The nasty living of REGRET, Day 5 of 21 – Day 590

The word regret brings out a lot within me, too much for on blog. Starting here is the best time.
Living regret is a nasty thing, it is self-destructive, it is self-harming, it is as if I am attempting to “live” but at the same time destroy myself. Living regret is like wanting to change but ONLY if the change can make up for the past, but the problem is, the past is a massive mountain that keeps on growing through the very act of trying to make up for the regrets, so no matter how much I attempt to change, no matter how much I attempt to make up for the past, it is impossible, because the past is just that. The past.

Here is one of the dimensions of how living regret is like a snow ball effect, where regret is just growing and getting bigger and bigger. And this regret is coming down on me every day, all the time, I am carrying the past with me as who I am all the time, regret is me telling myself THESE are the mistakes that I have made, LOOK – there they are, I have failed within ALL of those things, and I will have to go back to each and every point that I have failed at, that I have made mistakes within and make up for it, so I will carry them all with me and keep adding all the current mistakes and failures and hopefully, someday I might just make up for all of it.

The problem is, when I carry Regret (re-Get) with me, this burden, this stress, this heavy heavy feeling/emotion of I am a failure, I am a mistake, because I have all this evidence of it, so it must be who I am – and because it is SOOO much, it becomes an evil cycle where I will say to myself, or tell myself, OH well, I might as well fail at this again, I might as well just keep on making mistakes, because what real difference is it going to make compared to ALLL the past regrets as mistakes as failures that I already have. It is like adding a spade of dirt to a mountain every day, believing that this spade of dirt will not have any effect on the mountain, so I might as well just add many spades more a day, I mean just look at how tiny a spade of sand is compared to the Mountain (regret) – not considering that, if I do this for years and years, I have literally created another mountain.

Regret I would say is one of my main points, there are many dimensions and factors to this point and why I say it is one of my main points, but this point exists within me daily, and it is time to face the monster of regret that I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and exist as regret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in living IN regret and to make regret my daily living, where I feel I have to keep on making up for the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the regret of always being stubborn as a kid and to never learn anything new or give anything a chance that others have suggested to me, as I wanted to follow my own way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a resistance towards doing self-forgiveness on regret, where my mind goes blank, as if nothing is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the regret that I never stood up to adults and spoke out against abuse and to voice myself within common sense and what I could see as a child and to question and keep questioning everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret everything in my life as I ever did anything for myself and always did everything for others and where these other people are benefiting my personal self-interest and survival only, even when this means selling myself, giving up myself, my strong points, my natural expression that I had as a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at the end of everyday count all my regrets, as where I have failed, where I have made mistakes and to within this continue my following day within this regret, where I now attempt to suddenly be all good and be all doing, yet I am not making up for yesterday and so I miss out completely on HERE as today, the new day as well, and so the cycle of regret continues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I wake up in the morning, to check where am I going to correct myself today for yesterday’s mistakes/failures and so live in yesterday and to always end up failing and making mistakes again at the end of the day as I missed the entire day and so I now have many days the next day to make up for and so the cycle continues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this cycle of regret already move and direct myself within my day as a failure and thus I am more prone and open to self-destructive patterns and habits that I have formed to just put myself into that experience of I am a failure/mistake – just to confirm it and make it real so that I can make up for the entire day of living in this constant stress, anxiety of not making it through the day and getting to making up for the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into bad habits/pattern that are within secret just to play out the belief that I move around with all day within myself and that is and has become the reasons for what I do, yet hiding it with a fake smile, and so when in secret and I am alone, I feel that I can finally be myself, expose myself, YET not seeing and realizing that this person in secret isn’t ME, it is simply what I have accepted and allowed ME to live and be, and because I have not come to be self-honest within this point, I keep on falling into secret mind traps where I have a little cest pool of my own to indulge within my believe I have of myself, which I see and realize now I want to be true about me, why?