Day 551 - Postponement Continued

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as postponement, within the believe that today isn't the right time, that the right time isn't here, and to within this seeing for the right time, wait till tomorrow, or the day after, and to within this keep on postponing in the hope for the right time to show up, the right moment.

Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone doing a blog just because it is already a certain time of the day, to late or to early and to within this tell myself that tomorrow I will do two blogs to make up for this, and when tomorrow comes, the same pattern occurs, the same thought, the same reasons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone doing vlogs, that I have been jurning to do, waiting for the right time, the right atmosphere, the right light, and to within this make my actions, my participation dependent on the environment and hoping that the environment will magically just fit in with my schedule in my mind, instead of actually scheduling and making the right time, creating the environment through communication, through planning to do the vlogs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use justifications/reasons within my life to why I am postponing certain changes, changes within myself, within the believe that I am not ready yet, I cannot do this yet, I am not capable yet, I am not good enough, I am not smart enough, I do not deserve this change, mostly the time isn't right, the moment isn't right, I might as well remain the same for just today, tomorrow I will change, seeing and realizing that within this point of postponement there exist no such thing as the right time, moment or place, it is all about me making decisions and living those decision, either bets for myself and all or not, and If I continue to postpone I will continue to remain the same - and there will never be a right moment/time, I will never be ready or be perfect to change, it must be done in the moment here and walk it, regardless of what the mind has to say, remain breathing in and as the physical and use the physical as the real cross reference

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am going into the mind regarding doing something that is HERE, like doing a blog/vlog, to stop and to breathe, to rather check my reality, ask around if I can do it or set up reality to do it after considering everything, now, check my schedule, and to then base my decision on what is HERE and not within the mind, I create my options, I make my time, I plan things, instead of throwing rocks in the bush thinking something will come out of it.

I commit myself to when and as I see a moment of change, to speak up, to stand, to direct or to intervene, or to be quite, to Stop and breathe, to check myself physically here and what is here, to not go into the mind as the reasons/excuses/justification for why I should or should not and to instead rely on the physical and to direct and move myself as the physical.

Day 536 – Back to the word responsibility

About two weeks ago I revisited the word responsibility, only to realize that what I previously redefined as responsibility was still based on the mind, as a point of morality, where I want to be more than reality – thus taking on tasks and things within my reality that was/is unnecessary.

Let me explain a bit more, there is common responsibilities that I have, things that are immediate within my reality, such as eating and supporting my body with nutrients, this is a responsibility where I have to get food, prepare food and eat the food, I have to spend my time and effort on doing so, and it is immediate and obvious as a point of MY responsibility, no one else is going to feed me for me. Then there is more similar responsibilities, such as cleaning myself, taking care of my “space” where I live in and move within.

Then there is a level or responsibilities that is not about ME, yet it is within my ability to respond, such as when I see dog poo laying on the floor, I can wait for whom ever is “supposed to be responsible to pick it up, as it isn’t my dog, BUT it is within my ability within the moment to respond to what is here, I check within myself within self-honesty, do I have the time right now to do it? Yes I do, or No I do not, then I act on it, because I obviously have the ability to pick up some poo and throw it away, so I respond to it, and another point is, if I go to the toilet and I see we need toilet paper, In that moment I have the ability to respond to fetch more toilet paper, it isn’t about who left it empty, or someone else can do it when they need the toilet, it is points that is not about ME yet my responsibility as it is MY reality/environment, but it is to be self-honest in these moments if one has time and the ability.

For example, if I see someone on the side of the road with a flat tire and I do not have the skills to help a person in such a situation, isn’t then my responsibility to help the person with changing or fixing the entire problem within having a flat tire, BUT it is still within my ability to do something – I can stop and see if the person needs help, if help is coming, I can check if I can be of support to help the person with changing the tyre and in the process learn how to do it, that’s my ABILITY in the moment and thus my response, but IF I do not have TIME to stop and help I must be able to take that into account within self-honesty, but if I have the time or not I MUST assess within real time and not of/as the mind where it is simply a point of justification, as in I do not have the time I want to go home and just be lazy, and take into account the dangers of today, the area, the environment etc. – assess moments within common sense and self-honesty of what is HERE as the physical real time.

These are all easy points, they are responsibilities that show themselves to me – I am self-honest within my ability and thus respond equally, but remember, there is ALWAYS a response ability, if you don’t know how to fly a plane, your responsibility is then to learn how to fly a plane, if that is what YOU want to do or need to do for a certain purpose. It is pointless to jump in the believe that I must be responsible now and just fly this plane; it makes no sense as the ability isn’t here yet, the sensible response it to breathe and be self-honest and start from where you are and walk the process to get to flying a plane.

So I realized that I always have an ability to respond, BUT I must be self-honest within my ability and to respond from that ability and expand my ability more and more and thus increase my response.

