Feeling Trapped - Day 660

When I was a teenager, I had a secret bag in my closet, packed with what I deemed "survival gear" lol. This bag was a manifestation of my readiness to sneak out of the house and disappear, to run away, to get out of the TRAP we call life.

I would lay in my bed at night, spending a lot of my time thinking about how I would run away, where I would go, what I would do, even to the point where I would be willing to kill others on my journey if they wanted to harm me. I would then think about how to hide the bodies, what to do with the bodies to not be caught, I had the idea that since I am a runaway, no one would suspect me, or find me.

My idea of running away once manifested for about 45min, I climbed out of a window with my bad, I started walking, down the street, it was very dark, very quiet, and I knew where I wanted to go.

I walked all the way to the highway which stretched for hundreds of kilometers away from everything into the wilderness of life. I stood still at this highway, I took in the cool fresh air, I looked around a bit, taking in the view. Then I heard a few men and bottles behind me moving and making noises, I immediately RAN as fast as I could all the way back to my parent's house, climbed into the back through the window and got back into bed.

My idea was shattered. I remained trapped in this world, I could not even leave my home freely, without fear of being murdered, kidnapped and who knows what else.

I had this feeling of being trapped no matter where I was, with friends, family, new people I lived with, relationships, name it all, I always ended up feeling trapped, stuck, like whatever I am in now is the reason for me to feel trapped, so I HAD to get the fuck out, IF I got out, well you guessed it, I felt trapped again not too long after in the new place, new people, new everything.

I became addicted to certain music, trance, techno, and many other types of music as a way to escape into my mind, eventually, I felt trapped by the music lol.

With walking my Desteni process I asked myself one question on a day after doing some great self-forgiveness - what if I am the trap, that traps everything and everyone else, what if I am responsible for trapping things through my constant experience of being trapped as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to TRAP other people within my experience of being trapped, and so actually create and manifest not just the experience of being a victim that is trapped, but live in such a way that I actually trap myself and others within my reality as being trapped as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself within the thoughts that I am trapped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself within my own patterns and habits designed and laid out of that being trapped, and so actually trap myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see reality as a trap, and so see everyone else as people that t that want to trap me, and thus already create distrust within me towards others based on an illusionary world in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize the trap I have been trying to run away from was/is within me as the mind, as the thoughts/behaviors/patterns that I participate within religiously as truth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse others through constantly holding the judgement within me that they are stupid trapped people that does not even know it and so they are less than human, and more like zombies, and so use people only for my own persuit of happiness in escaping the trap and being free, while trapping everyone else by abusing them.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize how I abuse others and do onto others exactly that which I fear is being done onto me within my MIND as an idea/feeling/thought, and yet manifesting it into reality through my living/bahaviour and patterns.
I forgive myself that I have not seen how I caused and created a TRAP of fear for my parents of me wanting to run away, out of a fear and feeling of msyelf for being trapped.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to SEE and realize how I trapped women in pamen in pain and emotional turmoil by cheating on them, breaking up with them just because I felt trapped.

I forgive myself that I have not seen and realized that I as teh paranoid and fearfull person of being trapped, causes and causes enslavement and entrapment through my actions to want to GET out only for myself, and so in the process abuse and trap everyone else. yet I never seem to get out but only more and more trapped as I try to get out.

I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realize that the more I want to get out of the trap of being poor, thus not being rich and so pushing to get out at any cost, I am pushing others int poverty and trapping them in the exact position that I want to get out of.

I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realized that I must stop, simply stop, any and all enegry, all movement within as energy, breathe and move myself from HERE as a single point of movement as living what is best for all standing one and equal as ALL that is here, to see and realize that we are ALL trapped, and we ALL want the same, feel the same, need the same in common sense, and so there is NO way only I am getting out unless we all get out one and equal, where getting our does not mena running away, but where we all stand for and as each other in oneness and equalyt, changing the system, supporting one another within personal change, and not to push someone else down so that one can be ontop.

