When I think about what others think about me Day 657

When we THINK about what OTHERS are thinking about US, we must realize the obvious within such a moment, we are in fact thinking it about ourselves what we think others think about us, as it is happening in our heads.

For a long time in my life, and even still today, I had the thought and a consistent perception within ME that others see me, and think of me, not so clever, bright/smart.

I used to apply self-forgiveness in a way that validated MY thinking, where I would say I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by what others think of me" - this is in fact BLAME and revealed how little I understood.

How in the first place do I know what others are thinking of me in their minds? I am not a mind reader, I can not see thoughts, and how important do I think I am that if I could see peoples thoughts, that their thoughts would be about me all the time?

Secondly, When I look at it for real, I am the one thinking about myself all the time, thinking and thinking, about myself, and I am the one thinking about how stupid/dumb I am, as I am the one constantly in my mind comparing myself to others, making myself MORE than others as to hide the comparison that I see myself as LESS than.

Thus, my self-forgiveness (when I catch myself in such thoughts of what others are thinking about me) should be - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am dumb/stupid - this way taking it back to myself, and as you can see, a LOT more opens up for me to work through and actually move forward within my process as myself.

I write this #backtoself as a reminder for myself and others that when we have thoughts about others when we think what others are thinking about us, we must realize the obvious, it is happening within us, and it is US and we must take responsibility accordingly.

Idea versus Ideal Day 602 – Day 5 of 21

I have so many ideas during my everyday living – my ideas are always inspired for world change, how I as an individual can start something, make it big and make it happen. I write down many of my ideas and some I post on social networks, where they get some feedback. I appreciate any and all feedback.

Ideas come and go, this is what I have seen for myself, and sometimes I act on these ideas, to physically practically check it out. These Ideas I act on are usually small things that are possible right now, so it is easy and I have feedback quit quickly and can thus change my idea and test it out again.

One of the Key points I have realized within acting on small ideas is to take and idea and to mold and shape that idea into an Ideal, not an Idol, then we will have a problem.

I always align my ideas that are BIG to group activity and efforts, and always in alignment with the principles I live by to benefit and support and assist all those equally that I can currently reach and that stand equally as me. As I know it will only then spread out more and more.

The problem I face is a Fear, where I get an Idea that isn’t something that can be done right here and now, it is something that requires time and effort, to set the IDEAL of the idea already in the planning without having the opportunity first to just test it and then correct it. Because any BIG Idea that goes public effects that idea and how that idea is manifested, so a second chance is very hard after that, an unfortunate consequence of living in a system where there are winners and losers.

I have been in the process of bringing a BIG Idea to live, to manifest it, it is taking time, the planning, the research and all the practical points that is required to be in place before even exposing or revealing this idea to not have any assumptions already made, and that is of course part of and in alignment with my process and living and standing as a Destonian and the Desteni Principles and group. As the group always comes first.

