Stop Fighting within. stop controlling, Trust here, breath Day 609

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight myself within the process of change, instead of allowing the change to flow as me unconditionally, without restraining the change, without holding it back, without fighting it, and to rather embrace the change within me, to express me as the change without thought. 

 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that thinking about doing something or expressing myself is in fact me fighting myself. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight my thoughts.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight any experience that comes up within me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight the Image I see in the mirror of my physical body.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight the posture my body has.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight my common sense and expressing it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight my fearlessness and to rather hold onto fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight for my limitations.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight the heat when it is hot.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight the cold when it is cold.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight disease and sickness when I have it. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight my breathing and how I am breathing. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight my spelling and typing skills. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight my reality and the people I have to interact with and how I experience any reactions that come up within me in those instances.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight TIME.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight aging.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight the food I eat as the thoughts and behaviors I have with the food I eat.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FIGHT reality as the physical that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight moving within reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight physical reality as the earth, nature and all that is natural through the clothes I wear and the comforts I implement just not to be in contact with nature such as shoes, hats, glasses and everything that is fighting what is here and resisting what is here as the earth, as that which is real.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight exploding in expression and rather hold it all back in fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight me standing up as I fight the fear and to within this believe that because I am fighting fears and insecurities the battle must mean it is real, instead of simply stopping fighting and living here expressing and breathing and standing as myself as true expression as life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight my money/financial situation within this world and who I have defined myself according to money and my personal financial situation.

The nasty living of REGRET, Day 5 of 21 – Day 590

The word regret brings out a lot within me, too much for on blog. Starting here is the best time.
Living regret is a nasty thing, it is self-destructive, it is self-harming, it is as if I am attempting to “live” but at the same time destroy myself. Living regret is like wanting to change but ONLY if the change can make up for the past, but the problem is, the past is a massive mountain that keeps on growing through the very act of trying to make up for the regrets, so no matter how much I attempt to change, no matter how much I attempt to make up for the past, it is impossible, because the past is just that. The past.

Here is one of the dimensions of how living regret is like a snow ball effect, where regret is just growing and getting bigger and bigger. And this regret is coming down on me every day, all the time, I am carrying the past with me as who I am all the time, regret is me telling myself THESE are the mistakes that I have made, LOOK – there they are, I have failed within ALL of those things, and I will have to go back to each and every point that I have failed at, that I have made mistakes within and make up for it, so I will carry them all with me and keep adding all the current mistakes and failures and hopefully, someday I might just make up for all of it.

The problem is, when I carry Regret (re-Get) with me, this burden, this stress, this heavy heavy feeling/emotion of I am a failure, I am a mistake, because I have all this evidence of it, so it must be who I am – and because it is SOOO much, it becomes an evil cycle where I will say to myself, or tell myself, OH well, I might as well fail at this again, I might as well just keep on making mistakes, because what real difference is it going to make compared to ALLL the past regrets as mistakes as failures that I already have. It is like adding a spade of dirt to a mountain every day, believing that this spade of dirt will not have any effect on the mountain, so I might as well just add many spades more a day, I mean just look at how tiny a spade of sand is compared to the Mountain (regret) – not considering that, if I do this for years and years, I have literally created another mountain.

