Day 351 - Mirage of self Part 3

Day 349 - Mirage of self Part 1
Day 350 - Mirage of self Part 2

How did I create the thoughts/feeling/emotions within me in relation to the mirage of myself, what was it in my past that I believed that I need to have a mirage.

As I have seen for myself, thoughts/feelings/emotions does not just come from no where, they are first created through an experience, a physical event that takes place within the physical, where the mind then on a quantum mind level take all the information and store it within the physical, and thus creating a memory, as it is always in relation to survival.

So I see that the mind as consciences creates memories through events that have a experience added to it, then this experience becomes the thoughts/feelings/emotions, because the thoughts are like a trigger button, when and as the thought come up the motions/feelings comes next that then charges the mind consciences system and thus have behaviors in and as the physical.

so looking at my behaviors when and as I am within a Mirage of myself I can trace back the thoughts/feelings/emotions and thus find the origin point as the memories.

I see and realize that the memories will be of multiple layers as I simply create more and more memories daily as I am living as this mirage within and as the constant experience that triggers the thoughts and thus the behavior.

I do not see the memories and thus I am going to start with looking at what is here, and this is the behavior and the thoughts and the feelings and the emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present myself as Strong and stable within my physical posture when and as I am around other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Behave within my movements and my stance and the way I talk as the opposite of what I experience within me, seeing and realizing that when and as i behave as the opposite of that which exist within me that I am validating the inner experience/reality of myself as real and to have dominance over me and my behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to behave confident as speaking louder and moving faster and creating a pretending smile on my face to give the impression of confidence being present, when and as I am actually just giving a mirage of myself, seeing and realizing that within such behavior I am creating a polarity of what it means to be confident and what means not to be confident, and thus when and as i am not speaking louder and moving faster and having a smile on my face that it must mean I can not or should not or am not confident, yet it is all defined as such through my own definitions that I created through participating within such behaviors.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give forth that I am able to do anything within my behavior as being that which i desire to be of what i have seen within my reality from others behaviors as what behaviors means such as No fear and having self confidence and being strong and so forth, and thus only becoming a picture presentation of that as I have only seen it as pictures and interpreted it as what it was given forth to be, instead of becoming fearless and building self confidence in fact as who I am, seeing and realizing that I did it from a survival starting point, instead of a self creation point as who I am within what is best for all life.

To be continued.

Day 350 - Mirage of self Part 2

Day 349 - Mirage of self Part 1

reading Bernard Blog from today, I red about how it is pointless so to say writing and doing self forgiveness on point where I only keep on doing self forgiveness or writing in response to emotions and feelings an thoughts that I experience and that is within me, because the thoughts and the feelings/emotions is already a product so to say of something else.

And it was said within common sense that if one do not understand the creation process of the thoughts/feelings emotions then how can one possibly understand thoughts/feeling and emotions and so in return stop them.

Because I see that if and when I only do self forgiveness on the emotions/feelings and thoughts the whole time without fully understanding how I created them that I am within such actions accepting and allowing the thoughts to still be ME, when they are not me.

But to understand that the thoughts and the feelings/emotions are not me I have to obviously first understand how they are created and how I have created them, unless I do not understand the creation process of the thoughts/feelings/emotions I have I will always accept and allow them to be apparently me.

So how do I understand how I created and create thoughts/feelings/emotions and accept and allow them as me, as a believe of myself, as a religion of myself.

I am bringing this point that I have realized from Bernard's blog into this blog on the current topic of the mirage of myself, because I saw that I was doing this point once again as a response to the thoughts/feelings/emotions that I already have had and accepted and allowed as myself, and thus confirming to myself that I do not understand yet how I have created them. Did I even create them? Why did I create them? How did I create them, that is the one I will focus on, the how.

I want to use this topic, this blog and the blogs to come on the mirage of self to make it clear for myself, to give to myself the understanding,, to really get this point clear, I can obviously not do it on myself, I will listen to interviews that is in-relation to the point at hand of thoughts/feelings.emotions creation and accordingly apply myself,

Day 349 - Mirage of self Part 1

Dictionary Definition for mirage is.
Something that appears to be real or possible but is not.

