C O N T R O L

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being controlled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Desire control over certain things/people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that any attempt to control others is me controlling only myself and e3nslaving myself to that control system one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear LOSING the control I believe I have, where I fear if I lose control that everything will be lost, gone, that all I have worked so hard for will be for nothing, seeing and realizing that all I fear is me and who I will be, thus I see and realize that I can choose/decide who I am no matter what happens and thus I can let go of control, allow flow, allow things to grow, allow processes to move and unfold where I am or can not directly have an impact, or say, and so focus on me my living here and directing myself as water do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can control

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that to want to control is to confirm one’s fear, thus control is a direct form of fearful living, where I will approach situations or people with control out of fear, instead of approaching people or situations simply with common sense and to be open to receive, to learn, to give, to teach equal and one where all is considered and thus no control is required.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am able to control things/others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that control is a coping mechanism, as to come with what is here, versus finding a real solution.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that CONTROL is a form of avoidance, where I control things in my environment as to avoid reactions, to avoid parts of myself within myself that I do not like to face, take on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to control and to be able to control something is power, not seeing and realizing that within placing control onto others/myself I enslave myself and others to a certain way things are, and so must always be in a certain MODE of control, enslaving myself to a character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that I must CHANGE myself, come to agreements and implement principle living where control becomes obsolete, renders it useless in the mind, where I live like water, water can not be controlled it will flow, rain, vaporize, it will find a way to move and direct itself to be life giving, as the principle and agreement of water is life giving and so always move to do that, nothing more and nothing less, and any imbalance within that does not require more control, as it is impossible, but rather solutions/corrections within the principle for the flow of life to be here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control the outcome of something, as I have come to believe that my way is the right way, and no one else is to be trusted, or can be trusted. THUS creating distrust and so the opposite of the desired outcome, as all control is lost through only distrust being acted on in the disguise of control. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I believe I have control over something, over people and a direction within how things are moving, to feel powerful, to feel like things are getting done, to feel that things are finally moving forward, only to find out that control is a moment, and eventually the truth comes to the surface that control is not possible, and so go into a polarity of I am failing, everything is falling backwards, nothing is working out, and so within that lose control within me and my direction, as I find it was a house of cards built upon illusions as control.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to misdirect control as to create the illusion of change only to maintain control, only postpone the inevitable, only prolong the process of LIFE that needs to flow, that needs to move, and only through allowing the water to flow and to reach it’s destination, it must be let lose, as it will become swampy, contaminated if it only sits still in the same pond, not moving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of self-control and to let myself live, to be. To express without fear of what others will think of me or how they will judge me, and so allow my waters to flow, to grow to find their ways to HERE, to stop controlling me to be a certain way in fear of what others will think, as I see and realize it is about me and my living, who I am and allowing myself to see myself, especially when I move, when my waters move, when I can grow and give as I have received as water does and do.

