C O N T R O L

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being controlled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Desire control over certain things/people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that any attempt to control others is me controlling only myself and e3nslaving myself to that control system one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear LOSING the control I believe I have, where I fear if I lose control that everything will be lost, gone, that all I have worked so hard for will be for nothing, seeing and realizing that all I fear is me and who I will be, thus I see and realize that I can choose/decide who I am no matter what happens and thus I can let go of control, allow flow, allow things to grow, allow processes to move and unfold where I am or can not directly have an impact, or say, and so focus on me my living here and directing myself as water do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can control

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that to want to control is to confirm one’s fear, thus control is a direct form of fearful living, where I will approach situations or people with control out of fear, instead of approaching people or situations simply with common sense and to be open to receive, to learn, to give, to teach equal and one where all is considered and thus no control is required.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am able to control things/others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that control is a coping mechanism, as to come with what is here, versus finding a real solution.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that CONTROL is a form of avoidance, where I control things in my environment as to avoid reactions, to avoid parts of myself within myself that I do not like to face, take on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to control and to be able to control something is power, not seeing and realizing that within placing control onto others/myself I enslave myself and others to a certain way things are, and so must always be in a certain MODE of control, enslaving myself to a character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that I must CHANGE myself, come to agreements and implement principle living where control becomes obsolete, renders it useless in the mind, where I live like water, water can not be controlled it will flow, rain, vaporize, it will find a way to move and direct itself to be life giving, as the principle and agreement of water is life giving and so always move to do that, nothing more and nothing less, and any imbalance within that does not require more control, as it is impossible, but rather solutions/corrections within the principle for the flow of life to be here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control the outcome of something, as I have come to believe that my way is the right way, and no one else is to be trusted, or can be trusted. THUS creating distrust and so the opposite of the desired outcome, as all control is lost through only distrust being acted on in the disguise of control. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I believe I have control over something, over people and a direction within how things are moving, to feel powerful, to feel like things are getting done, to feel that things are finally moving forward, only to find out that control is a moment, and eventually the truth comes to the surface that control is not possible, and so go into a polarity of I am failing, everything is falling backwards, nothing is working out, and so within that lose control within me and my direction, as I find it was a house of cards built upon illusions as control.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to misdirect control as to create the illusion of change only to maintain control, only postpone the inevitable, only prolong the process of LIFE that needs to flow, that needs to move, and only through allowing the water to flow and to reach it’s destination, it must be let lose, as it will become swampy, contaminated if it only sits still in the same pond, not moving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of self-control and to let myself live, to be. To express without fear of what others will think of me or how they will judge me, and so allow my waters to flow, to grow to find their ways to HERE, to stop controlling me to be a certain way in fear of what others will think, as I see and realize it is about me and my living, who I am and allowing myself to see myself, especially when I move, when my waters move, when I can grow and give as I have received as water does and do.

I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realized that living by the principle of what is best for all life in all ways naturally renders control useless, as principle living is who I am, and thus I do not have to control who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to flow, to move, to grow and to focus on myself, to let my self-control go, my moralities, to trust my principle in living as water trust itself to be water, life giving, and therefore no control needed, not a one way or a certain way, I must be the way as the movement as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as someone comes to challenge me, what I am doing, or parts of me, to immediately move into control, to control the situation, instead of allowing it to flow all the way, to flush out the waters that isn't needed, to trust the moment that is challenging me to stir the waters to remove any impurities, and so seeing that in such moment I must breathe, I must focus on what is presented within me, find the reactions that want to push me to control, let them go, let the new in and let it flow, I see and realize in such moment I must breathe and stand by my principle, no need to think, hold within me, what is best for all and thus myself with the new information presented within what is here as life, what works, what is best, and move with that based on principle, not personal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find comfort in the illusion of control.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the wind blowing against me, pushing me freely around as a dance to be my expression, but to rather be fighting the winds, not wanting to move.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR letting go of what I define as the BEST way that I see, or that was given to me a certain way to do a certain something, in the fear of taking the long way, the wrong way or going through unnecessary processes and learning experiences to only come at the same point again given to me, and thus going into control, where I control myself to NOT flow, to not move, to not grow, to now TRUST myself as the WAY given to me as a living expression in who I am in all ways, as water does, water does not change no matter where it goes, water remains water, and water will go through anything and everything, around, under, above, through as it is THE way and it remains life giving in all ways, even when they way physically changes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe letting go is giving up.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let GO of what can be let go of, as a point of allowing myself to flow, to open up space as to move and be HERE, more effective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear Letting go of what I can see is not necessary, that I am simply holding onto for the sake of control, the illusion of power and the fear of experiencing myself different.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear different things, to fear different sides of myself, to fear what I do know is suppressed and hidden within me, and know I have been controlling things in the attempt to avoid them, where I see control as the only way, yet knowing I cna take a pen and paper, or a blog and write, forgive myself, investigate the point to remove fear, to allow myself to move forward anew.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to HIDE myself, parts of myself through controlling myself.

......



