Day 484 - From Relationship to Agreement Part 5

Follow the rest of this thread through reading my previous posts.

Day 480 – From Relationship to Agreement Part 1
Day 481 – From Relationship to Agreement Part 2
Day 482 – from relationship to agreement Part 3

Day 483 –From relationship to agreement Part 4

 
Continuing from my previous blog.

Last blog ended with: “And how did I come to now stand in an Agreement with another human being? and how have I changed myself extensively within what a “relationship” means? Stay tuned for more in detail bits of stories and perspectives on how I have gone from a relationship to an Agreement and what that means.”

Continuation:

How did I go from a relationship to an agreement? Well I was first introduced to the concept, and then after being introduced to the concept, I had a lot to consider in my life.
The concept came to me through Desteni, an online group of people that participate within a new way of living. Completely off the charts. People who are in the process of investigating all things and keeping what is good.

The word good has to be redefined to understand the concept and what’s about to unveil. The word good has to be seen in the light of “what is best for all LIFE” that is what is good from now on, when one look at their own actions and reasoning and thoughts/mind and what is it one is doing, one must always do “good” and now using the new definition of good as “doing what’s best for all LIFE” we can see how that places everything into a different perspective.

Now we have to also quickly redefine “LIFE”, what is it when I say LIFE, life is what is HERE as all things that is here right now as the past, present and future, life is the word that express all things in the universe, from the unknown to the known, and that life is all of it at the same time here. It is never separate, it is never not part of itself, yes life expresses itself in different shapes/forms and sounds and colors and all the things that is here, yet it is the exact same thing, it is me, it is you, you and me are one in fact. Life is the word that shows/that brings all things in the universe into one word as once point of consideration in one word to express it all in one go. Life is the word that is me it is you it is the next deadly virus, it is the most evil of people on the planet, it is poverty and it is war, it is everything.

Now the concept has to expand a bit more, so we understand that we are all one now, but what does is mean when I add in we are one and equal in all ways? This is another concept that was introduced to me and explained to me with quite simple common sense, and the best part was I did not have to believe what was told to me or expressed to me, I could in fact test it out for myself, I could in fact take up writing and other tools to investigate this new found concept of “one and equal in all ways” and check it out for myself, this is where I started investigating my past relationships, and I found exactly that equation to be true. Because we are all ONE in all ways, thus we are in fact EQUAL in the substance that we are, and thus we are also always equal within Who I am decides what I create, it is one and equal.

Now the concept has taken many turns, it now has taken on a theory inside my head, it is has taken a grip as I could now see with different eyes, I could look at life and see myself, I could take LIFE that is here and I could see that everything that is here as me as life is a reflection of me, as above so below, as within so without. So much started making sense to me in my daily living, all the small things I was always confused about, I could now find answers for myself and utilize common sense, which I found was none existent within me. But having this new concept to live by, I could now filter how I look at life through this concept first and see different results.

But why would I want to do any of this? Why not just keep living the old way, the way that I was raised by my family and community and society? Isn’t that just simpler.

No! in fact it isn’t simpler – I first thought it is simpler, till I actually started applying these new concepts in my daily living, I started making these concepts Principles to live by, they now started moving from theories and concepts to actual living, to actual principles. Because I realized one thing, if I am LIFE as all that is HERE as the universe (you in reverse(from who you currently are as believing to be separate and different)) one and equal in all ways, then I am actually pretty messed up (fucked up) and so is everyone else, it just took a bit more effort to look outside my own life and seeing everyone and everything as part of me and what’s being done to everything and everyone all the time, and who wouldn’t really want to change.

So once I have now gotten a understanding of these new concepts/facts and principles, I now realized I had to apply this not just within myself as myself all the time, as I am actually still actively living in this world, and thus I have to apply myself within ALL my relationships I have (body/food/living/work etc), and of course, the one relationship that most, including me, make the important life deciding one, a one on one relationship with another being, intimately, romantically, sexually, and eventually creating a life and creating lives such as babies within this one relationship and applying this new way that is bets for all LIFE.