Day 525 - What I enjoy doing versus what I have to do

 

What I enjoy versus what I have to do. Or let me change that to taking what I have to do and taking what I enjoy doing and creating a supportive way for me to always enjoy myself in what ever I do. Thus who I am in what I do becomes the enjoyment. See we have it backwards - we do things that we enjoy because they bring joy as an experience inside ourselves which is nice and comfortable. So if it is about how we initially experience ourselves within what we do then we can realize that our experiences are our own and we can thus decide our experiences in what ever we do. If we allow ourselves to let go of the judgements and ideas/beliefs/opinions inside of our minds that we recieved and accepted and allowed from others to become our thinking about everything. But this does not mean accepting and allowing any abuse or harm for self or another. That is a physical experience that needs to be addressed with others or seeking help support. I went from doing what I enjoy most as working outside building and being in nature to doing office work and being indoors and driving all the time as I needed to. So here I decided to change who I am withon it all to make it an expression of myself instead of a limitation.

Day 488 – Forgive ME

I know, you who are reading this, you are stuck in a place that feels like you will never be able to get out of it, like you have tried many times before to change this stuckness, but you have already accepted your life is just the way it is.

You have tried many times to change your life, you have tried many times to change yourself, but the patterns seem to just be stronger, it seems impossible to change who you are, you know you NEED to change, you know your situation needs to change, you know that this change is literally just in front of you, and that is probably what is the most frustrating part about the story of change, it is always RIGHT here, you can feel it, you know it is here, yet there is something else that just isn’t here to take that one step, from a limited victimized self to a self that is living their utmost potential.

Sometimes you might just feel like screaming and to get it out of the way, to just let it all go, to just say - till here and no further, but even that scream, you hold it back. Because you realize it won’t change anything but maybe hurt your vocal cords, or perhaps because you know the scream inside of you isn’t possible to be screamed.

You have a job, you have to earn money, you have a family, either your own or the one you come from, you have fun moments and you have things that you do sometimes that you enjoy, but when you are alone by yourself, that is when the real shit comes through, the part that no one knows, the part that is hidden, it is your burden to carry (you tell yourself).

Life is one big mess, we have political problems, we have economic problems, we have global environmental problems, we have so many problems in this world that needs to be sorted out, but it is all too much, because you, just like me, have to deal at the same time with where we are stuck, where we were born and our own life’s, you know you need to work and earn money and you know this is taking most of your living of your LIFE and you know that the job you have isn’t secure because the system we live in is the most unstable system we could have ever build a society on and make people dependent on it.

You see your planet being destroyed piece by piece and yet you know there is nothing you individually can do right now to change it, so you continue your days as all ways, just go to work, survive and earn money. Then spend the money you earn to make your part as your life in this world not so shitty as much as possible, to buy a chocolate or have a cuppachino, because you know having the money to buy something like that in a moment when you want to is a comfort, as 75% of the other people on earth do not have that luxury, I mean only 1,5 billion people have access to the internet, well can afford to be on it. So even just switching on the WIFI and browsing useless sites is like a confirmation to yourself that all is still okay (for you that is).

Yes I understand, what else is there to do, what else can you possibly spend your time on and your money, it isn’t like the world is going to change tomorrow by doing something different now and for the next ten years, so instead you will do nothing, or try and do something, but only bare minimal, because the idea is in your head, that maybe something will change, or maybe not, and give the maybe not a bigger chance inside yourself, and because of that do as little as possible for in-case nothing changes you didn’t waste your time on doing all the things that you did do, to maybe change the world. But who knows. You know.

And here you are again, a time loop, each year after year after year, standing in front the mirror of self-reflection, having to make that one decision to change, yet year after year the pattern has already been patterned through your own behavior to do the same thing as the year before, halfhearted, a big disbelief that guides the decision, a disbelief patterned only by yourself through your own actions, not realizing that all the evidence of no change is directly leading back to your own actions, the bread crumbs lay in a circle, like a snake eating its own tail, senseless isn’t it?

Do you see now why you always know that the moment for change is right here, it is as if it is just in front of you, you just have to make that one different move or decision and to live it, but you don’t, but you know you can do it NOW right here, you know you have that power, you know inside of yourself that it is the most possible thing ever, and the sad part is, because you know it is right here and that you know you can do it here in the breath that is present, you have simply created another belief, I can or might as well do it tomorrow then, why not? I know I can – so why now, what is one more day to wait. This is where the scary honest part comes in, you realize that you actually have come to find comfort in your limited version of yourself, you have actually come to enjoy the abuse of life of yourself onto yourself, you actually enjoy all the limitations, the FEAR has become the beacon of trust, as soon as fear arise, you rather follow that, you have learned to trust the fear.

