Fear of missing out – How Bernard Supported me with this point. Part 2

 

This blog is a continuation of Part 1 HERE http://gianjourneytolife.blogspot.co.za/2018/01/fear-of-missing-out-how-bernard.html

 

From Part 1 “I will continue in Part two, sharing more and deeper points as this fear of missing out went from one polarity to another and finding a balance, also how this point was pushed even further by Bernard for me to face in specific moments.”

Fear of missing out has been a big point for me all my life. I would keep myself occupied as much as possible to be out there, to be aware of everything I possibly can, I had this urge to always be in the KNOW, I must know, I have to be informed. I always collected so much data as knowledge and information about people, gossip, and simply human relations. 

I did not want to be the guy that finds out later in an impolite manner about something or in an unexpected way. I wanted to have control of my environments, of the people and what they think of me, what is being said about me, what decisions are going to be made or could possibly be made that might affect my life, so I always wanted to know, this knowledge and information I gathered over time from many corners of my life would be used in secret by myself. I would take information I have gathered where I know I am personally involved, or where I can get involved or what might affect me, and I would play with the information in my mind as to how can I manipulate and change certain outcomes, the people and situations to always be that which I feel save with, where I am sort of in control. 

I did not notice at the time that I was living this program within “fear of missing out” or even how this program worked within a multi-dimensional play-out. 

Why did I fear missing out? Why was this fear within me? I can definitely say that something happened in my life where decisions were made, or events happened that I only found out either in the moment and took it as a shock, as unexpected and it rattled me, it shake my life, it changed everything to a degree for me personally, it took me from a point of feeling secure to a point of feeling insecure. Through such an event (may it have occurred in the first few years of my life here on earth or later on) I now had this fear which became my compass that always guided me to avoid such situations/events or circumstances that affect me personally and my security. 

Thus I had to become a secret agent for my own life, I had to gather as much information and knowledge as possible to then have the upper hand as I would make myself believe. So, I started living my life always focusing on fear, fear of missing out. Because if I miss out then feel vulnerable, I feel naked, I feel like I have nothing in my hands to play my cards on the table. 

Through this “fear of missing out” I have created a LOT of stress within myself, always rushing and hurrying up to get somewhere, I have created a lot of sneaky behaviors to find information from others in secretive ways. This behavior creates stress and fear in itself. 

I never allowed time for ME, and to focus on what I am creating, I rather lived life in a way where I took advantages of circumstances. This meant I had to WAIT a lot, because for the right circumstances to arrive isn’t every day. In the meantime while waiting I am basically spending all my time fishing, finding information and knowledge and filling my mind with so much information of nonsense I had no idea what to do with it except to gossip, to talk and to scheme about others and LIFE all the time. 

This behavior and living created MORE stress and a lot of anxiety, as I was stressing about missing information and being anxious about getting information that I can work with, and getting information I can work with meant it affects me, It had something to do with my life, thus it isn’t always great news, so anxious and excited at the same time. 

When and If I cot information that I believed I could work with, I would feel like I have a purpose and reason to live, to do something. This in return means that I was creating events and situations through my behaviour that even led to me messing up, fucking up and then creating the knowledge and information to come my way to then work with it. This is pretty messed up in terms of how so many things are interlinked and connected and how somehow it created stuff. 

Let me simplify this a bit more with an example. Say my mom and dad are having conflicts/arguing in secret, they do it in their room while we are sleeping and they think we do not know about it, I would stay up till late after pretending to go to sleep. Then I would sneak up to my parents room and listen against the door what is happening, I hear voices but it is mumbling, so I would get “smarter” and go outside, thus sneaking around quietly, my heart is pumping hard as I know I could be found out if they hear me, I am also fearful of what I might hear, so I stress about that. Then I am outside, I am listening in and I find some words, some information, it has something to do with money and spending money and saving money and so forth. I know everything my parents go through involves me, so when I hear money and problems, I go into a massive insecurity within myself and my future, my comfort, my life. I go into ALL kinds of thoughts of what ifs and what should I do or not do. 

