Day 497 – be visible - no more fear

I have recently realized that fEAR is what keeps me invisible, fear of living and expressing myself in the small moments that present themselves with opportunity, but instead I will fEAR – Fuck HERE, I am in my mind, I want to remain save, I do not want to do something that can expose me and make my fear invalid. I want to rather remain within the Fear of what is here, and what is here is POTENTIAL, and I fear potential, I do not fear the actual change, I fear admitting to myself that I haven’t been living my utmost potential deliberalty, I fear that I will have to face myself in shame and humility.

Have you ever noticed, when the moment is here, that slight “feeling” inside of you that is ready to just come out and live what is best for all , to go beyond the annoying frustrating you that you have been accepting and allowing to control you every moment, to spoil your every moment, and then the moment passes, and you know that this moment will present itself again in the future, you motivate yourself, you say NEXT time I wILL do it, but next time comes and FEAR stands in your way – the fear that is you do this now, then you are proving to yourself that you could have done it last time, then you prove to the world that you could have done this a long time ago, but never didn’t, fear of exposing yourself, fear of actually taking your potential that is always here and living it.

But I have realized that this only happens, this fear of that change in the moment, as long as the starting point of change is coming from outside, it is really simple, just move that starting point to self, doing it for self, and do it, self as LIFE, self as the utmost potential, Not because of others or someone else that will see it, if you do it for you, it is amazing, it is real, it is something that does not hold guilt or regret, it does not come with external expectations, just self-living the potential that is here, and this potential is still the learning phase, as you have never really lived it, so it takes time to perfect it, but as long as self’s starting point is doing it for self as LIFE as what is best for all life, then the practice will be here, it isn’t coming, it is HERE, it is the moment, take it, do the little bit of extra effort that is required and push the point that s here for YOU, because in the end we will all face LIFE and we all have to stand, if the world makes it or not, each person living and standing up for LIFE in oneness and equality as what is best for all life, is doing so FOR LIFE as self. In death or in life we must remain the same, to change this world and to change this existence we need to stand, no matter what.

So the point is to become visible for self as self and those with ears will hear, those with eyes will see, those who are ready will not follow but stand with – Being visible within standing for what is best for all life isn’t something that is forced, it isn’t stuffed down other peoples thoughts, it is YOU living the example in moment, small moments, who you are, the defining moments, the moments we take for granted, it isn’t standing in front of masses and preaching, it isn’t screaming out something and hoping people will follow, it is for self to first become visible to self, be self-honest, make that visibility you and for you first to live what is best for all life, and this visibility will make self-visible for all to see.

Be like water, purified water, it is visible and transparent, it flows where ever it can go, it does not stop for anything in its path, it finds a way around, it keeps moving to find the end result that is best for all.
Remember to relax and breathe, write and forgive yourself, embrace best for all in each and every moment and let that be your starting point, live without fear, when you embrace living what’s best for all in common sense and practicality and self-honesty – suddenly fear becomes so small and even disappear, and embracing self becomes the new experience, as self then decide, have you ever imagined how you will live if fear dint exist within you, in no corner of your beingness.

Join the Detseni Forums and stand.

Listen to Eqafe and learn and gain understanding and much more.

Day 236 – Childhood Memories and Emotional Body Final.

Here I will write out commitments that are practical to live and apply when and as such points come up that I walked through in the previous blogs.

Day 231 - emotional Body and childhood memory Part 3.1

Day 232 – Part 3.2 of Emotional Body and Childhood Memory.

Day 233 – Childhood memory and Emotional Body Part 3.3

Day 234 - Childhood memory and emotional body part 3.4 

 Day 235 – Childhood Memory and Emotional Body Part 3.6

I commit myself to when and as I am applying a new task that seem like it will require of me to do more than the usual within moving my body and using physical strength/stamina/endurance, To Not participate in any thoughts that might come up and to not give any thoughts/feelings/emotions validation/attention, within the understanding and realization that the thoughts/feelings/emotions inst real and only the past imposing on the present to keep myself enslaved and limited as to satisfy the mind as energy, and to instead BREATHE and focus here on the physical within my every movement, my breathe and the detail of me here in the flesh, as that is real and not being crippled by the mind through beliefs/ideas/opinions/judgments.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself go into the thoughts to Breathe and to focus on the breathe – within the understanding and realization that it will be a deliberate act and not something easy, as it will be me as the physical WILLING and CHOOSING for real to not be a slave to the mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions that I have accepted and allowed as normal all my life and thus it will be something that requires deliberate actions against pre-programming.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself participating in the new tasks at hand within thoughts/feelings/emotions that cripples the flesh/body as me, to NOT judge myself or go into more thoughts/feelings/emotions about it and to instead keep it real and simple and breathe to bring myself back here as that which is real and can be physically confirmed by me and every else as the physical.

I commit myself to when and as I experience a sudden emotional breakdown, to NOT make it real and to not FEAR it, but to instead within the realization that it is being experienced as it is because of me giving thoughts/feelings/emotions (mostly emotions in this case) attention and validation over many years and that I never dealt with it and now it is being forced out of me out of the flesh through the actions/activity I am doing and that It is okay to let it go, and to not make it important, and to breathe as the stabilizing point, to then go and write out the experience and everything that I experienced in detail to lay it out for myself and to see what it is, and to then Forgive myself and to give myself a new slate, a new breathe to start over and walk what is best for all life as myself.

I commit myself to when and as I write about past experiences or experiences that just occurred, to check that I am actually within the writing for myself being honest with myself and to breathe while I write it out to see clearly how it all happens and why so that I cannot hide from myself anymore and repeat the past over and over simply because I belief that what is happening to me is something bigger than me and all it is really is me not understanding how it all works and how I created it myself.

