Is Desteni Just a Phase? Process Support Vlog 2016

Day 445 - The Burden, and the Story of True Potential Part 4

Day 442 - The Burden, and the Story of True Potential Part1
Day 443 - The Burden, and the Story of True Potential Part 2
Day 444 - The Burden, and the Story of True Potential Part 3

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Burden myself with the thought I have and not stopping them, to keep them repeating and accumulating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that each time I have a thought that it is accumulating and not just the same one from yesterday, that I am copying the thought and pasting it within my present from the past, and in the end filling up myself with the same thought thousands of times, and to within this everyday experiencing myself the same way. As being burdened with this thought/thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I will everyday have to do with the same Physical reality and that if I create memories of each day and thus thoughts/feelings/emotions, that I will everyday repeat these memories/thoughts/feelings/emotions as I encounter my physical reality, and thus I now have to deal with two realities, one which is internal and then reality that is here, instead of breathing and NOT creating memories/thoughts/feelings/emotions and thus only have to deal with one reality which is here as the physical, thus seeing and realizing how through creating memories of each day within my reality that I will burden myself with having to deal thoughts/feelings/emotions while inevitably dealing with reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compartmentalize my day – where I create a mental Idea of each part of my day that has to come, the same as the day before, and to within this prepare myself mentally for each compartment of my day through repeating certain thinking patterns and thoughts and thus the experiences that comes with from the past experience – and to repeat this every day the same way – where my day is not already lived in my head as the past and thus never living but simply recreating the past and experiencing the past – and thus burden myself with the past while attempting to live today, never reaching that goal, as I am not stopping the thoughts and the thinking and the memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lay out each day for myself as an pre-determined experience – within each part of my day having the same thoughts/feelings/emotions as the day before, and to within this just repeat and repeat till I feel stuck and unable to change anything, not as what I do per say but as how I experience myself within what I do, which is also part of why I am doing what I am doing or how I am doing it, because its already been determined and with that comes what I belief I can and cannot do within this experience, while it’s the other way around, I can do what Is here regardless of the experience as the experience in fact determines nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the past n each day within each part of my day living a different past through accepting and allowing myself to have the thoughts and to then follow through with them and the experiences that come along.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that everyday cannot be different, or simply new within how I experience myself and thus in fear take the past where I have already had the experiences and thus the memories and us them to determine the next days to come to be the same, because I have survived, I have lived through those days so I belief that I can use those days to prepare and to make me ready for the next exact days to come, such as making every Monday the same by using a particular Monday from the past to project onto every Monday and to live that out as a way of securing myself, when all I am doing is, I am burdening myself every Monday with the previous Mondays thoughts and feelings/emotions and just keep repeating the same pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self-movement as my self-responsibility to move myself every day in every breathe through giving that responsibility to the patterns that I have created for myself and have repeated over and over time and to within this trust these patterns as the best for ME, just because I have used them and I have survived so I pressed the automatic button and now run every day on automatic mode just to get through the days, and thus burdening myself with the same patterns as the thoughts/feelings/emotions as the mechanics of keeping the pattern alive which is instigated within the behaviour within the certain environments.