I then go to bed after this gathering of knowledge and information, I wake up in FEAR and STRESS, because what do I do now with this knowledge and information. I start thinking a LOT, I start going into a lot of future projections of possibilities. Then I start acting, I start living in a way that makes me feel more secure, I act and behave in ways that makes no sense to anyone but me. I can’t tell my parents why I am behaving the way I am as they would then know I was in secret listening to them and their conversations. Now all day at school and everything else I am doing I am not focused at all, I am not HERE and living, I am in my mind thinking about this all day all the time, current reality loses purpose, I lose touch with it,  am somewhere else. 

This occurred and continued throughout my life over and over and over. This pattern would play out in anything and everything. From relationships, work, popularity and friends, I mean anything and everything. 

If you have read Blog one by now, then the next dimension will be much clearer for you. This next point is how Bernard pushed me daily and on many occasions on this point where it hit me real deep and hard and left me in this weird space of the UNKNOWN.

To be continued.

Day 601 - My Eqafe Hangout Day 4 of 21

For tonight, I have an Eqafe Hangout that I participated in, I will post the link here.

Please, take an Hour to watch somthign different than the usual series, or movie that the system provides, also take a look at the Interview we are talking about here in the hangout.

The Quantum time illusion - https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-the-quantum-time-illusion-part-11

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the MIND is MINE and that I can be a MINE that mines my own physical body as much as I want to, not realizing and seeing that what I accept and allow within me, I am also accepting and allowing within this world, and If I can not even stop myself then how can I expect myself to stop what is being done on a global scale and change this world to a place that is Best for all life, as heaven on earth, as my actual true desire that I have denied myself since I was a child, but suppressed it and gave into living as a Mind Zombie only consuming life.

The Trap of forgiveness from another, Day 7 of 21 – Day 592

Why is Forgiveness from others not the answer to ourselves and changing ourselves?