And this is where an agreement starts coming in.

To be continued.

Day 483 – From Relationship to Agreement Part 4

To see what I am writing about read my previous blogs.

Day 480 – From Relationship to Agreement Part 1
Day 481 – From Relationship to Agreement Part 2
Day 482 – from relationship to agreement Part 3

 


From Previous Blog:

“We chatted for hours every day on our phones, sharing every small detail and just being involved with each other, what we started at our first time meeting just continued the same, it didn’t become something that had to be kept alive, we were just natural in being with each other over the phone and what we talked about.”

Continuing

So now I have met a girl that I have made my soul mate. It wasn’t destined to be that way by some higher force at work, I decided that. I decided that this girl will be my soul mate. I did this through totally integrating her and her life into mine, I took in all of her no matter what, I accepted her as who she is. And of coursed love her for that till the end of time as I promised.
The decisions that influenced me to make her my soul mate is quite revealing.

First of all – she was what the system define as “hot/sexy” and she was smart, she also had a good back ground, meaning her monetary life, she wasn’t struggling or living in a dump, she was well off. Almost equal to my monetary standing within the system, we both shared equal opportunity in making it within the system, like getting jobs and making money. These are evaluating points that I and most people check before we then decide to have a relationship and “love” someone lol. And of course all of this takes place only after one has already evaluated the other person sexually, there was an attraction, something that gets your attention and of course you personally can look at daily.

Once these two points fit one’s own preprogrammed profile – it is a soul mate. Simple as that. Sometimes guys go in for the purpose of just getting the sex, even if the monetary evaluation did not add up, and guys are willing to live with that even for sex, girls not so easy. But still do depending on their monetary situation in life, and how much they think their looks can get them out of it with a guy that is moving up in life for example.

Sex and Money decide soul mates. That’s the honest truth I had to face for myself. I simply could not date a girl that was living in a very rich household, only the rich guys got the opportunity. And then it is sometimes the other way for girl’s, they had looks or skills that a guy likes and is willing to put out with sex, the rich guys will take such girls as they do not need any money assurance.

So here we get back to the main point after quite a few insightful examples from my own experience and seeing how everyone in my environment does the same, just with a tweak here and there that makes it look different.

When one is looking for a relationship all the true reasons are hidden, love is used as the chemical that we get each other high on to hide the real reasons, as we are secretly laying the path for that real reason to manifest, to get sex. And then money plays a deciding factor in the point where a relationship needs to first manifest before sex can happen. Because a relationship might just trap oneself in an endless cycle of playing the love game and getting stuck in it, for the sex lol.

Don’t get me wrong, relationships do have parts of expressions that come through such as physical enjoyment, enjoying each other in moments of doing certain activities and things like that, but that we can do with anyone at any time. It does not mean it has anything to do with the specific person and that you love them or that they are different, we are all physical human beings with the exact same designs capable of this enjoyment.

It is the relationship constructs that exists currently as it does – which is not best for all, which isn’t best for each being that is participating within it, it isn’t best for anything or anyone as it is totally based on only self-interest, it is designed and molded based on secret desires. And thus it has already decided the entire life of both parties involved, one of two personalities, and these personalities come out once the energy is gone, the fun, and once the real things start happening.

As we start out relationships because we are curious about the other person, and because there is a curiosity and sex underlining the sudden curiosity we then entertain this curiosity through making it a desire to find out what it is, like showing interest in a girl or guy suddenly, wanting to know them and so forth, just to in the end get to sex, which is the curiosity taken to a desire and then an action/outcome, and once the curiosity is satisfied and we now KNOW, there is no more curiosity, no more desire. and sex might still be there. yet after a certain amount of time we start developing new curiosities, new desires, not within the relationship, because the relationship is standing still. Thus we now have a trap, where both partners have presented this false image and started a relationship based on false images. And have to keep it up for a very long time.

