Day 252 – The Trap of Who I am Every Day.

I have seen and realize this point over and over and over, and yet I haven’t changed it at all, the Fear is simply too great to change it.

What am I talking about? Every day I assume a Character that I expect everyone wants to see of me, I assume that this is the only character that is acceptable by everyone around me, I have played this character every day of my life for so long because I have thus far been “save” with this Character.
This Character I am talking about is the Character that I always put on in front of other people, I even wear it when I am alone in my room in the fear that if someone else comes in they will see me without my mask, but I have done this for so long now that I have forgotten that I am wearing a mask/character.

I know I have to take the mask/character off and I have to really get rid of it, and not to only bring out that what I am trying to hide, that isn’t the point, I have done my self-forgiveness, I have placed my commitments and I have realized myself in many ways, but now I have to actually LIVE these commitments as that which is best for all LIFE.

This is where the scary part comes in – I do not know what to find underneath the mask, I do not know who I will be once I stop playing this character – or to be more clear on the point, I do know what to expect from me – that is why I fear taking it all, because I know once I take off the mask, once I stop the character I will change not just me, But I will change everyone and everything around me.

This is what I fear – what will happen when I stop pretending the character, what will happen once I stop putting on the masks that has been keeping me save.

I know who I can be, I know what I must do as that which is best for all life, But this Idea/belief that i have of myself as this Gian character that I play every day is so integrated into my actions/movements and my words and my habits and behaviors that I seem to just not to be able to stop it in time and to change.

Why can’t I stop it in time? there is FEAR, the fear gives it all away, the fear directs it all, the fear is the fucker that wins every time, the fear is what makes the shit in my head seem so fucking real that i act on it without considering a thing, the Fear that i give all my power to is doing exactly what fear does, it keeps me in my box called the mind.

Why is there fear? I know that there is a extremely very thin line between change and no change, all it requires is that one tiny step over the line to the other side and then there is no stopping the consequences of that, so I actually fear the consequences of change, and I am not here connecting consequences to a negative emotion, consequences is simply the outflow of your actions, it can either be best for all life or not, it isn’t judged as good or bad, it is what it is to bring about a world that is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living the correction that is required of me to set myself free from and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear breaking the chains of fear that I give power to every time when that moment is here of change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I break the chains of fear that I give power to through participating within the mind that makes it seem so real within all the future projections and ideas and beliefs I create from and as the fear that might happen if I break the chains to direct me and to keep me enslaved to the fear as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself into the unknown of breaking the chains of fear and that i will support myself effectively with whatever happens and come my way if it is either good or bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that breaking the chains of fear and acting within the best interest of all life as myself, that it must either be a good or a bad consequential outflow that occurs, instead of seeing and realizing that when and as I act within the best interest of all life that the outflow of my actions can always only be best for all life no matter how it seems to the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear breaking the chains of fear as it is all I have ever known and even come to trust, trusting the fear and the chains and that these chains are keeping me save, when in fact they are keeping me enslaved and limited and in fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if and when i take that one step that is always too late to take back that i will not be able to follow through and fall, seeing and realizing that this is what the fear wants me to fear to keep me in fear LOL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief and make all the justifications/reasons that come up why not to change that comes from fear to be valid and real and that I must stick to them with good reason, seeing and realizing that this good reason is to only keep the fear alive while I die and burn in the fear slowly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that fear can and will never be an excuse for why I did not do what is best for all life in all ways and why I did not stand up in the moments that I saw I had to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that who I am within each moment is decided by me and that if and when I give fear permission to be who I am that is exactly who i will be, seeing and realizing that I am the only one that can decide in every moment/breathe to not live and exist as fear and to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that who i am everyday in the face of others is who i am have to remain to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself within the character of who I am daily through blindly believing that it is all I can ever be.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize the trap of who i am daily is not the same as who i am in every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the character I am everyday just to be save from facing msyelf and standing a life and what is best for all life in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I change who i am daily that everyone else is sued to that I will only face negative consequences, not seeing and realizing that the change that takes place must be self honest in each breathe to what is here in consideration of others here walking their processes, and thus accordingly I act within the best interest of all and not within the self interest of only changing myself just for the sake of change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to change from the starting point of not having to face myself anymore as the fear, seeing and realizing that the fear will always be here till I stand one and equal as it and not to separate myself from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created and idea about change and that it must be dramatic and life changing like a bomb going off, seeing and realizing that the change I am talking about as self change to that which is best for all life is a living change where I become the example and not where I now change and go an bash other people and suddenly being all different as that isn’t how it works in terms of best for all life as it will only serve my self interest of wanting change for the sake of change instead of real change.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others will say and do once they notice change within me as a living example.

