I am NOT IMPORTANT - Day 655

I am NOT important

To think you are important can be the biggest thing that holds you back from living your fullest potential.

Here is my self-forgiveness on this topic of thinking I am important. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to THINK that I am important. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the idea as a thought within my mind that I am important.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to look at why and what I believe of myself to be important and where these believes come from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk and talk as if I am important and thus more than others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to be important gives me value as a being, and so I value everything of everyone else except that of myself as principle as who I am and thus stand by as life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am important t than I am destined of r great things that is better than other people’s destinies, thus not seeing and realizing that within this I will do and act in ways that PUSH others down just so that I can be important. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEEL and believe that IF I am not important in the eyes of others then I will have no value and meaning as a being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to WANT to be important as to be seen as MORE than others as to not have to live in FEAR f others as I believe that the idea of being important from others naturally takes away my own fears and insecurities of myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR not being important and thus irrelevant and useless to others and so myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be raised without question by my parents that I am important/special and so more than other people, where this was told to me as an insecurity from my parents of believes they already had of me as NOT being capable, as not surviving in this world and so I had to have an idea of myself as being MORE and so being important, yet accepting and allowing through this within me the polarity of intense fear of not being important and thus NOT surviving/living in this world and failing. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within myself the FEAR of that if I am not important then I do not exist and may as well then self-destruct and abuse, and so using the IDEA of I am important as a way to “motivate” myself to be better, to be more than what I believe of myself, SEEING and realizing that this is  a band aid that can be harshly ripped off if I suddenly do not feel important and go into all the point that I believe if myself negatively as the polarity playouts. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that how I LOOK makes me important and even so more important than others and how they look like in comparison. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to SEE my life story and what I have gone through and lived as SO fucking important and thus MORE than others that I hold onto this false Idea of what my life means, what it should mean, what it is going to mean, and in the meantime glorifying my own story and making it so important that I am bound to not be important as I disregard all other stories as equally important just to keep myself important to have value and meaning, even going to the lengths of making my story more than what it is just to get that attention of look how important I am. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within self-interest to the degree of selling myself out completely to FEAR just to be important and so give up my living, my expression and my natural breathing in the fear of it not being important enough and losing within this life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize how the idea of me being so fucking important has crippled me from actually being important to myself in a way that matters to me and to all life equally as who I am and standing as, where there is no fear and only self-honesty. 

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that as long as I believe that I a important with a special mission this life, I will always fail as the importance and specialness does not and never will match reality and only creates FEAR of failure and so losing importance and thus never actually being able to take the steps that is needed for change, but rather holding on to a fake state of importance and security as EGO/Illusion. 

I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realized that as long as I trap myself within the idea/opinion and vision of myself as being important, or someone that will be important, that I trap myself in absolute anxiety and fear of LIVING as everything I do and say and live can always possibly be a failure and that an act of simply not existing or deserving to exist as a mind fuck. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that if I am No ONE then I have NOTHING to lose, to fear to be anxious about, and ONLY everything to GIVE as who I am standing within my principle as what is best for all LIFE. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse others within living in a state of self-importance as an imposed state of being within this reality onto others and so suffocating other people through my own self-importance. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself through living in an illusionary world of my ego as a believer of myself that I am somehow magically important, and thus more than others, where I destroy what is REAL for that which does not exist. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I speak/talk to other people to always have this stance within me of that I am the important person within the conversation and not the other person and so within this Gain nothing and Give nothing except keeping myself trapped in a bubble of illusion. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it HARD within myself to see myself as in fact equal to another human being/life, where I have accepted and allowed the judgment as back chat to exist within me of “ I am doing something different than the other person, I am doing things different,  am different, and this other person is just a normal person” and so I use this as I am more and important and this other normal person isn’t because they are normal, and so disconnect myself from reality here completely and distance myself from actually walking my process as myself real time with the other being and including them in my “different” and vice versa to come to a reality of what s best for all in fact. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to GIVE as little as possible through holding onto the idea/believe that I am important and so have to do less and give less. Thus seeing and realizing that I must be NOTHING and so I have everything to give as I have NOTHING to lose, as they believe and idea of I am important ONLY creates a fear of consistent loss on a physical and emotional level as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be as my value, and so my value is everything except one and equal as LIFE.

