Life - the reason for living - digging through it all.

After reading this blog, I have a suggested interview from Eqafe.com that you must get and listen to.

Is there more to life? this is a question to investigate, perhaps less is the way to more as LIFE?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make money LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make life about the material things I can have to entertain me within my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and Belief and thus live in a make belief life, which life is all about relationships, sex and finding a partner and literally things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make belief that life is about everything that I have been taught.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and belief that life is about finding the next best job or advancement in my career.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make life about what my parents made life about as all the values they have passed onto me as their meanings of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make believe that Life is about how awesome my country is, how awesome the people are that I live with, and that are around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make life about friends and people who will benefit me personally within the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and belief that life is about seeing with how many people I can connect and interact with to financially advance my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and belief that life is about getting education, a job, a family and to then retire and die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make life about religion, about gods, about life after this life, and to only live this life in accordance with what might come after this life based on what others have sold me as possibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and to believe that life is about my image, how I look, how well I dress, how well I smell, how good my personality is and to within this have no real value within, as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek value and life in the things that everyone else is doing and how they are doing, within the idea and belief that everyone else has it covered, that everyone else somehow has a secret answer to life and thus they are probably right as a mind assumption and interpretation, and so follow others and what they make and believe life to be just to fit in, in fear of standing and finding out what is real here as breath as me, as Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make life about how much money I make.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make life about how much sex I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make life about how happy I can look and present myself in how my facial expressions are, how I dress, how I walk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make life about the country, the language, the race of people I am within and surrounded by as MY life and who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make life about how my partner looks as an apparent definition of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make life about how my house looks, what I have in my house, how others will see my house, how others will experience my house.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make life about taste, about food, about what I eat, how much I eat, when I eat and to define myself according to my foods.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and live life as a meaning of life through fitting in with groups just because of money and system advancement possibilities for me in the future as my life, and so sell myself out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define life according to my sex, my age and everything to do with my period and time frame that I am within, within this world, as if I am defined by a generation and to regardless of common sense and self-honesty want to be part of a thing called “my generation” and to define and live my life accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define life by the style and look of my hair.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define life and myself as life according to my facial structure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my life according to my physical body shape and image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and belief that life is all about family and the people that “care” for me and whom I believe and make myself “care” for and thus disregard any and everyone else in life, all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and belief that life can be valued and defined through material things, the things that owe me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that life is about the “few” indulgence that I have and so make and create my life around the few points I can indulge within everyday even if it means giving up all life, the other parts of life, as long as the few points of indulgences are worth it.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I have without awareness or consciousness taken on the meaning of life from others and their believes, their ideas, their opinions and so like a zombie followed it and regardless of all evidence of what is within this world continue to walk and sell myself to the system as a prostitute, labour, my body, for money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it is possible to blame the system that is here for the values and ideas and believe and opinions I have created about the meaning of life and to never even step one step out of it to see if there is more, something else besides my daily routine that defines LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create habits and patterns and routines that I follow religiously every single day as to avoid the fear and to live in denial of what we know we are living and doing, just to have comfort in the routines, patterns and habits, and to never take a first step to check, what the fuck is really here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question everything and to challenge myself within everything, to see how did I and how am I still keeping this meaning of life that is currently here in place through who I a, but to rather hide in routines, in stresses, in fears as denials of what is here and to keep on living as the stress and fear instead of hearing what is here, calling life, saying, there is more HERE, breath, stand up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consume myself with my life to such an extent that I am so comfortable, that I cannot even question myself, as the fear of facing dishonesty is so great, I know it, and thus deny it consistently to avoid having to look at my life and who I am thus for real and see what I have become and made of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and to believe that I have lived a life of dishonesty for so long that it is pointless to at my age and time question myself, my life, and so rather completely sell myself for money, for a system, for the systems THUS within me first and foremost and to become completely obsessed with keeping the system the way it is for myself as I have already accepted and allowed myself to simply sink into the unforgivable and made it normal and me and thus cannot afford to be expose at any cost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and to believe that life is about LOVE and marriage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that marriage and love is real, when I was taught what it is and thus made life and based the definition and meaning of life on something completely unreal and untrue and to a certain degree, I know this, yet refuse to look at the LIE I have defined as LIE(F).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and belief that life is all about figuring our conspiracy theories and that it defines me and life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and belief that life is all about waiting for aliens to show up and change life even if it means I am entertaining myself and wasting my life in this, and yet do it because I have become possessed and obsessed with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and belief that life is all about getting a certain degree in studies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and belief that life is about politics, about religions, about economics and that is what defines life itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and to belief that life is about how much I know, how intelligent I am, how smart I am and so within this lose myself completely as life as I focus and define myself according to words in books that will not be as life at death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and to believe that life is all about having a baby, a child, and so within this about how great of a parent I am or can be and thus make the focus of life a child, someone else outside of self, thus self isn’t the first point of change and being the change and what requires the change, as the child will naturally learn from the adult, and thus it isn’t about parenting, it is about being myself, yet if I dislike myself I will raise my child within such a polarity that will cause a polarized relationship that thus teaches my child bullshit, such as how the child look, how intelligent they are, how physically early and shit they advance, which is again the focus on intelligence and not the being as LIFE, as who they are as that will come from self as self must first be that change and thus having a child must be natural, and parenting is thus an illusion,  deception, a mislead idea.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and to belief that life is a make – believe game, where I can pick and choose what I want to believe and thus make and so life my life according to that, and thus disregard all common sense, all self-honesty and rather following a point of self-enslavement to systems, work, material things, images and so fuck the world, thus when I live a make-belief life where I use opinions, ideas and beliefs to live BY it proof that I have not actually matured or grown up at all as I am still disregarding LIFE itself, and what all of us walk one and equal in and as the physical, and thus everyone that mature in fact will walk the same in fact one and equal.

