OH no, Coldness is touching me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as just a tiny litte bit of cold air or wind touches my body to immediately want to get a jacket on or something warmer just not to experience the coldness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR shiffering and being cold when and as cold air or wind touches my skin. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike even a little bit of cold ait touching my skin.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that coldness is bad for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that cold air or wind touching my body is a bad sign and thus I want to get warm as fast as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I experience myself as cold then I can get sick or ill, or even not be able to move or do anything properly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that coldness Is something that is against me, that wants to harm me, that wants to put me to sleep or out of action, to not work and be effective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a negative state of mind when and as I experience just a little bit of cold air on my skin or a cold breeze passing by where I then thing, OH no, It I cold, I am not going to be able to move and work outside effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to HATE the physical experience I go into when and as a cold breeze or wind is passing by and touches my skin.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike and have a negative mind set about my fingers and body feeling stiff and cold when and as it I cold, where I think thing and blame the cold for me not being able to effectively use my body or do things, such as typing or working with tools and to within this go into a giving up mode of rather not wanting to do anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see it as too much work to breathe and to relax my body when and as it is cold and I am experiencing myself as cold, to relax my body and to focus on the breathing and to not let my body tense up within the experience of coldness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to JUDGE coldness as BAD and negative based on how I experience myself within the cold, seeing and realizing that cold is here is it an expression of life it isn’t good or bad, it is something I can also enjoy if I drop the brainwashing and conditioning that I as the mind have placed on the cold as a way to attempt to manipulate myself and my environment to get things to be my way.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accept and allowed myself to see and realize fully my responsibility within my experience that happens within me as my thoughts, my emotional state when and as there is cold, and thus how I as my internal experience effects how I as the body experience the cold one and equal, and thus I see and realize that I can actually learn from the cold as the cold exposes ME and different parts of me and what emotional states I exist as hidden, that comes out when it is cold.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just accept the experiences within me when it is cold as it is cold, and to not investigate what is coming up within me that determines my experience within coldness, where coldness has now become this whole thing instead of just cold, and expression of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not challenge who I am within cold and to just run with it a normal, because everyone else seems to also find it normal and have the same and similar experiences and thus mine must be real and true and valid, never challenging every part of ME that comes up and exposes itself with different weather.

I commit myself to check myself and who I am and the experiences I have when and as I am cold.

I commit myself to breathe and to walk through and understand the emotional experiences that comes up when and as I am cold.

I commit myself to challenge the back chat that comes up as my living and behaviour when and as it is cold and to check what is real as ME and what is a design to further control me as the mind energy slave to consciousness where apparently the physical is the problem and causes me to experience myself certain ways within me.

This blog is on sex and private parts, adult's only , the BIG surprise – Day 607 day 10 of 21

This blog is for adults, well, should it be? I mean let’s be honest, we all got introduced to sex and everything about sex the day we were made, I mean a penis and a vagina was involved, but to be more serious, fuck media made sure I knew about vaginas and penises before my system assigned appropriate age which is 18, by the time I was 13, I have seen hard core porn, by accident of course. Visiting a friend by surprise, standing at the entrance of the door at his home, I heard weird noises coming from the house and looked in and saw on two computer screens hard core porn playing. I was fucking shocked. Before that I of course have seen naked women and men, I mean I am a man, but I saw naked women on TV, all the time, with my family, especially when sex scenes were coming up, but the private parts are always hidden then. And I got hold of a lot of “sexy” magazines, those perfect brainwashing tools being distributed all around, and they all were basically just teasing, not showing anything “private” once again, 90% was left to the imagination. And this is the part I am coming to within this blog.

The imagination and Vaginas

Please, consider this blog is written from me as a male point of view and it is going to be quite honest and open, so don’t make it personal towards me or anyone or anything else. I want to share my experiences and what I learned as a young man in his teens and before that and up until now.

consider - everything except porn is designed to make us focus on everything as an image other than the actual private parts, so we are left to connect the real point with the imagination stimulus designed around the people and images presented, such as the ass, legs, eyes, arms, figure, to totally disregard the actual point in discussion - sex, which is the vagina and the penis really.

I was sold an Idea about sex that was contradicting reality regarding sex, yes it is and was my responsibility to not accept and allow all the shit I was told and sold about sex, but I did, it was a curious thing, as I was in the stages of still understanding sex and my own male parts and the curious secretive female parts.