Regret I would say is one of my main points, there are many dimensions and factors to this point and why I say it is one of my main points, but this point exists within me daily, and it is time to face the monster of regret that I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and exist as regret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in living IN regret and to make regret my daily living, where I feel I have to keep on making up for the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the regret of always being stubborn as a kid and to never learn anything new or give anything a chance that others have suggested to me, as I wanted to follow my own way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a resistance towards doing self-forgiveness on regret, where my mind goes blank, as if nothing is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the regret that I never stood up to adults and spoke out against abuse and to voice myself within common sense and what I could see as a child and to question and keep questioning everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret everything in my life as I ever did anything for myself and always did everything for others and where these other people are benefiting my personal self-interest and survival only, even when this means selling myself, giving up myself, my strong points, my natural expression that I had as a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at the end of everyday count all my regrets, as where I have failed, where I have made mistakes and to within this continue my following day within this regret, where I now attempt to suddenly be all good and be all doing, yet I am not making up for yesterday and so I miss out completely on HERE as today, the new day as well, and so the cycle of regret continues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I wake up in the morning, to check where am I going to correct myself today for yesterday’s mistakes/failures and so live in yesterday and to always end up failing and making mistakes again at the end of the day as I missed the entire day and so I now have many days the next day to make up for and so the cycle continues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this cycle of regret already move and direct myself within my day as a failure and thus I am more prone and open to self-destructive patterns and habits that I have formed to just put myself into that experience of I am a failure/mistake – just to confirm it and make it real so that I can make up for the entire day of living in this constant stress, anxiety of not making it through the day and getting to making up for the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into bad habits/pattern that are within secret just to play out the belief that I move around with all day within myself and that is and has become the reasons for what I do, yet hiding it with a fake smile, and so when in secret and I am alone, I feel that I can finally be myself, expose myself, YET not seeing and realizing that this person in secret isn’t ME, it is simply what I have accepted and allowed ME to live and be, and because I have not come to be self-honest within this point, I keep on falling into secret mind traps where I have a little cest pool of my own to indulge within my believe I have of myself, which I see and realize now I want to be true about me, why?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be a Living ball of regret as failure and mistakes where I keep on repeating these failures and mistakes that always include others in my reality as TO get others to SEE me as a failure as well and a mistake so that I can get others to believe in my believe that I have of myself, as to get attention and to keep myself in check within my personality as to support the mind consciousness systems as polarity., seeing and realizing that there is NO secret reasons for this play-out but simply the reason for the mind to continue and for me as the being t NEVER stand up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attached deeper and more meanings to my failures and mistakes that I keep on repeating, as they must be indicating something about me, this must be who I am, this must be a secret ME that must be true, that I cannot change, as I see and realize that this is ME fighting and standing for the mind and nothing else, where I actually in fact do NOT want to change but remain the mind as polarity game that can always confirm my personality through a self-created cycle of where I in fact have to literally participate and give my energy and attention to for it to exist and without me this personality/character cannot exist if I simply stop and breathe and live.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that this character of living regret is me in fact not wanting to change on a much deeper level, and thus I am still holding onto personality as the mind as knowledge and information as what defined me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the regret of never giving MYSELF a chance within the system as living the system when I was young, and where I would rather participate in separation and fear and thus create my OWN way and to within this have regrets of not testing out everything and keeping the good as what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the regret of being shy towards girls that I knew liked me when I was in school and to completely shy away and hide myself in fears, fears of what others might think of me, fear of what others might say to me, fear of how it will make ME look if I had to admit that I liked the certain girl as well, even though she wasn’t considered as a system model looking person. YET I liked her but could not stand within integrity of equality and oneness, but rather fall into what the system is going to say, or tease me, or make me feel less, not considering that this is what this other person had to experience all the time from others and I was unable to stand equal as that person and to be of support and assistance. Not to mention to even be Honest with myself and to within that change myself completely too rather LIKE what is seen as appropriate for my status and my popularity and my survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the regret of how I treated other people that didn’t seem to fit into the system, where I saw them as less than, and where I would only secretly be friends with these people to be nice to them, yet in public, in the open I would join the forces of the “popular” kids and be the evil that the system required me to be for my own survival and self-interest, never being able to stand for equality and oneness even when I knew within me even as a young child that it was evil and wrong and NOT best for all life, and yet I did it regardless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the regret of how I saw other people in my reality were treating animals/pets and even when I knew within me that it was Abusive in nature, not right, I remained silent, and I rather made the point about me, how I was raised with animals, and to use this as my justification for why I never stood up to other human beings and how they were treating animals, even when it was in the name of love, as I could now say, I am damaged, because of how I observed others handling animals as a child and so now I do not have a great relationship with animals anymore and thus can justify my behaviour around animals as being “disconnected”, not caring, not fully with the animal one and equal.
To be continued.

