Fear of Loss - Lose the Fear

 

All I have is Breath.

 

 

 

Interview from EQAFE on The Design of Fear of Loss HERE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the fear of loss.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is possible to lose something.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the fear of the system taking what I have away from me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Believe it is possible to own something as MINE. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from reality as life as what is here and to within this attempt to possess things and thus where they end up possessing me with the fear of loss of separation. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the future as FEAR of what I can lose or not lose as my decision.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose what I have as the current life setup that I have.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the fear of possibly losing the nature and animals and the community I live within. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the fear of the future and what could happen or not happen and whatever happens, will determine hat I lose, and thus live in the fear of what I can lose. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose the LIFE I have currently and to not have a possible future that will put me in a similar position that I am within now be live and do what I do.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear of loss and what I can lose if the future does not look to good or bright within my life in terms of finances.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in separation of what is here as a whole for all life in any given moment and to thus not stand one and equal as a solution within changing who I am as life as any and all possible situations and to walk what is best for all. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose the community/farm I live on currently and thus all and any projects and plans I have that could have had potential to help many.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I go to the point of fear of loss and what it might mean if the point of loss manifests and that it means that is the end, and thus already placing myself in a position of disempowerment as the limitations of the mind, instead of seeing who I am within the lowest point not just within myself but also physically and how I will stand up and direct myself to push to create and manifest what is within me again, as it is in my name GIAN/Again.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the fear of what if, what could have been, instead of what is here, direct and act, live. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose my position within this world as an empowered position as one of the people that have money, while billions have nothing, and thus living in fear of having to live what others are living, and thus revealing my dishonesty as what I am still accepting and allowing within this world for others but I am not willing to walk that path with them one and equal. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can lose anything as long as I have myself, and thus I see and realize that YES I can lose a position, Yet I am still here, I can still breathe and direct and express me. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the fear of loss within me and what is it showing me as a gift of where I have still separated myself, and where I have created a point of dependency, not standing as who I am within me in all ways one and equal as all life in each and every breath, and thus fear losing what I have defined myself accordingly with. 

 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that fear of loss that is here is showing me that I still fear and this not living here but in a near future that is still a projection of when I believe I will live and be ready and thus Fear losing what is here that is making up for me not standing, like crutches, my home, my money, my family, my environment, and thus I only act and live when it is necessary to prevent the loss from manifesting, instead of acting out of pure will as standing as what is best for all and not out of fear to only prevent the fear of loss to manifest and thus create exactly that fear, to manifest that loss, as I am only standing one and equal to what I fear losing instead of what I am capable of here creating in all breath without fear. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I might have to live if I lose what I have. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear actually having to live the word suffering compared to me living stress.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the word stressed as if it can be compared to living to suffer.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to live to have to beg for food or dig through dustbins to find a meal. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to have to sleep on the streets where I am open to all sorts of abuse. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to die on the streets never having used what I had to change this world for all where such possibilities aren't possible for anyone. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how I will or might experience myself within losing everything I had and to thus LOSE myself as I define myself to what I had and then to also define myself according to what will happen me on the streets and to change in ways I never thought possible as FEAR. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to become and living my fears.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Feel powerless within my fear manifesting and that I must slowly prepare myself for it already and so already give up and already manifest the outcome. Instead of stopping the fear, dropping any fear of loss, forgiving the pre-programmed fears through realizing them for what they are and to actually dare to live without fear through seeing and understanding that since I am already willing to manifest my fear through my actions and thus live it, what do I have to lose through fully and completely living without fear and to stand up and change in fact to live without fear as I am already prepared to live my fear, I can not lose anything but the fear and Breathe and thus LIVE as what is best for all life, standing as a voice for life, standing as that point of self-honesty.

Day 560 – Good day Racism

Today I had an interesting moment, I went to visit a family and to help their children within Education in a town that is quite far away and in the middle of nowhere, well the middle of nowhere for me.

After my appointment which lasted a couple of hours, I was thirsty and hungry, so I went to stop at the “mall” if that is what we can call this place I stopped at.

There were a couple of shops and restaurants. I went to the shop and ordered myself a small Pizza and something to drink, the lady at the counter said that it will take about 15min before the pizza is ready. So I decided to go for a walk.

Now, just to give you a bit more of picture of where I am, about 99.99% of all the people in this town aren’t white people, predominantly black.

