Dark Mind - I do more than you, So fuck off.. Part 1

Clarification before reading.. This is a point I am actively still walking. I knew once I hit a spot in the blog, I had to keep going. So it is a long one and exposes some dark mind points, and consider this isn't ALL the time, it is in moments..yet in the background sub-consciously it is lurking always.
Support - Future of consciousness - The dark mind - https://eqafe.com/p/the-dark-mind-the-future-of-consciousness-part-80

I have this point within me, It gets me every single time in any negative moment where there is a very specific type of interaction with a person, especially with the people I share an environment with. I have struggled to clearly identify the cause of this problem, but I know I know the problem, it simply requires me to write it out.

I know for a fact that I judge people, I judge people through the disguise of "analyzing" them and placing them a certain way in my mind, a way to feel secure and safe, as if I know that person based on the data I have accumulated from them simply through observation, and what I observe I filter through MY mind and how I see things, not how they truly are.

So what is my filter through which I analyze people? and place people in my world, I want to feel that I am in control of my world and so the people, I want to feel that I know the people in my world, Even when that knowing is completely fabricated in my mind based on my observations that are deemed as viable through my filers of judgements and perspective of reality (which is my brainwashing) This also means that I want to be seen as a certain person in my world, which is to always be LIKED, to have a NICE relationship with people, a good one that does not cause any conflict.

BUT, I know that in my judgments as "analyzing" others I tent to only do the negative aspects of analyzing a person, as this is how I know what NOT to do or say and so avoid those points completely. I want the good and nice things, so no point in analyzing that as that can come anytime and I welcome it, so really all I have to do is control myself and act in a way where I always avoid the negatives and thus all that will remain is the positives right??? No, completely wrong.

Sure living this way creates a lot of neutral interactions and calm looking living environments, but underneath it inside I carry this massive database of NEGATIVE judgements of all the people around me, which in essence is me actually saying I am surrounded by enemies to myself, everyone is out to get me, to hurt me, to take me down, and all it will take is one wrong move to trigger anyone and everyone.

So what happens when I do make a wrong move, or when something does come up, like a confrontation from another person? well, a ton of bricks come down on me and everyone else, that is what happens.ALL the back chat, all the mannerisms and behaviors and actions I have ever judged and observed from another person as negative and held within me as their wrong doing comes up.

Here is the trick, while I am in the position of having a confrontation or something being pointed out to me as being wrong, and then all the points of the other person of people comes up within me as a way of now defending myself and attacking them to deflect the points brought to me, I go into an absolute reaction, my heart PUMPS with adrenaline, as i have so much ammunition to throw at them, I have no idea where to start, what to say or how to say it, and so within this I lose all perspective, even on my own points and what is being shown to me.

My heart pumps so heavy I can see my shirt bouncing on my chest and my eyes even start vibrating, I have no control and the only thing I can do is breathe, as every word I want to say simply makes it worse, like i might have a heart attack. Because I put so much value into defending myself, into not being wrong as the identity I have given myself that even the slightest thing that can point to me as being wrong, breaks that entire identity, and thus my world and control.

I still find it hard to really put it into words, as I must still fully understand this point within me. Thus moving on to self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I hear someone/people talking about me, or wanting to talk to me in a confronting manner, to go into an immediate state of self-defense, where I in that moment make all my thoughts and thinking about all the wrong's the other person/people have done to prepare myself for a defensive attack on them as to not have to deal with what could possibly be said to me or brought up for/about me to look at, deal with, to be wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of WAR when and as I feel like someone might confront me, or if they are confronting me in the fear of being wrong, of being shown how wrong I am, or useless I am, or incompetent I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am useless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as useless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Give myself the value of nothing/zero.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am wrong, I am always wrong, and always in the wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a wrong being, that me being here is wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a wrong person, someone that will always be wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up in the fear of being wrong, in the wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that MY perspective on any feedback or issues about me is wrong, how I do things, see things, and so react within the fear of no one will understand me and pre-amtivetly already lose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen and judged as being incompetent, or being blind sided by something I did not consider and thus judged for as being incompetent.