I commit myself to when and as I write about the past in self forgiveness to check my starting point and to breathe and clear myself from any mind influences that has an agenda, and to change my starting within the understanding and realization that I am doing this to in fact forgive myself and to not hold it against myself and to give to myself a new clean slate to live the correction and to take self responsibility for any and all consequences I have already created as myself fully.

Day 235 – Childhood Memory and Emotional Body Part 3.6

Continuing from:

Day 231 - emotional Body and childhood memory Part 3.1

Day 232 – Part 3.2 of Emotional Body and Childhood Memory.

Day 233 – Childhood memory and Emotional Body Part 3.3

Day 234 - Childhood memory and emotional body part 3.4

I am continuing from this sentence from the previous blog
“So as time moves on and these situation happen over and over again and I keep on accepting and allowing these thoughts/feelings/emotions to exist and come up within me they start to compound more and more and create layers after layers within my physical body, as the information is stored within the body.

This eventually created my body as one big compounded emotional body.,”
So seeing this point I can see for instance when I do something that will trigger that memory/experience that ALL the layers suddenly hit me, like a wave of emotions.

Looking at the word emotion I see that there is a “E” and what do we all know is known as “E”, it is a reference to XTC – and ETC is a energetic experience, and within this we have the word motion, so it is a motion of experiences that come over self.

And now after years of participating within this same experience as the emotions/thoughts/feelings it makes the motion of the energetic experience BIGGER, and within this when I for instance do pushups and meet my limits and want to do more but cant – then these emotions comes over me and I experience a emotional breakdown within my body, where I will fall down to the ground and my arms just cannot push up anymore –this shows how I have given power to the thoughts/emotions/feelings over my body that it can actually take me down, YET it isn’t even real.

It is like giving the body a electrical shock that I created myself, and then I blame my body for being weak, when in the meanwhile it wasn’t the body at all, it was the mind that forced the beliefs/ideas/opinions as thoughts/feelings/emotions onto the body.

I can see within writing this out how thoughts/feelings/emotions is only limitation, as I see that any thoughts/feeling/emotion that I have compromises the body within its actual functionality, it reduces the body to being less.

Secondly what i see within writing this out is that there are consequences that no one is aware of that can manifest from participating within thoughts/feelings/emotions, because as I can see that I have always only accepted and allowed the emotional turmoil’s within me, and then years later I end up with a emotional problem and heavy self judgments that leads to be abusing my body and so many other things, and then my actions that is only mine but yet part of the whole effects the whole, and then there are millions of me’s doing the same thing every day without understanding anything about thoughts/feelings/emotions, let alone where they come from, how they created it, why the created it and how to stop them.

To be continued on self corrective statements.

Day 235 – Childhood Memory and Emotional Body Part 3.5

This is a continuation of:

Day 231 - emotional Body and childhood memory Part 3.1

Day 232 – Part 3.2 of Emotional Body and Childhood Memory.

Day 233 – Childhood memory and Emotional Body Part 3.3

Day 234 - childhood memory and emotional body Part 3.4

What have I seen and realized thus far within the Self forgiveness I have done in the previous blogs. I have seen that through and within my childhood years I have been raised to compete with other Humans.

The starting point within competing with other humans is to WIN, there are always only two options when competing, this is Win or Lose and it does not matter how many are participating, there can always only be one winner and the rest are losers.

Through competition in childhood years that is taught to us children is done with specific intentions – these intentions are imposed onto the children from the adults through their behavior and words.

So once each child has Identified the behavior/words from the adults to why the child must compete and what is expected within competing from the child, the child has now created multiple dimension within such a point, mainly fear, because no matter what is imposed onto the child to compete and why the one point that is always the same is do NOT lose, or rather we hope you do not lose.

So now as the child has been taught to compete from the starting point of fear the child starts creating inner conflict – this is thoughts/feelings/emotions – and since a child is never taught what thoughts/feelings/emotions are they are left with it to themselves to do with it what they want.

This is where the child will start to compare himself to other children, and within this comparison at a physical level Judge him/her self accordingly. And according to the judgment that is done from a observation with the starting point of fear as to will the child be able to compete and win with the other humans, the child not starts creating Emotions or feelings towards the thoughts of comparison.

The comparison happens at a physical level of integration when there is competition and some Physical bodies that mature faster or slower will be compared with the child him/her self and it will be classified as winners and losers within the mind.

So within my example that I have walked within these blogs I can see that I have taken place in physical activities where the motivation was to compete to win from the starting point of fear which came from those that has gone before me, and within this physical participation of competition I have created memories, the memories is created from. within certain events/scenarios that took place where there was certain impressions given to me from my physical world and the people, and according to their physical impressions I experience myself a certain way dependent on the impressions given to me, either happy/excited adults, or sad/angry adults, and accordingly I create either emotions or feelings, emotions is that of negative and feeling is that of positive.

So now what the physical activity has taken place and the memories have been created from certain events/moments that impressions was given to me on how I am doing within competing I now create thoughts.

The thoughts will come up as a reaction, a response to certain events/scenarios/moments where competition is involved and the thoughts will be to either create or to avoid certain things – as the thought is me looking back at a memory and taking a moment of that memory and reflecting it back to myself in my mind, then I will either have a negative experience or positive experience.

Taking my example again within these blogs and what it is about I see that I have mostly created emotional energetic charges within me, as the memories I have of the past from which the thoughts come from was mostly me Losing and then facing the impressions from everyone around me in their words and behaviors, and accordingly I made those impressions something I want to avoid.

So I use the thoughts that is like a warning sign for me to not want to experience that again or the other way, those emotions – so when and as I do participate within physical activities that is of competition it is within fear which is already a negative emotion, and then if I lose within the competition there is more fear, because now I have already had the thought of what I want to avoid and then the thought becomes reality again because I did not avoid it, that in itself is already more fear and more self judgment, more suppression's and self hatred, then there is more impressions coming from the adults once I face them in my Lost and being a failure and not good enough.

