Day 113 – I can’t Do better Character – Self Forgiveness

This is a continuation of Day 112.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mind fuck myself within participating in the “I can’t do better” character through making myself belief I can not do better within all the reasons/justifications/excuses I make up and actually validate within my mind as “making sense” within the inner secret conversations as back chat within myself and to within this when the time comes and I have to do something I do it half way instead of expanding myself in learning and becoming better through more effort, and thus seeing and realizing that the “I can’t do better” character is simply a character that is afraid of doing a bit more work and giving it more effort because of the love I have for myself as the character because I have learned in the past where I say or tell someone “I can’t do better” and giving them all the excuses/reasons/justification to defend my own limitations and got away with it and through this learned that it is okay to do thing half way and like an ASS ASSlong as I have the right backup/ammunition for my statement as the character and so fell in love with this character because I felt like I won, I got away with it, I am excused and free because I simply can not do better and everyone else now also beliefs that of me and so I belief that of myself and so my LOVE for my character FUCKED me into limitation and to be a slave to the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am applying myself within doing something and as I apply myself and thoughts come up as to why I CAN’T to give value to these thoughts as real and that they must have meaning and so limit myself as a thought and to remain a slave to my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be self honest with myself within the situation of when and as I am applying myself in doing something that I am aware of all solutions and ways to do better as I have the insight in the moments of application, and that when I do not apply what I see is here and what is shown to me in the moment I go into a state of self diminishing myself and self hatred and then all the reasons/justification/excuses starts as I create them to justify why I was so deliberate in not doing better as I was able to see in the moments, and through this actually create myself as the limited Character that becomes a walking excuse/justification that is always only limiting me instead of expanding me in and as the physical as that which is here as LIFE one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I am aware of why I do things and when I do them and how I do then and that I actually in each moment make deliberate decisions to not follow through in doing better and so only end up sabotaging myself and my life and my expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to have have identified myself as the character of “I can not do better” and that it is who I am and will always be who I am, not seeing and realizing within identifying myself as the character as set in stone I am the only one keeping myself limited and trapped within all the self hatred/sabotaging/limitations and diminishing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that as long as I continue to participate within the “I can not do better” character that I will always live in fear and anxiety of other asking me to do things because I know I will act out the character in self defense of do not ask me you know I can t do it, I am not good at doing it, I am not worthy of doing it because I can t do anything good or make anything better and thus I will live in my own pool of emotions/fear/stress/anxiety/reactions because I have automated the self created belief of myself as “I can not do better” and thus created a character out of it to show and live a character that always shows people I can not do better just to not be asked to do thing because of the initial point of energy/experience being in love with the idea of not doing much or even just the bear minimal because I got and saw that I got away with it in the past and that I have connected a feeling of winning to it that I believed gave me power as manipulation of myself and others, not realizing that I only fucked myself in ever expanding and growing and being able to act and express myself in and as the physical one and equal as LIFE as true freedom as breath to be able as that which I create myself as, as WHO I Decide I AM.

to be continued on Self corrective statements.

Day 112 – I can’t do Better Character.

Oh yes – This character is a real mind fuck. I have lived in this Character for so long within so many things, giving this character all the good justification to why I just can’t do Better, really I just can’t, look at it, I have tried everything, really, I can’t do better, Oh wait I am just making myself belief that and so within ALL my efforts I am literally sabotaging myself to not do better. 

Why would I sabotage myself to not really do better and to rather give into the easy way of not doing better – well there is my answer- to have it easy, to not have to be ABLE to take Responsibility – to develop the ability to respond, so I am within this wanting to only have things easy “reacting the whole time instead of responding.

And so within this reaction I am having the whole time backed up with all these awesome great excuses such as Back-chat conversations in my head and secret mind (thoughts) to why I am reacting and not doing better I am only reacting to what the real reason is that is hidden. 

Example.

I have to build a wooden desk – the task was given to me to build a wooden desk and I accepted it. I started working on the desk and a day or two later I was done. 

The desk looked like shit and the structure is shit and I felt I accomplished something. Then the judgment day arrived where others now will see what I made and obviously they will question what I did and why I did it the way I did it and so forth.

So as I await the judgment I have already BEFOREHAND while I was working on the desk and as I worked on the desk and as I SAW what I can do as making a awesome desk BUT instead I did not do it even as I saw it was possible because I saw that it would have required me to be more patient and do more work, so I ended up doing it the quick and easy way and that was easy. And while I saw and ignored the Better way, as the ability to response to what I see needs to be done and that is practical and best for all, I immediately created reasons and Justifications and excused in my mind within secret conversations within myself that I KNEW I was going to use when others see what I saw and that they will not hesitate to question my actions, and I will have all the ammunition ready (excuses/reasons/justifications) to why I did it the way I did it while I clearly know it is a fucking LIE. 

So I have done this hundreds of times and I have seen my ass many times and I always ended up with a bag that I carry around with me that is invisible filled with self HATRED and self diminishing characteristics as I always only sabotaged myself and compromised others.

And The best part is – a few years later which is last year and this year – I have made a decision within myself to do things properly and to not sabotage myself and to not compromise the group/environment within how I am using my ability to respond responsibly, and I have learned a couple of things.

The first thing I learned was when I made another few desks is that it is actually much easier to make but more time and to learn much more skills and how to use them to built a much better stronger bigger desk that last long and is stable and then having all these skills to apply everywhere else.

The second thing I told myself was – WHY THE FUCK DID I LIMIT MYSELF, the third thing was – How did I accept and allow such useless Limitations of myself and how the fuck did I convince myself they were so real that I myself believed I could not get past it and that my reasons and justifications were made to be so big I thoughts they were actual mountains and cannot be moved, here I am moving mountains everyday because it isn’t mountains once I stopped the Back-Chat and all the 

excuses/reasons/justifications and my Life actually is so much easier and I have less headaches and I am less tired, and I now know that all the other points in my life where I go “I cannot do better” was and is created by myself because of all the times I fucked around and made it so real as myself as a Character that I believed is me and that it is just who I am built out of thoughts/feelings/emotions and obviously from memories/past experiences.

And this was/is but only one point in relation to building desks.

There are much more, such as me reading, writing, speaking, making art, working on the internet, making money, doing jobs, making videos, studying, etc.

Next up – Self Forgiveness
stay tuned.