Is who I present myself to be really who I am, or is it just how I appear to be, do I appear the way I make myself appear to others to give the Impression that I am possible of doing specific certain things, as a way to impose onto others.

I have been observing myself for years, I am participated as myself for years while being aware of all the inner realities and whats happening while participating in the real reality as the physical.

What I have notices is that when and as I face reality as the physical in each and every moment that I am in a constant friction, this friction is always me attempting to keep up a mirage.

This mirage is to hide what is going on inside, it is to protect the inner experience and ultimately my self interest which is my inner reality as my thoughts/feelings/emotions.

The friction is interesting, because I experience myself one way within me while I am attempting to keep the mirage of the opposite of that which is within me, for instance, if I experience myself as unstable.emotional within me, I will give the mirage of me being stable and strong as being able to handle certain specific fears within me.

For instance, when and as I am in fear of conflict within me, I will pull a though face, and I will start speaking more and louder and making manly sound when I speak, to make me sound like conflict as to say to everyone in my environment that I am conflict, I can handle conflict and then I also start walking tougher, and I will stand straighter and chin up and all kinds of physical things to create the mirage.

The mirage is proven to be NOT real and Not possible once an actual event/scenario takes place where there is for instance conflict, and suddenly I lose it all and I become the experience within me, the fear and the emotions and the unstable.

This is only one mirage, because the entirety of me is a mirage, I fear myself and who I am within me as my feelings/emotions and thoughts so I really do not want them to come out, I really don't like to be moved and controlled by my feelings/emotions and thoughts, and the only way I have ever learned to keep it hidden throughout my life was to create a mirage to hide it all, and through the mirage I avoid having to face my inner reality, because I believe that as long as I keep the mirage and avoid facing the inner me, then I am save.

This keeps going in circles and the mirage simply upgrade or install new information to change and to mutilate and to change according to the environments input.

For example, I face conflict and I fail to live up to the mirage that gives the illusion that I am capable of facing conflict and after the event the mirage will simply change to something else to make myself seem still capable of facing conflict and that i am OKAY, I am fine, the conflict did not effect me. This isn't helping as I never face who I am within it, but instead hide behind a mirage.

Day 348 – Ignoring the obvious point in the Moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am busy with work and something happens and I have for instance the thought of calling someone to get input on the situation to Ignore such a moment within the believe that it isn’t necessary and that I don’t have to do it if I don’t want to, seeing and realizing such a moment is me as the quantum physical assessing everything at once and that already a common sense solution for me was made and presented to me to follow thought, and I can asses the solution presented to me and make a decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Ignore the obvious points presented to me in the moment that is of common sense and a solution to the problem just because I do not feel like making the extra effort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the extra effort within the moment no matter if it is necessary or not, as long as I check all options and solutions and that I can always know I wasn’t limited and did not limit myself within my capabilities and that I stand clear and at peace with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself stupid to the obvious points to follow in moments that they are here and to then when and as I am questioned or taken on about the problem and questioned on what I did to solve it to now have to create and make up all these stories and lies and excuses to why I did not follow the obvious point in the moment that was here, and get shit for that and make myself feel stupid and be made stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as my limitations of not following all points through that is here to make sure there is not come backs on the points I am working with through ignoring the obvious moments of correction/solutions I see here and to continue forth within deliberate ignorance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep on living as excuses instead of solutions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the excuses I create for myself through not following through on the points that present themselves within moments as possible solutions to a problem/scenario to me and rather create them as regrets/could haves and thus excuses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest towards myself within moments of clarity within what needs to be done through not doing it within excuses and fears and all kinds of bullfrogs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I create my own anger within myself towards myself for keep on making myself seem stupid because of those moments I did not trust myself when and as the points of possible solutions present themselves here and I do not follow through on it and just let it go and then face the stupidity of me doing that when and as someone else is throwing it in my face, seeing and realizing that I am creating distrust within myself f myself through my own actions instead of building confidence and self-respect and honor.

