Day 236 – Childhood Memories and Emotional Body Final.

Here I will write out commitments that are practical to live and apply when and as such points come up that I walked through in the previous blogs.

Day 231 - emotional Body and childhood memory Part 3.1

Day 232 – Part 3.2 of Emotional Body and Childhood Memory.

Day 233 – Childhood memory and Emotional Body Part 3.3

Day 234 - Childhood memory and emotional body part 3.4 

 Day 235 – Childhood Memory and Emotional Body Part 3.6

I commit myself to when and as I am applying a new task that seem like it will require of me to do more than the usual within moving my body and using physical strength/stamina/endurance, To Not participate in any thoughts that might come up and to not give any thoughts/feelings/emotions validation/attention, within the understanding and realization that the thoughts/feelings/emotions inst real and only the past imposing on the present to keep myself enslaved and limited as to satisfy the mind as energy, and to instead BREATHE and focus here on the physical within my every movement, my breathe and the detail of me here in the flesh, as that is real and not being crippled by the mind through beliefs/ideas/opinions/judgments.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself go into the thoughts to Breathe and to focus on the breathe – within the understanding and realization that it will be a deliberate act and not something easy, as it will be me as the physical WILLING and CHOOSING for real to not be a slave to the mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions that I have accepted and allowed as normal all my life and thus it will be something that requires deliberate actions against pre-programming.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself participating in the new tasks at hand within thoughts/feelings/emotions that cripples the flesh/body as me, to NOT judge myself or go into more thoughts/feelings/emotions about it and to instead keep it real and simple and breathe to bring myself back here as that which is real and can be physically confirmed by me and every else as the physical.

I commit myself to when and as I experience a sudden emotional breakdown, to NOT make it real and to not FEAR it, but to instead within the realization that it is being experienced as it is because of me giving thoughts/feelings/emotions (mostly emotions in this case) attention and validation over many years and that I never dealt with it and now it is being forced out of me out of the flesh through the actions/activity I am doing and that It is okay to let it go, and to not make it important, and to breathe as the stabilizing point, to then go and write out the experience and everything that I experienced in detail to lay it out for myself and to see what it is, and to then Forgive myself and to give myself a new slate, a new breathe to start over and walk what is best for all life as myself.

I commit myself to when and as I write about past experiences or experiences that just occurred, to check that I am actually within the writing for myself being honest with myself and to breathe while I write it out to see clearly how it all happens and why so that I cannot hide from myself anymore and repeat the past over and over simply because I belief that what is happening to me is something bigger than me and all it is really is me not understanding how it all works and how I created it myself.

I commit myself to when and as I write about the past in self forgiveness to check my starting point and to breathe and clear myself from any mind influences that has an agenda, and to change my starting within the understanding and realization that I am doing this to in fact forgive myself and to not hold it against myself and to give to myself a new clean slate to live the correction and to take self responsibility for any and all consequences I have already created as myself fully.

Day 235 – Childhood Memory and Emotional Body Part 3.6

Continuing from:

Day 231 - emotional Body and childhood memory Part 3.1

Day 232 – Part 3.2 of Emotional Body and Childhood Memory.

Day 233 – Childhood memory and Emotional Body Part 3.3

Day 234 - Childhood memory and emotional body part 3.4

I am continuing from this sentence from the previous blog
“So as time moves on and these situation happen over and over again and I keep on accepting and allowing these thoughts/feelings/emotions to exist and come up within me they start to compound more and more and create layers after layers within my physical body, as the information is stored within the body.

This eventually created my body as one big compounded emotional body.,”
So seeing this point I can see for instance when I do something that will trigger that memory/experience that ALL the layers suddenly hit me, like a wave of emotions.

Looking at the word emotion I see that there is a “E” and what do we all know is known as “E”, it is a reference to XTC – and ETC is a energetic experience, and within this we have the word motion, so it is a motion of experiences that come over self.

