Day 397 – Male Ego/fear relationship Commitments.

These commitments are from Day 394 Male ego and the fear relationship part 2 part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself only when there is energy moving me.

When and as I see myself looking/waiting for energy to come up within me for me to move myself – I stop and I breathe – I take a moment to see what is here practically to do, or what I can do within the time that is here and to direct myself/Move myself, seeing and realizing that waiting for a positive/negative experience to move me is impractical and can take forever and thus I might never move myself within walking/moving/directing myself as energy, thus I commit myself to when and as I see that I am waiting for energy to move me to stop and to breathe and to move/direct myself within common sense and practicality within the principals of what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Believe that energy as the Ego which is from the mind as thought/feeling/emotion is required for me to move myself.

When and as I see that I am waiting for a thought/feeling/emotion to give me direction to move myself – I stop and I breathe – seeing and realizing that thought/emotion/feeling is already a reaction/energy as the ego moving/directing me – thus I commit myself to when I see myself waiting for a thought/feeling/emotion to move me to breathe and to focus on what is here as seeing direct what I can do within the moment and what is here as self-movement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only move once I experience some form of energy as the ego which is at its foundation a fear energy/negative.

When and as I see that I am moving myself from the starting point of fear – I stop and I breathe – seeing and realizing that moving as fear does not mean what I am doing is wrong or I should stop moving but that I must change my starting point where my movement is within moving myself within the principle as that which is best for all life as fear is completely useless, thus I commit myself to when and as I see that I am moving within fear to breathe and to change my starting point to what’s best for all life as a walking principle

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require fear to move, and that I must first experience this fear to be motivated to move, and then out of fear create an Ego which is a cycle of patterns that will always ensure fear to exist within my life so that I can always be motivated to move.

When and as I see that I am accessing the belief construct that I require fear to move and that I must experience fear to be motivated to move – I stop and I breathe – seeing and realizing that I am accessing a pattern of sabotaging myself within self-movement, thus I commit myself to de-construct this self-created belief of fear enslavement within moving myself through writing and self-forgiveness within the principle of what’s best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as and participate within a polarity construct where I create the negative to achieve the positive and to always go back to the negative to motivate myself again.

When and as I see myself participating within a polarity construct where I create a negative experience just to seek the positive experience as a point of moving myself – I stop and I breathe – seeing and realizing that I am enslaving myself to always time loop and to not really move forward but only swing from one side to the other, thus I commit myself to investigate this polarity construct that I use to move myself within fear through writing and self-forgiveness within the principle of what’s best for all life.

Day 396 – Male Ego and the Fear Relationship Part 3.1

Day 393 - Male Ego and the Fear Relationship Part 1
Day 394 - Male Ego and the Fear Relationship Part 2
Day 395 - Male Ego and the Fear Relationship Part 3

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Make/create monuments out of moments within my head and to prey off the energetic experience of that to feel good about myself as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Define myself as who I am as the energetic experiences that make me feel good only, and to within this ignore and hide the bad experiences which is the originating place/source for wanting the good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Create a belief about myself that I must be a bad person and not good enough a person, and thus I must prove myself to others within doing things that are impressive or seemingly big, so that I can feel big and impressive about myself, seeing and realizing that if I am looking for a feeling of being big and impressive then it will only last a while as it isn’t real and based on actual self-definitions of who I decide I am in each and every breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as small and weak within my head and thus seek to be the opposite without through my actions and what I am doing, so that I may change how I am experiencing myself inside to feel big and impressive, seeing and realizing that within such a mental relationship with myself I will always go in circles as I have to decide who I am within words and to then live those words as me, as living words one and equal as that which is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my life about proving myself to others, yet through all the attempts of proving myself to others I have never been satisfied or passed the test within my head, as I see and realize that the test in my head simply changes all the time to make it more and more, the proof must be more next time because this time, this proof wasn’t good enough for them, to changestheir minds, yet seeing and realizing that I am never changing my mind, or stopping my mind, stopping the gossip and the back chat within my mind about me and about life, and to actually live something real for once that I need to prove only to myself within the principle of what is best for all life in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see or even admit to myself that I feel shit and useless about myself and instead I attempt to always hide it within impressing an Image of who I want to be onto others through seeking out opportunities/moments to do something out of the ordinary and to then creating monuments for myself in my head that I have to always check up on and keep in good shape and good condition through doing the same thing over and over or else it will fall and break and then the Image will be lost and I fear that if the image is lost I will be seen as nothing and thus be useless and have no purpose. – which is really just me fearing that my own belief/definition of myself will be validated/confirmed and has actually nothing to do with other people (interesting, it’s like we fear being right about ourselves hahahaha)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being right about myself, meaning fear of being right about that which I fear about myself or that I am perceiving others are thinking about me, which is just me thinking it about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that what I think about myself and who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and to define myself can/will be proven right and that it is so simply by getting feedback from someone else in a moment of ‘no notice’, and thus I will always try and change the Minds of others to change any given feedback to be that which I desire through making monuments out of moments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on the positive/negative energy feedback of what others have to say about me to determine if I will be positive or negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move and direct myself according to the feedback others give to me about me or on me or towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decide anything and everything I do based on the feedback I get from others as feelings/emotions/experience within me about myself that is not related to actual facts but instead fiction as the imagination as the mind, seeing and realizing that when I rely on this that I will always only change the mind and never in fact change who I am, as who I am relies on physical feedback that is real and measurable in the physical which I can use to correct myself in fact and not to simply change my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not getting feedback from others to determine who I must be as a personality to feel “alive” and like I have purpose and to within that only move myself/direct myself when someone else is offering me positive feedback and to crawl away when it is a negative feedback.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear real physical feedback from others as I fear having to face me as who I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as within the mind as fear as a polarity construct that has two simple buttons to push and to give commands with, where I am subject to reactions as fear and reward to move