And so your days continue day after day the same, even when you participate in movements for change, you know it will soon just become part of your daily routine of comfort, you know that soon this movement of change is still within your comfort zone, your boarders of comfort lined out inside of your own mind through society and all the systems that is here as the very things you want to change you find comfort within, you know that soon this movement of change that you are participating within will simply remain the same movement, the movement won’t change, it won’t really do anything in this world and soon you will just participate within this movement for change as if it is an activity, nothing real, nothing substantial, not pushing it as far you can push yourself, because you aren’t pushing yourself, that maybe of it won’t change anything and half-heartedness got the bigger chance inside of yourself, now minimal movement becomes the goal within the movement for change, it is like laying in hospital on life support, instead of supporting LIFE.

And now, if you can see what I am saying, if you can relate to what I am saying, you will understand the heading of this post, it isn’t about forgiving ME the writer of this post, as everything in the Universe leads back to who you are in reverse, we must change the heading of Forgive me, to self-forgiveness, you must forgive yourself. Because in each and every moment that you know you have the opportunity to change, to change the moment to bring forth that utmost potential in yourself, where you know you can do it now but instead do not, and you feel that there is just something missing, then here I am saying, that something that is missing is you forgiving yourself, you can feel these word in your core, you just want to scream it, but you know that is just an accumulation.

Instead take a practical step, take a breathe and make the change, forgive yourself for whatever reason in that moment is already pre decided in your mind, in the moment that you are going to use to justify your change and the change to this world and instead let go of fear, let go of the sadness that keeps accumulating inside yourself for not standing for yourself, and live. Be alive.

There is a very fine line between actual change and just change, see the difference is in the words, just change is Justified change, where one can still justify their change to others as a reason/way for an excuse to remain in a comfort zone in alignments with the abuse of the world that exist here, to not seem that far out, yet isn’t that what is required to bring actual change to a world that if literally fucked, change that is far out from this current world, isn’t that the only real indication that there is real change, what is scientific proof if it isn’t first met with research and proof that seems or is far out, and then proven correct over time, and soon implemented. But fear takes the cake. And to clarify, do not confuse actual change with irrational change, irrational change is when it isn’t in alignment with all that is here, it is a change that isn’t best for all. I mean changing self in a manner of living what is best for all should bring all people together, it should bring realness to life, it should bring real joy to life, and it should bring a change forth in others as you. Not fear and irrationality and discord.

Perhaps the fear for actual change is the misunderstanding or what actual change is, the fear of the unknown, would we prefer a world that gets fucked by war and famine and bloodshed and tears, or rather a world that is shaken by some real common sense and self-honesty and new messages and ways to life that can bring resolve to the problems we have personally and on a global scale where NONE of the bloodshed and tears is required. Which fear wins, most people prefer war and death over having a bad social status. How messed up is that.

I forgive Myself..

Over Loaded – Keep Smiling Part 2

Over Loaded – Keep Smiling Part1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overload myself with information intake through not breathing and grounding myself within the moment of receiving new information, where I instead think and over think and let the information spin around in my mind instead of breathing and absorbing the information as me in the moment.

When and as I am receiving new information from someone else and I am overloading myself with the new information through attempting to store ALL the information I have ever received in one place, I stop, I breathe, I ground myself with what is here and what is here to deal with, to take in, and to direct and move myself accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overwhelm myself with information intake when new information is received within the underlining fear of losing the information and to within this fear, rush all the information into my head and wanting to act on the information immediately before I can lose it.

When and as I see myself being in a state of fearing losing information that I am receiving, I stop, I breathe, I direct myself to NOT make this a point of the mind or ego, where I believe that I must be able to take in all this information at once, and I direct myself to after receiving all the information to slow down and to ask questions on the information I did not get/receive or understood and to physically integrate the information as a practical breathable phase, which is self-supporting and assisting myself in the moment to remain grounded and stable, to not make/create it into a mind point, and to write things down and not rely on the mind to be superior in theory, as it isn’t.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overload myself with information intake through taking in all the information I can in a conversation in the fear of, not getting all the information and then missing a point and not being able to act on the new information and be effective.