And now after years of participating within this same experience as the emotions/thoughts/feelings it makes the motion of the energetic experience BIGGER, and within this when I for instance do pushups and meet my limits and want to do more but cant – then these emotions comes over me and I experience a emotional breakdown within my body, where I will fall down to the ground and my arms just cannot push up anymore –this shows how I have given power to the thoughts/emotions/feelings over my body that it can actually take me down, YET it isn’t even real.

It is like giving the body a electrical shock that I created myself, and then I blame my body for being weak, when in the meanwhile it wasn’t the body at all, it was the mind that forced the beliefs/ideas/opinions as thoughts/feelings/emotions onto the body.

I can see within writing this out how thoughts/feelings/emotions is only limitation, as I see that any thoughts/feeling/emotion that I have compromises the body within its actual functionality, it reduces the body to being less.

Secondly what i see within writing this out is that there are consequences that no one is aware of that can manifest from participating within thoughts/feelings/emotions, because as I can see that I have always only accepted and allowed the emotional turmoil’s within me, and then years later I end up with a emotional problem and heavy self judgments that leads to be abusing my body and so many other things, and then my actions that is only mine but yet part of the whole effects the whole, and then there are millions of me’s doing the same thing every day without understanding anything about thoughts/feelings/emotions, let alone where they come from, how they created it, why the created it and how to stop them.

To be continued on self corrective statements.

Day 235 – Childhood Memory and Emotional Body Part 3.5

This is a continuation of:

Day 231 - emotional Body and childhood memory Part 3.1

Day 232 – Part 3.2 of Emotional Body and Childhood Memory.

Day 233 – Childhood memory and Emotional Body Part 3.3

Day 234 - childhood memory and emotional body Part 3.4

What have I seen and realized thus far within the Self forgiveness I have done in the previous blogs. I have seen that through and within my childhood years I have been raised to compete with other Humans.

The starting point within competing with other humans is to WIN, there are always only two options when competing, this is Win or Lose and it does not matter how many are participating, there can always only be one winner and the rest are losers.

Through competition in childhood years that is taught to us children is done with specific intentions – these intentions are imposed onto the children from the adults through their behavior and words.

So once each child has Identified the behavior/words from the adults to why the child must compete and what is expected within competing from the child, the child has now created multiple dimension within such a point, mainly fear, because no matter what is imposed onto the child to compete and why the one point that is always the same is do NOT lose, or rather we hope you do not lose.

So now as the child has been taught to compete from the starting point of fear the child starts creating inner conflict – this is thoughts/feelings/emotions – and since a child is never taught what thoughts/feelings/emotions are they are left with it to themselves to do with it what they want.

This is where the child will start to compare himself to other children, and within this comparison at a physical level Judge him/her self accordingly. And according to the judgment that is done from a observation with the starting point of fear as to will the child be able to compete and win with the other humans, the child not starts creating Emotions or feelings towards the thoughts of comparison.

The comparison happens at a physical level of integration when there is competition and some Physical bodies that mature faster or slower will be compared with the child him/her self and it will be classified as winners and losers within the mind.

So within my example that I have walked within these blogs I can see that I have taken place in physical activities where the motivation was to compete to win from the starting point of fear which came from those that has gone before me, and within this physical participation of competition I have created memories, the memories is created from. within certain events/scenarios that took place where there was certain impressions given to me from my physical world and the people, and according to their physical impressions I experience myself a certain way dependent on the impressions given to me, either happy/excited adults, or sad/angry adults, and accordingly I create either emotions or feelings, emotions is that of negative and feeling is that of positive.

So now what the physical activity has taken place and the memories have been created from certain events/moments that impressions was given to me on how I am doing within competing I now create thoughts.

The thoughts will come up as a reaction, a response to certain events/scenarios/moments where competition is involved and the thoughts will be to either create or to avoid certain things – as the thought is me looking back at a memory and taking a moment of that memory and reflecting it back to myself in my mind, then I will either have a negative experience or positive experience.

