When I think about what others think about me Day 657

When we THINK about what OTHERS are thinking about US, we must realize the obvious within such a moment, we are in fact thinking it about ourselves what we think others think about us, as it is happening in our heads.

For a long time in my life, and even still today, I had the thought and a consistent perception within ME that others see me, and think of me, not so clever, bright/smart.

I used to apply self-forgiveness in a way that validated MY thinking, where I would say I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by what others think of me" - this is in fact BLAME and revealed how little I understood.

How in the first place do I know what others are thinking of me in their minds? I am not a mind reader, I can not see thoughts, and how important do I think I am that if I could see peoples thoughts, that their thoughts would be about me all the time?

Secondly, When I look at it for real, I am the one thinking about myself all the time, thinking and thinking, about myself, and I am the one thinking about how stupid/dumb I am, as I am the one constantly in my mind comparing myself to others, making myself MORE than others as to hide the comparison that I see myself as LESS than.

Thus, my self-forgiveness (when I catch myself in such thoughts of what others are thinking about me) should be - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am dumb/stupid - this way taking it back to myself, and as you can see, a LOT more opens up for me to work through and actually move forward within my process as myself.

I write this #backtoself as a reminder for myself and others that when we have thoughts about others when we think what others are thinking about us, we must realize the obvious, it is happening within us, and it is US and we must take responsibility accordingly.

Day 261 – The Pattern of Who I Am Part 9

Continuing from Part 1 till here and more.

Taking the Parts from Part 1 to 3 and applying Self Forgiveness on them one at a time, each point.

Today’s Point: “see how I have used the back chat within my mind as a way to reason and make it all seem so True and real and that it is so tempting to just use that as a weapon to burst out at someone when they ask me to do something for them, so that they can feel bad and shit”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate/use back chat within my mind in secret to reason with myself as a way to create reason/opinions that I can use towards/against others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a evil professor sitting in the back of my head talking to myself and making options and poisons up inside my head as the backchat and the gossip and the thinking as weapons to attack and harm and WIN against others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the secret mind as back chat where I sit in the dark in my head by myself talking to myself and having conversations with myself where I actually argue and reason with myself and even play scenarios where I win against myself as a way to test my secret weapons I am creating with the words I use and place as a way to win even if it means I have to use nuclear words against others as any means to win.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I participate within back chat and gossip within my mind where I am all by myself that I am actually having no cross-reference at all what so ever and that such bullshit can never be trusted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when and as I reason with myself within my mind where I pretend in my mind that it is actually reasoning, LOL seeing and realizing that it is just me fucking with myself as reasoning requires two people talking for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that any kind/type of reason I come to within my mind is actually valid, as the reason I create within my mind with myself cannot be reasoning as it was created from me talking to myself??? Mental problem it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the difference between any “normal” person and a mentally ill person is that the mentally ill person simply say what’s in their head out loud and thus they are actually more honest then any normal person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can reason and create reasoning skills and create “new” reasoning skills within my mind talking to myself in secret where I will play out scenarios where I always win arguments and fights and so forth as a way to prepare myself for the real thing, not seeing and realizing that this is always in my disadvantage as it always gives me a false everything of reality as it was/is constructed within a alternate reality that is of energy and fuzzy logic and not the facts in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accept and allowed myself to have back chat when and as someone asks me to do something for them and to within this back chat always first defend my limitations and to then quickly look for ways to fight with my words to Win even if it means I limit myself and enslave myself to the limitations of the minds reasoning of weird logic based on self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I react when someone asks me to do something for them to Immediately create of bring up the “reasoning” I prepared within my mind as a weapon to attack someone that I deliberately tested and tried within my mind to see if it will hurt the other person or make them feel shit/bad and like crap for asking just to feel that I have a sense of power back where I am not a slave that simply do what I am asked and to feel that I have no authority to decide if I will do what I am asked or not, not seeing and realizing that I am abusing other people and myself and that in fact all that is required of me in situations such as this is for me to breathe and to consider what is here in and as the physical and make a decision of yes or no accordingly and do it or not or arrange other time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the evil within me that I have created myself as when and as I sit by myself back-chatting gossiping by myself where I deliberately test and try out reasoning skills towards/about/against another being to deliberately with the intention to harm them when and as I use the reasoning I create within my mind just to win or have some sick self interest feeling/emotion to be fulfilled as energy rush of winning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately want to make others feel shit/bad just for asking me a simple things such as doing something for them just because I have some personal issues I have to sort out within myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be bad to create myself as, as it all exist within me all the time and thus I am always responsible and cannot take it out on others or myself but that I must forgive myself and see what I am doing in the moment and to breathe and to then take a deep breath and decide based on the principal of what is best for all in all ways.

