Day 475 – Where is my Life Force?

Tonight I started writing this blog from a negative point of view, I did not slow down and I did not breathe to even notice what I was doing automatically. So I did slow down and I did breathe, I took that step after I did not take it, I deleted what I have already written and I really took a look at what am I doing right now, who am I within my mind at this moment? I noticed I was in a negative judgmental state about myself.

It is, as if every time I am assessing myself in the present moment I do so by taking my entire life, my entire past, but only all of that which is negative and bring it HERE and I place judgment onto myself, and then from within doing so I am actually placing this mountain on my shoulders, and then after I have done that I now feel I have enough to write about, I mean just LOOK at all the things wrong with me. Now I have good writing material.

I wanted to write about where is my life force – and tonight I want to write about where my life force is, I am going to write about me and my life force, instead of me and nagging about where is it, why do I not have it – because I am actually looking at it that way within my mind, so that is all that I can see, ignoring ALL my of me, denying myself as LIFE force here.

I am here, regardless of my form, I am here, in living or death, I am here, I am the life that surrounds me and that I am, I am not separate from anything here, the force of LIFE is who I am. I have not yet realized this or lived it at all, yet I am pushing myself within a process of rebirth, and as we know giving birth is a though and painful thing, taking acre of a baby can also be very hard. Yet in time, in breathe it is done eventually, we don’t know when – but I am making peach within the fact that it will be done I simply continue pushing till it’s done.

Pushing with the flow and directing the flow, not pushing as in forcing anything, to force something as I have been shown is to go against what is here and works at this moment and will only end up harming and breaking.

I have been pushing myself for the past few weeks beyond limited thinking patterns that has been conditioned onto me or by me, about how I must act or behave within or about certain topics or scenarios or events, and I have taken myself into the point of creation. Let me give an example.

Three nights ago I did not get much sleep at all, due to Cesar (my son) not sleeping well during the night due to teething and going through a lot of pain, my wife did not get much sleep either, even less than me, yet the next day I had to go to work – so in the morning I woke up very tired and a bit late, within this I felt stress coming up within me as I had to be at the office already for our usual morning meeting – this was me following my usual thinking pattern and how I must experience myself within it all.

As I go to the office I sat down and I had to wait for the others to arrive, so it turned out I wasn’t the latest – in that time I just sat there and breathed, in the moment of breathing I took my entire day within me and I could already see how it was playing out, me getting tired and feeling shitty all day, not being able to focus or take in all the required information and act upon it.

Within seeing this I decided that it isn’t necessary, because I can see it it means I can change it, I decided that I will instead experience myself differently, in fact I will decide for the rest of the day how I experience myself – thank you very much, and this did not mean that I now have to avoid or ignore or sidestep certain people, it meant that I took the responsibility of how I experience myself within me and I made it my own, as it is.

So during the day my situation changes, people change and where I am change and usually all these changes influence how I experience myself, in other words how much life force I have, because I have connected life force to how I experience myself. And every time thing change I would notice how I go into the reconditioned thinking patterns and experiences, but I made the decision to decide how I experience myself, so each time I took the moment and I decided for myself.

Eventually the day turned out okay and that night I was only able to go to bed at 12:30 pm, because I did not start my day off with a memory of the night before or let it influence my day or who I am, I stood in each moment new and breathing, even if the predetermined thinking took over for a while I eventually moved and directed myself out and stood as my own directive principle.

I am still doing this within all areas of my life, till I stand as the only thing moving me.

For instance – I make an agreement with myself – when I go home I do not turn up at home tired, I am alive and awake to participate with what is at home, and this agreement has been quite supportive and how I participate within/during my days, because it makes me re-evaluate what I am participating within as who I am, is it the mind or is it HERE as the life force that I am.

Day 153 oops I forgot to act appropriately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEEL bad when I did not ACT”

