Day 639, 32 words –DISCONNECTED word 3

At first, when I read this word there was no attraction towards the word to work with it, to explore the word. I looked at it and I saw nothing. This is where my Desteni tools kicked in, I slowed down and breathed and looked at the word instead of just scrolling past it with my eyes looking for the next word, a word that I would have a “feelings” towards to work with.

As I paused and looked at the word and kept saying it to myself, DIS – CON – NECT – ED, still nothing came up. I placed a red flag, as I noticed that nothing was “coming up” I still sensed this kind of white barrier within me, I say white because that’s what comes to mind like there is something hidden, yet not hidden, and this word is behind that white barrier.

When I look at this barrier that comes up within me, I see that this IS the point of disconnected, as there should be NO barriers within me, as that is a disconnection within me from me. I am finding this quit “exciting” now as I am exploring this word, but not through the definition of the word or the sounding of the word as usual, but I am finding that I am actually finding the manifestation and living of this word within me, which has no feeling, no reference, as that is the implication of this word – Disconnected.

As I have disconnected me from something, then it is obvious that there is no connection to have a feeling, or emotion, or memory, or thought, or reference, or anything to come up within me to say YES!! This is the word I must work with, as there is something, the point of this word is that there should be nothing yet something, the nothing is that there is no connection, yet there not being a connection as a “problem” makes it something and not nothing.

So what am I disconnecting myself from? Wow, this is quite interesting, I have a slight resistance coming up now with a hint of anxiety arising as if I am surprising myself, yet at the same time I kind of already at a quantum time processed what it is, which is that I have disconnected me from ME. This ME is a part of who I am yet I disconnected myself from that part, I discarded it as not relevant within this world, and thus not relevant to me.

I will now go to the dictionary to find the definition of this word too.

DISCONNECTED:

having had a connection broken.

"he expected the disconnected phone to start ringing"

·         (of a person) lacking contact with reality.

"I drove away, feeling disconnected from the real world"

synonyms:

detached, separate, separated, divorced, cut off, isolated, dissociated, disengaged, removed, unconnected, unattached; apart "I drove away feeling disconnected from the real world"

·         (of speech, writing, or thought) lacking a logical sequence.

"a disconnected narrative"

When I look at the word Disconnected, I see IS Connected with a D in front of it – The D is like this white wall I described within me, the D is standing as a Denial, a denial that I am connected, IS connected. What am I standing within denial of within my reality, within REALITY as all that is here? That I am not connected/disconnected.

I am going to go back to self and see with my own eyes why I am living I denial of the fact that I am connected to all that is here, not in a spiritual way, but in a literal scientific way, not just in matter but in fact in actual current day to day events, happening and all that is actually going on, that I am in fact connected to it all, especially in my direct reality, I can see how within my direct reality I have points of abdicating involvement or playing a part In certain things that takes place, or how things move or are going and so I within myself disconnect myself from certain points moving to stand outside of it as an observer. I do this as I FEAR speaking or acting on certain points that are being moved and then having a hand within it, I fear this because I fear that if things within certain events and situations do not work out, that I will be connected to why and how things possible move. This is a position I take the belief that if I do not see the monsters then they will not harm me, a childhood belief.

Within the other part of the definition of the word disconnected it mentions is “lacking a logical sequence” – wow, I never knew the definition can be that specific in defining disconnected to attach this definition somehow to be relevant to logic, and then sequence, which is WORDS and making sense of reality.

This is something I have been struggling a lot within my reality, as my previous blog on articulate made it clear, and probably dozens of other blogs since 2012.

This makes the moments where I disconnect myself from reality/events/situations/circumstances and MYSELF much clearer – as I have never been able to place what I SEE or what I want to DO into a logical sequence to be able to ACTUALLY participate in a way that expresses me in my totality and to have the effect that I wanted, that was within me, that which I saw in fact, and so I within this simply disconnected myself and to rather have NO play. But what I am not seeing and realizing is that I am always a player, even if I am simply standing on the side and watching, listening and seeing, my very act of just standing there not saying a word, not moving a muscle is playing a role that affects the whole play ANYWAY.