I forgive  myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and judge myself as being incompetent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being incompetent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an immediate state of assumption that if someone wants to talk to me about something that they are confronting me to show me how bad I am, or what I did wrong, or to get me to feel bad, to look bad, to bring me down, and so pre-maturely already go into full on attack mode and raise my heart and temperature up so high I cant even speak or do anything properly even after hearing it is something else than what I assumed and attack anyway.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people are out to make me feel bad, and so always feel like I must not allow them the opportunity and in return make the other person feel bad first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make others feel bad and shitty before they can even put their points forth and have a normal conversation about a point that might be about an issues regarding me or where  I am involved in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do onto others FIRST what I do not want to be done onto me in the fear of them doing it to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear feeling bad, looking bad or being wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge feeling bad, or being wrong as being bad and wrong and so go in circles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being brought down, to be taken down, to lose in a conversation or argument where I am the loser and so must change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to be shown and for it to be revealed to me that I must change, especially when I know it and have been hiding from the fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place an illusion of myself in my mind where in my mind I am "doing everything I can, and everyone else isn't" and so always within my mind I am standing in a state of comparison to see if everyone is doing as much as I am, and always in my mind I am doing the most, and so when I am being confronted with not doing enough here or there, not doing my best, I take it super personal as I feel inferior people doing not as much as I am is pointing things out to me while they should be the ones doing more and stop looking at what I am doing. <--- this one hit a nail on the head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and see others as inferior to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a consistent EGO trip in my mind where I am apparently more and everyone else is less, and so must learn from me, and if I am ever given a lesson by someone else I react and immediately seek to destroy that person by pointing out their wrongs, bad things, and bring them down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to DESIRE to destroy others emotionally by pointing out their lack, weaknesses, and make them feel bad and wrong just so that I can feel better about myself (here it is a desire, I do not act on it, stop it/suppress it, to clarify) as back chat in sudden moments will come up where I see opportunity in my direct reality to make a point, where the point I usually want to make is to hurt the other person, as a way of getting back at them from previous times, with pictures and emotions of anger and reactions running within me, I stop this and usually suppress it, breathe and move on, yet it accumulates into me not connecting or actually getting to know others (distance). 

I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realized how much I am still living as the ego within my mind as my thoughts, back chat and the emotions and feelings that go with it, where I am always within myself standing above others, feeling I am more, better and have a certain RIGHT, and so always walking around in a state of being a tyrant, a sensitive land mind ready to explode if anyone dares step on me, yet believe that I am good, I am a person that is good and humble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the VISION and Projection of me to be a false LIE within my head where I place myself in a state of being burdened with all the work I do, all the EXTRA apparent work I do, and that I am doing soooo much more than everyone else, that this lie has become a state of privilege within me to only boost my EGO and so create a soup scenario where I apparently have advantage over others by just throwing my burdened life onto them when ever they want to talk to me about something to get our of jail free card.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how nasty it is to have the thoughts in my mind of comparison towards others of where I am always in a consistent state of seeing others through my mind in my imaginary world not doing enough, not doing as much I am (as a believe of myself) and within doing so make them less than me in my mind, and so when I am confronted by others about the things I do or do not do, I react very badly as I feel weaklings have the balls to tell me where I am not doing good enough, or enough or my best while I hole the illusion within my mind that they still struggle with primitive points or barely find it in themselves to push themselves, when I do it all the time according to my own self-belief, and now still being confronted??

Thus I see and realize that I react in this manner because I believe that no matter how much I do I will never be enough, or be appreciated, when others confront me, and so I go into even deeper and darker back chat of spite, where I ask myself, why am I even doing this, I do not have to do what I am doing, I can just fuck off and I will be fine, but will they? as a way of kind of now going into a mindset of wanting to punish and show others that I am fine, it is themselves they must look at.