Some relationships do not keep it up, but instead it can become a relationship of frustration and irritation and now it goes into blame and regret and all these negative things. And then we start seeing partners cheating or becoming nasty and spiteful and this is what relationships mostly consist of, this internal game the partners are playing with each other. Because there is NO agreement, they have already agreed based on love that they love each other as they are, so no room for change, no room for REAL change. There is no room for actual self-honesty and instead standing as support and assistance for themselves first and then each other. Yet in how a relationship currently starts out and the starting points already being that of dishonesty; it is much more difficult to remove all the secret shit attached and to start with a new beginning.

And how did I come to now stand in an Agreement with another human being? and how have I changed myself extensively within what a “relationship” means? Stay tuned for more in detail bits of stories and perspectives on how I have gone from a relationship to an Agreement and what that means.

Day 482 – From Relationship to Agreement Part 3

To follow what I am writing about, red the previous two part on this blog.

Day 480 – From Relationship to Agreement Part 1
Day 481 – From Relationship to Agreement Part 2

Last time I ended with the following –

‘To be continued, next blog I will share more on how all of this led to the greatest shame and regrets I have ever experienced and how facing myself and what I have done within playing the games revealed a different side to life, as an agreement with myself and another”

Consider, this is from my view, and my reality and everything that comes from my reality and everyone in it, different countries and different cultures will have a different look to it, and one might not see the connections from reading my blogs, so investigate your own life, your past, and see where sex was in the pursuits of relationships. Sex will always be found.. we ignore it sometimes to make the deception look even greater, some will even be the most patient but when that moment comes, the opportunity is taken.

So now from my two previous blogs one can see what is happening, what is underneath relationships it is lust, two people desiring each other, two people playing a game, starting at/from a young age, for me it all started in the year I turned sixteen, sure for some the game is completely different, yet the games for sex are played.

Now one can only imagine that if your one and only starting point to have a relationship is sex, how that starting point in itself is abusive, it is harming another human being.

For instance in my case, and all my friends that I knew, we would stop at nothing to get a girl that can give us sex. Even though everyone in my friends group were different personalities and we all had different approaches and we all had different looks and styles, we were all playing the game for sex.

It all looked so different from the outside, how each one was playing their game, just a little bit off and different than the guy next to them – because each guy plays the game according to what he can play, looks has to be taken into consideration, physical design must be taken into consideration, what is in your brain as intelligence has to be considered, your socio economic background or current status has to be considered. And then according to all that there is a certain market for you (the guy).

So in my sixteen year in high school I hooked up with my first relationship, where me and a girl were now officially a couple. This was different than just being free with any girl, which was my play from the beginning, but there was no luck with these hook ups, not even once, because girl’s want to first get to know you, well the girls I tried to hook up with.

This got really frustrating, because here I have so many girls that liked me and that was into me but none of them is willing to go where I as a guy wanted to go, see I didn’t realize at that time that this was how girls played the game as well, they are like traps lol. When you talk to them and hear about them they are someone else, but when you go for them, they are now suddenly not what they seemed, and sex is out of sight.

So with my first girlfriend I had an expectation, first of all I wondered now if she has had sex or done anything sexual before, because I haven’t at this stage yet. I just started my game, developing myself and the skills I have been developing over the past few years in high school.

So my first relationship with this girl was very weird, I lied to her about everything, I told her that I have had sex, that I have had BJ’s and I have told her lies that was crazy, I did all this in the hope that I will not seem like a loser, and that she will feel pressured to now give me sex, after two months of dating her I went on a camp with a friend of mine, at this camp there were a lot of girls at the swimming pools and just laying around, they were there with family but obviously looking for fun.

Now I am not a cheater, but my friend that was with me didn’t give a shit, he went ahead and hooked up with a girl, and he told me to also do so, his family told me I am young and must enjoy myself (in other words cheat) – I was anxious the entire time, because as my friend was hooking up, there were other girls looking for a hookup as well, and here I was, just standing there not making any moves.

Then I saw this one girl, and after seeing her I started hanging out with her, and we kissed, and I officially cheated, I have kissed a girl that I met in a few hours and befriended sooner than my girlfriend that I have been with for two months.