Ok – time to slow down, as I have been writing out the phase of exploration above, I started developing this unrest within me in relation to this word – DISCONNECTED – a small feeling of sadness, a memory of childhood, a moment of breaking something within me, giving up, distancing myself from ME, a part of me, a part that I have seen useless, a part of me that I dug a hole for and put it in there and closed it up. I feel that this part of me was something that annoyed and burdened others and thus with this part I was ignored and shunned from reality, unless I killed this part of me, and I developed a HATE towards myself for being this way, having this trait, this expression that didn’t seem to fit in, this soft and kind part of myself, this caring and loving child.

Looking inside of self I see many memories popping up, many moments where I slowly started disconnecting myself, where I slowly started placing this white wall of an illusion within me, the illusion is that I believe I can disconnect myself, and I have been living within this illusion through living out the opposite of what I disconnected myself from within myself, outside of myself.

The memories/moments all took place at the age of 6 and 13. ALL these memories are specifically in relation to animals/nature – I want to jump to the statement of ‘ I have stopped caring for nature and animals as a true expression s society didn’t care and every time I cared no one cared and found me annoying and a burden when I requested action” but I will not jump to this conclusion of the memories – the memories were all with animals and very specific, but these events could have been in relation to anything else and still had the same effect, the effect where I stopped actually caring, where I stopped actually showing affection towards anything.

I have disconnected myself from the decision I have made where I chose the matrix over life and where I have abandoned life within me and so within this world, where I gave over my expression to that of a personality with multiple characters to survive, to fit in, to be cool, to get a girlfriend, to not be bullied, to not be seen as weird, to not be seen as the person that is different. I have killed my care through making that decision that is more important for me to survive and to let the animals/nature/life suffer and have no one be the voice for them, as I gave my voice away to a system instead, in my head.

Now, I see and realize that the past is the past, I cannot go back and regain the experience and expression I was as a child, as it is coming from a memory, and memories cannot be trusted. So, I see and realize I must WILLINGLY create myself to actually CARE, to DARE myself to be all that which I was afraid of and LIVE it, express it, to end self-interest and fear, as I see and realize that it is more valuable to have lived for real than to fake for survival, to stand for all than to just stand for myself, and to be different, weird, strange, and annoy and burden people with care is much better than to coward away in awareness of what is going on. Now, I am not saying preaching, I am not saying going into irrational actions of the mind as projections of images of what this must be like, I am stating and committing myself to start with myself daily, to implement this expression as me as my environment and from there I expand naturally, creating this real time, to realize my in fact connection, remove the illusion of disconnectedness and so all the fears.

A voice for and as LIFE, as I am connected in fact, not even connected, I am simply all here as one, now to bring inequality is the point I commit myself to stand as within all forms and shapes and all matters that actually matter.

The nasty living of REGRET, Day 5 of 21 – Day 590

The word regret brings out a lot within me, too much for on blog. Starting here is the best time.
Living regret is a nasty thing, it is self-destructive, it is self-harming, it is as if I am attempting to “live” but at the same time destroy myself. Living regret is like wanting to change but ONLY if the change can make up for the past, but the problem is, the past is a massive mountain that keeps on growing through the very act of trying to make up for the regrets, so no matter how much I attempt to change, no matter how much I attempt to make up for the past, it is impossible, because the past is just that. The past.

Here is one of the dimensions of how living regret is like a snow ball effect, where regret is just growing and getting bigger and bigger. And this regret is coming down on me every day, all the time, I am carrying the past with me as who I am all the time, regret is me telling myself THESE are the mistakes that I have made, LOOK – there they are, I have failed within ALL of those things, and I will have to go back to each and every point that I have failed at, that I have made mistakes within and make up for it, so I will carry them all with me and keep adding all the current mistakes and failures and hopefully, someday I might just make up for all of it.