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do things, anything from the starting point of wanting something back, in return, where I feel I do this and I get that back, and so all I do is always like planting landmines all over, as they are with condition and not unconditional, and if the wrong buttons are pushed within me I will explode and the nature of myself and the things I do, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only do things for the reason of self interest in the mannerism of gaining some form of control over others by making myself important in what I do and thus relevant from a starting point of fear and keeping others hostage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to even writing the statements above, as I see just writing that statement has brought up an enraging anger within me towards myself from moments in the past, where I felt like destroying others for their perceived weaknesses, while they are in the process according to my assumption of exposing my weakness, and thus wanting to attempt to emotionally manipulate and break down others before they can even try to break me down, because I am so fragile as the ego. (note, lower back pain emerged here from anger within me, and slight irritation).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the mind fuck and separation to exist within me of thinking and holding onto the perception of others being weaker than me and so inferior, and so within this kind of always see everyone else as useless and not worthy of being around with, of not deserving of my time and space, as I am already far more advanced and they will and are only holding me back. Not seeing and realizing that this is in fact a weakness of me and has nothing to do with others as I use this outlook onto others to justify my position and location and why I am where and how I am, and thus not seeing and realizing that I am creating a disaster for myself where everyone else will see no use for me as I am standing and living outside of the group up in a cloud not contributing, but waiting to contribute somewhere in the future with someone else that I see and feel are equal. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it to be hard to change this point within me, where I see myself naturally as better, not weak, more than others, as I have lived with this for so long, for so many many years, I do not know how else to see myself, see the world, be humble, caring, gentle and compassionate and to own my shit real time and to not make it personal but rather an event that support and assist me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge this world as CRUEL and EVIL and so within that judgement became cruel and evil as the ego in the idea and perception that this is how I will survive and make it, to become the thing I feared.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the things I always feared and disliked and did not enjoy within this world, the cruelty, the coldness, the disconnect, competition, comparison and all the deception, instead of seeing it, realizing is is here but I can and must stand as an example. 

I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realized how deep the ego as the rabbit hole still goes and how far I must go within me to truly see who I have accepted and allowed myself to become, as nasty thoughts, evil intentions and back chat that flashes like a horror movie in my mind and speaks in tongues to me in the most unusual moments and events, memories and projections coming as if I am in an action thriller movie while speaking normally to someone, or see their actions and behaviors that has become my triggers for evil. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to what is here as me and to within that reaction place a judgement as good or bad, and in this particular moment as bad, and so judge myself as bad, not seeing and realizing that this is all programs and energy being exposed and not who I am as life, and by forgiving myself and to see what I have accepted and allowed so I can and will change.

To be continued.

You are just a stupid Child Day 4 of 21 (day 589)

An interesting memory came up today, I first had shoulder pain, so I asked my partner to just touch my shoulders, so that I can see what information was within my shoulders as it is being release, so as I stood there and my partner pressed on my shoulders for a minute, I got a pain in my neck on the left side, which showed me a point of expression and the shoulders was burdened and self-judgement, as I was breathing, I saw a memory coming up, as this memory came up and I started talking about it my shoulders started relaxing and the pain in my neck, but the points are still there. So here I go with the memory. 

This memory isn’t very specific, it is many memories blurred into one experience within me, like the impression of my entire childhood, where the impression I got as a child living and expressing myself was that everything or anything I wanted to just do, that was different, that wasn’t “normal” was seen as me just being a child, and the definition of a child in general society, especially in my county, is that a child is stupid, so I got the “feeling” always that I was stupid, in adequate – that I must rather listen to the adults and do as they say, do as they do and then I will be seen as intelligent, as good enough, as smart. YET, I had a conflict within me to why can’t I do what I want to do and express that. 

Now this has become part of me as an adult, where I now always feel when I am doing something different, outside of the “norms” of what other adults are doing, that I am stupid, that I do not know what I am doing, that I am just messing around, that I am not serious, that I am just going through a phase, that I will come to my senses later on, that what I am doing is a joke. 

This created a massive ego problem later on as an adult, where I as an adult become very aggressive, very angry, and I want to PROVE what I am doing isn’t stupid, that I know what I am doing, that this isn’t just a phase, that I am capable, and so I become a very sensitive person actually, very emotional, where anyone that might challenge me to make me experience myself as that child again, will trigger some nasty shit, some fire being thrown at them. And this makes me a very reactive and unpleasant person to be around, even though what I am presenting as my face and behavior is calm and cool and confident, all this is a manipulation technique developed to “keep face” as a way of showing the world that world was wrong, the world here being the adults, their believes, their cultures, their “ways” and so forth, and so I become very stubborn over time, very difficult to change anything within me, as I fear losing this life long battle as me as the child against the adults. 

Even now where I am an adult, I still see myself as a Child that is fighting the adults, that is here to prove the adults wrong, and this creates a lot of stress, tension and a massive Burden that I have created for myself to carry and to accomplish for myself, as I am always walking in-between winning or losing, never walking actually in stability as this is a polarity based “game” that I have created within me, and as a teenager did rebel, did attempt to break up my family and relationships in abusive emotional ways. 