Day 444 – The Burden, and the Story of True Potential Part 3

Day 442 – The Burden, and the Story of True Potential Part1

Day 443 – The Burden, and the Story of True Potential Part2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry the past as the thoughts I have with me at all times, believing that the thoughts as the past is who I am.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the thoughts as the past I carry with me from moment to moment is only me if I accept and allow them to be me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to burden myself with carry the thoughts from yesterday into today in each moment and to do the same for the next day before the next day is even here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the past and the future through participating within thoughts/back-chat at all times which is a creation of the past within certain moments that is now consistently being projected into the future and lived in the present, never really living HERE in each breathe as I trap myself in the cycles/patterns of thoughts I have made myself accustomed to – for the purpose of survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within survival mode the whole time through burdening myself with the past as the thoughts/back-chat I entertain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the MIND as energy as personalities/characters wants to survive, and for the mind to survive the mind needs the physical body, and thus the mind will trap the body in cycles/patterns that is of limitation, within the purpose of keeping the body limited within its capabilities as the physical so that the body can live linger simply for the mind to MINE is for a longer period of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fight for my limitations – which in return becomes my burden, because when I am fighting for my limitations everything else I have to do becomes a struggle, it becomes a extra thing I have to do that I don’t FEEL like doing, that I don’t LIKE doing, and thus when I have to do it regardless it is seen as a Burden within me, which in return creates a lot of back chat and thoughts that now argues and go against what I am doing, what needs to be done, and thus the point of responsibility becomes a burden within my mind, when the facts are it’s only the mind that’s the burden because in reality as the physical, the body can do it, the body isn’t seeing it as what it likes or dislikes doing, the body does what it practically can do or cant, and that’s the point that isn’t walked and thus only the mind as the thoughts/back-chat is walked and in the process the body is carrying the mind, whipping it the whole time saying NO, you are my slave, you shall not do this, you do not want to do this, you are too weak, you are to stupid, you are incapable, you are inferior, and since I gave the mind permission to do this the body listens, the body obeys, and carry the burden I place upon it, as I am the one in charge, the being that has this one opportunity to walk in the body with the mind to take self-responsibility as both and to stand one and equal as both and to direct both one and equal in each breathe, but cannot because I, the one in charge has fallen a slave to my own mind instead of being the director.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to torture my own body through submitting to the mind as the thoughts/back-chat I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself and my body and my mind through not standing as the director as the one in charge and to just let them BELIEVE what they must do, and thus just letting the mind and the body play along, while I stand Idle and feel bad, or feel like I am carrying a burden.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I as the being must stand one and equal as the mind and the body and merge them as one as me and to rebirth myself as all that is here within and as me as one and equal and to walk as the director, as the Authority and to be the one who decides and not leave it up to the mind to decide and to be something separate of me, and the body to just submit and me just accepting and allowing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my mind and my body as being something that isn’t me, and thus they can do as they please and I will try and do as I need to, seeing and realizing that such a relationship of separation with myself isn’t healthy not effective.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that through separating myself from my mind and my body – that I have created a relationship of me having to deal with the mind and then the body and them myself, where I have now made it a burden to deal with the mind and the body as I have separated myself from the mind/body, not seeing and realizing that I am the mind and body and that I just move the mind and body as me, and thus it’s not a burden as me having to take care of two other things within me, it me taking care of me.

Day 443 - The Burden, and the story of True Potential Part 2

Day 442 - The Burden,and the story of True Potential Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Burden myself with the thoughts I have in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that there will never be consequences for participating within the same daily thoughts/back-chat and that it is totally fine to just have them over and over again, and to keep on following the thoughts and to then later on say nothing is changing and just making everything in my reality a burden, when I am the one quite obviously creating it, living in the evil cycle of thoughts, in the spider web of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the only burden I carry is the one I am filling with stuff every day, which is the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I change my thoughts that things will change, seeing and realizing that a thought is a thought and it does not matter what it is, it’s the same things, and thus the burden in itself is thoughts that I participate within, and the more thoughts I participate within and entertain the more my head is being filled, and the more the burden becomes, as the mind works like a filing system, if I file the same thoughts every day, I will only find the same file everyday as that’s all the file cabinet will be filled with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to burden myself with reoccurring thoughts through daily entertaining these thoughts as real, as something that I must participate within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automate the same thoughts for me to have every day every time I enter a certain environment with certain people and with certain thoughts, as I know I will daily enter these factors and yet I blindly set up the same thoughts/back-chat for myself to have to have the exact same play out to take place and thus the exact same things to keep on happening, and thus create Burden for myself through not stopping , not checking what it is I am actually doing and to change through not participating within thoughts/back-chat and to rather focus on breathing and directing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the reoccurring thoughts is here for a reason and thus I must entertain them and give them my time and attention, seeing and realizing how following this pattern becomes the burden.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow this pattern of everyday burdening myself with the same reoccurring thoughts within the belief that it is all there is, and all there can be, and that if I change this pattern and do not have these reoccurring thoughts that I will not know what to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on reoccurring thoughts to be my direction within what I do and how I do things, thus I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that this is what becomes my burden that I carry with me all the time, the thoughts I have with the back chat backing them up and then me making it real.

