When Lethargy sinks in Day 606 - 9 of 21

Many years ago I went through a state of lethargy, for months I was tired and exhausted and felt like sitting and zoning out, not doing or participating in anything, where the thought and thinking in my mind would be telling me over and over “ relax, you need to just sit down and relax, do nothing for a while, you have been working hard, you deserve to just sit still and do nothing, just zone out for a while, then you will feel alive and awake again, just give it time” – But then it continues, for days and then weeks and then months and then it becomes Me, this new habit and pattern. 

BUT lucky me, I Listened to the Eqafe interviews on Lethargy a while back, and this enabled me to see when I was entering Lethargy, but that’s now all, because of the interviews I was not only able to see what I am in but also HOW I have created it for myself, it all took place in a short period of 30min, where I felt lethargic and suddenly I saw the construct that was described in the interviews, and I was like, wow, this is how I created it and why I am experiencing this. In that moment I could view who I was in the past few weeks and then how that specific doing/living ended up in a state I could not explain and just experienced and then have lethargy. 

It is for me difficult to write it all specifically down, as this requires the knowledge of the interviews to fully understand, but I will do the Self-forgiveness none the less on my personal points of creation up until this point. 

Here are the interviews for your interest:

Lethargy: Introduction – https://eqafe.com/p/lethargy-introduction-atlanteans-part-212
Lethargy Looking Ahead - https://eqafe.com/p/lethargy-looking-ahead-atlanteans-part-216
Lethargy Domino Effect - https://eqafe.com/p/lethargy-domino-effect-atlanteans-part-213
Lethargy Self-Forgiveness - https://eqafe.com/p/lethargy-self-forgiveness-atlanteans-part-215
Lethargy A Physical Experience - https://eqafe.com/p/lethargy-a-physical-experience-atlanteans-part-214
Lethargy The Gifts Within - https://eqafe.com/p/lethargy-the-gifts-within-atlanteans-part-217

 

My Self-Forgiveness 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the past few weeks take on a character within me of “advancement” where the point of advancement and growing wasn’t the problem, but that I took on a character within energy, where the mind made me believe that I require a certain character to face the changes of advancing and expanding based on expectations of what is to come, where I in the current moment already generate and create all the energy that I believe I will need as this character for when and as the moment arrives that these changes and advancements take place, and so within time as I advance, the expectations isn’t met, yet I have already generated and gathered all this energy within me for a certain moment, and as this moment never arrives my body still need to use this energy or do something with it, and thus I go into a lethargic state where all this energy is now weighing on me, making me feel tired as It never got to be expressed, and so it now needs to filter through my body and all the systems designed within the mind, and so I sit and wait for myself to feel awake again, to beef alive again to move and direct myself, yet as I wait for this to happen I am forming and creating new habits and patterns set within lethargy, and thus I become lethargy as a self-propelling cycle. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require a high energy character for any change or advancement that MIGHT take place and to within this prepare the character within acclimating energy beforehand as to set myself up for success, without actually knowing the outcome of the actual time it will take before any advancement or change will actually take place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to be someone else other than me to be ready, to handle any advancement or change that is to come or might come.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize the non-common sense approach this is to take on a character and to generate all the required energy I believe I will required for something that might or might not happen and to within this act upon it within energy within me, not even checking physical reality and walking real time change, just following everything and anything my mind is throwing at me to follow according to an expectation I made up within my mind about what I want and not haw reality works.

Day 514 – SLEEEEEEEP

If only I could get that proper sleep, I will feel better.
Maybe if I sleep a little bit I will feel better.
After a good nap I will feel alive and good to do things again.
If I can just get some DEEP sleep I will reboot and feel fresh.
Tonight I must go to bed early to start the day fresh and alive tomorrow.
I must catch up with sleep to not be in this mood.
I will be more effective if ONLY I had a good sleep last night, but I didn’t.
Today is going to suck, I barely slept last night.
I went to bed SOO late last night, that’s why today is going to be though.
WOW the nap I had really helped, but why am I so tired again, I probably need more sleep.

Those are but some thoughts that I have had regarding sleep and what revolves around sleep, I have noticed how sleep can take over my day to day life, to be more precise, the belief I have around sleep and how I have given away my self-responsibility to WHY I am experiencing myself as tired as what is happening within me, through making sleep the excuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame not having enough or a certain type of sleep for why I experience myself as tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame how little I have slept for why I am experiencing myself within my mind set as being tired/exhausted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use not having enough sleep as a justification for how I experience myself as not mobile.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use not having enough sleep as a justification/excuse to why I am not HERE present breathing but rather in certain moods.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use not having enough sleep as a justification for why I am the way I am as being gloomy, tired looking, not alive, not moving myself effectively, why I am sitting around, why I am always chilling instead of breathing and being here directing each moment within practicality and clarity.