And so the battle of the Ego’s commenced for eternity, where both sides perceive themselves as the good side, yet each opposite sees the other side as the evil, and thus a losing battle begun of knowledge and information, who is right and who is wrong, completely missing common sense, self-honesty and the physical reality, as the it is and can only be a battle of MIND as energy and a winner and a loser. 

Lol where to begin the Self forgiveness?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight adults or people that I see as “adults” and to within this fighting which can come through as general speaking want to “win” the conversation as to feel that I am not stupid, that I am not lacking, that I am not in the wrong and to make the adults feel like they are in the wrong and to make them feel as if they are a child that is stupid. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear feeling or experiencing myself as a stupid child where I am corrected or said to be wrong or to not be taken seriously. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being taken seriously even when I am within all seriousness expressing myself, yet I believe and perceive that people see me still as a child. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how others perceive me and to within this perception they have of me hold that against me within anything I do or say and where this perception of me that I believe people have of me is always negative, as inferior, as less than, as just Gian being funny. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be concerned of what others people have as a perception of me within their minds and to act within that concern and to always wanting to proof that concern that I have wrong to others, when in fact I am actually attempting to proof myself wrong, as the concern is existent within me as my experience. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be concerned about how people see me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire that people always see me as only the best qualities that is that of right and intelligent and wise and full of knowledge. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the perception of myself as not being smart to exist within me as a conflict within me that I have with myself where I am always fighting myself and attempting to proof to myself that I am smart, yet finding this impossible as I am fighting a believer of myself that I am not smart which will always be there no matter how smart I get, and thus my smartness will never be enough. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as stupid and not capable and to within this self-judgement FEAR that others will judge me the same, or see that I am judging myself as that and then take advantage of that judgement I have of myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the experience I had a “just being a child” to take hold and effect on me throughout my life and to infect everything I as an experience of never being enough, of never being creative or an individual that can express himself, and to within that always Blame those that I have deemed as being responsible for my experience and who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and hold an impression of my childhood experiences within me of that I am not normal, as just being a child, as stupid, inadequate, not capable, not serious, that I must always listen to adults, and do as adults say, those with “experience” and that have lived longer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the impressions I got from family, society, that I am not smart, that I am not intelligent, that I am not good enough, and to within this form an inner conflict within myself of self-hatred, where I started blaming and judging myself for “missing” all those things and so always fight with myself within myself and started developing self-hatred and anger issues also towards others that would make me experience myself as all those things that I am “missing” and take the fight/conflict outward to make the other person/people feel the same way as me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make others feel the same way as I experience myself just to get back at them, as to blame them for what I have accepted and allowed to exist within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I communicate with other people over the internet or in real life, to always have a defense system up where I am ready to protect myself for in case I am challenged in the fear of feeling like a stupid child again. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to exist as the insecurity of and as a child of and as the system definition of a child, instead of standing by my physical child as the confidence of ME as the physical, and to within this separate myself from the expression of the physical into the mind as a energy program that works/function on polarities as reactions, as winning and losing, and to within this create a religion of myself that I must fight for, that I must protect, where I am in fact always only protecting the ideas/believes/opinions of myself of being a stupid child and never actually changing myself as the problem within me through corrective living. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto having to fight everyone in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the idea that I must defend myself against everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the idea/believe that I must always prove myself to everyone or I will lose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the fear of losing, where I believe that if I have to even lose in a conversation or in a talk or any form of communication with others or the world or where I do not know something yet, that I am less, that I am not worthy of life, of being me, or expressing me, and that I should rather then shut up and sit in the corner as I was taught to do in school. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold back on my expression and common sense in the fear of that anyone might challenge it, and that I might have been wrong and need to re-look at what I looked at and to within this actually only fear knowing my ego and that I will be unwilling to admit I have missed a point and so rather not express myself in the fear of facing all my ego points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear confrontation as I fear feeling like a child that is stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be able to right now as I am, know everything in existence before I can express myself, seeing and realizing that this comes from the ego point of fearing being wrong, losing and thus I want to prepare myself to ONLY win, and so I lose all common sense and rather focusing on knowledge and information as reason as weapons to defend myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for doing something different than what adults advised me to do, where I fear that the adults will laugh at me and see me as being stupid and funny again and thus not being taken serious. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make this “being taken seriously” such a big point where I can actually become possessed by anger and wanting control people and events for the sake of feeling that I am being taken seriously. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to add so much value of who I am within needing to be taken seriously. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I must take myself seriously first and even when I do take myself serious to take it kindheartedly, where I attach nothing personal to what I say and do, but to walk it within principle, within self-honesty and common sense, to simply always make sure that I am checking my words to be within common sense, supportive and best for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be tense within myself expecting the worse responses from people within what I do and what I stand for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be tense within myself when and as I am being serious, seeing and realizing that I am tense because I am writing from the starting point of “people MUST take this what I am saying serious or there will be shit” and to within this place heavy expectations on myself through how I have placed the word in writing or speaking and thus create a In Tenseness within me through how I have placed the sentences that now hold me to them and their expectations as the intentions I had behind them, which was and is still based on self-interest to PROOF myself to others as being serious, instead of my starting point being clear, a realization and insight of a real moment as a living being walking within Principle and expressing the insight, realization as is and to not ADD on the extra bit that comes from where I believe I am lacking and requires to WIN and seen as serious and thus always exaggerate my words to make up for what I believe I am lacking. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT check myself in slow motion breathing and what is HERE as personality and to stop and all personality/character that interFEAR with what I have seen as a realization or insight and where the message remains clear and thus supportive for all one and equal as the physical, no mind added, no secret agenda, no tail, no intention, no Bias. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cast aside simplicity, direct hereness, seeing and to add biased messages and values within my words that supports the mind, as my characters, personalities that are always from and as a negative starting point, even if the message is “positive”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see a person say something or comment on something which contains a lot of information and knowledge to cast aside my simplicity and t take what the person has said as a personal attack/challenge to see if I can beat this person, if I can win with my knowledge and information and so chase away people, and so create wards and fight and conflicts that are unnecessary and very personal and not what is best for all life, and not for myself, or I would not have had any personal connections to my words as they are as and for all life, and not for a personal agenda. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tense up as I am about to say something in the fear of saying the wrong things that makes me sound and seem like a loser and thus not win, instead of breathing and trusting my simplicity, my direct seeing, my common sense and to speak that no matter how I “think” others will receive it, as long as I check my words and know they are clear and in alignment with what’s best for all life, expression common sense, expressing NO emotion, no feelings no personal attachments that then contaminates and renders the message useless. 