So as time moves on and these situation happen over and over again and I keep on accepting and allowing these thoughts/feelings/emotions to exist and come up within me they start to compound more and more and create layers after layers within my physical body, as the information is stored within the body.

This eventually created my body as one big compounded emotional body.,

To be continued. This is getting more and more specific, stay tuned.

Day 234 - childhood memory and emotional body Part 3.4

 This is a continuation of:

Day 231 - emotional Body and childhood memory Part 3.1

Day 232 – Part 3.2 of Emotional Body and Childhood Memory.

Day 233 – Childhood memory and Emotional Body Part 3.3

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child belief that I am less than an inferior to other kids because I could not compete with them in the physical tasks/activities.

Ok so now I am going to look at the specific backchat that comes up when and as I apply myself within doing certain physical activities such as running or playing rugby or lifting weights or any other activity that requires me to do something more than usual that pushes me beyond my physical comfort zone.

Back chat.
Why am I so weak?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I do a physical activity that is out of the usual that I find difficult to accept and allow the back chat of “why am I so weak” to exist within me, instead I see and realize that if I stop the back chat and instead Breathe that I will have focus and thus more strength to do the activity as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as the back chat of “why am I so weak” come up within me that this back chat is charging energy within me where I push myself down and break myself down with my own words, which leads to me having an emotional breakdown while doing such an activity and quite before I ever actually really tried.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to break myself down though accepting and allowing the back chat of “why am I so weak” to exist and come up within me with the intention of me hurting myself emotionally as a way of punishing myself for not being as strong as the others that I have judged and compared myself to as being more and better than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I have the back chat “why am I so weak” that the back chat is speaking towards a certain thought I have within my mind of the past where I have compared myself to others, and thus seeing and realizing that the back chat is a reaction to the thought that then confirms the thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I am about to do a physical activity/task that is required of me to do that I first bring the past here of where I have judged others as being stronger than me or better than me and that they would be able to do the task, and to within this comparison make my starting point for doing the task to see if I can be better, and so when and as I do the task and I see that I am failing at the task to then have the back chat coming up of “why am I so weak” still reacting to the thought I first had and then to create a energetic experience of emotions within me of weakness and powerlessness within me as I take my entire past of many years of having these thoughts and back chat and emotions/feelings within me and bring it all together in one moment as a final judgment where I tell myself I haven’t changed a bit I am still weak and will probably always be weak and to then experience a emotional breakdown where I for instance suddenly collapse within the activity or give up and create such an activity/task as a point to avoid and something I don’t like doing.

End of back chat point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I am less than the physical tasks that other children can do and I can not, seeing and realizing that I have already judged myself and created thoughts/feelings/emotions within myself of and towards the task where I fail, thus I see and realize that i first have to breathe and stop all thoughts/feeling/emotions I have created towards the task and then to do it and to see what is here and what is real or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that if and when I compare myself with others and what they are capable and to judge myself as not being capable within my mind already before I have even tried it, that I will compromise myself within the task and not in fact see if I am capable or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I observe others within doing certain tasks and to within the observation compare myself with them and to within this create thoughts where I see myself either doing the task better than them or worse than them dependent on how I have judge the task as easy or hard and to within this create a line for myself of where I create points within my life of what I am comfortable with doing and what I avoid doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breathe and to see what is here within new tasks and to instead go into the mind where the beliefs/ideas/opinions I have over a certain task influences me and how I do the task on a emotional lever first and then a physical level as the emotions effect the body according to what I belief.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being less than others when and as I see that I cannot physically compete with them, and to within this create a emotional feeling of being inferior to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with other children and their physical bodies and what they are capable of and that I am not, instead of focusing on what I can do and to better and perfect myself within what I am capable of.

Day 233 – Childhood memory and Emotional Body Part 3.3

Day 233 – Childhood memory and Emotional Body Part 3.3

continuing from:

Day 231 - emotional Body and childhood memory Part 3.1

Day 232 – Part 3.2 of Emotional Body and Childhood Memory.

The comfort zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going out of my comfort zone as having to do something that I do not like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing what I do not like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking myself as my body into uncomfortable situations where I have to move my body and use my body and be here as my body to do such tasks, seeing and realizing within this statement that I am actually just to lazy to do something more then my regular accepted and allowed pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the fear of doing something outside of my comfort zone is not within the actual physical acts of doing the task//activity, but that it is the experience of emotional energy within me that I fear experiencing,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist going where it is uncomfortable for me within physical activities/tasks simply because of the energetic experience I have attached to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the energetic emotional experience that I fear experiencing within doing the physical activity/task is actually me fearing experiencing myself as the past again, as me within my memories of when I was a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not look at the point that I am still that child and that I have simply now avoided me as that child and how I have experienced myself in the past through avoiding physical activities that is remotely the same that I know will bring up the experience of me that I fear facing as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as a child and what I experienced, seeing and realizing that as long as I avoid facing me as the child where I created these emotions and feelings and experiences within me and accepted and allowed them to be me, that I will always give the childhood experiences dominance over my life within what I do and do not do, what I like and dislike and so create my own prison of likes and dislikes as limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as me as the child where I was powerless to the emotions I had within doing certain physical events/activities/tasks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing physical points within reality of where I face the back chat of “I cannot do this” and “I do not want to do this” as me giving up on myself as I did when and as I was a child where I made these experiences points to avoid within me and so fear them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see points within my world that I need to attend that is out of the regular pattern of comfort-ability to have the thoughts of seeing myself being in discomfort and not enjoying myself, to then have the back chat of - “I do not want to do this” and ‘I can not do this” as trigger points for the resistance fear/emotional experience that is of my childhood to then activate the behavior within me to physically try and avoid having to do it or to get away from doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when a point comes up within reality where I need to move out of my comfort zone as to having to do something more then the regular daily pattern to go into thoughts of the future of how I may experience myself and feel while doing so, seeing and realizing that this is the past experiences of me as my childhood that I have taken and simply projected it into the future again in fear of creating that experience again, thus seeing and realizing that I must stop the thoughts and breathe and direct myself in and as breathe and be here in the present moment, to stop creating the past over and over again as my fears.

