Feeling Trapped - Day 660

When I was a teenager, I had a secret bag in my closet, packed with what I deemed "survival gear" lol. This bag was a manifestation of my readiness to sneak out of the house and disappear, to run away, to get out of the TRAP we call life.

I would lay in my bed at night, spending a lot of my time thinking about how I would run away, where I would go, what I would do, even to the point where I would be willing to kill others on my journey if they wanted to harm me. I would then think about how to hide the bodies, what to do with the bodies to not be caught, I had the idea that since I am a runaway, no one would suspect me, or find me.

My idea of running away once manifested for about 45min, I climbed out of a window with my bad, I started walking, down the street, it was very dark, very quiet, and I knew where I wanted to go.

I walked all the way to the highway which stretched for hundreds of kilometers away from everything into the wilderness of life. I stood still at this highway, I took in the cool fresh air, I looked around a bit, taking in the view. Then I heard a few men and bottles behind me moving and making noises, I immediately RAN as fast as I could all the way back to my parent's house, climbed into the back through the window and got back into bed.

My idea was shattered. I remained trapped in this world, I could not even leave my home freely, without fear of being murdered, kidnapped and who knows what else.

I had this feeling of being trapped no matter where I was, with friends, family, new people I lived with, relationships, name it all, I always ended up feeling trapped, stuck, like whatever I am in now is the reason for me to feel trapped, so I HAD to get the fuck out, IF I got out, well you guessed it, I felt trapped again not too long after in the new place, new people, new everything.

I became addicted to certain music, trance, techno, and many other types of music as a way to escape into my mind, eventually, I felt trapped by the music lol.

With walking my Desteni process I asked myself one question on a day after doing some great self-forgiveness - what if I am the trap, that traps everything and everyone else, what if I am responsible for trapping things through my constant experience of being trapped as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to TRAP other people within my experience of being trapped, and so actually create and manifest not just the experience of being a victim that is trapped, but live in such a way that I actually trap myself and others within my reality as being trapped as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself within the thoughts that I am trapped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself within my own patterns and habits designed and laid out of that being trapped, and so actually trap myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see reality as a trap, and so see everyone else as people that t that want to trap me, and thus already create distrust within me towards others based on an illusionary world in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize the trap I have been trying to run away from was/is within me as the mind, as the thoughts/behaviors/patterns that I participate within religiously as truth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse others through constantly holding the judgement within me that they are stupid trapped people that does not even know it and so they are less than human, and more like zombies, and so use people only for my own persuit of happiness in escaping the trap and being free, while trapping everyone else by abusing them.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize how I abuse others and do onto others exactly that which I fear is being done onto me within my MIND as an idea/feeling/thought, and yet manifesting it into reality through my living/bahaviour and patterns.
I forgive myself that I have not seen how I caused and created a TRAP of fear for my parents of me wanting to run away, out of a fear and feeling of msyelf for being trapped.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to SEE and realize how I trapped women in pamen in pain and emotional turmoil by cheating on them, breaking up with them just because I felt trapped.

I forgive myself that I have not seen and realized that I as teh paranoid and fearfull person of being trapped, causes and causes enslavement and entrapment through my actions to want to GET out only for myself, and so in the process abuse and trap everyone else. yet I never seem to get out but only more and more trapped as I try to get out.

I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realize that the more I want to get out of the trap of being poor, thus not being rich and so pushing to get out at any cost, I am pushing others int poverty and trapping them in the exact position that I want to get out of.

I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realized that I must stop, simply stop, any and all enegry, all movement within as energy, breathe and move myself from HERE as a single point of movement as living what is best for all standing one and equal as ALL that is here, to see and realize that we are ALL trapped, and we ALL want the same, feel the same, need the same in common sense, and so there is NO way only I am getting out unless we all get out one and equal, where getting our does not mena running away, but where we all stand for and as each other in oneness and equalyt, changing the system, supporting one another within personal change, and not to push someone else down so that one can be ontop.

16 Days of no Coffee – answering some questions and sharing

Today is the 16^th day of not drinking Coffee. 

Why? 

I will start with the WHY because every time I say I stopped drinking coffee people seem to freak out and make it as if I am stupid for doing so, or as if I am weak for being able to stop drinking coffee, almost as if I decided not to be part of a cult and take part in this cults rituals anymore and now the cult is kind of turning on me as a previous member. 