The problem is, when I carry Regret (re-Get) with me, this burden, this stress, this heavy heavy feeling/emotion of I am a failure, I am a mistake, because I have all this evidence of it, so it must be who I am – and because it is SOOO much, it becomes an evil cycle where I will say to myself, or tell myself, OH well, I might as well fail at this again, I might as well just keep on making mistakes, because what real difference is it going to make compared to ALLL the past regrets as mistakes as failures that I already have. It is like adding a spade of dirt to a mountain every day, believing that this spade of dirt will not have any effect on the mountain, so I might as well just add many spades more a day, I mean just look at how tiny a spade of sand is compared to the Mountain (regret) – not considering that, if I do this for years and years, I have literally created another mountain.

Regret I would say is one of my main points, there are many dimensions and factors to this point and why I say it is one of my main points, but this point exists within me daily, and it is time to face the monster of regret that I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and exist as regret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in living IN regret and to make regret my daily living, where I feel I have to keep on making up for the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the regret of always being stubborn as a kid and to never learn anything new or give anything a chance that others have suggested to me, as I wanted to follow my own way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a resistance towards doing self-forgiveness on regret, where my mind goes blank, as if nothing is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the regret that I never stood up to adults and spoke out against abuse and to voice myself within common sense and what I could see as a child and to question and keep questioning everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret everything in my life as I ever did anything for myself and always did everything for others and where these other people are benefiting my personal self-interest and survival only, even when this means selling myself, giving up myself, my strong points, my natural expression that I had as a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at the end of everyday count all my regrets, as where I have failed, where I have made mistakes and to within this continue my following day within this regret, where I now attempt to suddenly be all good and be all doing, yet I am not making up for yesterday and so I miss out completely on HERE as today, the new day as well, and so the cycle of regret continues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I wake up in the morning, to check where am I going to correct myself today for yesterday’s mistakes/failures and so live in yesterday and to always end up failing and making mistakes again at the end of the day as I missed the entire day and so I now have many days the next day to make up for and so the cycle continues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this cycle of regret already move and direct myself within my day as a failure and thus I am more prone and open to self-destructive patterns and habits that I have formed to just put myself into that experience of I am a failure/mistake – just to confirm it and make it real so that I can make up for the entire day of living in this constant stress, anxiety of not making it through the day and getting to making up for the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into bad habits/pattern that are within secret just to play out the belief that I move around with all day within myself and that is and has become the reasons for what I do, yet hiding it with a fake smile, and so when in secret and I am alone, I feel that I can finally be myself, expose myself, YET not seeing and realizing that this person in secret isn’t ME, it is simply what I have accepted and allowed ME to live and be, and because I have not come to be self-honest within this point, I keep on falling into secret mind traps where I have a little cest pool of my own to indulge within my believe I have of myself, which I see and realize now I want to be true about me, why?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be a Living ball of regret as failure and mistakes where I keep on repeating these failures and mistakes that always include others in my reality as TO get others to SEE me as a failure as well and a mistake so that I can get others to believe in my believe that I have of myself, as to get attention and to keep myself in check within my personality as to support the mind consciousness systems as polarity., seeing and realizing that there is NO secret reasons for this play-out but simply the reason for the mind to continue and for me as the being t NEVER stand up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attached deeper and more meanings to my failures and mistakes that I keep on repeating, as they must be indicating something about me, this must be who I am, this must be a secret ME that must be true, that I cannot change, as I see and realize that this is ME fighting and standing for the mind and nothing else, where I actually in fact do NOT want to change but remain the mind as polarity game that can always confirm my personality through a self-created cycle of where I in fact have to literally participate and give my energy and attention to for it to exist and without me this personality/character cannot exist if I simply stop and breathe and live.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that this character of living regret is me in fact not wanting to change on a much deeper level, and thus I am still holding onto personality as the mind as knowledge and information as what defined me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the regret of never giving MYSELF a chance within the system as living the system when I was young, and where I would rather participate in separation and fear and thus create my OWN way and to within this have regrets of not testing out everything and keeping the good as what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the regret of being shy towards girls that I knew liked me when I was in school and to completely shy away and hide myself in fears, fears of what others might think of me, fear of what others might say to me, fear of how it will make ME look if I had to admit that I liked the certain girl as well, even though she wasn’t considered as a system model looking person. YET I liked her but could not stand within integrity of equality and oneness, but rather fall into what the system is going to say, or tease me, or make me feel less, not considering that this is what this other person had to experience all the time from others and I was unable to stand equal as that person and to be of support and assistance. Not to mention to even be Honest with myself and to within that change myself completely too rather LIKE what is seen as appropriate for my status and my popularity and my survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the regret of how I treated other people that didn’t seem to fit into the system, where I saw them as less than, and where I would only secretly be friends with these people to be nice to them, yet in public, in the open I would join the forces of the “popular” kids and be the evil that the system required me to be for my own survival and self-interest, never being able to stand for equality and oneness even when I knew within me even as a young child that it was evil and wrong and NOT best for all life, and yet I did it regardless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the regret of how I saw other people in my reality were treating animals/pets and even when I knew within me that it was Abusive in nature, not right, I remained silent, and I rather made the point about me, how I was raised with animals, and to use this as my justification for why I never stood up to other human beings and how they were treating animals, even when it was in the name of love, as I could now say, I am damaged, because of how I observed others handling animals as a child and so now I do not have a great relationship with animals anymore and thus can justify my behaviour around animals as being “disconnected”, not caring, not fully with the animal one and equal.
To be continued.

