Feeling Trapped - Day 660

When I was a teenager, I had a secret bag in my closet, packed with what I deemed "survival gear" lol. This bag was a manifestation of my readiness to sneak out of the house and disappear, to run away, to get out of the TRAP we call life.

I would lay in my bed at night, spending a lot of my time thinking about how I would run away, where I would go, what I would do, even to the point where I would be willing to kill others on my journey if they wanted to harm me. I would then think about how to hide the bodies, what to do with the bodies to not be caught, I had the idea that since I am a runaway, no one would suspect me, or find me.

My idea of running away once manifested for about 45min, I climbed out of a window with my bad, I started walking, down the street, it was very dark, very quiet, and I knew where I wanted to go.

I walked all the way to the highway which stretched for hundreds of kilometers away from everything into the wilderness of life. I stood still at this highway, I took in the cool fresh air, I looked around a bit, taking in the view. Then I heard a few men and bottles behind me moving and making noises, I immediately RAN as fast as I could all the way back to my parent's house, climbed into the back through the window and got back into bed.

My idea was shattered. I remained trapped in this world, I could not even leave my home freely, without fear of being murdered, kidnapped and who knows what else.

I had this feeling of being trapped no matter where I was, with friends, family, new people I lived with, relationships, name it all, I always ended up feeling trapped, stuck, like whatever I am in now is the reason for me to feel trapped, so I HAD to get the fuck out, IF I got out, well you guessed it, I felt trapped again not too long after in the new place, new people, new everything.

I became addicted to certain music, trance, techno, and many other types of music as a way to escape into my mind, eventually, I felt trapped by the music lol.

With walking my Desteni process I asked myself one question on a day after doing some great self-forgiveness - what if I am the trap, that traps everything and everyone else, what if I am responsible for trapping things through my constant experience of being trapped as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to TRAP other people within my experience of being trapped, and so actually create and manifest not just the experience of being a victim that is trapped, but live in such a way that I actually trap myself and others within my reality as being trapped as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself within the thoughts that I am trapped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself within my own patterns and habits designed and laid out of that being trapped, and so actually trap myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see reality as a trap, and so see everyone else as people that t that want to trap me, and thus already create distrust within me towards others based on an illusionary world in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize the trap I have been trying to run away from was/is within me as the mind, as the thoughts/behaviors/patterns that I participate within religiously as truth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse others through constantly holding the judgement within me that they are stupid trapped people that does not even know it and so they are less than human, and more like zombies, and so use people only for my own persuit of happiness in escaping the trap and being free, while trapping everyone else by abusing them.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize how I abuse others and do onto others exactly that which I fear is being done onto me within my MIND as an idea/feeling/thought, and yet manifesting it into reality through my living/bahaviour and patterns.
I forgive myself that I have not seen how I caused and created a TRAP of fear for my parents of me wanting to run away, out of a fear and feeling of msyelf for being trapped.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to SEE and realize how I trapped women in pamen in pain and emotional turmoil by cheating on them, breaking up with them just because I felt trapped.

I forgive myself that I have not seen and realized that I as teh paranoid and fearfull person of being trapped, causes and causes enslavement and entrapment through my actions to want to GET out only for myself, and so in the process abuse and trap everyone else. yet I never seem to get out but only more and more trapped as I try to get out.

I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realize that the more I want to get out of the trap of being poor, thus not being rich and so pushing to get out at any cost, I am pushing others int poverty and trapping them in the exact position that I want to get out of.

I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realized that I must stop, simply stop, any and all enegry, all movement within as energy, breathe and move myself from HERE as a single point of movement as living what is best for all standing one and equal as ALL that is here, to see and realize that we are ALL trapped, and we ALL want the same, feel the same, need the same in common sense, and so there is NO way only I am getting out unless we all get out one and equal, where getting our does not mena running away, but where we all stand for and as each other in oneness and equalyt, changing the system, supporting one another within personal change, and not to push someone else down so that one can be ontop.

Focus, Silence and Interruptions – inner eruption

 

Silence, focus, sudden noise, interruptions, inner eruptions take place, reactions flow over, shouting, screaming, controlling, dominating, then quite, silence and focus.  