To be continued

Day 260 – The Pattern Of Who I Am Every Day Part 8

I have in my Mind only defended and fought for my own limitations just for the sake of proving my Fear was right?? What’s that all about??

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a fear within me that I might be asked to do something for someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this fear within me that I might be misused or abused by others for my abilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my abilities special and unique within my mind, seeing and realizing that as I have made my abilities special I fear that others will abuse it and use it only because they can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when and as I have abilities that I can apply where others cannot and that when they ask me for help to feel like I am being abused and used, not seeing and realizing the fact as the physical that I am capable and able to do certain things others can yet what they need to get done still remains and that it is my responsibility as the one with the abilities to help them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this fear of maybe they will/are abusing me for what I can do just so that they do not have to train and learn how to do the things by themselves as I did.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the back chat of “ if I could do it with hard work and training so can they” to exist within me, not seeing and realizing that everyone had different physical bodies that is specific and also a result of genetics that they cannot always help for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to others when they ask me to do something for them within the fear of that they might now just be taking advantage, seeing and realizing that I am the only one not taking advantage of myself to test and upgrade my abilities in that moment to push myself beyond my own limitations of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I fear others will take advantage/abuse my abilities because I fear pushing myself and getting out of my comfort zone within my mind where I have this abilities but never use them to bring myself to my full potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I only fear myself and that I might abuse myself when and as I use my abilities to their fullest as I know myself and that I can never stop even when it is required as my ego kicks in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself as my abilities through only wanting to limit them within not applying myself as my abilities equally for all when and where it is possible and to only remain a slave to my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that it is abusing myself when and as I am not using my abilities that others do not equally have as the physical points through trying and attempting to hold myself/abilities from others as a way of spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful towards others when and as they ask me for help through reacting and wanting to make myself un available to them as to achieve a goal where I can say look what I have and you can’t have it just to feel more special.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that my behavior as the result of my back-cat and inner gossip is a result of me attempting to be spiteful which is always self abusing within holding myself back and limiting myself and remaining a slave to energy as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it makes me powerful and strong to have abilities others need/want and that I can withhold it from them if I feel like it, not seeing and realizing that what I do onto another is what I want to be done onto me will be in play at all times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I live in fear of others asking me to do something for them as I have already judged that others will not do anything for me within my mind through gossip and back chat from once upon a time in the past where it was done so onto me and now I place this judgment onto all.

To be continued.

Day 259 – The Pattern of Who I Am Every Day Part 7

Here I continue with the last Blogs I stopped at just before the power went off here for three days and two nights – thanks for understanding if you are a reader of this blog.