Taking my example again within these blogs and what it is about I see that I have mostly created emotional energetic charges within me, as the memories I have of the past from which the thoughts come from was mostly me Losing and then facing the impressions from everyone around me in their words and behaviors, and accordingly I made those impressions something I want to avoid.

So I use the thoughts that is like a warning sign for me to not want to experience that again or the other way, those emotions – so when and as I do participate within physical activities that is of competition it is within fear which is already a negative emotion, and then if I lose within the competition there is more fear, because now I have already had the thought of what I want to avoid and then the thought becomes reality again because I did not avoid it, that in itself is already more fear and more self judgment, more suppression's and self hatred, then there is more impressions coming from the adults once I face them in my Lost and being a failure and not good enough.

So as time moves on and these situation happen over and over again and I keep on accepting and allowing these thoughts/feelings/emotions to exist and come up within me they start to compound more and more and create layers after layers within my physical body, as the information is stored within the body.

This eventually created my body as one big compounded emotional body.,

To be continued. This is getting more and more specific, stay tuned.

Day 234 - childhood memory and emotional body Part 3.4

 This is a continuation of:

Day 231 - emotional Body and childhood memory Part 3.1

Day 232 – Part 3.2 of Emotional Body and Childhood Memory.

Day 233 – Childhood memory and Emotional Body Part 3.3

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child belief that I am less than an inferior to other kids because I could not compete with them in the physical tasks/activities.

Ok so now I am going to look at the specific backchat that comes up when and as I apply myself within doing certain physical activities such as running or playing rugby or lifting weights or any other activity that requires me to do something more than usual that pushes me beyond my physical comfort zone.

Back chat.
Why am I so weak?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I do a physical activity that is out of the usual that I find difficult to accept and allow the back chat of “why am I so weak” to exist within me, instead I see and realize that if I stop the back chat and instead Breathe that I will have focus and thus more strength to do the activity as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as the back chat of “why am I so weak” come up within me that this back chat is charging energy within me where I push myself down and break myself down with my own words, which leads to me having an emotional breakdown while doing such an activity and quite before I ever actually really tried.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to break myself down though accepting and allowing the back chat of “why am I so weak” to exist and come up within me with the intention of me hurting myself emotionally as a way of punishing myself for not being as strong as the others that I have judged and compared myself to as being more and better than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I have the back chat “why am I so weak” that the back chat is speaking towards a certain thought I have within my mind of the past where I have compared myself to others, and thus seeing and realizing that the back chat is a reaction to the thought that then confirms the thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I am about to do a physical activity/task that is required of me to do that I first bring the past here of where I have judged others as being stronger than me or better than me and that they would be able to do the task, and to within this comparison make my starting point for doing the task to see if I can be better, and so when and as I do the task and I see that I am failing at the task to then have the back chat coming up of “why am I so weak” still reacting to the thought I first had and then to create a energetic experience of emotions within me of weakness and powerlessness within me as I take my entire past of many years of having these thoughts and back chat and emotions/feelings within me and bring it all together in one moment as a final judgment where I tell myself I haven’t changed a bit I am still weak and will probably always be weak and to then experience a emotional breakdown where I for instance suddenly collapse within the activity or give up and create such an activity/task as a point to avoid and something I don’t like doing.

End of back chat point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I am less than the physical tasks that other children can do and I can not, seeing and realizing that I have already judged myself and created thoughts/feelings/emotions within myself of and towards the task where I fail, thus I see and realize that i first have to breathe and stop all thoughts/feeling/emotions I have created towards the task and then to do it and to see what is here and what is real or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that if and when I compare myself with others and what they are capable and to judge myself as not being capable within my mind already before I have even tried it, that I will compromise myself within the task and not in fact see if I am capable or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I observe others within doing certain tasks and to within the observation compare myself with them and to within this create thoughts where I see myself either doing the task better than them or worse than them dependent on how I have judge the task as easy or hard and to within this create a line for myself of where I create points within my life of what I am comfortable with doing and what I avoid doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breathe and to see what is here within new tasks and to instead go into the mind where the beliefs/ideas/opinions I have over a certain task influences me and how I do the task on a emotional lever first and then a physical level as the emotions effect the body according to what I belief.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being less than others when and as I see that I cannot physically compete with them, and to within this create a emotional feeling of being inferior to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with other children and their physical bodies and what they are capable of and that I am not, instead of focusing on what I can do and to better and perfect myself within what I am capable of.