BUT, I have now fallen into another dimension of the point of responsibility, I have gotten my two feet on the ground to be honest within my ability to respond to my environment and first of all within myself as who I am, BUT I haven’t considered the point yet of creational responsibility, till now.

Where I start being creative within GIVING myself responsibilities, as I have only lived according to what my environment is giving me, but never me giving myself responsibilities, and this if vital, as it is the point of creation/purpose – where I assess what it is I stand for, which is LIFE, what is it that I want to achieve as LIFE, which is oneness and equality to be realized within all Life and to create a world (heaven on earth) where this equality and oneness is implemented and lived, so NOW within my current abilities, where can I within self-honesty RESPOND and take responsibility for what is here and start giving myself direction and purpose till it is done.

I will in more blogs later on write on how this process in real time is taking grip as I learn to give myself responsibilities and developing myself to take on more and more till I stand as Life as responsible, able to respond to LIFE one and equal, an it is most important to be okay with my current abilities and my response as I trust and know the more I take responsibility and develop my abilities and my responses I will grow, I will expand and thus I trust the process as long as I keep walking and applying and living an BREATH.

Day 529 - fear is an interesting emotion

 

fear is an interesting emotion. It is almost a consistent feeling we anticipate/expect within our realities. For example when a snake comes along people freak out, as if the response was already there in a fear just lashing out and screaming and wanting to harm and kill in Fear of what the person fear can maybe happen. I have observed fear in slow motion, specifically with a snake and me handling a wild snake. The fear isn't my own as I can see it come from a pre response that I integrated from my parents and others when I was young, yet I accepted the fear as my own. You should see how a snake respond to people who has fear. The more fear the more the snake becomes aggressive and actually only then put everyone in danger. Blaming the snake. Meantime our fear creates what we fear and it isn't even our fear. We were taught the fear. If we react about or towards something with fear then we can know that we have been living in fear the whole time. That something is just revealing what we exist as

Day 520 - A state of reaction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that any reaction I have towards someone else is or can be valid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react towards others and what they say or how they say it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when I have a reaction towards someone that I must follow the reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT take self-responsibility for my reactions within me towards others when they either say or do something that I find offensive, believing that I must defend myself and thus react from a starting point of vengeance, getting back at them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things personally that is being discussed or said about me and to within this “taking it personally” as me defining myself through what others say about or towards me and to within this react in fear of what is being said towards or about me being true and/or correct – as the reaction is showing me that I must breathe and be here physically as only the mind as energy wants to defend itself and its self-definition as a personality that relies on others only seeing certain parts of me and not the whole of me that I also belief as the mind that this “whole” of me is true and correct and thus if anything anyone else says about me can or may expose this “whole” of me – the mind, and thus a reaction as a defense mechanism takes place to give way for energy as the mind to take over the physical and to remove all common sense and self-honesty and only to keep the mind in place as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed reactions to be normal within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see reactions as something that is pointing out to me that I must act NOW because this feeling inside of me is telling me to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Belief that the words that is within me when I am within a reaction that I see as reason and logic MUST be spoken or this reaction within me that is holding all this seemingly valid information will be lost and that I will lose if I do not let the reaction out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when I am within a reaction that the words that I want to speak is what the reaction is all about, seeing and realizing that the reaction is actually something deeper, and if I give to myself a moment to breath and let go of the reaction that I can see what is beneath the surface that the reaction is actually coming from, and that if I speak the words that is within/from the reaction then I miss the opportunity to actually see what is here and for me to correct myself and take self-responsibility for my reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things personally and to within this react – seeing and realizing that reactions is showing me where I am still existent within self-interest as a personality that can take things personally and that exist only to defend itself and its own interest at any cost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it personal towards a certain person when I am reacting towards something that they are saying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold it against someone when they say something that I am reacting to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it about the other person when I am reacting towards something that they are saying or doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become nasty and create gossip about/towards someone that has said or done something that I reacted to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a state of anticipating my environment to “make me react, seeing and realizing that this is actually my living in a consistent state of reaction within and towards my environment.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that me living within a consistent subtle movement of energy within me makes me by nature reactive, and thus anything and anyone can at any time activate the reaction that is already existent within me, which comes from me existing within a BUBBLE of my mind that is my space and my personal wants and needs and whenever the environment enters this bubble there is something going to pop within me.

I commit myself, to check myself, to check if I am here breathing, or if I am within a state of energy as self-interest, from the moment I wake up, and to within this align myself to open myself to LIFE and all that is here and all and any possibilities in any given moment, and to be flexible and expand myself to move myself and to give myself the ability to respond to my environment instead of reacting within my environment as a personality attempting to remain within self-interest.

I commit myself to change, change that is actual change where take the stance of BEING able to respond within my reality instead of reacting towards and within my reality to anything or anything or anyone that might just come into my bubble, and to remove my bubble by myself and to stop this forceful way of others bursting my bubble just because I am keeping it there instead of removing it, and to make life a FLOW for myself and my environment.

