Feeling Trapped - Day 660

When I was a teenager, I had a secret bag in my closet, packed with what I deemed "survival gear" lol. This bag was a manifestation of my readiness to sneak out of the house and disappear, to run away, to get out of the TRAP we call life.

I would lay in my bed at night, spending a lot of my time thinking about how I would run away, where I would go, what I would do, even to the point where I would be willing to kill others on my journey if they wanted to harm me. I would then think about how to hide the bodies, what to do with the bodies to not be caught, I had the idea that since I am a runaway, no one would suspect me, or find me.

My idea of running away once manifested for about 45min, I climbed out of a window with my bad, I started walking, down the street, it was very dark, very quiet, and I knew where I wanted to go.

I walked all the way to the highway which stretched for hundreds of kilometers away from everything into the wilderness of life. I stood still at this highway, I took in the cool fresh air, I looked around a bit, taking in the view. Then I heard a few men and bottles behind me moving and making noises, I immediately RAN as fast as I could all the way back to my parent's house, climbed into the back through the window and got back into bed.

My idea was shattered. I remained trapped in this world, I could not even leave my home freely, without fear of being murdered, kidnapped and who knows what else.

I had this feeling of being trapped no matter where I was, with friends, family, new people I lived with, relationships, name it all, I always ended up feeling trapped, stuck, like whatever I am in now is the reason for me to feel trapped, so I HAD to get the fuck out, IF I got out, well you guessed it, I felt trapped again not too long after in the new place, new people, new everything.

I became addicted to certain music, trance, techno, and many other types of music as a way to escape into my mind, eventually, I felt trapped by the music lol.

With walking my Desteni process I asked myself one question on a day after doing some great self-forgiveness - what if I am the trap, that traps everything and everyone else, what if I am responsible for trapping things through my constant experience of being trapped as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to TRAP other people within my experience of being trapped, and so actually create and manifest not just the experience of being a victim that is trapped, but live in such a way that I actually trap myself and others within my reality as being trapped as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself within the thoughts that I am trapped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself within my own patterns and habits designed and laid out of that being trapped, and so actually trap myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see reality as a trap, and so see everyone else as people that t that want to trap me, and thus already create distrust within me towards others based on an illusionary world in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize the trap I have been trying to run away from was/is within me as the mind, as the thoughts/behaviors/patterns that I participate within religiously as truth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse others through constantly holding the judgement within me that they are stupid trapped people that does not even know it and so they are less than human, and more like zombies, and so use people only for my own persuit of happiness in escaping the trap and being free, while trapping everyone else by abusing them.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize how I abuse others and do onto others exactly that which I fear is being done onto me within my MIND as an idea/feeling/thought, and yet manifesting it into reality through my living/bahaviour and patterns.
I forgive myself that I have not seen how I caused and created a TRAP of fear for my parents of me wanting to run away, out of a fear and feeling of msyelf for being trapped.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to SEE and realize how I trapped women in pamen in pain and emotional turmoil by cheating on them, breaking up with them just because I felt trapped.

I forgive myself that I have not seen and realized that I as teh paranoid and fearfull person of being trapped, causes and causes enslavement and entrapment through my actions to want to GET out only for myself, and so in the process abuse and trap everyone else. yet I never seem to get out but only more and more trapped as I try to get out.

I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realize that the more I want to get out of the trap of being poor, thus not being rich and so pushing to get out at any cost, I am pushing others int poverty and trapping them in the exact position that I want to get out of.

I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realized that I must stop, simply stop, any and all enegry, all movement within as energy, breathe and move myself from HERE as a single point of movement as living what is best for all standing one and equal as ALL that is here, to see and realize that we are ALL trapped, and we ALL want the same, feel the same, need the same in common sense, and so there is NO way only I am getting out unless we all get out one and equal, where getting our does not mena running away, but where we all stand for and as each other in oneness and equalyt, changing the system, supporting one another within personal change, and not to push someone else down so that one can be ontop.

Day 433 – Indicators to reach Self-Perfection.

Is it possible to reach self-Perfection? Now I am not talking about self-perfection like when you take a look in the mirror and wanting to see self-perfection as a Picture.

I am talking about self-perfection as self, as who I am and who you are and then what I do and what you do.

Now, the question has been, how do I know what to do and to change to reach self-perfection? Where do I start and what is the indicator’s I must look out for to know what I must do and when and how?
First of all, I realized that I have to be serious about reaching self-perfection; I had to make a decision within myself that I am going to move and direct myself to self-perfection and within that, it takes time, dedication and effort and thus patience yet movement.

and realizing that I cannot do this alone, this is why earth is such a awesome place, everything has consequences and feedback and thus a chance to correct and learn and self-realize, not just because there are humans here, but because everything is Here as the physical.  

