Life - the reason for living - digging through it all.

After reading this blog, I have a suggested interview from Eqafe.com that you must get and listen to.

Is there more to life? this is a question to investigate, perhaps less is the way to more as LIFE?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make money LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make life about the material things I can have to entertain me within my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and Belief and thus live in a make belief life, which life is all about relationships, sex and finding a partner and literally things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make belief that life is about everything that I have been taught.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and belief that life is about finding the next best job or advancement in my career.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make life about what my parents made life about as all the values they have passed onto me as their meanings of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make believe that Life is about how awesome my country is, how awesome the people are that I live with, and that are around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make life about friends and people who will benefit me personally within the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and belief that life is about seeing with how many people I can connect and interact with to financially advance my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and belief that life is about getting education, a job, a family and to then retire and die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make life about religion, about gods, about life after this life, and to only live this life in accordance with what might come after this life based on what others have sold me as possibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and to believe that life is about my image, how I look, how well I dress, how well I smell, how good my personality is and to within this have no real value within, as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek value and life in the things that everyone else is doing and how they are doing, within the idea and belief that everyone else has it covered, that everyone else somehow has a secret answer to life and thus they are probably right as a mind assumption and interpretation, and so follow others and what they make and believe life to be just to fit in, in fear of standing and finding out what is real here as breath as me, as Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make life about how much money I make.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make life about how much sex I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make life about how happy I can look and present myself in how my facial expressions are, how I dress, how I walk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make life about the country, the language, the race of people I am within and surrounded by as MY life and who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make life about how my partner looks as an apparent definition of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make life about how my house looks, what I have in my house, how others will see my house, how others will experience my house.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make life about taste, about food, about what I eat, how much I eat, when I eat and to define myself according to my foods.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and live life as a meaning of life through fitting in with groups just because of money and system advancement possibilities for me in the future as my life, and so sell myself out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define life according to my sex, my age and everything to do with my period and time frame that I am within, within this world, as if I am defined by a generation and to regardless of common sense and self-honesty want to be part of a thing called “my generation” and to define and live my life accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define life by the style and look of my hair.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define life and myself as life according to my facial structure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my life according to my physical body shape and image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and belief that life is all about family and the people that “care” for me and whom I believe and make myself “care” for and thus disregard any and everyone else in life, all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and belief that life can be valued and defined through material things, the things that owe me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that life is about the “few” indulgence that I have and so make and create my life around the few points I can indulge within everyday even if it means giving up all life, the other parts of life, as long as the few points of indulgences are worth it.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I have without awareness or consciousness taken on the meaning of life from others and their believes, their ideas, their opinions and so like a zombie followed it and regardless of all evidence of what is within this world continue to walk and sell myself to the system as a prostitute, labour, my body, for money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it is possible to blame the system that is here for the values and ideas and believe and opinions I have created about the meaning of life and to never even step one step out of it to see if there is more, something else besides my daily routine that defines LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create habits and patterns and routines that I follow religiously every single day as to avoid the fear and to live in denial of what we know we are living and doing, just to have comfort in the routines, patterns and habits, and to never take a first step to check, what the fuck is really here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question everything and to challenge myself within everything, to see how did I and how am I still keeping this meaning of life that is currently here in place through who I a, but to rather hide in routines, in stresses, in fears as denials of what is here and to keep on living as the stress and fear instead of hearing what is here, calling life, saying, there is more HERE, breath, stand up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consume myself with my life to such an extent that I am so comfortable, that I cannot even question myself, as the fear of facing dishonesty is so great, I know it, and thus deny it consistently to avoid having to look at my life and who I am thus for real and see what I have become and made of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and to believe that I have lived a life of dishonesty for so long that it is pointless to at my age and time question myself, my life, and so rather completely sell myself for money, for a system, for the systems THUS within me first and foremost and to become completely obsessed with keeping the system the way it is for myself as I have already accepted and allowed myself to simply sink into the unforgivable and made it normal and me and thus cannot afford to be expose at any cost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and to believe that life is about LOVE and marriage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that marriage and love is real, when I was taught what it is and thus made life and based the definition and meaning of life on something completely unreal and untrue and to a certain degree, I know this, yet refuse to look at the LIE I have defined as LIE(F).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and belief that life is all about figuring our conspiracy theories and that it defines me and life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and belief that life is all about waiting for aliens to show up and change life even if it means I am entertaining myself and wasting my life in this, and yet do it because I have become possessed and obsessed with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and belief that life is all about getting a certain degree in studies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and belief that life is about politics, about religions, about economics and that is what defines life itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and to belief that life is about how much I know, how intelligent I am, how smart I am and so within this lose myself completely as life as I focus and define myself according to words in books that will not be as life at death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and to believe that life is all about having a baby, a child, and so within this about how great of a parent I am or can be and thus make the focus of life a child, someone else outside of self, thus self isn’t the first point of change and being the change and what requires the change, as the child will naturally learn from the adult, and thus it isn’t about parenting, it is about being myself, yet if I dislike myself I will raise my child within such a polarity that will cause a polarized relationship that thus teaches my child bullshit, such as how the child look, how intelligent they are, how physically early and shit they advance, which is again the focus on intelligence and not the being as LIFE, as who they are as that will come from self as self must first be that change and thus having a child must be natural, and parenting is thus an illusion,  deception, a mislead idea.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and to belief that life is a make – believe game, where I can pick and choose what I want to believe and thus make and so life my life according to that, and thus disregard all common sense, all self-honesty and rather following a point of self-enslavement to systems, work, material things, images and so fuck the world, thus when I live a make-belief life where I use opinions, ideas and beliefs to live BY it proof that I have not actually matured or grown up at all as I am still disregarding LIFE itself, and what all of us walk one and equal in and as the physical, and thus everyone that mature in fact will walk the same in fact one and equal.