After this camp, I broke up with my girlfriend, and didn’t say anything about the cheating, and I then started dating the girl I cheated with, we dated for two months, and in that time we made out the French way for hours on end, but that’s where it always stayed, so one day I visited a friend’s house, and at his house his sister was throwing a party, so there was a lot of other girls, when night time came, I hooked up with the one girl, and whala, more than just kissing on the lips happened, shirts and bras were off, and only underwear was on, but then the girl stopped me, because she also had a boyfriend.

Then after this, I broke up with my girlfriend and I didn’t go for the other girl, she was/is committed to this guy (and they are still together today) – I just realized that with one night stands/cheating I get closer to sex than in a relationship.

After this I dated about 6 more girls, some I dated at the same time, and while dating these girls I had flings with other girls on the side, for the next year up until almost the end of my grade 11 year, I did this, cheated on each and every girlfriend – testing and running around from one girl to another, waiting till just one of them will have sex with me. Leaving each girlfriend after two months to move on.

At the end of my grade 11 year I was giving up, I wanted to have sex before I turned eighteen, I was considering prostitutes, I was willing to take money out and pay, just to get over the sex point just to get it out of my system and to then keep having it.

I bulldozed many women, picking them up with LOVE and words and actions and then just dump them after two months, like taking a person on a balloon ride, and then popping the balloon and just me jumping out with a parachute, because to me I never cared about the girls, I never considered them at all, my lust and desire was the only thing running me, leaving broken women behind in my trail, because they truly “loved” me – as I made it that way, as I used love and building deep trust in girls to hopefully then get sex, and then suddenly one day, BOOM, break their lives apart, in the meantime I was also doing what was called cybersex and cyber cheating, I had hundreds of girls/women pictures on my phone, from with cloths on to naked, and half of people I knew in real live.

And I just moved on with NO guilt, with no human consciousness at all.

The soul mate.

Yet even doing all of this I still did not get sex – Then I met this one girl at an athletic event at our school one day, just by random events, she was with a friend of mine and I went to sit down with him (because I just saw him, and there was this hot girl next to him which didn’t make sense), but not long after everyone was gone, and it was now me and her sitting there and talking, being really cool friends.

We exchanged numbers, and when it was getting really late we only separated, we talked for hours, in those hours we have gone through ALL the questions a partner can ask in a relationship, and answered them. I have never in the past with past girls been that comfortable with a girl that quickly.

We immediately wanted to meet again, she said that she was going to the mall with a friend to watch a movie, and I said ”me too!!’ but to drink with my buddies, and we arranged to meet up and just say hi and talk, as I was waiting at the restaurant with all my eight other friends drinking, I just sat there waiting to see her, when I did see her I jumped and ran, then stood still right in front of her and gave her a big hug, she just smiled and said, I can’t stop smiling seeing you here again, I felt like a kid around her, she left to go watch a movie and I went back to my friends.

We chatted for hours every day on our phones, sharing every small detail and just being involved with each other, what we started at our first time meeting just continued the same, it didn’t become something that had to be kept alive, we were just natural in being with each other over the phone and what we talked about,

Day 481 – From Relationship to Agreement Part 2

Read Part 1 of this Blog Day 480 to get a full perspective and what I am sharing.

Where I left off “This is where I am now going to start explaining my character that I had and how I took on this point within the types of relationships I built and created for the one purpose.
To be continued.”

Also, to get a perspective on some of the points I am talking about, watch the movie LOVE ROSIE 2014, showing how it starts as a lifelong friendship and ends literally with sex and bow after years of fucking around finally committing, because there was simply no more options, to have a stable sex life and money.

So it is really no secret, it is really nothing new, we are self-interested human beings, we enjoy using other humans for our own purposes. We color it up in all kinds of ways, it always looks so genuine and real when others are with us, yet underneath it all, it is about sex and/or money.

This is what I realized at a young age, when I was sixteen, I saw the games the older kids were playing, and what adults were playing, I saw how all the games work people play with each other.

I knew at that age and within that stage of my life I was really curious about what is real sex? I have seen porn already, I have seen others relationships and my friends telling me all their stories, and I really got curious.