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having any purpose, and within this seek out purpose in doing meaningless things in moments that seem big and impressive just to be noticed and to be “kept in mind” by others to feel like I have purpose, seeing and realizing that within this I am accepting and allowing myself to be subject to others and in fear of what others are thinking and wanting/expecting the entire time, and to somehow connect that directly to myself personally and what I do and how I act and so forth, seeing and realizing that this is Not how I want to live my life and to be a puppet of my own fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be subject to others and to be influenced by what others have to say or may think about me, and to within this create a fear within myself because I know I am accepting and allowing myself to subject to what others are thinking about me or have influence over me, seeing and realizing that when and as I walk as Principle and not as personal, this fear cannot exist as the principles that are what is best for all life in all ways and living this principle as me in fact (does not require personal concerns or issues or all the bullshit that comes with the fucking ego) as Life as the principle’s life is a living of breathe by breath within physical reality and not the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear PERSONAL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the word personal and that it is BAD.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear that someone else will see me take something personal and thus it means I still exist as the mind and not as Life. Seeing and realizing that this is a fucking process and I will face the revenge of the ego as what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as,. YET the point is to always make it a Point to walk as principle as that which is best for all life and when and as a personal point comes up to breathe and to self-forgive as that is what is best for all life as the walking breathing principle

Day 395 - Male Ego and the fear relationship Part 3

Day 393 - Male Ego and the fear relationship Part 1

Male Ego and the fear relationship Part 1

Day 394 - Male Ego and the fear relationship Part 2

What is a Monument – a monument is something you built in honour/respect/glory for someone else for what they have achieved.

Dictionary definition: “A statue, building, or other structure erected to commemorate a famous or notable person or event.

What does “commemorate mean, Dictionary Definition: Recall and show respect for (someone or something) in a ceremony.

So how do I then Create Monuments out of Moments?

Let’s use a moment for instance - I am at the river, we need to get to the other side, everyone takes the bridge, I decide to jump over – so I run and I jump and I make it over, it was done form the starting point of EGO – I did it within disbelief of myself, I did it within fear of not making it, yet doing it, I did it just not to be “regular” – I did it to attempt to show and proof that I am better, I can achieve something everyone else that is there with me can’t do it, and the ego/mind gets such a nice kick out of it that the entire time that event will be what sticks with me, I feel good about myself, I feel like I have achieved glory, I deserve respect, I must be honored, and in that moment I would even not mind to have an actual monument made for me to show it off to everyone else that comes there (the river place)

for instance in history we will only recall the ‘great moments’ and the ‘heroes’ and we forget all about the hardship and sickness people went through. So here it is the same with you and the river, after the event takes place – all you remember is the positive side of the story as you being great, you don’t even remember the fear/negativity that was behind it, and so you change history/how things happened to just ‘you being great’ and forget about the part where you feel less than everyone else as the reason/motivation why you jumped in the first place)

This type of moments happens a lot, on a regular basis with small things that seems like it does not matter even, it even goes as far where I would do it just for myself and I would become my own crowd, cheering me on and so forth. By small I mean, I would play with a bottle and then flip it in the air and catch it perfectly again, then I would glorify myself just for that, but while doing it, the physical action, there is anxiety that it might go wrong any time, and then before I even did it I had fear that I am incapable of doing something such as that, even so small.