So the point I am facing is the fear of the unknown of not having that space and time to take a BIG idea and first check it out, I must basically give it one shot and that will be it for this one particular idea, and even if the idea fails, it will not mean it was a bad one, it can simply mean that I have missed a few points, and thus the Ideal isn’t met.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking a BIG idea and to follow through with it into manifestation and that it might not work and where the reasons will be that of missing small points within the Ideal outflow I wanted and saw within the Idea.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear making BIG mistakes and who I will be within that miss take, where I can already see myself getting back up and starting over, yet I fear having to go through the whole process again just because of missing a few points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to rush into manifesting my big idea as soon as possible just to find out if it will work or not, and to within this miss the IDEAL and what I must practically consider within the Idea as to as much as possible ensure that the Ideal of the Idea is to manifest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to flood my passion and vision and Idea with too much unnecessary information within a fear as a paranoia of messing it up and to within this take the idea and making it into a typical sales pitch and missing the passion completely of where the Idea comes from as a self-directed and creative movement within me that isn’t of knowledge and information but a physical movement of living and manifesting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going BIG and Viral.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what will happen if my BIG idea actually manifest and how much of a difference it will be from what I saw within me and my mind versus reality as I had no time to first check and assess as what I do with small ideas on a daily living scale.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distrust myself within listening to the mind as knowledge and information as comparison where I compare myself as less than those that has made big ideas come true and were able to be flexible and moveable to adjust and make it happen, and that I am not the same, yet I know within me as my expression that I am, I can I am capable, I must simply take the lead/jump after preparation and cross reference with others and to know that in breath I am okay, I am here, I am doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the voices in my head of what other people will say and think about my crazy ideas and that it will not be possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR my response to others when and if they might have negative responses towards me and my crazy ideas and that I might just get more crazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect everyone to just go with it and make it happen and then it will work, yet seeing and realizing the mind as I am facing it now will be equal within everyone else and thus as I face my point I will be able to support and assist others to also see that what seems crazy and impossible and even radical is simply pre-programming holding us back from breaking through our fears. And as long as what we are doing is within self-honesty one and equal to our expression sanding within such a point will be natural and not a fighting and reactive process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT believe in myself and my potential within me for creating change and effecting this world for a better world that is best for all life. And to within this hold back so much and so many times in fear, in self-judgement, in insecurities and so much mind shit that I have never even given myself a chance to stand up and show my head in the crowds for something different, something that will NOT immediately been smiled upon, yet if I stand as me as my expression in passion and obsolete principle of what’s best for all life, I will be guided one and equal and bear the fruits one and equal.

To end it off – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make this WAY bigger than what it is within my mind, as the mind tend to already place oneself in the Famous seat in the spotlight, which is a false idea and not and Ideal way to approach anything in expectations, Be here in breathe moving direct within physical reality and no illusions.

Day 474 - Insecurity and Part of my Story Part 2

continuing from day 473 - insecurity and part of my story part 1

In my previous blog I gave a brief example of how I have come to realize my insecurity within me through certain events happening within my environment.

Now I want to touch on the point of what is here with me now as insecurity. Something off topic that I would like to share as well.

When we accept and allow any feeling/emotion or experience within as true and valid, we don’t just accept and allow that feeling/emotion or experience as just that, we are in that moment accepting and allowing ourselves to not literally shape and create ourselves and our reality according to that acceptances and allowance.

So looking at insecurity I can see within myself and within my reality how I have Limited myself to quite an extend within what I do, how I live, what I am willing to do and how I have through the acceptance and allowance of the insecurity to literally create my life.

I am going to share a few general points that one can maybe relate to to see how this effects one’s life within accepting and allowing any feeling/emotion or experience to be taken as real and valid and given power.

From my past decisions I had to make in life I made them from a point of first accessing myself, if I like a certain girl or sport or hobby or friend for example in school, I will first access myself and then see if I am a fit within myself for the topic, the assessment that I make is bias as it is based on personal self-created opinions I have about myself, of which one of the influences of decision making will be insecurity, am I insecure or not.

Now what within one’s own mind determines the insecurities? How did the insecurities end up in there, how were they determined, what made them real within one’s own mind.

This is what I want to explore and get to, why am I insecure within certain parts of my life, in fact the most important parts of life.

When I look self –honestly at how and why I am insecure within certain parts of my life I can see the word comparison – for me to be insecure I had to have something outside of myself that influenced me which I then accepted and allowed obviously to be the influence, and then I used that comparison.
Lets take sport for example – I see hundreds of other kids doing sports, I now compare myself to how they are doing it and how I am doing it, within this I then create a comparison where I scale myself, either low medium or high, and if its in the low I will be insecure about the certain sport and doing it – thus make a decision to not do it, even if the point of the sport is for fun and not always winning. Thus limiting my life to what I can and can not do, and thus really making life decisions in that instance that effect my entire life just within the sporting region.

