Day 371 - Care about what others think and you will always be their prisoner - Part2

Day 370 - Care about what others think and you will alwaysbe their prisoner - Part1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about what others think about me within how I behave.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I behave as Life (the physical) as that which is Best for all life in all ways within self-honesty, that the mind and self-interest will not exist and thus the self-consciousness about caring what others think about me will also not exist, as I see and realize that only self-dishonest behaviors and self-interest caring create consciousness and thus the caring about what others think about me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I care about what others are thinking about me, that I am within self-interest and somewhere busy with the religion of self and not living here as the physical one and equal moving and breathing as the physical and not as a picture as a memory as a thought that is a prisoner to consciousness and consciousness is a prisoner to all of consciousness’s.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is “important’ what others think about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it more important what others think about me then caring about who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what others think about me determines who I am seeing and realizing that this is way to fucking complicated as it constantly changes with any and all people, and thus isn’t reliable at ALL in any universe and only bullshit, as who I am is what I determine and live breathe by breathe as myself and not by input I get from the environment, as the input always changes, what if there is no input, am I then suddenly no one lol. 

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am within my mind thinking and “caring” about what others are thinking about me, to stop and to breathe and to bring myself back to physical breathe and physical movement and to focus on caring about real thing that matter, that is physical and to change and to re-direct my focus and attention to what is real and out of my mind out of the illusions and mind fucks, as I see and realize that caring about what others think about me all the time is most possibly the only reason I have insecurities and fears of people and shyness and all that stuff, when it’s not even real, all it takes is focusing the caring on real things and not on False images and Ideas/opinions/believes all made up inside my head.

I commit myself to change what I care about that is only within my mind as things only I know and can see to real things that is of matter of the physical reality that we all share and to direct my focus out of my mind and to reality.

I commit myself to I commit myself to free myself from the prison in my mind that I have created for myself within misplacing my caring within self-interest to and through placing my caring towards that which is best for all life and to change my behavior from survival and protecting myself from what others care and always wanting others to only think good about me to me living as the physical as breathing and movement where I get back to reality and to stop creating insecurities and fears and all these things that I experience within myself only, that is proof it is self-created only, and to focus on creating a reality that we all share and experience to a place that is best for all instead.

Day 370 - Care about what others think and you will always be their prisoner - Part1

Do I care what other think about me? Yes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about what other people think about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I spend all my focus and time on imprisoning myself into caring about what others think about me that my focus and attention on anything else I do is always at minimum and thus I can never do my best as I will always actually only do my best in preventing others from thinking bad about me or anything else or what they should think about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that as I am living day in and day out caring about what others are thinking about me through my behaviors/words all day long that my reality/world is extremely tiny as I am within this only existing in my head in my immediate survival mode, not seeing or realizing LIFE here as me one and equal, and then I question myself, why am I doing this? 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend all my time caring about what others are thinking about me in the fear of that they might think bad about me and then treat me badly, seeing and realizing that if my treatment towards them isn’t that of do onto another as you would like to be done onto, then I will only get back one and equal what I give, and thus I see and realize that when and as I stop caring what others think about me, that it does not mean be mean and a bitch and shit head to everyone, it means live by principal that is BEST for all LIFE within self-honesty, not to be nice or bad, but to do onto another as you would like to be done onto.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care more about what other people think about me then what I care about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I care about what other people think about me, I become self-conscious about myself and create a state of mentality like a robot living between lines to remain within the Ideas/beliefs/opinions of others and mostly that which is only in my head as expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I care about what others think about me, that I am within that “caring” and “behavior” enslaving and imprisoning myself to my mind within a certain thought pattern and thinking line and that it will always control and direct me and my life till I die, never living or even have one breathe of Life as me as the physical expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Imprison myself within my mind within certain Ideas/believes/opinions of what I believe others CARE about when they see me and that I must live up to this “care” all the time, seeing and realizing how all MY time is a waste of time to live a life of caring what others think about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see and realize that when and as I “live” only to care about what others think about me, and to accordingly enslave myself to the way I create myself to fit the ideas/believes/opinions I have within my mind as Pictures/thoughts/memories of what it is people care about and want to see me as, that I will never be able to see what actually matters in life and start caring for what is real, as I am constantly busy with caring about bullshit Images and pictures and Ideas/beliefs and opinions.

Day 315 - Christmas at eleven Part 3

Day 313 - Christmas at eleven Part 1

Day 314 – Christmas at eleven Part 2


I commit myself to when and as I am expecting something to not create mind expectations that are based on energy experiences such as a positive or negative experience, but to only expect with the fact that something is coming for me.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I have created expectations about something to stop and to breathe and to remain HERE within and as breathe.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am creating expectation about a present or a gift that I am about to receive to stop and to breathe and to realize that it is a gift and thus it is a present and not supposed to be known and thus all and any mind Ideas I have created about the gift is invalid as it is in contradiction to what a gift is, to not know what it is.