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be a Living ball of regret as failure and mistakes where I keep on repeating these failures and mistakes that always include others in my reality as TO get others to SEE me as a failure as well and a mistake so that I can get others to believe in my believe that I have of myself, as to get attention and to keep myself in check within my personality as to support the mind consciousness systems as polarity., seeing and realizing that there is NO secret reasons for this play-out but simply the reason for the mind to continue and for me as the being t NEVER stand up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attached deeper and more meanings to my failures and mistakes that I keep on repeating, as they must be indicating something about me, this must be who I am, this must be a secret ME that must be true, that I cannot change, as I see and realize that this is ME fighting and standing for the mind and nothing else, where I actually in fact do NOT want to change but remain the mind as polarity game that can always confirm my personality through a self-created cycle of where I in fact have to literally participate and give my energy and attention to for it to exist and without me this personality/character cannot exist if I simply stop and breathe and live.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that this character of living regret is me in fact not wanting to change on a much deeper level, and thus I am still holding onto personality as the mind as knowledge and information as what defined me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the regret of never giving MYSELF a chance within the system as living the system when I was young, and where I would rather participate in separation and fear and thus create my OWN way and to within this have regrets of not testing out everything and keeping the good as what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the regret of being shy towards girls that I knew liked me when I was in school and to completely shy away and hide myself in fears, fears of what others might think of me, fear of what others might say to me, fear of how it will make ME look if I had to admit that I liked the certain girl as well, even though she wasn’t considered as a system model looking person. YET I liked her but could not stand within integrity of equality and oneness, but rather fall into what the system is going to say, or tease me, or make me feel less, not considering that this is what this other person had to experience all the time from others and I was unable to stand equal as that person and to be of support and assistance. Not to mention to even be Honest with myself and to within that change myself completely too rather LIKE what is seen as appropriate for my status and my popularity and my survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the regret of how I treated other people that didn’t seem to fit into the system, where I saw them as less than, and where I would only secretly be friends with these people to be nice to them, yet in public, in the open I would join the forces of the “popular” kids and be the evil that the system required me to be for my own survival and self-interest, never being able to stand for equality and oneness even when I knew within me even as a young child that it was evil and wrong and NOT best for all life, and yet I did it regardless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the regret of how I saw other people in my reality were treating animals/pets and even when I knew within me that it was Abusive in nature, not right, I remained silent, and I rather made the point about me, how I was raised with animals, and to use this as my justification for why I never stood up to other human beings and how they were treating animals, even when it was in the name of love, as I could now say, I am damaged, because of how I observed others handling animals as a child and so now I do not have a great relationship with animals anymore and thus can justify my behaviour around animals as being “disconnected”, not caring, not fully with the animal one and equal.
To be continued.