I commit myself to give myself to LIFE and to let go of personal, to stand as life and to respond in each moment as LIFE would do and not as how I as a mind as a sensitive bubble would do that only causes discord.

I commit myself to burst my own bubble of “personal and to open myself up to life and to receive LIFE in each moment as what is here as life and to respond within my ability accordingly within self-honesty and common sense.

I commit myself to let go of all my own rules and laws and logic within my mind that keeps up my bubble as my personal mind personality and to fucking really be free, to give this freedom to myself where I am able to response within my reality as ME as me being the director and not to be directed by all these mind logic/reasons and thinking of why I must be so limited and protecting myself and preserving myself for something else and to what others are allowed to ask of me or not or say about me or towards me or not, all these petty things that I place onto myself to limit myself and create this secret internal reality that inflates this bubble that surrounds me that keeps LIFE out and the mind in.

Day 469 – Part 3 What have I been doing, Instead of living my true potential?

From my previous Blog - Day 467 – What have I been doing, while trying to reach my true potential?

“Every day when I wake up I have this small reaction, it is sitting in my solar plexus, it is undefined. I just excuse it and ignore it, hoping that later in the day I will not have this small reaction within me, hoping that there will be a good experience soon that will change this reaction and make it a different kind of a reaction, a more positive one. So I wake up and I get ready for the day, I immediately go out and I have some coffee and get to my work station.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I wake up and have this small reaction within me to consider it as okay and nothing to focus on for now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to brush off the small reaction I have within me every morning that I wake up and to justify it as normal through accepting and allowing it and to walk my day in the anticipation for it to go away by itself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t given myself the ten minutes or so in the morning to actually breathe and to release the energy through real time self-forgiveness and livening it to take self-responsibility for the energy and to accept that I am experiencing it and that I have to deal with it and to see what it is that the energy is revealing about myself and my own creation within me and thus without.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear naming the energy, calling the energy out and the game that is being played and to within this play the game of ignorance and bliss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot call out the energy and define it and to deal with it accordingly, and to instead keep it within me for some other time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that through not naming the energy and defining it I am deliberately leaving myself in an unpredicted state within direction, as I will keep falling back to the energy lurking within me, the reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of dealing with the negative (defined) energy within me to instead go out seeking for the positive/opposite energy within my day, seeing and realizing that within this I am literally directing my entire day to seek out a positive energy in everything I do, and thus also limiting what I do in fear of not getting the positive energy that I am seeking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that if I do not take self-responsibility for this negative experience within me, this reaction that the consequences will be that my entire dya will now be focused on feeling better as an energetic experience and thus not on what I must do as in what is practical and best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set the sequence for my day as that of being negative within accepting and allowing myself to ignore and brush off the reaction experience that I have within me after waking up, as the day will now be about me only doing things where I believe I will get a positive reaction from to make me feel positive, and thus also ignoring and brushing off all the other points that requires to be done within the day that I then FEAR will be a negative experience and thus postpone and compromise/sabotage myself and everyone that is linked to me, which in the long run is the entire universe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see it as possible to have a different morning without the reaction within me that I have had with me for the longest time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the morning that there will be no reaction within me when I wake, as the fear is that of what will direct me, give me a purpose of what to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take the direction and the authority for my day and who I am in the morning as myself to walk as my day in the belief that I need energy to direct me.

I see and realize that I do not need energy to divert me or to determine what I can or cannot do, or should and should not do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear real freedom, freedom from any reactions or emotions/feelings/thoughts directing me, as I can see that this freedom comes with self-responsibility and self-honesty.

THUS I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to divert myself from self-responsibility and self-honesty within the free will that I have to choose as choice and to choose, make a choice where I gamble instead of direct.

To be continued.

Day 468 – Part 2 What have I been doing, while trying to reach my true potential?

Continuing from previous Blog - Day 467 - What have I been doing, while trying to reach my true potential?

"From previous Blog: Yet with every breathe I take there is a reaction, the reaction sets off motion’s within me, these motions become emotions, motions of energy, the moment of content is lost and the breathing is shallow and has no flow. The essence of the present as self as the here is now everywhere undirected, following an irrational influence of some energy brought up by a single thought, a single memory bred from the past and brought into the present only to contaminate the moment, the simplicity of living has now been made complicated."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow the slightest reaction/s within me as normal and that I just have to live with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight the reaction/s that come up within me and to within this fighting have an outcome of win or lose, where I end up losing as the fighting only creates more energy and thus more reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see any reaction that comes up within me as separate from me, and thus give away my authority to direct and to within this accept and allow the reaction within me to contaminate my direction.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be at peace with the reaction and to within this work with the reaction as myself to deal with the reaction when the reaction is here/presented in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the reaction that is within me, and to within this have a reaction upon a reaction that simply does not stop.