I commit myself to when and as I see I am about to speak, type, write or do any form of communication, to check myself, to slow down, to remove all emotion, feelings and to forgive what is here behind my starting point for wanting to do what I am about to do, to stabilize myself and not rush into battle and to check my words, my common sense, my self-honesty and to write the words that are clear and to not attach any personal value where I feel what I am saying will give or remove any value from me, as the value of my words must stand within common sense, self-honesty and that stand in the physical and needs NO fighting, no argument, no personality, NO bias.

Day 527 - Living inside of oneself

 

 Living inside of oneself all the time, holding the past against self in the hope/fear that by not letting go of the past the future might look different, only to have the past with you in each moment to create the past over and over. To keep assessing and to keep fearing the past only creates a resentful mind and thus a angry way of living. This anger does not show as we expect. It rather turns into other expressions such as not caring, depression, spite, nastiness, name it. As anger is a creation of feeling powerless. In this instance keeping the past as your thoughts/feeling/emotions with you everyday only creating the past again everyday. We do become first powerless than angry and then we either change or we submit to our own creation of self defeat

Day 520 - A state of reaction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that any reaction I have towards someone else is or can be valid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react towards others and what they say or how they say it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when I have a reaction towards someone that I must follow the reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT take self-responsibility for my reactions within me towards others when they either say or do something that I find offensive, believing that I must defend myself and thus react from a starting point of vengeance, getting back at them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things personally that is being discussed or said about me and to within this “taking it personally” as me defining myself through what others say about or towards me and to within this react in fear of what is being said towards or about me being true and/or correct – as the reaction is showing me that I must breathe and be here physically as only the mind as energy wants to defend itself and its self-definition as a personality that relies on others only seeing certain parts of me and not the whole of me that I also belief as the mind that this “whole” of me is true and correct and thus if anything anyone else says about me can or may expose this “whole” of me – the mind, and thus a reaction as a defense mechanism takes place to give way for energy as the mind to take over the physical and to remove all common sense and self-honesty and only to keep the mind in place as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed reactions to be normal within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see reactions as something that is pointing out to me that I must act NOW because this feeling inside of me is telling me to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Belief that the words that is within me when I am within a reaction that I see as reason and logic MUST be spoken or this reaction within me that is holding all this seemingly valid information will be lost and that I will lose if I do not let the reaction out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when I am within a reaction that the words that I want to speak is what the reaction is all about, seeing and realizing that the reaction is actually something deeper, and if I give to myself a moment to breath and let go of the reaction that I can see what is beneath the surface that the reaction is actually coming from, and that if I speak the words that is within/from the reaction then I miss the opportunity to actually see what is here and for me to correct myself and take self-responsibility for my reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things personally and to within this react – seeing and realizing that reactions is showing me where I am still existent within self-interest as a personality that can take things personally and that exist only to defend itself and its own interest at any cost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it personal towards a certain person when I am reacting towards something that they are saying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold it against someone when they say something that I am reacting to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it about the other person when I am reacting towards something that they are saying or doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become nasty and create gossip about/towards someone that has said or done something that I reacted to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a state of anticipating my environment to “make me react, seeing and realizing that this is actually my living in a consistent state of reaction within and towards my environment.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that me living within a consistent subtle movement of energy within me makes me by nature reactive, and thus anything and anyone can at any time activate the reaction that is already existent within me, which comes from me existing within a BUBBLE of my mind that is my space and my personal wants and needs and whenever the environment enters this bubble there is something going to pop within me.