To be continued.

Day 232 – Part 3.2 of Emotional Body and Childhood Memory.

This is a continuation of Day 231 – Emotional Body and Childhood Memory Part 3.1

Self-Forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear new tasks that is asked of me to do, within the belief that I will not be able to do it.

Why do I fear new tasks?

I for forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself as my failures and to within that create a point of fear within me towards the general point of new tasks.

How do I fear new tasks?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I fear new tasks to instead of facing such fear within taking the task on, create a resistance towards any and all new tasks and judge it as not for me and that it isn’t what I do as a way of escaping the point to never face it, as I have not created a character that Fear new tasks that is asked of me that will require me to do more.

Continue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I will be when and as I fail a task.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of failing a task.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I have identified myself as, as the experience of when I fail, as being all emotional and crying and experiencing myself as that, seeing and realizing that I can decide who I am in each breathe and that as long as I keep repeating the past within me I will create it so in reality, instead of breathing and giving myself a new clean slate.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as emotional and weak and incapable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and avoid any and all tasks that require me to push myself beyond the beliefs I have of myself as I fear that once I push myself I can not handle it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being pushed either by myself or others as the pushing itself already is a indication that to me that I cannot do it myself and require help which to me is a indication that I am incapable.

New memory – “Being Bullied in Grade two (8 years old in a new school) I am pushed around on the stairs and falling down, with three younger guys (7 years old) laughing at me while pulling me on the floor and pushing me down on the ground and feeling powerless and confusion to what happening, till I cried and they stopped as other’s intervened.” For new Blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when and as I am being pushed by myself or others that it is a indication of disbelieve within them towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret being pushed as being a indication from everyone else that I am not capable and to within this create the fear of not being capable and that it will only confirm within others that I am not capable if I fail and thus feel less and inferior even before the task is done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within participating within the mind as interpretations of what others are saying to me to create thoughts of projections of me failing and not being good enough, and to within this create the negative energetic experience of fear and anxiety within myself towards what has to come.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself according to what I think and belief others think and belief of me, instead of focusing on what needs to be done in and as breathe and see what is here and do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a failure within my mind way before anything has even happened, never giving myself a chance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and belief failure to be Bad, due to programming within the system of the current world that is based on winners and losers and that it should determine who we are, never giving us the chance to actually learn and the mind created expectation is based on that you only have one chance and that is it. seeing and realizing that within an equal money system failure will be okay and that it will be a point of learning as nothing within an equal money system will determine your life or future based on if you win or lose, be rich or poor to have a life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when and as I am asked by others to do a task that seems extreme within my mind and that requires physical durability and strength to belief and feel that I am being abused, seeing and realizing that it is only the mind taking reality and interpreting reality and thus it isn’t what is seems to be in fact and cannot be trusted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the energetic emotion of feeling abused to having to do things for others where it is required that I have to push my body into uncomfortable situation to accomplish these expectations other have of me and where for a moment I will not enjoy myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not se and realize that because I have had a comfortable life where I always could decide what to do and when I want to do it or if I want to or not that when something is asked of me that requires me to go out of my comfort zone.

To be continued.

Day 231 - emotional Body and childhood memory Part 3.1

I am nine years old , grade 3 – I am being encouraged to take on a athletic event, it is a running event and it requires me to run 2 kilometers, to me within my understanding 2 kilometers are quite a long distance, I am told that it isn’t, I insist that I do not want to do it, I am once again told that I can do it since I have done it before when I was eight years old.

The elders do not give up on the “wanting” for me to run in this athletic event, they belief it is part of my potential, because my father used to be a good runner in his days, this is implying that I should be a good runner just like my father.

I stick to not running, I am at school and I hear the other kids talk about who is going to run and who isn’t, I hear a specific kid saying that he is going to run, I can’t believe he is going to run, he is quite over weight and seems like he will get tired pretty quick and quite in the long distance race, I feel challenged and that I should also be able to do this if he can.

I am at home, I tell the elders that I will do the long distance race, they are happy, they tell me many things, of which one is that my father was a great runner and that this means it is in my genes and I will find it to be easy.

My best friend is also going to do the race, he keeps telling me that running 2 kilometers is nothing, it will be a quick race, I feel inferior to him and that he can claim such a thing when I cannot, I am in fear and anxious of the race, I hate it when the gun shot goes off and all the kids start to run, some are in the front and some are in the back, I am always in between in such events, if it is long distance or short, I always feel like I can fall behind anytime or just give up, while the rest can continue, they must be stronger than me and better naturally, I must be missing something.

It is required of me to practice on a weekly base, for two weeks I train, the training isn’t that hard, it is basically running a few laps everyday and doing a lot of stretching, the training actually makes the race seem like it will not be that hard.

The teacher that trains us says that the race is the same distance as running five times around the “rugby” field, this startled me and at the same time my mind interpreted it as not much, but in training sessions we only go around twice.

The day has come of the event, I am dressed up and I am at the point and time of the race, there are thousands of people, parents/families with the runner being the center of attention, everyone is competing with everyone, even the families with each other, who’s kid is better then who’s, I feel it is my responsibility to make my elders proud and to make this race happen.