I started investigating what is it that makes people tic, what is it that gets girls to have sex with guys, and what guys want and expect from girls.

Since I had a nice big group of friends, we were about 7 guys and 7 girls always hanging together in high school. I got really comfortable with all the girls in the group. We always joked and laughed and we always enjoyed each other’s company.

But I knew that the girls was there to get the acceptance of the guys and the guys allowed it to get something sexual from the girls, perhaps not directly, sometimes yes, and other times girls attract more girls.

So Money at this stage wasn’t an issue, we had parents, so all we did all the time was looking for sexual things, through the people we socialize with and the friends we bond with the best.

Let me also just mention how I am using the word friend within these blog posts – anyone you meet becomes a friend first and then from there on it is decided something else of the same, see why friends after school disappear! Because either you already scored, or nothing happened and possibly never will (sexual). So what’s the use of the person after a few years after school. Money wise you are still secure, so no need to look at those friends, unless they still benefit you in some way such as money, and your money gives you sex.

I started asking weird question to the girls, no one else in my group or the other groups has even thought about simply asking girl’s questions and getting answers, we always believed we have to play a game, keep it secret and expose it in a polite way that doesn’t seem so evil and self-interested, make it look like caring and LOVE (coming to the love point later, it’s a home run point, score with that card!!)

I started asking girl’s what is it that turns them on about guys, I got really strange answers back, always a giggle and a weird look and then I kept on pressing the question, I manipulated through looking and sounding innocent to get them to want to teach me, so first lesson learned, girls like to teach boys things. Always sound innocent and like you have no clue, even if the truth is you have no clue, use that to manipulate to get something.

I got my answers, girls are attracted to HOT guys from magazines, which you will not find in your current environment, girls are attracted to older men, who has money and is well dressed, because it shows security, girls are attracted to men who LOOKS like men lol, and so many more other answers, these are but example.

I asked question like, do girls masturbate? This was a though one, but at least two girl’s in the entire group admitted it, when the rest was denying it, and I asked if it is a regular thing or just a once in a while, turns out they masturbate to every guy that they find handsome, like in a fantasy, in other words porn.

I had two close female friends (of which both relationships ended with something sexual (not sex though)) – as it was my intention and that’s why I kept them so close and had such a strong “friendship” bond with them, it always turns out weird as it started out with manipulating. And just a fantasy, those friendships are now lost. Because they have no more purpose.

I used my friends in the group to decipher women and sex , I used my female friends to see what it is that makes them go all crazy, and what is the motivations behind it, this led to a great deal of research for me for myself, I have knowledge and information now to play the game. Most men probably learn this through doing it, I prepared beforehand. Because I was insecure and afraid.

So the character I took on was the Romantic player/bad boy – this is the character that girl’s seemed to be most attractive to, a mysterious guy that does bad boy things yet when you meet him it is as if he is this gentle friendly caring guy, always something mysterious, missing, and the only way to find out what that is, well to get involved in my life.

Now I am specifically saying character, because it isn’t real, it is pretending for the purpose of sex, but this pretending has to be made real, so I actually became a bad boy, doing all the things good students don’t do, smoke, drink, dress tough but in style, hang out at all the cool places, and have a shit load of friends to look popular, which was hard work but it pays off.

So my key in getting sex was to befriend girl’s quickly, become a friend first, and then from there on take it further, the most easiest was long term friends but not the most frequent (those you got at parties and all kinds of hanging out places), friends from the past, but they were usually used for practice purposes, and the one real friend that you liked since kinder garden, that one you save for last, once you have already done all your testing and destroying of other people’s lives. Because at an older age you have to now consider a permanent sexual life and stability with money, with one partner, and this is where old friends can always be a good option once all the other ones don’t work out.

And in modern days it was so much easier, we had cellphones and computers, we had chat sites and we had/have cameras everywhere, so you can meet someone once and learn to know them more through the new technology, how much better to deceive and to pretend, and then meet in person where the real stuff happens. it isn’t real because it is basically two Idea/opinions coming together and now the energy has to be released that was created in suspense over a period of time just chatting and promising and selling each other to each other.