Day 153 oops I forgot to act appropriately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEEL bad when I did not ACT”

appropriately" in front of people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Feel Bad when I ask someone for
Something and I did not smile or show a happy face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Feel like I did something wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I "forget" to act when I am with other people either interacting or speaking that the Who I Am as the real me that I have to change is revealed, as the me that I actually hide when I act and play characters and thus feel bad or as If I did wrong when I am not acting and hiding the main character.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when I reveal Who I Am through not Acting or being in character is the part of me that I have judged as wrong and bad and thus I feel bad and as if I did something wrong when I forget to Act, and thus I see and realize that it is the main character that I fear revealing that I need to Change/Stop and to rebirth myself as the flesh and to not hide within acting and Characters as this only
Suppresses the main character I fear revealing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the characters I am acting out in play is the opposite of the character I am hiding/fearing to reveal.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I feel bad or as if I did something wrong when I forget to act or be in character because I know that the
character that is revealed is the one that must be changed as it is a character that is based on self interest and NOT what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I am aware of the main character as I can only play the many characters I do everyday due to the awareness of the main character I want to hide, and thus I keep the main character in my secret mind where I feed it and keep it alive as the thoughts/judgments/opinions I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear living as me as the real character and to within that work with what is here and that is relevant instead of continuously creating sub characters to hide the main character and to then having to first work through the sub characters and then only the main one, and all of this just because I fear what others will think of me facing Who I am in real time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my process about others, instead of seeing and realizing that my process is about myself and that who i am includes all live and thus others as me, so it is to work with myself as ALL that is here one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing me as the main character in real time in breathe where I can face my main character without it effecting others around me in a harmful way, seeing and realizing that as long as I always take everything back to self and direct my reality practically and within common sense and not on thoughts/feelings/emotions then I will be able to walk myself effectively in detail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the character that always pops up when I forget to Act or play my role where I am protected and approved of, as I know and see that the character that always pop up is that of fairness/self righteousness/frustration/anger/depression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as the characters that i hide, and to within this hide the characters and never facing them real time to transcend them in and as breathe within self honesty and common sense and self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Stress myself out within the idea/belief that I MUST no matter what always be in character and acting appropriately or I will DIE somehow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR being questioned when I am not in character as I know and see that when I stop the characters that hide the character I fear exposing that people will definitely see another side to me and that I will have to explain, as I see and realize that the explanation is what I fear, as I will have to admit that all I was and have presented myself to be is a lie and that the character I am exposing is also a still a lie, as the only real truth as Who I am is here as Life as the physical and not characters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that any state of mind/experience I am within s a character as part of the polarity games of energy, and thus the only real truth is here as the breath where there is no thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i will create a EVIL character when I let go of all the other characters that hide the "evil" character Idea I have of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a secret hidden Evil character within me from the fear of having an evil hidden character within me if I had to stop all the other pretentious characters that always present themselves as happy and smiling and okay and good and so forth, seeing and realizing that this is all but a polarity play out of the same coin - as I Play out Positive Characters MOST of the time I generate all the negative energy I deny I create within me in secret creating a hidden monster that I fear, because I know I am hiding the other half of the coin as the negative form most people and that it has to go somewhere. As this is most of the time taken to a secret place it will grow and grow as I do not attend to it within self forgiveness and STOP.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself play out a positive character to stop and see why and to take a deep breath and to not play out any one of the polarities and to not deny any polarity, and to breathe through the experiences and to investigate the points and how I create them, to stop and bring myself back to what is here as Life as the physical one and equal, and to not Fare being exposed as I see and realize that the Good character is just as bad as the bad character and vice verse, as they both require each other and that my opinion I have of "it is better to play out the good characters rather than the bad ones is misguided as both are the same simply a different experience and that it is not Best for all life in all ways to play out either one polarity as both feed and nourish each other. Thus it is to breathe and remain here with no
Judgment.

Day 130 – Living commitment – Day 2 of 21.

This is a continuation of Day 129 – day 1 of 21.

I started within my previous blog on how and what I experiences within actually applying a commitment, as I start with the basic point of Breathing, and to actually breathe everyday in awareness – I realized that breathing in awareness makes me more aware of things within me and what I live.

This brought out MAIN points within me – I started walking the first mentioned “main” point of a character I have taken on as the “I am ALWAYS bad Character”

So here I continue on the Self forgiveness on this character – I apply Self forgiveness on this character in relation to the Breathing point as I see that this character is faces prominently within my day that resonantly and unconsciously influences everything including my Breathing and thus not effectively breathing as there is Fear/anxiety/survival all the time as this characters foundations.

I continue from this Part.

Quote from day 129 “I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to HOLD it against myself that I was judged as bad in the past and to make it so and part of my future and to within this feel insecure and less than and in valid and not worthy and full of self hatred and resentment and so act it out or trying to make it better through being a good guy that still always mess up, as the fear of being bad is the driving force of each finger and each word -- and thus it is but all a pretense and a lie and not real but characters upon characters playing their roles to avoid being bad, yet only the bad prevails, realizing that this is not the solutions as the hatred grows and the resentment grow, but that to take self responsibility for myself is the first and only step I must take and walk” – END Quote....

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid being bad in the fear of being judged and getting complaints. 

this bad is really ridiculous things that was part of the parenting system that only hold values of the mind and isn’t really bad at all – Things such as being noisy, being loud, making a mistake, NOT LYING, the way I walk, talk, the way I do things and move and the way I interact with people and communicate and the way I enjoy myself and the way I express myself in each moment.