I forgive myself for that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I have been approaching facing my reaction from the starting point of trying, seeing and realizing that trying is a construct of “I don’t really want to” – and thus within this not actually doing anything but just pretending to look like I am doing something.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my self-honesty from myself and to within this react towards everything I have to do and face in reality, even though the reaction isn’t visible it is slight, like a candle burning in the far distance, as the reaction is showing my self-dishonesty – where I am hiding what I know about myself and to live the opposite of the self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live my self-honesty in each and every moment, and to fear my self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my self-honesty and to question my self-honesty from the starting point of morality and to within this walk honesty instead within morality and to within this create friction within myself and my reality and thus a consistent reaction within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live anything less than my self- honesty in each and every moment, and to within this accepting and allowing the lesser me of my true potential to move and direct my reality and to within this know I am living in self-dishonesty and so create a consistent reaction within me of what I am doing or not doing and what I am supposed to do or not do and yet not trusting my self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust my self-honesty and to live my self-honesty and to apply myself within self-honesty as I know I should yet I do the morality magic trick in the believe that it is the right way of deceiving others through morality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself, to fear who I know I can be in my full/true potential and to hold back because of the morality that I have within me and through what I am judging reality and living within this reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself within believing that morality exist and for me to follow morality within this world through living honestly in others eyes is but me deceiving myself, never being self-honest with myself and what is here and to instead attempt/TRY to find a way around reality through making all my actions that of trying instead of doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone living my full and utmost potential in every breath within self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can do without self-honesty and to hide my self-honesty and to not work with my self-honesty and to instead take the path of trying/attempting to live within the limitations of my own mind set out by my own morality within my own mind. Instead of sticking to reality and what is here taking all into consideration and not just myself.

To be really honest with myself, I can see that when I am honest with myself in each moment that I have a reaction or where I am facing a fear or where I am anxious or where I am finding a limitation within myself or reality, that the real truth that I am hiding from myself through the TRYING character is that in reality I personally do not have a fear or anxiety or stress or a limitation for what is ahead of me, it is what OTHERS will perceive of me that I believe will care so I MAKE myself have this anxiety/reaction/stress within me through the trying character – because if you look at it, the trying character is designed to create energy/friction and thus to have emotional problems, where the doing living being has none of that, and that is the self-honest being, the being that is here – and that is what I self honestly will do/see in those moments – DOING it, breathing and directing reality.

So now I must come back to reality, I have now in self-dishonesty created this character of trying and I have designed many systems around it and I have lived this trying character into all my behaviors and patterns for the sake of others seeing me living, which ends up back to self with the point of self-interest, it is self-interest that cares what others think about self, for the sake of self-survival and comforts and not having to face reality, the reality of things, not the opposite, just reality.

So the trying character is a character whose role is that of self-enslavement,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in such a way in self-interest that I am attempting to serve all other humans interest of what I believe is expected from me to be a good and obedient citizen that remains enslaved and controlled by the mind just like everyone else, and to within this never step out of character, and just like placing a shock collar around a dogs neck for whenever the dog is DOING something he isn’t supposed to do according to the moralities/believes that humans has placed – I have placed a trying character within me to create a consistent reaction within me to SHOCK me whenever I am DOING something that according to MY own morality/beliefs from society is seen as not right to stop me from DOING and to scare me back into just trying and attempting – terrorizing myself with my own mind to stay in my place.
Starting specifics.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that someone with a lot of confidence is seen as arrogant and having a big ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see people with a lot of confidence as being arrogant and having a big ego, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge other people with high confidence as being arrogant and having a big ego and to within this create a point of morality within me of what is accepted and allowed from me within society placed by my own judgment.

To be continued.

Day 467 – What have I been doing, while trying to reach my true potential?

I realized more self investigation is required, more self honesty within this point of doing and stop trying, this is my self honest self investigation.

Take note – this blog is written out as a point of exposing the mind, the thinking and the thoughts/back-chat, it is not written with corrections yet, so the information within here is revealing the deception and the self-interest of the mind and exposing the games that is played and how it’s played. The corrections will come in the self-forgiveness to come on each point mentioned in this blog after paragraph two.

Being okay with myself, here breathing the air around me, taking it into my lungs and to then release the air. It is so simple, it is a few actions in the physical that I require to do in awareness in the present in the here. To then move myself from the HERE as breathe while directing myself within my reality one step at a time. It is so simple, the essence of these few actions are that of content.

Yet with every breathe I take there is a reaction, the reaction sets off motion’s within me, these motions become emotions, motions of energy, the moment of content is lost and the breathing is shallow and has no flow. The essence of the present as self as the here is now everywhere undirected, following an irrational influence of some energy brought up by a single thought, a single memory bred from the past and brought into the present only to contaminate the moment, the simplicity of living has now been made complicated.

Every day when I wake up I have this small reaction, it is sitting in my solar plexus, it is undefined. I just excuse it and ignore it, hoping that later in the day I will not have this small reaction within me, hoping that there will be a good experience soon that will change this reaction and make it a different kind of a reaction, a more positive one. So I wake up and I get ready for the day, I immediately go out and I have some coffee and get to my work station.