So the questioning must once again go deeper, why even if I got sleep, or a nap – does tiredness sink in at some point that is ONLY felt in the eyes, the head section. This leads down an interesting path, as tiredness isn’t a mental point, it is a physical point that we reference to as being tired – as the body is the vessel that does literally everything, the mind as a tool is supposed to just give like GPS direction.
So firt, understanding the mind as a tool and not who you are and how this tool works, as a GPS, how can one get tired from using the tool as the mind? Well over use, using the GPS to not just direct but to actually get lost and to then having to get new input the whole time or old input and scrambling the direction and getting lost within the mess within the GPS system as the mind, in fact we get so lost within it finding direction that we are now even thinking we are this mess, we are this GPS system, forgetting that someone else placed the info into the GPS before it even started getting active – and this input wasn’t even from who I am, it was from my parents, as they already claimed to know this world and thus what direction I must take to secure survival, and Hench why we get lost using this GPS system, because we never placed the info/directions within it, someone else did and we are just trying to make sense of it all and get lost in it.

So the tiredness comes from a simple explanation – direction, setting a direction and living it, using the GPS once and then moving to the locations/taking the direction, but as long as I am all up in my GPS/mind I will be tired, I will feel tired and moody, I will not be able to move and be effective. I am jumping from one place to another – I am attempting to follow all the paths that has been programmed into my GPS – and not finding my own path/direction and living that.

To be continued.

Over Loaded – Keep Smiling Part 2

Over Loaded – Keep Smiling Part1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overload myself with information intake through not breathing and grounding myself within the moment of receiving new information, where I instead think and over think and let the information spin around in my mind instead of breathing and absorbing the information as me in the moment.

When and as I am receiving new information from someone else and I am overloading myself with the new information through attempting to store ALL the information I have ever received in one place, I stop, I breathe, I ground myself with what is here and what is here to deal with, to take in, and to direct and move myself accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overwhelm myself with information intake when new information is received within the underlining fear of losing the information and to within this fear, rush all the information into my head and wanting to act on the information immediately before I can lose it.

When and as I see myself being in a state of fearing losing information that I am receiving, I stop, I breathe, I direct myself to NOT make this a point of the mind or ego, where I believe that I must be able to take in all this information at once, and I direct myself to after receiving all the information to slow down and to ask questions on the information I did not get/receive or understood and to physically integrate the information as a practical breathable phase, which is self-supporting and assisting myself in the moment to remain grounded and stable, to not make/create it into a mind point, and to write things down and not rely on the mind to be superior in theory, as it isn’t.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overload myself with information intake through taking in all the information I can in a conversation in the fear of, not getting all the information and then missing a point and not being able to act on the new information and be effective.

When and as I see myself being in the point of fearing losing a point within receiving information, I stop/I breathe, I direct myself within common sense, there is no need to fear losing and information as I can simply ask again, or clarify, thus I direct myself to be direct and to take authority as myself to ask.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being effective due to having lack of information and to within this rush myself and attempt to take in ALL of the information in one moment and to then make myself anxious and stressed holding onto all the information and to then wanting to act on the new information as soon as possible before I might lose it.

When and as I see myself fear not being effective just because I do not have certain information within me or with me, I stop and I breathe and I direct myself to be effective in the moment, to move myself in stability in and as the physical where I take the directive point of making myself effective and not relying on any outside information, where I equip myself with effectiveness, where I give myself the tools of effectiveness, using myself as breathing and directing and moving accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing information and to then not be effective within my application, and to give up and feel overloaded and not like I am capable of doing a single thing when a part of the information is missing and to within this completely postpone or NOT move myself for a long time, in fear of moving myself without having all the information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on information to decide how I will move myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear learning new information as I move, believing that learning new information as I move along makes me seem ineffective and not professional, seeing and realizing that this is the mind protecting its own self-created limitations through creating all these little tiny reasons and points that leads to one not moving directing self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be limited to information only, and thus making a limited edition out of myself that can only be mobile once I have the information and useless when I have no information.