A For self awareness I suggest starting this series of interviews here
Click on the name - Self Awareness steps for the Elite - Introduction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot focus when I do not have silence within my environment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to the rule of that I can only focus when I have silence within my environment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted by sound/noise within my environment when and as I am busy with something particular that requires my focus. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from FOCUS and to thus make focus a thing out there that I must obtain and so within this create certain rules and setups where I believe only once those specific rules and setups are in place, such as silence, that only then I can focus, and thus within this imply that I am never focussed or the directive principle within my every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that focus is something I must practice and so I seek and want to obtain the right environments where there is NO distractions for me to train and practice my focus within what I am doing, and thus within this rule I have made for myself I will always fail as noise will always be here and not seeing and realizing that practicing my focus within specific conditions limits my focus to those specific conditions and thus the practice will never leave those specific conditions unless I drop all conditions and walk focus as me in each and every breathe and to stop the distractions within me as the thoughts/feelings/emotions that arise within me when I feel someone else is fucking with my focus by making noise/sounds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as someone within my reality comes to me to get my attention while I am busy with something I need to focus on, to lose focus almost immediately and to within this access anger and frustration and so within this act out the anger and frustration where I now attempt to control my reality through my sound and behaviour to get control of my environment to once again have focus and to focus on what I am doing.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that focus is ME as breath in each and every breath and thus no matter what comes within my reality, that according to the mind as energy should trigger me and or distract me, to remain focussed on the breathing, not necessarily on what I am doing, as what I am doing mustn’t determine who I am, and so I see and realize that as long as any energy moves within me and not me as Breathe clear and here, then I am already not focussed and only deluding myself in the silence I believe helps me focus which is a mind focus, focussing energy which can always be disturbed and thus have a short fuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate focus from Breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate discipline from breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate self-responsibility from breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate flexibility from breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate Care from breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate ME from breath.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that Breath is here as each and every breath is all that is here as everything that is here and thus to not breathe is to walk in conflict with what is here as reality, where the mind is finding ways to be within a polarity.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to fully embrace breath as the solution and to from within and as breath walk HERE as life and to direct me as breath in each and every given moment as breath and not to accept and allow the mind to direct me here into polarities as thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek silence outside of me, when breath is silence within and as me and thus nothing outside of me can change anything within me, as there must be nothing with me but breath/life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate focus as the word focus from and as me as my breath, and within so doing seek focus outwards, and so always running after focus and moments and specific setups/environments never finding focus or silence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my environment for me not being able to focus, and thus not see and realize that the blame that come up is due to how I am experiencing myself within the moment of feeling disturbed which is anger, frustration and thus it is within me that the disturbance is taking place and that is what needs to be changed.  

On Blame, check it out here -> Blame: The Hidden Nature

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I feel someone isn’t considering me and or my environment when and as I want to focus to get upset and angry and to within a second, without notice, tone my voice and shut down any disturbances using my reality and circumstances as a reason and excuse for why and how I can act out my frustration or anger that I experience within me and to then have what I see as control of my environment as to control what I experience within me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that as long as I act out my anger and frustration to have silence to be able to focus, and through this control my environment that I will in return create an angry and frustrated environment/people as they will pick up on what I am experiencing through my behaviour and voice, thus I see and realize that I must clear and fully take responsibility for any and all experiences within me till nothing moves within me and to commit myself to NOT speak or say anything as long as there is an energy within me and to focus on ME as breath here first and foremost, even if this means NEVER saying anything again, as it will or might not ever be necessary when I have taken and realized my creation of me as this point and thus focus is me and silence is me as Breathe and no blame or anger or frustration can exist.

To learn more on Feelings, emotions and thoughts I suggest starting this series on the Atlanteans -  

 Click here to start - > Atlanteans - The Beginning - Part 1

What does Christmas mean to me as a Destonian - Day 545

To most people in the world Christmas is a day or a couple of days of celebrating the Birth of Jesus, or just for Santa Clause, or just for festive seasons, where families come together and they present presents to one another to open up and feel blessed – months before Christmas, all the people in the world with money went out and spend a lot of their money on these presents, and decorations and so much more to express themselves and how blessed they feel, or are, towards the people in their lives, but of course in the name of Jesus, or Santa Clause or just for a Because reason.