This is where I played my game the best.. With technology. And in real life even better, chats sites became like practicing grounds, the messages the pictures and all kinds of things to deliberately create energy within each other to have an outcome of sex.

There were a few simple things that gets a girl hooked on a guy. I took these things into consideration daily all the time.

1. Come forth as mysterious, it works like a bomb.

2. Pretend to be a bad boy but at the same time a good guy, girl’s just like excitement. And you must be both, stability and excitement, what a deal.

3. Be different than the other guys, I deliberately always made my hair black (it works) and I always made it stand crazy, like I got out of bed but somehow made it perfect, I was the only guy making a lot of jokes, good jokes, get a girl to laugh and feel like she is enjoying herself with you all the time, even though you know it is pretending, but I pretended all the way till there was something coming from it and then the pretense wear off and you have two real people sitting with each other, what now? now things are getting real and this si where relationships then go side ways in comparison of how it started.

4. And then the other one, always Listen, no matter what, listen, girls love it when a guy listens.

5. Make really good remarks on the girl that makes her stand out above all other girls, even though it’s all lies, and even if they are true, it is being said for the purpose of getting sex, either way.

6. Make sure you have a story to tell the girls, like you kissed them in your dreams, it means you as the guy are dreaming about them, thus the girl feels special and wanted and like its magical, having such stories and telling them as real or even if they were real is a killer, girls will jump a guy just for that.

7. Promise… a lot of promises, good future promises, make the future bright and how it revolves around the girl and how your future already includes her no matter what, or how it has been including her, since you were young you have done everything for her she just never knew. Tell these lie and be this dishonest and manipulative and you will get far with your one goal. But the consequences are far greater.

8. And here is the killer game, pretend or ignore a girl, but always be a friend to her, always be there for her, always make it seem like you are just a friend, she will start falling in love with you secretly and develop this over a period of time, while you as the guy just sit by and wait. It will come out one day and whala. Goal achieved.( it takes two to tango)

These are but mentioning a few still, there are many ways form a guy’s side, and hopefully showing girls something too.

Girls are not innocent in any of this, take that into consideration, they know it and they know it’s easier for them, because girls know a guy just wants sex, so before they give sex they want to hear a lot of things, or get a lot of things, then they give sex, unless it’s a secure women, a confident women, they can jump any guy and satisfy the moment – one night stands, yet that’s not real confidence, it is a form of hiding and suppressing, releasing self-judgments and energy by going to extremes, fear of commitment and so forth, which then is just the opposite of confidence actually.

To be continued, next blog I will share more on how all of this led to the greatest shame and regrets I have ever experienced and how facing myself and what I have done within playing the games revealed a different side to life, as an agreement with myself and another

Day 480 - from Relationship to Agreement Part 1

It is about time I share this part of my process, the part where I share about my Agreement. I haven’t really shared much about myself in relation to my Agreement and my partner and what I have faced within the agreement, in detail and with context.

After seven years of walking an Agreement /relationship (it isn’t a relationship, but I am saying to give reference for those not familiar with what this definition of Agreement means) I can for myself and for many others out there suggest, an agreement is the way forward, not relationships as we know It now.

If you want success and If you want to live in a house where there is stability and where the house isn’t divided between itself, then this is the way. I will within the following blogs which will follow in parts, share with the reader a long journey that is still being walked today.

To share this journey and the evidence of what works, I first need to share some of the past, not to compare the two, but to see the change that has happened, and how important it is to change the way we perceive many aspects of current relationships just so that we can see why they have not been successful and why the world is the way it is.

Remember, all relationships in the world affect the world, unhappy families, happy families, stable families, deceiving families, pretending families, I mean we have them all, and they make up the earth, Millions of them.

This is why what I am about to write about is so important and to be read and taken in with NO mind, I don’t want to hear about have an open mind, the mind is the first problem, it is the only problem we have, the mind is us, it is our tool, yet we have made it our master, then the first problem is us actually, the mind is but our creation and we love its energy/addictions, I will come to this later.