Last time I was doing Self forgiveness on the points I discussed in Part 1 and Part two.
“I believe that in my mind I can prepare myself to face this fear.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Believe that I can prepare myself within my mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions to Face my Fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that it is within the Mind that I create Fear in the first place, as I always take things from reality as the physical and place it into a energy experience through the mind through how I perceive/judge reality which then turns into a reaction and fear as the mind tends to always make something more then what it is in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I have a fear and that I am trying/attempting to “prepare” myself to face this fear that I am actually just keeping the fear alive within me as I am giving it recognition and validation as if it requires special attention and thus it must be real, making it real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I have fear within me towards/about others/things that it is always about me as it is only within me and not about the others/things as I am the one creating the fear within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create fear within me towards about others/things through the back chat and judgments and gossip I have with myself in my own mind where I generate energy which usually ends up as fear as it is dishonest because I know I am doing it all in secret in the dark and that what goes on in my mind I do not dare expose or live because I know it is all lies and only abusive in its nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself about the fears I have through believing that it is created within me through what others do and say and think when and as I can see that I am the one with the fear and that when and as I participate within secret as back-chat and gossip in my mind that I am creating the fears and the energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for the fear that I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make others responsible for the fear that I have within me, seeing and realizing that I fear admitting that I am the one that created the fear and that I can thus stop it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to take responsibility for my fears as the creator of my fears, seeing and realizing that I have created the fears as a way to not to have to take responsibility for myself as Who I Am within and as myself and what I accept and allow within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create fears within me as a way to excuse myself from having to take responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create fears within me as a way to justify and reason my way out of having to take self responsibility for myself and this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest with myself about my fears and why I have created them and that I have created them myself through participating within the mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions and as all the Back-chat and gossip I do in secret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that all fear is from existing within self interest and the believe/idea that I am separate from everything else.

To be continued.

Day 257 – The Pattern of Who I Am Every Day Part 6

Day 257 – The Pattern of Who I Am Every Day Part 6

I see within this one point that I do it again out of fear, I have back chat and gossip and thoughts in my mind about other people because I fear something and within my mind I believe I am building a case to defend myself, I believe that in my mind I am setting things right, I believe that in my mind I can prepare myself to face this fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the gossip/back-chat within my mind that I create and participate within is from fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I fear others gossiping about me, so I gossip about them first to make myself feel better just in case they are gossiping about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that what I fear others gossiping about me is my own insecurities and self-judgments that I have about myself that I project onto others as if they are talking about the judgments and fears I have of myself and so within this fear I start to gossip about others within my mind to make myself feel better and to prepare myself just for incase the gossip is real and I need something to defend myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to gossip about others/things within my mind without seeing and realizing that simple truth that it is me that is gossiping and judging and having back chat about myself first that I then create into insecurities and fears that I now project onto others as gossiping about them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I gossip about others within my mind within secret that the gossip coming out within me about others is actually the things I fear others might be gossiping about me and so I start this game of gossiping to see who wins and who loses as the best gossipers in secret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I have back-chat within me that it is within me and thus it is always about me and that I am attempting to separate it from and as me through projecting the back-chat onto and towards others within me mind in secret just to create a energy experience that can make me feel better about myself though making shit up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when and as I gossip/back-chat within me mind that I am setting things straight within me as that which I always believe to be the convenient truth where I always win and seem so good and right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I am always deceiving myself within my mind through participating within secret as gossip/back-chat about myself/others/things as it is always based on assumption and my own limited interpretation of the physical reality and what i observe within the frame of my limited knowledge and information about things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I am always deceiving only myself through participating within the mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions that is always in my self interest and thus can never make a real valid calculation of reality as it is always based on me and only me winning and not having to feel bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I participate within my mind as gossip/back-chat and having thoughts about others that it is from fear and nothing else and that I am always trying to built cases within my mind towards LIFE and all that is here to defend only myself interest which in itself is utterly stupid and limited as it is never real or truth, it is simply made up crap in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anything going on in my head is real or valid, when I do not even know how the mind in fact works or how energy and resonances work or how the Quantum Mind works.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe anything I make up or believe to be real within my mind, seeing and realizing that I will always make anything in my mind only in my favor and that it is obvious that if everything must always be in my favor that it cannot be trusted. Its a obvious sign of malfunctioning and thus must not be used as it will only been abused.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I have gossip/back-chat about others that it is always to bring them down and make them less and to be nasty and judgmental and spiteful and simply put evil and that within this I can see that it is obvious that I do this in defense of something I fear of myself and am trying to hide of myself as I am clearly attempting to avoid looking at myself and am only trying to place myself in the good light so no one can see me and only focus on others and that this is always only me defending my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that in my mind I am always defending fear no matter how good or evil things are in my head.

