It is late now, I have just gotten back from doing some
recordings, and it is already late, I feel like just getting into bed and
sleeping, or doing something else and relaxing, my Son even asked me to go to
bed and watch a movie with him, but here I am, I have committed myself to write
daily again. I am now living this commitment, I am going to write this blog and
the go to bed with my son to watch something with him and relax with him.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
consider to NOT live up to my commitment and to rather give into the temptation
of the mind as just relaxing and doing nothing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
judge writing and self-forgiveness as not relaxing but rather work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
believe that to just go sit down and do nothing is more rewarding and better
for me than to write.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
believe that to rather write will mean I am losing out on something else, such
as sitting and doing nothing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
believe that to just go sit and do nothing instead of writing will give me more
energy and support me more to “rest” yet I know this is a repetitive addictive
pattern of simply not doing anything, and yet writing has proven to support me
in fact and actually help me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
see it as VALID to simply not write and just sit down and do nothing as if I am
resting, and thus using an excuse that will and can always and forever be
justified and thus I can end up never writing, as I can simply always be too
tired and go with that and never push for change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
not see and realize that to use physical conditions and reasons as to why not
write is me enslaving myself to never write or change, as the physical will
always then not be ready, and thus I see and realize I must actually push
through these PHYSICAL resistances and excuses and reasons I have built and
maintained to justify myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
use tiredness and the PAST as to why I am tired and why I should not do more
and rather do nothing as an excuse and reason to not write, and thus enslaving myself
once again to never face myself or change or take action, and thus I also see
and realize that this isn’t only going to count for my writings but will and
are seeping into all other parts of my life, and thus pushing through this
point of writing and not using time as an excuse will support me equally to
also push through other points in my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
WANT to simply go with and use the excuse and reason of my environment to hold
me back from not writing self-forgiveness and taking self-responsibility for
myself and to then always be able to say, BUT my this or that happened, or took
place so I could not write, such as my son that just now requested for me to go
lay down with him and just watch movies, I was tempted to simply go with him
and say fuck it to writing, but instead of saw that I could write if I do not
go for the temptation and then agree with him as his age and time that he can watch
his movie instead next to me till I am done, and thus seeing that my initial
reason without testing or trying out different ways to write was me wanting to
have the easy way out.