As I am standing around I feel that I do not want to do it, I go to my parents and say I do not want to do the race, both my parents sitting in chairs they brought to watch me run stare at me – they say: we are already here and you trained, why not give it a try, I did not want to do it, the anxiety in my stomach was to big and over whelming, the pressure of competing was getting to me, I do not like competing.

My parents made a deal with me, they told me that if I run and finish the race that they will buy me a frozen drink, they were selling it all around, this drink is literally two rands, I did not have that money back then and anything seemed as a good idea, I said okay I will do it for that.

I walked away and stood around, then came a girl from school, she was smiling and saying hi to me, I secretly liked her but she never knew, she then asked me If I am running today – I felt this energy rush, I could proudly say YES I am running today, like it gave me meaning and like I am a capable guy, I am doing something many others aren’t doing today, and I could tell this girl I am doing it.

She then said okay good luck and we both just stood there, I then heard the announcement for my age group to gather on the field and give our names in for the race.

As I stood on the field waiting in line my friend also joined in, he seemed so calm and like he actually wanted to do this, he then asked me if I am ready, I said yes with a fake confidence to seem like I am equal to his standing.

We got our names in and we were all standing in line, at least a hundred kids my age, the person started talking and I heard a gunshot – Off we all go, the race has started.

I am running to stay with my friend, but he is simply faster, I even saw a kid younger than me running with us and taking me over, a lot of kids are bumping into each other and trying to get ahead of each other, we hardly started and I am already tired, I just want to stop, I can’t see anyone I know around me anymore, they are all gone, I am left running on my own and I know I am not in front, I basically already lost.

I do not know the road, there are people standing around with red flags showing me the way to where I must go, it leads into a field, there is no one, I have no idea how far I am from the finish line or if I am the only one left, I continue running, I see up ahead there is a kid, it is the other kid from my class that I could not belief were also going to run, he is walking and out of breathe, I take him over, I feel proud that I could beat him at least, he starts to run again as I pass him, I pace myself to not lose my small win for the day.

I get a cramp in my stomach ad I am tired, I want to stop, it is now a uphill run, I never trained for this at all, I see I am getting back to the area we started off at, I run in-between the bushes and meet up with other tired kids there still running, I feel good that I could catch up, but no matter what could not over take them, they were just in front of me the whole time.

We reach the rugby field where we started off, I feel so fucking happy, I see the finish line, as I get closer I start to walk, I am to tired, as I get to the finish line the person tells me that I still have to run around the field twice and then I am done.

My parents are screaming for me on the side and the girl I spoke to, I do not hear them, I see them but do not hear them, I am completely emotion – I have to do this for two more rounds before I am done.

I start running, I don’t want to, that all that is going through my head, I am feeding the emotions, like I am being forced, I am being abused, it is unfair, I don’t want to, why does no one understand that I do not want to, the last thought that comes through my mind is, If i do not finish this I will not get that iced drink my parents said I can have if I finish.

I am half way through the first round, I decided to stop, I will not continue, I started walking towards my parents, they are screaming at me and saying, you must finish, I start running again, I feel broken, my body isn’t supporting this, I am almost done, I have to run a hundred meters more.

I start to cry, I scream out I can’t do it, I can’t do it, I don’t want to do it, I am emotionally wrecked, my body wants to collapse, I fall on my knees, EVERYONE is watching me and hearing me and I don’t give a shit, my parents scream, just a little bit more GIAN, just a little bit more, the game does not matter to me anymore, I run off the field crying straight towards my parents, I had to literally run 50 more meters and I would have finished, But I did not.

My parents did not comfort me as I entered their presence, they left me to cry and to remain in the emotional state, they were to embarrassed to support me at that moment and I did not know what to do with myself.

We packed our things and we left, I did not get that iced drink. I left the field knowing that I never want to experience that again, it was horrible, it was disastrous, I hated that whole day and the whole experience, I am wondering who will remember me for how I acted out on the field, I felt ashamed and like a loser to the rest, everyone could finish it except me.
Next up self forgiveness.

Day 223 – Resistance to Learn from others.

I have had this Idea/Belief of myself that I must learn and discover and find things out for myself, I do this because I fear that if I learn it from someone I will only prove to myself that I can’t learn it myself, I am incapable of seeing what the other person is already seeing.

Thus I have created a resistance within me towards reading/ listening and learning from others, I have created a mental state of mind within myself where if I am learning form someone else through listening to them - and what they say makes complete sense (common sense) I only judge myself the whole time as being less than the other person.

When I do listen to someone through talking or reading their blogs, I feel that what I am reading cannot be taken serious because I did not get to those points all on my own, so I have learned to only use myself as cross reference within this world, which is pretty dangerous considering the implications of doing that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist reading other peoples blogs within the belief that I cannot learn from them because I must and can only learn from myself or anything I do learn from others are completely useless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear reading what others have to say and to learn from that within the fear of that I will not know what they are saying is correct or not as I haven’t walked all the points for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself as being more and different from others and so fear that when I read their blogs I will not understand it and if it is right or not and that the material can be trusted, seeing and realizing that this is indicating to me that I am not clear within points in my life which I have been postponing to learn from others as I have the belief that I must learn it myself or it will not be real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear learning from others as I fear that what I will learn from them will and cannot be real as I haven’t learned it myself, experienced it for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must experience something for it to be real, giving away my ability within using common sense and being self honest as I now rely on experience to teach me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for experience so that I can learn, seeing and realizing that waiting for experience is like waiting for a meteorite to fall on my head so that I can learn to always check what’s happening, seeing and realizing all it really takes is some common sense and self honesty and living in awareness in and as breathe and that experience isn’t required.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist reading and learning from others as I fear that if I learn or realize something from their blogs/vlogs that they will take away my opportunity to learn and experience it for myself. Seeing and realizing that this is me living in separation of others and not embracing others as me and thus walking the process together one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that I am one being/one human and for me to wait to learn from experience will take millions of lives as there are millions of ways to learn even just one point, and thus it is to keep it simple, breath and be aware as all life within oneness and equality – thus seeing and realizing since we are billions of people on earth we can all learn from each other and make the process quicker and more sufficient for all to not to have to suffer through each and every fucking experience there can be/imagined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Limit myself within constricting myself within learning from others within equality and oneness as me within the idea of separation.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself resist reading a blog to stop and breathe and to read the blog and to see why I resisted and if it is real or not, obviously it is never real that is the point, the resistance isn’t towards anything real, it is a self created limitation that one accept and allowed within self according to ideas/opinions/beliefs of the mind as energy movement within what you like or dislike, it is like perfect brainwashing and mind control.