One example of this I am Bad character is – I will for instance be late for work, and within this I fear everyone will now judge me as being BAD and because of this judgment I have already told myself I am BAD, and thus for the rest of all my days I will never be bad again – MEANING I will never be late again, this then results in me always rushing, never having time, always doing everything very limited just to be in time - but this will all be done from the starting point of FEAR, so now every morning when I get to work in fear – I will be anxious for maybe being yelled at for being bad/late, even if I was early – how ridiculous – living in constant fear and anxiety of this one point. And then I hold this one point against myself ALL day, keeping myself in fear/anxiety all day and in the judgment of I was/am bad for it, in the anticipation that someone (an Authority) will come to me at a random time to remind me of me being bad for the one time I was late.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear everyone in my world judging me as BAD.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Define BAD as something that isn’t accepted within and as others MINDS according to their beliefs/judgments/ideas/opinions and not at all based on the physical reality we all share equally in the flesh, but purely mind made up shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mind other people within my actions, validating the mind as back chat and secret mind where people gossip and talk about others with themselves, and to within this FEAR the back chat/secret thoughts others will have about me when I do something BAD that does not fit their minds.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the FEAR I have for others talking and judging me as bad in their minds in secret is only because I know I do this to others and that it is nasty and evil, and thus I do not wish for others to do it to me and within this I act out a character that will only look good and be good in others minds so that they can only have good back chat and secret conversations about me so that I do not have to FEEL bad for myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I only JUDGE myself as BAD within my mind because of where I have judged others within my mind and had evil nasty conversations about them with myself, and so I see the message that Jesus said, do not judge unless you be judged, and now understanding the point of, as I judge others I will judge myself and place what I judge of others as myself and live in such a way to always avoid my own judgment within the evil secretive mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that how I judge others is how I judge myself, and that when I judge others as good or bad – that I place only limitation onto myself as I will live in such a way to always avoid my own judgment as I have witnessed for myself how I judge others as pure evil in my secret mind thoughts and back chat where I have conversations about others, and to within this realize that I fear the judgment of others because I know how I judge myself and others in my mind and that it is evil.

Evil/bad is that which is NOT best for ALL life in all ways, this isn’t a evil based on good or bad, it is based on Principal living as LIFE in and as the Physical as the flesh.

To be Continued.

Day – 93 – The Fearful Character sits and waits P3

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am in a situation/scenario where I have to take responsibility, and the thought comes up of me rather being somewhere else where I do not have to face this situation, and to allow the back chat of “I can not do this, I have to much fear”- to not realize that I have to face the fear as what I have created myself as, as the character that plays out within the certain situations/scenarios through taking a stand through not giving into the thoughts/back chat that keeps the fear alive and validated, and to take responsibility in the moment, realizing that if it does not happen here and now I am giving the fear/anxiety power/permission to direct and control my life, where as I take self responsibility in the moment that is presented to me. I have the one opportunity to face myself as the character and to stop the fear and set myself free from the mind enslavement I have created for myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to when I am faced with certain events/scenarios in my life that I have judged as fearful/stressful in/as the past as memory, to decide to  direct me in/as my actions and ability to take self responsibility in the moment --  where I instead will bring up thoughts as pictures of the past as memories where I have preferred situations/scenarios and distract myself with a differentcharacter I can play instead as the fearful one, and then not take self responsibility and rather run and hide towards the memories/pictures/thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I have to take self responsibility for an event happening in my life to rather give into the thoughts of – I would rather be doing that followed by the back chat – “I do not like doing this, I do not have to do this, I have choice, this is my free will to not have to do this” and to realize that the moment that is here is also my free will/choice to take self responsibility and to not take self responsibility for the moment that is here and to rather give into the thoughts/back chat I am actually submitting myself to the past as the mind and to neglect the physical reality that is real and to instead give power to the illusion as the mind, proving that I do not yet have free will/choice as I could not make the free choice with my free will to take responsibility for the physical reality and what I/we have created and accepted and allowed to exist for all life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when a situation is “here” in the moment to want/desire to give into the thoughts of escaping the situation/scenario where the thoughts would present a false image to me of/from the past as a preferred situation/scenario where I could rather be watching a movie or be laying on my bed, with Back-chat of false reason and justification in the attempt to manipulate me/myself why I do not have to take self responsibility for the scenario to not have to face the fear/anxiety as the character I exist as, and to rebirth myself in breath -- where the back chat will be that of leading me into temptation such as – “I could be outside sitting on the porch drinking coffee” – “I could rather be entertained with something/someone else rather than facing what is going on in reality” – and to realize that this pattern of thought/behavior is the behavior and thought pattern of the consumerism industry that exist today that is neglecting earth and all the inhabitants and only abusing life and why nothing is changing and only getting worse, and to stop and breathe and to face my reality in the moment of the scenario/event and to not postpone and take self responsibility and live the correction as that which is best for all life and to stop living as a character that only plays illusional roles in the mind and to instead breathe and face reality to fix what i/we have created as hell for all to a place that is best for all life – Equal Money for all.