I commit myself to when and as I do want something as a gift and I do have to opportunity to ask for what gift I may have to make myself clear within what I want to the other person within actually exchanging words and to have confirmation on that it is understood.

I commit myself to when and as I want a specific something and the opportunity is here for someone to Gift me with that something to be clear on what I want and WHY I want it so that there cannot be any mind interpretations on what they believe or might think I want in terms of how much the gift cost or so on.

I commit myself to be clear to others on what I want and why I want it even if it may look cheap, so that it can be clear that I do not want money value as a gift but actual purpose value that I will practically use and need.

I commit myself to when and as I see that i am or have not been clear to stop and to breathe and to not go into Hope, Hoping that the other person might get what I want and to then create all the inner mind projections of what hope I might get and to then get excited about it, seeing and realizing that the excitement is energy transmitted from fear to seem positive, seeing and realizing that the fear is created from the “knowing” that it wants communicated effectively and thus hope is fear, to Bring myself back through focusing on my physical reality here to not participate within the mind.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I get angry/mad/outraged about a present/gift not being what I wanted to stop and to breathe and to see where I haven’t been clear and How I in fact created the anger/madness/outrage within me through my own actions, through and as participating within alternative realities within my mind that isn’t based on facts even but hope and excitement and dreaming and imagination and how the reality check then becomes to cruel to handle and thus my bubble gets burst and so I actually in that moment am facing me and being angry/outraged/mad at myself fro giving into the delusions/illusions of the mind and that I never in fact checked or made clear what I wanted and thus I know in that moment that I could not and cant blame anyone but myself and thus take self responsibility through correcting myself where I see I gave space for the mind to take me over.

Day 314 – Christmas at eleven Part 2

Day 313 - Christmas at eleven Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was clear with my mother what I wanted for Christmas, seeing and realizing that it was an assumption as there was no Yes or No on if she was clear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume I am clear on a point without even having a confirmation on it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume instead of making 1000% sure that it is so in fact or not through asking directly to get a direct confirmation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get excited from the perspective or assuming that I was getting what I wanted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get excited from assumptions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that being excited from an assumption is a recipe for disaster and the creation of the opposite of excitement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume the position of excitement within the interpretation of believing that my mother knew what I wanted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I might have shown my mother what I wanted but that to her it could have been interpreted as many other things in the same section that I wanted and not just that specific thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a toy from the mind as an Idea that I have created about the toy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the toy that I wanted more within my mind then what it is in reality, making/creating a desire for the toy as a energy experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a energy experience to the toy I wanted, instead of breathing and seeing and realizing that the toy isn’t a energy experience about a practical thing I can play with physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire a toy according to how I have already played with it in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to watch Spider man on TV and then to go to the mall and look at the Spider-man toy and while watching the toy I play scenes out from the story on TV and thus making it way awesome then what it will be in reality where I run with the toy spinning him through the air and he can’t really do much more then what I can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to life in an alternate reality as the Mind and to create myself and what I like and Dislike within my mind within this alternate reality and to then when and as reality hits me and it isn’t what I like, to then feel like crying and like breaking things and becoming a destroyer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Feel betrayed by reality when I got the wrong present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I betrayed myself through participating in a alternative reality as my imagination with the toy I desired without even really knowing for sure if I was getting it an then when i got the toy to be all outraged and full of sadness and anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother for not knowing what I wanted for sure and getting it for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Feel like my Mother was a failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I wasn’t allowed to express myself when it wasn’t the toy I wanted because the toy cost more than the original one I wanted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect Money on that day to how good a present must be, that what I wanted did not matter in terms of what Money tells me about a toy, the cheaper the worse, the more expensive the batter, even if the more expensive one is a really STUPID toy and can go burn in hell for all I care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that the more money my mother spend on me the more it meant she cared for me, and thus I wasn’t allowed to express my sadness otherwise I would have proved her wrong and make her feel bad for spending more money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Connect how much a present costs as how much value the present must have in happiness and to over write the actual want for the toy which was practical in terms of me having to play with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress how I feel just because I fear bursting someone else’s bubble of happiness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as i got angry/outraged/sad to suppress it all within me as I did not know what was happening to me, what I was experiencing and to then go in secret and express it as being abusive, such as kicking and throwing the toy that I did not want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not sit down with my mother and express to her what I was experiencing so that it could be explained to me and so that I could understand, and so that the miss communication between us could have been resolved and it could have been made clear that It wasn’t the money value of toys that I wanted but the actual purpose of the toys that mattered to me.

To be continued.

