like to be understood by one another. Thus, your whole life will be spent trying to get the other person or people to understand you, or you will spend your whole life to find someone that "gets you" understands you.

You can see why most marriages fail in this world, why more relationships end up sour, why most people on earth can not live or work together, because no one is understanding one another, everyone is fighting to be understood, and no one is winning. 

This is because everyone is trying to be understood as characters/personalities to be validated, and it will never happen, some people claim this, that they have broken the code to understand their partner, yet, you have to be careful here. Let me explain.

If you claim to be understood by someone and that they just get you, they know you, they understand you, does that not mean and proof and show that you are just a program that can be read? and are they and you then yourself not enslaving yourself and each other to this "under/standing" of who you apparently are? it does not leave much space for self-change then, does it?

I have fought for years to be understood, and all I found was that I was enslaving myself first and foremost to the IDEA of it, to be understood by someone and to then feel that nice connection with them. After the idea, when I got it, I had someone that got me, understood me, it did not mean anything in the end, because I had to still change and thus the understanding of me had to change, which made it much harder to change, and vice versa.

So, what is the solution?

Living within principles - when we live within principle, the principle of what is best for all, the first and foremost important thing is to take care of yourself, take self responsibility for your self, if you feel mis-understood in a moment, take a moment to breath, take a moment to find out how you can communicate better, learn new words, expand your vocabulary to be more effective in bringing your points across, Yet, this can not be done for someone to understand YOU, it is to understand the POINT you are talking about. Since you are living in principle, it is not about YOU, it is about the POINT.

Then it is to make sure you take care of you in understanding yourself, this is YOUR process, and from learning about your programming, you take the steps to realize this YOU that you want everyone to understand is NOT you, it is a learned and programmed you, thus the YOU you are trying to understand is actually you trying to understand the programming that is ruining (sorry, I mean running) your life, and that you need to remove this programming with using the tools of writing and self forgiveness and adding in new LIVING words and commitment statement to live as YOU creating you, thus totally understanding yourself and living yourself.

I have spend a good amount of time walking this point within me, writing, self forgiveness and going through a lot of past trauma and friction and conflicts I created within this point, and how I then created a character within myself that is a base design of victimization, where the character walks around sobbing that no one understand me, creating anger and rage.

This is unacceptable.

I have learned, whenever I feel someone isn't understanding me, I am first of all using that person to blame for not seeing my programming that I myself am not seeing, and that I was trying and attempting to use them to show me my programming, and thus placing a responsibility on them that is mine and they can never help me with it, that I have to take on what I am trying to understand through another for and as myself, and that to then understand that programming of me, means I have to delete it and create myself to stop seeking to be understood.

By doing this, I will not and do not have fear of expressing myself, as I have no hidden programming that needs "understanding" before the points I am sharing and expressing makes sense, as they will be based in principle and thus my creation as self expression within what is best for all as me, best for me and another in effective communication of points, not of me and my characters and personalities that seeks validation.

No one should ever understand YOU, You should know thy self and from there live and express points within principle as who you are.

Feeling Trapped - Day 660

When I was a teenager, I had a secret bag in my closet, packed with what I deemed "survival gear" lol. This bag was a manifestation of my readiness to sneak out of the house and disappear, to run away, to get out of the TRAP we call life.

I would lay in my bed at night, spending a lot of my time thinking about how I would run away, where I would go, what I would do, even to the point where I would be willing to kill others on my journey if they wanted to harm me. I would then think about how to hide the bodies, what to do with the bodies to not be caught, I had the idea that since I am a runaway, no one would suspect me, or find me.

My idea of running away once manifested for about 45min, I climbed out of a window with my bad, I started walking, down the street, it was very dark, very quiet, and I knew where I wanted to go.

I walked all the way to the highway which stretched for hundreds of kilometers away from everything into the wilderness of life. I stood still at this highway, I took in the cool fresh air, I looked around a bit, taking in the view. Then I heard a few men and bottles behind me moving and making noises, I immediately RAN as fast as I could all the way back to my parent's house, climbed into the back through the window and got back into bed.

My idea was shattered. I remained trapped in this world, I could not even leave my home freely, without fear of being murdered, kidnapped and who knows what else.