When and as I see myself being in the point of fearing losing a point within receiving information, I stop/I breathe, I direct myself within common sense, there is no need to fear losing and information as I can simply ask again, or clarify, thus I direct myself to be direct and to take authority as myself to ask.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being effective due to having lack of information and to within this rush myself and attempt to take in ALL of the information in one moment and to then make myself anxious and stressed holding onto all the information and to then wanting to act on the new information as soon as possible before I might lose it.

When and as I see myself fear not being effective just because I do not have certain information within me or with me, I stop and I breathe and I direct myself to be effective in the moment, to move myself in stability in and as the physical where I take the directive point of making myself effective and not relying on any outside information, where I equip myself with effectiveness, where I give myself the tools of effectiveness, using myself as breathing and directing and moving accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing information and to then not be effective within my application, and to give up and feel overloaded and not like I am capable of doing a single thing when a part of the information is missing and to within this completely postpone or NOT move myself for a long time, in fear of moving myself without having all the information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on information to decide how I will move myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear learning new information as I move, believing that learning new information as I move along makes me seem ineffective and not professional, seeing and realizing that this is the mind protecting its own self-created limitations through creating all these little tiny reasons and points that leads to one not moving directing self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be limited to information only, and thus making a limited edition out of myself that can only be mobile once I have the information and useless when I have no information.

Over Loaded - Keep smiling Part 1

Who am I in this moment, I have noticed how I look at a point within myself from the perspective of seeing the point outside of myself. Instead of taking the point real time here as myself writing it out, so I asked myself, who am I in this moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to state for myself who I am in this moment and to within this question feel lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lost as a way of avoiding not having to SEE direct what is here as me in this moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself within the feeling of being lost to not have to look at the points that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid looking within, in myself to be intimate with myself and to see what is here a me as all that I have been living in secret and not sharing this and not investigating this and to just let it linger and grow and to not come out, as I see and realize in this moment that my Ego do not want these points to come out, I do not want to expose the Me that IS here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the Ego must always be protected at all costs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my ego is protecting others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I let my guard down (my ego down) that I will expose my weaknesses and within this everyone else that has built confidence within me as my ego will now see the truth of me of who I am inside and lose the confidence they have within me and so fall within themselves as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others are building themselves and who they are around who I am and who I give myself forth to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build/create myself according to how others are and to within this make my character dependent on others characters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide who I am behind a mask – my ego – in the believe that others are depending on me for keeping this mask/ego for them to be who they are and that if I drop this mask, that the other people will in that moment feel weak/unable to now stand as themselves as they have created themselves on this image I created around them.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the mask I carry/weak is only for my own self-interest and not for that of others, and for me having this fear that makes no sense is nonsense and thus a excuse/justification for why I am not looking into Who I am in this moment.

So I take a deep breathe, I relax, I keep breathing and I now stop the observation participation, I need to be in my body in my totality of who I am here, I need to literally be here to see who I am in this moment. I feel my eyes are heavy, I feel my hands are hungry to type, there is so much to write about, I haven’t written for myself in ages, I enjoy writing.

I am sitting on my right foot underneath my left upper leg folded onto the chair while I sit with a bend back leaning with my shoulders forward and typing with my hands while my bottom parts of my wrists are laying on the table with my hands/fingers dancing all over the keyboard.

While this is the Physical Image/pat of me as my expression – it is quite uncomfortable the way I am sitting, not supporting myself, I am having back pain now sitting this way and my back is stressing up as I write – this is self-support points related.

I am tired –this is who I am in the moment, the tiredness is me being tired in my eyes – the mind, I have been thinking all day, I have been arguing all day, I have been in many many different conversations all day, I have done so many things today that required me to direct and direct and direct and listen and listen and listen and speak and speak and speak and move and move and move, and then ALL this new information that comes in everyday all the time, from all different areas of my world, this person and then that person and then this person and then that person.

The information isn’t just a quick remember this or that kind of thing, NO it’s every time information coming from people that actually are Re directing my entire day three or four times a day and then my entire week three or four times a day, the information in my head is shaken and thrown around all the fucking time.

It’s never just simple my days, do this and get it done, its fucking new things every day, just as I think wow I have a system that works then BAM in your face – here is a new systems and implement it NOW and make it work now and then this new system effects all other systems and decisions and this effects my entire business for the day and the week and the movement of everything.

So who am I in this moment – I am over loaded – inside myself, I feel like there is NO more space for anything, I have tried many techniques but they all work only temporarily, I require a permanent solution – which is breathing consistently, but this I require to work on more - and taking in information at a consistent phase while changing information all the time – and not letting that build up.