I fear that when I have nothing to lose, then there is nothing that can stop me from living fully as life (not the idea of life FYI) being careful here of ego again. 

I fear nothing when I have nothing to lose, and what I fear the most to lose is the idea of myself, the believe and these ideas and believes is what I value myself as through others, when my value is that of LIFE one and equal and walking in principle as who I am, then there is nothing to lose and only everything to give.

Day 645 – The Mathematics of Evolution

Please listen to this recording, then you will find my writings below. I write in this blog in Self-Forgiveness what comes up within me while listening to this video. What comes up can be different for everyone, so I suggest you also write in self-forgiveness what came up for you – this can be reactions, insights, revelations, realizations, judgments – any thoughts, feelings and emotions. 

What I got at first was hearing Bernard saying – everyone is For ever losing – I then realized that when we go deep enough into the word Evolution within the sound of the word and letters, we get to the word actually expressing everyone for ever losing.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see evolution as something great and magnificent, not seeing and realizing the implications of evolution as it is currently is that of the weak will perish and the strong will prevail, and so within that accepting and allowing abuse within MYSELF as always defining myself on the winning end of evolution and so justifying the abuse and death and destruction of all other life forms as simply being weak and so part of evolution – thus not seeing and realizing that within this Everyone is forever losing, as evolution will then never end and within the design and construct of evolution abuse is justified and even promoted. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply accept the theory of evolution as something natural and that cannot be directed, and so I am always a victim of evolution and must simply accept where the cookie crumbs fall as natural and part of evolution – NOT being real with myself within what is here as the HUMAN created systems that are unnatural and designed within a money construct of GREED and abuse of all life, and so Evolution running as a justification within that consideration is actually something the elite/rich and greedy like, as those that are suffering and being abused will accept the abuse and not stand up, as it will be justified in our own minds as simply us being weak and also being part of the evolution process – meantime it is a human system that is deliberately created to abuse for self-interest. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as HOW I am within my living/body within the construct of evolution, and accordingly classify myself as weak or strong, where I will justify my status within the theory of evolution through how much money I have, how good I look how much sex I get, how well I am doing in social groups, and so accordingly accept and allow abuse of myself and others. 

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to SEE and realize that evolution is ANYTHING that accumulates within the 1+1+1 mathematical equation and so what evolves on this planet has nothing to do with it being natural, but rather about what we accept and allow within ourselves and this world, and so we can direct and create a world that is best for all through stopping the mind/self-interest as ego, stand for and as ALL LIFE and to accumulate that instead to evolve.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed abuse in the name of evolution. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed justifications in the name of evolution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form self-limitations, judgements of myself and accordingly abuse myself in the name of evolution. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse others, to see and judge others as weak, as useless, as less, as inferior in the name of evolution. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create SEPARATION between all LIFE, humans, plants, animals and even the air I breath and so creating fear and abuse in the name of evolution. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to GIVE up on myself and others through giving into the theory of evolution as a way to escape self-responsibility and my response ability to al life as one as equals. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to place myself and others in certain boxes of judgement of who is weak, who is strong, who deserves to survive and who does not – showing and revealing to me that this is what I am accepting and allowing as evolution to accumulate and thus not natural by an actual deliberate act of creation that is evil, as if evil is the solution. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to When I look in the mirror, when I see the gift as my body, as my physical, t judge my body as either weak or strong, and so accepting and allowing according to my judgements of my body a certain position within myself within this world as being part of evolution, either as someone that deserves to suffer and die and be weak, or to be strong and must survive, and so accepting and allowing not only consequences of abuse within my own life, but have the same approach to all life, and thus accepting ad allowing abuse of all life, from the small creatures and children to the big.

I commit myself to stop the nonsense as no sense of the accepted and allowed theory of evolution as something that is natural, and to instead live the accumulation as the direction of evolution of LIFE as equality and oneness of all life and to evolve life from survival and abuse to living and to be of expression in a practical realistic manner that is BEST FOR ALL.

Day 608 - Stubbornness

Stubbornness

I have been a very stubborn person throughout my life, right up in people’s faces I would be stubborn, someone would offer me their help and I would say NO, I can do this by myself, or I would be struggling with something for weeks, even months, and I will NOT ask for help, because I must face this alone, I must get this all by myself.