This decision within self/myself I had to make first, because this is where I establish the relationship with myself, and who I will be within what comes next, the indicators that will indicate where and what I must do and when.

BUT before I go into what the indicators are I want to bring up another point to consider on self-perfection, to take into account, self-perfection isn’t what people believe it to be, we all have this idea attached to “perfection” in itself, these are two different things, self-perfection is about self and my/your reality/world that you/I participate within and who we are within it.

Thus SELF-PERFECTION is about self, not other people, not about judgment and comparisons; it is something we do for ourselves all ways regardless of what others say/think. It is perfecting self.

Back to the indicators: the indicators can be seen and be explained in many ways – I like to always give a “personal example” to give people a concept to understand and to see for themselves in their own life a similar point.

So here is my example, a very simple daily thing.

Every day in my house there are these things all around the house called Dishes – Humans use these things on a daily basis more than ones, I myself understand the frustration of wanting to reach for a cup to have some coffee and then there isn’t any cups, not even one, I look to the sink and I see, OH they are all dirty, so I know I am a culprit in this, if I wasn’t, then there would have been a clean cup every now and then, the one I washed, but I didn’t, just like everyone else, we tend to do what everyone else is doing, so it must be normal, because they are doing it, it means they are accepting and allowing it and thus I can do it. because now they will not be angry at me for not doing it, so we are all now stuck in this “silent agreement” that no one has to do their own dishes and we will all just “enjoy” life till someone has to do the accumulated dishes, its standing like everywhere on the counter.

So I took it upon myself to do all my dishes, not as a way to be righteous or spiteful or to back up a future conflict where I can stand in the “right” and not in the wrong and make everyone else feel shitty.

NO – it started this way, I made an agreement with myself to work towards self-perfection – for myself, so what happened after every cup of coffee or after every plate of food, I would finish the coffee or food and I would walk to the sink and I would find that there isn’t any space to place my dishes – But there was another way, and it was like the only way, it was really a very clear indicator for me what had to happen next – I had to actually wash my own dishes and dry it off and put it away, because the only space left was the space we made for them to stay, in the cupboard and clean.

But that wasn’t the real indicator, that was just a accumulated point of consequences and now the INNER ME as who I am as that which determines what I do was exposed to me, and the reasons behind why I always just wanted to put my plate or cup down and Go.

These indicators came up within me in that moment when I did not find a space to place my dishes, it was a reaction, a thought and then there was this thing called resistance, and then the resistance showed me as a mini projector playing in my head what needs to happen next, which was me seeing myself washing my dishes and drying them off and placing them in the cupboard – and then why I did not want to do it. This revealed a point of Laziness and a point of inconvenience and thus comfort-zone.

Let me give you another example if that one wasn’t to clear: I was fetching a bottle for myself from the store room and another one for another person, I saw that they were both full of dust and needed to be washed, so I went to the house, I knew I had to wash my bottle now, and I had the thought of washing the other persons bottle as well, but I had this resistance of doing it, because it’s the other persons bottle so he must wash it himself, so as I went to the person I handed over his bottle, But I did it feeling guilty, because I knew that I was going to wash my bottle and could have just washed his as well, but instead went against what I knew. So I started washing my bottle and the other person says to me, so why are you not also washing my bottle, I mean you must have known it needed to be washed before we could use it, yet you give it back to me dirty and full of dust but you will wash only yours? Then I laugh from a guilty conscious and said, I knew it, I wanted to do it but instead went against it, and I took the bottle and I washed it as well.

See the point of self-perfection is to do what you Know you must be doing, not what I think you must be doing, what you know you must be doing, there is a difference, thinking what you must be doing it where the mind is making decisions on made up stuff, Knowing what you need to do it real time real physical things that is here, it isn’t deniable and its haunting – it’s like walking past the cat food bowl and seeing its empty and just going, It needs to be filled, YET leaving it because apparently its someone else’s job, and then a week later the cat is dead, and then you go, I knew it.

The indicators are usually in the forms of resistance and then the moments of KNOWING what you must be doing, instead of what one is doing, its these things that if one starts doing it you will find yourself changing in a way that’s not predictable, because they are moment to moment dependent, breathe by breathe – unless its set stuff, scheduled, they are also just important but it’s not getting to the scheduled things that later on create the same moments where one goes, I knew I should have don’t that.

So how does this lead to self-perfection? Well it’s about self, it’s about you, it’s about me and who we are and what we are capable of doing that is best for ALL life in our own self change/perfection. 
Where we perfect ourselves as who we are in each breathe. Which is something we all still need to discover, yes it’s not impossible because it’s not picture related, it’s not energy related, it’s not limited to mind fantasies and imaginations, its physical living, which we all can do and perfect ourselves within.