I commit myself to breathe and read others blogs when and as I have the time and to watch the vlogs, to see if I am clear and that I am standing one and equal as the other being and to stop all forms of limitation such as the beliefs/ideas of separation that only create fear and to walk the process as the other as myself one and usual to be able to stand within all points of Life as that which is best for all life in all ways.

Day 171 – Anticipating Walking my Horse Part 3 Final.

Day 169 – Anticipating Walking my Horse Part 1

Day 170 – Anticipating Walking my Horse Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the experience of anticipation to exist within and as me when and as I walk my horse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Believe and make the experience real within me of expectation when and as I walk my horse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that anything I experience within myself while walking my horse is real, seeing and realizing that what I am experiencing within me while walking my horse is in contradiction to the reality of what is here and thus only self sabotaging myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself within believing that the experience of expectation is real within me when and as I walk my horse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Sabotage my Breathe and stability through accepting and allowing any thought within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself thought accepting and allowing a thought to continue within and as me and to give it attention and energy build up through back chat and thus create an experience within my body that only sabotage myself from what is here in fact as reality as what I experience is always in contradiction to what is here and thus giving away my ability to respond and instead become reactive where my actions is that of survival and within self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Follow thoughts within the belief of that they are real – seeing and realizing that all my life I have only followed thoughts and to trust thought even if they are always wrong and to within this realize that thoughts are in fact not real and CAN be Stopped in a single breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create memories out of events from which I create thought and thus connect positive or negative to these thought and to within this create characters and experiences that become automatic within my behavior and to define myself according to the past events/memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when and as I experience something such as anticipation with walking my horse that It means I must define myself as the experience through the reasoning of “because I experienced it, it must be who I am” not seeing and realizing that The experience is NOT who I am as reality shows me that what I experience is never what is here in reality and thus can not be real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Validate experiences.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when and as I Divine myself according to an experience that is enslavement and FUCK myself within it as I make myself subject to experiences instead of Breathing here as the physical where I can move and direct myself freely as breath as that which is best for all LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Feel powerless within stopping any and all experiences I exist as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a negative energy charge of that I will never be able to stop the general FEAR that I exist as that is always keeping me as the limited me that I have always known.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that my horse and the dog is only amplifying with sound the general experience of who I have accepted and allowed myself to be as, as a slave to fear/stress/anxiety/anticipation and to never step beyond and live and Be here as Breathe as LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the animals are supporting and assisting me within my process within birthing myself as life as that which is best for all life, and that I have blamed them for my experiences not seeing and realizing that they are only showing me who I have become as a slave to the mind as experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I first accept any experience as who I am that I will always allow it, and thus it is to stop the acceptance and to breathe and bring myself here as breathe and to always realize that experience isnt real at ALL ever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall fr the trap of how I experience myself must be who I am, not seeing and realizing that I am in that moment making it so, instead of breathing and realizing myself as breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fear and experiences as ways to not take self responsibility yet I hate experiencing myself as fear and experiences where I am controlled by them and thus I see and realize that I have to decide within myself to take full responsibility and Breathe and to stop the MIND and stop mining my body for energy to create experiences I do not like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that experiences are set in stone and thus I see and realize that it is just a belief and that I an in and as breathe release myself from the chains of these experiences and realize myself as breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use breathe as a way to not experience what I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the wanting to stop any and all experiences from the starting point of not having to experience what I have accepted nd allowed as self abuse.

I commit myself to when and as I am within an experience to Breathe and look at who I am within stopping the experience and to clear myself of any starting point that is within self interest and to breathe and stop and change the starting point to that which is best for all life as who I am as Life.

I commit myself to when and as I have and experience within me of fear/anxiety/stress/anticipation to realize that it is NEVER real and to give myself breathe instead as LIFE as that which is best for all life.
I commit myself to when and as I am feeling “stuck” and “trapped” within and experience to realize it is NEVER real and that it is okay to let go of it and Breathe.

I commit myself to see and realize that any and all experiences are NOT real when and as I face walking with my horse and or any other situation/moment in my life and that I can let the experience GO and to hold onto any experience is but self sabotage in fact and not WHO I am in and as the physical as life.

I commit myself to STOP myself when and as I see that I am going into an experience and to Breathe and to realize in Fact that any experience isnt real and now who I am, as any and all experiences is of the past from memories and thus not who I have to be in the present as I define who I am in each Moment through what I accept and allow, and to instead give myself BREATH and rebirth myself as Life.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself giving any or all thoughts acceptance to stop and realize that i am accepting them and thus giving them permission to direct and control me unless I STOP and breath instead.

I commit myself to Give breathe a chance as I see and realize that all my live I have only given thoughts/experiences chances and it has only led to suffering and pain and shit upon shit and where I experience most of my life as FEAR and stress and anticipation of abuse, and thus To breath.

I commit myself to stop justifying thoughts and experiences through using external influences as to why I am experiencing myself the way I do and to take self responsibility as Breath as that which is best for all life.