So what occurs most in my head? As thoughts or back chat or both.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought of “not getting to do the things I would like to do” when I have to give time to other things in my reality, and to within this have the back chat of, “I do not have enough time to do what is required” as a way of not doing what needs to be done to the fullest so that I can skip on that and get to spending the remaining time on things I rather want to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the thought of “ seeing myself not getting to the things I would like to do” reoccur within my mind, where I not do everything else before me half assed to just get it out of the way and to then get to what I want to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the back chat of “ I don’t have enough time to do what is required” reoccur within my mind multiple times a day – where what I am currently doing then becomes a burden because I am in my mind doing something that I don’t have enough time to do, yet I am doing it just to do it so that I can say look I have tried and to then go on with what I wanted to do, for which there is more than enough time all of the sudden.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the thought of “seeing myself failing within what I am busy doing” reoccur within my mind in the back ground, and to within this have the back chat of “I am going to fail within this anyway, so I might as well just rush it and get to what I want to do” reoccur within my mind, NOT seeing and realizing how this is just existing within my mind on a daily basis and where I am creating these points for myself, and through accepting and allowing this thought and the back chat to reoccur within my mind, I am burdening myself with the thoughts/back chat and what I play out as the patterns from having them, accepting and allowing them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain the thought of “ seeing myself failing within what I am busy doing” within my head and to create anxiety/fear within myself in relation to what I am busy doing, where I then play out the same pattern over and over and later on just don’t see the point in what I am doing, and then start thinking about what I could have been doing, or what I wish I could have been doing – where I am now splitting myself into two worlds, the reality and the mind, and thus I make the reality a burden and the mind something I am chasing, instead of focusing on what’s here and changing what’s here to something else, through stopping the thoughts/back chat and thus my participation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to burden myself with thoughts and feeling/emotions through spending time within the mind thinking and judging myself and others, instead of spending my time breathing and moving myself within the physical and what’s here within considering all practical points at all time, to live HERE and do my best with what’s here.

Day 442 – the Burden, and the story of True Potential Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my own true potential from myself through hiding behind characters that support unhealthy patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear revealing my true potential through the Idea/belief I have created towards it, where I have the idea/belief that if I live as my true potential that I will have more burdens to carry, seeing and realizing that the burdens I have created in my head in relation towards standing as my true potential is but only in my head, as I haven’t even gone there to the true potential, so how do I know, why do I hold myself back in assumption.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that if I stand/live as my true potential that I will have more burdens to carry, as I have seen living up to my true potential I will take on more responsibilities, and thus I see and realize that I have defined responsibilities in a negative way for myself where I see it as a burden, instead of a privilege, an honor.
 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a negative emotion to the word responsibilities and to within this define the word responsibilities for myself as a limitation and thus living responsibilities as a limitation as a burden, where I always approach any point of responsibility with a feeling of being burdened – seeing and realizing that this is a self-created point within the mind, because when I open up the dictionary I don’t see the word Burden come up, or any negative expression, thus exposing to me how I have participated within the mind adding my own meanings to the word as I see it fit to fit only my own self-interest and thus fighting for my limitations, to never wanting to take on responsibilities unless they are forced onto me and then make it a burden for myself, where I will use this “burden” then to manipulate people and to make people feel sorry for me and to pity me and to look up to me for taking on this burden where no one else did.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to investigate the word responsibilities for myself and what I am living as this word, and to see for myself why I am not moving and directing myself effectively within my true potential to where I can take on responsibilities yet I am not as I don’t want to be burdened according to my own made up definition, and to thus force more responsibilities onto others and waiting till they can’t take on more and I am then in the position of becoming a “hero” where the responsibilities are now forced onto me – and thus I am taking on this burden that others could not have handled, Yet I was a direct creator within such a manifestation because I waited, I sat aside till the others became overburdened and then only will I take on some of the Burden and make it all seem special, as if I gave up my life to do this now for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Play a game within life, where I believe I have free choice and that I can just sit by and look at how others are doing all the hard work, and how others are advancing and how others are reaching their true potentials, and that it just isn’t for me, it’s my choice, so I might as well do nothing and pretend to be busy – and then when the others are overburdened because of my lack of participation, I will not sacrifice my free choice and move myself, direct myself I will not give up my life/time to handle what they could not and take on these burdens, these responsibilities, I will wait till its forced upon me, so that I can play a game, a game where I am seen as special, where I am taking on burdens they could not, where I am sacrificing myself for them, just to get attention, and to only move myself once I am burdened, once I am someone not nice to work with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a selfish bastard that does nothing with my true potential, that only sits by and wait till the pressure is too high for others to handle, and to then have the nerve to make everyone else feel bad when they ask me to take on some of the work load, and to then take it on in such a way that I make it look like they just gave me a burden to carry, to live, and to live in such a way that every day I pretend to suffer and to be tired and to be under a lot of pressure of what OTHERS have asked of me to do, not seeing and realizing that all of this is self-created and that due to my lack of self will and self-movement/participation and hiding behind free choice, I have overburdened others and to such an extent that they had no choice but to ask me to do something, and the fact that they could ask me meant they saw I was not doing that much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mentally abuse myself daily with the deliberate intent to always LOOK tired as to show others how overburdened I am right now, how much work I have done now – and to do this in such a manipulative way where the hidden intention is to seek attention, where the attention is gained through making it seem like I am carrying the burden FOR them and not myself like I am doing everyone a favor, not seeing and realizing that I am simply abusing myself and making what I am doing much more difficult for myself, and never moving for myself as myself and pushing myself as far as I can go to where I stop carrying burdens that I have related to responsibilities – to a point where I am living and expressing myself and making the best for the responsibilities to be effective and to not be tired and mentally exhausted just to keep up the game of obtaining energy from others.