So Christmas to most people in the world is a fantastic time, it offers some time off from the system, the system that we are enslaved to, where our money is always tight, or we have money but no time to spend it, and of course it offers time to have fun, to be with our families and to just have what we actually desire the world to be, a fun place, because fun is kind of deprived from everything else from the rest of the year, people take this advantage to just let it all out, to go wild, to go nuts, to indulge in the festive seasons and to enjoy being distracted from the system that is keeping us so tight all the time.

We can say that Christmas and the participation in the whole Christmas thing and how people take it on and participate within it is evidence that most of humanity do not really enjoy the current system we are all accepting and allowing to live in, because of the extreme way that people participate within it – but that is the whole point of events like Christmas as designed by the system, to give people that release of all the stress and anxiety and fears and everything that the system is a cause and effect of, so that the people can continue next year, the following year the same way as before and just keep it going.

So Christmas isn’t Bad or Good from a Destonians stance, as a Destonian we make sure we do not create any illusions about the event and to be controlled and enslaved by such events to just continue the following year the same way, to just remain in the illusion that there is apparently “good” in life just because, look Christmas is ahead, or Easter, or Halloween, to not justify LIFE as it is here in fact, in the day to day living of life within all walks of life, which is mostly bad all the time, such as poverty does not end due to Christmas, nor war or famine, or droughts and environmental disasters caused by the humans industrial systems that isn’t in harmony with life as nature and the animals.

Because in the current system as it exist, even Destonians are still here and part of this world till we have multiplied and changed things, we take part in Christmas from a practical perspective, it is time off, it is time to have with the kids and family and to have a few days to slow down and reevaluate and to realign directions and priorities, and to perhaps speak with family members about the state of the world and getting some common sense and common ground between one another. We see Christmas within what is here currently as the world as an opportunity to drive and stand and do what is best for all life, to not fall for the “illusions” of everything is okay, and happy, and that it is going to be this way forever, but instead to strengthen the physical relationships and bring them all back to reality through coming together, through talking, to sharing and so on.

As Destonians we change Who we are within it all, and thus who we are determines what we do, standing in others shoes, caring and sharing the real things, because if Christmas was all about Jesus as it started out as in the beginning, then we can all ask what would Jesus have done? He would definitely not have celebrated his own birth, he would have condemned us all for even living in a capitalist system, never mind allowing children to die of starvation, Jesus would have probably grabbed a whip and beat the shit out of everyone and throw tables over and smite us down. I mean just look at the whole Santa Clause symbolism in the words that was created for Christmas, it is Satan Claws, to obvious. The opposite of what Jesus would have done, Satan’s got his claws in us all, trapping us from actually living as Jesus did, indulging in capitalism in Jesus name, how sick is that, it is dishonoring Jesus and his message and what he lived. Destonians will not do this because that is still also just form an assumption, plus we do not live in the same time as what Jesus lived, but do onto another as you would like to be done onto refers to the world as a whole, love thy neighbor as thy self refers to the world, give as you would like to receive refers to the world, we have taken it to only our own families, Jesus said to follow him you must leave your family behind, as that is the only way, now not literally, but inside yourself the world MUST be your family in fact.

So Christmas to me as a Destonian does not “mean” anything in terms of a feeling/emotions or self-definition, or about some religion or buying presents and spending money, or a release, or to escape the system, it is a day of the year, or a season/holiday that by the system has been placed as “not having to work” and thus you have off time, and we use this off time to practically and physically participate in our reality, because we realize not everyone is a Destonian Yet, most people around us is still in the system and of the system and thus we must walk one and equal with what is here, but who we are within it all is where the change starts, we can enjoy this time, we will have fun in this time, because it is so nice when humans do come together and actually interact and learn and share one another, which does not and cannot be possible in a system that drives us to only die after only surviving and keeping us far apart from each other.

Over all, Christmas is Bullshit, and we must create a world that is Best for all, and thus a Christmas will not be necessary, as giving as you would like to receive will be a consistent way of life, every day will be a present, everyone will be your family, love and care will be visible in our daily living as a whole.

