Self Honesty - Self forgiveness

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that self-honesty is hard. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see/realize and understand that when I experience self-honesty as HARD that I am not self-honest. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that self-honesty can be confusing. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see that when I am confused it is because I am NOT self-honest. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe as the EGO that I can simply be self-honest without doing the actual work within self-forgiveness. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place self-honesty within the limits of the MIND as ego, where I can be "honest" with myself as long as this honesty supports my mind as my thinking, my way, my points of view and thus never actually being self-honest. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use self-honesty to justify my actions/behaviours within self-interest as the mind, as long as I can say BUT I was honest with myself, and so only prove and show to what level I am dishonest, as I see and realize within self-honesty I must push a point within me till it can stand the test of time within what is best for all life as principle. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR my self-honesty and what the truth will be as what is here, to then actually start changing instead of justifying the mind. 

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I must push my self-honesty as far as I can go within myself, to truly see what i here, real and to walk and live that, to thus not simply accept and allow the first thought,feeling or emotion to pop up within me to be the only layer of information I look at or though to determine if I am honest with myself or not. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afrain of what is truly here as my self-honesty and what I must truly change and take action on within my daily living to actually live self-honesty as within and so without. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to avoid SHAME through not being truly self-honest with myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to AVOID responsibility though deceiving and manipulating self-honesty within and as the mind as ego, where I can "justify" myself within saying I was self-honest, yet I did not put in the true work and actions to truly see what my self-honesty is. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to use the first FEELING or THOUGHT that comes to my mind as a reason for me to act and live points, and to tehn call that self-honesty, when I do not even understand this feeling or thought, where it came from and how, and so I see, realize and understand that I must first investigate the point to get to the source to then forgive it, let it go, and to see what is here as reality that requires me to be here. 

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed to see, realize and understand that I must always first apply the work, such as writing and self forgiveness within a point that comes up, to get to self-responsibility to then live self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold onto points within me and to act out those points, to live out those points, as I have within myself already justified and reasoned within me why that will be my self-honesty, and so create consequences within myself and my life that is not best for all, including myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to BELIEVE that I am free, and living TRUTH when and as I act on my mind, my thoughts, feelings and emotions, as I for a moment can experience relieve or freedom, and so connect that with "I am being honest with myself, because look, I feel better" yet the point will cycle over and over until I have forgiven the points, let them go, and to see truly what is here as who I am. 

I forgive myself that I have NOT been honest with myself and living it, where I can see I must first remove my own brainwashing and mind control, I must purify myself all the way, a far as I can within myself before I can call anything remotely self-honesty, as I then need to also re-create myself within principles that are best for all life and I must re-educate myself and develop myself, so that the old is forgiven and let go, and not controlling or directing who I am, as I can then only make real decisions.

A moment with myself - Day 653

Business, I am in a state of business.

Everything is moving within me, outside of me.

I am thinking.

I have emotions within me belly.

I am busy on my PC with work.

Children are screaming around me,

I am also in constant communication with my colleagues about arrangement, things that needs to happen, meetings, chats.

I am thinking about what I still need to do today for tomorrow, the day after, to have things run smooth.

I feel anxious, stressed.

I find a focussed point, to moderate social media platform.

I move on it.

I still feel this emotional business within my belly.

I know, I cannot go further with this in my belly.

Slow down, way down.

I focus on the emotions in my belly, I call the emotions up

See the emotion, recognise it, feel it to know it.

Stop rushing and being busy as to run away from it.

I see, this emotion shows to me "survival".

I am in a state of fear of survival, not as to be in the bush with wild animals.

The survival is of myself, my reality, who I am as surviving within myself.

I see, all my actions would have been contaminated within this fear, thus not pure as my expression.

I stop. 

I stop everything I am doing in an appropriate moment considering all.

I give to myself silence, I forgive, as I can see.

I breathe through my nose, I relax my body.

As my breath move through my belly it breaks apart the emotions, it purifies it, I allow myself to unconditionally let go of the emotions, I give to myself a new clean slate forward.

I know I can stand and move through what ever comes, is, will be. 

I embrace what comes up within the emotions, I see it, and I see who I am within the fears.

I change within myself what I see myself as within the fears to be that which is the best of me, walking in reality, stability, not as fear, anxiety and insecureties. 

I write, I forgive, and I breathe.

There is nothing that anyone can do to me – repeat this daily as suggested by Bernard Poolman.

I then see and realize that all that is done to me is because of me so I see that, I realize that, therefor I stop, embrace silence – let go of fear, anxiety, stress, hopes, desires, expectations. Be here as reality always within the consideration of all life. No emotion needed, no feelings needed, only expression as self, direct here.  

Fear of missing out – How Bernard Supported me with this point. Part 1

As a child, every time I heard my mother’s hair dryer blowing from her room, I would get anxious. The thought would come to mind of, where is my mother going??