Ok so there is a few examples giving perspective – so now down to what are the initial points to look at within this, first of all, taking the point back to self, where I believe it is to prove something to someone else, it is actually to proof to myself. Because I have created a disbelief within myself. And through all those moments that I create monuments out of, I am enforcing the disbelief within myself no matter how much I do it and perfect it; it is the starting point of why I do it that is what matters.

The starting point as the ego/Mind is fear – here the fear is ‘fear not being able to’ and thus disbelief within myself. Which comes from ANYTHING within this world such as school/education/parents/friends/TV/Media MOVIES and so many other things that we accept and allow to influence us, we are always under an influence, that’s why flu exist, to get some of that (In Flu wins) Out – because we let the influence WIN, No integrity to stand within and as breath and decide for ourselves who we are, because we were never taught that we can make those decisions and that they must be what is best for all life – if who we are isn’t what is best for all life, which is also standing one and equal as life, then then we can only exist as a ego, because its self interest, not best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Make/create monuments out of moments within my head and to prey off the energetic experience of that to feel good about myself as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Create a belief about myself that I must be a bad person and not good enough a person, and thus I must prove myself to others within doing things that are impressive or seemingly big, so that I can feel big and impressive about myself, seeing and realizing that if I am looking for a feeling of being big and impressive then it will only last a while as it isn’t real and based on actual self-definitions of who I decide I am in each and every breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see or even admit to myself that I feel shit and useless about myself and instead I attempt to always hide it within impressing an Image of who I want to be onto others through seeking out opportunities/moments to do something out of the ordinary and to then creating monuments for myself in my head that I have to always check up on and keep in good shape and good condition through doing the same thing over and over or else it will fall and break and then the Image will be lost and I fear that if the image is lost I will be seen as nothing and thus be useless and have no purpose. – which is really just me fearing that my own belief/definition of myself will be validated/confirmed and has actually nothing to do with other people (interesting, it’s like we fear being right about ourselves hahahaha)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having any purpose, and within this seek out purpose in doing meaningless things in moments that seem big and impressive just to be noticed and to be “kept in mind” by others to feel like I have purpose, seeing and realizing that within this I am accepting and allowing myself to be subject to others and in fear of what others are thinking and wanting/expecting the entire time, and to somehow connect that directly to myself personally and what I do and how I act and so forth, seeing and realizing that this is Not how I want to live my life and to be a puppet of my own fears.


To be Continued.