I have lived this point over and over, where I have done something that upsets another person, or that involved another person and to cause harm to not only myself, but the other person, and then the other person would forgive me. YET, I have not forgiven myself, so what happens next – I do it again. Because I was forgiven, I felt that I am now free, I have nothing to worry about, because the other person could forgive me, it probably means that what I have done wasn’t that bad, regardless of me KNOWING that is it bad, this point of forgiveness from another BUT no self-forgiveness becomes a reason and excuse to just do it again, because the other person can just forgive me again, I mean, why not, and so it becomes an evil cycle of abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as someone else forgive me for what I have done that wasn’t best for all life, for myself or the other person, to use that forgiveness as an excuse, a reason within my mind to simply do what I have done again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse the forgiveness of another through using that forgiveness to only make myself feel better about myself as a FEELING to relieve the shame and guilt and regret from what I have done, and to after this relief of the shame, guilt and regret feel more open and clear and to within this find within me the space to again fall into the abusive pattern as before, as I have not forgiven myself or taken into account the measure of my actions in fact on my personal life and a global scale.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire that another forgives me just so that I can feel better about myself, feel lighter, to release me from the emotions I am experiencing within me, and to within this enforce a believe within me that because the other person could forgive me it must mean I didn’t do such a bad things, and so I start justifying what I am doing as not so bad, as actually good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to SEEK forgiveness from another after I have been bad, as to find evidence, proof from people/others outside of myself that I can be forgiven, that I am not as bad as I think I am, and thus within not forgiving myself, I go back to recreate the same abusive pattern as a curiosity, to find out, if the forgiveness that I received from the other person was real, if it was actually real, as I find it so hard within me to believe that I am a good person, and so use the forgiveness of others after and of my abusive habits/patterns to Uplift myself and how I feel about myself, what I belief of myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that as Long as the believe that defines me, where in this case the believe of me as being inherently being bad, defines me within any part of my beingness, and that I do not forgive myself and eradicate this belief of myself from the roots of which it came, that I will always fall back into the habits/patterns and seek redemption from outside of myself just so that I can again recreate and LIVE the belief of myself as being bad to then CONFIRM it through how others react and respond to me and then forgive me for me as to for a moment feel better about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have the belief of me being a bad person proven right through deliberately participating in the actions of the habits/patterns that is abusive to me and others, so that I can get specific reaction that are created specifically within the specific actions I take within the habits/patterns from other people to “relive” a certain experience within me, the experience that I have defined myself according to since I was a child, since before I could remember. Just to confirm I am bad, and to live that definition of myself as confirmed, as I have not forgiven myself and only seek LOVE as forgiveness from others, indicating that as a child, within my first seven years, where I was programmed mostly, I have had experiences, moments, where I defined myself as bad, as shit, as not worthy of life, and not being loved, cared for, and to within this start participating in self-abusive patterns that simulate what happened with me as a child, as reliving the confirmation to why I have accepted and allowed myself to be who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as someone else FORGIVES me for what I have done, to feel like it cannot be real, it isn’t possible, I am not forgivable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am so bad, so lost, so screwed that forgiveness even from another to me is impossible and thus how can I even forgive myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it impossible that someone else could find it within themselves to forgive me, when I cannot even find it within myself to forgive myself, and thus I see and realize that I must find it within myself to forgive myself, as I will simply re-create and abuse myself and others as to attempt to PROOF to myself and others to why I cannot be forgiven, as I cannot even forgive myself, and to use that as a reason, as a justification to continue to exist as the personality/character that I have lived as all my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR forgiving myself for the abuse I have always existed as, as the belief I have lived as myself my entire life, as this forgiveness will mean that what I have lived and who I have accepted and allowed myself to be was never real, and thus all the abuse and harm was for nothing, that my experiences was for nothing, that I have wasted my life in living out this belief of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to KEEP participating within these abusive patterns/habits as wanting to give value to what I have been living my entire life as the belief that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as just to not have to suddenly give up all that value in energy and time that I spend living and defining myself as this belief of being soooo bad.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that NO matter how much other people forgive me and how many times I am forgiven, that as long as I cannot find it within myself to forgive myself and to live the correction, that I will keep on accumulating the consequences till I face reality hard on and where I have finally manifested a BAD reality equal and one to the belief that I have defined myself to, and then I will face self-forgiveness regardless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret someone else as forgiving me that it means that what I did is okay to do again, even when there is NO common sense in the reasoning but only irrational thoughts and energies coming up within me, and to within this start the cycle of abuse all over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do bad things in the search for forgiveness just so that I can feel loved, cares for, where I have separated these qualities from myself and have never even given them to myself, not even knowing how to give it to myself, and thus I see and realize I must investigate these words and to redefine them for myself, as how I am living them now is that of abuse, where I believe that I will only receive love after I was abused, or being abusive, that care will only be given to me once I Have acted out, once I have been bad, and so I always keep on falling into the habits and patterns to seek forgiveness and then receive care/attention/love whereas before when everything was seemingly OKAY, there was no love, there was no care, no affection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that what I am living now as my BAD habits and patterns that is abusive is possible to trace back to its origin, within investigating the specific patterns and habits that are abusive and to simply take it back to childhood years, to where I developed myself and how I took my physical reality as WORDS that I later on imprinted into me as LIVING.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I do BAD things to receive the opposite as GOOD after wards.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to go back to basics within investigating myself within breath, within checking the mind, the design of polarity and how I can use checking polarities what each point within my bad habits are representing within its polarity, where I am participating in being bad, how am I being bad, how do I prefer being caught being bad, and what is the already expected reactions and outcomes of those in my reality – as that reveals and shows the design that I am participating within.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that what I deem as BAD is also only bad because of How I am doing it, who I am within doing it, and thus this who and how is exposing all that is required to see what the future play-outs will manifest as the reasons for my actions, thus I can access, am I doing BAD things in secret, is it bad or just bad because I am doing it in secret, is it bad because it is actually bad, what does it mean to do something in secret, what changes the point of view when I am doing it openly, will I still want to do it, will it still be bad, will I then simply find something else to be bad about, must what I do be in secret to be bad, and why? How did I come to this conclusion, was I punished as a child for doing things openly and so I started doing things in secret, and then wanting to be caught out.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that if I do not take full self-responsibility for myself within giving to myself the understanding of WHY am I and HOW am I to see who I have accepted and allowed myself to be that NO amount of forgiveness from others for my actions will ever solve anything, as I must forgive myself as TRUTH will set me FREE, within self-forgiveness, and thus I can STOP that which I do not like and do not want to keep doing within full understanding, by actually giving myself the time to write and to investigate myself through writing self-forgiveness. And unless I do so, I will be a slave to my patterns and habits, as they are here to support me to find myself, to understand myself, and unless I use that help, support to stop, I will mindlessly participate in abusive habits and patterns that is NO good to anyone.