I have throughout time learned that when my mother is doing her hair, that she is going out. I never KNEW when she was going out, she never informed me of her going out. I would just hear the hair dryer blowing, and I would immediately know she is going out and I MUST go with. I would drop whatever I was doing and quickly change my cloths and get ready. By the time she would pass my room I would tell my mother I am coming with.

My mother would respond and say, I am just going to go get some shopping. I did not care, I just wanted to go with, I feared missing out on something, I wasn’t ever sure what, so I went with to see what it might be. It always ended up with me just hanging around my mother walking around.

In those moments, I would drop whatever I was busy with, even if it was something I was already enjoying, like playing a game, or building with my blocks, or simply enjoying being where I am. In return, going with my mother, I missed out on what I was doing, dropping it half way and not focussing on myself, who I am and what I was doing, I was chasing something out there. 

How I developed this I am not sure, but it bled out into all aspects of my life, with friends, with Girlfriends, with so many things, I would always drop ME and rather rush to the event, the thing, the place to see what else is there, fear of missing out. It would always end up the same, me being here with me simply in a different situation or event or place. Sometimes it lead to weird things, or not so cool things. 

I got addicted to wanting to always KNOW, to always wanting to be informed, to be up to date to be in the LOOP of what’s happening, even if it had nothing to do with me, or had any relevance to me, I just wanted to be there. 

For example: I would be cleaning my room, something I resisted, yet here I am cleaning my room, focusing on me and improving me a bit more, then I hear that hair dryer blowing from my mother room, I drop the cleaning, change my cloths and forget about me and my improvement in a single moment and rush to this other place. Looking for me, something. 

Same with wanting to quit alcohol when I was drinking heavily and having to many hangovers, I would give myself a goal of not drinking, but as soon as a party starts and I am informed of that party, I drop that goal and there I GO, and at the party, I drink, because I fear missing out, I fear missing something. Back at square one. 

When I came to the farm, the first week after being here, Bernard told me that I will probably not leave the farm for about three months, and he asked me if I can handle that. I looked at him and said YES SURE, that should not be a problem. I had no idea why I would not be able to leave the farm for three months. In that time I did want to go to town a few times, and Bernard would say I can go, IF I can give him a reason that is valid for why I want to go to town which would mean me not doing my responsibilities and postponing them, and each and every time I had a reason Bernard would check y common sense and self-honesty within my reasons. 

For example, I would see someone is climbing into a car to go to town, and I would go to that someone and ask, hey can I come with, that other person would say sure, yes, you can come with, and I would respond with saying, OK, let me get my stuff. So I would run to my room to quickly get my stuff, Bernard would see me running and ask WHERE ARE YOU GOING? And I would slow down and look at him and say, I want to go to town, and Bernard would ask why? As I give my reason such as I need cigarettes, then Bernard would say, just give them the money to get it, you need to finish raking the grass in the fields today before the rain comes.

This kind of situation occurred each time I wanted to go to town, I first of all tried to go to town without Bernard noticing me, as I KNEW he would challenge me and check up on me, so I wanted to do is in a sneaky way, YET, he caught me each time. 

This continued for about 3 months, where I did not leave the farm. I went through a sort of a withdrawal of some sort, where I got a bit depressed and angry, as I could not go to town for no reason, YET each time I was redirected BACK to what I NEED to do, and that whatever I wanted in town, someone else could just get it for me, so while they do that I do what I could do best and get things done. 

So, by now you must know, Bernard pushed this point perfectly, if you look at how I used to live out this point and how he then supported me in facing this missing out point, I was forced to focus on ME and what I am doing, unlike how I used to just DROP what I am doing to run after other things in the fear of missing out. 

After those three months and a bit more, I started going to town a lot more, specifically to get my driver’s license that I failed the first time before I came to the farm. I got it in December 2008 with the farm support. 

Something very interesting changed within me and who I am in going into town. The first time after three month and a bit I noticed and experienced going into town a LOT different, everything felt so BUSY and stressed and tense and heightened in energy, my stomach was turning and I felt like throwing up. I remember when I went with Bernard he told me to BREATH as I have not dropped the energy to going to town, so now I can actually experience what is really going on, the systems and everything in play all the time, as I used to go to town to PLUG in, I now went to town not plugging in as much, but was more aware of the plugging in from within me, what I went to town for previously to support system and programs within me, to keep me upgraded and to keep my personality in tack by feeding myself in town, the city with mind consciousness systems. 

This is quite interesting. Because I used to go to town to literally FEED my ego, my personality, to make sure I am still in check, that I still fit in, that I am not out of date, that I have all the programs upgraded and working, all my apps are running fine to survive in the system. And after three months of not rushing to town, going to town within that energy, I felt WAY out of date, not updated, and wanting to update felt sickening, what I was doing to myself, selling myself out. 