I ignore the fact of eating because I am within this reaction, this negative reaction, so my body and mind is completely focused on this small reaction that is undefined within me, and I ignore the physical and what is required for my body to function properly and to be taken care of, so I first attempt to do all the right thing according to my mind as soon as possible in the morning, the right thing is to NOT think about myself, but to care only what others think about me, so I must be at work right on time, I must be seen working and I must seem busy with work, and not with personal things like eating and doing stretches and showering, all those things I can do later after I have set my position in the good light with all the people around me.

Yet even when I do this the reaction is still here within me, it is ready to just become something bigger, so all my attempts in the morning to be the GOOD person and do the right things was for naught, but at least I now know that the bad feeling I had hasn’t become worse, so I must have prevented something, so I must keep doing it this way. Now what can the next few thing be that I must do to prevent this bad feeling from possibly becoming something worse – in terms of how I experience myself because that will determine what I think about myself, and what I think about myself will determine what I can do, and will be willing to do.

So now it has been a couple of hours’ later already, I still haven’t eaten and I have had at least five cups of coffee already, and I have been doing all my work, I have checked my emails, I have checked my schedules and I have started calling people and setting up more work for myself, so now that I have done all that, I know I am in the good light and I have done everything I can to not get reactions from anyone else, which can make the bad feeling already within me even worse and make me feel bad and make me feel like shit and that will effect what I think about myself and thus what I do and how I move myself.

So now that it is almost afternoon I can eat something, maybe a small bowl of cereal, but I don’t really feel hungry because this bad feeling is still on my stomach, but I do need to eat as my body is starving, but I don’t feel like eating as my stomach is still full of emotion/reaction.

I eventually eat and move on, but now I feel like there is something I should be doing more – this bad feeling in my stomach is still here, this bad feeling feels like it is warning me the whole day for something very bad that might happen as if today might be the day I face the truth about myself, as if there is something that I do not know about myself and that if I make someone else react towards me or voice themselves towards me that they might just see something about me, or I might just reveal something about myself that I have never known about, so I better do everything possible to prevent others from going there with me, which works against me because this isn’t me doing everything possible to actually live my day to the fullest to reach my true potential and to live each day as if it’s my last, but only to live each day to the fullest to prevent some mysterious fear come to live, so all my actions isn’t to actually accomplish anything but only to prevent ME from feeling bad/worse about myself.

Day 466 - DO IT, trying sounds like lying.

Continuing from - I am trying so hard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist just doing something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy about doing something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself incapable of just doing it, to get up and to do it full hardheartedly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not being capable of just doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the judgment of myself as not being capable of doing it within me as real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the judgment of myself not being capable of doing it as I am comfortable within not doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be comfortable with myself not doing anything as I have this believe that if I do not do anything then I simply do not have to face myself, not seeing and realizing that the judgment I create/have of myself is me beating myself down anyway.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to be comfortable with myself not doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an already awaiting expectation of myself and the physical for what is to come for me if I do do it, and to within this fear who I will be within that new reality, and only seeing the negative always.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I start doing all the things that I know I must do in every single moment and to never stop but to just move within breathe and to not be determined my energy as the moods and thoughts that I will never sit still and live my life and always just be busy with all the thing that NEEDS to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge me DOING what needs to be done in each and every moment and to not postpone as me not living, not seeing and realizing that it is actually the opposite and that if I do everything that is HERE in the moment that needs to be done that I am actually then in fact living, directing reality and creating, instead of waiting and being lazy and wasting time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do it, just because I have an idea in my head that if I do that then I will not be able to do other things, not even knowing what the other things are, yet just making it up in my head as a mysterious reason for not doing this or that, yet seeing that I do this for this image in my head of seeing myself just doing nothing and just living in self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live every day for the achievement of having to do nothing. And thus doing as little as possible just to have that time to do nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire my live to be a big nothing through working hard every day with the intention in mind soul and resonance of in the end of the day to do nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to work hard and to do all the effort I can do with the actions of wanting to do nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push myself and my limits everyday within the intention of having to do nothing in the end of the day, basically to become zombie.

I forgive myself for that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize this point of desiring to do nothing existing within me at all times and to within this making work and any action I have to do tiring and heavy, and thus no matter how hard I work or push myself everyday ends up with a collapse of doing nothing and being tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live with intent, seeing and realizing that intent does not mean shit if the actions isn’t aligned, and also seeing and realizing I cannot rely on intent as it changes all the time, and thus I must rely on my breathing and DO it in the moment and not to postpone for one second, working with what is here and not with what is within me as that is limited and deceptive and cannot be trusted at all.