Since I have walked my Desteni Process for many years now, I inside of myself have no thoughts, no back chat or any kind of movement within me of “I am white” or “they are Black” – all I have inside of me when I am among humans is that we are all humans, here. Obviously through a lot of Self forgiveness and breathing I was able to remove pre-programming and brainwashing that forms voices and shit in our head that apparently we have to fear one another due to some differences.

So here I am walking, not even halfway into my walk I already had two people coming to me and say “ sir, white man, I want some food, some money” and I wasn’t even the person that looked like I have money, compared to the other people there, but because I am white I am asked as the one guy told me to face - I breathed and I stopped any thought or emotion in the one breathe and I looked at the perosn and said, sorry, I have nothing for you, we must fix this system for everyone to always have money (investigate livingincome.me) , but it does not occur to me in my conversations with people that they are black or white or brown and I am white, to me it is always simple, what is this person saying/doing, and not what is this “race” saying and doing in relation to me as my race– and I didn’t have anything to give them.

So in the crowds of people someone is suddenly waving at me, a person that is coming towards my direction, I took a look and I saw this person is giving me a smile and a wave, like he knows me, for a split second I picked my hand up to wave back, but then it clicked, this guy is white and he is waving at me ONLY because I am white (we were the only two white people there, so how obvious was this wave?)– so I did not pick up my hand fully to wave at him, Because I saw in that moment how racist it is what he was doing, he was literally only greeting me, and only because I am white, I didn’t see him greet anyone else the same way, and I certainly haven’t been waiving at every single person around me just to be friendly, so how would this have looked like If I waved at this total stranger just because he is white, but I am not doing the same for any of the other people around me, so I once again took a breath, I saw what me waving back would have supported within this persona nd thus within this world, such a small innocent act.

It was fascinating to witness and live this moment and who I am within it, because waving back, and especially in the way and manner of how this guy did it, like he waved at me as if he was seeing an old friend, a family member even and that because this friend, family member is here he can feel saver and not alone, which showed me that he has been living his life in complete separation of all the other human beings that surrounds him and only connecting with his own color of people, I mean that’s a limitation anyone places on themselves, if you are going to be racist your world is very tiny and lonely.
So I corrected myself, I did not wave back in support of this persons stance within society and what he is living out, I promoted equality in the living flesh, the correction, not identifying myself with anyone as their mind’s as who is what and how, and to equalize all humans within me as beings. This way I find it is much easier to breathe and to fucking chill, it is like if you remove yourself from this ridiculous racial bullshit that goes on in this world, inside of yourself, then there is no side one must pick to stand by, there is not “race” that one must support or not just because of the race factor of color and a few physical differences.

But, common sense is still required – even though I stop any racism within me, any discrimination's within me, it does not make it so for others and what they have accepted and allowing within themselves, but stopping it within me I have seen how much less I am prone to the bullshit fights and discord that takes place in the line of racism. Because your behavior changes, your internal reality is what everyone sees, the secret bullshit that goes on within any person is what is being seen on the body as the expressions, no matter how much one pretend, micro expressions gives it all away, the physical communicates with all its parts here as life all the time and that communication is happening on a secret level that only the physical can read and understand, so there is NO point in pretending to not be a racist – keep it simple and real and actually STOP your back-chat, your fucking gossip about others inside of yourself and what you spew out to other people, and get real with what is here as Life and resonate that.