Male Ego and the fear relationship SF - Part 2

Continuing from Day 393 - Male Ego and the Fear relationship Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself only when there is energy moving me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Believe that energy as the Ego which is from the mind as thought/feeling/emotion is required for me to move myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only move once I experience some form of energy as the ego which is at its foundation a fear energy/negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move as the ego as fear where fear is being the motivator for me moving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require fear to move, and that I must first experience this fear to be motivated to move, and then out of fear create an Ego which is a cycle of patterns that will always ensure fear to exist within my life so that I can always be motivated to move.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as and participate within a polarity construct where I create the negative to achieve the positive and to always go back to the negative to motivate myself again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make this polarity construct a “norm” within my life, where I believe it is the only way I can move myself, and to within this always experience myself as fear as negativity, to then as the ego create positivity from using the negativity as a motivator to move.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create fear within me as a constant experience as myself as a way to keep myself fueled and ready to act/move.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build trust within fear as my motivator because of the perception that I have that it has always worked, because I am still here and breathing so fear must have helped me, seeing and realizing that when I look back, all that has ever happened was is that I kept myself in one place, I built a prison for myself to never truly live and to be life and to grow and move forwards, as the fear functions in a way where I have to fall back all the time to be able to re-create the fear to use it again as a motivator, no matter how many times I overcome it or walk through it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that Fear within itself is Nothing, it is a energy/experience and not an actal movement, and that the movement comes from me only, seeing and realizing that if I experience Fear and then move myself or don’t move myself, that it isnt the fear doing it, it is in fact the physical movements/actions, and that when fear is removed, then the actions can still remain, and then the actions isnt reactions which is a compromise, I can actually consider the next move or be clear within my movements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see that fear is passive energy, and that it requires the physical to move, which means fear is really useless and only makes me feel shit the whole time, experience myself shit the whole time, which then leads to me physically moving myself either way into positive or negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make fear this big power within me and giving it this extraordinary power within my imagination, seeing and realizing that in reality fear has and is nothing unless the physical moves and follow on the fear, and even if the fear isn’t there, the physical can still move the same, and thus fear is only a Prison of self within the mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that when I use fear as the ego to move me to be my motivator, that I am conditioning myself within a vicious cycle of self-abuse, where I beat myself up within always scaring myself and literally bringing myself down within myself just so that I can get to a point of being motivated again and do it all over again and so the cycle continues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to the experience of fear and how I use that fear to motivate me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and have defined myself as being “unable” to move myself without fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot exist without the ego, as I have defined everything about me as the ego as fear in every way of my being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear living without the ego/fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deem myself as unable to live without fear/ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I have no fear that I will not know how or when to move myself – seeing and realizing that I have always only moved myself within self-interest as the fear only existed for and as my self-interest and thus once I stop the fear, I will lose self-interest within fear and thus I can start moving myself within what is best for all life as myself and that requires common sense and not fear to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself fear not being able to move myself from a starting point of self-direction in alignment to what is Best for All and within that fear of ‘not being able to’, allow myself to only move myself within and from fear – not seeing and realizing that within doing so I am already failing myself and thus really have nothing to lose and should just go ahead and take that step of letting go of the fear and unconditionally walk the process of aligning my self-movement and self-direction to that which is Best for All as I see, realize and understand that I have nothing to lose but only to gain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that If I do not fear everything in my life that I will not be able to control my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I ever had any control of my life when fear – the ego - has always been in control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have been controlling my life with fear, not seeing and realizing that fear has been controlling EVERYTHING within my life and that I have always only been the puppet doing what the fears tell me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to do what my fear/ego tells me to do or I will face my fears coming true, not seeing and realizing that when I follow what my fear shows me or tells me that I am actually slowly creating and making my fears real, when all they ever did was exist within my mind and now I am actually playing out scenarios following the fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot exist without fear and that I will always have an energy experience within me, not seeing it possible to end EGO/fear and to live as the physical breathing one and equal moving self within self-honesty and common sense – seeing and realizing that this is yet again the ego creating a fearful cycle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not se that in the past there was moments/times that I did not have any fear and that this is proof to me that I can axist without fear and that fear isn’t necessary, seeing and realizing that fear is something that was taught to me and shown to me within how the world as a whole exists and within how I was raised and taight by those that has gone before me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself to fear, and to ignore the proof of the past that I do not need to be conditioned within fear as I have as a child lived without fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I am Fueling myself up with fear/ego as energy, that that fuel must come from somewhere – and just like how we are fucking up the earth body we live on through seeking out oil and all energy sources, so am I doing the same with my body, using real natural resources to create temporary fuel just to survive – live as fear.

Male Ego and the fear relationship Part 1

Ego - (E) is for Energy - so its Energy on the GO, the ego requires energy to move, to go and this is acquired through creating the fear points and using it, a vicious cycle that becomes “normal”, gathered in quick fill-ups, and Fear is like the perfect way to stay fueled, because fear as the foundation of ego is also what motivates the ego to go and search for E (Energy).

So here is what I see - when I have fear within me all day, I am fueled and thus the Ego can use this fear (energy) to do the things that is required to make the Ego blow up like a balloon, it inflates moments, making moments monuments.

The question then is, why does males (me) make it a must have, the ego, why do I believe I require the ego, that I need to have the ego – it comes from lack of self-respect, self- honor, and self – integrity living as the physical as life, where instead  the mind is validated above all – and thus false Images, where we attempt to become the Image and Likeness of the false images of the mind instead of equalizing ourselves with the image and likeness that is real as the physical – which is yet to be understood through the process of stopping the mind.

One example.