Check out thi interview by the Interdimensional Portal from Eqafe - Your Reason for Living 

Stop Fighting within. stop controlling, Trust here, breath Day 609

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight myself within the process of change, instead of allowing the change to flow as me unconditionally, without restraining the change, without holding it back, without fighting it, and to rather embrace the change within me, to express me as the change without thought. 

 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that thinking about doing something or expressing myself is in fact me fighting myself. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight my thoughts.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight any experience that comes up within me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight the Image I see in the mirror of my physical body.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight the posture my body has.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight my common sense and expressing it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight my fearlessness and to rather hold onto fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight for my limitations.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight the heat when it is hot.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight the cold when it is cold.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight disease and sickness when I have it. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight my breathing and how I am breathing. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight my spelling and typing skills. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight my reality and the people I have to interact with and how I experience any reactions that come up within me in those instances.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight TIME.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight aging.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight the food I eat as the thoughts and behaviors I have with the food I eat.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FIGHT reality as the physical that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight moving within reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight physical reality as the earth, nature and all that is natural through the clothes I wear and the comforts I implement just not to be in contact with nature such as shoes, hats, glasses and everything that is fighting what is here and resisting what is here as the earth, as that which is real.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight exploding in expression and rather hold it all back in fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight me standing up as I fight the fear and to within this believe that because I am fighting fears and insecurities the battle must mean it is real, instead of simply stopping fighting and living here expressing and breathing and standing as myself as true expression as life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight my money/financial situation within this world and who I have defined myself according to money and my personal financial situation.

Day 608 - Stubbornness

Stubbornness

I have been a very stubborn person throughout my life, right up in people’s faces I would be stubborn, someone would offer me their help and I would say NO, I can do this by myself, or I would be struggling with something for weeks, even months, and I will NOT ask for help, because I must face this alone, I must get this all by myself.

Since I started walking my Desteni process, the tools and the material in all the blogs and vlogs and interviews has been challenging a whole different level of stubbornness within me.

I NEVER enjoyed anyone giving me the answer that is RIGHT, I would rather hold onto my own answer with my own added values that I see is the “right” way, even when I know it is just an opinion or a believe or idea – even when the answer given to me as the “right” answer has already been lived by someone and has already been proven by someone and can be explained to me in detail, whereas I with my answer cannot, I will hold onto my answer, being stubborn, unwilling to give up MY way as my Ego, going where my energy is, and not letting GO of it and taking on humility and seeing the new information as it is and to actually apply myself. NO, I would rather struggle for weeks and months and then learn it by myself, maybe. Or I would rather be stuck in MY WAY forever than rather giving it up and letting the ego GO.