I had this feeling of being trapped no matter where I was, with friends, family, new people I lived with, relationships, name it all, I always ended up feeling trapped, stuck, like whatever I am in now is the reason for me to feel trapped, so I HAD to get the fuck out, IF I got out, well you guessed it, I felt trapped again not too long after in the new place, new people, new everything.

I became addicted to certain music, trance, techno, and many other types of music as a way to escape into my mind, eventually, I felt trapped by the music lol.

With walking my Desteni process I asked myself one question on a day after doing some great self-forgiveness - what if I am the trap, that traps everything and everyone else, what if I am responsible for trapping things through my constant experience of being trapped as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to TRAP other people within my experience of being trapped, and so actually create and manifest not just the experience of being a victim that is trapped, but live in such a way that I actually trap myself and others within my reality as being trapped as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself within the thoughts that I am trapped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself within my own patterns and habits designed and laid out of that being trapped, and so actually trap myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see reality as a trap, and so see everyone else as people that t that want to trap me, and thus already create distrust within me towards others based on an illusionary world in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize the trap I have been trying to run away from was/is within me as the mind, as the thoughts/behaviors/patterns that I participate within religiously as truth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse others through constantly holding the judgement within me that they are stupid trapped people that does not even know it and so they are less than human, and more like zombies, and so use people only for my own persuit of happiness in escaping the trap and being free, while trapping everyone else by abusing them.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize how I abuse others and do onto others exactly that which I fear is being done onto me within my MIND as an idea/feeling/thought, and yet manifesting it into reality through my living/bahaviour and patterns.
I forgive myself that I have not seen how I caused and created a TRAP of fear for my parents of me wanting to run away, out of a fear and feeling of msyelf for being trapped.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to SEE and realize how I trapped women in pamen in pain and emotional turmoil by cheating on them, breaking up with them just because I felt trapped.

I forgive myself that I have not seen and realized that I as teh paranoid and fearfull person of being trapped, causes and causes enslavement and entrapment through my actions to want to GET out only for myself, and so in the process abuse and trap everyone else. yet I never seem to get out but only more and more trapped as I try to get out.

I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realize that the more I want to get out of the trap of being poor, thus not being rich and so pushing to get out at any cost, I am pushing others int poverty and trapping them in the exact position that I want to get out of.

I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realized that I must stop, simply stop, any and all enegry, all movement within as energy, breathe and move myself from HERE as a single point of movement as living what is best for all standing one and equal as ALL that is here, to see and realize that we are ALL trapped, and we ALL want the same, feel the same, need the same in common sense, and so there is NO way only I am getting out unless we all get out one and equal, where getting our does not mena running away, but where we all stand for and as each other in oneness and equalyt, changing the system, supporting one another within personal change, and not to push someone else down so that one can be ontop.

Day 641 – LIFE is so GOD DAMN SERIOUS

Life is so god damn serious (sour)!! Really? Is it life that is serious? Ok, I will take this back to myself – I am so GOD DAMN SERIOUS!!

Why am I so serious? And when do I get so serious? I mean, it sometimes feels like everything is just serious, like I am walking on sharp stones that is LIFE or DEATH, if I just take one single step wrong on these rocks I will fall into DEEP SHIT, shit that I can’t handle? Shit where others will make things shit/hell for me?

All my ACTIONS and WORDS are connected directly or indirectly to the one thing, the one ring that binds us ALL – MONEY. Every word I utter/speak, every action I take or make leads to consequences with MONEY – may it be positive or negative, that’s the point of the word consequences.

Did I say the right thing? Or the wrong thing? Who LIKES what I said/say and who does not? Did I do or am I doing something someone does not like, or like, I mean fuck, what is this, my survival/life is literally dependant on what others think of me, or is it?

We go deeper. Reason can be YES, if your boss does not like you, or your clients does not like you, FUCK it, you can suffer, get fired or have no customers, regardless of what you have to offer – If the opinions of others are against you, you lost, and you will feel the wrath of opinions through how your very survival is threatened, like a deep spitefulness, a knife used to show you are disliked, so suffer.