To Be continued – Self commitment

Day 69 – The personality Suit Part 4 –excitement behavior 3

excited me.

OK so is the continuation of the personality suit and the behaviors Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to behave in a overload of energy as excitement when I am anxious or feeling insecure to hide it and make myself seem as a fun guy instead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to behave out of fear and anxiety in a super excited manner as being charged up and ready to do anything as to hide the fear .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of seeing and investigating why and how I am creating and manifesting fear within my and to built up as a overload of energy that I release through excitement within my behaviors.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of looking at why and how I am creating fear and anxiety within me and in the end have a built up of energy that release as behavior in excitement and to identify myself as personality as a excited person.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realized that as long as I identify myself as a excited person as a personality as who I am in my behavior that I am actually accepting and allowing me to exist in complete fear and anxiety/stress as I have made it part of my personality as a statement this is who I am as fear and anxiety and stress and I can not do anything about it.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that excitement is fear and anxiety/stress that has accumulated within me through my own acceptance and allowance within what I participate within me as back chat and secret mind as energy within the mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to glorify my personality trait as being a excited person to be around with, realizing that I am actually just a anxious and fearful person to be around with which is disguised as excitement and thus I am actually a danger to myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a excitement seeking junkie that seeks fear and anxiety within me life and where I can face the fears or over come them as being this I can do it guy within excitement to hide the fear and anxiety as to portray the image of not being fearful and anxious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in harms way in danger when I am possessed by a energetic experience of excitement that is built up fear/anxiety/stress just to get a relies from the fear/anxiety/stress, realizing that all I have to do is breathe and look at myself and why/how I create fear/stress/anxiety within my life that I turn into excitement as a energetic possession as ego as a personality to impress people and to be liked and seen as more and special. 

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I create all fear/anxiety/stress within my life that I express as excitement in disguise just to keep up with a personality to show to others, as the guy that can over come fear and do things no one else can or fear to much doing, realizing that I can and do harm my body through placing my body in constant stress/fear/anxiety.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that it is not worth it to keep on living in self created fears/anxiety/stress that forms an overload of energy that comes out as excitement that leads to the ego doing stupid things such as jumping off a cliff or anything that seems extreme within excitement just to keep up the ego personality that I used to get people to like me, to accept me, to see me as more and special,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to impress people within what I can do as being a awesome personality that is excited to be around because I can do the exciting things that most people fear doing, realizing that one day I might not be so lucky and actually kill, harm myself through doing something to impress people just for the personality’s sake as the mind consciousness system that is based on self interest and energy.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realized that when I am excited in my behavior and acting it out, I am accepting and allowing myself to exist as fear/anxiety.stress because I am telling myself I need those things to generate energy to built up excitement and to sustain a suit of personality that isnt even real but made up and that will end at death ad who will I be then? Fear/anxiety/stress. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself a chance as breathe, to relax and live here within each breath as life one and equal and to not give into the mind as energy and to not live as fear and anxiety and stress just to have a temporarily experience of excitement and to to birth myself as life as who I am as I decide in each breath as that which is best for all life to free myself from mental and energetic enslavement and to breathe freely. 

I commit myself to when I experience a feeling of excitement, to stop and breathe and to look at what is underneath the excitement and to investigate in breathe in the moment who I am and what I am accepting and allowing within and as me in fact, to then stop and breathe and to be here in breathe, to not be a slave to energy as the mind.

I commit myself to investigate all points of excitement and to look at what is the fear/anxiety/stress that I have accepted and allowed to exist within me and my world and that I have allowed to accumulate within me to a energy built up that turns into a experience that I can not explain and call it excitement and to then within my behavior as my personality act out in my world and within this mind energy excitement can harm myself and others.

I commit myself to apply writing and self forgiveness on all stress/anxiety/fear that I participate within my self and my world as back chat/thoughts/secret mind and to free myself from all stress/anxiety/fear of the mind and to stop the enslavement of energy.

I commit myself to stop hiding behind excitement and to face the fears/stress/anxiety that I have accepted and allowed to exist within me and to take self responsibility for myself and so for my world and to not follow a energy movement within me, but to take self directive action in directing myself in and as the physical as that which is best for all life in all ways and to re-birth myself as life and to free myself as breath.