If I look at girls within my schooling years – how come I was insecure around girls and thus shy to ask them out or to just be with them, because there was always a few boys who seemed to dame comfortable – and they usually had money and things and status just by the family they come from, or it could be the other way around, a poor guy that has a lot of confidence because he has nothing to lose for example so he takes the chances.

So I had many instance to compare and to in the moment judge myself and to then decide within myself – am I going to be insecure or confident and do it.

I usually chose insecure at this age, later on it changed. But it changed in a deceptive way.

I will expand on the relationship point a bit more because it is such a big point in this world. I never went for the girls I liked – because I liked them from afar lol – and in my mind I always liked the pretty girls with a good status in school, suppose it’s like that for many. So in my mind the girl is everything I am not, because it’s all judgments and comparisons within my mind based on assumption, contact never happened.

So I will just spy and look and become a Intel guy, finding everything out I can about the girl, to compare myself even more and more, to make sure that what I fear is true, that she is too good for me. Deliberately creating the insecurity through, to use the insecurity to never act, I am just not confident, the other guys can do it, just look at them, they just know how to, the girls just like them naturally, I feel like I have to work for it and prove it, it isn’t naturally me as it seems like to be for the other guys.

So I create this entire mind job for myself, where all my Intel and information is literally just gathered from observation and then speaking to myself within my own mind – well that’s pretty stupid isnt it, because my own perspective on things is really limited, I can only give myself perspective as far as my own knowledge and information go, which is dame limited – yet that’s also not the point, why speculate and compare in one’s own mind when it would take five minutes to face reality and find out for real the facts – see that’s the point I feared.

Because reality isn’t just reality – it comes with me facing my internal reality as well, it comes with facing what’s happening within me while I am physically facing the point – like actually talking to the girl, so much back chat on what could happen, what if, should I or should I not, it is intense inside, yet if the internal shit did not exist I do see how it would be completely different, this is what I realized later on the other guys have already realized, but through their parents. Because each house hold is different a lot of boys already at a young age interacted with girls through social events, families and their friends, I never got that, yet this could have also just happened at the social event.
To be continued.

Day 473 - Insecurity and part of my story Part 1

I have been insecure all my life, people would not say that about me from observing me, in fact people would say I am the opposite, yet that is exactly why there are insecurities.

Let me explain: I started out my life as quite an alone child, not lonely, just alone, I grew up in a small town with a very low population, below a thousand. This meant there weren’t many children to play with or other people to interact with. So I learned to entertain myself and to be comfortable with myself and my expression being mostly alone with myself.

So after many years of establishing this relationship with myself of being a loner, and being confident being alone with myself, I now had another problem which only came up after I moved from the small town to a city, or to add the new perspective, the city had a problem with my behavior and my loner confidence, it was different and not really appealing to others.

In the city after thirteen years of growing up in a very quiet town with if memory serves me right, five other kids in the entire town that I could find in thirteen years’ time, all of different ages, I was suddenly surrounded by thousands of other people daily, the streets were packed with people, there were shops and malls and cars driving all the time, even at night one can hear the cars driving.

So I would start out in my new home with what I know best, to hit the streets with my bicycle and to explore the surrounding areas, I discovered that I was able to drive to shops and to malls, and just park my bicycle somewhere and go into the mall and walk around. This was exciting and new, I saw myself having twice as much as fun because of the amount of activities that are now available. But I did not consider a few points.

It seems that in the cities people roam around in groups, I would guess it is for protection, I would assume the protection is from other groups, I did not quite get it, because thus far all my life I have been roaming around all alone and never needed a group with me.

Sure the groups had fun together but that was a disguise – not by assumption from my side, but from experience, as I was driving my bicycle the first day around the new town/city, I was stopped twice by groups of kids. The first group was three boys, slightly older than me on their own bicycles, they stopped me through ramming one of their bicycles into my front wheel, then the one boy asked me what are you going to do about it, I said sorry, he laughed and the other two said you better be sorry, and they circled me a few times with their bicycles as to prevent me from having mobility. They left and I started paddling the opposite way as I was unsure what they will do next if they still see me within their range.