Day 430 - Is this Possible - Standing as all Characters Part 3

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.Day 428 - Is this Possible - Standing as all Characters Part 1
Day 429 - Is this Possible - Standing as all Characters Part 2

When and as I see myself separating myself from other characters that are here in this world as the humans through judgments, I stop I breathe and I stand stable within breathing and do not accept or allow any judgment within me that is of separation from another.

When and as I see myself accessing the “belief” or the automated pattern where I “belief” that I have to judge other people as their characters in a good/bad manner in order to feel save and to only protect my own self-interest – I STOP, I breathe, I see and realize that it is but only a Belief and a Pattern that I have automated to protect only my own self-interest, and that within this I am separating myself from the other being and thus creating “fear” within myself that is unnecessary and only sabotaging myself and the other person.

When and as I see that I am within the Pattern as the Behaviors and the thoughts/back-chat within me where I am attacking/judging another in a good or bad way just to protect my won fears/self-interest, I stop I breathe and I rather direct myself and what I give attention to, to myself and my breathing and me being here as the Physical in practicality and learning to know thyself as another.

When and as I see myself judging myself as the characters that I have accepted and allowed myself to become/exist as in a good/bad relationship just so that I can judge another characters/people to feel good/bad about myself as a way to fuel the energy that I am addicted to as the patterns that I have constructed for myself as endless cycles of doing the same thing over and over again just to have the same energy feelings/emotions just so that I can feel I am surviving and living and protecting myself as the patterns of separation that I have created for myself I stop and I breathe and I direct myself out of this endless cycle of self-abuse and “broken record” living, and to move myself to rather stop the separation within myself and to stand and walk in another’s shoes as my own and or walk my own shoes first to understand myself and how I created myself so that I can walk a solution and become the living example for myself as that which is best for all life in full understanding of all the mechanics that is here as creation as myself.

When and as I see myself being in judgment while helping or attempting to help another – I stop and I breathe, I realize the consequences of my actions as all actions and words I speak in the attempt of helping another person will be contaminated by my secret judgment and thus not be helping but rather creating problems, as I see and realize that I am helping another through seeing them and their situation as separate from myself and not standing in their shoes as them as myself in that moment and helping them as I would have helped myself in such a situation.

When and as I see that I am in fearsof another – thus fearsng standing in their shoes in fact in the moment in separation coming from a belief of that I am different and that I would not have done the same if I was that person – I stop and I breathe and I allow myself to really Talk or communicate with the other being or to be here in breathe listening unconditionally and to place myself in their shoes and to see for myself in fact if I were in their shoes what I would have done and how they have done what they are doing or did and to check myself the truth and to only then give an answer or direction to them as myself and not in separation as judgments that come from self-interested characters that’s only in it to protect themselves and their own energy sources from/as the mind.