As a side note: Before I stood as a Destonian, me and my family gave up Christmas and haven’t had any Christmas for the past 10 years almost, but instead we all just come together and are together, no presents, no decorations, nothing. And this in itself is and can be fun.

Day 456 – Being comfortable with myself Part 2.

Day 456 – Being comfortable with myself Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be comfortable with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that I can and am allowed to be comfortable with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to be comfortable with myself I must wear clothes that are accepted by everyone else, instead of wearing clothes that are practical and comfortable for my body/me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I wear will make me comfortable with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that the cloths I wear will change how I experience myself inside, seeing and realizing that the inside experience I must change from within by breathing in air instead of judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that how big my physical body is and how muscular it looks will make me comfortable with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the more manly I look the more comfortable I will feel with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the more LOUD I am the more comfortable I will be with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the more silent I am the more comfortable I will be with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when other people look at me that I must become self-aware of myself to be aware of what other people might think about me so that I can start defending myself already within my head and within this then become uncomfortable within myself, seeing that it is the thought and the back chat that is making me uncomfortable and not that other people are looking at me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and judge others for looking at me as if they have the power to make me feel a certain way within myself, when I am in fact the only one who decides what is happening within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must feel/experience something within myself when other people are looking at me, within the believe that I must be self-aware to prove that I am aware of myself and how I look and all that to the other person, as in judging myself before they can judge me so that if something happens like they confront me I can already have an excuse or a justification for why the back chat and thoughts were accepted and allowed to compromise me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see that comfortablility comes from within, from breathing and that any thought or back chat will compromise the point of being comfortable and thus go into reactions and the mind, seeing and realizing that if there is back chat or thoughts about myself as judgements that I have that can and will come up in sudden moments to compromise me, I must investigate my physical participation as what I live and my inner and align them within self-honesty and practicality and thus live within that starting point instead of making it about a self-conscious point of being in others heads as my own judgments out of fear.

To be continued.

Day 455 – being comfortable with myself Part 1

What is it to be comfortable with myself? I have been working on this point for years, and yet it is still within me, no matter how small or how big the point is within me, it is still here.

Today I was in a new neighborhood; I faced two specific points that showed me that the point was still within me of not being completely comfortable with myself. 

I was walking across a soccer field to go to the bathrooms at one point, within this there were kids playing soccer and a couple of dozens sitting on the side-line watching, but not really watching, as they were simply talking among each other and playing.

As I was walking I had to cross the field with the kids playing, and as I was crossing all the kids were watching me, the kids were between the age of 10 to 13, so I am seen as the adult within their eyes being there, yet within myself I do not feel like the adult, I feel just like one of the kids.

So within me this created a conflict within me that started making me feel uncomfortable within myself, and thus I started walking weird and I I kept on looking downwards to the ground, also within this I noticed how I suddenly became very self-aware of the cloths I am wearing and the way I am walking and each part of my body became a point of self-awareness in this long walk, it was like a 200m walk to the toilet.

I weren’t comfortable with myself feeling uncomfortable in a sense of being self-aware in a states of self-judgement. 

Another scenario was now at night, in a new town for the first time with different people and areas and malls and so forth, within this we went to get food me and two other people on a road trip, within this we were standing outside of the restaurant waiting for our food to be prepared.

As we were standing outside by the tables, there were a group of men standing across from us on the other side of the road, they were laughing and talking and they stood around their cars in the parking lot, they looked our way a few times and as they looked they then started talking and laughing.

Within this I assumed it was about us, so I looked at the guys for a while and within this I saw them as being men, they have cars and they have money and they look like MEN, this definition is a contaminated one as it has nothing to do with being a man, where they were big, they had bellies and big arms and they were tall, everything I am not, so I started feeling like the kid. 

This then became uncomfortable within myself, not the scenario, because it is all about what went on within me, the judgements I made and placed, and this all obviously comes from how I have defined myself and the value I have placed within certain points.

Self-forgiveness in next blog, stay tuned.

Day 312 – She is Pregnant Part 3

Day 310 – She is Pregnant, what do I do Now??