Check out thi interview by the Interdimensional Portal from Eqafe - Your Reason for Living 

Day 598 – The root cause of all Addiction Day 1 of 21

watch this video - https://www.facebook.com/upliftconnect/videos/846444885492494/?pnref=story and see they haven't done real investigation actually, but it is a cool start for now, see what helped the addicts in the video wasn't connecting really, it was just they are busy with REAL things and not the mind, the physical was and is their grounding point, stability and so they could stay out of the mind where the real addiction is. - http://upliftconnect.com/opposite-addiction-connection/

IF you truly want to end addictions, any of them, stop your mind, and rebirth YOU at Desteni.org and the online course DIP lite and Pro

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek the root for my addiction from an outside source other than myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek the cause for my addictions within a form of reason outside of me to set me free from my addictions.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that any and all addiction that I have comes from me, and that I must give any and all addiction authority FIRST and foremost, and no matter how much I want to blame or give reason to my environment and circumstances for why I am addicted, I cannot deny that I make the decision every single time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to believe the next best explanation for why I have addictions as to justify sources outside of myself and to not to have to take self-responsibility for myself and can rather blame and be subject to outside sources and never be held accountable for my actions.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that any addiction I form as relationships I form with certain things within my environment comes from the relationship I have formed with myself, where this relationship that I have with myself is the first problem I must deal with, and thus the MIND, as consciousness.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that consciousness is the first addiction I have formed with my own relationship with myself, where I have made consciousness ME, as the thoughts, feelings and emotions as energy, where I have become addicted to the energy that the mind consciousness systems generate within me and to act on these thoughts, feelings and emotions as if they are ME, as if they are real. And so when I form addictions outside of myself they are mere reflections of what I have already accepted and allowed within myself as my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to fully see and realize that thoughts and participating in thoughts is and addiction, as I can see that the thoughts I give attention and make valid within me gives me a certain experience where I indulge within and act out, live.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to fully see and realize that the emotions I indulge within IS an addiction, as it is an energetic experience that I am giving power and authority to over myself and to let this chemical reactions as emotion that I created within me through my acceptances and allowances direct and create my world/life, no different than a drug addict, or alcoholic, or someone that cannot stop gambling, as those things are mere outer creations of how I create within myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to fully see and realize that feelings are an addiction – a chemical reaction(s) that I create within myself through accepting and allowing certain thoughts and to participate within them to give me certain experiences to give something else power and control over me to decide for me how I must experience myself and to then create and live my live according to what I feel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot stop the addiction of the mind and that it is harmless, that it is innocent, that it does not affect anyone else, the same reasoning’s addicts have we have to why the mind is US and not a problem, not the cause of the problems, as we have developed to many reasons and justification to why the mind is amazing and never actually really investigating the effects and causes within the reality of us living as mind consciousness systems, till we become REAL addicts that are involved in porn, sex, alcohol, drugs name them all that then abuse and misuse what is here that causes the extensive pain and abuse within this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just like a real addict find it hard to admit that I am addicted to the mind and that the mind has power and control over me, that thoughts, feelings and emotions control my live every day, no matter what I want to do, when a mood sets in, when someone else shout at me, when I am happy, I follow the energy, I follow the experience just like any addiction and addict does.