Day 241 – Trusting the Intelligent people looking after the human race Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that there are people looking after the human race and the planet we live on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are intelligent people that will say when we must stop what we are doing on earth when they see it is time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue living my life here on earth as being normal within the belief that as long as the intelligent people of this world do not say stop to me or the rest of the world that everything must be okay and I can continue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are people out there checking everything we are doing and that they will say STOP and that we must change when they see it is time and that before that happens I am okay and con continue living my life as if it is normal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that there is no intelligent people sitting somewhere monitoring what we are doing and that will say stop when the time is ready, as we all can see we have already gone too far and nothing is being said about US that has to change, we are all simply accepting and allowing to continue destroying our earth believing we are not because there is no intelligent person saying anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the governments running the countries that run the world knows what they are doing and as long as they are not raising voice or concern we are okay and may continue abusing earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be raise in school and in life by the adults to believe that the authorities always knows best and will always speak up when it is a matter of importance, seeing and realizing that this is not so and that everything is about money so no one will speak up even in the face of our planets extinction that we are causing ourselves because that would mean losing money and power for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that the life I am living in the current world to be normal just because no one intelligent is saying otherwise, seeing and realizing that within this I am abdicating my own common sense and self honesty to someone else to have the power over me and to be subject to their words as if it is always truth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that everything happening on earth such as the oil usage and deforestation and ocean pollution and over fishing is being monitored by intelligent people with power and that only once they say something will it mean that we must stop and change, seeing and realizing that it is not happening and everyone is waiting for this higher intelligence to tell us to change while we can clearly see the abuse without them and to simply continue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that there is no higher intelligent humans looking over us and that we are living in a monstrous system that is swallowing itself whole because there is no one driving this train and no one has ever bothered to check the driving seat and have only thus far trusted that there is someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that we are all on a train ride in this world and that we are all stuck in the idea that someone is driving this train because we know that should be common sense, yet no one bothers to check and simply HOPE that it is so and within this continue the ride as if everything will be okay, seeing and realizing that the train ride must stop somewhere as it started somewhere, but there is no one to put the brakes and we all will simply continue into our own doom of ignorance and blissfulness.

To be continued.

Day 141 – Living Commitments – Day 13 of 21 – commenting faster than breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am commenting to rush the commenting in the fear of missing the reactive response I have in my mind that I wnat to place, not seeing and realizing that the comment is based on a reaction in the first place and thus it is based on self interest as the ego and not within common sense as that which is best for all life, which is done within breathe and consideration of all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to peoples comments and their words of abuse and self interest as the ego, and to within this reaction do the same to be spiteful, not seeing and realizing that the response I make as the comment from the reaction cannot and will not support or assist the other being as myself and only fuel the energy/possession and create more resistance.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when and as I react to others comments and words, that I wasn’t breathing effectively and thus the reaction is an opportunity for me to see and be aware of me being/participating within the mind as energy and that I must stop and take a moment to consider my participation and what the cause/effect is and if it is best for all life or not, and that my comment must be a comment that was/is done in breathe where there is no energy movement, so that the comment I make stand as the physical as common sense and what is best for all life and not as an energy movement that supports the mind consciousness system as that which created/create the world the way it is currently as a battle ground for self interest as Ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in separation of others words/comments and to within that make myself better than them, instead of standing in their shoes and to support and assist them as myself into common sense and that which is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see/take others words as personal and as an attack and to within this react and immediately go into defense mode where I attack back, only to keep things as they are instead of change, as that which is best for all life in all ways as common sense as that which is best for all life in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I take things personal That I am within the mind as my own internal reality as the only place it is possible to take things personal as everything in the mind is always about self, seeing and realizing that when and as I breathe and that I am here in awareness as the physical where everything is here and not in a limited space as the mind, nothing can be taken personal because there is not person, instead LIFE is here.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when and as I react to another words/comments that I am in separation of those words/comments and not here walking my process as all words of all being equally and to breathe and direct all words/comments as myself back to life within common sense and that which is best for all life in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I react to others comments/words that I am giving away my ability to respond responsible and to make my comment/words as effective as possible to support myself and others as myself to a point of common ground within common sense that is best for all life in all ways, but to instead through the reaction only have access to the knowledge and information that is stored within the energy reaction to respond with, that is totally limited and abusive as it only stimulate conflict and egos to defend themselves as energy.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself react to others words/comments to stop and to breathe and to not respond immediately, to first bring myself back to breathe where I am clear of all energy movement and to then only look at the words/comments and to respond (not react) responsible within considering all points and words before use so that my words do not carry energy/ego but life and that which is best for all life to end the abuse on earth.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself react to someone’s words/comments to stop and breathe and to take into consideration that the reaction is only possible if I am not breathing, and to first focus on my breathe and delete all energy.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself react to others comments/words to apply self forgiveness on the words/comments and to stand in their shoes within full understanding so that I can respond equally as that which is best for all life in support of all life in all ways.

Day 112 – I can’t do Better Character.