Day 499 - My the force of resistance be with you

the force of resistance is always against oneself, it is always as if the wind is blowing exactly in the opposite way of where you are walking, no matter which direction you turn too to avoid the force of the wind. 

walking with resistance is like climbing a mountain barefoot, placing your feet on the sharp stone corners, as it cut your feet little by little, till eventually you just stop climbing and decide to not continue anymore.

But, if you had shoes on, if you prepared for the trip, if you took into consideration the practicality of what is required to climb the mountain, then climbing the mountain would still have been hard, it would still have made you tired, but those are the things you can handle, it actually makes it more fun, feeling your body and your breathing, pushing through your limitations and boundaries and reaching for the top, instead of recklessly stumbling into a journey.

The problem is, one do not always know what the journey might require, one can thus not possibly prepare for the journey in any aspect, more specifically an internal journey, a point you are facing, yet there is always another way, instead of continuing climbing the mountain barefoot, one can develop a new skill, the skill of being patient, to not rush, to first climb down the mountain from the first cut on your feet, and to go find your shoes, and then continue the journey, and if one finds again that shoes wasn't the only thing required to climb the mountain, but something else, such as water, one do not continue climbing in the hope that you will reach the top fast enough to not need water, you again breathe and climb down, go fetch water and then continue climbing again, otherwise the resistance is always a choice within a point of ego, wanting to be more than reality, not actually having to change but to only reach the image, idea of change, standing on the top, but no one ever reached the top this way, as the ego always goes when reality gets though.

in this case - comparing the climbing of a mountain journey to the journey of a person walking their own personal process of change, of changing self into the living expression of LIFE, as that what is best for all life, with all the tools provided, such as Breathing, self forgiveness, developing self honesty and common sense. a person will climb many mountains within themselves, and climbing the mountain will be seen as "strong" and "good" but is it done with resistance continuously, instead of each point of resistance being investigated and taken on to a point of self support, this will mean climbing down, but most judge climbing back down as falling, most will deem it "bad, and thus rather keep on walking with the resistance, till their feet are sore and they are drained from water, the substance of LIFE and actually fail, quit, stop their process, instead of climbing the mountain till there is clarity and everything is seen and thus lived of/as each and every part of how the top was reached and understanding the journey.

see this is what the person that stops at the first point of resistance do, he climbs down to prepare to fetch the shoes, to then again go up again,  and then down again and fetch the water once he sees water is needed, and the go back up, every-time a little bit higher, and this person comes to the top stronger, he comes to the top understanding every dimension of the bottom, every level of the mountain and what is required to climb it, he/she has truly learned, he/she has truly developed self trust, confidence, he has truly built humility with himself, patience, he has developed so much of himself, that he can help the next person climbing the mountain either preparing for it or even prevent each level/each point within climbing the mountain, and thus bring forth change to himself and others much quicker, even though his process took much much longer, he can not climb the mountain for anyone, as everyone must still climb the mountain themselves to reach the top the same, but the journeys will be walked slightly different.

I myself have found through my journey, than when there is a point of resistance within me, that is it something from the past, a point I did not consider even though it bothered me, like a cut in my foot from climbing the mountain, but ignored it - and that it is accumulating more and more, I can handle the pain/resistance on a daily point, but the outcome of doing it this way will and can only lead to one thing, stopping, and thus every time I have a point of resistance within me, even if there are hundreds a day, I take on point of resistance and I climb back within myself, I check what it is that I have ignored, or not taken into consideration, what is it that is causing the resistance and to correct the point, because like walking against a strong wind, you can not see in-front of you, you have to consistently block and shad your eyes from the strong wind, the resistance, and you get irritated and feel like just sitting down somewhere, hoping the wind will calm down to make your journey calmed, but the wind, the force is this time within you.