Since I started walking my Desteni process, the tools and the material in all the blogs and vlogs and interviews has been challenging a whole different level of stubbornness within me.

I NEVER enjoyed anyone giving me the answer that is RIGHT, I would rather hold onto my own answer with my own added values that I see is the “right” way, even when I know it is just an opinion or a believe or idea – even when the answer given to me as the “right” answer has already been lived by someone and has already been proven by someone and can be explained to me in detail, whereas I with my answer cannot, I will hold onto my answer, being stubborn, unwilling to give up MY way as my Ego, going where my energy is, and not letting GO of it and taking on humility and seeing the new information as it is and to actually apply myself. NO, I would rather struggle for weeks and months and then learn it by myself, maybe. Or I would rather be stuck in MY WAY forever than rather giving it up and letting the ego GO.

This has changed a lot during my time walking with Desteni, and I have seen almost immediate improvements in my life, first of all, I learned that I am alone yet together alone with other people. Secondly if someone else gives me an answer that is “right” compared to mine, It doesn’t mean they see me as less, in fact it means they see me as more and that’s why the answer or new information is provided, because the other person wishes for me to be my utmost potential and for me to stop struggling within myself, yet with stubbornness that struggle can be very real and LONG.

Thirdly, I realized how much I reacted towards other people challenging my IDEA I have of myself, and how this challenge that others are giving me puts up this WALL of stubbornness and where I now MUST be more clever, or have a correct answer, or one that is even MORE better and saying those things as to show the other people I do not need your advice or help, which is again stubbornness, unwillingness to change, unwilling to admit that my way isn’t the way, and that if someone gives me a different way that takes out all the struggling, then I can simply take it – BUT NO, stubborn people, as myself want to be special, you see. Stubborn people want to be able to say SEE I did it all by myself, therefore I have all the credit, I was right, I am the winner of ME, but really?

This stubborn point has been challenged within me to its utmost through starting my Desteni Process, to be humble, to not be the all-knowing person, to be the inflexible self-righteous person that is always in conflict with everyone because LOOK I have a better answer, look I am saying this, YOU didn’t have to, I didn’t need any help from yo, even when what I say was inspired fom the other person, I mold it to my own.

one of the biggest stubborn indicators is to be part of a group, to walk as a group and within one principle, because then there is no MY way. it is best for all always, the group comes first. 

And this character can be sneaky, I have noticed how I can even listen to someone and SEE what they are saying and how it makes sense, and the practicality within what they are saying is HERE, yet I will walk away from such a conversation and then I will go in myself – ok, let me IMPROVE this what I was given and make it even better, and this I do because if I change what was told to me or what I heard, into my OWN version, then I can use it and tell the other person I still did it all by myself, LOOK I have an even better way of saying it, of doing it, I found this way, not you, I didn’t need your help. The stubborn character LOVES credit for itself no matter what, as long as someone else wasn’t right or helping or giving better information than the stubborn character.

I will be going into the stubborn character in more detail within my next blog through self-forgiveness.

You are just a stupid Child Day 4 of 21 (day 589)

An interesting memory came up today, I first had shoulder pain, so I asked my partner to just touch my shoulders, so that I can see what information was within my shoulders as it is being release, so as I stood there and my partner pressed on my shoulders for a minute, I got a pain in my neck on the left side, which showed me a point of expression and the shoulders was burdened and self-judgement, as I was breathing, I saw a memory coming up, as this memory came up and I started talking about it my shoulders started relaxing and the pain in my neck, but the points are still there. So here I go with the memory. 

This memory isn’t very specific, it is many memories blurred into one experience within me, like the impression of my entire childhood, where the impression I got as a child living and expressing myself was that everything or anything I wanted to just do, that was different, that wasn’t “normal” was seen as me just being a child, and the definition of a child in general society, especially in my county, is that a child is stupid, so I got the “feeling” always that I was stupid, in adequate – that I must rather listen to the adults and do as they say, do as they do and then I will be seen as intelligent, as good enough, as smart. YET, I had a conflict within me to why can’t I do what I want to do and express that. 