Day 429 – Is this Possible – Standing as all Characters Part 2

Continuing from - Day 428 - Is this Possible, Standing as all Characters Part 1

Clarification – when I say walk in anothers shoes, I am not saying go and actually do things, like if you walk in the shoes of a murdered without judgment, it does not mean go and murder someone just to walk in their shoes, see we humans have this ability that isn’t about feelings or emotions or imagination or mind basically, this ability is where we are all in fact ONE, and thus we can as ourselves within ourselves place ourselves with and as another to see their life and creations as ourselves – because we are all in the end the exact same in how we function and create characters and live them, it is to walk each process of each character within self to see the creation process and to understand it and to stand one and equal to all characters – this is where one can stand as all characters and not be in fear of characters and then take it further – walk as each character the process of self-forgiveness and self-change to be that which is best for all life and to be life – and thus one find’s as yourself the solution and takes a position of authority – so there is no excuses and a clarity for all existing characters on how to change as you are the example, and this will lead to where one will find many characters require a System change to give them the opportunity to change. This understanding within self and all will be motivation enough to why Living Income Guaranteed is a Must.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from all other characters that are here in this world as the people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as judgment as the point of separation of what is here as all characters that exist as the humans here on earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Belief that I as the Character that I exist as have to judge all other characters in a Good/bad relationship in order to feel save and to only protect my own self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge all other characters as Good/Bad just to protect my own self-interest as the character that I exist as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Judge myself and my Character(s) that I exist as in a good/bad relationship and to within this judge all other characters to feel good/bad about myself as a way of keeping myself in check within my own self judgment and the judgment of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT consider walking in another person’s shoes unconditionally in fact through taking off my shoes for a moment and to fully understand another as myself so that I can stand as the Problem and the solution in clarity in fact as that what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when I am helping or attempting to help or support another being while being in judgment of that person and their character that I cannot help them but instead all I can/am doing is making decisions based on the judgments I have within my mind towards/about the other person instead of the actual problem and thus the solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ignorant to the message of “walking in another’s shoes” as a point of judgment which reflects the ignorance of actually in fact understanding the implication and the practical application of such statement and to walk it practically in fact in each breathe/moment.

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to fear stepping out of my own shoes, out of the comfort of my own shoes and to step into another’s shoes in fact as myself and to walk, as the fear is of what I might find and what I have to admit and realize for myself and that what I have judged and believed was/is always just a lie and not real and the abuse that exist within that and all I have done thus far through the separation, thus seeing and realizing I must walk in the shoes of another to understand myself as them and to within this not place any judgment of good or bad, but to do so within the principle of what’s best for all life being my guide.
To be continued.

Day 428 – Is this Possible, Standing as all Characters Part 1

Why do I fear a murderer or a rapist or a gangster or a gym buff or a weird looking person standing on the corner of the street, or a homeless guy? Why do I fear these characters?

It is simple, to first realize that it is all only characters – as a character is someone that plays a certain role in a movie/film or a performance, and we are currently living in a show called capitalism, and capitalism requires characters to play certain roles so that capitalism can be capitalism.

If the People/Characters that exist today did not exist the show called capitalism could not have been possible, each and every role of each and every character is specific and simply a creation from the system/environment.

The characters are each unique and special within how they were created since birth, the character that is built and designed how to act/speak/move and then what to do is all formed and trained how to act accordingly to the input from the environment and thus the memory implants, the characters aren’t the being that was born, it is literally an actor playing its role, unaware that it’s a role and calling if Life, this is simply how life is.

So why do I fear these characters? I myself am a character, so as my character I must play the roles that I have learned since I was a child and then the roles I have assigned myself through what was taught to me as a child, so all other characters are obviously acting with me in this BIG play we call life, only the things we act out are REAL based on fictional creations in our minds, that’s one scary point, so the other point is, as my character I am not allowed to ever BREAK character, otherwise I will lose my job, I will get fired from my role and who knows where I will end up.

So standing in the shoes of others as their characters is breaking character, I am stepping out of my acting shoes and standing in someone else’s acting shoes. Which goes against the script I got from those that have gone before me!