218 – The Heat of on the Farm P2.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “feel” hot as an experience of myself as who I am when it is hot, seeing and realizing that who I am, become and become when it is hot influences the heat in multiple dimension as the mind and the physical instead of being here as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get irritated when and as I experience myself as hot.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tired when it is hot.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as it is hot inside or outside of the house to not breathe but instead go into an Idea/belief f that the heat must influence me as how I experience myself as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that who I am as the experience I have when and as it is hot to be real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless within my physical body when it is hot outside and my body feels heavy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel heavy when and as it is hot, seeing and realizing that the heavy feeling is me walking within the ideas and beliefs I have in relation to the heat I am experiencing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the sun is natural and my body as the physical one and equal as the sun is designed to be able to handle the sun quite effectively with me functioning and thus any other experience is mind, making the sun a burden.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I have made the sun within my mind a burden, seeing and realizing that within the idea/belief that I have created within and as my mind as the sun being burden I have made my body a burden equal and one as the sun as the physical where I function slow and heavy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the sun and my body within the sun/heat a burden – seeing and realizing that I have actually made the physical reality a burden within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I make the physical a burden within my mind that I am compromising myself and sabotaging myself where the physical then actually becomes a burden as a experience within me, seeing and realizing that this is not really so but a mind fuck.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I have separated myself as the physical as the sun as the heat as my body within the sun and heat and thus within this separation through the mind I have limited myself and given away my actual physical potential as breathing and working and moving one and e4qual as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that the sun is harmful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the words of others in the past to create and shape the perception I have of the sun for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself others fears of the sun and the heat to be mine and to within this live it as such.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief others in the past when and as they told me that the sun is harmful and will give me cancer, seeing and realizing how this created the resistance within me to be out in the sun.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the heat out in the sun the problem to justify my fear that I have for the sun and that I might get cancer in the sun.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it a fact within my mind as beliefs and ideas passed on from those that has gone before me that the sun is a cancer giving thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my common sense away to the trust I have placed within those that has gone before me about what they told me about the sun as being harmful because it gives cancer and not seeing for myself within questioning everything that the sun has always been here for billions of years and yet cancer i so new within modern society and now it is all blamed on the sun.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist going out and working in the sun in the heat within the belief that something bad can happen to me in the heat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my veins will pop in the heat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not drink enough water when and as I am out in the heat sweating, seeing and realizing how this takes down the bodies support system to function as it is designed to in heat and in the sun by at least 50% as I have proven to myself before that I can work twice as hard and longer in any heat conditions and sun when and as I have been consistent within drinking a supportive amount of water consistently over time.

To be continued.

Day 217 – The Heat of the Sun on the Farm

During my Day here on Desteni Farm there are times that it is really hot, the heat I am talking about isn’t always necessarily the Sun rays that is burning on my skin, I am talking about Humidity and a pressurized heat in the air that always seem to make me tired and that I do not want to move and work.

So that is what I experience physically, within this I also have mental shit coming up such as reactions and feeling irritated and with all of that back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the heat when and as it is hot temperatures.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the heat outside within the belief that when and as it is hot that I will suffer outside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear suffering in the heat outside when and as I have to get work done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see it as punishment when and as I have to work outside in the heat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when I am a bit out of my comfort zone that I am suffering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I do not have a clue what suffering is, seeing and realizing that I have been living in my comfort zone in fear of seeing what is behind the comfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I have created a comfort zone for myself through my habits and patterns, seeing and realizing that this comfort zone is my limitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about the heat and how I do not want to experience myself as being uncomfortable when and as it is hot, seeing and realizing that when I think about it I am making it so for my body as I constantly give my body the signals of what I am supposed to experience as discomfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my body signals that is from my mind as a interpretation of the physical reality that is based on ideas/beliefs that is not real and yet place these conditions onto my body through thinking and having thoughts and back chat existent within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself as my body through giving the mind permission to place conditions onto my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief my mind when I tell myself in my mind that the heat is going to be BAD, seeing and realizing that when and as I tell myself that I will experience that, instead of breathing and seeing what is here as the physical with no mind interpretations effecting anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I experience the heat as more than the heat itself such as being irritated or tired to within that experience belief it must be real what I am experiencing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get irritated from the heat during the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I get irritated from the heat as I have given the “experience within me about the heat more power than me here as the physical breathing.

To be continued.

Day 205 – Me against myself in Rebirthing myself as Life.