Now this has become part of me as an adult, where I now always feel when I am doing something different, outside of the “norms” of what other adults are doing, that I am stupid, that I do not know what I am doing, that I am just messing around, that I am not serious, that I am just going through a phase, that I will come to my senses later on, that what I am doing is a joke. 

This created a massive ego problem later on as an adult, where I as an adult become very aggressive, very angry, and I want to PROVE what I am doing isn’t stupid, that I know what I am doing, that this isn’t just a phase, that I am capable, and so I become a very sensitive person actually, very emotional, where anyone that might challenge me to make me experience myself as that child again, will trigger some nasty shit, some fire being thrown at them. And this makes me a very reactive and unpleasant person to be around, even though what I am presenting as my face and behavior is calm and cool and confident, all this is a manipulation technique developed to “keep face” as a way of showing the world that world was wrong, the world here being the adults, their believes, their cultures, their “ways” and so forth, and so I become very stubborn over time, very difficult to change anything within me, as I fear losing this life long battle as me as the child against the adults. 

Even now where I am an adult, I still see myself as a Child that is fighting the adults, that is here to prove the adults wrong, and this creates a lot of stress, tension and a massive Burden that I have created for myself to carry and to accomplish for myself, as I am always walking in-between winning or losing, never walking actually in stability as this is a polarity based “game” that I have created within me, and as a teenager did rebel, did attempt to break up my family and relationships in abusive emotional ways. 

And so the battle of the Ego’s commenced for eternity, where both sides perceive themselves as the good side, yet each opposite sees the other side as the evil, and thus a losing battle begun of knowledge and information, who is right and who is wrong, completely missing common sense, self-honesty and the physical reality, as the it is and can only be a battle of MIND as energy and a winner and a loser. 