I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realized that living by the principle of what is best for all life in all ways naturally renders control useless, as principle living is who I am, and thus I do not have to control who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to flow, to move, to grow and to focus on myself, to let my self-control go, my moralities, to trust my principle in living as water trust itself to be water, life giving, and therefore no control needed, not a one way or a certain way, I must be the way as the movement as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as someone comes to challenge me, what I am doing, or parts of me, to immediately move into control, to control the situation, instead of allowing it to flow all the way, to flush out the waters that isn't needed, to trust the moment that is challenging me to stir the waters to remove any impurities, and so seeing that in such moment I must breathe, I must focus on what is presented within me, find the reactions that want to push me to control, let them go, let the new in and let it flow, I see and realize in such moment I must breathe and stand by my principle, no need to think, hold within me, what is best for all and thus myself with the new information presented within what is here as life, what works, what is best, and move with that based on principle, not personal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find comfort in the illusion of control.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the wind blowing against me, pushing me freely around as a dance to be my expression, but to rather be fighting the winds, not wanting to move.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR letting go of what I define as the BEST way that I see, or that was given to me a certain way to do a certain something, in the fear of taking the long way, the wrong way or going through unnecessary processes and learning experiences to only come at the same point again given to me, and thus going into control, where I control myself to NOT flow, to not move, to not grow, to now TRUST myself as the WAY given to me as a living expression in who I am in all ways, as water does, water does not change no matter where it goes, water remains water, and water will go through anything and everything, around, under, above, through as it is THE way and it remains life giving in all ways, even when they way physically changes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe letting go is giving up.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let GO of what can be let go of, as a point of allowing myself to flow, to open up space as to move and be HERE, more effective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear Letting go of what I can see is not necessary, that I am simply holding onto for the sake of control, the illusion of power and the fear of experiencing myself different.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear different things, to fear different sides of myself, to fear what I do know is suppressed and hidden within me, and know I have been controlling things in the attempt to avoid them, where I see control as the only way, yet knowing I cna take a pen and paper, or a blog and write, forgive myself, investigate the point to remove fear, to allow myself to move forward anew.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to HIDE myself, parts of myself through controlling myself.

......

Day 642 - Haha, I lost my Marbles - The Marble Example

When someone says “they have lost their marbles” it is an indication of they had something collected and then that collectedness is now not there anymore, it is scattered, everywhere. This is usually when someone goes a bit mad, or have an anger fit – I would just say it is when I react, I lose my marbles.

The GOOD thing about losing my marbles in a moment of reaction is, I choose what I want to pick up again after losing them all, and scattering them all over the place, it is a deliberate action from me that is required to now pick up these marbles, so I have now scattered this collection of spheres, spheres of information/characters/personality name it all, each sphere has something within it that I have defined myself as. This is what I am saying the marbles represent and how it is possible to lose it or scatter it because it isn’t real – it isn’t real within the fact that when I get angry or react I can lose them. So, why pick them back up at all?

I had a moment today of reacting, a very deep reaction. A deep reaction is different from an obvious reaction, an obvious reaction is when someone calls me a name and I react to that as an example, a deep reaction is when I react and I just cannot put my finger on it, what am I reacting to within myself, what is it that I am not getting, or seeing within the “external point that is bringing up my inherent point within me through the reaction, so a deep reaction is one that I can’t see in the moment of reaction, the actual reason.

Practical imagination for support

Imagine you are holding ten thousand tiny marbles in your hands, your hands are cupped together and held in front of your chest, you walk around with these marbles every day, these marbles DEFINE you, each and every marble has a word on it, and each word is a definition of who you have defined yourself as, one marble will say Loving, the other will say introvert, then angry, depressed, drunk, addict, dancer, family, mom, dad, I mean the words go on and on, BUT within all these marbles you have a whole bunch that are just emotional and feeling marbles and now all these marbles are all mixed, and you carry it around you all day, you are these marbles and you have to make sure you keep these marbles together or you will lose yourself, if only one goes missing, chaos....

Now imagine as you are walking around with these marbles you bump into people, people bump into you, or certain events/situations occur, these marbles are shaking each and every time in your hands, some might even slip a bit, as if they were almost going to fall out, and you will in a moment react and get it all together somehow quickly, in fear of the unknown.

Then, on some days, these marbles, and carrying these marbles EVERYWHERE with you gets a bit heavy, you feel like just putting them down somewhere and not having to carry them, you know a marbles is heavy, thousands of them are very heavy, and now you can imagine carrying them around within everything you do... what weight that places on you, the efforts, the struggles to not drop them, lose them.

With all this great effort to walk around with these marbles you have invested a LOT of your labour and time in collecting them over years, and now carrying them with you, so the value of these marbles has become very high, they DEFINE you in all ways, they are all very well equipped to support you in your life, your way of living life, it is how you collected your specific marbles over time to be exactly relevant to your life, to build your personality with these marbles.