Ok, expressing the seriousness as the feeling, the emotion within is what’s coming up, the imagery and the words, sentences, which are sentencing me to my own convictions of me as my own judgments of myself and onto others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to BE and ACT so serious in everything I do, as if life or death hangs at the balance of if I am being serious or not in my appearances, in my acting. Am I acting the right way, if this character convincing enough to be on the edge of being right, this sharp edge of a knife that I can so easily slip off from and cut myself in half, who am I?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that I have been TOLD and thus to HOLD onto as the MOST important things in life, which is MONEY and people liking you to be the MOST serious of things, and thus within these two points find myself in a prison as people are everywhere and money is all I see in this world, so apparently everything is important except me, so I must take this very serious.

Anything that has to do with MONEY must be so fucking serious, so fucking fragile, it is like handling fucking god, be careful with money, take care of money, protect your money, make sure you have enough money to retire, make sure you have insurance, it is VERY serious issues, because you can die, well you will die. But still be so oh so serious about this, but please be so reckless with how you treat the planet and animals and nature and all else that exist here, that is less serious.

Talk about taking things personally, so many people, so many colours, so many histories, so many different pasts, so many of everything, always be serious, because you might just not be serious one time and DIE.

There is a major difference between being serious and respect, consideration and understanding. Seriousness is the part where everything is personal, say the wrong word, write something wrong, and you are in serious shit, better to always be serious to avoid serious shit, be the serious shit to give the serious shit, just be serious.

Reckless isn’t the opposite of seriousness, reckless is the opposite of consideration, the opposite of seriousness is actually RELAX and breathe, stop your fear and insecurities.

Now – serious exists, the ENERGY that we take on within serious is the problem, the serious energy that consumes us with the emotion of burden, the emotion of life or death is on the line here in every single things we do, big or small, that our very essence is on the line.

This is revealing a “problem” – wait, I am getting serious again, I just cannot stop myself, I MUST be serious, because then everyone else will take me serious, and then I will have value, wait I am anyway getting to my point of what the problem is through exposing my serious approach on what the problem is haha.

Your hair is falling out - Serious

Your teeth are bad – Serious

You don’t look so healthy – serious

Your relationship – serious

Your job/business – serious

Solving global issues – serious

ANYTHING to do with MONEY – serious

Serious – sourness

How can we solve or do ANYTHING in this world when we take on the essence/spirit of SOUR to solve things, to take things head on, with the sourness attitude and approach.

To take things serious isn’t to take on a “character” that is possessed by a certain mind set/personality that now behaves and acts a certain way to be serious and to apparently be “genuine” – that is an illusion, which is a problem attempting to solve a problem.

Take a look – ANY problem that is attempted to be taken on to a solution where a serious character is involved, shit goes sour, the sourness route, it starts to have like an acid attack on it, trying to dissolve the problem by attacking it with an acid, sourness. By taking the sweetness out of everything and anything to apparently solve a problem, dissolving the sweetness – because ones VIEW point within the serious character sis that of DEATH of LIFE, a polarity design, this or that and so REAL solutions cannot be seen or approached, the seriousness will stop anything that is “different” and not serious, not one way or the other.

In your relationship, take a look, any point that is taken on to solve a problem or to resolve conflicts of interest, to come to an agreement turns SOUR when the approach is SERIOUS – it is a fuckup.

How can we ever get really serious when we are only serious to be serious about seriousness as a way to show or hold up something about ourselves on a personal level – may it be of self-value or of self-interest intents (fears or insecurities hidden).

We are like little serious soldiers that seriously uphold an Image of who we believe we must be in certain to even all events/situations that we have accepted and allowed to be a imprint onto us from our parents/those that has gone before us. Imagine yourself being a little soldier, with your one hand by your head saluting to your two parents standing in front of you. I mean, parents do suck the fun out of anything, NO, NO, NO, don’t, do not do that, That cost money, stop it, NO you can’t, NO, I said NO and I said so, I am your parent that is why, you don’t do that, stop doing that, you are my little hero, you are my princess, you are my prince, you are adorable, you are this and that and so on, you are just everything EXCPET you, a sour childhood indeed for most. So you better be serious about living what your parents told you and programmed into you, because that shit defines you, that’s serious shit, you do not DARE breaking that shit, you do not dare failing at those programs drilled into you, you little soldier. It is NOTHING personal to parents, YOU/I accepted and allowed it, WE must change ourselves, so don’t take anything out on your parents. Although you changing you for you can seem a bit different, some friction.