Lol where to begin the Self forgiveness?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight adults or people that I see as “adults” and to within this fighting which can come through as general speaking want to “win” the conversation as to feel that I am not stupid, that I am not lacking, that I am not in the wrong and to make the adults feel like they are in the wrong and to make them feel as if they are a child that is stupid. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear feeling or experiencing myself as a stupid child where I am corrected or said to be wrong or to not be taken seriously. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being taken seriously even when I am within all seriousness expressing myself, yet I believe and perceive that people see me still as a child. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how others perceive me and to within this perception they have of me hold that against me within anything I do or say and where this perception of me that I believe people have of me is always negative, as inferior, as less than, as just Gian being funny. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be concerned of what others people have as a perception of me within their minds and to act within that concern and to always wanting to proof that concern that I have wrong to others, when in fact I am actually attempting to proof myself wrong, as the concern is existent within me as my experience. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be concerned about how people see me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire that people always see me as only the best qualities that is that of right and intelligent and wise and full of knowledge. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the perception of myself as not being smart to exist within me as a conflict within me that I have with myself where I am always fighting myself and attempting to proof to myself that I am smart, yet finding this impossible as I am fighting a believer of myself that I am not smart which will always be there no matter how smart I get, and thus my smartness will never be enough. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as stupid and not capable and to within this self-judgement FEAR that others will judge me the same, or see that I am judging myself as that and then take advantage of that judgement I have of myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the experience I had a “just being a child” to take hold and effect on me throughout my life and to infect everything I as an experience of never being enough, of never being creative or an individual that can express himself, and to within that always Blame those that I have deemed as being responsible for my experience and who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and hold an impression of my childhood experiences within me of that I am not normal, as just being a child, as stupid, inadequate, not capable, not serious, that I must always listen to adults, and do as adults say, those with “experience” and that have lived longer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the impressions I got from family, society, that I am not smart, that I am not intelligent, that I am not good enough, and to within this form an inner conflict within myself of self-hatred, where I started blaming and judging myself for “missing” all those things and so always fight with myself within myself and started developing self-hatred and anger issues also towards others that would make me experience myself as all those things that I am “missing” and take the fight/conflict outward to make the other person/people feel the same way as me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make others feel the same way as I experience myself just to get back at them, as to blame them for what I have accepted and allowed to exist within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I communicate with other people over the internet or in real life, to always have a defense system up where I am ready to protect myself for in case I am challenged in the fear of feeling like a stupid child again. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to exist as the insecurity of and as a child of and as the system definition of a child, instead of standing by my physical child as the confidence of ME as the physical, and to within this separate myself from the expression of the physical into the mind as a energy program that works/function on polarities as reactions, as winning and losing, and to within this create a religion of myself that I must fight for, that I must protect, where I am in fact always only protecting the ideas/believes/opinions of myself of being a stupid child and never actually changing myself as the problem within me through corrective living. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto having to fight everyone in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the idea that I must defend myself against everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the idea/believe that I must always prove myself to everyone or I will lose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the fear of losing, where I believe that if I have to even lose in a conversation or in a talk or any form of communication with others or the world or where I do not know something yet, that I am less, that I am not worthy of life, of being me, or expressing me, and that I should rather then shut up and sit in the corner as I was taught to do in school. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold back on my expression and common sense in the fear of that anyone might challenge it, and that I might have been wrong and need to re-look at what I looked at and to within this actually only fear knowing my ego and that I will be unwilling to admit I have missed a point and so rather not express myself in the fear of facing all my ego points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear confrontation as I fear feeling like a child that is stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be able to right now as I am, know everything in existence before I can express myself, seeing and realizing that this comes from the ego point of fearing being wrong, losing and thus I want to prepare myself to ONLY win, and so I lose all common sense and rather focusing on knowledge and information as reason as weapons to defend myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for doing something different than what adults advised me to do, where I fear that the adults will laugh at me and see me as being stupid and funny again and thus not being taken serious. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make this “being taken seriously” such a big point where I can actually become possessed by anger and wanting control people and events for the sake of feeling that I am being taken seriously. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to add so much value of who I am within needing to be taken seriously. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I must take myself seriously first and even when I do take myself serious to take it kindheartedly, where I attach nothing personal to what I say and do, but to walk it within principle, within self-honesty and common sense, to simply always make sure that I am checking my words to be within common sense, supportive and best for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be tense within myself expecting the worse responses from people within what I do and what I stand for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be tense within myself when and as I am being serious, seeing and realizing that I am tense because I am writing from the starting point of “people MUST take this what I am saying serious or there will be shit” and to within this place heavy expectations on myself through how I have placed the word in writing or speaking and thus create a In Tenseness within me through how I have placed the sentences that now hold me to them and their expectations as the intentions I had behind them, which was and is still based on self-interest to PROOF myself to others as being serious, instead of my starting point being clear, a realization and insight of a real moment as a living being walking within Principle and expressing the insight, realization as is and to not ADD on the extra bit that comes from where I believe I am lacking and requires to WIN and seen as serious and thus always exaggerate my words to make up for what I believe I am lacking. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT check myself in slow motion breathing and what is HERE as personality and to stop and all personality/character that interFEAR with what I have seen as a realization or insight and where the message remains clear and thus supportive for all one and equal as the physical, no mind added, no secret agenda, no tail, no intention, no Bias. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cast aside simplicity, direct hereness, seeing and to add biased messages and values within my words that supports the mind, as my characters, personalities that are always from and as a negative starting point, even if the message is “positive”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see a person say something or comment on something which contains a lot of information and knowledge to cast aside my simplicity and t take what the person has said as a personal attack/challenge to see if I can beat this person, if I can win with my knowledge and information and so chase away people, and so create wards and fight and conflicts that are unnecessary and very personal and not what is best for all life, and not for myself, or I would not have had any personal connections to my words as they are as and for all life, and not for a personal agenda. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tense up as I am about to say something in the fear of saying the wrong things that makes me sound and seem like a loser and thus not win, instead of breathing and trusting my simplicity, my direct seeing, my common sense and to speak that no matter how I “think” others will receive it, as long as I check my words and know they are clear and in alignment with what’s best for all life, expression common sense, expressing NO emotion, no feelings no personal attachments that then contaminates and renders the message useless. 

I commit myself to when and as I see I am about to speak, type, write or do any form of communication, to check myself, to slow down, to remove all emotion, feelings and to forgive what is here behind my starting point for wanting to do what I am about to do, to stabilize myself and not rush into battle and to check my words, my common sense, my self-honesty and to write the words that are clear and to not attach any personal value where I feel what I am saying will give or remove any value from me, as the value of my words must stand within common sense, self-honesty and that stand in the physical and needs NO fighting, no argument, no personality, NO bias.