Sometimes someone will push you, you will drop a marble and you will go fanatic to find it, because to you it now feels like you are losing a piece of you, so you must find it, and this person that pushed you are now to blame, because if they did not do what they did, you would not have dropped this marble and possibly lose it, and you would not have had to go through all the efforts of looking and finding this marble to put it back with all the other marbles, and so you do this so you can feel secure in knowing who you are, who you have defined yourself to be, the weight of the marbles should always be an exact weight you carry around, so you must have them all, you know the weight very well. yet, you didnt have to carry the marbles in the first place, so the person bumping you is simple giving a moment to show you what exist within you, a window to see what is real and what isnt, but we do not see it this way at all yet. (if it is physical abuse taking place, stop that shit, then you take real actions that are best for all)

So, Every night when you go to sleep, you lay down in bed with all these marbles in your hands holding them tight, you think about them, you assess them, as many as possible through thinking and as you start falling asleep your hands start relaxing, your marbles gently roll and fall out of your hands, the weight of the marbles leaves your body, and so for about 6 to 8 hours you can have rest, every night, as the marbles weight isn’t with you anymore. But, each morning when you wake up, the first thing you do is quickly gather all the marbles in fear of if you do not do it fast enough you will not get through the day, not knowing who you are, so you place the weight of the marbles on you as fast as possible, so you can feel secure with this weight on you, within who you are. You get up and go through the day again like every day, with all the marbles accounted for.

Remember, when you were born you had No marbles, but from day one you have been given a hand full of marbles by your parents, a special collection that they have picked for you and that they saw fit for you, this is your basic marbles, from culture to religion and all the way to your name and who they think you are and should be, and they make sure that every day they train you to hold the marbles, they show you and even force you to hold these marbles, you don’t understand, but you trust them unconditionally. By the time you are seven you have taken and made all the marbles yours and who you think and believe you are, you have picked up quite a bit of marbles from all other parts of your life, you can't even remember from where and whom, but you are now an addicted collector in your sector of marbles, and possessed collector, and you will only collect marbles that are in alignment with those first marbles that were given to you and forced onto you, you are now a collector. Good and Bad marbles.

As you get/got older and your collection of tiny marbles has accumulated into thousands, all held in your hands, just fitting between your hands, anything that does not agree with your marble collection cannot fit in there or the marbles will fall out and splatter everywhere, so whenever something or someone comes along that has a totally different marble collection than you and tries to give you some of their marbles, you will either accept or reject, but either way, your marbles are rattling and things do not feel so stable, so you will even fight to stop the other person or even try and prevent them from entering your reality, because you fear losing your marbles, you fear losing it all and not knowing who you are.

The scariest thing for yourself is that you have no clue actually how many marbles you have any more in your hands and what is really in there, you just keep holding onto all of them in the fear of losing one that might be important, or in the fear of, if you try and look through them you can make a mistake and lose them all, so you start avoiding at all costs looking into your marble collection, you even start and try to control your environment and reality to live a certain way that makes sure you only go and DO things that is safe for you to be in to not lose your marbles.

But, this creates a very sensitive reality, a very fragile reality, because within this setup you now believe the whole world is evil and everyone is after you to get your marbles, your special collection, and this creates a paranoid experience within which you live consistently, of losing your marble, which is you fearing losing yourself and who you think you are according to these marbles.

One day, someone comes along, and this someone does something or say something, and as their words and actions represent threir marbles, because everyone is limited to their marbles and what they have, it is like they are trying to force their marbles that does not fit into your collection into your collection, and so with this pushing and shoving you let your grip lose a bit and you drop a couple of marbles, lets imagine you drop a third of all your marbles, and in the fright, the reaction of your marbles being shaken and falling out from this other person, you freak out, you react and you start scattering everywhere to find your marbles in the fear of losing yourself, within this scattering around of finding your marbles you are also trying to now force your marbles onto this other person, to defend yourself, to protect yourself, or even from them stealing the marbles you have now dropped, so at all cost you will go at them, according to what at all cost means in your marble collection and if that marble is even still in there after losing it to use it. This can be in the form of word or actions as the marbles you are using.