To be continued.

Day 366 - a Schedule for Time Management.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist putting up a schedule on how to spend my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that creating a schedule is a form of limitation, seeing and realizing that creating a schedule is a way of expanding self to do more, and to breathe more and to be here in and as the physical, as a schedule will challenge actual self-movement to do things that needs to be done over the brainwashing that moves oneself all the other times as how one feels, and thus a schedule is a support to become physical movement and to not be moved by brainwashing/limitations of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Believe that schedules does not work as it determines on me actually doing it, and if I do not keep to the schedule then it is useless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am incapable of following a schedule on a daily basis because of past experiences of schedules never working out as things always change. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a schedule is a MUST do all the time, instead of seeing and realizing that a schedule is a guideline that I can follow, to not waste time, and that when and as things do maybe change then it is flexible, but that it is always to go back to the schedule and follow through and to not ignore it just because one things on the schedule did not work out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist creating a schedule for myself because I judge it as telling myself that I am ineffective because I am reliant on a schedule, seeing and realizing that it is because of my effectiveness that I am creating a schedule and thus being effective within such an action, and to not make a schedule I am actually being ineffective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that schedules are for losers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that schedules are for people with no will power, seeing and realizing that it takes will power and courage to create a schedule and to stick to one as possible as one can.

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to fear that once I have a schedule that I will have no time to waste around on doing nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having any time when and as I will be following a schedule all the time to use my time instead of just having the time to do nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create future projections of what it will be having a schedule.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about making a schedule instead of making a schedule.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit and think about making a schedule and within that make assumption and ideas and opinions and beliefs about schedules instead of making one and doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT discipline myself within moving myself within effectiveness and what I can actually do once I have a schedule.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that once I have a schedule that i will not have time to waste in my mind thinking and instead I will be busy and doing things all the time that is productive.

I commit myself to create a schedule tomorrow and to start with my schedule tomorrow and to follow through on the schedule tomorrow and to not thing about it and to not postpone it and to stop the thoughts and back chat about it and to actually walk a schedule for myself to bring self-discipline, where the mind does not decide for me what to do as I feel, but where I move as the physical do what is next and to get it done.