Day 490 - Personality as a point of view

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I have through my acceptance and allowances of thought made myself less than my thoughts.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the moment I accept or allow a thought to create any form of fear/anxiety/stress or any other movement within me, that I have made myself less than a thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself less than a thought through accepting and allowing thoughts to “mean” something within myself as the relationship that I have created within me towards/with thoughts.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the moment a thought direct me as the physical being, that I have submitted to thoughts as having power over me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize, that thought/thoughts are but a point of view/opinion that is “separate from reality and not in fact reality as it is taking place inside MY mind and not real in reality, and thus it isn’t real.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that each and every thought I have is MY point of View and not reality in fact, as each and every thought that I have as my point of view exists as me as my acceptance and allowance to sustain a personality, so that I can say I exist as an individual who has MY own point of view of reality, coming from a point of fear of losing my “mental self” as the personality that I have as the thoughts I have as my points of view/opinions that I have – that is deliberately created within conflict to be able to sustain friction that creates Mental energy so that I can keep creating this mental friction just to sustain a limited existence as a mental individual as thoughts – my point of view on reality. Seeing and realizing that there HERE is only one reality and that MY point of view on reality will always differ from ALL other humans as long as I hold on to personality as the mental self, the projected self, not the living self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take “thought” and having thoughts as something to be taken lightly, not seeing and realizing that each and every thought I accept and allow as my point of view on reality, as my mental projection that keeps my mental self as my personality alive, that I am in fact creating a personality of disharmony, of friction, that can never move to a point of living what is best for all LIFE as me, living as what is here in each and every breath as the real physical reality we all share equally, that does not require opinion, of points of views or ideas or personalities to be what it is, what is here as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my point of view on reality is relevant, that my point of view of what I interpret of reality is important and bring big insights and realization, though having these points of views in my mind as thought, as idea, as opinion that is and will be by its design always be in conflict with all other mental selves as all mental selves require for their own existence to have different points of views on reality to have friction to keep creating mental energy that then can be used by each being to make the statement, I am individual, I am unique, this is my personality, because Look at my point of view on reality with all my believes/Ideas and opinions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that thought is the Veil in front of my physical eyes, that does not allow me to see common sense that is HERE existent as the physical, but rather to only see points of views as my opinions, beliefs, ideas and thus as my “personality”.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that common sense only exist within the physical, and not within the mind, as the mind is a mental self, not a physical self, and a mental self can only interpret and project, create illusions and delusions, not see reality and what is here, and thus as long as there is one thought in my mind I am living behind a veil and I will fail as the mind will prevail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to train my body to submit to thoughts and the energy that thought as the mind as the mental self uses to numb or to paralyze the body to do as the mind wants for its own limited survival and to train my body to simply give in and trust the mind/thoughts as the minds point of view on reality.

Day 478 - I am a South African

Yes it is true, I live on a continent called Africa, and I am in a country that is based on the southern tip of Africa, I was born in this country and I was raised in this country, I have the language of this county and I have the cultures of this country, I also have the personality of this country because this is where I was born.

All my life I have been proud to be a South African, I have held this nation within me as MY COUNTRY, I felt honored to be here, I used to watch sports where we compete against other countries and I would scream and be all hyped up for OUR COUNTY, my country to win, because if my country win I can say even with more PRIDE that I am from this country.

Over time I took on a personality, a character that is SOUTH AFRICAN – this is quite interesting, because there are many types of characters/personalities within South Africa, due to us having such a wide range of races living here, each race having their own back ground and each race within our/their races having different cultures and religions, yet there is an overall personality of an South African that we all have in common, it is a beingness, it is the substance of the people living in SA that is of the same.

I am a Caucasian, a white young man living in South Africa, I grew up after Apartheid, so I do not know the struggles, and I do not need to know it, yes I must be educated about the past to not to repeat it, but I do not have to know it, that’s why Mandela did what he did, so that I do not have to know it, live it, experience it and be a fresh new beginning for all humans.

And this is where I am about to make my point, I may be of South Africa, this may be my birth location, this may be the land that I grew up on, but I am not actually a South African, because I could have easily been born in China instead of here, or in America, or in Russia, or in any other country, and then what?? Then I would be a Russian, or a America, or a Chinese, or a European and then I would have had a personality/character of that country, the same as I have one now of South Africa.

So what makes my South African personality so unique or so special, or my culture or religion, if it could easily have been anything else just because of where I was born or could have been born, a complete different family or race or culture and that would have been me then.

So I have come to realize and see for myself everything within me that I value as a South African has to change, the starting point within me for why do I want to be a South African, why do I want to label myself as that, as that personification that I add to my nature/character (the attribution of a personal nature or human characteristics to something nonhuman) that comes with it.

What if my country got destroyed today and I had to move somewhere else, who would I be then? I can’t claim I am a South African then, South Africa is non-existent then.

There are so many point that I as a South African can look at myself and who I am and how much of who I am comes from the idea/belief/opinion of my country and how I have shaped myself according to those ideas/beliefs/opinions, and to within this I can see more weaknesses within me or strong points, and I can see how many of them are simply a result of the idea/belief/opinion I have of my country, and because I have valued myself, and defined myself and affiliated myself as my country thus I am now subject to all these things that isn’t ME, or who I am, yet at this moment it is who I am, because I have accepted and allowed it to be so, to be so natural.