To be continued.

Day 149 – Living Commitment – Day 20 of 21 – False Image Stability continued

Day 149 – Living Commitment – Day 20 of 21 – False Image Stability continued

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in a constant expectation of the worst to happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that the worse that can happen to me is being yelled at and that my "stable" calm mode will be disrupted and that I will within this have a mind fuck about everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be disrupted by an outside force and that this can be the worst that can happen to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in constant fear of being disrupted, seeing and realizing that for me to be able to be disrupted like a volcano erupting is only showing me that I hide a lot of stuff within me that I keep secret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that what I keep secret within me such as thoughts will be revealed at any moment and that I will be exposed and that within this I will not be stable and calm and at peace with myself but the opposite, and within that I do not trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that what I fear to come out will come out as nothing is secret but only hidden.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown as who I am when I am not stable, seeing and realizing that I have seen who I am when I am not stable and since then I have only tried to hide that part of myself in the fear of this "me" showing himself when I am unstable, and thus hide all behaviours/mannerism from others and rather put on a face of stability in the hope that It will go away.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face myself in writing and applying self forgiveness as the Who I am when I am unstable/disrupted and to stand one and equal as me in actual stability as breathe, living self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus my process on others and what they might think of me, realizing that within this I am not really facing myself in self writing and self forgiveness as I am doing everything from the starting point of only seeming to be stable, as I am trying to keep the stable image I limit myself to ever go into what is here as that which I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as, as the mind and to walk for MYSELF my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk my process of purifying myself and standing as life on and equal in self sabotage and compromise as I limit myself within the belief that I must always only SEEM stable, yet I am not within myself stable at all, as long as I accept and allow one thought to run through me or one energetic experience I am not stable no matter what I try and present to others, thus I see and realize it isn’t what I present to others as being stable or not but that who I am as walking my process for myself, and that I do not accept and allow any thoughts/experiences within me and to not judge anything within me, as the judgment/opinion is purely me limiting myself form actually walking a point for real and stopping thoughts as the judgment only suppress or express curtain part as judgment is always based on good or bad, right or wrong and thus imitating me to actually work with all points equally.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that any opinion/judgment I have in relation to the experiences I have or the thought will only make the thoughts more and so the experiences as well, instead of breathing and not judging no matter what and thus not participating and giving it attention and so it is simple to breathe through the point, as I see this I yet have to actually realize it as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see thoughts/backchat happening within me to have the back chat of "Shit I am thinking I must stop" and to within this react and have a fear/anxious energy building up within me towards me having thoughts/backchat as the judgment I have when I say "shit I am thinking I must stop" is negatively charged and fear based as being wrong and that I am bad person. Realizing that yes thoughts are only abuse and not real and a lie, and this is not a point to fear/react from but to understand and to stop as breathe.

To be continued.