I commit myself to when and as I am in a situation and there is a problem that arise and I can see the problem and when and s that instant moment is HEE where I see the possible solution, to Stop and to breathe and to follow through on it, to trust myself and to also check that what I see does make sense and that it is a common sense solution and not just a quick fix, as the quick fix usually leaves out the fixing part. And to follow through even if it is for nothing, I know I will be clear and standing at peace and self-respect and honor within myself. And that NO excuses and no justifications and no dishonesty is crawling and lurking within me which creates consciousness and feeds it and thus only have limitations instead of expansions as myself to self-perfection.

Day 347 – Sorry, I can Not save you.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to save everyone I meet personally that is in need and that I can see is being abused on some level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realizing that the people that I want to save is but only me seeing and realizing that there are humans/people living in this world in conditions that I would never want for myself and thus I want to help, but I cannot because I know I help one now and then there are Billions more all around the world, and only a real solution is a solution and a real solution is a solution that works for each and every one at the same time all round the world and that is permanent and consistent and that is stable and sustainable and thus trustworthy of LIFE forever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see that I am only one person and that I personally cannot save everyone that I meet daily from their lives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted by wanting and desiring to save each person I meet at a time, not seeing and realizing that this kind of a distraction will take up my entire life and all my money and everything I have and YET will not achieve anything because the ROOT problem is still existent, and that is the System itself.

Thus seeing and realizing that I just dig into the system and learn to know the Soils and waters the system uses to FEED this root cause and to then cut it all off and take the problem out from its roots and plant a new seed, and that this new seed will not help just one man, but that this seed will help ALL LIFE all animals and plants and humans and the earth herself and that this is a solution and worth my time as I will not just help that one person in that one moment when I feel like I have to, but that I will help that personal for life and all his children and grandchildren to come, as I lay a system that is sustainable and that is always BEST for all LIFE and this seed is the Equal Money System, and giving it my daily TIME and caring and attention, it is growing, it is rooting and it is getting a constant supply of support and thus the tree of LIFE will come from the Seed of Life as a system that supports all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get distracted with peoples personal life’s and to lose myself and my time within it as I try and attempt to help them, seeing and realizing that all I am doing in such a process is making myself feel better and not solving a real problem as what I am doing and capable of doing in such a moment is truly limited and only self-indulgence as the ego.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to first save myself and to rather distract myself through seeking to save others first. 

I am Insecure, What do you think of me – Day 346

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to CARE SOOOO much what other people think about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about self-conscious Ideas/images of what others want/prefer from me so much that I compromise my entire integrity and instead change when it isn’t necessary .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I care TOO much about all the small things that is of consciousness that I make myself insecure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I walk around thinking and caring about what others think of me the whole time that I will feel insecure, and that it isn’t even the others doing it but me to myself only.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Focus and care about myself as the IMAGE of myself that I have within my mind and to forget myself as the physical where there is no fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that when and as I am within my mind participating within a Image and Likeness of what I think I am supposed to be by the expectations created by others through their words and actions towards me that I will Be Insecure as I am IN the mind, and to get OUT of the IN security I must live out as the physical OUT of my mind and in my breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live inwards instead of living HERE as me as my body as My sound as my movement and as the breathe in each moment where there is No Insecure where I attempt the whole time to keep myself In and secure from what I perceive that can harm my EGO, seeing and realizing that when and as I live IN side as the mind I am existing as the EGO and thus I am creating a EGO that can be harmed, when in fact it isn’t real, it is simply an image and likeness of myself, a false Idol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use submissiveness and obedience as a way to protect my Insecurity through accepting and allowing the subtle abuse happening as a way to avoid and standing up within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be easy and soft with Myself as to only protect my sensitive ego that I have created though years of mimicking my actual living with the image and likeness within myself that isn’t real, in the fear that, that image and likeness will be shattered and the true real me that I have suppressed comes out all at once as a reaction, instead of living me as the physical daily as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about what others have to say as Opinions/ideas/believes about anything and everything and myself and to make it a point of caring instead of keeping what is good and fucking debunking the bullshit with common sense/questions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear speaking up and to voice myself within the idea that I am created of myself as the false Image and likeness of the mind I have of myself that it just isn’t me, I do not do it, seeing and realizing that it is only so because I have created it to avoid conflict, to avoid what others think of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of myself and what other people think about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my entire existence around what other people think about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR what other people think about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire that others only think good about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear other people’s reactions towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be able to stand within stability and common sense in the face of arguments with others, seeing and realizing that this fear only exist because I have given everyone else permission OVER me as more than me as I have given others ALL the power within my mind to define ME for me through Caring SOO much what others think of me, that they can literally create me through me not standing as my own self directive principal within and as Breathe as LIFE.