Over Loaded - Keep smiling Part 1

Who am I in this moment, I have noticed how I look at a point within myself from the perspective of seeing the point outside of myself. Instead of taking the point real time here as myself writing it out, so I asked myself, who am I in this moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to state for myself who I am in this moment and to within this question feel lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lost as a way of avoiding not having to SEE direct what is here as me in this moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself within the feeling of being lost to not have to look at the points that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid looking within, in myself to be intimate with myself and to see what is here a me as all that I have been living in secret and not sharing this and not investigating this and to just let it linger and grow and to not come out, as I see and realize in this moment that my Ego do not want these points to come out, I do not want to expose the Me that IS here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the Ego must always be protected at all costs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my ego is protecting others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I let my guard down (my ego down) that I will expose my weaknesses and within this everyone else that has built confidence within me as my ego will now see the truth of me of who I am inside and lose the confidence they have within me and so fall within themselves as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others are building themselves and who they are around who I am and who I give myself forth to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build/create myself according to how others are and to within this make my character dependent on others characters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide who I am behind a mask – my ego – in the believe that others are depending on me for keeping this mask/ego for them to be who they are and that if I drop this mask, that the other people will in that moment feel weak/unable to now stand as themselves as they have created themselves on this image I created around them.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the mask I carry/weak is only for my own self-interest and not for that of others, and for me having this fear that makes no sense is nonsense and thus a excuse/justification for why I am not looking into Who I am in this moment.

So I take a deep breathe, I relax, I keep breathing and I now stop the observation participation, I need to be in my body in my totality of who I am here, I need to literally be here to see who I am in this moment. I feel my eyes are heavy, I feel my hands are hungry to type, there is so much to write about, I haven’t written for myself in ages, I enjoy writing.

I am sitting on my right foot underneath my left upper leg folded onto the chair while I sit with a bend back leaning with my shoulders forward and typing with my hands while my bottom parts of my wrists are laying on the table with my hands/fingers dancing all over the keyboard.

While this is the Physical Image/pat of me as my expression – it is quite uncomfortable the way I am sitting, not supporting myself, I am having back pain now sitting this way and my back is stressing up as I write – this is self-support points related.

I am tired –this is who I am in the moment, the tiredness is me being tired in my eyes – the mind, I have been thinking all day, I have been arguing all day, I have been in many many different conversations all day, I have done so many things today that required me to direct and direct and direct and listen and listen and listen and speak and speak and speak and move and move and move, and then ALL this new information that comes in everyday all the time, from all different areas of my world, this person and then that person and then this person and then that person.

The information isn’t just a quick remember this or that kind of thing, NO it’s every time information coming from people that actually are Re directing my entire day three or four times a day and then my entire week three or four times a day, the information in my head is shaken and thrown around all the fucking time.

It’s never just simple my days, do this and get it done, its fucking new things every day, just as I think wow I have a system that works then BAM in your face – here is a new systems and implement it NOW and make it work now and then this new system effects all other systems and decisions and this effects my entire business for the day and the week and the movement of everything.

So who am I in this moment – I am over loaded – inside myself, I feel like there is NO more space for anything, I have tried many techniques but they all work only temporarily, I require a permanent solution – which is breathing consistently, but this I require to work on more - and taking in information at a consistent phase while changing information all the time – and not letting that build up.

Daily writing is definitely suggested.

To be continued with Self forgiveness.

Day 305 – Directing Tiredness Commitment Statements Part 3

Day 303 – Directing Tiredness  Part1
Day 304 - Directing Tiredness Part 2

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am forcing myself to be awake when I am tired, to instead see if there is time to take a nap and to set my alarm for a small period of time to nap and to take the nap and to get the tiredness out of the way so that I can move forward within my day to be effective and sufficient within applying myself with the daily activities that is still to be done.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself going into the thought of “seeing myself still having to do so much” to stop and to breathe and to move myself to do things and to not be “set Back” in getting things done through holding onto the thought of what still needs to be done within me feeling tired, seeing and realizing how this makes the tiredness much worse and how I then resist standing up even more to get things done, seeing and realizing how this then turns into me just sitting around, not napping or doing anything constructive but wasting time.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself wasting time because I have the Idea that I am to tired to do anything to instead Stop and to pick myself up and to breath and to move myself to see if it is me being tired or me making myself tired from thinking what still needs to be done.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself thinking about what needs to be done to stop and to breathe and to ask myself a really self honest question, why am I thinking about what still needs to be done instead of doing it, seeing and realizing that the thinking part is what is making me tired and not me actually doing it lol.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself thinking about doing something to stop and to breathe and to see that the thinking part is me projecting what needs to be done that this is done within comparison to what I have already done and thus overwhelming myself in the mind when in fact the actual physical reality of it is much less then what I am making it to be in my head.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself not using my Time in a constructive way to stop and to breathe and question what I am actually doing and why I am wasting my time and to within that be self honest with myself and to then direct myself according to the un deniable common sense that comes up.

I commit myself to when and as I feel that I am tired and cannot focus to give myself that hour of sleep that I know will work and have me fresh for the next four hours to be as effective and focused as I can be to do what needs to be done as I have proven to myself in the past through doing this.