Day 445 – I just cannot change, Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and breathe the believe that I just can not change, instead of seeing and realizing that it is just a believe and not real in fact, and that the only way I can see for real and in fact if I can change is to for real and in fact change in and as the physical.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the excuse of “I just cannot change” is exactly that, an excuse backed up by a secret desire to not wanting to change.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to change as I am holding onto secret wants/desires that is of the mind that I do not want to give up, where I know that if I actually take the first step that these secret mind wants/desires cannot exist as the changed me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set in stone the believe of” I cannot change” without ever testing out if I can change for real through actual practical real change within my daily life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to change as I want to “remember” ME, as I have identified myself as memories and thus do not see a real me that does not exist as memories existing outside of the real of the mind as memories/thoughts/feelings/emotions, thus fearing the unknown, knowing that if I take the steps to real change into the unknown that I will change, thus the unknown isn’t that unknown, as it is known that one will change and not be the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the me that I know as the mind within attempting to change who I am as that which is LIFE as the universe as me in reverse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I will be if I change, yet not considering that I change myself within the principles of what is best for all life, as that which is one and equal within and as the universal principles of how everything work and thus taking my status as a co-creator, and thus I know the change will be what is best for all life as long as I cross reference myself in the physical and not through the mind to see my living and not my thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who and how I will be without thought, where thoughts have been my god within my mind guiding me all my life, since I could remember, showing that before I could remember I was functioning perfectly well without thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that who I now exist as the mind and as a physical consequence within my behaviors and patterns has become a comfort for me within my life and thus even though I am pushing to change a part of me does not want to change as that part is of the mind and wants to remain in comfort, no matter how abusive or against me these patterns and behaviors are, as they support the mind as energy which is like a drug addict that can’t quit, thus I am stuck in the addiction of the mind patterns that is controlling my life and within this believe that I am unable to change, yet not realizing that just like a drug addict I must take a physical step in change and that it will not be what I want yet it will be best for me and everyone else.

Day 530 - Logical thinking and reasoning

 

Logical thinking and reasoning from knowledge and information as being smart is exactly what trapped us humans in this destruction path in Life. Just look at any form of abuse or addiction in this world. It is kept alive with logic and reason based on knowledge and information. A person that abuses a family member at home uses logic and reason in their mind to why they do what they do. Look at porn addicts, they want to stop but logic and reason pulls them back and stopping seems impossible. We can literally use logical thinking and reasoning in any situation in this world and justify it as right. No where is there common sense and self honesty. Take a look at yourself. How you have so much knowledge and information to use as logical thinking and reasoning to justify why you aren't stopping and creating a better world for all life

Day 512 – Helping others but not myself Part 2

Where the last post ended: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an irrational IDEA/belief/opinion within my mind of what a good person is, where this irrational idea/belief/opinion of being a good person is me pleasing EVERY single person, which by a mathematical equation is literally impossible, yet I try every day and thus fail every day and thus the end result of every day is me being a failure, but I keep trying hoping that I can master/learn each and every person’s idea/belief/opinion of what a good person is and to when I am in their presence I can live that IDEA/belief/opinion - and fail.

So the word FAIL – has come up as the opposite within me regarding this point of wanting to please everyone, it is a mind consciousness design so it works in polarities, to simply keep the mind consciousness alive.