I commit myself to when and as I get home from work tomorrow to go to my room and to sit down and to create a schedule that works within the time that I have and within placing all the things on the schedule that matters.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am going into postponement or resistance of creating a schedule to stop and to breathe and to stand up and to move myself and to do what need to be done.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am overloading myself within my schedule to start off with all the basic things first that I usually always do and then to add what else I can fit in within the time available that is practical and the common sense thing to do within my process within my self-honesty.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am not keeping to my schedule to sit down and to write and to see where it is that I am giving into the mind and to thoughts and to stop and delete the shit, the brainwashing as it will show me when I am unable to do the schedule that I am clearly in the mind as brainwashing and pre-programming, because It is moving and directing me according to feelings/emotions/thoughts instead of me moving as breathe as the physical.

Day 340 - Authority complex Part 1

Why do I make every person in my Life the authority of me, let me answer my own question for myself.

As I was writing out that sentence another sentence popped up in my head, like the little naughty me saying “ because then I can manipulate people to like me, giving them power over me and then use that power once they like me to manipulate them into what I want.

Ok that came out quite clear lol, just like that, self-honesty in a moment, being honest with myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Give authority to others over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to have authority over me because I have learned as a child when I do that it makes the other person almost immediately likening me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use authority as a weapon to manipulate others into liking me, because I gave them a position of power.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the weakness of others as their cravings for power as authority against them through giving them authority over me deliberately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that I can always get away with it, not seeing and realizing that if I keep on doing this I will one day get stuck in such a position and there might be no way out .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see that if I give another human being authority over me within the attempt to later on use that power and turn it against the other being as helping me/being kind to me, doing something for me, being my friend at the cost of having to be a slave for the other person that someday I might do it to the wrong person and then I might be a slave to the position for real and no way out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the consequences of submitting myself to everyone in my world just to be accepted and to be liked and the long term consequences of that that I will never have and develop self-respect and self-honor as all my actions is of self-diminishment just for the purpose of being liked and to be accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into believing that when and as I give others authority over me that I can use that to turn the power against them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose self-respect for myself because I never took the position of authority over myself but instead give it away to others to use me and to abuse me and to within that make myself believe that after all the use and abuse it will somehow pay off as I was a good boy, and therefore good boys get rewards, seeing and realizing that once the other person has become comfortable within having authority over me that it will not stop unless I stop it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT develop self-honor for myself for standing as my own authority and directing and moving myself and to not do everything I do just to be liked/accepted but because I see within self-honesty that it needs to be done or said even if someone else do not like it and that I might be dislike, but at least I will have my self-honor for who I am and doing what is best for all life.

To be continued.

Day 262 – The Pattern of Who I Am Every Day Part 10

Day 262 – The Pattern of Who I Am Every Day Part 10

“Every day I assume a Character that I expect everyone wants to see of me, I assume that this is the only character that is acceptable by everyone around me”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume a character everyday out of the believe that I have to or I will Die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Believe that I have to assume a character everyday just to get around and survive the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Assume any and all characters necessary to survive the day, even if it means losing myself and my integrity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself To believe that I need to assume a character in order to live Life, not seeing and realizing that I can live Life anyway without characters/masks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself o go into characters that I created deliberately as a response to what I fear in live to hide the fear or to attempt to avoid the fear, never facing my fear within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create characters that I believe others want to see me as everyday that I play and pretend to be just to not to have to face points I fear from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that the characters/masks I wear play every day is for others, seeing and realizing that I put them on for myself to hide my insecurities/fears/judgments and everything about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear NOT going into character and playing the roles with the masks as I fear what might or might not happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what Might or might not happen when and as I do or do not play the characters I have made myself believe that others want to see me as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Live my Life according to what I fear or do not fear and to within this create characters/masks that I enslave myself to as a personality that is addicted to energy as thoughts/feelings/emotions to move and direct me and my life accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I have enslaved myself to the characters that I play every day as a personality suite that I wear as the WHO I AM everyday around people or even alone just to be save and to preserve my own self interest of fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that Who I Am as my personality that consists of many characters I play s a creation of and as fear and thue when and as I accept and allow myself to defend and define myself according to who I am currently that I am actually saying I am FEAR.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide in dishonesty towards myself as who I believe I have to be as the characters I play every day in front of everyone and or in different situations as I believe that it is what keeps me save and protected and that it is the only way, not seeing and realizing that I am actually just locking/enslaving myself to and as Fear as the mind as the thoughts/feelings/emotions I have created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can not change who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i must play the roles that I have played for so long everyday even if it compromises me and my world and everyone within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I can create who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear creating myself and to believe that it is wrong to change myself in the eyes of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing myself in the believe that the changes I have to make will weaken me and make my stand within this world weaker and that I will not be able to survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing who I am to that which is best for all in always in absolute certainty as myself within the fear that I might lose my ability to survive within this world, not seeing and realize than my change then is not what is best for all life but just a compromise and thus I am not yet self honest with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist and live as survival within all and any character I play and that all of Who I Am currently as my personality no matter how positive or negative it is, is all in the name of survival and fear.