This has changed a lot during my time walking with Desteni, and I have seen almost immediate improvements in my life, first of all, I learned that I am alone yet together alone with other people. Secondly if someone else gives me an answer that is “right” compared to mine, It doesn’t mean they see me as less, in fact it means they see me as more and that’s why the answer or new information is provided, because the other person wishes for me to be my utmost potential and for me to stop struggling within myself, yet with stubbornness that struggle can be very real and LONG.

Thirdly, I realized how much I reacted towards other people challenging my IDEA I have of myself, and how this challenge that others are giving me puts up this WALL of stubbornness and where I now MUST be more clever, or have a correct answer, or one that is even MORE better and saying those things as to show the other people I do not need your advice or help, which is again stubbornness, unwillingness to change, unwilling to admit that my way isn’t the way, and that if someone gives me a different way that takes out all the struggling, then I can simply take it – BUT NO, stubborn people, as myself want to be special, you see. Stubborn people want to be able to say SEE I did it all by myself, therefore I have all the credit, I was right, I am the winner of ME, but really?

This stubborn point has been challenged within me to its utmost through starting my Desteni Process, to be humble, to not be the all-knowing person, to be the inflexible self-righteous person that is always in conflict with everyone because LOOK I have a better answer, look I am saying this, YOU didn’t have to, I didn’t need any help from yo, even when what I say was inspired fom the other person, I mold it to my own.

one of the biggest stubborn indicators is to be part of a group, to walk as a group and within one principle, because then there is no MY way. it is best for all always, the group comes first. 

And this character can be sneaky, I have noticed how I can even listen to someone and SEE what they are saying and how it makes sense, and the practicality within what they are saying is HERE, yet I will walk away from such a conversation and then I will go in myself – ok, let me IMPROVE this what I was given and make it even better, and this I do because if I change what was told to me or what I heard, into my OWN version, then I can use it and tell the other person I still did it all by myself, LOOK I have an even better way of saying it, of doing it, I found this way, not you, I didn’t need your help. The stubborn character LOVES credit for itself no matter what, as long as someone else wasn’t right or helping or giving better information than the stubborn character.

I will be going into the stubborn character in more detail within my next blog through self-forgiveness.

This blog is on sex and private parts, adult's only , the BIG surprise – Day 607 day 10 of 21

This blog is for adults, well, should it be? I mean let’s be honest, we all got introduced to sex and everything about sex the day we were made, I mean a penis and a vagina was involved, but to be more serious, fuck media made sure I knew about vaginas and penises before my system assigned appropriate age which is 18, by the time I was 13, I have seen hard core porn, by accident of course. Visiting a friend by surprise, standing at the entrance of the door at his home, I heard weird noises coming from the house and looked in and saw on two computer screens hard core porn playing. I was fucking shocked. Before that I of course have seen naked women and men, I mean I am a man, but I saw naked women on TV, all the time, with my family, especially when sex scenes were coming up, but the private parts are always hidden then. And I got hold of a lot of “sexy” magazines, those perfect brainwashing tools being distributed all around, and they all were basically just teasing, not showing anything “private” once again, 90% was left to the imagination. And this is the part I am coming to within this blog.

The imagination and Vaginas

Please, consider this blog is written from me as a male point of view and it is going to be quite honest and open, so don’t make it personal towards me or anyone or anything else. I want to share my experiences and what I learned as a young man in his teens and before that and up until now.

consider - everything except porn is designed to make us focus on everything as an image other than the actual private parts, so we are left to connect the real point with the imagination stimulus designed around the people and images presented, such as the ass, legs, eyes, arms, figure, to totally disregard the actual point in discussion - sex, which is the vagina and the penis really.

I was sold an Idea about sex that was contradicting reality regarding sex, yes it is and was my responsibility to not accept and allow all the shit I was told and sold about sex, but I did, it was a curious thing, as I was in the stages of still understanding sex and my own male parts and the curious secretive female parts.

From TV and Media, I got this perfect picture, beautiful clean women idea, and then also that women are good for sex, really, that’s all I saw women good for in my youth, to get sex, perhaps I am one of the guys that wanted that idea to be sold to me because I was so insecure, perhaps all guys had this idea and hid it better, but my point is, this used to be my ideas, not the Ideal at all.

Yet I also had this Idea mixed up with women are perfect, somehow I was mind fucked by two polarities like a beautiful nice respected girl is somehow a prostitute underneath it all to be fucked hard. This is simply how it was programmed within me through what I saw on TV and Media and magazines, all those pictures and moving pictures really influences a guy at that age (age 7 and onward).