From TV and Media, I got this perfect picture, beautiful clean women idea, and then also that women are good for sex, really, that’s all I saw women good for in my youth, to get sex, perhaps I am one of the guys that wanted that idea to be sold to me because I was so insecure, perhaps all guys had this idea and hid it better, but my point is, this used to be my ideas, not the Ideal at all.

Yet I also had this Idea mixed up with women are perfect, somehow I was mind fucked by two polarities like a beautiful nice respected girl is somehow a prostitute underneath it all to be fucked hard. This is simply how it was programmed within me through what I saw on TV and Media and magazines, all those pictures and moving pictures really influences a guy at that age (age 7 and onward).

Now I knew one thing, a Dick is an ugly thing, I mean, geeze, just look at it, and never mind the smell sometimes, they look like one eyed monsters, in the showers or dressing rooms with a bunch of other guys, there are all kinds of weird one eyed monsters, all competing with each other, who’s got a meaner and stronger monster, checking and looking, even teasing and laughing at those who’s monsters weren’t in a certain range, not to mention the size and the different ways of direction all these one eyed monsters have. The point I want to make will come soon for mentioning this.

I remember feeling insecure after a few times having this competition in the dressing rooms for buys and not wanting to get dressed or naked in front of other boys, because the possibility of teasing might come up, so I avoided that, even though it never happened to me, but other kids got it hard, not that kind of hard.

Then you have the public toilets, and here, sometimes there are up to 10 standing urinals next to each other, and while pissing you try and avoid others from looking or seeing but if there are two other guys next to you, you just have to give u and piss quick and get it over, unless you are not shy and have some kind of an idea about your size one eye monster, then some guys will like swing that thing out and proudly piss for all to see. So now, here I am with a reality check always around me, and here comes my point that had me confused and that I took to myself as a male.

When I watch movies, or hear songs, where the girls just cannot wait to give a guy a blow job or touch his dick, I go in my mind WHAT?? Does this girl even know what she is wanting? I mean, the weird shit that goes on in men’s pans and the smells, Girls want that? Shit, there must be something wrong with women then to want that shit. Now at this point in time I still had NO clue what a vagina really looks like, feels like or if it also smells – and god dammit I was going with my imagination, because if I had to be real with myself that Vaginas will also smell, or feel weird, or have weird looks, then what I have in my imagination about girls will quickly change to becoming real and not this clean perfect image that is pure and smooth and just fucking perfect, and I went as far as even imagining that the picture of these models on TV and in magazines must fit what their vaginas will be like, I mean it must be??

Now the only “real” feedback I got on what Vaginas are about and how they are was from my trust worthy friends – and all the stories they have heard and later on all the stories that they have created “apparently” before me – and NEVER was anything mentioned about smells or tastes, even though they claimed they have been down there, all I heard was about wetness, extreme wetness, this surprised me because I never imagined that, of course imagination attempts to be far away from reality. Never mind all the hair, or mentioning about hair flossing your teeth potentially.

I discovered all of this myself over the years in my teenage years, and it was a surprise – not that there was smells, and hair and lots of juices, but that even after that and everyone knowing about the reality of vaginas and penises, among ourselves we will always only talk superficial as to keep the imagination intact, that which isn’t real, we do not talk about the real stuff, all of it, like while you have sex, farting is a possibility, mmm.

So this is my blog on sharing a bit more about how if we are real with ourselves in terms of reality and the sexual organs and stop making everything in our minds as pretty, as clean, as nice as perfect and get down to the actuality of it all, we can actually start seeing more clearly when something is literally deceiving us with pictures and selling using sex mixed with perfection, I mean, you will encounter ass hair, or some weird shit downstairs, it just is part of the human design and we can trip and cut and do plastic surgery all we want but it isn’t solving eh problem of the imagination and how it run people’s lives, I mean, after discovering the reality of sex for myself the first time and what’s involved, besides just intercourse, but like playing, you know, four play – I still have the Imagination to imagine it different and more perfect with some other girl, that this other girls will be more perfect, or have it right as I have imagined it, I mean just take a look at your own dick/penis, there is no perfect.

In the end it is really simple, regardless of the body image, one has a penis and the other has a vagina, or in more simpler terms, one has a rod and the other has a hole, that’s what it is all about, and to make these parts fit, is simple, in and out, with of course the required lubrication's and that will cause certain smells, like a car gives off a smell from the oil and petrol because of all the ins and outs happening, and then there will be gasses release, and we have exhausts pipes, our assholes, and shit will take place, we have to be real about this or the imagination and what is in movies, TV’s series and general media will keep playing on this “perfect imaginary world of sex in our minds”.