First, Silence in the Storm/self, STOP the panic in the pandemic - Self forgiveness 1




Photo by <a href="https://stocksnap.io/author/200">Matthew Henry</a> from <a href="https://stocksnap.io">StockSnap</a>

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that as long as I have a reaction/fear towards how the current pandemic is handled within the world, that is validates my opinions about it, not seeing and realizing that my reaction/fear is contaminating my seeing and information processing, and thus my opinion is just that, an opinion running wild with assumptions and projections, where I am projecting my fear and reactions into and onto reality, wanting it to be validated and confirmed by others to feel safe, to feel that I am on the right path, and so as to not have to experience fear or my reactions. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of my opinions/believes/ideas and to be still/quiet within me regarding the pandemic, the world and what is going on, to really see what is HERE, in fear of that what I believe it to be not being real, not being my fear, not being what I want it to be. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that I want my opinions/believes to be the TRUTH of what is going on within the world, as I then feel in control, and so when I feel in control I feel I will not lose, and so I will impose and even manifest my opinions/believes and ideas to be real just to be in control to win, to be right., and thus I see and realize that I am the creator of what I fear, by acting out of fear and on my fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being caught with my pants down regarding what is going on in this world regarding this pandemic and thus fear what I am going to do, thus who I am going to be, and so I see and realize that what I fear is me, my reactions, my experiences, my worst fears coming true, and not the pandemic itself, but rather me within it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown, to fear what I can not see and do not know, and so within this state of fear go into attempting to make things Known to myself, by taking the fears and projecting them outwards into my reality and manifesting them, so that I can see them, anywhere and everywhere as to attempt to make everything known, so that I can point fingers and say, LOOK there it is, I am right, I know, I can see, and thus not only manifesting my fear in my reality within what is here, but to in fact reinforce it through getting others to agree with my opinions and to stand with me, as two or more in my name, and it shall be done. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear the virus, to make my fears about the virus, and thus anything and everything said about the virus becomes fuel for my fear, and not my common sense, my self-trust, and thus I sell out myself to fear of the virus, where the virus is this monster, yet not looking at what brings a virus about within this world, how it spreads and how it is handled, which can show it is not the virus to fear, but rather seeing that mans fear manifested a world where only fear exists and thus a virus can exist that effects all equal and one, and so I see and realize it is a world that I must change by being the change first within myself, stopping me existing as fear and rather living within consideration of all life, as what is best for all life practically. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create more separation between me and my fellow humans within this pandemic by NOT stopping my thoughts/feelings and emotions FIRST and foremost of my interpretations and projections of the pandemic, and to actually have a real conversation with my fellow man, instead of simply IMPOSING and forcing my opinions and believes of the situation onto them. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself and my position and my OPINIONS the GOOD side, where I am on the right side, and I CARE and everyone else that does not share the same FEELINGS as me towards the pandemic will be BAD people, and so in fact create more separation and the signature of WAR between my fellow man, and thus I see and realize I must stop, I must slow down and look, is WAR with my fellow man a better option than dealing with the pandemic, is separating myself from others a better way forward? I see and realize this is NOT best for all, thus I take self-responsibility and I stop, as I see and realize it is best to deal with reality here as it is with my fellow man rather than separating and creating war with my fellow man while also dealing with a pandemic. Thus, I see with me and my fellow humans connected, standing as one, we can prevent and take action that is best for all dealing with what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conspire against my brother and sister. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give away my responsibility as my brother’s keeper to fear, to wanting to be right, to wanting to convince my brother/sister of my point of view, or ELSE, or I do not care, I do not stand with them, and within so keep going into circles of win and lose, never coming together. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat from the three of good and evil as the tree of knowledge and to abandon the tree of LIFE by giving into my fears, opinions and beliefs of what is here, versus reality, where reality is, I am here and my fellow humans are here, we must untie, not in opinions and believes, not in convincing and converting each other to our way and view of seeing what is here, but rather within the principle of LIFE and how can we direct and manifest what will bring an outcome that is best for all life based on the basic needs of every man women and child within this reality as a physical living NEED, and to deal with pandemics where all needs are met, and where all are take care of, where we do not accept and allow abuse of one another and being each other’s keepers, seeing and realizing that as long as we fight, split, and divide, we will allow and accept abuse, we will not be able to direct reality here as we each will be stuck in our minds in alternative realities of what is going on and fighting to be right, versus supporting each other in this reality instead. 

To continue.

Trauma - A Deeply Distressing or Disturbing Experience.




The road back to self.

When we look at Trauma, it can be many things to any given person in any moment, as long as we look at the definition we can see that depending on so many circumstances in our lives from the time of birth, we can experience trauma from the smallest to the biggest things. 

Trauma can be something as simple as your parents telling you NO, when you ask them something, or when you want something, all the way to the extremes of being in an accident, starving to death, losing your house/family. 

Our current world system is a trauma inducing system, it induces trauma from birth till death, the way the system is designed, justified and set up in all aspects is to create trauma, a shock to our systems/expressions as human beings. We are born into distressed families surviving, making money, losing jobs, looking for jobs, always stressed and busy, always running around or already living in a state of shock and coping from trauma/distress of how the system mules us in its design and functionality. 