So, let me say why in many dimensions of the question. 

I stopped because I am walking a process of purifying myself within and through self-forgiveness in writing self-forgiveness and taking self-responsibility for what exist here as me, yet I have seen and realized that I must also at the same time purify my outer, what I do and participate within as my habits, patterns and addictions. 

Because I have come to realize that drinking coffee isn’t MY decision anymore, it has become a decision that was being made for me, this is obviously a problem. 

It is a Problem because it has become habitual, thus controlling my behaviors, my habits and even forming them all according to coffee. Thus coffee became my master and I the slave. This has placed a massive restriction on my movement, flexibility on a daily basis, like driving on the road and finding there are unnecessary bumps/humps in the road to slow down the car from moving, and eventually causing damage to the car, consuming more fuel, all the stopping or slowing down and going, drinking coffee became exhausting and at times compromised me and my body where coffee would overwrite drinking water or having a meal. 

I would generally drink 6 cups a day and on some days I would even push it to 12. This has been so for YEARS and I would sometimes joke and say, I am 70% water and literally see drinking coffee as me fueling up, filling up. This has exposed my addiction that I judged as normal and okay. 

When I look at the money spend on coffee at home and the amount of precious water consumed for making coffee, not to mention the milk and electronics and electricity on a daily basis multiple times, the addiction did not just harm me but in the end it is having a consequence on reality – Imagine billions of people doing this daily all around the world. 

Now, coffee isn’t bad, it can be enjoyed daily, I would say one or two cups as a support for the body in times that it is required, like a medicine, but at the rate I have been consuming it and seeing and knowing how others also do it, it is an overdose for all of us humans, not to mention how much each and every person is spending when they go out on their coffees and their chinos and all the other types of coffees. 

I once asked a lady that works at Seattle which specializes in coffees – almost like a Star Bucks, how much milk they use daily for making all the peoples coffees and other orders that is coffee, and she replied, the most has been 600 Liters a day. This was but one shop making coffee of the dozens in the same area I know of. I asked this because the coffee usage was obviously a LOT, but I was curious about the milk, so I realized I also had a milk addiction with my coffee. 

I also know about the coffee industry and the abuse that is taking place there with the people actually working in the fields, harvesting the great beans that we grind up and then drink away and piss out, not to mention the abuse of the earth and the soil, the amount of land and natural habitats that had to be destroyed and most probably that are being destroyed right now to keep up with our demands for coffee. The earth is truly losing. 

Back to self – I am re-birthing myself, and I have stopped many addictions over the years, and I find myself stuck with a few, and these few are truly over powering my daily living to a certain degree. I was only able to see to what degree it was once I stopped and pushed through the initial pain of stopping which I experienced. 

The extent to which this one particular addiction was in control of my life, my daily movement and living is something that I would not be able to place in words as I experienced the Freedom after day three for others, but I can say, it was as if a chain has been loosened from my leg and I could more freely direct and move myself within space time. 

This is but the more daily experience, not to mention the bodily changes. I started feeling a lot more stable, grounded and I was less high on energy but had more energy that was moving at a practical pace instead of like a racing car. 

Day 1 – on day 1 when I stopped I went through the initial I want one, just one more for today, maybe tomorrow it will be better and then I can stop fully, but I breathed and stopped that thought and experience, to not lead myself into temptation and deceive myself, as I have faced this multiple times and I know it never works for me, so I had to go full out and embrace whatever comes my way and to trust that it will NOT be for ever, and so I walked with that trust that it will not be forever, simply breathe and move myself. I drank a lot more water and ate quite a bit more and different foods, which in return supported my body a lot more than having a quick coffee. I had MASSIVE headaches and did not talk about them at all on day one but simply breathed. I also did not talk about quitting coffee with anyone till I knew I have lived it and pushed through, thus on day three I was clear and spoke out. 

Day 2 – This was the worst, I went to bed the previous night with a headache and slept with it and woke up with it and so I worked as usual all day in the sun with laborious work with this massive headache. After the day was over with work, I decided to get some support with this massive headache, and thus I took one headache pill. Within 15min the headache was gone and I felt amazing, this allowed me to have a great sleep that night and then I woke up Feeling refreshed and coffee free.