And the saddest part is, we are all actually believing and thinking that we can achieve this perfection image and are willing to go to great lengths to change our bodies, but if you are going to sweat and stink during sex, or if your penis or vagina is going to produce a certain smell while in action, you better hope you can breathe and be here in the physical, or you will be turned off, and then a sexual problem is coming.

Being real about this, you will find NO women or man in the streets will be attractive to you as an image anymore and you will empower yourself to already there not get distracted or fall in the trap of being attracted by an image.

Imagine that hot Vampire lady you saw in a movie or guy and then realizing, shit they have stinky dicks and vaginas just like me, they fart just like me, they have imperfect vaginas and dicks just like me, there is nothing special, just the outer image, they also probably far and have ass hair while in that intimate moment, and when things get really hot those smelly armpits will just make things bloom even more and there is nothing special.

The physical has the same way of expressing itself within the same things within all of us. These are some pointers I integrated for myself to stop the addiction of looking, of desire ring, of being distracted and following the lady in the red dress so to say, now I can truly embrace me as my body and there is NO imagination interfering and I am in breath. Then every moment is perfect and not seeking it somewhere out there as sold to us. Let’s all grow leg hair and armpit hair, destroy the illusions that keeps the systems alive and in attraction.

Day 552 - What is real and what is possible? Questioning the so called facts for myself of myself

 The believes we have accepted as facts are the ones that becomes the facts. we fight for them, we reason for them, we make them logical, we create what is HERE and what is possible or impossible in FACTS!! so consider that if we can do that, then we must know anything truly is possible, even if it makes things in fact impossible just because we believe it, live it, breath it - in the beginning was the word and the word was with god and the word became flesh

I am sitting my chair, I have coffee on my table, and I have earphones in my ears listening to some interviews. My son is sleeping on the bed, he woke us up at 4:45am this morning, and we climbed out of bed at 5:15 am, we went to sleep at 1am, so here I am at 9:27Pm at night, a whole day of work behind me, or with me here. I experience my eyes tired and my body feels heavy, yet I am awake, I know most of my tiredness is within the Idea of time and space, what I have gone through today, plus yesterday, and the day before, no rest, not really, I haven’t had a deep sleep in about two years’ time. The tiredness is all in the mind, I just proved it to myself just now, I took one breath and I am here. 

How does that work? Why didn’t I do that earlier? What did I gain from remaining in the mind in a state of tiredness most fo the day, yes I was able to subtly manipulate my reality and have something to say to people every now and then and somehow attach what I say to my physical experience, my body to express what I am saying, to show and live what I am saying, just saying the word Tired and using it I must live it, why else would I use it or say it to someone else? Because I am tired? Or am I tired because I keep thinking it and holding this massive long timeline of my entire life inside me, inside my mind to justify why I am using and thus living the word tiredness. What is the Purpose? If I can simply not be tired yet do everything I do and more, why do I fear that aspect.

Why do I take events/moment and accumulate them into every other single moment? Is it a choice of my body? Or is it the believe that my body functions that way? Who taught me it works that way with my body, I mean I am telling my body or expecting my body to be a certain way after doing things and how long I have done them or what things I am doing, so is it really the experience of my body getting tired, or did I just place that condition. Perhaps to control my reality through limiting my body according to the mind’s desires and wants? To survive and just continue to consume energy internally, limiting the unlimited energy as LIFE to be accessible to express oneself within all possibilities. Yes here I am referring to what your mind do not want to look at or see. Like walking on water, flying even, walking through walls, teleporting, telekinesis, not needing food to live, walking through fire, melting ice by walking bare foot over it, I mean the body is here connected to all as LIFE, as the substance of life, real life energy, and thus the body can change, the body is like water, it manifests and crystallizes as we believe/do – but not as the pre-programmed mind exist currently, the mind is the limitation in itself. There are some people in this world that has accessed some of these abilities; they have done it, like the Ice man guy. Bruce lee went the extra mile, not to mention Jesus or the Masters of the Far East.

What if I had no thoughts and truly lived with and as the body? What will the possibilities be then, what will be real then, and here I am just talking about the natural state of the body, what if I develop my body from this natural state to actually evolve, to create and develop abilities that is Physical and beyond the mind – the mind can only exist inside itself, the physical body can exist here as all that is here in and as the physical, that which is real, thus nothing is impossible – Everything is possible.
I write this to just give myself a moment to consider how far I still have to walk my process and to develop myself in and as the physical and to actually understand the physical, Stars are made from dust, I am made from dust – The universe exist and I am here, why am I limited? Why have I accepted and allowed the impossible to exist within and as me, the disbelieve of the physical and to submit into the Logic and laws of the mind that keeps one enslaved to the mind to only believe the things of the mind, the physical and what is truly possible can only be lived, the mind cannot comprehend.