It is quite a limitation within itself – I have over the years met dozens of people that come from other countries and cultures and races and I have spent months with these people and even married a specific one ; ), and it turns out we are all exactly the same, till it comes to talking about countries, it becomes a comparison, it becomes a competition, it becomes very interesting, how each one is naturally defending their country and making their country their own, divide and conquer is truly a weapon of mass destruction, it is imbedded within each of us, our country, our nationality – we can leave our country for many years, we can be away for as long as we like, but deep inside there is a program laying in waiting to fight for your country.

But I have found within myself quite a change regarding this point, because I have stopped participating within all the “normal” cultural events and TV, for the past seven years, it has opened me up to truly develop myself as a human being instead of a South African, and I have come to realize that there are so many negative things attached to each and every country that people take on as their own, as if being born into a certain country means you must be this or that, or the people in your country are placed into a stereo type definition, and now me as my country have to fit into that stereo type of person.

MY country is so though, my country is dumb, my country is intelligent, my country is uneducated, my country is poor, my country is rich, my county is sophisticated, my county has the best people, my country is uncool, my country is better than your country – here I am mentioning things we all have in mind at some point, and we take those generalizations about our countries or others and we make it part of ourselves, of our actions, of how we interact with others, and this is a limitation, it is within boundaries of who we can be, image the world as one.

So I suggest for us as a human race to overcome all the problems we face culturally or in religions, or within races or within any other things that separates you from the world, to let go of it, you were simply born into the country, into the body into the cultures, into the religions that you are now and could have easily been anything else if you were born somewhere else, and by this self-honest common sense reasoning let go off the separation of countries, of people of races or cultures and religions and realize, it isn’t you, you after death is what remains. And I can guarantee it’s none of what we are fighting for so strongly now as our limitations.

I am from South Africa, its a saying of reference, not a statement of who I am. I love South Africa's weather and the nature and the environments of nature and the sun are all references and likes, not who I am. I want to live here because it is fun here, it is joyous here sometimes, those are statements of preferences, not of who I am, who I am must be able to live anywhere and be the same, as death will be our final destination. did we live as one and as equals will be our test, did we manifest a life that is best for all life, those will be the things we take with after death as who we are.  

Day 223 – Resistance to Learn from others.

I have had this Idea/Belief of myself that I must learn and discover and find things out for myself, I do this because I fear that if I learn it from someone I will only prove to myself that I can’t learn it myself, I am incapable of seeing what the other person is already seeing.

Thus I have created a resistance within me towards reading/ listening and learning from others, I have created a mental state of mind within myself where if I am learning form someone else through listening to them - and what they say makes complete sense (common sense) I only judge myself the whole time as being less than the other person.

When I do listen to someone through talking or reading their blogs, I feel that what I am reading cannot be taken serious because I did not get to those points all on my own, so I have learned to only use myself as cross reference within this world, which is pretty dangerous considering the implications of doing that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist reading other peoples blogs within the belief that I cannot learn from them because I must and can only learn from myself or anything I do learn from others are completely useless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear reading what others have to say and to learn from that within the fear of that I will not know what they are saying is correct or not as I haven’t walked all the points for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself as being more and different from others and so fear that when I read their blogs I will not understand it and if it is right or not and that the material can be trusted, seeing and realizing that this is indicating to me that I am not clear within points in my life which I have been postponing to learn from others as I have the belief that I must learn it myself or it will not be real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear learning from others as I fear that what I will learn from them will and cannot be real as I haven’t learned it myself, experienced it for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must experience something for it to be real, giving away my ability within using common sense and being self honest as I now rely on experience to teach me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for experience so that I can learn, seeing and realizing that waiting for experience is like waiting for a meteorite to fall on my head so that I can learn to always check what’s happening, seeing and realizing all it really takes is some common sense and self honesty and living in awareness in and as breathe and that experience isn’t required.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist reading and learning from others as I fear that if I learn or realize something from their blogs/vlogs that they will take away my opportunity to learn and experience it for myself. Seeing and realizing that this is me living in separation of others and not embracing others as me and thus walking the process together one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that I am one being/one human and for me to wait to learn from experience will take millions of lives as there are millions of ways to learn even just one point, and thus it is to keep it simple, breath and be aware as all life within oneness and equality – thus seeing and realizing since we are billions of people on earth we can all learn from each other and make the process quicker and more sufficient for all to not to have to suffer through each and every fucking experience there can be/imagined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Limit myself within constricting myself within learning from others within equality and oneness as me within the idea of separation.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself resist reading a blog to stop and breathe and to read the blog and to see why I resisted and if it is real or not, obviously it is never real that is the point, the resistance isn’t towards anything real, it is a self created limitation that one accept and allowed within self according to ideas/opinions/beliefs of the mind as energy movement within what you like or dislike, it is like perfect brainwashing and mind control.