To be Continued

Day 130 – Living commitment – Day 2 of 21.

This is a continuation of Day 129 – day 1 of 21.

I started within my previous blog on how and what I experiences within actually applying a commitment, as I start with the basic point of Breathing, and to actually breathe everyday in awareness – I realized that breathing in awareness makes me more aware of things within me and what I live.

This brought out MAIN points within me – I started walking the first mentioned “main” point of a character I have taken on as the “I am ALWAYS bad Character”

So here I continue on the Self forgiveness on this character – I apply Self forgiveness on this character in relation to the Breathing point as I see that this character is faces prominently within my day that resonantly and unconsciously influences everything including my Breathing and thus not effectively breathing as there is Fear/anxiety/survival all the time as this characters foundations.

I continue from this Part.

Quote from day 129 “I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to HOLD it against myself that I was judged as bad in the past and to make it so and part of my future and to within this feel insecure and less than and in valid and not worthy and full of self hatred and resentment and so act it out or trying to make it better through being a good guy that still always mess up, as the fear of being bad is the driving force of each finger and each word -- and thus it is but all a pretense and a lie and not real but characters upon characters playing their roles to avoid being bad, yet only the bad prevails, realizing that this is not the solutions as the hatred grows and the resentment grow, but that to take self responsibility for myself is the first and only step I must take and walk” – END Quote....

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid being bad in the fear of being judged and getting complaints. 

this bad is really ridiculous things that was part of the parenting system that only hold values of the mind and isn’t really bad at all – Things such as being noisy, being loud, making a mistake, NOT LYING, the way I walk, talk, the way I do things and move and the way I interact with people and communicate and the way I enjoy myself and the way I express myself in each moment.

One example of this I am Bad character is – I will for instance be late for work, and within this I fear everyone will now judge me as being BAD and because of this judgment I have already told myself I am BAD, and thus for the rest of all my days I will never be bad again – MEANING I will never be late again, this then results in me always rushing, never having time, always doing everything very limited just to be in time - but this will all be done from the starting point of FEAR, so now every morning when I get to work in fear – I will be anxious for maybe being yelled at for being bad/late, even if I was early – how ridiculous – living in constant fear and anxiety of this one point. And then I hold this one point against myself ALL day, keeping myself in fear/anxiety all day and in the judgment of I was/am bad for it, in the anticipation that someone (an Authority) will come to me at a random time to remind me of me being bad for the one time I was late.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear everyone in my world judging me as BAD.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Define BAD as something that isn’t accepted within and as others MINDS according to their beliefs/judgments/ideas/opinions and not at all based on the physical reality we all share equally in the flesh, but purely mind made up shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mind other people within my actions, validating the mind as back chat and secret mind where people gossip and talk about others with themselves, and to within this FEAR the back chat/secret thoughts others will have about me when I do something BAD that does not fit their minds.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the FEAR I have for others talking and judging me as bad in their minds in secret is only because I know I do this to others and that it is nasty and evil, and thus I do not wish for others to do it to me and within this I act out a character that will only look good and be good in others minds so that they can only have good back chat and secret conversations about me so that I do not have to FEEL bad for myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I only JUDGE myself as BAD within my mind because of where I have judged others within my mind and had evil nasty conversations about them with myself, and so I see the message that Jesus said, do not judge unless you be judged, and now understanding the point of, as I judge others I will judge myself and place what I judge of others as myself and live in such a way to always avoid my own judgment within the evil secretive mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that how I judge others is how I judge myself, and that when I judge others as good or bad – that I place only limitation onto myself as I will live in such a way to always avoid my own judgment as I have witnessed for myself how I judge others as pure evil in my secret mind thoughts and back chat where I have conversations about others, and to within this realize that I fear the judgment of others because I know how I judge myself and others in my mind and that it is evil.

Evil/bad is that which is NOT best for ALL life in all ways, this isn’t a evil based on good or bad, it is based on Principal living as LIFE in and as the Physical as the flesh.