Day 507 – What I learned from Bernard Poolman – Lesson 7

The nature of myself/people as self-interest

When I was first introduced to the words “Self-Interest” – it was kind of a new thing to me, because ALL my life I lived in self-interest, but I never viewed myself as that, to me it was normal. But Bernard burst this bubble every single day, revealing that who I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as was literally just self-interest.

I have many stories to tell about how my self-interest bubble got burst by Bernard Poolman, but today I am want to focus on a point that really sticked with me and has over many years now only proofed itself/revealed itself to be so.

After living on the farm already for about a year and a bit longer, the farm has had many visitors already, Bernard has spoken and shared a lot with many people from all across the world, pushing the point in each and every person every day that they were here on the farm, the same as he did for me.
After ALL that Bernard has done for many that came to visit, pushing insecurities, fears, limitations, always pushing the person to their utmost potential and giving unconditionally support and assistance, nothing ever expected back – because anyone can go and leave Desteni at any time they wish, in fact it is the easiest thing to do, to just not participate with Desteni, because it is almost literally just internet based.

And this is the ultimate test for all that decide to stand as LIFE, with the “choice” being so easy to just not know, to just not do what is best for all life, being the easiest choice to make in this world – and even with such an easy choice always at hand, TO not make that choice, because you have walked this process for real and realized that this choice is an illusion/deception of the Mind.

And so on this one particular day Bernard asked me to my face, how long have you been here Gian? And I would reply, saying: probably more than a year now, and Bernard would ask me, why are you still here? This question quickly made me feel uncomfortable, because I naturally expected Bernard to think that I am here because I am making a stand for what is best for all life, but that wasn’t the case as Bernard soon pointed out.

Bernard said – you are still here because being here only serves your self-interest, be self-honest and take a look, your survival , only to serve you and to not really make a change or actually change– as money, but do not judge it, it is how you have been preprogrammed, so understand it and change it.

Like everyone else that has been here and that will come here will only do so in self-interest because that's who we start out as naturally and then change through walking the process, which is the purpose, some, if not most will disappear as they already have, because once they have received all the help they can get and have changed themselves and their life’s, they will abandon Desteni and abuse what they have learned for their own self-interest/life, they will suddenly be stable or make money and live a good life, but they will never admit it was due to help from Desteni, or give that to another as they have been given to, because it gives them power and the advantage over others, this will be self-interest at its best, but don’t worry, Life works one and equal to what each person stands as, and if you fuck with Life, life will surely show you it isn’t to be fucked with.

I had quit a realization after that conversation, realizing once and for all how DEEP self-interest is within me and how really doomed we are as humanity if this self-interest do not change – Because even when people have ALL the support, all the tools to change themselves and even when they have achieved some level of change within their life and FULLY understanding the principles of Desteni and how things work, they will and can still abuse that for ONLY self-interest.