After such an event you will find yourself in n interesting position, you will for a moment look at yourself and wonder, who was I just now, losing my marbles really turned me into someone else for a moment, maybe that’s because, within all those hidden marbles of which you have no idea anymore at this point what is in there, something came up that was in there and you just don’t know what it is, but you suppress it as fast as possible, and you have now recollected all your marbles that have fallen, so you are okay, you now know who you are again, you hold on tighter to the marbles and now have added an extra marble, you collected another one that is specific to that event and how to handle it next time, if the unknown marbles does not take over and decide for you again (possession).

So, as we can see, these marbles (characters, personality, feelings, emotions, experiences, thoughts, thinking etc) are not really real, they feel real, you spend a lot of time on them, you designed your whole life around them, you have designed yourself as them, the collection, you have literally decided to hold onto them and make them you for decades, so they must be real, yet when someone pushes you, or gives you a shove, or just do something, you are able to lose grip and lose them, drop them – which means they are not you, as they are able to be lost and you are able to the suddenly become someone else for a moment.

So, what if you decided to one day just relax your hands, hang them down, stop holding onto all these marbles that places so much weight on you as who you believe you must be, how you must be, what you must be, I mean everything, and just breathe and NOT collect marbles, not play in the marble collecting game, who will you be? That is the thing that NO ONE knows, that is the fear, in the end, to remove the conditioning and deciding a clean slate, the unknown.

Losing all your marbles through events is what we call going mad/crazy/insane – someone that suddenly has a breaking point, the weight of their marbles are just too much, drops it immediately in a sudden moment and they go crazy, this is losing your marbles, and this is the instability that exists as a whole for everyone in this world at any time, and this is what death brings, when we die, we cannot take our marbles with us, they stay behind ( our riches stay behind). And as the good old saying goes, as above so below, so we don’t really at all know who we are here except some marbles, so if we die with the marbles in our hands, we won’t know who we are hereafter, so we have an opportunity here, to let go of the marbles in a supportive manner where we can one by one understand the marbles and in its place as we remove it create ourselves, get to really know yourself here without any marbles, and so death does not exist really, or more so the fear of it.

Now, I want you to really consider this. When you go to sleep you let go of all your marbles, that’s how you can sleep, yet where are you when you sleep, when you are not your marbles? Why aren’t you aware of where you are when your body goes to sleep, do you even then exist? Will this not be a great indication of what is in the hereafter if we die, why would it be any different? It is about YOU here, not if the body is dead or alive. You aren’t aware of your body if it is dead or alive when you sleep, it is not in your awareness at all.

So now, taking it back to more practical terms. Have you ever lost your marbles? Has anyone ever made you react and then you become someone else? The first thing you must realize here is that the marbles as who you believe you are, isn’t real at all, even if it feels real, they are just marbles, a collection of stuff that makes up apparently you, that you play with, but not who you are.

So what I do for myself is the following, whenever there is a moment when I feel shaken, when I feel and find that I am within a reaction of anger, love, NAME it all, all emotional states or feeling states, (thoughts/thinking is you accessing the marbles, the spheres of contained information labelled by words for access) so when you CAN"T have a CLEAR mind because you are in an emotional or feeling state, like love or anger, it means you are being shaken and can’t access your collection of marbles to “think” straight. Thus you are possessed. And in these cases I find myself always afterwards looking for all my marbles again, who I am, to feel safe and secure, BUT this is where I stop myself, I see and realize that if I lost marbles here, then they aren’t real, so I rather breathe and let it go completely, and whatever marbles I find myself looking for or did look for in the moment of being shaken, I also breathe and let it go, I realize they are just marbles, not me. I do not have to pay them at all, Stop completely.