Day 143 – Living Commitments – Day 15 of 21 – Drowning in experience Continued.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that what I experience is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that what I experience must be real within justifying it through the back chat if “Well I am experiencing this feeling/emotion therefore it must probably be real” – not seeing and realizing that in that moment the back chat is making it seem real and thus I experience it as real where it has physical outflows in my day where I physically participate according to the experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the back chat of “Well I am experiencing this Feeling/emotion therefore it must be real” to exist within and as me as a justification for why I am creating the experience as real.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that what I experience within me as energy from the mind created through participating in thoughts and back chat is only an energetic experience within me that took physical energy from my body as the real energy and turned it into illusionary energy that I then belief must have some purpose/reason and thus I must follow the experience – not seeing and realizing the obvious that I created it with the reason/purpose in it through my back chat and thoughts I had and thus it isn’t special or meaning anything in fact, I created it so from illusions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create experiences for myself through participating within the mind as thoughts and back chat and to then “forget: how I created it with the thoughts and back chat and to after forgetting follow the experience as if it came from somewhere else and that it must mean something, only to find out in the end that I created it after the consequences has played out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value experience either good or bad above the physical reality as that which is real and valid, not seeing and realizing that when I valid something that isn’t real but only within the mind as illusions and energy and I attempt to follow and participate within it, in the physical and manifesting and illusion within that which is real I have no idea what I am doing and what the actual consequential outflows will be of my actions, as the world is the example/result of these every actions being applied everyday by all humans.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that it is impossible to stop energetic experiences within me through breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I am subject to the experiences I have within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only always give into energetic experiences I have within me and to never give myself the chance of breathing through them instead and to free myself from the chains of the experience so that I Breathe freely where I am not directed by energy but instead direct myself as self will/movement as life as that which is best for all life in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react and fear all experiences I have within me – within the reaction being of “oh no not this experience again” – not seeing and realizing that within that I have already allowed the experience to direct and control me, instead of breathing and not giving any space for any energetic movement within me as I occupy all of me as myself as breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move through live without nay integrity and self will accepting and allowing everything to influence me and to make me experience something to what I am them enslaved to and limited to as the experience and thus only giving myself the option of following experiences and never living life as myself as life as that which is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk around without any direction in my life, within the fear of life and thus only allowing everything around me to direct me instead of me Breathing and being here as WHO I decide I am in each breath so that I stand as life and cannot be moved by any outside forces through my permission, as my permission is already me giving myself permission to stand as Life and to always life that which is best for all life with no alternatives.

To be continued

Day 142 – Living Commitments – Day 14 of 21 – Drowing in experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I a emotional to belief that the emotion is permanent till it go away by itself in time, not realizing that I can instead BREATHE and not participate within the emotional experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from what I experience as something happening to me, not seeing and realizing that I am the creator of the experience as I am experiencing it only within myself, thus I can stop it, realizing the tool of breathing is how I earth myself HERE with what is real as the physical and not internal experiences of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am within an energetic experience where I feel like I just can not stop the experience, to not test it for myself physically and breathe and to not even consider breathing as I am in fear of the experience I am having which only creates the experience more, thus seeing and realizing that when and as I am within an energetic experience to slow down and to stop all judgment of the experience and to breathe instead of giving into the experience as being real. As breath will proof what is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to when and as I am filed with fear to belief that the fear will always be here in these scenarios, realizing that in that moment I am already creating and manifesting all future scenarios within the already expected experience of fear, instead of Breathing and re – programming myself in BREATHE – realizing that my bodies cells renew every three seconds, and thus I have every three seconds to renew myself in each breath as my entire body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the understanding that my body at a cellular level is basically new everyday and yet I keep on copying and creating the old over and over onto the new as it is set in stone, which is a lie as the body clearly shows the cells die and renew every few seconds and thus isnt set in stone, and thus re-programming self IN breathe as life as the physical is possible in each breath on what I decide Who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the physical evidence is here as the flesh/body and the breathe that the past is constantly re-created by me and my participation within each and every thought I have onto the new, instead of giving myself self forgiveness in each breathe where I am walking new in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that everyday and all the experiences I have everyday will simply be here and the same till I die, not seeing and realizing that within that belief I have already created every single day I might still be alive to be so, as I have accepted and allowed it as my entire beingness to be so and thus not doing anything real to change it as Who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I decide who I am in each breathe through what I accept and allow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief it is impossible to change something that I have been living for almost all my life, such as fear/anxiety/stress within certain situations and that because it has always been like that it must always continue like that – typical sheep programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drown myself in the past within the belief that everything from the past must always be the same again in the future and thus always living in a gloomy amnious way of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT breathe and instead to give into memories of the past and project them into the future as already set in stone things that will happen and how I have to already experience myself when those things happen, realizing that I am deliberately already creating it as such, not giving myself the opportunity to instead breathe and be here in a new moment of change and re-birth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear that tomorrow will just be the same as yesterday, and that I will just have all the same thoughts again, where I can not stop them, and where I will have the same reaction again towards the same situations again and that I will do this and that the same again and my day will end the same way again, not seeing and realizing that I am within participating in thoughts/memories and future projections of those things creating it in my whole beingness, and within this LIMIT myself and trap myself in a life of habit and patterns that isnt best for all Life and only in support of the mind enslavement.