Now to think that some will only walk process (considering myself) (as I have in the beginning) only for a specific outcome within their own life of self-interest. Like getting confidence within walking process just to get a girlfriend, or to get a job or to be liked by other people, or to suddenly make better decisions in their lives that lead to better self-interest outcomes, and then Quit walking process and forget about where they come from, how they got there and say it’s done, and so many have already proven this since the beginning of Desteni, Many have walked their process and change was significant, and suddenly, a lot of those people are gone, some also leave because they could not reach their self-interest point and standing for life was/is just not within their self-interest.

So I had to within myself Look at myself, who am I in this moment, will I change and leave, will I let anything in this world that looks like a promise for a better self-interest life let me stop and take that path or not, I placed myself in every moment that I can in any point in time in my life within myself, and I made a decision within me, that I will always stand as LIFE no matter what and make decisions that is best for all life, that I will also never forget where I came from as my process and who supported me and how I was supported and that I cannot and could not have done it by myself as the same counts for everyone else, because lying to myself and saying I did it all by myself, will come back tenfold. Some has already faced these points; some actually face this point the minute they start process with a purely self-centered starting point, and fall almost immediately facing themselves, but those that remain and that walk as Bernard also pointed out, they will be the ones that will change this world – and we do not need many, we only need a hundred or more that walk this process to the utmost in every breath.

So, I always check Who am I, is it self-interest that is living and walking and breathing, or LIFE, I do not judge any moment – I assess and then simply re align myself to what is best for all life.
Keep Breathing.

Day 507 – What I learned from Bernard Poolman – Lesson 6

In any moment on the Farm Bernard will surprise you, not daily per say, but at any time any day, it was always unpredictable, and what point he pushes will only then be known, so..


Once again, back in the day, as usual I am walking around the farm busy with some projects and hanging out with Destonians from all over the world. As I enter the kitchen for a coffee stop, Bernard is sitting there in the kitchen talking to other people.

I am just standing around listening to what Bernard is talking about with the other people, a quick distraction with a value bale reason for being distracted, I cannot miss out on what is being discussed lol, while I should be getting out to finding projects.

As I am in the kitchen now, listening to Bernard and all the other people, I am not really getting what is being talked about, because I obviously already missed more than half the conversation, but suddenly Bernard looks around at me and he says – Like Gian here, he has a GIFT, but he refuses to use it, because he enjoys living in fear so much.

Now everyone else is looking at me and Bernard is looking at me and he is saying stuff about me and I have no Idea what he is talking about – like it really took me by surprise, and then Bernard says: he has the gift to communicate with animals, He did it as a child, he played with snakes and spiders, but where is that now? He isn’t using it. But do not worry, Life gave him a gift and is he isn’t using it or abusing it, Life will take it away from him, or teaches him a lesson – because that’s the only way we learn. Perhaps one day he will get bitten by a snake and then it will be too late, because all he had to do was talk to it, but didn’t.

Then out of the group, Bernard looks at me with these really intimidating eyes – that when I looked into them I just felt shame and guilt/regret – because I knew what Bernard was saying was SOOO true, I used to play and communicate with ALL animals freely, none ever harmed me, and now I am just consumed with fear and thoughts and so many conditions/limitations – THE MIND.

And Bernard says: you better get your shit straight, develop your ability again and become worthy of life where Life can trust you again. And he moves on to talking to everyone else.

I walked away really facing my internal reality, facing my thoughts and what I have accepted and allowed of myself – I saw the journey ahead to regain my own trust within myself where I am worthy of life, to be trusted by life, as I was given this gift that others have to work so hard for to have, from birth and abused it, threw it away.

I remembered there was a time I lived without fear, and that for some odd reason I now fear living without fear – this journey of fearlessness and bringing myself HERE still continues to this day – But thank you Bernard for always showing and believing in everyone utmost potential and never accepting anything less.