And Here I am struggling with tiredness at 9:48PM on a Thursday Night, Oh wait, I am not tired anymore, I took one breath and allowed the body to decide, and the body isn’t tired. But my mind wants ITS own time, the mind cannot function as effective and as long as the physical body, it is like a generator, at some point it needs a lot of off time from over working and refilling multiple times a day if used. The mind is Mining the physical, so our bodies has to first go through repair mode, Self-forgiveness as the Delete Button of the Organic robot.

Day 461 – Death and form.

I will die, it’s a fact, everyone will die, in a hundred or more years everyone that is on earth now will be gone and there will be new humans on earth running what we have left behind.

The new people that will run the earth and the human systems and looking after the earth (I wish) will never think or even care for that I existed, I will be dust again and that is it.

How and why am I stating these points, I was sitting the other day by myself in the lounge and waiting for food on the stove to boil, as I sat there I started massaging my hands and breathing nice and slow.

Within this my hands became very warm and soft, I could really feel my hands and I was here inside my body, no thoughts in my mind and no energy trapped within my body, everything was quiet and here, me as the physical breathing and being chilled.

I then took my hands as I was massaging them and I started to really look at my hands, I noticed the details of the hair on my hands and the sweat poor’s and the skin texture, I also noticed the veins running through my hands and where they might be going with the blood obviously flowing through them.

As I looked at my hands I then wanted to now pick up my leg and see my leg, as I picked up my leg I realized that I was picking up my leg, for some reason I did not pick up my leg using my leg muscles, I used my hand, I grabbed my leg and pulled it upwards onto the chair, within this I felt the bones and the shin and the veins running with the hair, and for but a moment It felt like I was picking up something separate. The same as me picking up a rock.

I then looked at my leg and my hands holding my leg and I realize that the body I have isn’t me, it will one day age and die, or die through other means. My body will return to the earth.

My body does not have fear, my body by itself does not experience fear of have any fear for this transition that has to yet come – where the body dies and returns to earth in its more basic form.
If I had to remove myself from my body my body would have no fear as the fear come from the mind which I use as the being to create and generate energy from.

I also realized that the fear I had of the Body dying was the mind fearing it, NOT me as the being here, because the mind knows that it requires the body to exist, as the mind takes the energy from the body to exit in energy as the feelings/emotions, yet me and my body are calm and here, we understand the process of LIFE as one and equal, as the physical and that death is real, yet not to be feared.

Because me as the being and the body as the solid physical form, we do not require energy as thoughts/feelings/emotions to exist, we are here, we simply have to breathe as the body and even when the body stops breathing each cell on its own as a being will continue living and I as the being that for a time used the physical body as the vessel to move around and to learn about the physical and life and creation and to reborn myself through using the awesome body form that is solid and thus a practical tool to self-realize, will be here – yet I also saw in that moment how I as the being have chosen the mind over the body and have lived within the mind for as long as I can remember, and thus I have created myself as a mind being that will also end with death as I would have never self-realized myself in that moment if death has to occur, I also realized that I as the being as the one with the creation powers are the one choosing between the mind and the body at all times, and the body is rarely chosen but only neglected and abused.

As the body is solid here and the mind is floating up there in energy – I am consistently always one breathe away from self-realization, and self-realization isn’t something special, it is HERE, the physical is that consistent reference as the body and the earth, even though I will not be the body after death, I will still be here as the Physical, if I create myself s the physical, choosing the physical and self-realize what is here.

Day 450 - I just can’t get up - living my utmost potential Part 2

continuing from - Day 449 - I just can't get up Part 1

Day 449 - I just can’t get up - living my utmost potential - See more at: http://gianjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2014/07/day-449-i-just-cant-get-up-living-my.html#sthash.uRP6C1Ay.dpuf

Day 449 - I just can’t get up - living my utmost potential - See more at: http://gianjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2014/07/day-449-i-just-cant-get-up-living-my.html#sthash.uRP6C1Ay.dpuf

Day 449 - I just can’t get up - living my utmost potential - See more at: http://gianjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2014/07/day-449-i-just-cant-get-up-living-my.html#sthash.uRP6C1Ay.dpuf