So I always stay in my shoes and rather judge all the other characters and separate myself from all the other characters just so that I can keep my character, through judging all the other characters I am defining my character as everything I don’t want to be judged as as what I judged others as, because I see the evil within me through the act of judging and thus fear this act of evil to be done onto me, it’s like I fear judging myself the same way I judge others, how ridiculous, because apparently at the end of the show we call life, there will be a reward for the best character, this reward comes in many forms as many different parts of life assume it will be after death and claim it as truth.

So I am facing a few characters and will be facing a lot more coming, many I have never even met yet, because each character is circumstantial in a way.

Its like when I was sixteen and I went with a friend to a petrol station and he introduced me to this Nigerian guy that is his drug dealer, this was a mean motherfucker, I was shit scared of him, he was massive with BIG muscles and he had lots of chains and gold rings and tooth and a sidearm on him, in the open, this guy had the whole Character of gangster and that he has been in some shit I have never even thought of, who Knows, I feared this character and till today I fear anyone that might resemble such character, yet why do I fear him?

I never took the time to place myself in this characters shoe and to walk in his shoes and see for myself, I immediately went into first Judging and thus separating and thus creating fear.

Same with once I stopped drinking alcohol, everyone else drinking alcohol is scary, yes I was that character before, I played that role a few times, I fucked up badly with this character, yet Now I suddenly am faced with these characters in my life and I don’t know what to do, I still fear them, they are unpredictable and drunk/possessed.

This reveals to me that even when I was that character I never investigated myself as the character even, I even separated myself from the characters that I played, and now I have to revisit these characters and face myself as the character and stop the fear/separation within me, stopping the judgments.

Journey to be continued.

Day 391 – Stress Character Part 2 commitments.

Day 391 – Stress Character Part1

I commit myself to practice daily my breathing and to feel my entire body within breathing to see where I am tense and stressed and to within breathing relax my body, to let go of the tenseness and to see what is the thoughts, the back chat the reason behind the specific parts of my body that tense up and to stop participating within such unnecessary patterns.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am tensed within my body to breathe and to move my body till it is out, to stretch and to support and assist myself to move in the physical and not in and as the mind as energy.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am stressed to investigate in that moment why I am stressed within what is going on in my mind in my back chat and my thoughts that are creating and generating the stress, and to be self-honest with myself about the point so that I can see what I am doing and within understanding stop and breathe and move on.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am stressed and moving myself according to being stressed to stop myself in my tracks and to slow physically down and breathe till I am moving as my breathe and to then continue moving as I did before if it is really necessary but not from the starting point of stress but from practicality.

I commit myself to when and as I am experiencing anxiety/fear and stress to not accept and allow myself to exist as it or for it to move/go into the rest of my day or the next moment and to stop and to breathe and to say’ till here and no further” as I walk as breathe.

I commit myself to stop stressing out about everything or anything just because I believe I have to.

I commit myself to face myself as the stress/anxiety that I have created as me and that I have accepted and allowed to exist as me for all these years, and to not do so anymore as I can see it is useless and bullshit.

I commit myself to practice patience and moving as breathe, as that is what is best for me and supportive for me and assisting for me, and when and as I support and assist myself within living as the physical, as the one reality that we all share, I am doing what’s best for all, as I move out from my mind out of self-interest and thus can start to see reality and what we as humanity have accepted and allowed as w hole as one body to create on our one planet for all life and to really get down to fixing it, creating solutions and presenting it to everyone.