Oh yes – This character is a real mind fuck. I have lived in this Character for so long within so many things, giving this character all the good justification to why I just can’t do Better, really I just can’t, look at it, I have tried everything, really, I can’t do better, Oh wait I am just making myself belief that and so within ALL my efforts I am literally sabotaging myself to not do better. 

Why would I sabotage myself to not really do better and to rather give into the easy way of not doing better – well there is my answer- to have it easy, to not have to be ABLE to take Responsibility – to develop the ability to respond, so I am within this wanting to only have things easy “reacting the whole time instead of responding.

And so within this reaction I am having the whole time backed up with all these awesome great excuses such as Back-chat conversations in my head and secret mind (thoughts) to why I am reacting and not doing better I am only reacting to what the real reason is that is hidden. 

Example.

I have to build a wooden desk – the task was given to me to build a wooden desk and I accepted it. I started working on the desk and a day or two later I was done. 

The desk looked like shit and the structure is shit and I felt I accomplished something. Then the judgment day arrived where others now will see what I made and obviously they will question what I did and why I did it the way I did it and so forth.

So as I await the judgment I have already BEFOREHAND while I was working on the desk and as I worked on the desk and as I SAW what I can do as making a awesome desk BUT instead I did not do it even as I saw it was possible because I saw that it would have required me to be more patient and do more work, so I ended up doing it the quick and easy way and that was easy. And while I saw and ignored the Better way, as the ability to response to what I see needs to be done and that is practical and best for all, I immediately created reasons and Justifications and excused in my mind within secret conversations within myself that I KNEW I was going to use when others see what I saw and that they will not hesitate to question my actions, and I will have all the ammunition ready (excuses/reasons/justifications) to why I did it the way I did it while I clearly know it is a fucking LIE. 

So I have done this hundreds of times and I have seen my ass many times and I always ended up with a bag that I carry around with me that is invisible filled with self HATRED and self diminishing characteristics as I always only sabotaged myself and compromised others.

And The best part is – a few years later which is last year and this year – I have made a decision within myself to do things properly and to not sabotage myself and to not compromise the group/environment within how I am using my ability to respond responsibly, and I have learned a couple of things.

The first thing I learned was when I made another few desks is that it is actually much easier to make but more time and to learn much more skills and how to use them to built a much better stronger bigger desk that last long and is stable and then having all these skills to apply everywhere else.

The second thing I told myself was – WHY THE FUCK DID I LIMIT MYSELF, the third thing was – How did I accept and allow such useless Limitations of myself and how the fuck did I convince myself they were so real that I myself believed I could not get past it and that my reasons and justifications were made to be so big I thoughts they were actual mountains and cannot be moved, here I am moving mountains everyday because it isn’t mountains once I stopped the Back-Chat and all the 

excuses/reasons/justifications and my Life actually is so much easier and I have less headaches and I am less tired, and I now know that all the other points in my life where I go “I cannot do better” was and is created by myself because of all the times I fucked around and made it so real as myself as a Character that I believed is me and that it is just who I am built out of thoughts/feelings/emotions and obviously from memories/past experiences.

And this was/is but only one point in relation to building desks.

There are much more, such as me reading, writing, speaking, making art, working on the internet, making money, doing jobs, making videos, studying, etc.

Next up – Self Forgiveness
stay tuned.

Day 94 – The Fearful Character sits and waits P4

I commit myself to when and as I see a situation.scenario play out in front of me and/or somewhere else in the world, to take action in the moment to move and direct myself and to not give in to the thoughts of what I could be doing instead of take responsibility for the world and myself such as me instead watching TV or going out to the movies, or partying with friends or playing a PC game, and to not fall for my OWN trap within my back chat that of “ I do not need to do this, there are other people taking care of earth and me” or “I don't have to do anything, it is my choice” and to realize that this is the mind attempting to keep me enslaved and to not stand up, and to keep the fear/anxiety alive, just so that the mind can feel it is save and in control and okay, while the physical reality is clearly showing me that there is problems and needs attendance instantly and thus realizing that any form of postponement will only accumulate the problems/consequences that I will face equally with all life here on earth, and thus my fear/anxiety will in the end not at all be of any excuse in the face of life as I will be AWARE of every-time I deliberately made the decisions to rather go watch movies or party or TV and to not take self responsibility using fear/anxiety as an excuse and that I do not know how to do anything any ways – and thus realizing that I could/can use all the time I spend doing something else instead of taking responsibility to find out HOW in FACT I can change the world through starting with myself and investigating how the world and everything works so that I can change it as myself. 