Daily writing is definitely suggested.

To be continued with Self forgiveness.

Day 299 – Do this Do that Do this Do that...

Today I had a reaction, more of a built up, a guy at work told me a week ago that I must not do everything all the other salesmen are asking me, they will take advantage of me, and once I give into helping them they will make it a habit, this advise I took, because he said, you are here to learn from this one guy, so don’t go doing everything for all the other salesmen, I said ok, but doing things for others is good training so that I will know I am able to do everything that is required to do and I will know how to do it best and that I can always do it, he Said NO, you must say No.

So the reaction from today came from a week long period after he told me that, HE has been asking me to do everything he can for him, even though I am not under his training, it is interesting to observe how he is doing exactly what he warned me to Not do for the others and now it seems he got me to himself LOL.

So the example will be as follow, he comes to work with his car, he parks it in a certain spot, later during the day he has to move it, literally like ten meters away, so he is standing outside doing nothing at that moment but he will call me and then when I come he will say, can you move that car for me, he puts the keys in my hands and he will say, just put it right over there, so I reacted, this has been happening daily a lot, He will ask me to do things like this all the time, I am not training with him but he is in the same office as me and the other guy, so it seems it has become a convenience for him.

I must remove this reaction and the built up which is through the back chat I have and which starts with the observations I make that is always already set within Judgment. Because I can see that if I continue the reaction/built-up that I will compromise and sabotage myself at some point within reacting, and not even towards him maybe, but towards someone else, like the boss or manager when they ask me to do something that I judge as stupid with the back chat that I have already trained to sound justifiable and full of reason.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the reactions about the other person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the reaction Is within me and thus I must deal with the reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react towards the other person when and as he asks me to do something for him that I judge as Stupid and that he can do it himself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react and take it personal when and as the other person asks of me to do something that I judge as stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge what the other person ask of me as stupid and to within that have the back chat of @why can’t he do it himself he must be lazy@.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the other person that asks of me to do things that I judge as stupid and small as being lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the back chat of 'why can’t he do it himself, he must be lazy ‘to exist within me and to move and direct me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the thought of seeing the other guy just using me so that he can do nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have secret back chat of @he must be using me just because he knows he can@ to exist within me and to direct me as reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a irritating feeling/emotion towards the other guys and so every time he calls me I am already within a reaction towards him as a preparation of a defence system for him to NOT ask me anything, seeing and realizing how this is compromising me and my effectiveness for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create resistance towards work and being at work in the expectation anticipation of him asking me to just do stupid little thing she whole time that I find to be tiring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that it is all the small things that is asked of to do that is tiring me out, seeing and realizing that it is not the things I am doing but that Thoughts and the back chat and the experiences I create that tire me out as a excuse and a way of seeking attention to say LOOK I worked hard and you tired me out, that I can and may later on use as a excuse when I react and have an argument to use as @look you make me tired asking me to do all these small things you can do yourself all the time while I am here to learn from the other guy and you just use me all the time and now I am losing out on learning, seeing and realizing that this is revealing my true nature as me not being able to handle myself and my job within and as breathe and thus I must breath and stop all mind participation before it is too late and consequences will be faced.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that it is the work I am doing that tires me out, seeing and realizing it is the secret work I am doing in my Mind while I am doing nothing that is actually tiring me out and thus already within that compromising and sabotaging myself from being effective and successful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that being tired all the time is already a consequence of participating within the mind.

I commit myself to when and as I wake up to Breathe and to let go of all expectations/anticipations and to clear myself effectively from all thoughts/projections of the day so that I can be here and start fresh every breathe and move myself effectively as myself for myself.

I commit myself to when and as the other guy asks of me to do something to take a deep breath and to look within me what is here as the energy/reactions which only takes a few seconds and to NOT give them any attention as being real, but to be self honest about them and to forgive myself and let it go, and to within that move myself and breathe. Till i can see and practically know I can do it as much as possible as long as possible without ever reacting or being moved by reaction.

I commit myself to when and as I see that if I do react to take a deep breath and to within self honesty realize that it is NOT real and that it is MY own experience of myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to become as the limitation and a pre-programmed being that has a set of programmes within me that always compromise and sabotage me from moving within the system and becoming successful and changing this fucking world once and for all.