Day 152 - Fear of Living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being here in breathe where there is no mind that controls my every movement, instead of me living in and as my movement in awareness of me here as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect living to an energetic experience of either good or bad, not seeing and realizing that as long as I rely on being alive to be based on a feeling then I can never live as the feelings/emotions is always dependent on the input. And thus I see and realize that I am LIFE and thus always Life and that the fear of living is me holding me back as LIFE as the mind as thoughts feeling and emotions that puts limits on Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I move and direct my day to do so dependent on how I feel, and that I will only enjoy my day if I feel alive, instead of realizing I am LIFE and thus as LIFE I am here living as the physical and thus feelings and emotions and thoughts are but limiting me from expressing myself in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to control all my movements in my
Daily participation with thoughts/feelings/emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through controlling all my life thought thoughts/feelings/emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I am here and that waiting for a feeling or an emotion to make me feel alive is me only hiding in fear of living here and seeing what is actually here as me as Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to HOLD myself back within life as LIFE through the thoughts/feelings/emotions I participate within that only controls my behavior
according to fear and survival of the ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that to be alive my expression must always be BIG and wonderful and remember able.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect being alive to a energetic experience that feels BIG and that take over my body, not seeing and realizing that I am in fact only limiting myself to that experience to be able to feel alive and thus enslave myself to a lifelong search to feel alive for this energetic experience and thus never living here as the breathe that is always here as LIFE and not subject or limited to any or only one thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the thoughts/feeling/emotions that control my everyday movements and behaviors in the name of survival and to actually live here as the breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the mind control as the thoughts/feelings/emotions where my mind controls my body in complete limitation and enslavement to energy and to fear who I will be without the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown, where I let go of knowing as the three of knowledge of good and evil, and where I decide t eat from the tree of life that is neither good not evil but only what is best for all life in all ways and thus not knowledge or information needed to LIVE but to simply LIVE as LIFE one and Equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and aso I am within the mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions that I am actually literally mind control myself as the body and thus not living but controlling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the control I have limited myself to as a belief of what life is and to actually live here in each breathe that is unknown yet known.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that to be alive means I must be doing something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that to be alive I just do out of the ordinary things, not seeing and realizing that through such a belief I am only validating the belief that I am not alive when I am not doing something out of the ordinary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make living difficult for myself through placing being alive outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make living a feeling and thus to within this always being in search of life instead of seeing and realizing that I am literally already LIFE as the physical and thus I am here alive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harm life as I seek to be alive outside of myself as separate from life here through taking what is here and to turn it all into a energy experience at any cost.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that within the belief of I must feel alive to be alive I am actually only contradicting myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when and as I place being alive in a feeling/emotion that I am actually telling myself I am a zombie walking around in search of/and feasting of LIFE and devouring LIFE to feed myself just to feel alive, and thus create a system that is no different such as capitalism where the system keeps on feeding on earth just to keep it alive even at the cost of earth (life).

I commit myself to when and as I see myself seeking to be alive, to stop and breathe and realize I am here already LIFE in and as the physical as plain simple common sense can show me in all ways possible and that seeking to be alive is a symptom of brainwashing and mind control that has been deliberately created within the world to make people BUY buy and BUY so that money can be made and so that a very few people can become stinking rich because everyone is in search for LIFE, while it is a search that can never be achieved as long as everyone do not see the obvious and look to self and what is HERE. The perfect scam..

Day 149 – Living Commitment – Day 20 of 21 – False Image Stability continued

Day 149 – Living Commitment – Day 20 of 21 – False Image Stability continued

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in a constant expectation of the worst to happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that the worse that can happen to me is being yelled at and that my "stable" calm mode will be disrupted and that I will within this have a mind fuck about everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be disrupted by an outside force and that this can be the worst that can happen to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in constant fear of being disrupted, seeing and realizing that for me to be able to be disrupted like a volcano erupting is only showing me that I hide a lot of stuff within me that I keep secret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that what I keep secret within me such as thoughts will be revealed at any moment and that I will be exposed and that within this I will not be stable and calm and at peace with myself but the opposite, and within that I do not trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that what I fear to come out will come out as nothing is secret but only hidden.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown as who I am when I am not stable, seeing and realizing that I have seen who I am when I am not stable and since then I have only tried to hide that part of myself in the fear of this "me" showing himself when I am unstable, and thus hide all behaviours/mannerism from others and rather put on a face of stability in the hope that It will go away.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face myself in writing and applying self forgiveness as the Who I am when I am unstable/disrupted and to stand one and equal as me in actual stability as breathe, living self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus my process on others and what they might think of me, realizing that within this I am not really facing myself in self writing and self forgiveness as I am doing everything from the starting point of only seeming to be stable, as I am trying to keep the stable image I limit myself to ever go into what is here as that which I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as, as the mind and to walk for MYSELF my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk my process of purifying myself and standing as life on and equal in self sabotage and compromise as I limit myself within the belief that I must always only SEEM stable, yet I am not within myself stable at all, as long as I accept and allow one thought to run through me or one energetic experience I am not stable no matter what I try and present to others, thus I see and realize it isn’t what I present to others as being stable or not but that who I am as walking my process for myself, and that I do not accept and allow any thoughts/experiences within me and to not judge anything within me, as the judgment/opinion is purely me limiting myself form actually walking a point for real and stopping thoughts as the judgment only suppress or express curtain part as judgment is always based on good or bad, right or wrong and thus imitating me to actually work with all points equally.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that any opinion/judgment I have in relation to the experiences I have or the thought will only make the thoughts more and so the experiences as well, instead of breathing and not judging no matter what and thus not participating and giving it attention and so it is simple to breathe through the point, as I see this I yet have to actually realize it as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see thoughts/backchat happening within me to have the back chat of "Shit I am thinking I must stop" and to within this react and have a fear/anxious energy building up within me towards me having thoughts/backchat as the judgment I have when I say "shit I am thinking I must stop" is negatively charged and fear based as being wrong and that I am bad person. Realizing that yes thoughts are only abuse and not real and a lie, and this is not a point to fear/react from but to understand and to stop as breathe.