Day 506 – What I learned from Bernard Poolman – Lesson 5

Lesson 1
Lesson 2
Lesson 3
Lesson 4

SLEEP – In the beginning of my Desteni Farm Life/process, I and just a handful of others used to do all the labor on the farm, in terms of developing the farm and maintaining the farm for what was yet to come in the future for Desteni and the world.

From my “normal” life – I used to wake up at seven/eight in the mornings and go sleep whenever I wanted to (after school days), I enjoyed MY sleep, I would for instance go to sleep straight after I came from the gym and wake up later for dinner and then do a few things and go back to sleep. Sleep was my way of just rushing my life, fast forwarding it. So I developed a very bad habit with sleep and conditioned my body – those were the reasons believed to be the reasons.

But don’t worry – this got sorted out quit quickly once I got to the Farm, BUT I NEVER expected how this change would come about.

Everyday single day in the beginning of my life here at Desteni, I would wake up REAL early, not by choice, Bernard would be walking around at 6/6:30am in the morning yelling out “ARE YOU AWAKE GIAN”, while I am sleeping I would just hear this yelling from outside, it would tremble through my core and I would have this slight anxiety running through my solar plexus, asking myself, am I awake? I would ask myself this question because Bernard didn’t just ask if I am awake in terms of my eyes being open and me being up, the sound within which he screamed it out was asking me as the being am I awake..

I would slowly start moving my body while still lying in bed and I would say, YES I am awake!! And then Bernard would ask me, are you sure? And I would say yes, BUT me saying yes only to me being physically awake, as the reaction that I had, that small amount of anxiety was still my self-honest part knowing that I am not awake as in HERE as LIFE alive and living in each and every breath, because waking up was such a struggle, which is an indicator of me still using sleep as a way to hide, not standing and taking full self-responsibility.

So I would then wake up and get dressed and move my ass outside, the morning is still fresh, I found the early morning to be very supportive in waking up with everything, like it is alive and just nice. I would get coffee and breakfast and then I would sit around for a bit till work time (no horse time yet for me at this stage)

After that I would start doing some Labor time, which I LOVE doing, we were building on many things, from housing to fencing to gardening and all kinds of things. Each day there was so many activities to participate within.

BUT – I would be working on something for a couple of hours and suddenly at some point I would just feel tired and like going to sleep, nesting somewhere and just SLEEP, and this is what I did, almost every afternoon around 12/1pm I would be on my bed sleeping/napping – or let me rephrase that, try sleeping/napping, because Bernard was in the area, and he was always aware of what is going on around the farm.

So Bernard would come and disturb my sleep deliberately, I would experience annoyance and some back chat within those moments, as I wanted to sleep, but now could not get what I wanted., there were some moments that I could get away with sleep, haha.

So this continued for a while, a couple of months, and in between all of this I would sometimes feel so desperate for sleep that I would go around the farm and find the weirdest places to lay my ass down and sleep, like a hay shed, or in a storage shed in between the shelves, or I would just find a location where people do not regularly go, this ended up in search parties looking for me, so I soon realized it wasn’t the best thing to do. Unless I tell someone “ hey I am going to go sleep in a hay shed so that Bernard can’t find me and disturb my sleep” haha – which would have led to the question, why do you want to sleep? And hide it from Bernard? And as I know within self-honesty, the answer isn’t because I am tired, why would I be THAT tired every single day, there is obviously a different reason for this tiredness and wanting to sleep, because Physically one get fit and used to the activities, so the tiredness was something more.

See Bernard didn’t just push my sleeping pattern, without him having to ask me why am I sleeping so much or wanting to sleep so much, he just had tp push my sleeping point through disturbing it when I didn’t expect it and to wake me up early and eventually I would face the points that I was running from by being awake, and the main point was always me running away from myself and who I have accepted and allowed myself to be.