I commit myself to investigate all point everyday when I experience myself as tired and to be self honest within the questioning and answering and to find the common sense and self honesty within breathing and to not just always go for the sleep first and or to not just go for the pushing myself first but to be clear on what happening and to understand myself and what I am doing so that I can stop and purify each point till I am clear and my starting point is clear.

Day 304 Directing tiredness Part 2

Day 303 Directing tiredness Part1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am tired to judge myself as being weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not breathing when and as I experience myself as tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the thought of seeing myself still having to do so many things yet I am tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see the thought of all the things i still need to do but I am tired to react ad judge myself as weak for being tired when I still need to complete many tasks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a opinion of myself of “I am better then this” and to from this opinion as a judgment as an Idea I have of myself that I desire to be of myself to then react and fear that I am and will never be it as I am currently tired and do not see myself passing the point of tiredness and becoming the Ideal me of not being tired and being able to move and get things done.
 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself f to judge tiredness as a weakness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge not getting tired as something that is amazing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others as being weak and useless when and as they claim to be tired and I am not, and to within this then have a bad reaction when and as I am tired within the fear of being like the others and that they will now judge me as I have judged them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being unable to push through a point such as being tired to be in a place of breathing and never being tired, seeing and realizing that to NEVER be tired is currently impossible as the physical does require sleep and thus my goal is a fantasy and not a reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I can work full day all the time with no rest and that I will still be unstoppable to get to all my tasks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that taking a little nap is giving into weakness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I must look at my physical reality and what is here and what I am doing and then to do the actual in fact math to see where4 have I been, in the mind or actually doing something to see where my tiredness is coming from, as that will determine if I can actually breathe through it and get here, or if the breathing will become a mindfuck for suppressing something that is real and only compromising myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see being tired as ONLY a limitation, not seeing that being tired is a sign that I need to rest to be affective again in all aspects of my life once rested.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself.
To be continued.

Directing Tiredness Part 1 - Day 303

I have been tired everyday coming from eleven plus hours of work, I have judged it as not cool, I should not get tired, why am I tired, the tiredness sinks in when I sit down or when I get in a position that my body (I) feel I can now just sleep, and then I “wake up for a moment from a reaction from a judgment of “I am better than this and thus if I am tired and want to nap I must be weak or not breathing.

And this compromises me from doing anything else, right now at this moment writing this blog I am half falling asleep lol, but I am breathing and I am typing, I know I am using my adrenaline to do this, it is amazing how far I can push myself sometimes, I only had 5 hours of sleep last night as I had to wake up and hour early to go to a car salesmen training conference in Durban for the entire day.

But here is the full story of what is happening daily. I come home and I am tired, so I sit down from a few minutes to have coffee and to relax a bit. Then the few minutes turns into half and hour and then I start moving and doing stuff, then after doing stuff for twenty minutes I sit down again, I am tired.

I am also within this NOT considering the full extent of my changes, I am in training at the new Job, I take in a shit load of brand new information ALL day from everyone at work, I am being passed around all day to do everyone’s small things from them, I am the new guy, and they are using me, till I am a actual car salesmen this will happen, they use me to do the things they know take effort, so I am all day doing everyone’s effort. I like it, I learn more than they can understand LOL.

I want to go take a nap but then I think, if I take a nap I will lose all that time sleeping when I can do something constructive, and if I take a nap I will struggle to sleep later again, so I do not sleep, but this turns into a time wasting pattern, where I now instead of taking a nap and getting the tiredness over with. I stand around and I sit around and I watch TV and everything for quite a while with the reasoning that at least I am awake.

Then I go and check my email, usually when I check my emails there are about a hundred, so I go through them individually to read it and to check what’s for me and what is not, and sitting in front of the screen makes me even more tired, so I decide to go and sit outside a bit more to remain awake.

Then this bit turns into another fifteen minutes and eventually even an hour as someone is watching something and I automatically use it as a excuse to sit and watch.

Then when I look at the time it is already nine or ten, and I go to sleep at eleven, I get back from work anytime from six till late, I never know what the day has in store in terms of coming home.

So what I have noticed is that if I am Tired when I get how I should instead GO and take a hour nap, not to long but enough to after an hour be busy for the next three hours within doing Desteni and Equal Money system things, that is then constructive and using my time sufficiently and what’s best for all life.

So I see that the IDEA and BELIEF I have created around being tired and wasting time when I take a nap has influenced me in such a way that I refuse to go and take a nap and instead compromise and Waste MORE time not doing anything.

I see the “pot hole” I fall into and it has happened now a few times. I know taking a hour nap usually sorts it all our because I did this in the past, a week or two ago and it was awesome, I was good and ready for the rest of the night.

So it is a simple way of applying myself within being sufficient and effective within taking practical preventive steps.

To be continued on SF and SCS.