To be continued.

Day 148 – Living Commitments – Day 19 of 21 – False Image - Stability

Image of what I would Like instead of being in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to be Stable as a Image of my likeness of being stable, realizing that within this I am but only am image and thus the stability isn’t real as who I am as the physical as breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Focus on a Image that I like of what I belief to present stability and to only be concerned about this image and to present myself as stable to show to others that I have Changed and am stable now – look at me I am stable, seeing and realizing that within this I never look inward at myself as the thoughts/feelings/emotions and only suppress and deny all thoughts/feelings/emotions and thus create a build up of anxiety/fear/stress.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that as I suppress/deny the thoughts/feeling/emotions within me just to sustain the Image of stability I become anxious/stressed as the thoughts/feelings/emotions built up and the image becomes fragile and thus I go into fight or flight mode where I attack/react to everything and everyone that threatens to break the image I have of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I access fight or flight mode when I have suppressed/denied what goes on within me and only bottled it up while I present an image that is seemingly stable, and that anyone or anything that can Cause Instability within me through creating more thoughts/feelings/emotions is seen as a threat and I will thus either run/hide or impose/fight to not show what is truly going on within me but to rather sustain the exclusionary image of stability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself through presenting an image of stability to all those around me within the suttle belief that it will make me stable, yet it is only making me more reactive/angry and irritated and thus only becoming a danger to myself as I will do anything to defend myself to keep the image instead of simply focusing on MySelf and what I accept and allow within me in each moment and to write and self forgive what is going on within me and to actually stabilize myself as breathe in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief it is wrong to “look” unstable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see it as “weak” when I do not seem stable.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to work through the points in my life that I face daily as myself unconditionally even if it means I will be unstable for a moment and not LOOK right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people that seem “unstable” and thus I want to always look stable in order to not be seen as a fear factor to others, yet I become a danger to myself through pretending and not working on my daily points just to keep up with the image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear that if I have thoughts and I am working through them and I look unstable – which will show all around me that I am in thoughts that I will be seen as weak and unable to stop thoughts, and to instead of working through the thoughts I instead Look stable and suppress/deny thoughts which creates a inner bomb. Thus I realize it is best for myself to rather look unstable but to at least work on the points in the moments and to purify myself so that I can be stable in fact as breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present myself in my actions and my image as someone that is stable and better than everyone else.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that stability is not with how one looks and present themselves, stability is self here as breathe, and breathe is possible in all physical ways and not within a perfect picture Idea of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as unstable, not seeing and realizing that within the fear of not being stable I act out a character that pretends to be stable on the outside, not seeing and realizing that within doing this where I make stability a picture I do not look/focus on what is going on within me but rather on the outside, causing me to become unstable within what is going on within me and bottling it all up but never expressing it just to keep the image.

To be Continued.

Day 147 – Living Commitments – Day 18 of 21 - False Image and Likeness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry when I find it hard to breathe through experiences or to stop thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as a thought come up within me, to judge myself for having a thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being un-able to stop a small insignificant thing such as a thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the thought as bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form a certain opinion about the thought that come up within me, connecting a negative or positive energy to the thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Judge the thought that comes up within me, either as negative or positive - dependant on the opinion I have given it, and to then accordingly punish myself for having the thought through having back chat within myself about the thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a conversation with myself after I have/had a thought coming up within me only provoking more thoughts and irrational thoughts through the fear of having thoughts, as I have judged thoughts as being something to fear as they may be dirty or ugly or disgusting and as the thoughts that come up within me does not always fit the Iage and idea I have about myself and thus when and as thoughts come up within me which I do not know what they will be, I fear what they will be, because I know what exist within me and the thoughts will only show me to me as what I accept and allow to exist within me and this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the thoughts within me as I know they are within me and only me, as they are my thoughts, knowing that they are always evil and not what is best for all life, knowing that they can still come up within me because they are the parts I hide of me from others in secret in my mind, and that the image and likeness I present to the world is threatened by the thoughts that come up within me as it will expose that who I give myself forth to be isnt who I am in secret.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the thoughts that come up within me, I can only fear them as long as I have a certain belief about myself, and that the thoughts which is evil will expose and show to me that the belief I have of myself is a Lie and that the thoughts is also a lie and that my whole life has been a lie and that I must n fact re-birth all of me as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present a certain image to people around me of me being a perfect person while I have evil thoughts that come to me in sudden un-predictable moments and that I will only react to the thoughts if I have false I am of myself that is threatened by the thoughts as it will expose me for who I truly am as the evil in this world.



I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be completely self honest with myself about who I am and what exist within me, and that I have hidden who I am and in return presented an image and likeness to the world that is the opposite of that which i hide, thus making it obvious what I am hiding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the reason I react to the thoughts coming up within me is because I have suppressed the thoughts and HID them away from others in secret, and every time the thought pops up I go into fear and anxiety and stress about it as I fear the thoughts will be exposed and ALL of the world will know who I am in my dirty mind while I give forth a complete false image of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that as long as I have something to hide I will always be subject to what I hide, and live in complete limitation as the fear/anxiety/stress that I create for myself in the attempt to always hide the secret mind, instead of realizing that I must take self responsibility for me and only means what I accept and allow within the space within myself and to stop all abuse and to forgive myself and not hide and bottle it all up, as I can see that the self hatred/frustration/anger is growing as I keep suppressing and only building up the hate more and more towards myself and never breathing but only constantly grabbing thoughts in fear of them being exposed and squeezing them into a bottle (me) and putting a lid on them as if they do not exist.

To be continued.