To be Continued.

Day 261 – The Pattern of Who I Am Part 9

Continuing from Part 1 till here and more.

Taking the Parts from Part 1 to 3 and applying Self Forgiveness on them one at a time, each point.

Today’s Point: “see how I have used the back chat within my mind as a way to reason and make it all seem so True and real and that it is so tempting to just use that as a weapon to burst out at someone when they ask me to do something for them, so that they can feel bad and shit”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate/use back chat within my mind in secret to reason with myself as a way to create reason/opinions that I can use towards/against others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a evil professor sitting in the back of my head talking to myself and making options and poisons up inside my head as the backchat and the gossip and the thinking as weapons to attack and harm and WIN against others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the secret mind as back chat where I sit in the dark in my head by myself talking to myself and having conversations with myself where I actually argue and reason with myself and even play scenarios where I win against myself as a way to test my secret weapons I am creating with the words I use and place as a way to win even if it means I have to use nuclear words against others as any means to win.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I participate within back chat and gossip within my mind where I am all by myself that I am actually having no cross-reference at all what so ever and that such bullshit can never be trusted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when and as I reason with myself within my mind where I pretend in my mind that it is actually reasoning, LOL seeing and realizing that it is just me fucking with myself as reasoning requires two people talking for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that any kind/type of reason I come to within my mind is actually valid, as the reason I create within my mind with myself cannot be reasoning as it was created from me talking to myself??? Mental problem it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the difference between any “normal” person and a mentally ill person is that the mentally ill person simply say what’s in their head out loud and thus they are actually more honest then any normal person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can reason and create reasoning skills and create “new” reasoning skills within my mind talking to myself in secret where I will play out scenarios where I always win arguments and fights and so forth as a way to prepare myself for the real thing, not seeing and realizing that this is always in my disadvantage as it always gives me a false everything of reality as it was/is constructed within a alternate reality that is of energy and fuzzy logic and not the facts in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accept and allowed myself to have back chat when and as someone asks me to do something for them and to within this back chat always first defend my limitations and to then quickly look for ways to fight with my words to Win even if it means I limit myself and enslave myself to the limitations of the minds reasoning of weird logic based on self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I react when someone asks me to do something for them to Immediately create of bring up the “reasoning” I prepared within my mind as a weapon to attack someone that I deliberately tested and tried within my mind to see if it will hurt the other person or make them feel shit/bad and like crap for asking just to feel that I have a sense of power back where I am not a slave that simply do what I am asked and to feel that I have no authority to decide if I will do what I am asked or not, not seeing and realizing that I am abusing other people and myself and that in fact all that is required of me in situations such as this is for me to breathe and to consider what is here in and as the physical and make a decision of yes or no accordingly and do it or not or arrange other time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the evil within me that I have created myself as when and as I sit by myself back-chatting gossiping by myself where I deliberately test and try out reasoning skills towards/about/against another being to deliberately with the intention to harm them when and as I use the reasoning I create within my mind just to win or have some sick self interest feeling/emotion to be fulfilled as energy rush of winning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately want to make others feel shit/bad just for asking me a simple things such as doing something for them just because I have some personal issues I have to sort out within myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be bad to create myself as, as it all exist within me all the time and thus I am always responsible and cannot take it out on others or myself but that I must forgive myself and see what I am doing in the moment and to breathe and to then take a deep breath and decide based on the principal of what is best for all in all ways.

To be continued