I started smelling coffee more and noticing the smell in the house from others making a pot, my body had a natural reaction on a physical level of feeling repelled to it.  This supported me even further. For the next couple of days I had a small moment of a headache every now and then, but drank some water or some juice and then it was all good. 

On day 15 I took a small cup of coffee out of curiosity what it would be like to have some now. I took a few sips and I did not enjoy it at all, it was bitter and not as I remembered it LOL. So this I found interesting, I drank the entire small cup (100ml cup) and then I felt disgusted in my body by the coffee. Five minutes later I started noticing my entire body was vibrating and mostly in my solar plexus area, this I focused on to see what was happening, it was as if I just injected adrenaline into my veins and I started experiencing a physical anxiety within me.  I did not enjoy this experience as I felt more disconnected with my body and not grounded, I got easily more triggered. Within this I also noticed how I was abusing my body by not being able to be in tune with my body and what’s going on with my body to being on this adrenaline rush. 

This has been my journey thus far, and still continuing with no coffee, there is no set limit or amount of time that I will not be drinking coffee. Maybe forever, maybe I will have a cup every now and then in the future. 

Thanks for reading and enjoy.

Day 598 – The root cause of all Addiction Day 1 of 21

watch this video - https://www.facebook.com/upliftconnect/videos/846444885492494/?pnref=story and see they haven't done real investigation actually, but it is a cool start for now, see what helped the addicts in the video wasn't connecting really, it was just they are busy with REAL things and not the mind, the physical was and is their grounding point, stability and so they could stay out of the mind where the real addiction is. - http://upliftconnect.com/opposite-addiction-connection/

IF you truly want to end addictions, any of them, stop your mind, and rebirth YOU at Desteni.org and the online course DIP lite and Pro

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek the root for my addiction from an outside source other than myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek the cause for my addictions within a form of reason outside of me to set me free from my addictions.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that any and all addiction that I have comes from me, and that I must give any and all addiction authority FIRST and foremost, and no matter how much I want to blame or give reason to my environment and circumstances for why I am addicted, I cannot deny that I make the decision every single time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to believe the next best explanation for why I have addictions as to justify sources outside of myself and to not to have to take self-responsibility for myself and can rather blame and be subject to outside sources and never be held accountable for my actions.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that any addiction I form as relationships I form with certain things within my environment comes from the relationship I have formed with myself, where this relationship that I have with myself is the first problem I must deal with, and thus the MIND, as consciousness.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that consciousness is the first addiction I have formed with my own relationship with myself, where I have made consciousness ME, as the thoughts, feelings and emotions as energy, where I have become addicted to the energy that the mind consciousness systems generate within me and to act on these thoughts, feelings and emotions as if they are ME, as if they are real. And so when I form addictions outside of myself they are mere reflections of what I have already accepted and allowed within myself as my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to fully see and realize that thoughts and participating in thoughts is and addiction, as I can see that the thoughts I give attention and make valid within me gives me a certain experience where I indulge within and act out, live.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to fully see and realize that the emotions I indulge within IS an addiction, as it is an energetic experience that I am giving power and authority to over myself and to let this chemical reactions as emotion that I created within me through my acceptances and allowances direct and create my world/life, no different than a drug addict, or alcoholic, or someone that cannot stop gambling, as those things are mere outer creations of how I create within myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to fully see and realize that feelings are an addiction – a chemical reaction(s) that I create within myself through accepting and allowing certain thoughts and to participate within them to give me certain experiences to give something else power and control over me to decide for me how I must experience myself and to then create and live my live according to what I feel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot stop the addiction of the mind and that it is harmless, that it is innocent, that it does not affect anyone else, the same reasoning’s addicts have we have to why the mind is US and not a problem, not the cause of the problems, as we have developed to many reasons and justification to why the mind is amazing and never actually really investigating the effects and causes within the reality of us living as mind consciousness systems, till we become REAL addicts that are involved in porn, sex, alcohol, drugs name them all that then abuse and misuse what is here that causes the extensive pain and abuse within this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just like a real addict find it hard to admit that I am addicted to the mind and that the mind has power and control over me, that thoughts, feelings and emotions control my live every day, no matter what I want to do, when a mood sets in, when someone else shout at me, when I am happy, I follow the energy, I follow the experience just like any addiction and addict does.