Day 313 - Christmas at eleven Part 1

I am eleven years old, it is Christmas time, we are all getting presents, I believe I made it clear to my mother what Toy I wanted, she knew what I wanted, and it wasn't that expensive.

I was very excited to get my present, we were all around the tree in the lounge. My mother wanted us to wait till nighttime came, but we could not, we kept on asking and asking to open our presents, she eventually gave in and said okay, so we all gathered closer and we took our presents one by one to open.

I got my first present and it wasn't something that awesome, then the next person and so on, then it was my urn again, it was the present from my mother, I was already FULL of expectations. With the deep desire and craving fro that toy I wanted, I took off the paper from the present, it wasn't what I wanted.

I wanted a spider-man toy that could move his arms and legs and all the cool stuff that makes it more real when I play with it, and it cost like fifty rand, my mother got me a Spider-man toy. This was a Spider-man sitting in a car, cant take him our or anything, and you can put the spider man in the car into this launcher and then push a button and it shoots the car out to drive a few meters, this present cost about three hundred rands.

I felt like crying, but I could not, I saw the Joy and happiness on my mothers smile from giving her children presents, and I could not express myself in that moment as being extremely angry, I held it all in and I created a massive resentment towards my mother, all in that instant moment.

I kept on smiling and pretending to enjoy the toy, taking it and putting it in and letting it be launched. The more I did this the more I got angry and angry, I started behaving in a spiteful manner, I hated myself for hating the toy and my mother, I started blaming the toy.

After everyone got their toys I tried switching toys with my smaller brother, selling it to him why he would like it, I don't remember what he got but it was better then mine in that moment.

He did not want it, but I let him play with it, secretly trying to make him like it, so that I can switch toys in the end, it never happened because he got board of it as-well very quickly.

Once I was alone with myself and the toy I wanted to break the FUCKING toy, I wanted to cry with outrage, I did not, I instead Kicked the fucking toy, it isnt what i wanted, and No one fucking listened to me when I showed them what I wanted, but my mother was so happy, I could not sadden her, I also feared making my mother feel like she is a bad mother and that she wasted her money on the toy, she did waist money as I Never after that day touched it again.

Even now as I write this, I experience shame and sadness for who I was and still am, and towards my mother. She meant well and there I was being evil inside of myself, creating this world and feelings/emotions towards here in secret.

I remember I could not stand who i was in that moment, yet I was that in that moment, that evil, that secret world of pure hate/resentment/spitefulness. And it all

Self Forgiveness next.

Day 112 – I can’t do Better Character.

Oh yes – This character is a real mind fuck. I have lived in this Character for so long within so many things, giving this character all the good justification to why I just can’t do Better, really I just can’t, look at it, I have tried everything, really, I can’t do better, Oh wait I am just making myself belief that and so within ALL my efforts I am literally sabotaging myself to not do better. 

Why would I sabotage myself to not really do better and to rather give into the easy way of not doing better – well there is my answer- to have it easy, to not have to be ABLE to take Responsibility – to develop the ability to respond, so I am within this wanting to only have things easy “reacting the whole time instead of responding.

And so within this reaction I am having the whole time backed up with all these awesome great excuses such as Back-chat conversations in my head and secret mind (thoughts) to why I am reacting and not doing better I am only reacting to what the real reason is that is hidden. 

Example.

I have to build a wooden desk – the task was given to me to build a wooden desk and I accepted it. I started working on the desk and a day or two later I was done. 

The desk looked like shit and the structure is shit and I felt I accomplished something. Then the judgment day arrived where others now will see what I made and obviously they will question what I did and why I did it the way I did it and so forth.

So as I await the judgment I have already BEFOREHAND while I was working on the desk and as I worked on the desk and as I SAW what I can do as making a awesome desk BUT instead I did not do it even as I saw it was possible because I saw that it would have required me to be more patient and do more work, so I ended up doing it the quick and easy way and that was easy. And while I saw and ignored the Better way, as the ability to response to what I see needs to be done and that is practical and best for all, I immediately created reasons and Justifications and excused in my mind within secret conversations within myself that I KNEW I was going to use when others see what I saw and that they will not hesitate to question my actions, and I will have all the ammunition ready (excuses/reasons/justifications) to why I did it the way I did it while I clearly know it is a fucking LIE. 

So I have done this hundreds of times and I have seen my ass many times and I always ended up with a bag that I carry around with me that is invisible filled with self HATRED and self diminishing characteristics as I always only sabotaged myself and compromised others.

And The best part is – a few years later which is last year and this year – I have made a decision within myself to do things properly and to not sabotage myself and to not compromise the group/environment within how I am using my ability to respond responsibly, and I have learned a couple of things.