Now I knew one thing, a Dick is an ugly thing, I mean, geeze, just look at it, and never mind the smell sometimes, they look like one eyed monsters, in the showers or dressing rooms with a bunch of other guys, there are all kinds of weird one eyed monsters, all competing with each other, who’s got a meaner and stronger monster, checking and looking, even teasing and laughing at those who’s monsters weren’t in a certain range, not to mention the size and the different ways of direction all these one eyed monsters have. The point I want to make will come soon for mentioning this.

I remember feeling insecure after a few times having this competition in the dressing rooms for buys and not wanting to get dressed or naked in front of other boys, because the possibility of teasing might come up, so I avoided that, even though it never happened to me, but other kids got it hard, not that kind of hard.

Then you have the public toilets, and here, sometimes there are up to 10 standing urinals next to each other, and while pissing you try and avoid others from looking or seeing but if there are two other guys next to you, you just have to give u and piss quick and get it over, unless you are not shy and have some kind of an idea about your size one eye monster, then some guys will like swing that thing out and proudly piss for all to see. So now, here I am with a reality check always around me, and here comes my point that had me confused and that I took to myself as a male.

When I watch movies, or hear songs, where the girls just cannot wait to give a guy a blow job or touch his dick, I go in my mind WHAT?? Does this girl even know what she is wanting? I mean, the weird shit that goes on in men’s pans and the smells, Girls want that? Shit, there must be something wrong with women then to want that shit. Now at this point in time I still had NO clue what a vagina really looks like, feels like or if it also smells – and god dammit I was going with my imagination, because if I had to be real with myself that Vaginas will also smell, or feel weird, or have weird looks, then what I have in my imagination about girls will quickly change to becoming real and not this clean perfect image that is pure and smooth and just fucking perfect, and I went as far as even imagining that the picture of these models on TV and in magazines must fit what their vaginas will be like, I mean it must be??

Now the only “real” feedback I got on what Vaginas are about and how they are was from my trust worthy friends – and all the stories they have heard and later on all the stories that they have created “apparently” before me – and NEVER was anything mentioned about smells or tastes, even though they claimed they have been down there, all I heard was about wetness, extreme wetness, this surprised me because I never imagined that, of course imagination attempts to be far away from reality. Never mind all the hair, or mentioning about hair flossing your teeth potentially.

I discovered all of this myself over the years in my teenage years, and it was a surprise – not that there was smells, and hair and lots of juices, but that even after that and everyone knowing about the reality of vaginas and penises, among ourselves we will always only talk superficial as to keep the imagination intact, that which isn’t real, we do not talk about the real stuff, all of it, like while you have sex, farting is a possibility, mmm.

So this is my blog on sharing a bit more about how if we are real with ourselves in terms of reality and the sexual organs and stop making everything in our minds as pretty, as clean, as nice as perfect and get down to the actuality of it all, we can actually start seeing more clearly when something is literally deceiving us with pictures and selling using sex mixed with perfection, I mean, you will encounter ass hair, or some weird shit downstairs, it just is part of the human design and we can trip and cut and do plastic surgery all we want but it isn’t solving eh problem of the imagination and how it run people’s lives, I mean, after discovering the reality of sex for myself the first time and what’s involved, besides just intercourse, but like playing, you know, four play – I still have the Imagination to imagine it different and more perfect with some other girl, that this other girls will be more perfect, or have it right as I have imagined it, I mean just take a look at your own dick/penis, there is no perfect.

In the end it is really simple, regardless of the body image, one has a penis and the other has a vagina, or in more simpler terms, one has a rod and the other has a hole, that’s what it is all about, and to make these parts fit, is simple, in and out, with of course the required lubrication's and that will cause certain smells, like a car gives off a smell from the oil and petrol because of all the ins and outs happening, and then there will be gasses release, and we have exhausts pipes, our assholes, and shit will take place, we have to be real about this or the imagination and what is in movies, TV’s series and general media will keep playing on this “perfect imaginary world of sex in our minds”.

And the saddest part is, we are all actually believing and thinking that we can achieve this perfection image and are willing to go to great lengths to change our bodies, but if you are going to sweat and stink during sex, or if your penis or vagina is going to produce a certain smell while in action, you better hope you can breathe and be here in the physical, or you will be turned off, and then a sexual problem is coming.