I have a fear that I am weak, that I am not strong like other’ guys, and this fear motivates my ego/mind to do things that are small and make it seem like a big thing, like - I am asked to fill up bottles of water, there are six bottles of water that needs to be filled, each bottle is twenty liters (20kg), that is quite heavy to carry, in my mind I fear that I will struggle carrying these bottles and the fear comes from a point of comparison, where I Imagine in my head that other guys will be able to do this easily. So there I am creating fear to motivate me to do this task, the motivation is to also do this and to do it better, just to prove my imagination wrong.

So now when I go and fill up the bottles of water, I will fill up TWO bottles of water and I will carry two bottles of water together, and thus I will make something Big out of the situation - I initially had the fear of not being able to carry even one, and that I will not be able to do it when someone else in my imagination can do it.

PLUS - I had the fear that I would not be able to do the task that was asked of me, and fear that the person that asked me to do it will see me as weak and not have any use to do anything.

So now the ego has enough Energy to motivate me to GO, to move, but I am moving as energy which I am then conditioning myself to, to always require energy to move within this certain task, and my mind will always create the FEAR to have the energy, and everything in relation to doing this task becomes a fear.

This is a weekly task, and weekly I have fear, I have now find that my first point of Fear that i have created to motivate me to do it and to Prove my imagination wrong where I fear being less than someone else, through doing it and doing it 'better'. And this first point of fear is fear of forgetting, fear of not filling the bottles in time, and now I will remember to fill the bottles out of fear.

because the male ego can not take a hit as "being labelled as forgetful" so now everything becomes about keeping this energy UP, keeping the image and likeness up that the energy is creating, meanwhile, I simply have to move as the physical breathe by breathe, and who knows what possibilities lies within that, NO fear, but what will motivate me then?

And this way the Ego is really charged up to Proof all this self-created fears wrong - which originated from within the imagination, where the imagination creates inflated ideas/beliefs/opinions about the task and my relationship with myself within the task- which comes from self - definitions and believes that I have accepted and allowed to exist as me that came from outside influences, instead of me defining me through the fact that I am life equally as everything else, and thus the ego is a separation from that, not really separate but an illusion that it is, which separates me within everything I do and thus creates Fear all the time.

Day 391 – Stress Character Part 2 commitments.

Day 391 – Stress Character Part1

I commit myself to practice daily my breathing and to feel my entire body within breathing to see where I am tense and stressed and to within breathing relax my body, to let go of the tenseness and to see what is the thoughts, the back chat the reason behind the specific parts of my body that tense up and to stop participating within such unnecessary patterns.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am tensed within my body to breathe and to move my body till it is out, to stretch and to support and assist myself to move in the physical and not in and as the mind as energy.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am stressed to investigate in that moment why I am stressed within what is going on in my mind in my back chat and my thoughts that are creating and generating the stress, and to be self-honest with myself about the point so that I can see what I am doing and within understanding stop and breathe and move on.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am stressed and moving myself according to being stressed to stop myself in my tracks and to slow physically down and breathe till I am moving as my breathe and to then continue moving as I did before if it is really necessary but not from the starting point of stress but from practicality.

I commit myself to when and as I am experiencing anxiety/fear and stress to not accept and allow myself to exist as it or for it to move/go into the rest of my day or the next moment and to stop and to breathe and to say’ till here and no further” as I walk as breathe.

I commit myself to stop stressing out about everything or anything just because I believe I have to.

I commit myself to face myself as the stress/anxiety that I have created as me and that I have accepted and allowed to exist as me for all these years, and to not do so anymore as I can see it is useless and bullshit.

I commit myself to practice patience and moving as breathe, as that is what is best for me and supportive for me and assisting for me, and when and as I support and assist myself within living as the physical, as the one reality that we all share, I am doing what’s best for all, as I move out from my mind out of self-interest and thus can start to see reality and what we as humanity have accepted and allowed as w hole as one body to create on our one planet for all life and to really get down to fixing it, creating solutions and presenting it to everyone.