I commit myself to when and as I see/find myself participating within back-chat of “ this is to much” I can not do this – to stop and realize that I am only talking to myself that way because of thoughts that I have of what else I could still be doing – such as seeing myself having a fun time laughing instead” or “playing video games all day long and not having a care in the world” – and to realize that it is in fact not to much, it is only through the mind participating in thoughts that is not HERE in the present moment and within back-chat that is internal Conversations CONning me with temptation and cunning words of deceptive reason and Justifications that is purely based on an energy feeling/emotion experience of the mind all based on SELF interest and NOT what is best for all LIFE and thus it is not real but an illusion that I desire to rather have, to not have to face the physical reality that is here in the present as the future I decide I create that includes all life all ways– realizing that the thoughts/feelings/emotions and back chat is but all pre-programmed in me of the past as experiences/memories and thus it is not real but the past, it is over, and if I want to relive the past over and over through not taking self responsibility for the future to come I will face great consequences that I created for myself, it is like driving for a cliff and you can see it but you enjoy driving fast to much to slow down And stop. Its all an energetic drive/experience and not what is real as LIFE as that which is currently being destroyed/mutilated/neglected/fucked up for consumerism and making money and thus I realize that it is this act of not taking self responsibility for myself but rather stay in fear/anxiety that all humans do with their own justifications and reasons that fucking up LIFE and thus I have to start with myself as I realize everyone has to start with themselves if we want to see any change before it is to late.

Day 91 – The fearful character sits and waits. P 1

I have this interesting pattern that I have accepted and allowed to exist within my world, and interestingly enough I have made this pattern justifiable, as if it makes common sense, yet it does not.

The pattern is  that when ever I experience fear or anxiety within me I tell myself, OK I am experiencing fear and thus I must not do this/that.

This came from previous past experiences where I would for instance have to do new things, like performing in a concert, as I perform in the concert I experience fear/anxiety, and so I feel that I fucked up, yes I dd make mistakes but I did not really fuck up as I made it sound in my head.

So I have connect this Idea/opinion/belief that when ever I experience fear towards something/doing something I must not/I can not take part because I have fear and the fear will only compromise and create fuck ups and me making mistakes, thus I can not be trusted because there is fear. 

So Now in my reality I have created this character as an illusion that when I see something needs to be said/done and I experience fear/anxiety I say to myself, ok I cant do anything I am in fear/anxiety and then I just sit there and wait till someone else do something because I am fearful/anxious and so if I had to help I would probably make it worse, I would only fuck things up.

And now today a situation came up where one of the dogs was experiencing some pain and weird behavior, I saw this happening and I just sat there, I did not move, I saw other people trying to help and do stuff But I could see even they needed help and support. And I just sat there.

I looked at the dog in pain and I saw within myself what I must do, but I experienced fear/anxiety – I had a thought coming up where I saw myself helping the dog and then only making it worse, either making the dog angry and I get bitten or I actually hurt the dog by accident trying to help – then the little character’s voice came in play in my mind talking and saying things, You are fearful, I am fearful and all my fears might come true if I help, it is best if I do not help because I have fear and my fear can come true. 

Then I realized this point I am writing about now, I stood up and I fucking moved myself, I was experiencing fear and anxiety still, but I did not allow it to direct me, I stood up in the fear and I walked through the fear through practically applying myself. 

The character that played out was pretty clear, the character used the point of not having knowledge and information on how to help a dog in the moment of need to submit me into - fear of helping, this is how this character plays its roles in all scenarios, using my own weakness against me to keep me weak, to not change, as I know myself and that I do not have a lot of knowledge and information on stuff in this world and as I accept and allow it as a weakness the character will continue to use it to get me to stay the same.

The Character is obviously me and I created the character for myself to protect my own self interest, staying save and not being the responsible one, not being the one fucking up, not being the one to blame, not being the one that made things worse, so I basically deliberately kept myself stupid all my life with all the opportunities in my world to read a book, to learn and to get informed, just so that I can always say, I did not know what to do so I did nothing.

and behind that there is a secret agenda, this is simply to protect self and self's own interests, and so we are all doing this daily and nothing is changing and just getting worse, because we fear making things worse that will have an influence on our own self interest - thus it is to realize we must move and direct ourselves to do what will benefit all self interest at the same time - and everyone's basic self interest is basic living needs, it is really simple so do not fear to take that step that will make you face fear, that will make you not wanting to do anything and just move and breathe. this is the equal money system as best for all life all self interest at the same time.

YET I am smart enough to see the problem and thus I am already equally responsible as everyone else on earth, because everyone can see the problems on earth, we all decide to not take responsibility for the points through educating ourselfs on all points so we can change it, but to choose to remain ignorant so that we can experience fear and use that as why we did not do anything. 

I am now faced with this character as me, as what I have created and accepted and allowed and I know it exist and why and how so I am not innocent and so no one else is innocent because as me everyone knows what they are doing. 

The problems are in our faces, just like with the dog situation, the dog was right in-front of me in pain and I sat and did nothing just because I experienced fear, and when I investigated the fear I realized I created it myself for a purpose – to not have to take responsibility because that will mean I admit I am responsible.

And I am responsible "even If I do not want to admit it", I am always responsible. And so are we ALL.

thus keeping ourselves in fear and paralyzed isn't going to help anyone or anything, it only makes it worse.  

To Be Continued..