Being real about this, you will find NO women or man in the streets will be attractive to you as an image anymore and you will empower yourself to already there not get distracted or fall in the trap of being attracted by an image.

Imagine that hot Vampire lady you saw in a movie or guy and then realizing, shit they have stinky dicks and vaginas just like me, they fart just like me, they have imperfect vaginas and dicks just like me, there is nothing special, just the outer image, they also probably far and have ass hair while in that intimate moment, and when things get really hot those smelly armpits will just make things bloom even more and there is nothing special.

The physical has the same way of expressing itself within the same things within all of us. These are some pointers I integrated for myself to stop the addiction of looking, of desire ring, of being distracted and following the lady in the red dress so to say, now I can truly embrace me as my body and there is NO imagination interfering and I am in breath. Then every moment is perfect and not seeking it somewhere out there as sold to us. Let’s all grow leg hair and armpit hair, destroy the illusions that keeps the systems alive and in attraction.

When Lethargy sinks in Day 606 - 9 of 21

Many years ago I went through a state of lethargy, for months I was tired and exhausted and felt like sitting and zoning out, not doing or participating in anything, where the thought and thinking in my mind would be telling me over and over “ relax, you need to just sit down and relax, do nothing for a while, you have been working hard, you deserve to just sit still and do nothing, just zone out for a while, then you will feel alive and awake again, just give it time” – But then it continues, for days and then weeks and then months and then it becomes Me, this new habit and pattern. 

BUT lucky me, I Listened to the Eqafe interviews on Lethargy a while back, and this enabled me to see when I was entering Lethargy, but that’s now all, because of the interviews I was not only able to see what I am in but also HOW I have created it for myself, it all took place in a short period of 30min, where I felt lethargic and suddenly I saw the construct that was described in the interviews, and I was like, wow, this is how I created it and why I am experiencing this. In that moment I could view who I was in the past few weeks and then how that specific doing/living ended up in a state I could not explain and just experienced and then have lethargy. 

It is for me difficult to write it all specifically down, as this requires the knowledge of the interviews to fully understand, but I will do the Self-forgiveness none the less on my personal points of creation up until this point. 

Here are the interviews for your interest:

Lethargy: Introduction – https://eqafe.com/p/lethargy-introduction-atlanteans-part-212
Lethargy Looking Ahead - https://eqafe.com/p/lethargy-looking-ahead-atlanteans-part-216
Lethargy Domino Effect - https://eqafe.com/p/lethargy-domino-effect-atlanteans-part-213
Lethargy Self-Forgiveness - https://eqafe.com/p/lethargy-self-forgiveness-atlanteans-part-215
Lethargy A Physical Experience - https://eqafe.com/p/lethargy-a-physical-experience-atlanteans-part-214
Lethargy The Gifts Within - https://eqafe.com/p/lethargy-the-gifts-within-atlanteans-part-217

 

My Self-Forgiveness 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the past few weeks take on a character within me of “advancement” where the point of advancement and growing wasn’t the problem, but that I took on a character within energy, where the mind made me believe that I require a certain character to face the changes of advancing and expanding based on expectations of what is to come, where I in the current moment already generate and create all the energy that I believe I will need as this character for when and as the moment arrives that these changes and advancements take place, and so within time as I advance, the expectations isn’t met, yet I have already generated and gathered all this energy within me for a certain moment, and as this moment never arrives my body still need to use this energy or do something with it, and thus I go into a lethargic state where all this energy is now weighing on me, making me feel tired as It never got to be expressed, and so it now needs to filter through my body and all the systems designed within the mind, and so I sit and wait for myself to feel awake again, to beef alive again to move and direct myself, yet as I wait for this to happen I am forming and creating new habits and patterns set within lethargy, and thus I become lethargy as a self-propelling cycle. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require a high energy character for any change or advancement that MIGHT take place and to within this prepare the character within acclimating energy beforehand as to set myself up for success, without actually knowing the outcome of the actual time it will take before any advancement or change will actually take place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to be someone else other than me to be ready, to handle any advancement or change that is to come or might come.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize the non-common sense approach this is to take on a character and to generate all the required energy I believe I will required for something that might or might not happen and to within this act upon it within energy within me, not even checking physical reality and walking real time change, just following everything and anything my mind is throwing at me to follow according to an expectation I made up within my mind about what I want and not haw reality works.