Day 233 – Childhood memory and Emotional Body Part 3.3

Day 233 – Childhood memory and Emotional Body Part 3.3

continuing from:

Day 231 - emotional Body and childhood memory Part 3.1

Day 232 – Part 3.2 of Emotional Body and Childhood Memory.

The comfort zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going out of my comfort zone as having to do something that I do not like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing what I do not like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking myself as my body into uncomfortable situations where I have to move my body and use my body and be here as my body to do such tasks, seeing and realizing within this statement that I am actually just to lazy to do something more then my regular accepted and allowed pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the fear of doing something outside of my comfort zone is not within the actual physical acts of doing the task//activity, but that it is the experience of emotional energy within me that I fear experiencing,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist going where it is uncomfortable for me within physical activities/tasks simply because of the energetic experience I have attached to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the energetic emotional experience that I fear experiencing within doing the physical activity/task is actually me fearing experiencing myself as the past again, as me within my memories of when I was a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not look at the point that I am still that child and that I have simply now avoided me as that child and how I have experienced myself in the past through avoiding physical activities that is remotely the same that I know will bring up the experience of me that I fear facing as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as a child and what I experienced, seeing and realizing that as long as I avoid facing me as the child where I created these emotions and feelings and experiences within me and accepted and allowed them to be me, that I will always give the childhood experiences dominance over my life within what I do and do not do, what I like and dislike and so create my own prison of likes and dislikes as limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as me as the child where I was powerless to the emotions I had within doing certain physical events/activities/tasks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing physical points within reality of where I face the back chat of “I cannot do this” and “I do not want to do this” as me giving up on myself as I did when and as I was a child where I made these experiences points to avoid within me and so fear them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see points within my world that I need to attend that is out of the regular pattern of comfort-ability to have the thoughts of seeing myself being in discomfort and not enjoying myself, to then have the back chat of - “I do not want to do this” and ‘I can not do this” as trigger points for the resistance fear/emotional experience that is of my childhood to then activate the behavior within me to physically try and avoid having to do it or to get away from doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when a point comes up within reality where I need to move out of my comfort zone as to having to do something more then the regular daily pattern to go into thoughts of the future of how I may experience myself and feel while doing so, seeing and realizing that this is the past experiences of me as my childhood that I have taken and simply projected it into the future again in fear of creating that experience again, thus seeing and realizing that I must stop the thoughts and breathe and direct myself in and as breathe and be here in the present moment, to stop creating the past over and over again as my fears.

To be continued.

Day 232 – Part 3.2 of Emotional Body and Childhood Memory.

This is a continuation of Day 231 – Emotional Body and Childhood Memory Part 3.1

Self-Forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear new tasks that is asked of me to do, within the belief that I will not be able to do it.

Why do I fear new tasks?

I for forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself as my failures and to within that create a point of fear within me towards the general point of new tasks.

How do I fear new tasks?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I fear new tasks to instead of facing such fear within taking the task on, create a resistance towards any and all new tasks and judge it as not for me and that it isn’t what I do as a way of escaping the point to never face it, as I have not created a character that Fear new tasks that is asked of me that will require me to do more.

Continue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I will be when and as I fail a task.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of failing a task.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I have identified myself as, as the experience of when I fail, as being all emotional and crying and experiencing myself as that, seeing and realizing that I can decide who I am in each breathe and that as long as I keep repeating the past within me I will create it so in reality, instead of breathing and giving myself a new clean slate.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as emotional and weak and incapable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and avoid any and all tasks that require me to push myself beyond the beliefs I have of myself as I fear that once I push myself I can not handle it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being pushed either by myself or others as the pushing itself already is a indication that to me that I cannot do it myself and require help which to me is a indication that I am incapable.