The first thing I learned was when I made another few desks is that it is actually much easier to make but more time and to learn much more skills and how to use them to built a much better stronger bigger desk that last long and is stable and then having all these skills to apply everywhere else.

The second thing I told myself was – WHY THE FUCK DID I LIMIT MYSELF, the third thing was – How did I accept and allow such useless Limitations of myself and how the fuck did I convince myself they were so real that I myself believed I could not get past it and that my reasons and justifications were made to be so big I thoughts they were actual mountains and cannot be moved, here I am moving mountains everyday because it isn’t mountains once I stopped the Back-Chat and all the 

excuses/reasons/justifications and my Life actually is so much easier and I have less headaches and I am less tired, and I now know that all the other points in my life where I go “I cannot do better” was and is created by myself because of all the times I fucked around and made it so real as myself as a Character that I believed is me and that it is just who I am built out of thoughts/feelings/emotions and obviously from memories/past experiences.

And this was/is but only one point in relation to building desks.

There are much more, such as me reading, writing, speaking, making art, working on the internet, making money, doing jobs, making videos, studying, etc.

Next up – Self Forgiveness
stay tuned.

Day 62 – My body is in a constant modelling show Part 2.

This is a continuation of day 61 – The Body isn’t a picture part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my body to other bodies, either in magazines/TV or in my environment and see/judge my body as less than other bodies due to physical appearances, realizing that even if the physical appearance is different the functionality of the body is EXACTLY the same and that is what matters and what the body is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my body as less than other bodies due to me comparing my body in how it “looks” to other bodies and how they look within the belief that how a physical body looks determines what it is able to do, realizing that this is just a belief and that all human physical bodies are the exact same within their functionality unless one suffers from a physical disease or any other physical point that actually makes the body not function or able to function as iti s intended.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that all bodies are the exact same in their functionality and how they look is but simply a picture, a look and has no relevance to LIFE or what actually matters within this world as LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my body as less than other bodies due to certain physical parts that may look bigger, stronger, slimmer, smaller, and to within that compare my body to the other body and completely ignore/neglect the actual purpose of the physical body within the idea that the picture the body presents is real and that matters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less than other bodies if what I am comparing myself to isn’t equal or almost the same as another body and within this create self judgment and ideas and beliefs about self that is completely not necessary yet allowing it to consume me and to actually take over my world as my focus to either reach a different physical look/appearance and to change myself into the desired picture and within this completely miss out on the actual body functions and how to improve self with the body as how it functions and NOT how it looks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my body as tiny.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my body as skinny regardless of the actual physical things I am capable of doing, clearly indicating I am after looks and not what works practically in and as this physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that how I look determines how capable I am, realizing that my four years at Desteni Farm and working on the farm building homes, and doing lots of other stuff have shown me that I am capable in and as my body and that how big I am and how I look has no value at all to what the body can do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to look good in my physical body only to attract females for sex, realizing that If I was all alone on earth with myself then how I look would not have mattered at all, showing and revealing the actual value of physical looks as Being NO VALUE AT ALL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my body as big.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself and my body for not being the picture I desire and thus living in separation of my body and actually reaching its full potential within its actual purpose/functions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my body as if it is in a modelling competition every day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put my body under severe stress through constantly comparing my body with everything and everyone all day as if it is in a modelling competition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly compare my body with other bodies as if it is in a meddling show and that there will be a prize to be won every day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell my body it is ugly through constantly punishing my body as if it in a constant modelling show that must perform everyday or else!!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body through acting/walking and behaving in certain ways during my day as if I am in a constant modelling show and that those moves will make me win the show and I might get a prize, realizing it is all a delusion of self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put my body under constant pressure as if it is in a modelling show all day and to tell my body through my actions that I hate my body/myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my body as being something separate and that I can abuse and do with as I please as long as I as the mind consciousness systems are satisfied that I could suck all the energy I want out of the body not realizing I am actually sucking all the energy out of ME and thus killing myself faster and abusing myself at the same time just to maintain a certain idea/picture presentation of myself everyday in order to feel accepted and wanted and looked at.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I am punished for the physical body I have within how it looks, not considering that my body fucking functions and this is something to be grateful for in Capitalism, as there are millions of kids that do not have full functioning bodies due to all the inconsiderate things capitalism do to life every second that has a influence on all LIFE and thus children of all races are born with new physical diseases every fucking day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ungrateful for me as my body one and equal to have a full functioning body that gives me the chance this life time to be as effective as I can be to move and direct me and to rebirth myself as life and to not take this for granted and to STOP the current money system as Capitalism that is destroying our world and the people within it that takes away children’s chances of having a dignified life that if fun to live due to consumerism and what the system has to do and the lengths the system has to go to keep on making money eve at the expense of our very own future.

To be continued on ... my body is designed to attract women as Self Abuse Part 3