Day 530 - Logical thinking and reasoning

 

Logical thinking and reasoning from knowledge and information as being smart is exactly what trapped us humans in this destruction path in Life. Just look at any form of abuse or addiction in this world. It is kept alive with logic and reason based on knowledge and information. A person that abuses a family member at home uses logic and reason in their mind to why they do what they do. Look at porn addicts, they want to stop but logic and reason pulls them back and stopping seems impossible. We can literally use logical thinking and reasoning in any situation in this world and justify it as right. No where is there common sense and self honesty. Take a look at yourself. How you have so much knowledge and information to use as logical thinking and reasoning to justify why you aren't stopping and creating a better world for all life

Day 51 - I cant stop this feeling.

Feelings and emotions, we experience them everyday as if it is normal, like they are happening TO us. And we can not do anything about them.

I am talking about good feelings and bad - mostly we love having the good feelings, and we hate having the bad emotions.

Yet the good feelings require the bad to be good, the bad require the good feelings to be bad.

So within self honesty I can see that the good and the bad feelings and emotions are dependent on each other, there s not way they can exist without each other, so I can see with common sense that as I accept and allow good feeling and bad emotions I am creating an endless cycle for myself in my life of UP's and DOWN's.

I can see and that through giving in to feelings and or emotions I am already creating the opposite of the one i am accepting and allowing, it is predictable, and this is consequences. Because we tend to follow feelings and emotions, we are curious and want to see if they are real, yet not realizing hat they are made up inside yourself as chemical reactions within the body through certain signals we are giving the body within the thought/thinking process all in the mind.

We create feelings and emotions, that is why each being will experience love a different way, each being will experience fear a different way, each being experiences their now feeling and emotions according to the mixture they placed in their pot and the chemicals mixed.

Understanding this I realize that feeling and emotions does not just happen to us, it does not just magically come to us, it actually takes a process within the mind such as thoughts/secret thoughts/back chat/thinking/memories/experiences etc that we accept and allow within our minds and then we create certain feeling and emotions about it based on our own limited perceptions and beliefs and ideas and then it exist within us, it did not come from outside into you/me/us

So stopping feelings and emotions isn't impossible, neither is it impossible to stop thoughts, we like to think so, so that we do to have to take self responsibility as the creators within this world for what we are accepting and allowing to exist within ourselfs and thus within this world as it is currently.

I see within self honesty that it is necessary that we stop thoughts/feelings and emotions, as it is not what is best for all life, as the world that we have created thus far is showing us it isnt best for all life, we have spend billions of years within this same state and yet it has not created a world that is best for all life, this is enough evidence in the physical to show that who we are currently, who I am currently isnt working, it isnt equal and one with LIFE as who we are, because we are living in submission to the mind, as if everything in the mind is happening to us, all feeling and emotions are happening to us.

This is dangerous, realize - a nuclear war all depends on how one man FEELS, the man that has to push the button, does he feel up to it today, did he have a sudden feeling that it is necessary. If we accept and allow one thought we give permission to our-self and all others to have the thoughts they want - murders,rapists, psychopaths, etc.

Because through accepting and allowing thoughts/emotions/feelings we are accepting ourselfs as less than life, not as creators, as being subject to the mind as energy as something that must first happen to us before we act, before we move - like slaves with a whip to the mind.

Self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that feelings is something that just happen to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that emotions is something that just happen to me.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am the creator of all the feeling and emotions I experience within me, as I am the one accepting and allowing them to be within me as I have created them within me through a process of thinking based on memories and past experiences that I have accepted and allowed to define me.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that all thoughts/feeling/emotions are memories that is stored within my body through past experiences and that when I feel a feeling it is me giving permission to the feeling to come up, or that I am creating the feeling through a process of thoughts/thinking and participating within the mind, realizing it isnt some magical thing happening to me but me doing it myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I am powerless to do anything about the feeling/emotions/thoughts within me, realizing that it exist within me as memories as experiences and thus I can stop and direct me in each breathe as I am the source.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that feeling and emotions is something happening to me through anothers actions, realizing that the feeling/emotions could only have been created within my body through a chemical reaction that I have to give a signal to through the process of thoughts and thinking, realizing that I am the creator, the one accepting and allowing it, and thus I can stop it and be here in each breathe one and equal as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I am my feeling and emotions without considering that yet without feelings and emotions I am still here.