I commit myself, to check myself, to check if I am here breathing, or if I am within a state of energy as self-interest, from the moment I wake up, and to within this align myself to open myself to LIFE and all that is here and all and any possibilities in any given moment, and to be flexible and expand myself to move myself and to give myself the ability to respond to my environment instead of reacting within my environment as a personality attempting to remain within self-interest.

I commit myself to change, change that is actual change where take the stance of BEING able to respond within my reality instead of reacting towards and within my reality to anything or anything or anyone that might just come into my bubble, and to remove my bubble by myself and to stop this forceful way of others bursting my bubble just because I am keeping it there instead of removing it, and to make life a FLOW for myself and my environment.

I commit myself to give myself to LIFE and to let go of personal, to stand as life and to respond in each moment as LIFE would do and not as how I as a mind as a sensitive bubble would do that only causes discord.

I commit myself to burst my own bubble of “personal and to open myself up to life and to receive LIFE in each moment as what is here as life and to respond within my ability accordingly within self-honesty and common sense.

I commit myself to let go of all my own rules and laws and logic within my mind that keeps up my bubble as my personal mind personality and to fucking really be free, to give this freedom to myself where I am able to response within my reality as ME as me being the director and not to be directed by all these mind logic/reasons and thinking of why I must be so limited and protecting myself and preserving myself for something else and to what others are allowed to ask of me or not or say about me or towards me or not, all these petty things that I place onto myself to limit myself and create this secret internal reality that inflates this bubble that surrounds me that keeps LIFE out and the mind in.

Day 439 – Frustration, Communication and Words Part 4

Day 436 – Frustration, Communication and Words Part 1.
Day 437 – Frustration, Communication and Words Part 2.
Day 438 – Frustration, Communication and Words Part3.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the power words have for granted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge words as unimportant throughout my life and to thus never focus on developing my vocabulary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the vocabulary I do have as just not good enough for me to get round, never developing myself to be better and to be effective within the words I use and live.

When and as I see myself judging myself and my vocabulary as not being good enough for communicating, I stop, I breathe – I give myself a chance to explore myself and my vocabulary and to express myself as my vocabulary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my ego to run away from words and learning new words and to instead just rely on energy and focusing my words on jokes and talking bullshit and thus compromising effective communication.

When and as I see myself running away from learning new words/vocabulary, I stop, I breathe – I instead focus on what is here and to give it a try to push through the resistance and the self-limitations of what I have judged new vocabulary as.

When and as I see myself focusing using my words/vocabulary and my time and energy only on making jokes, as a way of avoiding using the words I know and can use but don’t want to just because my ego do not want to as a way of hiding my own potential from myself just to remain in my comfort zone, I stop I breathe – I give myself the time and breathing to put together my words/vocabulary and to speak them once I am clear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to undermine myself within learning new words and expanding my own vocabulary.

When and as I see myself undermining myself within learning new words/vocabulary – I stop, I breathe, instead I give myself the time and the breathes I have to go there and to learn new words/vocabulary and to stop the inferiority position I am creating and accepting and allowing within myself a the words I live as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see me learning new words and vocabulary as my demise as it conflicts with my self-belief – and to within this never push myself to expand.