She is Pregnant, Change the world? Part 2 - Day 311 

I commit myself to when and as I see the fear coming up within myself towards what exist within this world and which I am bringing in a child into to stop and to breathe and to not accept and allow the fear to direct my actions or the decisions that I make, instead I give myself the opportunity to investigate the fear and to see why I have created fear towards the world and what is here in separation of myself, instead of standing one and equal as all that is here as me being in fact a direct creator of what is here as I am here and thus I must take self responsibility.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am not trusting myself with and as my baby to stop and to breathe, and to trust myself as the Physical as that which is here and real.

I commit myself to when and as I Fear the world and that my baby has to go into this world to stop and to breathe – seeing and realizing that there are Millions of children in this world that has to face this world every day, and that I cannot separate my child from what is here and that my child must stand one and equal with and as the system to be able to walk the system effectively and not in fear.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am trying to Hide the world from my child to stop and to breathe – seeing and realizing that it is quite obvious that my child is in this world and that my child must be in this world but does not have to be a part of the world and yet that my child will be effective within this world.

I commit myself to when and as i see that I am trying to act and behave around my child in ways that is from and as fear to stop and to breathe and to realize myself here as the Physical and to focus on the physical and to use the physical as my guidelines.

I commit myself to give all the tools I can to my child as common sense and self honesty and practicality and all the Physical skills that I can and reading and math so that my child is fully equipped to make his/her own decisions that is best for all life.

I commit myself to raise my child to always live what is best for all life.

She is Pregnant, Change the world? Part 2 - Day 311

Day 308 - When she told me – “She is Pregnant.”
Day 310 – She is Pregnant, what do I do Now??

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear all the dangers in the world that I will bring a Child into.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Belief that I must Fear what is here and then take action, seeing and realizing that if I take actions from the starting point of fear then that is what I will teach my child, to Fear first and then to take action, seeing and realizing that I must look at the fear and forgive myself for the fear that I have created and accepted and allowed and the through common sense and self honesty look at the point with and from a clear point of being a participant in this reality and how to take Actions within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Only now that I am bringing a child into this world to suddenly care about what happened to “my” child, seeing and realizing that there are Millions of children in this world that is NO different to the child I will be bringing into this world and that the caring must be equal for all children, I also see and realize that within practicality caring and doing for all children right now as I can for my child isn’t practical at all as I do not have this power, and thus I see and realize why this world MUST change, so that what I want for my child can and will be given to ALL children equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only take action and really care about how the world is now that I am going to have a child, seeing and realizing the self interest within this and why the world is the way it is, as no one is standing and walking in the shoes of others as themselves to actually care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear the world I bring my child into.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my child will end up in situations that Is accepted and allowed for other children to exist within, seeing and realizing that what I accept and allow to exist for ALL children as all possible situation and environments to exist in will thus exist as possible situations/environments for my own child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the fears I have for my child is existent because of the facts that I am in a world where we as a collective are accepting and allowing daily other children that isn’t our own to exist in the exact situations/environments that we fear for our own children, instead of Fucking changing this world to a place where these environments/situation do not exist and isn’t even a possible option, which is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the fears I have for my child is existent because I have seen Other Living actual children in situation that I as an adult do not even want to live in exist within and that what I fear isn’t some form of fantasy, but that it is an actual reality for Millions of children in this world and that I know if it is possible for those children to exist in places where they do then it exist for my child as well, as we live in a world created by man where Money decides everything and we are just subjects to the money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I Fear for my child because I have been accepting and allowing other children to Live in poverty and to exist in abusive environments and where there are rape/murder/disease/brutality and everything that is Not a way of life any of us ever want to exist in, and that in the past I didn’t care for them or try and change the world for them, and that now I see that if my child will ever have to be in such a situation that No one will ever give a fuck or help, as that is what I have accepted and allowed one and equal. Thus I see and realize that it is MY responsibility to change the world to a place that is best for all LIFE, for all children equally all around the world, so that I know, I actually care, that I cannot accept and allow anything for any child that I do not desire for myself or my own child. Because that will mean I truly care for my child, that I change the world (obviously with a group of people and so the rest of the world together, but it starts with myself) investigate Desteni and Equal Money System.