Day 449 - I just can’t get up - living my utmost potential - See more at: http://gianjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2014/07/day-449-i-just-cant-get-up-living-my.html#sthash.uRP6C1Ay.dpuf

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself sleep more than required using the back-chat and justification of “Because I can” and to use this back-chat as valid for sleeping more than required.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that JUST because I am capable of sleeping and escaping from reality for a while, that I can just do it whenever I want when there is time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignorantly make the statement in my head of “ Because I can sleep more” without seeing the consequences within the action of just sleeping and wasting time doing nothing but not being here.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stop and to investigate why it is that I want to sleep more just because I can, just because I have the time, instead of living and doing things that is require and practical, and rather postpone it and compact it all into less time available during the day and create a stressful day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the day that lies ahead, and to within this rather choose to sleep more than having to do more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the day ahead more than myself in the moment and to within this rather want to hide away a bit more through sleeping and compromising practical living things for the purpose of just not having to do more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take my day on where I make the first decision and not my mind, where I wake up at the set time I give myself because I live it in the moment and to not be directed by how I feel and think and all the internal things going on, but me making the living change, knowing I did it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have second thoughts, or any thought at all that directs me away or against my decision for what I want to live, that I have set for myself to live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I wake up to my alarm in the morning have a bias intention within me to not stick to the alarm but to have open space for second options such as sleeping more and throwing common sense out of the window.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise and sabotage myself though not living the decision I have made on waking up early and for all the practical common sense reasons, to live as the physical as my utmost potential and to not submit to the mind as energy and thoughts/backchat, to breathe and push through the brainwashing and mind conditioning on the body.

To be continued with SCS

Day 420 - I am Belief Part 8

Day 419 – I am Belief. 

When and as I see that I am accessing a belief system within myself that I have about myself or towards myself – I stop – I breathe and I slow down, I check myself and why I am within the certain belief system of myself and why I am living as this belief/limitation and to correct myself within the realization that NO belief is ever real or valid, as I see and realize that any and all Beliefs are Lies made up in the mind.

When and as I see myself Living a Belief that I have created about myself or the world/others – I stop - I breathe, I check myself if I am here living in and as the physical as that which is real and measurable or if I am in the mind as Thoughts/feelings/emotions/back-chat that is not serving me or life to be the potential I can be as Life one and equal – as I see and realize that the Beliefs I have of myself the world/others is but only Knowledge and Information that I have made up or gotten and have accepted and allowed Knowledge and information to be real – Instead I see and realize that it is within each breathe as the Physical that I will see what’s here and real and thus no knowledge and information required to add to what’s already here as the Physical.

When and as I see myself Finding it hard to stop a belief because I have created a Belief of what is to be expected after stopping a Belief – I stop – I breathe, I slow myself down and I focus on my breathing and what’s here in the moment as the physical, using my smell, my sight, my touch and my hearing and my Physical presence as me to get real to Be LIFE instead of a Be LIEF.

When and as I see myself living/acting in accordance towards something that I belief of myself towards something that I am accepting and allowing to move me as a response to create disbelief or to create the belief as real, I stop, I breathe, I bring myself back here in each breathe each moment and focus on what I am doing and see/realize what’s real.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am creating beliefs about myself in my mind to stop and to breathe and to check why am I creating a belief about myself as a Image or Likeness within my mind – to sit down to write it out and to expose the belief system of limitation and to not accept and allow myself to be anything less or more then what’s here as the Physical within self-perfection.

To Be Continued.

Day 419 – I am Belief. Part 7

Day 418 - Word Belief lived/created Part 6

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Create more beliefs everyday about myself and the world through back-chat and secret mind BS within and as the Idea that I can use beliefs to undo old beliefs, seeing and realizing that it does not matter what Belief I create if it is positive or negative the system remains the same, a beliefs as an energetic experience motivation to move or not move that feeds off the body off the flesh of Life to sustain its short period of existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create beliefs in the attempt to create or make something more then what is here within each breathe/moment just to feel something called an emotion/feeling to feel my life has a meaning, something more than what is here within simplicity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create beliefs out of everything Physical that is here just so that I can belief I am smart because of the Beliefs I can make up/create out of what’s here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create beliefs out of everything from why the earth is round to why I am not gaining weight or to why I love or hate certain things or why a dog is a dog and a mouse a mouse just to feel that I have some sort of intellectual power over what’s here as I am creating all these beliefs about everything here that makes sense and seem so smart and where when I sell these beliefs to others they seem to agree and they seem to acknowledge the intellect within my beliefs and thus it means my beliefs must be so true and so real and so Solid as facts.