Day 390 – Stress Character Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress just by hearing the word relax.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear relaxing and breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when and as I relax and breathe and there is nothing internally such as anxiety/fear rushing me that I will not get tasks done or get anywhere and get into trouble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that the stressed out character is a character that I have created within my childhood years as a protection mechanism, where I have learned that when and as I get yelled at or shouted at for not doing something, or getting someone done wrong and then when I go back and do it again while being anxious/fearful that the other person is feeling good, feeling that I am now learning my lesson, and that I have learned that if I do everything within such a behavior of being “stressed” fearful/anxious that the other people will believe I am busy and doing my best and thus leave me alone and that there is no need for yelling or getting me into trouble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see that I have integrated this character as me completely as my physical through participating within the mind over many years as fear/anxiety and using the stressed character to manipulate others into believing that I am doing my best, I am trying me best, I am busy, I am not slacking, I am taking stress and therefore I am a good person. So no need to discipline Gian.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define discipline as shouting and screaming and being mean to someone else, to create fear/anxiety/stress within that person in relation to the certain point so that next time the person will activate the fear/anxiety/stress before they even work/do the certain point and move/direct and do the certain point within such an energy possession to do the job right, according to the memory that was imprinted with the experience during being disciplined, seeing and realizing how I have learned this discipline and thus I have become disciplined within being stressed when and as I have to do something as I have seen in the past that it keeps me save when and as I am stressed/anxious doing something and that the stress/anxiety motivates me to do to get the job done. Seeing and realizing that I have been living this stress/anxiety/fear as me all my life as discipline, believing that it is good for me, when in fact it is completely now paralyzing me from doing anything full on and getting it complete that is new as I am now getting to stressed out and have to much anxiety from the accumulation process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Hold on to stress and the Belief I have of stress and the experiences I had with stress within and as the mind where the mind is holding onto this only to protect itself and the energy experiences that has/is being generated through and by the stress character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must use stress to get by in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get and be addicted to stress, within the believe that stress saves my life and that stress is the only thing keeping my body together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can only fix problems and mistakes while being relaxed/

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge it as wring when and as I am relaxed about a problem, seeing and realizing that I have learned that the only way to handle a problem or a mistake is by being stressed about it, also seeing and realizing that if I was taught to laugh at problems and ignore them as a child then that is how I would have handled it now, seeing and realizing that most of my mistakes/problems I experienced was always about me and that I must be tresse4d about it, like not being smart enough in school, like maybe needing special glasses to read or I might fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect negative experience to the word relax, seeing that I have created this negative experience towards relaxing because I have experienced relaxing a something that must end and then I must become stressful again to do work/things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is impossible to relax and to get things done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear relaxing as I see that the fear is actually just me fearing that I won’t have any movement within me when I am relaxed to get things done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when and as I am relaxed while done work that I am doing it slower then what I can do it if I were to be stressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being relaxed and chilled and calm when and as I do something, believing that when and as I am not stressed that I am not really doing it.

Dag 384 - Donker gedagtes Deel 1

Is almal mal? almal praat met hulle self in hulle eie koppe. Dit is eenvoudig, ons verklaar mense as mal as hulle die dinge wat hulle in hulle kop het as gedagtes en stemme hard uit spreek, die verskil is, meeste mense hou dit in en in geheim, maar nogsteed het almal dit, doen dit!

Ek weet nie wat almal om my dink nie, ek weet nie wat mense van praat nie met hulle self in hul eie kop van my of ander nie, ek meen ons moet nou kyk na die koerant berigte/stories van wat mense orals in die wêreld aanvang. 

Want dit gee vir ons a teken van wat binne in mense se koppe aangaan. As ons byvoorbeeld kyk na die dinge soos moor, en verkragting en hoe dit gebeur, die manier wat die dinge gebeur is waar ons kan sien wat aangaan in mense se koppe. 

Dit is skrikwekkend, meeste van die dinge gebeur binne families, dit gebeur deer mense wat ons ken, en al doen dit nie, die mense wat dit doen lyk nie soos monsters wat ons op TV en in films sien nie, dit is gewone mense wat soos ek en jy lyk, want dit is gewone mense wat dit doen, ons almal word in die selfde samelewing, so ons almal kry die selfde invloede, behalwe nou natuurlik as jou omgewing anders is, maar ek praat nou van die dinge wat almal tog die selfde het op n gemeenskaplike vlak soos flieks, rekenaar speletjies, TV en al die invloede, ek meen biljoene mense het toegang tot die Internet, en op die internet is ALLES wat n mens kan aan dink beskikbaar. 

Porno is een van die grootse invloed middels wat daar is vandag, dit was altyd n invloed, maar in vandag se tyd met die internet hoef mense nie meer winkel toe te gaan nie en dan n tydskrif te koop nie, waar daar toesig is as jy iets soos porno koop, die man aan die ander kant van die toonbank. Nou hoef mens net n spel fout te mak as jy op “google” iets intik en dan sien jy Porno. 