Because I learned and saw, that through sleeping I am not busy in my MIND, there is no thoughts and no back chat’s or any feelings/emotions, so I don’t have to deal with them while sleeping, and thus the more I sleep the less I have to deal with them/myself – and when I wake up from sleep, I feel fresh and alive, but only for a while, till ALL my Mind bullshit has accumulated again to a certain point because I wasn’t breathing and forgiving myself and thus feeling burdened again – and then I would want to sleep again, but as long as Bernard disturbed my sleep, I was forced in a gentle way to deal with myself.

Thus the more effectively I walked my process, the less I want to sleep, because I am present, I am here, I am alive, sleep is then only required for the body to stabilize and heal itself, self-correct itself through a period of maximum 6 hours.

But I could ONLY walk through my sleeping point through writing and applying self-forgiveness and removing the thoughts and back chats. This period lasted for about 6 months, and Bernard was most consistent and supportive.

Day 505 – What I learned from Bernard – Lesson 4

Lesson 1

Lesson 2

Lesson 3

The following lesson is quite interesting, it contains quite a few dimensions – I will tell the story, but it will be up to you to see the lesson.

Many years ago, just as me and my partner starting living together and sharing everything in our life with each other, it became a norm to just use each other’s things.

On this one specific day, a rainy day, I was digging something somewhere and borrowed my Partners rain jacket, because I didn’t have one yet, she lend it to me no questions asked, a mutual trust.

So while digging with the rain jacket on I started heating up from all the physical movement and the rain wasn’t coming in hard, just like drizzling, so I took the jacket off and placed it on the ground next to me where I was digging.

After a while I was exhausted and just wanted to get some water and food, so I left for the kitchen and made myself some food and got myself something to drink, My partner asked me to remember her rain jacket that I left outside, I said I will get it after my lunch. After my lunch I didn’t go back to fetch it, instead I started doing other things and getting busy, after a while my partner asked me again to remember to fetch her Jacket, it is a rain jacket that came all the way from another country – I said I wouldn’t forget, and continued with what I was doing.

It started getting later and dinner time was approaching, this meant everyone was kind of gathering in the kitchen slowly to prepare for food time. While in the kitchen my partner asked me again – did you get my rain Jacket, it is rainy and muddy and it can get damage outside just lying there, plus the dogs can get it and damage it.

Now as my Partner said this, the kitchen was filled with other people, specifically MEN – and Bernard, now the guys were like ooh, here comes trouble because of what my Partner is saying to me, and I said in a small sense of shame, NO I haven’t fetched the Jacket yet – Now Bernard sitting there start to talk.

Bernard looks at me and says: You must look at this point, it is exposing a point of disrespect towards your partner, and thus the respect you have for yourself – you must look your partner in the eyes and ask for forgiveness – BUT, the forgiveness you ask must be done unconditionally, you cannot expect anything back, it must be done unconditionally.

As I stand there and my internal reality being exposed and who I have accepted and allowed myself to be, the other males in the kitchen are kind of teasing me, saying in a joking manner, COME ON GIAN ask her for forgiveness!! But as they were Joking, I knew this is very real, I looked within myself while breathing and not listening to the other people, focusing on clearing the starting point within myself for what I was about to do for the first time in my life.

I looked up at my partner and I looked her in my eyes, even feeling awkward and a bit shy, I pushed through and said – Partner will you forgive me for disrespecting you, I did not expect any response, as I cleared the starting point to be unconditional, and I felt in that moment how I actually forgave me and corrected myself instead.

The other guys in the kitchen were saying out loud – WOW he did it?? GOOD BOY Gian (there males were friends visiting the farm, family members of Destonians) – basically seeing a Destonian in action and living what he stands for.

So I immediately went out to go fetch the Jacket, while doing this I saw so many dimensions of myself opening up within just that one point of disrespect that Bernard pointed out, the behavior and the thoughts and where else it is taking place within my reality, but now I had the opportunity to correct it and change.