Day 345 – Prioritizing my Time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste my Time through not prioritizing my tasks within the time I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to leave what I have to do up to chance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste my time through doing things that does not need to be done because I do not prioritizing my tasks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear that when and as I do prioritizing my tasks that I will have to give up my laziness and actually do what requires to be done according to my prioritizing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear missing out on self-entertainment points such as just sitting around once I prioritize my time and what needs to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear self-perfection as self-perfection requires elf discipline and living what I set myself to live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back from self-perfection through not prioritizing my tasks within the time I have and to leave everything up messy reason.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted as and within the mind from what matters within irrelevant thinking patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that distraction is an indication of no self will power but me following pre-programming as brainwashing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted by the mind as the thoughts I accept and allow within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone prioritizing my tasks within the time I have after work to be as effective as I can, setting up a SYSTEM for myself to follow and to really push myself within my effectiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear that when and as I priorities my time that I will now not have time to relax, seeing and realizing that I must anyway always be relaxed in everything I do and not be in fear of what I am doing and that I can also add relaxing time within my schedule and also priorities relaxing time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create stressful times for myself through not prioritizing my tasks and then only remembering my tasks once I have been notified of them which is a indication of being late and thus the rushing starts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Blame distractions and everything else in my world for me not getting to my priorities, seeing and realizing that I blame because I am lame when I know I was the one remaining the same in the moment of change instead of standing up and moving myself and getting to what needs to be done.

Day 344 – Kids at work.

It has happened a few times now that there are kids at my work around the show room. While the parents are looking for cars the kids aged around 2-4 will be walking with and around the place, I as usual will be walking around or standing somewhere. Before I know it the kids are around me and they want to play, or they simply like to be around me.

Kids are comfortable around me since I could remember, they enjoy me for some reason, I can’t say what the difference is because I am surely not familiar with it yet, it is most probably my resonance that I have always had, people Trust me, as I am trust worthy.

So today there was a Kid at work, the third one recently that literally leaves their mom/dad to be around me, and I experienced myself as becoming uncomfortable after a while, because here is this kid, another person’s kid, and he trusts me, and he is comfortable around me, not with the other 5 people standing around as well, but with me.