When and as I see myself learning new words and it meaning the end of myself as y ego as the limitations and inferiority position I have taken on within myself as my ego to have the ego as my personality where I use not knowing words as a personality trait that keeps me as the ego intact – I stop, I breathe - I see and realize the pattern/reasons/justification and why I have them as the ego, and thus I take self responsibility for myself and my own creation of who I am, and to within this not accept and allow myself to exist as the limited ego and all that keeps the ego in place and to push myself beyond and learn new words/vocabulary – as the words I know are the words I live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the self-belief I have of myself as who I am within not learning new words/vocabulary. Seeing and realizing the resistance I have towards learning new words/vocabulary is the mind protecting itself within the personality design.

When and as I see that I am resisting to learn new words/vocabulary – I stop, I breathe – I see and realize that it is the mind protecting itself through not wanting to go there, thus I Breathe and move myself regardless of the resistance that is here till I have proven to myself that the resistance is but a resistance and does not mean anything I would make myself belief.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I am the personality that I have assumed since child where I belief that I am not capable of learning new words/vocabulary and to within this belief actually not learn new words/vocabulary – seeing and realizing that it’s not real but only me making/creating it to be real within my actions and attitude towards it.

When and as I see myself having an attitude of limitation within my actions towards learning new words/vocabulary, I stop, I breathe, I change my attitude to be that of expansion of self-perfection of not living as the limited me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall in the trap of personality designs of myself and to delude myself that they are real and Who I Am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear learning new words/vocabulary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Belief that even if I do learn of a new word that I will just forget it, and to within this already give up and not learn new words.

When and as I see myself being in fear when I have to learn new words/vocabulary, I stop, I breathe, I see and realize that being in fear towards the point is me as my being, being contaminated by a chemical reaction within my body that then overwrites the actual ability as the body as me as the physical to actually learn quantum time with no fear, no fear needed at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not push myself to learn new words/vocabulary based on the belief that it will just be a waste of time, because I will just not remember and forget, and thus it’s not worth me.

When and as I see myself in a mood or state of not pushing myself to learn new words/vocabulary based on a self-belief I have of myself as not being able/capable of learning new vocabulary, I stop, I breath, realizing that this self-belief that I am continuing to direct me is keeping me in a state of never going there, never even considering to push myself, not even seeing that vocabulary is important till it is to,late, and thus I move myself, I direct myself to deliberately expand and grow my words/vocabulary as a result of growing and expanding myself.

Day 438 – Frustration, Communication and Words Part 3.

Day 438 – Frustration, Communication and Words Part 1

Day 438 – Frustration, Communication and Words Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the power words have for granted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge words as unimportant throughout my life and to thus never focus on developing my vocabulary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the vocabulary I do have as just god enough for me to get round, never developing myself to be better and to be effective within the words I use and live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my ego to run away from words and learning new words and to instead just rely on energy and focusing my words on jokes and talking bullshit and thus compromising effective communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to undermine myself within learning new words and expanding my own vocabulary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see me learning new words and vocabulary as my demise as it conflicts with my self-belief – and to within this never push myself to expand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the self-belief I have of myself as who I am within not learning new words/vocabulary. Seeing and realizing the resistance I have towards learning new words/vocabulary is the mind protecting itself within the personality design.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I am the personality that I have assumed since child where I belief that I am not capable of learning new words/vocabulary and to within this belief actually not learn new words/vocabulary – seeing and realizing that it’s not real but only me making/creating it to be real within my actions and attitude towards it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall in the trap of personality designs of myself and to delude myself that they are real and Who I Am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear learning new words/vocabulary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Belief that even if I do learn of a new word that I will just forget it, and to within this already give up and not learn new words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see and realize that it isn’t my ability that is influencing me learning words/vocabulary, but that it is the fear I have towards learning new words/vocabulary that affects me in learning and then keeps the self-belief alive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make words more then who I am, and to within this thus separate myself from the words and placing them higher and above me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist new words in the fear of not learning them and just forgetting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not push myself to learn new words/vocabulary based on the belief that it will just be a waste of time, because I will just not remember and forget, and thus it’s not worth me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I am not worth a better vocabulary and learning new words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not belief that my own self-worth is more then what I am currently accepting and allowing for myself to exist as.

To be continued.