Nou het ons miljoene kinders met rekenaars en selfone en hulle almal het internet en hulle almal het baie goeie grafiese beskrywinge van alles en enige iets, en moet nie die volwassenes hier uit hou nie.

En al die dinge wat mens byvoorbeeld in porno sien en leer en inneem in mens se gedagtes in, word deel van ons, dit word deel van ons gedagtes, dit word nou deel van ons daaglikse lewe, dit is nie net meer op die rekenaar of die skerm nie, dit is nou soos n projector wat in ons kop speel, en prentjies vir ons wys en gedagtes skep in ons kop. 

Die selfde tel nou vir al die ander dinge ook, soos TV en rekenaar speletjies, dit het n definitiewe invloed op almal al die tyd, en hoe meer n mens slawe raak aan die dinge hoe meer sal mens begin op die dinge reageer en dit wil self toepas, nes n slaaf, doen dinge want iemand anders se jy moet doen, as jou kop prentjies en gedagtes in het wat kom van byvoorbeeld porno af, dan is dit nie joune nie, jy is a slaaf en jy self het toestemming gegee om n slaaf te wees aan dit, die selfde soos met speletjies met geweld, daai oomblik wat jy die besluit neem dat jy dit “laaik” daarvan hou, is jy nie meer die direktiewe persoon wat jou eie besluite neem nie. 

Ons voorbeelde wat ons van lees in die koerante is eenvoudig mense wat dit minder kan hanteer as die res van ons of mense wat dit oordoen , hulle het daai stap geneem en dit probeer n werklikheid te maak. Veral met arm mense, hulle het nie die Geld en die luuksheid nie soos die met geld om aanhoudend porno te kyk nie of rekenaar speletjies te speel nie of TV te kyk nie, en hulle sal byvoorbeeld een keer porno sien of n aksie film, en hulle sal op daai een punt vas hak en nie dit weer kan sien of herleef nie soos voorheen, en nou sal die by die punt uit kom waar hulle dit fisies eerder doen en uitlewe.

Al my voorbeelde is nie vir alle mense presies die selfde nie, dit is die algemene maniere van hoe dit moontlik is. 

Ons sal se, daai persoon is mal, hy glo hy kan met spoke praat of daai ou praat met homself hard uit, of kyk die mal ou, hou wil net almal aanval en vermoor, maar waar kom dit vandaan, en hoekom is ons so anders, is ons anders, nee ons is nie, al wat nodig is is daai een oomblik en ons knak, en dit wat binne ons is kom uit.

Die mensdom is almal ewe vokken mal, want as jy self eerlik is dan sal jy kan saam step, enige iemand wat n TV het en alles wat daarop verskyn en dit as normal sien, moet mal wees, en is n psigopaat.

to be continued.

Day 353 – Less Play more Time, then where is my time.

I have stopped Playing games for a long time now, at least a year, I have stopped listening to Music as I used to, like always having it in my ears compared to now listening to music when I hear it from somewhere else maybe, I have stopped watching consistent series/movies as I used to like every day, compared to now once a day, one episode here or a movie once a week.

I stopped all these distraction as I saw I used them as distractions to hide or to avoid or for any reason really. So that I can get myself back here and get down to business/work the real stuff happening.

YET, I am encountering a very strange thing, I have stopped ALL these things that I used to spend HOURES on and even days to have all those hours and all those Days free for myself to apply myself in alignment with what is here and what needs to be done. Yet I haven’t reached a single thing that I wanted to do instead of doing all those distractions.

Sure I am working 11 hours a day, sure that is a lot of time, sure I do not have all the time left I used to have, but according to the evidence, I still spend more time playing games for instance, listening to music, or watching 5 episodes of a series in a row.

So what has been happening in that TIME that I used to use and that is now literally open for discussion to what can and could have and should happen in that time. – well Nothing.

I surely haven’t been taking naps, I haven’t been laying around on the couches, I haven’t been just sitting in a chair for hours, or cooking every night, NO I haven’t been doing that much every night after work, I basically do my basics such as eat, shower, go on a chat if I have one, check my email, check the news, go out of the room every hour or so, then write a blog just before eleven and post it.