I commit myself to breathe and read others blogs when and as I have the time and to watch the vlogs, to see if I am clear and that I am standing one and equal as the other being and to stop all forms of limitation such as the beliefs/ideas of separation that only create fear and to walk the process as the other as myself one and usual to be able to stand within all points of Life as that which is best for all life in all ways.

Day 202 - watching a movie and after effects.

Day 202 - watching a movie and after effects.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have conversations within my mind with myself about a certain scene’s from movies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain myself within my mind through re-enacting scenes from movies after I watched the movie where I would pretend to be a character and how I would have played the role.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I play and re-enact scenes from movies in my mind within my head within conversations with myself that I am actually brainwashing myself and creating a character for myself that only feeds the ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I entertain myself within having conversations within my mind about a certain scene from a movie that I have connected something of myself to the story as a character and that I have placed value within such a character and to live this out in the real world, not seeing and realizing that I am mind fucking myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a shit load of noise within my mind when I entertain myself within conversations I have with myself about a certain movie scene where I take the character I “liked” the most and make him even better in my mind – as a way to programmed the characteristics of the fictional character as myself through re-enacting as the character and to take on certain traits, no seeing and realizing that I do not know what other characteristics I am taking on such as a killer, a rapist or a abuser and that one day as I walk in the street and suddenly kill someone I will wonder why I did it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to re-enact as a character from movies certain scenes as a way of programming and brainwashing myself to take on points of and as that character that I have separated myself from as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when I play out scenes and characters from movies after watching it within my mind that I must look at why I am doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see a character within a movie that I “like” because the character had confidence or good looks or courage or strength or he is smart, that I am within acting out trying and attempting to brainwash myself to be the same, when in fact I am only re-enforcing myself to be separate of it as I am doing it all in the mind in another reality, not seeing and realizing that if what I see in another character that I like I can simply look at myself physically and where I need correction within myself as who I am one and equal and not within separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fuel my mind within entertaining the characters I see in movies that I like through constantly playing out scenes and to within this distract myself from reality and what is here and lose focus and in the end mind fuck myself when I come back to reality and realize that what I played out in my mind was me attempting to be more than reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to be more then reality through entertaining characters from movies within my mind, and to within this create more and more self judgment of myself as I will always feel less than the pictures and conversations I make up in my mind in reality and feel that I am less then and separate from that.

I commit myself to when and as I am watching a movie to not create connection with the characters within the movies and to instead breathe and stop any and all energy movement not to brainwash myself and mind fuck myself.

I commit myself to when and as I am done watching a movie to sit for a second or two and to take a deep breath and breathe and to not entertain the mind as delusions and creating mind fucks for myself.

I commit myself to when and as I am talking within my mind already and playing out characters and scenes to stop through taking a breather and realizing it is not real and I am fucking with myself and distracting me from reality and what is here.

I commit myself to when and as I am within my mind participating in characters and playing out movie scenes to stop and question what I am doing, and to realize it is mind control and brainwashing happening within me, and to investigate what it is that is happening in me and to stop through writing and applying self forgiveness to stop all separation and judgments.

Day 48 - I have a crush on you, crushing you

Day 48 - I have a crush on you, crushing you

See how a crush on somebody is actually you crushing the being within your secret mind to accept you, to like you and to love you, having a crush on someone isnt far from how a rapist are born, the same process happens in the mind, some choose to follow the crush into a relationship and have sex, some forces the crush and the sex, but in the mind the thoughts, the play-out, the fantasies, the desire is all the same. Best to stop.

I had so many secret cruses on girls in my life, never having the guts to go up to them and introduce myself and start to know each other.

I kept the relationships all to myself in my head in secret, I would have probably spared myself hundreds of hours where I was stuck in my mind about some girl I had a crush on, if only I took the real time and went to talk with them and burst the fucking bubble relationship in my mind that consumed me and my life.

