Feeling Trapped - Day 660

When I was a teenager, I had a secret bag in my closet, packed with what I deemed "survival gear" lol. This bag was a manifestation of my readiness to sneak out of the house and disappear, to run away, to get out of the TRAP we call life.

I would lay in my bed at night, spending a lot of my time thinking about how I would run away, where I would go, what I would do, even to the point where I would be willing to kill others on my journey if they wanted to harm me. I would then think about how to hide the bodies, what to do with the bodies to not be caught, I had the idea that since I am a runaway, no one would suspect me, or find me.

My idea of running away once manifested for about 45min, I climbed out of a window with my bad, I started walking, down the street, it was very dark, very quiet, and I knew where I wanted to go.

I walked all the way to the highway which stretched for hundreds of kilometers away from everything into the wilderness of life. I stood still at this highway, I took in the cool fresh air, I looked around a bit, taking in the view. Then I heard a few men and bottles behind me moving and making noises, I immediately RAN as fast as I could all the way back to my parent's house, climbed into the back through the window and got back into bed.

My idea was shattered. I remained trapped in this world, I could not even leave my home freely, without fear of being murdered, kidnapped and who knows what else.

I had this feeling of being trapped no matter where I was, with friends, family, new people I lived with, relationships, name it all, I always ended up feeling trapped, stuck, like whatever I am in now is the reason for me to feel trapped, so I HAD to get the fuck out, IF I got out, well you guessed it, I felt trapped again not too long after in the new place, new people, new everything.

I became addicted to certain music, trance, techno, and many other types of music as a way to escape into my mind, eventually, I felt trapped by the music lol.

With walking my Desteni process I asked myself one question on a day after doing some great self-forgiveness - what if I am the trap, that traps everything and everyone else, what if I am responsible for trapping things through my constant experience of being trapped as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to TRAP other people within my experience of being trapped, and so actually create and manifest not just the experience of being a victim that is trapped, but live in such a way that I actually trap myself and others within my reality as being trapped as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself within the thoughts that I am trapped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself within my own patterns and habits designed and laid out of that being trapped, and so actually trap myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see reality as a trap, and so see everyone else as people that t that want to trap me, and thus already create distrust within me towards others based on an illusionary world in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize the trap I have been trying to run away from was/is within me as the mind, as the thoughts/behaviors/patterns that I participate within religiously as truth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse others through constantly holding the judgement within me that they are stupid trapped people that does not even know it and so they are less than human, and more like zombies, and so use people only for my own persuit of happiness in escaping the trap and being free, while trapping everyone else by abusing them.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize how I abuse others and do onto others exactly that which I fear is being done onto me within my MIND as an idea/feeling/thought, and yet manifesting it into reality through my living/bahaviour and patterns.
I forgive myself that I have not seen how I caused and created a TRAP of fear for my parents of me wanting to run away, out of a fear and feeling of msyelf for being trapped.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to SEE and realize how I trapped women in pamen in pain and emotional turmoil by cheating on them, breaking up with them just because I felt trapped.

I forgive myself that I have not seen and realized that I as teh paranoid and fearfull person of being trapped, causes and causes enslavement and entrapment through my actions to want to GET out only for myself, and so in the process abuse and trap everyone else. yet I never seem to get out but only more and more trapped as I try to get out.

I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realize that the more I want to get out of the trap of being poor, thus not being rich and so pushing to get out at any cost, I am pushing others int poverty and trapping them in the exact position that I want to get out of.

I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realized that I must stop, simply stop, any and all enegry, all movement within as energy, breathe and move myself from HERE as a single point of movement as living what is best for all standing one and equal as ALL that is here, to see and realize that we are ALL trapped, and we ALL want the same, feel the same, need the same in common sense, and so there is NO way only I am getting out unless we all get out one and equal, where getting our does not mena running away, but where we all stand for and as each other in oneness and equalyt, changing the system, supporting one another within personal change, and not to push someone else down so that one can be ontop.

Over Loaded – Keep Smiling Part 2

Over Loaded – Keep Smiling Part1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overload myself with information intake through not breathing and grounding myself within the moment of receiving new information, where I instead think and over think and let the information spin around in my mind instead of breathing and absorbing the information as me in the moment.

When and as I am receiving new information from someone else and I am overloading myself with the new information through attempting to store ALL the information I have ever received in one place, I stop, I breathe, I ground myself with what is here and what is here to deal with, to take in, and to direct and move myself accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overwhelm myself with information intake when new information is received within the underlining fear of losing the information and to within this fear, rush all the information into my head and wanting to act on the information immediately before I can lose it.

When and as I see myself being in a state of fearing losing information that I am receiving, I stop, I breathe, I direct myself to NOT make this a point of the mind or ego, where I believe that I must be able to take in all this information at once, and I direct myself to after receiving all the information to slow down and to ask questions on the information I did not get/receive or understood and to physically integrate the information as a practical breathable phase, which is self-supporting and assisting myself in the moment to remain grounded and stable, to not make/create it into a mind point, and to write things down and not rely on the mind to be superior in theory, as it isn’t.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overload myself with information intake through taking in all the information I can in a conversation in the fear of, not getting all the information and then missing a point and not being able to act on the new information and be effective.