We are programmed to FEAR everything, we are programmed to walk around in this serious manner about ourselves, like everything is at risk all the time, that we must and can never DARE ourselves to express, it isn’t trustworthy, because there is NO fear in expressing ourselves, so it is dangerous, we cannot cross the lines of control and be creative because that unknown, so the serious instructions in everything, from relationships to money HAS to be followed to the T.

How do we move from programmed fear driven SERIOUSNESS to actual SERIOUSNESS as life.

SERIOUS can be SEE I ROSE – how do I RISE, and see it for ME/myself – I remove myself from the eyes that I place onto myself as to what I should and should not be doing, and so I rise above the programs and step into my self-expression and creativity to be HERE fearless. I rise from fear and I SEE I am HERE.

A Simple example – if YOU ever face a situation where you will go into the typical thought of “I must fear this situation” stop the fear and see HOW can you actually direct the situation OUTSIDE of the guidelines of fear OR insecurities, yet have the BEST outcome for ALL involved.

I suggest you look at the following typical situations most people face within this world that is defined as serious, I want you to REMOVE the word serious from the situation, and remove within you the FEAR of what such a situation possible can mean, or are currently meaning for you and others.

Having a ton of Debt – serious right?

Business is failing – serious right?

Relationship issues – serious right?

Not finding a job – serious right?

Now, I am not saying they are NOT serious, I want you to see how the serious MIND SET is like having a square box in front of your face with only a small hole cut in it to see through. Removing that box/seriousness opens up a whole new view/world and removes the FEARS of possibilities and instead opens up possibilities for creative and expression of self, outside of what we were programmed to see and how it should be and will be and can be.

Do this for yourself, and see who you are without fear/insecurities and move and direct yourself with solutions within creativity and expression that is best for all as an outcome. This also means removing a lot of emotions/feelings that has been developed around this “serious view” in approaching life and situations, like depression, anxiety, stress and so forth, breathe and drop them, drop that shit, it is limiting the view and creative self. but still, don't get delusional.

Now as a side note – do not create any expectations, because that’s acting on the energy of “hope” and thus positive enforcement, instead of real practical steps – these real practical steps can surprise you if one dares to break the bondage of self to fear.

To just one last time make it clear - serious things are things that requires direction - it is the who we are within the seriousness that determines EVERYTHING - and this who we are within it, that will be HOW we are driving it, and because we all have this weird way of being serious, we tend to drive things to a negative most of the times, to a point of fear, instead of solutions and direction (direct actions)

Fear of missing out – How Bernard Supported me with this point. Part 1

As a child, every time I heard my mother’s hair dryer blowing from her room, I would get anxious. The thought would come to mind of, where is my mother going??

I have throughout time learned that when my mother is doing her hair, that she is going out. I never KNEW when she was going out, she never informed me of her going out. I would just hear the hair dryer blowing, and I would immediately know she is going out and I MUST go with. I would drop whatever I was doing and quickly change my cloths and get ready. By the time she would pass my room I would tell my mother I am coming with.

My mother would respond and say, I am just going to go get some shopping. I did not care, I just wanted to go with, I feared missing out on something, I wasn’t ever sure what, so I went with to see what it might be. It always ended up with me just hanging around my mother walking around.

In those moments, I would drop whatever I was busy with, even if it was something I was already enjoying, like playing a game, or building with my blocks, or simply enjoying being where I am. In return, going with my mother, I missed out on what I was doing, dropping it half way and not focussing on myself, who I am and what I was doing, I was chasing something out there. 

How I developed this I am not sure, but it bled out into all aspects of my life, with friends, with Girlfriends, with so many things, I would always drop ME and rather rush to the event, the thing, the place to see what else is there, fear of missing out. It would always end up the same, me being here with me simply in a different situation or event or place. Sometimes it lead to weird things, or not so cool things. 

I got addicted to wanting to always KNOW, to always wanting to be informed, to be up to date to be in the LOOP of what’s happening, even if it had nothing to do with me, or had any relevance to me, I just wanted to be there. 

For example: I would be cleaning my room, something I resisted, yet here I am cleaning my room, focusing on me and improving me a bit more, then I hear that hair dryer blowing from my mother room, I drop the cleaning, change my cloths and forget about me and my improvement in a single moment and rush to this other place. Looking for me, something. 