I forgive myself that I have not considered the being as me that is without feelings and emotions, neglecting me as the physical though constantly zapping myself and filling myself with feelings and emotions to not face me as the physical as who I am one and equal as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I do not experience feeling or emotions I am still here and to completely deny that such a part of me exist even when I have had this very evidence as me in the past where I was still without feeling or emotions.

I forgive myself that I have not considered the extensive abuse the mind does onto the physical body through the process of thoughts and creating chemical reactions as feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that every time I give permission to thoughts/feeling/emotions that the mind has to actually physically draw the materials it requires from the body to create and manifest feeling/emotions and thoughts, realizing that it is actually feeding off the body for a temporary experience killing the body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that thoughts are more than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that feelings/emotions are more than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility as the creator as the one that accepts and allowed the thoughts/feelings/emotions within me to not have to face what I have accepted and allowed to exist within me and the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to stop the goof feelings, not realizing that all good feelings support bad emotions as they are one and the same supporting each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not feel like taking self responsibility for my thoughts/feeling/emotions, realizing that this is simply really a clear example how I am a slave to feelings and emotions and thoughts, that a feeling decides for me.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that as long as I accept and allow feeling/emotions/thoughts within me I am subject to them within all decisions I make and all I do in my life, realizing that I am in fact not living my life in each breath as what is best for all life as I am acting and reacting on thoughts/feelings/emotions the whole time that is of the past stored within the flesh as memories as past experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to be a slave to my past as thoughts/feelings/emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my thoughts/feelings/emotions and thus the mind as I fear who I will be or that there will be no one, not realizing that before I had feelings and emotions and thoughts as a child I was here, I existed I am alive and thus it shows to me that thoughts/feelings and emotions is simply side effects outcomes of what has been placed within me through my acceptance and allowance within past events, thus it is proof that without thoughts/feeling and emotions there is a being alive, me as life one and equal in and as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the chemical reactions within my body as feelings and emotions to such and extent that I belief I am it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust feelings and emotions as being real and that I must follow my feelings and emotions, not considering I created them within me, thus it isnt even something that needs to follow, it is delusional and not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief my thoughts/feelings and emotions and what I am showing myself through creating my own feelings/emotions within me as a result of secret back chat in my mind where I talk to myself, as this is not different than a mentally disordered person within the system.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that while I give attention to my feelings and emotions all day I am neglecting the physical world and that which really actually in fact matters in relation to life as that which gives me my very breathe, thus leaving the earth in my absence to thoughts/feelings/emotions to others to do as they please and I can not even be aware of it as I am trapped within my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give all power and attention to the mind and all my feelings and emotions to such an extent that I can not even consider a bug's life or how a bug functions, where it comes from and what part it plays on my existence, and for such a bug to be able to go extinct and in the end my life, as I was to imprisoned in my won mind through thoughts/feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unable to even consider that I am LIFE one and equal due to the extent that I have brainwashed myself to belief that feelings and emotions are real and that they are who I am, yet they come form me as I Create them, who is this I that creates them, find yourself as Desteni I process and see who you really are.

I commit myself to support myself within writing and applying self forgiveness within the 7 year journey to life blogs to expose to myself who I have accepted and allowed myself to be through accepting and allowing thought/feelings/emotions to govern my life instead of me.

I commit myself to stop the self abuse of submitting to thoughts feelings and emotions as if they are happening to me and to take self responsibility as the creator and to birth myself as life one and equal through supporting myself within the daily writing of self forgiveness and writing within the 7 year journey to life blogs.

I commit myself to show/expose how we have trapped ourselfs within our own creations as/from the mind and how we have brainwashed and enslaved ourself's within and as the mind and through this forgot who we are as LIFE and to bring about awareness that we are not powerless and that we are not subject to the mind and that we can exist without the mind imposing onto reality as the physical.

I commit myself to show and expose that for billions of years of existing within the mind consciousness system that we were and still is unable to create a world that is best for all life as the mind as self interest and that to only rebirth ourself's as the physical as life one and equal can be bring about that which is best for all life in all ways and create heaven on earth for all life through establishing the Equal Money system this life.