What I am about to write isn’t new, it isn’t news, it isn’t uncommon, it isn’t the best material out there, it is literally what everyone knows, just no one wants to admit it, and even if people admit it, they either enjoy it or they deny it., like if people admit it they will go ahead and play the game as players, if they deny it they will play the game as the majority of the population.

Our lives revolve around Money and Sex, simple as that – we are all born into a world where we need money unfortunately, and we live in a world where sex is unfortunately abused to extreme levels, so none of our first impressions on earth are healthy, I mean the reason for me being here isn’t because it was planned, I am here because of someone’s else’s desire for sex, and because there was money to raise me, I am here today typing this blog.

Men are driven by sex, women tend to be driven my seeking acceptance/validation and thus getting that through sex, not all are driven by the same points, that’s why it seems so different, but it all had the same one point in common.

Sex and money aren’t bad, neither are they good, it is what we make of literally, yet this isn’t truly understood, in fact I didn’t understand this at all, I have always been inspired by random events to decide my live, I have in the past relied on random events to decide for me what I must accept and allow in my life as relationships.

Take this for example: I am/was a 16 year old boy going to school every day like the rest, I do not yet have any care in the world for money as my parents are taking care of that, so once one of the equations of life as Sex and Money is removed – then obviously only the other is left, in this case it is sex. So as a sixteen year old I am obsessed with sex, just like every other person in school, we are all basically sex bombs waiting to explode.

But society does not allow it as we are all under age and not responsible yet, but we have been ready for years before the age of sixteen, so some are holding it till they are eighteen and some are holding it in till they are married, most are doing it way before the “appropriate” time, and this isn’t uncommon between humanity, we are all aware of it because we did it, we were there, we saw it and did it.

Now with a bunch of horny kids walking around ins school keeping it cool and burning inside, we keep everything to ourselves, because how we experience ourselves inside ourselves wanting/desiring sex seems like it is only us, everyone else are quite and focusing on school stuff, not saying anything, except boys, we boys like to “joke” and hint a lot, it is what we do as boys/men (programming).

Now, how at this age, between thirteen and eighteen can a kid in school get sex? Well there are MANY opportunities, just play the game called relationships, not relationships as in two people being together, that’s one dimensions, I mean relationships as in the people you know, or simply the people that are around you, get to know them, get to talk and get to become friends or connected in some way, this then forms a “bond” – this bond can remain as friends, it can go into friends with benefits, it can go into one night stands, and it can go into a relationship, but it’s always the people from your home place.

And we all know we do all these things and efforts with the intention for sex, no secret about it, yet we pretend about it, we are just friends, we are just connecting as human beings, we are just connecting because we enjoy people, but unfortunately, we have just one thing at this age and stage of our lives on our minds, which is sex and we are now also realizing that only within relationships can we get the best sex, because then you have another person that is there all the time, no more effort needed, and sex is available. Otherwise you got to go out and play the other games.

So now we start deceiving ourselves to make the game more real, to make the pretending look like it is real, we don’t want the other person to know that we only want sex, because what will that tell them about me, or tell me about them? It will mean we are then self-interest fuckers only after our own desires and interest and don’t actually care.

So we put on many different characters to hide the sex desire, we hide the lust, we hide the urge that has been kept in for so many years, which isn’t real, it is actually just the mind, and as we know our minds can change any time so nothing makes it real, yet our lives, society and everything around us is making money off selling sex, so we are bombarded by it, we are talking about it, we are thinking about it we are talking to ourselves about it, we are fantasizing about it, we are watching porn, we are making porn, we just have sex around us all day all the time, and we can only get the real thing and find out how it is for real if we can get another person to agree to having sex with us, so how do we do this?

We get a relationship, once again, not talking here about the just two people together kind of relationship, all kinds of weird relationships existing, and we now want to achieve with these relationships, one simple thing, to get another person to agree to have sex with us..