To be Continued.

Day 118 – Being Skinny – The Machine Within Part 4.

Continuing from Day 117 that is a follow up from Day 116 and Day 115 where I take Quotes from the Day 115 Blog and apply Self Forgiveness on each point.

Quote 3: “I have made the skinny “problem” a big problem, I actually made it my mission to gain weight and to do this before I reach the middle ages because I do not want to look like a skinny boy all my life, never getting that “full body” look – interesting how I first talk about the physical problem but then it ends up being all about “looks” again”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get possessed by the Idea/self-belief/opinions/self-judgments of the mind as energy and to within this possession live it out as my “LIFE” mission to gain weight at all costs, even if it means abusing my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body physically as who I am as the flesh in the pursuit of happiness that I am following according to pictures in my mind that isn’t even based on the actual physical reality of all things here as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear remaining skinny even when I am in my middle ages. and within and as this “thought”- seeing myself being old and skinny And that I have wasted my Life away within the pursuit of gaining weight and living in regret and never lived life, to rush myself in great fear/anxiety/stress to gain weight before then, not realizing and seeing that I have already wasted six years of my Life only trying to gain weight and muscles and a different body look/appearance according to pictures in my mind and that in this rush I lose track of time as I exist in the mind as energy, and to realize that before I know it I will be in my middle ages still skinny still chasing, and within this actually manifesting my fear through my actions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that being skinny (not anorexic) isn’t wrong and inst unhealthy, it is but how my body is designed through DNA I inherited from my parents and that I have no real choice to change it, yet I do have the point of making a decision within myself to stop the chase and to stop the mission and to except myself as I am here in and as the physical after I have tried everything I can to change it practically and to live my life here in and as the physical one and equal and to use my body with what I have to do what is best for all life in all ways in all possible practical ways.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be patient with myself and to want to rush myself and how I grow and how my body is designed and to within this rushing I am compromising and actually changing the direction my body is growing according to the signals I give my body.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that if I tell myself every day I am skinny and that if I do this for years and already have, that I am giving my body the signals that I am skinny and thus I will remain skinny no matter how much I work out or eat as that which I am telling myself is what I create myself as.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that participating in the mind as that which gives electrical signals to my body and organs that I am daily through my own self judgements/beliefs/ideas/opinions constantly giving the signal of I am skinny and thus it will counter act what I do as eating a lot or working out because The mind will simply tell my metabolism I am skinny and thus it must burn all fat that comes in to keep me skinny. Also realizing that going into the polarity point of now wanting to tell myself I am fat everyday will not work as the fear that motivates it is still based on fear of being skinny and thus the message remains the same to the body, realizing it is to stop all self judgments/beliefs/ideas/opinions and fear and to stop the participation in the mind as this will stop all conscious/sub-conscious/un-conscious signals the body is receiving and the body will not be under constant attack as the electrical signals the mind is sending out and the body as me as who I am can grow or not within and as the physical as the physical expression here as Life one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make everything about me about how I LOOK – realizing that this is completely fucking around with the body as the physical as the body isn’t designed to look good or bad, as the body is designed to function in oneness and equality within and as the physical here as LIFE. And so realizing that as long as I give the body electrical Bombing sessions of how the body must look through forcing and reflecting pictures in my mind onto all my cells the whole time, the cells that has a specific function within the body will not be confused As the cells are receiving messages from the mind that does not comply with what its practical function is and thus the cells will be compromised and eventually cause harm to the body such as cancer – realizing that if I continue to tell my body anything else other than what they do that they are open for malfunctioning and bearing consequences.

It is like telling a banana through electrical impulses to become a apple because it looks better, what will happen? It will obviously have physical dysfunctions and who knows what else might come out of it.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that all that I require to give my body is BREATH as that is all they require from my head to function, and that anything else such as the mind with multibillions of dimensions sending millions of more signals to the body will compromise the body and how the body functions and LIMIT the body completely within its true actual physical expression as LIFE.

To be Continued.