When and as I see myself being in the point of fearing losing a point within receiving information, I stop/I breathe, I direct myself within common sense, there is no need to fear losing and information as I can simply ask again, or clarify, thus I direct myself to be direct and to take authority as myself to ask.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being effective due to having lack of information and to within this rush myself and attempt to take in ALL of the information in one moment and to then make myself anxious and stressed holding onto all the information and to then wanting to act on the new information as soon as possible before I might lose it.

When and as I see myself fear not being effective just because I do not have certain information within me or with me, I stop and I breathe and I direct myself to be effective in the moment, to move myself in stability in and as the physical where I take the directive point of making myself effective and not relying on any outside information, where I equip myself with effectiveness, where I give myself the tools of effectiveness, using myself as breathing and directing and moving accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing information and to then not be effective within my application, and to give up and feel overloaded and not like I am capable of doing a single thing when a part of the information is missing and to within this completely postpone or NOT move myself for a long time, in fear of moving myself without having all the information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on information to decide how I will move myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear learning new information as I move, believing that learning new information as I move along makes me seem ineffective and not professional, seeing and realizing that this is the mind protecting its own self-created limitations through creating all these little tiny reasons and points that leads to one not moving directing self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be limited to information only, and thus making a limited edition out of myself that can only be mobile once I have the information and useless when I have no information.

Over Loaded - Keep smiling Part 1

Who am I in this moment, I have noticed how I look at a point within myself from the perspective of seeing the point outside of myself. Instead of taking the point real time here as myself writing it out, so I asked myself, who am I in this moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to state for myself who I am in this moment and to within this question feel lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lost as a way of avoiding not having to SEE direct what is here as me in this moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself within the feeling of being lost to not have to look at the points that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid looking within, in myself to be intimate with myself and to see what is here a me as all that I have been living in secret and not sharing this and not investigating this and to just let it linger and grow and to not come out, as I see and realize in this moment that my Ego do not want these points to come out, I do not want to expose the Me that IS here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the Ego must always be protected at all costs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my ego is protecting others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I let my guard down (my ego down) that I will expose my weaknesses and within this everyone else that has built confidence within me as my ego will now see the truth of me of who I am inside and lose the confidence they have within me and so fall within themselves as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others are building themselves and who they are around who I am and who I give myself forth to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build/create myself according to how others are and to within this make my character dependent on others characters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide who I am behind a mask – my ego – in the believe that others are depending on me for keeping this mask/ego for them to be who they are and that if I drop this mask, that the other people will in that moment feel weak/unable to now stand as themselves as they have created themselves on this image I created around them.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the mask I carry/weak is only for my own self-interest and not for that of others, and for me having this fear that makes no sense is nonsense and thus a excuse/justification for why I am not looking into Who I am in this moment.

So I take a deep breathe, I relax, I keep breathing and I now stop the observation participation, I need to be in my body in my totality of who I am here, I need to literally be here to see who I am in this moment. I feel my eyes are heavy, I feel my hands are hungry to type, there is so much to write about, I haven’t written for myself in ages, I enjoy writing.

I am sitting on my right foot underneath my left upper leg folded onto the chair while I sit with a bend back leaning with my shoulders forward and typing with my hands while my bottom parts of my wrists are laying on the table with my hands/fingers dancing all over the keyboard.

While this is the Physical Image/pat of me as my expression – it is quite uncomfortable the way I am sitting, not supporting myself, I am having back pain now sitting this way and my back is stressing up as I write – this is self-support points related.

I am tired –this is who I am in the moment, the tiredness is me being tired in my eyes – the mind, I have been thinking all day, I have been arguing all day, I have been in many many different conversations all day, I have done so many things today that required me to direct and direct and direct and listen and listen and listen and speak and speak and speak and move and move and move, and then ALL this new information that comes in everyday all the time, from all different areas of my world, this person and then that person and then this person and then that person.

The information isn’t just a quick remember this or that kind of thing, NO it’s every time information coming from people that actually are Re directing my entire day three or four times a day and then my entire week three or four times a day, the information in my head is shaken and thrown around all the fucking time.

It’s never just simple my days, do this and get it done, its fucking new things every day, just as I think wow I have a system that works then BAM in your face – here is a new systems and implement it NOW and make it work now and then this new system effects all other systems and decisions and this effects my entire business for the day and the week and the movement of everything.

So who am I in this moment – I am over loaded – inside myself, I feel like there is NO more space for anything, I have tried many techniques but they all work only temporarily, I require a permanent solution – which is breathing consistently, but this I require to work on more - and taking in information at a consistent phase while changing information all the time – and not letting that build up.

Daily writing is definitely suggested.

To be continued with Self forgiveness.