I find that I then feel like I must do something, why else is the kid here with me, the kid is probably expecting something of me, should I entertain the kid, should I take the kid back to his parents, what does the kid want from ME specifically, this only came up today because it is the third kid in a row.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when and as a child is within my presence that I must become an entertainer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that children only wants entertainment, not considering that maybe all they want is some stability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Judge myself as not being able to entertain a kid when and as I assume that a kid wants entertainment from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that I am only entertainment for kids when and as they are around/with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as only being able to give entertainment to kids otherwise I am useless beyond that point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as useless when and as I have nothing more to give other than my entertainment to kids.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that kids only seek entertainment and that entertainment is the only need kids have for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the only way kids can like me is if I am entertaining, not seeing and realizing that the kids came to me before I ever seemed entertaining and thus I created that point within me and towards the kids.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that all I am good for is entertainment, not seeing and realizing that I am also stability and not your daily person as within the system, as I do not create a child as less than me or place them as incapable of anything within me and that kids will see this quality within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny my qualities that I have within me that will draw kids to me for stability and some realness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny my ability that I have with kids naturally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear my ability that I have that makes it literally instant for kids to trust me and to be comfortable around me, enough that I will have instant effect on them within my actions and words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to deny my natural ability that I have with kids (the same as what I have with animals) because I fear the responsibility that comes with it, seeing and realizing that I only fear the responsibility of the point because I judge it as bad and not good for the parents side of that child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny my ability that I have with kids and animals in the fear that others will feel less then or inferior to me for when the child/animal chooses me over them even when it is their own kid/owner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not enjoy myself with the kids/animals with my natural ability as who I am but to instead give into fear as the mind as consciousness and to limit and suppress and hide myself away from it all out of the fear of facing conflict with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear jealousy from others within my natural abilities that I have towards kids and animals, seeing and realizing that the fear of jealousy is coming from knowing myself when and as I am jealous and who I become when I am jealous seeing others applying their abilities without holding themselves back and that I then am only jealous because of myself holding myself back within my natural abilities and applying it effectively as others are.

Day 343 – Getting home from work, the Fly trap.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I get home to sit down for a LONG time and just watch shows and drink coffee and stand around and waist time, instead of doing what I know I have to do and do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not do what I have sat out for myself to do once I get home from work and to instead fall into the MIND as the thoughts as the back chat of “ I had a long day I deserve to do nothing for a while” seeing and realizing that it is a excuse/justification for what I am not doing what I set myself out to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone what I want to do and get done once I get home through falling into the mind instead of remaining in breathe and doing physically what needs to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I get home and see others are watching something to GET distracted and to then sit down and also just watch something I don’t really want to watch for the sake of doing nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted by what is going on at home once I get home and to then fall into the pattern of staying within the distraction from the fear of missing out, instead of seeing and realizing that I can simply stand up and go away and do what I set myself out to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make LESS time for myself and what I want to do through being distracted by what others are doing and busy with once I get home from work within the fear of Missing out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone what I want to do ir set myself out to do through and within the fear of missing out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see that when and as I get home from work that the Lounge is a Fly trap and that I am the fly and that if I get distracted and fly into the fly trap that I will trap myself, and not see the opening till it is too late and I have missed all the time I had to get the things done I wanted to get done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a rush hour for myself through wasting my time being distracted by what others are doing and busy with and wanting to just be around within the attempt to feel that I am not missing out within the excuse within myself, I was out working all day, I can sit down and do nothing now for a long period of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist and create myself as one big excuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see that work during the day is hard and that it does take my energy, but once I get home after an hour of driving and doing nothing I have recovered and thus I have all the energy I need to do more and more and that breathing is a tool I have that does not require energy to move myself and thus can always be used to see what’s real and not and thus I see how I create the excuses through using the past and creating it in the present just to have an excuse of “ I am still tired” I must sit down and watch this episode, and the next one, and drink two coffees, lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue with this pattern for a couple of weeks now as a actual decision I make within myself every time, seeing and realizing that compromise and self-sabotage and the level of doing that to myself I am still at and how disturbing it really is for myself that I still haven’t corrected myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone correcting myself within the excuse that I have already not corrected myself for a couple of days now what is one more day going to change, not seeing and realizing that that one more day has turned out to be a couple of weeks now and that I have created a pattern that is now controlling me and directing me and making decisions for me and thus compromising myself entirely as the mind as energy as limitation to what I am truly capable of when I breathe and push myself to my potential I know I am if applied for myself in self honesty.

Day 342 – Self transformation to be a father Part 1

I have been considering a lot of thing ever since I found out I am going to be a father of a child, a Tiny little human being coming into this world.

Everything I have been doing for the last two months since finding out have been magnified. All my bad habits and shitty patterns that I have been accepting and allowing within me for so long is now even bigger within me, because I have realize one thing.

My child WILL learn from me.