appropriately" in front of people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Feel Bad when I ask someone for
Something and I did not smile or show a happy face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Feel like I did something wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I "forget" to act when I am with other people either interacting or speaking that the Who I Am as the real me that I have to change is revealed, as the me that I actually hide when I act and play characters and thus feel bad or as If I did wrong when I am not acting and hiding the main character.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when I reveal Who I Am through not Acting or being in character is the part of me that I have judged as wrong and bad and thus I feel bad and as if I did something wrong when I forget to Act, and thus I see and realize that it is the main character that I fear revealing that I need to Change/Stop and to rebirth myself as the flesh and to not hide within acting and Characters as this only
Suppresses the main character I fear revealing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the characters I am acting out in play is the opposite of the character I am hiding/fearing to reveal.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I feel bad or as if I did something wrong when I forget to act or be in character because I know that the
character that is revealed is the one that must be changed as it is a character that is based on self interest and NOT what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I am aware of the main character as I can only play the many characters I do everyday due to the awareness of the main character I want to hide, and thus I keep the main character in my secret mind where I feed it and keep it alive as the thoughts/judgments/opinions I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear living as me as the real character and to within that work with what is here and that is relevant instead of continuously creating sub characters to hide the main character and to then having to first work through the sub characters and then only the main one, and all of this just because I fear what others will think of me facing Who I am in real time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my process about others, instead of seeing and realizing that my process is about myself and that who i am includes all live and thus others as me, so it is to work with myself as ALL that is here one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing me as the main character in real time in breathe where I can face my main character without it effecting others around me in a harmful way, seeing and realizing that as long as I always take everything back to self and direct my reality practically and within common sense and not on thoughts/feelings/emotions then I will be able to walk myself effectively in detail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the character that always pops up when I forget to Act or play my role where I am protected and approved of, as I know and see that the character that always pop up is that of fairness/self righteousness/frustration/anger/depression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as the characters that i hide, and to within this hide the characters and never facing them real time to transcend them in and as breathe within self honesty and common sense and self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Stress myself out within the idea/belief that I MUST no matter what always be in character and acting appropriately or I will DIE somehow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR being questioned when I am not in character as I know and see that when I stop the characters that hide the character I fear exposing that people will definitely see another side to me and that I will have to explain, as I see and realize that the explanation is what I fear, as I will have to admit that all I was and have presented myself to be is a lie and that the character I am exposing is also a still a lie, as the only real truth as Who I am is here as Life as the physical and not characters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that any state of mind/experience I am within s a character as part of the polarity games of energy, and thus the only real truth is here as the breath where there is no thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i will create a EVIL character when I let go of all the other characters that hide the "evil" character Idea I have of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a secret hidden Evil character within me from the fear of having an evil hidden character within me if I had to stop all the other pretentious characters that always present themselves as happy and smiling and okay and good and so forth, seeing and realizing that this is all but a polarity play out of the same coin - as I Play out Positive Characters MOST of the time I generate all the negative energy I deny I create within me in secret creating a hidden monster that I fear, because I know I am hiding the other half of the coin as the negative form most people and that it has to go somewhere. As this is most of the time taken to a secret place it will grow and grow as I do not attend to it within self forgiveness and STOP.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself play out a positive character to stop and see why and to take a deep breath and to not play out any one of the polarities and to not deny any polarity, and to breathe through the experiences and to investigate the points and how I create them, to stop and bring myself back to what is here as Life as the physical one and equal, and to not Fare being exposed as I see and realize that the Good character is just as bad as the bad character and vice verse, as they both require each other and that my opinion I have of "it is better to play out the good characters rather than the bad ones is misguided as both are the same simply a different experience and that it is not Best for all life in all ways to play out either one polarity as both feed and nourish each other. Thus it is to breathe and remain here with no
Judgment.

Day 141 – Living Commitments – Day 13 of 21 – commenting faster than breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am commenting to rush the commenting in the fear of missing the reactive response I have in my mind that I wnat to place, not seeing and realizing that the comment is based on a reaction in the first place and thus it is based on self interest as the ego and not within common sense as that which is best for all life, which is done within breathe and consideration of all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to peoples comments and their words of abuse and self interest as the ego, and to within this reaction do the same to be spiteful, not seeing and realizing that the response I make as the comment from the reaction cannot and will not support or assist the other being as myself and only fuel the energy/possession and create more resistance.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when and as I react to others comments and words, that I wasn’t breathing effectively and thus the reaction is an opportunity for me to see and be aware of me being/participating within the mind as energy and that I must stop and take a moment to consider my participation and what the cause/effect is and if it is best for all life or not, and that my comment must be a comment that was/is done in breathe where there is no energy movement, so that the comment I make stand as the physical as common sense and what is best for all life and not as an energy movement that supports the mind consciousness system as that which created/create the world the way it is currently as a battle ground for self interest as Ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in separation of others words/comments and to within that make myself better than them, instead of standing in their shoes and to support and assist them as myself into common sense and that which is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see/take others words as personal and as an attack and to within this react and immediately go into defense mode where I attack back, only to keep things as they are instead of change, as that which is best for all life in all ways as common sense as that which is best for all life in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I take things personal That I am within the mind as my own internal reality as the only place it is possible to take things personal as everything in the mind is always about self, seeing and realizing that when and as I breathe and that I am here in awareness as the physical where everything is here and not in a limited space as the mind, nothing can be taken personal because there is not person, instead LIFE is here.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when and as I react to another words/comments that I am in separation of those words/comments and not here walking my process as all words of all being equally and to breathe and direct all words/comments as myself back to life within common sense and that which is best for all life in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I react to others comments/words that I am giving away my ability to respond responsible and to make my comment/words as effective as possible to support myself and others as myself to a point of common ground within common sense that is best for all life in all ways, but to instead through the reaction only have access to the knowledge and information that is stored within the energy reaction to respond with, that is totally limited and abusive as it only stimulate conflict and egos to defend themselves as energy.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself react to others words/comments to stop and to breathe and to not respond immediately, to first bring myself back to breathe where I am clear of all energy movement and to then only look at the words/comments and to respond (not react) responsible within considering all points and words before use so that my words do not carry energy/ego but life and that which is best for all life to end the abuse on earth.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself react to someone’s words/comments to stop and breathe and to take into consideration that the reaction is only possible if I am not breathing, and to first focus on my breathe and delete all energy.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself react to others comments/words to apply self forgiveness on the words/comments and to stand in their shoes within full understanding so that I can respond equally as that which is best for all life in support of all life in all ways.