WHY - because I did not know the girls at all that I had secret crushes on, I only saw them, observed them, heard them. So everything about them that I like is made up in my mind - so the girl I have this secret crush on is literally everything I like because I am making her who I want her to be in my head where I only have my own limited knowledge/information and my own desires/fantasies etc that I now project onto her as if it is who she is and I like her for that, BUT when I go and talk to them it all goes away, because I realize what I created in my mind was all a delusion, and reality check is something different.

I never gave myself the reality check till I got older and wasted so much time in my mind

So why did I create secret crushes with girls in my mind within my environment, it was because I had certain insecurities, judgments, beliefs, ideas about myself that made me less than them in my mind, that made me feel like i will never in reality have a chance with them, and so I created it all in my mid, the secret crush was only a constant point of conformation to myself that I am not good enough, that I am less as I had to create the relationship within my mind and not in reality.

Time to end the mind relationship and create all relationships, realityships where all relationships are equal in and as the physical as life as that which is best for all, time to end the separation and mind fucks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as less than certain girls/women within this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force girls in my mind in my secret relationships to like me and to accept me due to my own insecurities and not accepting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create secret relationships in separation of another being within my mind to feel acceptance through forcing the being within my mind to like me for who I am, realizing that the truth will be different and thus I compromise my communication within my world towards certain people as I know i am forcing the being in my secret mind to accept me and thus I will have shame and discomfort around them as I know I wasn't self honest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not good looking enough for certain girls and therefore create relationships within my mind where they always accept me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create relationships within my mind where girls always accept me to not have to face the reality of myself as who have accepted and allowed myself to belief who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be within my own self judgments and beliefs and idea about myself when I am faced with in having to actually communicate with a girl that I have placed as more than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create some girls as more than other within my mind through my own judgment and believes of myself projected onto them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be insecure around certain girl and not around others as this behavior is only confirming my own insecurities as being real, never realizing that it is only who i accept and allow myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have back chat and certain thoughts about certain types of girls and within this create my own fear and insecurities based on my back chat and thoughts that I had that is based on my own self judgment and beliefs of myself and so when i face the girls I experience the energies that I generated within my mind as the thoughts and back chat.

I forgive myself that i have not realized that when i experience a energetic vibrant feeling/emotion within my body when I talk to a certain girl that I am only experiencing my own generated energy that I build up within secret as my own back chat and thoughts that is built on my own self judgments and beliefs I created within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create feeling and emotions towards specific girls that I want/desire/fantasize about in order to make them more than me within my mind so that the relationship I create within my mind may feel special, as I now belief I am able to have a relationship with someone that I never thought could be possible in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire relationship to make me feel accepted and to through this desire create secret relationship within my mind where i am always accepted, realizing that it inst real and only a delusion that I am creating to hide from who I have accepted and allowed myself to be as self judgment.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that all secret relationships within my mind will always be perfect as they are designed and constructed to be in polarity with my own self judgments and beliefs and ideas about myself to make me feel better about myself, instead of realizing that I have to face who I am as who i have accepted and allowed myself to be and change to that which is best for all life and not on polarity and energy as they always run out and require new fulfillment instead of simply being here with in and as breath as life one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to idolize certain women within my mind, realizing that within idolizing certain women I am creating a inferiority complex towards them and thus sabotaging myself within my world as I can not communicate with them or be a equal as them in the flesh, and thus I see that within idolizing some women above others due to physical characteristics I am supporting the beauty industry that makes billions of me as I will buy their magazines to simply watch and idolize women in separation of myself and self judgments of myself, companies know this and they will abuse it to make profits.

To be continued...

Day 22 - walk alone as LIFE. (all as one)

I walk alone - this is not referring to actual walking but a walk with in LIFE.

Today the point opened up, No matter what I do, where I am, with who I ma or how I am, I am always alone with myself and Who I am.

Through out my life I have tried surrounding myself with what ever I could just not be alone, yet I always felt alone, the nights or days where I would be by myself in my room in front of the PC or where I am at party's, at school or in any public place or with any person in my life, I always had a experience of myself  being alone, no matter how much I made someone love me or loved someone else or no matter how much I tried keeping things close to me, I was always alone, because I realized that when the time comes - this time will be death - I will be all alone with myself as WHO I AM.