What I would like to add to that list is – I transcribed some Desteni material, I made a Youtube Video, I red some posts and document on Desteni forums or Equal Life Foundation or Equal Money System websites, I would like to add to that List that I have done some other form of writing besides my own blog.

Those are the exact reasons why I stopped all the other distractions (that was distraction for me), yet I still haven’t gotten to them.

It is quite simple really, once I look at all the evidence of myself, the extra time I created for myself and that I do have, is wasted within Back chat, thinking, imagination, all those moments of 5min here and three minutes there and 10 minutes over here quickly, thinking or back chatting, counts up to an hour or even two hours.

BAM there all my time is lost, gone and wasted forever. I missed all the windows of opportunities; I fucked myself back into yesterday so to say.

The back chat I face the most is back chat that leads to – Should I, or Should I not, Can I or can I not, am I allowed to or am I not allowed to.

This is what it leads to, like I am waiting for someone higher to tell me what I can and can not do, if I am able to do it or not, should I do it or not, it is a back and forth tennis game, and the interesting part is, I always decide NO, or I force myself into the point of not being able to. to not to be able to do it though the time spend in back chat.

So I decide No and someone else must decide Yes for me, yet I am the only one in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not use the time I have effectively within deciding yes or no and to then do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for the right circumstances before I will decide yes to do something such as reading or making a video.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to occupy myself within back chat of “should I or should I not” and to always force my time to not being able to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not take myself there and to Do it in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to force myself to do things, instead of doing the things that is “natural”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I want to read or to make a video that I will have to force myself, seeing and realizing that I am not breathing effectively within relaxing and self-intimacy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the points and to Know how to solve the points and what I can do and should do and to never do it, and to not live it, and to constantly create this exact points over and over and end up with self-hatred.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for not breathing through the points and walking them as myself and to see where the road not taken leads.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my own suffering within myself and within my own time loops and to then pity myself on them, instead of standing up and walking and breathing and stopping the bullshit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create self-disappointment within myself through knowingly not walking the points that I see I accept and allow within my daily application, and to then make my time loop a point of self-pity, where I make myself believe that I am suffering because of this time loop and thus I am stuck and cannot get out, seeing and realizing that I use the self-pity as a way of manipulating myself and others to justify why I am not standing up and not walking the physical points of self-application effectively to change who I am and to what I do to bring about a world that is best for all.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am within and as the Believe that I am suffering, that I am having such a hard life, to stop and to breathe, to within my realization that it is self-pity I am participating within, as a way of manipulating myself and others, to not to have to do more, or move myself.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am participating within self-pity, to stop and to breathe and to see that I am participating within accumulated back chat of self believe, and thus it isn’t real, and that I must breathe and make a decision on my next move and do it, and to not play games of sorrow and self-pity with myself to manipulate myself to only then make a decision once I have confuse the shit out of myself to have a justification to why I did not move or direct myself effectively within what is best for all lie, or to bring about a world that is best for all life.

Day 345 – Prioritizing my Time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste my Time through not prioritizing my tasks within the time I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to leave what I have to do up to chance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste my time through doing things that does not need to be done because I do not prioritizing my tasks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear that when and as I do prioritizing my tasks that I will have to give up my laziness and actually do what requires to be done according to my prioritizing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear missing out on self-entertainment points such as just sitting around once I prioritize my time and what needs to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear self-perfection as self-perfection requires elf discipline and living what I set myself to live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back from self-perfection through not prioritizing my tasks within the time I have and to leave everything up messy reason.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted as and within the mind from what matters within irrelevant thinking patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that distraction is an indication of no self will power but me following pre-programming as brainwashing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted by the mind as the thoughts I accept and allow within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone prioritizing my tasks within the time I have after work to be as effective as I can, setting up a SYSTEM for myself to follow and to really push myself within my effectiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear that when and as I priorities my time that I will now not have time to relax, seeing and realizing that I must anyway always be relaxed in everything I do and not be in fear of what I am doing and that I can also add relaxing time within my schedule and also priorities relaxing time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create stressful times for myself through not prioritizing my tasks and then only remembering my tasks once I have been notified of them which is a indication of being late and thus the rushing starts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Blame distractions and everything else in my world for me not getting to my priorities, seeing and realizing that I blame because I am lame when I know I was the one remaining the same in the moment of change instead of standing up and moving myself and getting to what needs to be done.