I commit myself to let go of all self interest that I face during the day and to apply myself within NO morality when and as I see that I am faced with pre-programming and to effectively direct myself to move within the best interest of all life and that this movement isn’t limited to time and space and to what I can do and cannot do and what I like to do or not like to do but that this movement is always doing what needs to be done till it is done (change the human and change the world to that which is best for all life).

Day 156 - I can do This Continued.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I have to do something new such as a JOB in my life to think " I can not do this I am not mature enough" and to react to such thinking in a fearful way where I have the thought of " I see myself doing the new "job" and not being respected by the other people I work with and even get abused physically or emotionally" and to respond to the though within starting to create a new character that I belief will be "fit for the Job" where I will take on certain features and behaviors in defense of what I fear can/might happen such as changing my voice to a more deep manly voice, or start working out and pumping up my muscles to look stronger, or attempt to grow a beard to look older and tougher or to start wearing cloths that I belief will make me seem more rough and like I have had a tough life and know how to handle myself and situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a slave to the thought of "seeing myself doing the new job and not being respected or being abused emotionally or physical" and to go into survival mode to prepare myself for fight or flight, not seeing and realizing that I am actually the one creating and making myself the danger to others and that is why they would want to harm me as to protect themselves as I would have created this image/Idea that imposes and threatens others, which creates fear in others and as they would do the same as me. And in the end we have both sides living in fear of each other and thus have more of a probability of someone hurting someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the idea/thought of being abused physically by other people I do not know.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create thoughts of fighting and dying and abuse within my mind, just because I have a fear of strangers and that they are always the evil ones, never looking at myself and my actions and seeing how I am actually making myself the evil one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make other people as "always being the evil people" and that I am always the one that must defend myself against them.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that if I always see/create/make everyone out there as the "evil people" and that I am the good one that must prepare myself to fight and defend myself not seeing and realizing that the other people are doing and thinking the same as me, and thus that is what creates the evil from fear as thoughts, two "good" sides believing the other side is evil and thus both prepare to harm one another out of the Made up fear of one another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that we live in a world system called capitalism that is based on the principal of some have and some does not have, and thus the whole world is turned against each-other in their minds in the fear of being the one that does not have, like billions of others around us, and thus everyone that does have - will fight each other and scheme against each other in order to win and not lose so that they can continue feeding themselves and their families, seeing and realizing that the thought patter I have and the fear is but a creation of a world that does not support people but leaves people to suffer and survive at any cost, and that how the Capitalistic system take "good" people and turn all into evil as humans that only know self interest - as if it is the only way to survive and live in this world and will die for self interest, as there is no other way to live currently, this is why the equal money system is the solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear others humans through projecting what I know I am willing to do in the name of self interest and survival onto them and to within this continue the evil within, instead of stopping and living here physically within common sense and practicality and not thoughts/feeling/emotions and so Step by step change who I am and so change the world as who I am determines what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the future in my mind within thoughts where I can only project my fears as becoming real in my future and thus only live in fear and create fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that what I fear and project into the future as my fears is me laying out a path for myself that I am telling myself I will walk and thus will create the fear to become real, seeing and realizing that this is really stupid and self abuse, instead of being here as all life in each breathe in consideration of all that is here within common sense and self honesty and to direct myself in each moment in consideration of all that is here, and not a a future projection that is actually just me projecting my fear that is a very limited and enslaved path to a certain idea/belief and not what is here in fact.

I commit myself to when and as I see the fear coming up towards other humans/people to take a deep breath and to real(eyes) the reality here and to not give the mind that is literally not real in any way any attention and to breathe and forgive myself and to participate in reality with what I can see here and touch here and interact with here.

I commit myself to when and as I am faced with seeking employment with an employee to breathe and stop the mind and to not give the mind any attention and to focus on the physical here as the truth and to direct and communicate accordingly and not to give into any feelings/emotions/thoughts that will sabotage and compromise me in achieving what needs to be done.

I commit myself to when and as I am faced with an employee and any self judgment comes up such as me feeling insecure or not mature enough or to young or not capable to stop and breathe and realize it is all in my mind literally, as I have proven to myself for years now that I can handle everything I have dealt with without ever really being prepared but to trust myself in the moment and to focus on the physical and not the limitations of the mind.