New memory – “Being Bullied in Grade two (8 years old in a new school) I am pushed around on the stairs and falling down, with three younger guys (7 years old) laughing at me while pulling me on the floor and pushing me down on the ground and feeling powerless and confusion to what happening, till I cried and they stopped as other’s intervened.” For new Blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when and as I am being pushed by myself or others that it is a indication of disbelieve within them towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret being pushed as being a indication from everyone else that I am not capable and to within this create the fear of not being capable and that it will only confirm within others that I am not capable if I fail and thus feel less and inferior even before the task is done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within participating within the mind as interpretations of what others are saying to me to create thoughts of projections of me failing and not being good enough, and to within this create the negative energetic experience of fear and anxiety within myself towards what has to come.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself according to what I think and belief others think and belief of me, instead of focusing on what needs to be done in and as breathe and see what is here and do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a failure within my mind way before anything has even happened, never giving myself a chance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and belief failure to be Bad, due to programming within the system of the current world that is based on winners and losers and that it should determine who we are, never giving us the chance to actually learn and the mind created expectation is based on that you only have one chance and that is it. seeing and realizing that within an equal money system failure will be okay and that it will be a point of learning as nothing within an equal money system will determine your life or future based on if you win or lose, be rich or poor to have a life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when and as I am asked by others to do a task that seems extreme within my mind and that requires physical durability and strength to belief and feel that I am being abused, seeing and realizing that it is only the mind taking reality and interpreting reality and thus it isn’t what is seems to be in fact and cannot be trusted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the energetic emotion of feeling abused to having to do things for others where it is required that I have to push my body into uncomfortable situation to accomplish these expectations other have of me and where for a moment I will not enjoy myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not se and realize that because I have had a comfortable life where I always could decide what to do and when I want to do it or if I want to or not that when something is asked of me that requires me to go out of my comfort zone.

To be continued.

Day 231 - emotional Body and childhood memory Part 3.1

I am nine years old , grade 3 – I am being encouraged to take on a athletic event, it is a running event and it requires me to run 2 kilometers, to me within my understanding 2 kilometers are quite a long distance, I am told that it isn’t, I insist that I do not want to do it, I am once again told that I can do it since I have done it before when I was eight years old.

The elders do not give up on the “wanting” for me to run in this athletic event, they belief it is part of my potential, because my father used to be a good runner in his days, this is implying that I should be a good runner just like my father.

I stick to not running, I am at school and I hear the other kids talk about who is going to run and who isn’t, I hear a specific kid saying that he is going to run, I can’t believe he is going to run, he is quite over weight and seems like he will get tired pretty quick and quite in the long distance race, I feel challenged and that I should also be able to do this if he can.

I am at home, I tell the elders that I will do the long distance race, they are happy, they tell me many things, of which one is that my father was a great runner and that this means it is in my genes and I will find it to be easy.

My best friend is also going to do the race, he keeps telling me that running 2 kilometers is nothing, it will be a quick race, I feel inferior to him and that he can claim such a thing when I cannot, I am in fear and anxious of the race, I hate it when the gun shot goes off and all the kids start to run, some are in the front and some are in the back, I am always in between in such events, if it is long distance or short, I always feel like I can fall behind anytime or just give up, while the rest can continue, they must be stronger than me and better naturally, I must be missing something.

It is required of me to practice on a weekly base, for two weeks I train, the training isn’t that hard, it is basically running a few laps everyday and doing a lot of stretching, the training actually makes the race seem like it will not be that hard.

The teacher that trains us says that the race is the same distance as running five times around the “rugby” field, this startled me and at the same time my mind interpreted it as not much, but in training sessions we only go around twice.

The day has come of the event, I am dressed up and I am at the point and time of the race, there are thousands of people, parents/families with the runner being the center of attention, everyone is competing with everyone, even the families with each other, who’s kid is better then who’s, I feel it is my responsibility to make my elders proud and to make this race happen.