This way I start letting go of the weight I carry as who I believe I am, whatever it may be, and in its place, I place breathing and a principle, the principle I live by. If I did find a marble and acted that marble out through throwing it at another or doing something with it towards another that leaves a feeling and emotions of regret/shame or any trace of abuse, I forgive myself and I let that marble go, sometimes there are many of the same marbles and I will go and I will find them and take them out myself, this is through the process of writing myself to freedom and self-forgiveness.

Through this process, I am becoming who I am, by removing and letting go, nothing to add on. What I do is, I place supportive commitment statements that I deliberately place in to live in the marbles place that is always within the principle I live by, which is living what is best for all life.

Every time you see your marbles are being shaken, or falling apart, know that they are just marbles (thoughts, feelings, emotions, rections, experiences, memories etc), not really real, they were made real and kept real, all you have to do is drop the marbles and not participate in anything that comes up in your experience, thoughts/thinking. This leaves you HERE breathing as the directive principle that moves as the physical, real-time within what is best for all life including yourself.

Lose your marbles the right way, dont be LIKE the marbles and lose yourself all over the place, dont carry this weight as the mind as the marbles, be LIFE be the real you. Do it deliberately and with a direction – www.desteni.org

OH no, Coldness is touching me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as just a tiny litte bit of cold air or wind touches my body to immediately want to get a jacket on or something warmer just not to experience the coldness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR shiffering and being cold when and as cold air or wind touches my skin. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike even a little bit of cold ait touching my skin.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that coldness is bad for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that cold air or wind touching my body is a bad sign and thus I want to get warm as fast as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I experience myself as cold then I can get sick or ill, or even not be able to move or do anything properly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that coldness Is something that is against me, that wants to harm me, that wants to put me to sleep or out of action, to not work and be effective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a negative state of mind when and as I experience just a little bit of cold air on my skin or a cold breeze passing by where I then thing, OH no, It I cold, I am not going to be able to move and work outside effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to HATE the physical experience I go into when and as a cold breeze or wind is passing by and touches my skin.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike and have a negative mind set about my fingers and body feeling stiff and cold when and as it I cold, where I think thing and blame the cold for me not being able to effectively use my body or do things, such as typing or working with tools and to within this go into a giving up mode of rather not wanting to do anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see it as too much work to breathe and to relax my body when and as it is cold and I am experiencing myself as cold, to relax my body and to focus on the breathing and to not let my body tense up within the experience of coldness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to JUDGE coldness as BAD and negative based on how I experience myself within the cold, seeing and realizing that cold is here is it an expression of life it isn’t good or bad, it is something I can also enjoy if I drop the brainwashing and conditioning that I as the mind have placed on the cold as a way to attempt to manipulate myself and my environment to get things to be my way.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accept and allowed myself to see and realize fully my responsibility within my experience that happens within me as my thoughts, my emotional state when and as there is cold, and thus how I as my internal experience effects how I as the body experience the cold one and equal, and thus I see and realize that I can actually learn from the cold as the cold exposes ME and different parts of me and what emotional states I exist as hidden, that comes out when it is cold.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just accept the experiences within me when it is cold as it is cold, and to not investigate what is coming up within me that determines my experience within coldness, where coldness has now become this whole thing instead of just cold, and expression of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not challenge who I am within cold and to just run with it a normal, because everyone else seems to also find it normal and have the same and similar experiences and thus mine must be real and true and valid, never challenging every part of ME that comes up and exposes itself with different weather.

I commit myself to check myself and who I am and the experiences I have when and as I am cold.

I commit myself to breathe and to walk through and understand the emotional experiences that comes up when and as I am cold.

I commit myself to challenge the back chat that comes up as my living and behaviour when and as it is cold and to check what is real as ME and what is a design to further control me as the mind energy slave to consciousness where apparently the physical is the problem and causes me to experience myself certain ways within me.