It is truly that simple, it isn’t more, so Who I am within all of me is extremely important, and when I say who I am I mean me in fact, not a pretentious me that is pretending to characters and personalities, mean me in fact, inside and out.

And I realize daily it isn’t much longer then the child will be here, The baby is already being trained/learning on a cellular level, I mean cells are alive, they are right now at this moment building the baby into a specific form with the coding DNA that is has from me and my partner, that in itself is already here as the DNA.

Every day when I see my partner I know that who I am towards her as who I am is already effecting the baby, it is common sense, the baby is literally part of her, the baby is being created within her, the baby is of her and a tiny part of me, the baby if using all of my partners body where necessary to develop him/her self.

This by itself shows that my words as the sounds that I speak when my partner is within a certain range of her will be heard by the baby, by the body, the cells and the water of the baby, it is how it works, it isn’t like the baby is protected from it all, it is all taking effects at a quantum physical level, through the sounds, through what my partner is experiencing the baby is also experiencing, they are currently still one body.

Besides that point, I now see all my habits/patterns, I see where I am lazy and where I am postponing and all those things that I know when the baby is here and I do not correct those point that it will become the child, it will be picked up, it will be taught, it will have an effect.

For example, my room has wires from the computers and stuff laying low on the floor and there are sharp table sides and there are cups standing on the tables and there are shoes and bags laying on the floor and there are open dustbins standing next to the desks and cupboards with no doors and there are little screws on the floor and coins laying at random spots and the floor isn’t really that clean, I would not lick it and all these things that I now notice.

When I see these things I KNOW that when the baby is here it cannot be that way, it must be fixed, because the baby will interact with the physical reality on all levels possible, licking and sucking and biting and touching and crawling and all those things anywhere and with all things possible.

And all the things that I am now noticing is “natural things” that is normal to lay around, it is parts of me that is laying around or still existing within my world because of who I am, to lazy to pick up the nail on the floor with a justification of it won’t hurt anyone, it is fine there for now, and the dustbin all open, it does not affect me so it’s all right for now, or the empty cups on my desk that can be thrown down and break and then cut the baby, its pure laziness for not putting it away where it is designed to be again after use.

And all the cables laying open all over, t does not matter of the baby is coming now or in ten years really, it is a matter of living a principal, always in consideration of what is here.

I was given a great perspective once, about four years ago here on the farm just as I started working outside, we were cleaning the one garden and then I said I am done. Then Bernard came to me and he said, are you sure you are done, I said yes it looks done, he said it does not matter how it looks, is it done, can you put a child/baby in this garden and you will know the child/baby is 100% save.

I then reconsidered my answer and I said NO, Bernard then said, okay make sure that is it save enough that a child can play here and nothing will be able to harm the child, isn’t that what it means to be a responsible parent, to make sure that you bring your child into a world where there is nothing that can harm your child.

I also then realize how fucked up this world is because there is ONLY harm within this world awaiting any child around all corners, and that there is NO responsible parents in this world, we can take self-responsibility currently for our own environments if we can afford it, seeing that safety is linked to money instead of a human right as it is supposed to be and then change the world so that every child of all species/races all life will have a Save environments to grow up within, and that in its obvious conclusion will create a save world, because we like to do onto others as they have done onto us (currently everyone with money is basically asking to be killed). If we are cared for we will care and then it becomes do onto others as you would like to be done onto automatically, but NO one is caring, its survival and competition and self-interest and ignorance everywhere, I was raised in a world where there was a constant threat on my life and still is, Rape/murder/war/poverty/starvation/habitat loss fucking name it.

So here I am, a father to be, I see my design, This is my design that I am taking on to change so that I know I can honor myself, have self-respect.
To be continued.

Day 341 - The man Symbol Part 1

I am watching a new series called rectified, it is about a prisoner that was on death row that now got set free after twenty years, so this is guy is now out and about in the world again and everything seems strange to him, and he has lost a lot of human interaction ability, he is slowish and quite and still old style from his time in his life, he was send to prison for raping and killing a girl and now found to not be guilty of the crime.