Seeing and realizing that all I am doing is building a prison around myself a=of beliefs or knowledge and information that I must not remember all the time taking all my time just to keep this system alive within myself of not having to feel any less then.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I have created a world of beliefs in my mind within myself as a prison for myself and my mind to always be limited within these beliefs just so that the mind can keep on feeding off the energy the beliefs are creating within my prison.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create beliefs out of everything that is here in fear of what is here as the truth as the facts of reality and to instead create a belief to justify to reason to excuse me from reality and to not to have to take full self-responsibility as a co-creator.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I am in a prison of my mind where I create beliefs about reality and me within reality just so that I can make myself seem more within reality and what is here and thus enslave and imprison myself within these beliefs of myself and reality to a self-create world in my mind, like copying what is in fact here into my mind into all my beliefs of myself in relation to the world/reality and to then live life from this illusion through my mind first then in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Live through my mind as my beliefs of/about reality and myself as the illusions/delusions in my mind as the definitions I have attached to all that is here and what these definitions are within my own personal relationships towards the words/reality and to then live accordingly to this self-created Belief or reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interact in a indirect way within reality within the physical through first looking at what’s here and then copy what’s here and imprint it into my mind as a picture and then to add my Beliefs to the picture and my definitions to the picture and all that’s in the picture and to then after adding all my own self-created beliefs and limitation to the picture in my mind I take that picture with all the newly added knowledge and information I am past it over reality as the physical as a mental projection and then to only move/direct myself within this delusion I have created from and as my mind.

To Be continued.

Day 418 - Word Beleif Lived/created Part 6

Continuing from Day 417 - Word Belief lived/created Part 5

NOW – I have re-enforced this belief with self-created Physical evidence, this mean it will be WAY harder for me to gain weight with my next attempt, I just now proofed to myself and everyone in my environment that I can’t gain weight no matter what I eat or drink.

So now I can even go deeper – where did I create the Belief that I need to gain weight, why has this become a problem for me, why do I have this urgent need to want to gain weight – where does this belief come from that I must gain weight before a certain age and time in my life – weight being muscles, looking physically healthy and not skinny and weak/sick.

I was fine with my Physical body/weight up until I went to my second primary school in grade two – when there was more Boys and more other children and people – I noticed that I was physically smaller than the other boys, and this meant they had an advantage over me physically, which made me feel insecure and vulnerable.

Which was the case, the smaller I was in comparison to the other boys the more I would be pushed around and get bullied and all those kind of stuff, I am an easier target.

Yet here I was young, I saw within the years to come that all the other boys was growing bigger and getting more muscles and stronger, when I was basically still skinny and smaller and could not play for instance Rugby, as they would just crush me with their bodies. But I was amazing in athletics.

So I had the Belief that my time will come, I will catch up with the other boys, just wait, you know how we change with time and age, my Mother especially always said, just give it time, your body will develop in your teenage years. When my teenage years came and I was in high school with even more people around from all over the town in one place, with guys that look like muscle builders and that is strong and tall and that have everything we call a real man, I still remained this fucking skinny guy.

While my best friend was shorter than me by at least four inches, he at least weighed sixty six Kilograms at the age of sixteen. And he looked skinny to me – I who was taller and who was also sixteen only weighed fifty five kilograms. WTF. When is this fucking change coming my mother talked about? Why am I not growing up, why am I not maturing, why am I not becoming a man.

So within ALL this time that has passed, I had to create a reason a excuse for other people in my environment why I am not becoming a man, why I am not changing and maturing and getting bigger and gaining weight/muscles – so I turned to Knowledge and information to give me explanation within this time, I used excuses like it’s in my DNA, its my GENETICS, it is my physical design, yes sure it is, but I made a Belief out of it, I used this Belief and I sold it to everyone, so that I could feel better about myself, I used this Belief that it’s my physical design, look I am skinny but check how strong I am, I was strong and I won’t deny it.

So now I made up within all this time a belief about myself – I belief it’s my DNA and my genetics and it runs in the family and within this its unchangeable, it is set in stone, I am sorry ladies but this is my design and I am stuck within it., the design is slim but with strong toned muscles inside, because I was able to do everything everyone else did only weighing fifty six kilograms at the age of eighteen. Se how I re-enforced the belief by making it into something special, I made my limitation special, I accepted it as fact and I made it special to feel special so that I don’t have to feel inferior or left out or less than.

To be continued on Self forgiveness.