This is where I am now going to start explaining my character that I had and how I took on this point within the types of relationships I built and created for the one purpose.
To be continued.

Day 91 – The fearful character sits and waits. P 1

I have this interesting pattern that I have accepted and allowed to exist within my world, and interestingly enough I have made this pattern justifiable, as if it makes common sense, yet it does not.

The pattern is  that when ever I experience fear or anxiety within me I tell myself, OK I am experiencing fear and thus I must not do this/that.

This came from previous past experiences where I would for instance have to do new things, like performing in a concert, as I perform in the concert I experience fear/anxiety, and so I feel that I fucked up, yes I dd make mistakes but I did not really fuck up as I made it sound in my head.

So I have connect this Idea/opinion/belief that when ever I experience fear towards something/doing something I must not/I can not take part because I have fear and the fear will only compromise and create fuck ups and me making mistakes, thus I can not be trusted because there is fear. 

So Now in my reality I have created this character as an illusion that when I see something needs to be said/done and I experience fear/anxiety I say to myself, ok I cant do anything I am in fear/anxiety and then I just sit there and wait till someone else do something because I am fearful/anxious and so if I had to help I would probably make it worse, I would only fuck things up.

And now today a situation came up where one of the dogs was experiencing some pain and weird behavior, I saw this happening and I just sat there, I did not move, I saw other people trying to help and do stuff But I could see even they needed help and support. And I just sat there.

I looked at the dog in pain and I saw within myself what I must do, but I experienced fear/anxiety – I had a thought coming up where I saw myself helping the dog and then only making it worse, either making the dog angry and I get bitten or I actually hurt the dog by accident trying to help – then the little character’s voice came in play in my mind talking and saying things, You are fearful, I am fearful and all my fears might come true if I help, it is best if I do not help because I have fear and my fear can come true. 

Then I realized this point I am writing about now, I stood up and I fucking moved myself, I was experiencing fear and anxiety still, but I did not allow it to direct me, I stood up in the fear and I walked through the fear through practically applying myself. 

The character that played out was pretty clear, the character used the point of not having knowledge and information on how to help a dog in the moment of need to submit me into - fear of helping, this is how this character plays its roles in all scenarios, using my own weakness against me to keep me weak, to not change, as I know myself and that I do not have a lot of knowledge and information on stuff in this world and as I accept and allow it as a weakness the character will continue to use it to get me to stay the same.

The Character is obviously me and I created the character for myself to protect my own self interest, staying save and not being the responsible one, not being the one fucking up, not being the one to blame, not being the one that made things worse, so I basically deliberately kept myself stupid all my life with all the opportunities in my world to read a book, to learn and to get informed, just so that I can always say, I did not know what to do so I did nothing.

and behind that there is a secret agenda, this is simply to protect self and self's own interests, and so we are all doing this daily and nothing is changing and just getting worse, because we fear making things worse that will have an influence on our own self interest - thus it is to realize we must move and direct ourselves to do what will benefit all self interest at the same time - and everyone's basic self interest is basic living needs, it is really simple so do not fear to take that step that will make you face fear, that will make you not wanting to do anything and just move and breathe. this is the equal money system as best for all life all self interest at the same time.

YET I am smart enough to see the problem and thus I am already equally responsible as everyone else on earth, because everyone can see the problems on earth, we all decide to not take responsibility for the points through educating ourselfs on all points so we can change it, but to choose to remain ignorant so that we can experience fear and use that as why we did not do anything. 

I am now faced with this character as me, as what I have created and accepted and allowed and I know it exist and why and how so I am not innocent and so no one else is innocent because as me everyone knows what they are doing. 

The problems are in our faces, just like with the dog situation, the dog was right in-front of me in pain and I sat and did nothing just because I experienced fear, and when I investigated the fear I realized I created it myself for a purpose – to not have to take responsibility because that will mean I admit I am responsible.

And I am responsible "even If I do not want to admit it", I am always responsible. And so are we ALL.

thus keeping ourselves in fear and paralyzed isn't going to help anyone or anything, it only makes it worse.  

To Be Continued..