I am writing here about a certain scene that took place, where this guy which is the main character talk to other guy and he gives the other guy a experience of what happened in prison, this part was something that hit me and why I am writing this blog post today.

The main character was giving a play by play memory experience to the other guy of how he basically got raped in the showers in prison. It was interesting to hear this and to see the experiences that came up within me in relation to such an experience/situation.

He mentioned how he was one morning walking to the showers, and as he turned on the water and started showing a group of other men came in in, he said that you believe you can do something and stop it, yet you can not, and while it is happening you can make yourself believe that you are defending or fighting for some kind of a symbol that you hold of what a man is supposed to be. But it just continue and continue and continue, and there is nothing you can do, and then as quick as the men came in they are out and you stand up from the floor, the water is still running and you just continue showering and you put your cloths on and the guards is still near by,

I found it interesting how I actually placed myself within such a situation and I took myself there where I could see the MIND stuff that would have gone on within me if such an situation would have been happening to me, and I saw this symbol of manhood that I carry with me, and how that would have been one of the actual only fears facing within such a event, because my entire life I have defined myself and limited myself according to @manhood@ and what it is and stand for.

This is where I see that a even such as a gang rap would completely destroy such self definitions of manhood, and the symbol of manhood within me, and yet it is only of the mind once again, physically the body is abused, the body is being tortured and being raped, but anything else attached to what is happening within the mind is what creates separation as fear towards and within such an event.

To be Continued.

Day 340 - Authority complex Part 1

Why do I make every person in my Life the authority of me, let me answer my own question for myself.

As I was writing out that sentence another sentence popped up in my head, like the little naughty me saying “ because then I can manipulate people to like me, giving them power over me and then use that power once they like me to manipulate them into what I want.

Ok that came out quite clear lol, just like that, self-honesty in a moment, being honest with myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Give authority to others over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to have authority over me because I have learned as a child when I do that it makes the other person almost immediately likening me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use authority as a weapon to manipulate others into liking me, because I gave them a position of power.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the weakness of others as their cravings for power as authority against them through giving them authority over me deliberately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that I can always get away with it, not seeing and realizing that if I keep on doing this I will one day get stuck in such a position and there might be no way out .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see that if I give another human being authority over me within the attempt to later on use that power and turn it against the other being as helping me/being kind to me, doing something for me, being my friend at the cost of having to be a slave for the other person that someday I might do it to the wrong person and then I might be a slave to the position for real and no way out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the consequences of submitting myself to everyone in my world just to be accepted and to be liked and the long term consequences of that that I will never have and develop self-respect and self-honor as all my actions is of self-diminishment just for the purpose of being liked and to be accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into believing that when and as I give others authority over me that I can use that to turn the power against them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose self-respect for myself because I never took the position of authority over myself but instead give it away to others to use me and to abuse me and to within that make myself believe that after all the use and abuse it will somehow pay off as I was a good boy, and therefore good boys get rewards, seeing and realizing that once the other person has become comfortable within having authority over me that it will not stop unless I stop it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT develop self-honor for myself for standing as my own authority and directing and moving myself and to not do everything I do just to be liked/accepted but because I see within self-honesty that it needs to be done or said even if someone else do not like it and that I might be dislike, but at least I will have my self-honor for who I am and doing what is best for all life.

To be continued.