Day 390 – Stress Character Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress just by hearing the word relax.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear relaxing and breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when and as I relax and breathe and there is nothing internally such as anxiety/fear rushing me that I will not get tasks done or get anywhere and get into trouble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that the stressed out character is a character that I have created within my childhood years as a protection mechanism, where I have learned that when and as I get yelled at or shouted at for not doing something, or getting someone done wrong and then when I go back and do it again while being anxious/fearful that the other person is feeling good, feeling that I am now learning my lesson, and that I have learned that if I do everything within such a behavior of being “stressed” fearful/anxious that the other people will believe I am busy and doing my best and thus leave me alone and that there is no need for yelling or getting me into trouble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see that I have integrated this character as me completely as my physical through participating within the mind over many years as fear/anxiety and using the stressed character to manipulate others into believing that I am doing my best, I am trying me best, I am busy, I am not slacking, I am taking stress and therefore I am a good person. So no need to discipline Gian.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define discipline as shouting and screaming and being mean to someone else, to create fear/anxiety/stress within that person in relation to the certain point so that next time the person will activate the fear/anxiety/stress before they even work/do the certain point and move/direct and do the certain point within such an energy possession to do the job right, according to the memory that was imprinted with the experience during being disciplined, seeing and realizing how I have learned this discipline and thus I have become disciplined within being stressed when and as I have to do something as I have seen in the past that it keeps me save when and as I am stressed/anxious doing something and that the stress/anxiety motivates me to do to get the job done. Seeing and realizing that I have been living this stress/anxiety/fear as me all my life as discipline, believing that it is good for me, when in fact it is completely now paralyzing me from doing anything full on and getting it complete that is new as I am now getting to stressed out and have to much anxiety from the accumulation process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Hold on to stress and the Belief I have of stress and the experiences I had with stress within and as the mind where the mind is holding onto this only to protect itself and the energy experiences that has/is being generated through and by the stress character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must use stress to get by in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get and be addicted to stress, within the believe that stress saves my life and that stress is the only thing keeping my body together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can only fix problems and mistakes while being relaxed/

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge it as wring when and as I am relaxed about a problem, seeing and realizing that I have learned that the only way to handle a problem or a mistake is by being stressed about it, also seeing and realizing that if I was taught to laugh at problems and ignore them as a child then that is how I would have handled it now, seeing and realizing that most of my mistakes/problems I experienced was always about me and that I must be tresse4d about it, like not being smart enough in school, like maybe needing special glasses to read or I might fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect negative experience to the word relax, seeing that I have created this negative experience towards relaxing because I have experienced relaxing a something that must end and then I must become stressful again to do work/things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is impossible to relax and to get things done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear relaxing as I see that the fear is actually just me fearing that I won’t have any movement within me when I am relaxed to get things done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when and as I am relaxed while done work that I am doing it slower then what I can do it if I were to be stressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being relaxed and chilled and calm when and as I do something, believing that when and as I am not stressed that I am not really doing it.

Day 378 – Candy Crush Saga - helping me in my process Part 2

Day 377 – Candy Crush helping me in my process Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question what I accept and thus allow daily as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I am currently is all that I can ever be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I am currently is all that I can ever be and thus all I can do is but allow it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply allow everything that I do every day as Normal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so used to who I am through my everyday actions of simply repeating it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that somewhere in my process I am stuck, not moving myself not directing myself and that within this I have come to live and accept that stuckness everyday as normal and that it is all I can be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get used to who I am and thus only live as the limited me I am every day, not pushing myself, not questioning myself, not investigating all of me, but only the few obvious points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Believe that just because I find it convenient to be stuck, to have something as normal, that I must remain within it and not question it not push myself to change and to go where I believe I cannot.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to go where I believe I cannot go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to go where I believe I cannot go simply because I do not find it normal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I am currently, is all that I can be because I have been who I am currently for so long, I have become it, I have literally become unable to even conceive that it is possible to do more, to become more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I am as Stuck and never moving forward is my limit, it is where I must be, and that I simply have to repeat everyday as this being stuck and struggle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is no room within my life to move out of this position of feeling stuck within myself, within my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I have become accustom to this stuckness because it is part of the survival character, where this character will keep and pattern that is relevant to surviving even if it means being stuck. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the survival character wants to create normality in order to let the personality survive, even when this normality is a complete compromise and a pattern of self-destruction, because the mind will find a save spot, a place that is save, where the mind isn’t interrupted and thus can feed off the body, the physical flesh while being stuck, and thus I see and realize that I must move myself within and as breathe out of this pattern, out of being stuck into corrections, points where I feel that what I am doing isn’t part of my “likes’ and rather push through to points of expanding, growing, moving forward, and even if it means asking for help.