Same with wanting to quit alcohol when I was drinking heavily and having to many hangovers, I would give myself a goal of not drinking, but as soon as a party starts and I am informed of that party, I drop that goal and there I GO, and at the party, I drink, because I fear missing out, I fear missing something. Back at square one. 

When I came to the farm, the first week after being here, Bernard told me that I will probably not leave the farm for about three months, and he asked me if I can handle that. I looked at him and said YES SURE, that should not be a problem. I had no idea why I would not be able to leave the farm for three months. In that time I did want to go to town a few times, and Bernard would say I can go, IF I can give him a reason that is valid for why I want to go to town which would mean me not doing my responsibilities and postponing them, and each and every time I had a reason Bernard would check y common sense and self-honesty within my reasons. 

For example, I would see someone is climbing into a car to go to town, and I would go to that someone and ask, hey can I come with, that other person would say sure, yes, you can come with, and I would respond with saying, OK, let me get my stuff. So I would run to my room to quickly get my stuff, Bernard would see me running and ask WHERE ARE YOU GOING? And I would slow down and look at him and say, I want to go to town, and Bernard would ask why? As I give my reason such as I need cigarettes, then Bernard would say, just give them the money to get it, you need to finish raking the grass in the fields today before the rain comes.

This kind of situation occurred each time I wanted to go to town, I first of all tried to go to town without Bernard noticing me, as I KNEW he would challenge me and check up on me, so I wanted to do is in a sneaky way, YET, he caught me each time. 

This continued for about 3 months, where I did not leave the farm. I went through a sort of a withdrawal of some sort, where I got a bit depressed and angry, as I could not go to town for no reason, YET each time I was redirected BACK to what I NEED to do, and that whatever I wanted in town, someone else could just get it for me, so while they do that I do what I could do best and get things done. 

So, by now you must know, Bernard pushed this point perfectly, if you look at how I used to live out this point and how he then supported me in facing this missing out point, I was forced to focus on ME and what I am doing, unlike how I used to just DROP what I am doing to run after other things in the fear of missing out. 

After those three months and a bit more, I started going to town a lot more, specifically to get my driver’s license that I failed the first time before I came to the farm. I got it in December 2008 with the farm support. 

Something very interesting changed within me and who I am in going into town. The first time after three month and a bit I noticed and experienced going into town a LOT different, everything felt so BUSY and stressed and tense and heightened in energy, my stomach was turning and I felt like throwing up. I remember when I went with Bernard he told me to BREATH as I have not dropped the energy to going to town, so now I can actually experience what is really going on, the systems and everything in play all the time, as I used to go to town to PLUG in, I now went to town not plugging in as much, but was more aware of the plugging in from within me, what I went to town for previously to support system and programs within me, to keep me upgraded and to keep my personality in tack by feeding myself in town, the city with mind consciousness systems. 

This is quite interesting. Because I used to go to town to literally FEED my ego, my personality, to make sure I am still in check, that I still fit in, that I am not out of date, that I have all the programs upgraded and working, all my apps are running fine to survive in the system. And after three months of not rushing to town, going to town within that energy, I felt WAY out of date, not updated, and wanting to update felt sickening, what I was doing to myself, selling myself out. 

Me not updating myself and my programs and doing the upgrades that are consistent within the system, just like the apps on our phones and all their updates occurring the whole time, I lost complete touch for a long time with the system, I would not shower of bath after doing some sweaty work, for a few days even, I would simply take a dip in the pool, put the same cloths on I worked with and wear gumboots that smell like horse shit and go to town, standing in lines where people would literally move away from me and look at my gumboots weird. I did not do this deliberately, I simply did it because I kind of didn’t know better anymore, I didn’t have the upgrades, so I went to town as I was. 

I did this for years, never upgrading, never plugging back in, never access those systems. I instead went as me, as me requiring only me to be who I am and living, expressing. It was only possible because of where I was/am, the Desteni farm, and the opportunity was here for me to live this to be this, to stand as this and to see what is here, how it works and going deeper, to in the long run stand as a support for others that might not have the same opportunity yet facing the same points, such as now, now is the time. 

I will continue in Part two, sharing more and deeper points as this fear of missing out went from one polarity to another and finding a balance, also how this point was pushed even further by Bernard for me to face in specific moments.