The second time was on my way back home, as I stopped at a shop to get something to drink I encountered two other guys, I wanted to get onto my bicycle, but I was called out by one of the guys, as I looked back he asked me if I have something for him, I said no I just have this, and I continued to get onto my bicycle. I started moving faster as they did not leave me alone and kept behind me, and then one said, we will be waiting here for you till next time.

I got home and my first impression was, I am in danger here – I felt insecure suddenly, NOT save, not secure.

The point I want to make here is, the insecurity did not come from the guys that I encountered, it was already within me, because I have never dealt with such points or trained on dealing within such point or made aware that such point exist, it was all new to me, it was quite intense in some moments.

So at home I realized that for myself to survive living in this town/city I have to make some adjustment to myself – BUT what??

I realized on day one, the way I dressed was not the same as how the city kids dress, I dressed completely different – I dressed in a way that I was comfortable within and not within how I look, because in my old town, no one gave a shit and everyone just relaxed and dressed what is comfortable – so I have to change my dress code to fit in and not look like a “loser”.

Also the way the kids were sounding in speaking and how they spoke was completely different, they had no respect or common decency for one another, swearing left and right and using a “bad word with every third word they use, Fuck this Fuck that motherfucker, cunt, bitch etc etc, with each other never mind with me a stranger.

So I had to now practice using swearing words and how to incorporate them into my vocabulary and grammar.

Then the third and not last point, I needed to get a group, I need friends in this town to drive around with, otherwise I am a target for nasty people to have fun with, which at that moment seemed like every young kid, asking myself, what is the parents like then, because from my upbringing I assumed that the kids are the reflection of the parents and how they train us, does not matter if the kids are with or without the parents, it’s who you are.

So here I started my Journey of creating and sustaining insecurities that till today govern my live in certain aspects as I require to be insecure to consistently remind me of what I must watch out for and fear so that I can counter act the insecurities with an appropriate behavior that will make me feel secure and “seem secure.

But through my process with Desteni I have come to look at insecurities in a different way, see I made it all about changing my outer and my actions, instead of look at what has the moment that presented themselves to me like with the two groups of boys/men, that I had to change within me, inside of me with integrity and to stand.

Because changing my actions first from a fear point as insecurities I will have consequences that is fear, not a correction of equality and oneness that is in synchronicity with me and what is here as best for all including myself obviously that what best for all mean but including all as me.

The consequences of this is me trapping myself into a mind fuck for eternity never finding myself but always pretending and being something that is expected and what is energy bases, which in the long run drains one and makes one feel and be exhausted as it’s a front being kept up, because self-inside has never changed, the insecurity is and has always been there, never really been dealt with but just hidden.

So I am looking at it now where as insecurity is an opportunity, if we take the word insecurity we can see the following – IN SEE CURE – to see inside self in the moment of feeling insecure is also the cure for the moment – insecure is simply a moment where a weakness inside self in exposed, the weakness can be that the insecurity is a delusion/illusion or it’s a mind fuck or it is because of a point self hasn’t faced or walked through, but it is to SEE inside oneself what it is, self-honesty is required with common sense in the moment, rational thought that is based on the mathematical equation of one plus one equals two and to see the moment, how could the moment have been different and who one must be as someone that is living what is best for all, to stop this world from living in an insecure state of each other and to live secure among each other through each human being a self-honest and self-responsible person for through own thoughts and feelings and emotions and to not play the nasty bullshit out on each other where we leach on insecure people by creating insecure humans.

This is not done – to be continued, On the story and the insights.