Day 339 - Self-Interest is Ignorant to consideration Part 4

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I walk/move/participate within my day to be in my mind, to focus on my thoughts and create feelings/emotions within me and to be focused on the feeling and emotions as being real, and to within this have no actual consideration possible within my physical reality and how I move and participate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Judge myself for not being focused and in full consideration of my physical reality as I participate within and as my mind instead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my thoughts/feeling/emotions real within me through giving them attention, seeing and realizing that when and as I do not give my thoughts/feelings/emotions attention that they suddenly stop and have no more source of energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my energy to my thoughts/feelings/emotions and to within this have no physical energy during the day and thus get tired and so start to lose focus and not being able to consider everything within and as how my physical reality functions/Works and thus make mistakes that is unnecessary and that bears consequences unwanted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not act and to not move within and as the physical when and as I see I can and to instead give value to how I feel and to let that direct me, seeing and realizing that within this I am making and defining the feelings/emotions/thoughts to be my creator, when in fact I am the creator of them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create thoughts/feelings/emotions and to then make myself believe that they came to me and that it must mean something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give meaning and purpose to my thoughts/feelings/emotions as the mind as energy as a way/justification to not take full responsibility for myself and my physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my ability that I know I have if I take full self-responsibility for my reality and when and as I then have full consideration within and as the physical as myself, because I know that if I have full consideration at all times as myself as the physical that I have to act/take responsibility for all the points I see.

To be continued.

Day 338 Self Interest is Ignorant to consideration. Part 3

Part 1
Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself within my mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions where I lose myself and create all these different experiences for myself during my day that only compromises.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unable to consider that I am the problem participating within my mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions when and as I am blaming and pointing fingers at others for being the problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame other people for how I experience myself within and as situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create situation for myself within my actions/words/behaviors of blaming other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see that what is going on within me internally will have an effect within my world and how I participate and do things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that when and as I blame others for what is happening within me as my experiences as my thoughts/feelings/emotions that I am giving them power over me, as they apparently have power to create me and thus what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within me within seeing and realizing that I have been all along creating my reality within how I participate within my internal reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that even now after seeing and realizing this point for myself actually that I will forget and then it will just continue as before, and thus nothing change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breathe as my stabilizer and to always stop the mind no matter what.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “forget” to stop my thoughts/feelings/emotions when and as they are here and consuming me within self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use “forgetting” as an excuse to the actual truth, that I enjoy having thoughts within my mind where I can just blame others for how I experience myself , because I know that I in fact have to take self-responsibility for the thoughts/feeling and emotions within me and that it requires walking the talking which takes effort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy blaming others and to enjoy the self-righteousness energy feeling that I gain from within blaming and how I feel that I am empowering myself from a mind perspective, meanwhile I am actually in fact giving away all my actual physical power to move and direct myself effectively within reality and only compromise ALL my relationships.

To be continued.

Day 337 – Self-interest is ignorant to Consideration Part 2

Continuing from Day 336 - self interest is ignorant toconsideration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I am within self-interest I narrow myself down to not be able to consider anything besides my self-interest and thus limited myself within my actual physical participation within reality and my effectiveness within applying myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within self-interest as the INNER world of me and to focus on only my inner world and what I am experiencing, seeing and realizing that when and as I give my focus to my inner world as myself self-interest then I can obviously not focus on the physical actual reality/world and be effective within applying the physical as myself, and thus have consequences that flow out from my actions such as forgetting or missing out key points/steps within doing/fulfilling a task.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my INNER world so important and what I experience that it controls everything I do and even who I am, and thus accordingly control my every move and how I do things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that whe4n and as I focus on my internal reality that is of multiple dimensions at all times as feelings/emotions/thoughts/back-chat etc. that I will miss the obvious within my physical reality and thus continue to make mistakes instead of learning from them and correcting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for making the same mistake over and over again, seeing and realizing that I have to stop all forms of the mind that will attempt to keep me in the mind such as self-judgment to be able to stop the mind and to breathe and focus my abilities within and as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see within the common sense that when and as I am not within and as the physical one and equal within my participation that I will not learn to understand the physical effectively, as I do see and realize that the physical functions in actual physical steps within physical processes that take place such as the equality equation of 1+1=2 and that to see the actuality of this I must actually live and breathe in and as my body one and equal within and as the physical where I can take in all that is here in consideration in and as the physical and accordingly take physical actions as required, and not skip steps and ignore certain steps that is vital because I will for instance be in the mind as self-interest and only be focused on what I FEEL like doing or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that when and as I am in the mind participating within and as energy as thoughts as memories that I will only be able to see the mind and not the physical as the real actual participant.
To be continued.