To be Continued.

Day – 48 – bad boy continued.

This is a continuation of Day 47 – loving the bad boy

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when someone judges me as bad that it does not mean I am bad and therefore must now live as being bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when I accept someone else calling me bad that I am actually not bad until I go out and do physical things in my life and create myself as bad deliberately within my actions, and thus it is not the other person to blame as I am clearly self responsible for my own actions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the bad boy personality is just another personality that I have created myself through my own self judgments and insecurities.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when I went out and started living differently within acting out in life against the system as being bad within spitefulness that I was actually only harming myself as I set myself on the path of self destruction, instead of realizing that the system is fucked up and the current limited way of life where society imposes good and bad onto people through their own self created believes and idea on what is good and bad instead of living what is best for all life and thus instead realizing that I must be self honest and change the god damn system to what is best for all life and to not accept and allow a system that is fear based and judgmental towards life as normal.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the bad boy act/personality was part of my ticket to getting sex as I learned that girls like bad boys and so I pursuit in my journey of self destruction to fulfill one desire of obtaining sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that being a bad boy to spite others is actually me spiting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the bad boy live just happened to me, suppressing and denying all the actions I took within the physical as living and creating events situations to have certain experiences to upgrade myself to a bad boy as where I made it part of me, and thus it did not just happen to me, I am responsible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself believe I am a victim within who I am and become through my own actions that I take.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself within my actions as if I cannot stop myself as if I am forced to do the thing si do as the bad boy, realizing that I can simply stop and change as I am the one moving and directing myself to do the things I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to the excitement of being a bad boy, realizing that the energy as excitement that I get from doing the bad boy things will run out and that I will seek it like a drug addict seeking his next hit, and that this will lead to me doing more and more extreme things that would lead to consequences that will harm me and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider the physical consequences I am creating for myself and others within trying to be a bad boy in spitefulness towards those tat has judged me as bad, realizing that I am only harming myself in spite of the evidence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to break down relationships in my world and hurting others through my actions as being a bad boy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a asshole as the ad boy act personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  gossip about other people and being nasty to them just to keep up the bad boy act as being better more and less limited as a self created believe based on the idea I have created about myself as being a bad ass, realizing I am only placing my judgments as gossip and my insecurities on others and projecting myself on them to hide my own shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a jerk towards my fellow humans and animals and plants in the name of being s spiteful shit through not taking self responsibility for myself and who I am, and giving away myself responsibility to accept and allow others to influence me as who i am and live it out in blame and self pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as spitefulness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately abuse girls as the excuse of I am a bad boy – you should have expected it from me, realizing that I am within this only creating more consequences for myself as I break people and relationship around me till I am all alone and fucked within this world, realizing I created it for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body through drinking and drugs and fighting and doing crazy stunts to show off in the name of being a bad boy, realizing the physical consequences has a high price and then the bad boy will be a useless bag of meat at a early age or older.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in secret as a pretentious bad boy and to be a pretentious ass in front of others never finding out who I really am, as I decide who I am and not giving myself this chance through constantly feeding polarities on both ends missing myself completely.

I commit myself to look within my life where I access the bad boy personality and to see why, to write and to self forgive myself and to stop, to end the abuse caused within my world through spitefulness and blame and to take self responsibility as myself and to bring about a world that is best for all life and not what is based on stupid made up rules of right and wrong, but rather what is practical and best for all life (plants, animals, humans etc) and to stop the creation of mental unstable humans that has split personalities in secret and in front of others and create mental disorders that the medical industries and psychologist make billions off.

I commit myself to expose the current believes and rules of the world as it exist now as not being what is best for all life or any individual as it is based on fear and right and wrong and not what is best for all life as common sense but on stupid make believe ideas/opinions that is based on self interest and imprinted into the children and then play out as mental disorders where the child is constantly in a fight for what is write and what is wrong instead of real values and principles that is best for all life in all ways, thus establishing the equal money system is the path as the common sense system.