Day 371 - Care about what others think and you will always be their prisoner - Part2

Day 370 - Care about what others think and you will alwaysbe their prisoner - Part1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about what others think about me within how I behave.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I behave as Life (the physical) as that which is Best for all life in all ways within self-honesty, that the mind and self-interest will not exist and thus the self-consciousness about caring what others think about me will also not exist, as I see and realize that only self-dishonest behaviors and self-interest caring create consciousness and thus the caring about what others think about me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I care about what others are thinking about me, that I am within self-interest and somewhere busy with the religion of self and not living here as the physical one and equal moving and breathing as the physical and not as a picture as a memory as a thought that is a prisoner to consciousness and consciousness is a prisoner to all of consciousness’s.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is “important’ what others think about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it more important what others think about me then caring about who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what others think about me determines who I am seeing and realizing that this is way to fucking complicated as it constantly changes with any and all people, and thus isn’t reliable at ALL in any universe and only bullshit, as who I am is what I determine and live breathe by breathe as myself and not by input I get from the environment, as the input always changes, what if there is no input, am I then suddenly no one lol. 

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am within my mind thinking and “caring” about what others are thinking about me, to stop and to breathe and to bring myself back to physical breathe and physical movement and to focus on caring about real thing that matter, that is physical and to change and to re-direct my focus and attention to what is real and out of my mind out of the illusions and mind fucks, as I see and realize that caring about what others think about me all the time is most possibly the only reason I have insecurities and fears of people and shyness and all that stuff, when it’s not even real, all it takes is focusing the caring on real things and not on False images and Ideas/opinions/believes all made up inside my head.

I commit myself to change what I care about that is only within my mind as things only I know and can see to real things that is of matter of the physical reality that we all share and to direct my focus out of my mind and to reality.

I commit myself to I commit myself to free myself from the prison in my mind that I have created for myself within misplacing my caring within self-interest to and through placing my caring towards that which is best for all life and to change my behavior from survival and protecting myself from what others care and always wanting others to only think good about me to me living as the physical as breathing and movement where I get back to reality and to stop creating insecurities and fears and all these things that I experience within myself only, that is proof it is self-created only, and to focus on creating a reality that we all share and experience to a place that is best for all instead.

Day 370 - Care about what others think and you will always be their prisoner - Part1

Do I care what other think about me? Yes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about what other people think about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I spend all my focus and time on imprisoning myself into caring about what others think about me that my focus and attention on anything else I do is always at minimum and thus I can never do my best as I will always actually only do my best in preventing others from thinking bad about me or anything else or what they should think about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that as I am living day in and day out caring about what others are thinking about me through my behaviors/words all day long that my reality/world is extremely tiny as I am within this only existing in my head in my immediate survival mode, not seeing or realizing LIFE here as me one and equal, and then I question myself, why am I doing this? 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend all my time caring about what others are thinking about me in the fear of that they might think bad about me and then treat me badly, seeing and realizing that if my treatment towards them isn’t that of do onto another as you would like to be done onto, then I will only get back one and equal what I give, and thus I see and realize that when and as I stop caring what others think about me, that it does not mean be mean and a bitch and shit head to everyone, it means live by principal that is BEST for all LIFE within self-honesty, not to be nice or bad, but to do onto another as you would like to be done onto.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care more about what other people think about me then what I care about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I care about what other people think about me, I become self-conscious about myself and create a state of mentality like a robot living between lines to remain within the Ideas/beliefs/opinions of others and mostly that which is only in my head as expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I care about what others think about me, that I am within that “caring” and “behavior” enslaving and imprisoning myself to my mind within a certain thought pattern and thinking line and that it will always control and direct me and my life till I die, never living or even have one breathe of Life as me as the physical expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Imprison myself within my mind within certain Ideas/believes/opinions of what I believe others CARE about when they see me and that I must live up to this “care” all the time, seeing and realizing how all MY time is a waste of time to live a life of caring what others think about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see and realize that when and as I “live” only to care about what others think about me, and to accordingly enslave myself to the way I create myself to fit the ideas/believes/opinions I have within my mind as Pictures/thoughts/memories of what it is people care about and want to see me as, that I will never be able to see what actually matters in life and start caring for what is real, as I am constantly busy with caring about bullshit Images and pictures and Ideas/beliefs and opinions.