It is those moments when you know – when you see it’s something you resist doing, when its compassionate, when its considerate when it’s not within self-interest, when it’s not about just self, when its more and beyond self, where one has to move to, where one has to let go of the limitations and the excuses and the justifications and the self-righteous reasons/logic/back-chat and where ones expands oneself in each breathe in each moment and where one becomes the universe, as you in reverse.

FYI – don’t confuse this with when you “think” I should probably go to that party now, because its been on my mind all night that I should probably go But I am not because I am resisting being with that other person etc, NO – remember the difference between thinking and knowing, knowing is, when even if there is a party going on that you are not going to – you KNOW you are staying home because you KNOW you must stop drinking and rather do some work around the house, which has been avoided through going to parties all the time – For Examples sake.

Day – 48 – bad boy continued.

This is a continuation of Day 47 – loving the bad boy

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when someone judges me as bad that it does not mean I am bad and therefore must now live as being bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when I accept someone else calling me bad that I am actually not bad until I go out and do physical things in my life and create myself as bad deliberately within my actions, and thus it is not the other person to blame as I am clearly self responsible for my own actions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the bad boy personality is just another personality that I have created myself through my own self judgments and insecurities.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when I went out and started living differently within acting out in life against the system as being bad within spitefulness that I was actually only harming myself as I set myself on the path of self destruction, instead of realizing that the system is fucked up and the current limited way of life where society imposes good and bad onto people through their own self created believes and idea on what is good and bad instead of living what is best for all life and thus instead realizing that I must be self honest and change the god damn system to what is best for all life and to not accept and allow a system that is fear based and judgmental towards life as normal.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the bad boy act/personality was part of my ticket to getting sex as I learned that girls like bad boys and so I pursuit in my journey of self destruction to fulfill one desire of obtaining sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that being a bad boy to spite others is actually me spiting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the bad boy live just happened to me, suppressing and denying all the actions I took within the physical as living and creating events situations to have certain experiences to upgrade myself to a bad boy as where I made it part of me, and thus it did not just happen to me, I am responsible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself believe I am a victim within who I am and become through my own actions that I take.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself within my actions as if I cannot stop myself as if I am forced to do the thing si do as the bad boy, realizing that I can simply stop and change as I am the one moving and directing myself to do the things I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to the excitement of being a bad boy, realizing that the energy as excitement that I get from doing the bad boy things will run out and that I will seek it like a drug addict seeking his next hit, and that this will lead to me doing more and more extreme things that would lead to consequences that will harm me and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider the physical consequences I am creating for myself and others within trying to be a bad boy in spitefulness towards those tat has judged me as bad, realizing that I am only harming myself in spite of the evidence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to break down relationships in my world and hurting others through my actions as being a bad boy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a asshole as the ad boy act personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  gossip about other people and being nasty to them just to keep up the bad boy act as being better more and less limited as a self created believe based on the idea I have created about myself as being a bad ass, realizing I am only placing my judgments as gossip and my insecurities on others and projecting myself on them to hide my own shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a jerk towards my fellow humans and animals and plants in the name of being s spiteful shit through not taking self responsibility for myself and who I am, and giving away myself responsibility to accept and allow others to influence me as who i am and live it out in blame and self pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as spitefulness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately abuse girls as the excuse of I am a bad boy – you should have expected it from me, realizing that I am within this only creating more consequences for myself as I break people and relationship around me till I am all alone and fucked within this world, realizing I created it for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body through drinking and drugs and fighting and doing crazy stunts to show off in the name of being a bad boy, realizing the physical consequences has a high price and then the bad boy will be a useless bag of meat at a early age or older.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in secret as a pretentious bad boy and to be a pretentious ass in front of others never finding out who I really am, as I decide who I am and not giving myself this chance through constantly feeding polarities on both ends missing myself completely.

I commit myself to look within my life where I access the bad boy personality and to see why, to write and to self forgive myself and to stop, to end the abuse caused within my world through spitefulness and blame and to take self responsibility as myself and to bring about a world that is best for all life and not what is based on stupid made up rules of right and wrong, but rather what is practical and best for all life (plants, animals, humans etc) and to stop the creation of mental unstable humans that has split personalities in secret and in front of others and create mental disorders that the medical industries and psychologist make billions off.

I commit myself to expose the current believes and rules of the world as it exist now as not being what is best for all life or any individual as it is based on fear and right and wrong and not what is best for all life as common sense but on stupid make believe ideas/opinions that is based on self interest and imprinted into the children and then play out as mental disorders where the child is constantly in a fight for what is write and what is wrong instead of real values and principles that is best for all life in all ways, thus establishing the equal money system is the path as the common sense system.