How is it that within my process of re-birthing myself I am against myself within this process to not change yet I am doing, it does not make sense, obviously this is where I look at what I am Stopping within and as me that does not want to end – The Mind, so here I am doing self forgiveness on this point and debunking a bit on the points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight myself within separating myself from myself as the one responsible for who I have accepted and allowed myself to be as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within seperating myself as and from the mind beleif that everything happening within me is happening to me, not seeing and realizing that it is me doing it all to myself as I have accepted and allowed the mind to dominate over the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and attempt to work with myself within re-birthing myself as the physical one and equal through separating who I have become as the mind from myself, seeing and realizing that I give away my power to work and change myself in fact when I try and hide what is here and to in awareness walk through and breathe and re-birth.

I am here to change – that is the decision I make, yet the change is so hard – Only to discover that within wanting to change and changing I am actually fighting myself from changing and the way is so cunning and deceptive. Best to breathe and walk physically as breathe to see what is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be against myself within my process of re-birthing myself through believing that the mind is real and that what ever is going on in my mind is valid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be against myself to change through validating and giving value to the mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions and backchat that is always voting for limitation of the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as the window of opportunity is here for change to instead of walking through the change and change as myself in and as breathe validate the minds reasoning and justifications and instead limit myself and miss the window of opportunity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only accept and allow myself to remain within who I know myself to be and to not push through as breathe to change in and as the physical, seeing and realizing how the mind will go into resistance when and as the point of physical change is here as it is not within my pre-programming and so the mind will fight change with resistance to keep the physical all to itself so that it can harvest energy for itself to continue its existence within self interest as limitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that it is to much effort to walk the physical change when and as the window of opportunity is here, seeing and realizing that this is the mind fighting and defending its limitation and not to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when and as the window of opportunity is here for me to change that I will or might within taking the step to change have to do more work or responsibility, seeing and realizing that this is the mind defending limitation and to keep me enslaved to the mind as energy and to not rebirth myself as the flesh as the physical as life one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into Reactions of the mind where I feel that if I change within and as the physical that I will e doing more than others as a point of fairness, seeing and realizing that this is the mind fighting and defending my limitations to not change and take self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the mind will use physical space and time reasoning to justify all point of change and why it will be impossible to change to keep me as the physical enslaved to the mind as limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the mind will use fear to keep me fighting myself to not change and rather remain limited and living in the mind so that the mind as energy can continue within the belief that the mind will live forever when in fact at death it is the physical that continue as life one and equal and the mind simply evaporates and ends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as the point of change is here where I have to walk the change as breathe to Belief and validate the mind and to within that start fighting within myself and so within my world, seeing and realizing that I have to keep breathing and not give attention to the mind and not to give into the reasoning and justification as temptation that will always seem valid when in fact it isn’t at all as I have proven to myself in the past that when I walk the change all reason and justification of the mind is was in fact a lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the mind will use the one thing that will always seem right not to change - the self interest as it will be un-noticeable to self as it is who I am still existing as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when and as I experience resistance that is must be real and that I must defend the resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I react within and as myself towards my physical reality and participating within my reality to belief that the reaction must mean something and that I must act on it within defending the reacting seeing and realizing that it is the mind defending limitation and self interest as energy to not to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use apparent physical facts to not to have to move or do certain things within my world such as the weather and circumstances and time and space and all these things that the mind can take and manipulate to look so real and fool the actual fact of the physical and to limit me and keep me enslaved to the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I am the one giving the mind full access to do all of this as I am the one that decides.

I commit myself to when and as I have the window of opportunity to change to breathe and to not give any validation to what ever the mind is giving me to why I can not do it or should do it that is within self interest and not best for all life and to instead see in real time and space what is actually real through moving myself in fact and doing it and changing and to move myself as breathe.

I commit myself to when and as I react or resist a point to within the realization that it is the mind trying and attempting to stop me from change to go there and to see what is real and what is not within what is best for all life and to debunk myself as the mind and to rebirth myself as life as the physical one and equal within movement as the physical as breathe.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself giving and participating within the mind defending my limitations and fighting myself to not change to within the realization that I am actually fighting myself to change which makes no sense to stop and use some common sense and to physically move myself - breathe and to stop the mind and stop myself from fighting myself and say till here no further I walk the change one ad equal as the physical.