So Tonight I was standing outside to stretch my legs and as I was standing there I realized I was thinking, and not here at all, I was in my mind, I looked at a rock on the ground and I stopped thinking, I could see the rock, I noticed the rock, I then looked around me and I saw reality here, the physical, I then realized I am alone, no matter how many thoughts or feelings or emotions I fill myself up with to hide the fact that I am alone with myself - it is inevitable that I will at death, the same as everyone else face myself alone, I realized in that moment that all thoughts, all emotions, all memories will simply be gone, and who will I be by myself with out all the thoughts, emotions and feeling and memories that I used to hide and keep the truth from myself. 

Self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone with in my walk as Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear walking alone as myself as who I am this life within re-birthing myself as LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give the word "alone" a negative energy charge through what I have seen in movies, magazines and that I have heard from others as their opinions believes and judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge "alone" as being a bad thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect being "alone" with a negative energy, realizing that as Life being alone or being with people must not change who I am as who I am as one and equal as all life, thus being one with all that is here alone as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a personality separate from me when I am alone that determines who I am, instead of being here in each breath equal and one with all that exist as life, with in this I am never alone but here as all life as myself as Who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain myself with thoughts and the mind  to hide from the fact that I am alone no matter what I do or where I am, because I will always be with me as one being facing myself in all ways with in what I accept and allow to exist as LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain myself with feeling and emotions as a way to run and hide from being alone with myself as Who I am, and to face myself as who i am within all self honesty and to correct myself with in re-birthing myself as life, so that when I am alone that I do not change but remain equal and one as all that is here in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create multiple personalities for myself with in my mind to talk to by myself where ever I am, just so that I should not be alone with myself here in the physical, as I have attached a negative emotional feeling with in being alone, realizing that no matter how much I try and hide that I am alone as all that is here one and equal as me, that I will face myself as all that is here one and equal at death for what I have accepted and allowed to exist with in the world as consequences as WHO I AM, either as life or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest and create a world of entertainment and abuse with in all relationships through the fear of loss through the fear of being alone, realizing that all I have ever done with in all relationships was only out of fear and not actual care for LIFE as myself, as I only wanted to hold on to everything just so that I should not be alone and facing myself as WHO I AM!!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act on the fear of being alone, and with in this enslave and manifest a world of slavery where I believe I can hold on to things as long as I can just so that I should not be alone, realizing that through these actions I have separated myself from all LIFE as that which is here and neglected life instead through becoming greedy with in holding onto things and exploiting things for my own self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and hide my oneness with all life though the fear of being alone with myself as who I am as all life as one in fact and to with in this fear act out and create the world that exist today with all other beings here, as I have accepted and allowed them as myself to continue living and acting out in fear of being alone, fear of death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking self responsibility for who I am as being alone, being one as all in fact and to stand up and take responsibility for what is here, as I realize that who I am all alone with myself is what is creating this world/reality and so as I change who I am with in each breathe, I change what is here as me as one as equals.

Commitments.

I commit myself to be with myself where ever I am as I rebirth myself, so that I will be certain and clear on WHO I AM alone with myself so that no one else may determine it but only me, and to write and apply self forgiveness and using the tools that is here to birth myself as life, as that which is best for all life in all ways.

I commit myself to stand alone, with in standing alone as me I take complete self responsibility for myself as WHO I AM, stopping all blame and projection and all judgments, thus I commit myself to when I see I go into blame, judgment, projection to write it out and to apply self forgiveness as I realize  that in those moments I am not standing alone as myself but instead of placing it on others as blame, judgment, projection in fear of being alone with myself stopping the lie that I have created myself as in the fear of being alone.

I commit myself to when ever I see I attach myself to someone/something to stop and to bring everything back to self where I can stand alone with myself in self honesty and to rebirth myself as life one and equal as all that is here, to stop all fear and separation and to stand as one as all (alone) as equals in each breath.

I commit myself to expose and stop all abuse with in myself where I have separated myself from life in fear of loss, being alone and where I have abused and manipulated to attache people/things to be to hide the fear, but to instead expose the fear, the lie and to face myself as WHO I AM alone and to re-birth myself as life one and equal as all that is here as Life as that which is best for all life as myself.

Understand walking alone, does not mean alone physically like leave everything and everyone and be alone, it is with in self, taking self responsibility for self and WHO I AM with in self to be able to stand alone at all times as LIFE as all is one, to end fear and separation that is manifesting this world the way it is in abuse and deception and suffering as the consequences.

identify brainwashing/viruses with - Bernard Poolman -Virus Free Mind