Day 47 - Loving the Bad Boy.

This is a follow up on my Blog 46 - I am a Bad Boy.

After accepting myself as being a Bad Boy through accepting and allowing certain events/experiences in my life to determine who I am instead of me and created self judgments and insecurities about myself I created myself as the bad boy - you know the type of guy that looks like he is hiding a secret side, actually you can see it, and you want to find out who that secret guy is, the bad boy.

I realized that girls in general liked the bad boy guys, the bad boy guys always ended up with the girls, so I obviously went out to become the bad boy.

Why do I say went out - because I had to actually now start doing physical things in my life that was seen/judged as bad, as not the usual thing people do/accept to be seen and done out in the open.

This is for instance smoking underage in secret, then it becomes more deliberate smoking in public, getting caught, building the personality through the events, designing myself accordingly, obviously just smoking isnt enough.

I had to do other things, weird thing, I had to get in trouble, I for instance started disrupting the class room and getting chased out, I started participating within groups of kids that seemed more bad such as fighting, swearing a lot, making out with girls in public, writing nasty stuff on walls bad mouthing other kids, teasing other kids, pushing other kids around, groups that did skateboarding.

I for instance went to the mall with some friends, these friends weren't in particular bad boy's, they were regular, so for me to stand out as a bad boy I would take condoms to the mall and fill them with water and roll them around, as regular people would react to this and find  it offensive, condoms are private things and here I am filling them water like it is big penises and rolling them around, then i would go  outside and chuck over the dustbins of the mall, and roll them into the street, obviously I did all of this with lots of laughter, like I was enjoying being spiteful and nasty towards the system.

Then It became more dangerous, i started stealing lots of stuff from different shops, what ever I wanted that could fit into my pockets.

I stole loads of money form people like drunk guys that leave their wallets open, I stole from family members, I stole money from working events, I really went all out, i would even get a couple of friends together that was regular people, and I would ask them do they each want bubble gum, they would say yes, so I would take my wallet out give it to one of them go into the shop and come out with bubble gum, to show them I stole it.

I even stole jewelry for girls and would give it to them as if it was my own hard earned money that I spend just for them.

I started carrying a army knife and knuckle busters to school in my bag and sometimes to the mall in my pants, just for in-case I start a fight or a fight comes to me.

Yet in-front of everyone else in my world I was someone else, like my parents and my friends parents, and my girlfriends parents and everyone else I wasn't "friends" with I was someone else, the bad boy was a secret self, hidden till it is night or I am with friends or alone.

I became addicted to fucking up my life, drinking was the most regular and most prominent part of my life that was increasing exponentially and becoming dangerous.

I stated cheating on all my girlfriend s and leave them after a a few months (2 months was my period)

The energy I got from being the bad boy through being nice and then erupting in moments as being bad, as a polarity game was addictive, as the small things loose their energy charge I had to do more and more and bigger and bigger things, it would have probably ended up as me doing loads of drugs, fighting a lot and being a asshole.

This si the part girls never seem to see, bad boys require excitement to forget about certain events experiences that they have accepted and allowed in their lives to determine who they are, instead of them breathing and forgiving themselves and decide who they are for themselves, and as the excitement runs out the bad boys will seek it out, and it will become dangerous and possession. Bad boys most likely turns into assholes of abusers.

The bad boy is a path of self destruction in the name of spitefulness.

Self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when someone judges me as bad that it does not mean I am bad and therefore must now live as being bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when I accept someone else calling me bad that I am actually not bad until I go out and do physical things in my life and create myself as bad deliberately within my actions, and thus it is not the other person to blame as I am clearly self responsible for my own actions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the bad boy personality is just another personality that I have created myself through my own self judgments and insecurities.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when I went out and started living differently within acting out in life against the system as being bad within spitefulness that I was actually only harming myself as I set myself on the path of self destruction, instead of realizing that the system is fucked up and the current limited way of life where society imposes good and bad onto people through their own self created believes and idea on what is good and bad instead of living what is best for all life and thus instead realizing that I must be self honest and change the god damn system to what is best for all life and to not accept and allow a system that is fear based and judgmental towards life as normal.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the bad boy act/personality was part of my ticket to getting sex as I learned that girls like bad boys and so I pursue in my journey of self destruction to fulfill one desire of obtaining sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that being a bad boy to spite others is actually me spiting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the bad boy live just happened to me, suppressing and denying all the actions I took within the physical as living and creating events situations to have certain experiences to upgrade myself to a bad boy as where I made it past of me, and thus it did not just happen to me, I am responsible.

To be continued..