Take a simple example of trauma that occurs for most humans at birth, we are born and immediately ripped from our mother and put through a system of “cleaning us up” which is to take us as a baby and use these unknown materials such as cloth and cold water to splash and rub and scrub the blood off of us and make us clean, then to be placed back into our mothers hands, only to be taken away a few moment later for more checkups and examinations, then to be placed back into our mothers arms. it is all good and so considering, yet how we are handled isn't always best, I speak here form personal experience and seeing my son being born.

This is but one example, the Trauma already started before that, from simple traumas of the system and how it is designed, where our parents had to ask themselves questions such as, could they afford a hospital, a good one, did our parents have the money, did they meet the right person/doctor to give birth to us that cares and treats us with care, did our birth cause a family disturbance at home, is home stable, do the family I am born into have stability emotionally and physically. ALL of this determines how we are within the womb and what we experience when we come out. Since our system is designed on uncertainty of HUMAN value and life, the trauma of just existing here is consistent.

All of the system is trauma inducing if it is not a system designed of the utmost potential of human life, where there is a system/systems that supports all life equally with true care in place, where money isn’t and does not play any factor in our creation, or birth, or growing up and living in this world, as Money effects every single aspect of everything, from our thoughts, words and deeds, as we are BORN from and within money, and the existence of it, all of our existence is trauma, as it is an unequal GREED, POWER, CONTROL system, the very air we are born into isn't pure, that in itself is traumatizing, not to mention our food and water, the very basics needs we depend on has been traumatized and destroyed to be like a slow poison for our bodies, not to mention even withheld from 50% of humans to a degree. 

This is why reality and life on earth is beautiful as the physical plain of nature and what is here as nature, and when we look towards the human’s existence here, it is disturbing, we are disturbed, everything about us is out of place, it does not just seem that way, you can feel it in your gut that there is something deeply disturbing, and the secret to why we all have this feeling in our stomachs isn’t a complicated one, it is because we have woven money into the fabric of our very existence and lives. 

Take a moment to see how traumatizing this is for life on earth, and so for us each as individuals on the planet, the earth is traumatized and it is obvious when we look to nature and what is going on there/here. It is a reflection of US, who we are as humans, what we have accepted and allowed within ourselves and so in this world, and so for each and every child to be born into this traumatizing world keeps manifesting traumatized humans and so the world.

We are all traumatized, and it is very important that we see this, admit this, to a degree we are all in some form of shell-shock, from being born, how we are born and brought into this world, to being send off to school like little soldier getting ready to go fight for our very survival after the schooling system, and school is all about getting you ready to handle shock/trauma by constantly shocking you, traumatizing you with authority, with rules, with standards and with the whole system of children running together, bullying, fighting and comparing themselves to one another to see who can beat down who to get on top and the school system thrives on this, who is the losers and who are the winners, traumatizing each other on behalf of the system, this obviously is but part of it all, then there is the other half of the world living in poverty, famine, war and in extreme circumstances of abuse within this world, from prostitution, sex slave trafficking, violence, torture and rape, murder, which is in itself extremely traumatizing and used as a way to blackmail and induce fear into those that live a quit “normal life” to again create distress/trauma as a way of control, manipulating and get no one to do anything, to change nothing.

Because you are traumatized, a consistent state of being traumatized and hypnotized, living in a shell of shock, not able to know, what the fuck is going on, who am I, where are we going, why is this life, what happened to my life, and so on we go with the question of a traumatized person.

I write this blog, because I had a recent realization about myself within the word trauma, my trauma. I had a blind spot where I have been denying and pushing aside past experiences, past moments that has happened within my life, I have been looking at these moment and I got all the way to my birth and this system that exist on earth we humans have created above the natural system as nature. and call this system natural, a natural human economic system would be in alignment with nature, and it most definitely isn’t, thus made up bullshit system. 

So, I saw me going into the BIGGER picture of the trauma that exist inherently within this world was me again avoiding my trauma and dealing with my trauma YET I see it important to have the bigger picture and thus sharing it here for others and support. I went into self-judgment about my trauma, my experiences that I experienced and stored/defined within me as trauma as not being valid as I am not starving or living in poverty. This is where I saw I was creating blind spots for myself that keeps me in a loop and in the past. Not wanting to deal with myself in certain aspects of myself and my life, justified by the back chat of “others are in worse situations than me” they have true trauma, my points are just petty shit, I must get over it. Seeing how I have been brainwashed to remain in place = ).

So, I wrote this out first, as I am in my blogs to come going to do introspection into MY trauma, to stop judging my traumas and denying them, no matter how small they are, as I do not want to live with BLIND-SPOTS directing my life, when all I have to do is look in the side mirror to see what is coming and take self-responsibility. Because I want to be the directive principle in my life and to be as effective as I can be within this life.

I must STOP existing in a state of trauma/victimization and GET up, for and as myself. Enough denying and suppressing, we must all stop traumatizing and dramatizing our lives, we must look into the blind spots, admit them, forgive them, see them, take self-responsibility and walk clear as ourselves.

More to come on MY trauma

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FE...