Me not updating myself and my programs and doing the upgrades that are consistent within the system, just like the apps on our phones and all their updates occurring the whole time, I lost complete touch for a long time with the system, I would not shower of bath after doing some sweaty work, for a few days even, I would simply take a dip in the pool, put the same cloths on I worked with and wear gumboots that smell like horse shit and go to town, standing in lines where people would literally move away from me and look at my gumboots weird. I did not do this deliberately, I simply did it because I kind of didn’t know better anymore, I didn’t have the upgrades, so I went to town as I was. 

I did this for years, never upgrading, never plugging back in, never access those systems. I instead went as me, as me requiring only me to be who I am and living, expressing. It was only possible because of where I was/am, the Desteni farm, and the opportunity was here for me to live this to be this, to stand as this and to see what is here, how it works and going deeper, to in the long run stand as a support for others that might not have the same opportunity yet facing the same points, such as now, now is the time. 

I will continue in Part two, sharing more and deeper points as this fear of missing out went from one polarity to another and finding a balance, also how this point was pushed even further by Bernard for me to face in specific moments.

Day 551 - Postponement Continued

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as postponement, within the believe that today isn't the right time, that the right time isn't here, and to within this seeing for the right time, wait till tomorrow, or the day after, and to within this keep on postponing in the hope for the right time to show up, the right moment.

Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone doing a blog just because it is already a certain time of the day, to late or to early and to within this tell myself that tomorrow I will do two blogs to make up for this, and when tomorrow comes, the same pattern occurs, the same thought, the same reasons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone doing vlogs, that I have been jurning to do, waiting for the right time, the right atmosphere, the right light, and to within this make my actions, my participation dependent on the environment and hoping that the environment will magically just fit in with my schedule in my mind, instead of actually scheduling and making the right time, creating the environment through communication, through planning to do the vlogs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use justifications/reasons within my life to why I am postponing certain changes, changes within myself, within the believe that I am not ready yet, I cannot do this yet, I am not capable yet, I am not good enough, I am not smart enough, I do not deserve this change, mostly the time isn't right, the moment isn't right, I might as well remain the same for just today, tomorrow I will change, seeing and realizing that within this point of postponement there exist no such thing as the right time, moment or place, it is all about me making decisions and living those decision, either bets for myself and all or not, and If I continue to postpone I will continue to remain the same - and there will never be a right moment/time, I will never be ready or be perfect to change, it must be done in the moment here and walk it, regardless of what the mind has to say, remain breathing in and as the physical and use the physical as the real cross reference

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am going into the mind regarding doing something that is HERE, like doing a blog/vlog, to stop and to breathe, to rather check my reality, ask around if I can do it or set up reality to do it after considering everything, now, check my schedule, and to then base my decision on what is HERE and not within the mind, I create my options, I make my time, I plan things, instead of throwing rocks in the bush thinking something will come out of it.

I commit myself to when and as I see a moment of change, to speak up, to stand, to direct or to intervene, or to be quite, to Stop and breathe, to check myself physically here and what is here, to not go into the mind as the reasons/excuses/justification for why I should or should not and to instead rely on the physical and to direct and move myself as the physical.

Day 456 – Being comfortable with myself Part 2.

Day 456 – Being comfortable with myself Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be comfortable with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that I can and am allowed to be comfortable with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to be comfortable with myself I must wear clothes that are accepted by everyone else, instead of wearing clothes that are practical and comfortable for my body/me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I wear will make me comfortable with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that the cloths I wear will change how I experience myself inside, seeing and realizing that the inside experience I must change from within by breathing in air instead of judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that how big my physical body is and how muscular it looks will make me comfortable with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the more manly I look the more comfortable I will feel with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the more LOUD I am the more comfortable I will be with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the more silent I am the more comfortable I will be with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when other people look at me that I must become self-aware of myself to be aware of what other people might think about me so that I can start defending myself already within my head and within this then become uncomfortable within myself, seeing that it is the thought and the back chat that is making me uncomfortable and not that other people are looking at me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and judge others for looking at me as if they have the power to make me feel a certain way within myself, when I am in fact the only one who decides what is happening within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must feel/experience something within myself when other people are looking at me, within the believe that I must be self-aware to prove that I am aware of myself and how I look and all that to the other person, as in judging myself before they can judge me so that if something happens like they confront me I can already have an excuse or a justification for why the back chat and thoughts were accepted and allowed to compromise me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see that comfortablility comes from within, from breathing and that any thought or back chat will compromise the point of being comfortable and thus go into reactions and the mind, seeing and realizing that if there is back chat or thoughts about myself as judgements that I have that can and will come up in sudden moments to compromise me, I must investigate my physical participation as what I live and my inner and align them within self-honesty and practicality and thus live within that starting point instead of making it about a self-conscious point of being in others heads as my own judgments out of fear.

To be continued.