As I am standing around I feel that I do not want to do it, I go to my parents and say I do not want to do the race, both my parents sitting in chairs they brought to watch me run stare at me – they say: we are already here and you trained, why not give it a try, I did not want to do it, the anxiety in my stomach was to big and over whelming, the pressure of competing was getting to me, I do not like competing.

My parents made a deal with me, they told me that if I run and finish the race that they will buy me a frozen drink, they were selling it all around, this drink is literally two rands, I did not have that money back then and anything seemed as a good idea, I said okay I will do it for that.

I walked away and stood around, then came a girl from school, she was smiling and saying hi to me, I secretly liked her but she never knew, she then asked me If I am running today – I felt this energy rush, I could proudly say YES I am running today, like it gave me meaning and like I am a capable guy, I am doing something many others aren’t doing today, and I could tell this girl I am doing it.

She then said okay good luck and we both just stood there, I then heard the announcement for my age group to gather on the field and give our names in for the race.

As I stood on the field waiting in line my friend also joined in, he seemed so calm and like he actually wanted to do this, he then asked me if I am ready, I said yes with a fake confidence to seem like I am equal to his standing.

We got our names in and we were all standing in line, at least a hundred kids my age, the person started talking and I heard a gunshot – Off we all go, the race has started.

I am running to stay with my friend, but he is simply faster, I even saw a kid younger than me running with us and taking me over, a lot of kids are bumping into each other and trying to get ahead of each other, we hardly started and I am already tired, I just want to stop, I can’t see anyone I know around me anymore, they are all gone, I am left running on my own and I know I am not in front, I basically already lost.

I do not know the road, there are people standing around with red flags showing me the way to where I must go, it leads into a field, there is no one, I have no idea how far I am from the finish line or if I am the only one left, I continue running, I see up ahead there is a kid, it is the other kid from my class that I could not belief were also going to run, he is walking and out of breathe, I take him over, I feel proud that I could beat him at least, he starts to run again as I pass him, I pace myself to not lose my small win for the day.

I get a cramp in my stomach ad I am tired, I want to stop, it is now a uphill run, I never trained for this at all, I see I am getting back to the area we started off at, I run in-between the bushes and meet up with other tired kids there still running, I feel good that I could catch up, but no matter what could not over take them, they were just in front of me the whole time.

We reach the rugby field where we started off, I feel so fucking happy, I see the finish line, as I get closer I start to walk, I am to tired, as I get to the finish line the person tells me that I still have to run around the field twice and then I am done.

My parents are screaming for me on the side and the girl I spoke to, I do not hear them, I see them but do not hear them, I am completely emotion – I have to do this for two more rounds before I am done.

I start running, I don’t want to, that all that is going through my head, I am feeding the emotions, like I am being forced, I am being abused, it is unfair, I don’t want to, why does no one understand that I do not want to, the last thought that comes through my mind is, If i do not finish this I will not get that iced drink my parents said I can have if I finish.

I am half way through the first round, I decided to stop, I will not continue, I started walking towards my parents, they are screaming at me and saying, you must finish, I start running again, I feel broken, my body isn’t supporting this, I am almost done, I have to run a hundred meters more.

I start to cry, I scream out I can’t do it, I can’t do it, I don’t want to do it, I am emotionally wrecked, my body wants to collapse, I fall on my knees, EVERYONE is watching me and hearing me and I don’t give a shit, my parents scream, just a little bit more GIAN, just a little bit more, the game does not matter to me anymore, I run off the field crying straight towards my parents, I had to literally run 50 more meters and I would have finished, But I did not.

My parents did not comfort me as I entered their presence, they left me to cry and to remain in the emotional state, they were to embarrassed to support me at that moment and I did not know what to do with myself.

We packed our things and we left, I did not get that iced drink. I left the field knowing that I never want to experience that again, it was horrible, it was disastrous, I hated that whole day and the whole experience, I am wondering who will remember me for how I acted out on the field, I felt ashamed and like a loser to the rest, everyone could finish it except me.
Next up self forgiveness.