Success and failure are the two opposites, I have taken success and replaces that with “pleasing everyone/being a good person” and then the failure polarity is that of “upsetting everyone/not being a good person.

Here I have to go back to my early childhood memories where I was being programmed through my environment and how I interpreted the moments/experiences – as a child born into this world already as a being, as someone – this being/Someone as me starts to now living in this world where there are already BILLIONS of conditions set/in place, and as I as the being starts moving myself through this reality I encounter countless moments/experiences – with me not being born with any information about this reality I am now interpreting these moments by following those who has been here before me, unconditionally and how they respond to the moments.

This is happening from the moment of birth, and as I can say I do not remember anything from my birth till about the age of three – YET this is the time in which I learned almost everything I know today, my mobility as my body and all the parts of it, my language and speaking/speech and how I now look at the world through the formal education I have received from my parents/people in the environment(s) – then as I have now developed a language and a general level or vocabulary to communicate and interact with my reality and those within it, I can now start living by myself, but only according to what I have already now acquired as my education/words/vocabulary – which can be very limited and with all the wrong meanings or with emotional conditions to words and what they mean, and then also the amount of environments I am exposed to learn new things outside of the normal setup where I was born and raised in within the first three years – or it can be the opposite where I was enriched with a wide vocabulary to make sense of my reality more and to be able to communicate and talk more and to interact more with the right meanings of words/understanding of them and no emotional connections which decided how I interpret new information within my mind and thus how I in tern respond.

Now – it is obvious through me not remembering any of my first three years of life on earth, I cannot YET go back and find the main programming right now, but as I can see, everything that exist as me here in each moment stems from that, it is an outflow and thus actually still the same, it just looks different and I have over time made it my own as if it all is ME in fact, when in fact I was taught everything from someone else – not who I am.

So understanding this is easy, seeing this point is easy, and coming to terms with even if I know it isn’t me and that I was taught everything I belief myself to be and living it right now as if it is me, I have accepted and allowed it and thus I am it right now but It does not mean it is real and actually who I must be.

Yet back to the point, I learned morality from those that has gone before me, I learned what is good and what is bad through peoples actions and words and how they used those words and actions, and I took it on as the right way, and even if it was towards me, I would unconditionally take it on and become the moralities, the good and the bad, even if only the good was enforced within me by those that raised me, the good always implied the bad, the opposite, and thus if only the good was enforced within me then I made the obvious now conclusion, what is so bad about me that everyone only enforces the good in me, what is it that people think of me that I need to only hear the good, is there something that is bad about me that is being covered by all the good praise.

So as I can see ZI created the polarity point within myself within understanding the construct of good and bad from the system design as the mind consciousness, that if I am good then there must be dad, and I interpret the bad with my limited vocabulary by myself – and so the bad would become to BIG in my mind because the good has been praised to BIG/much from others, that I later on feared keeping up with all the good and always living the good and always keeping up to everyone’s standard of me being good in their eyes, this fear of now being bad became my internal reality, it became my fear – and as curiosity works, I had to every now and then push the point of testing out the bad, the opposite of my goodness, just to see if it is real, it others will notice it, and if it will bring different reaction, and so it did, I brought out reactions/actions that I did not enjoy, I did not want to be seen as bad because what comes from that is bad lol.

BUT – how did I interpret the reactions/actions of others when I did something “bad” in the eyes of other mind consciousness systems? The action has always been in the nature of suppression, suppress what the child is doing, hide it, in fear of the child becoming evil or being a bad person and only keep/reveal the good, which now became a belief inside of me as the child that there is something terrible inside of me, something great and evil that others fear seeing and so I must fear seeing it as well, I must be every afraid, I must never show it – because society will react in a way to suppress and kill this evil, this evil has NO place in society and I am this evil, it was confirmed by the actions/reaction of others towards me when I exposed/tested out the point.

So now in time, I have lived as a very good person, I have proven to be the opposite of this evil/bad that I belief lives inside of me, I have gone the extra mile to always help people and to always PROOF my goodness, while suppressing the real issues that I have developed through my limited mind interpretation of events back then and how other responded in ignorance and fear. BUT what do I know, with this belief that I am evil/bad growing and growing within me year after year, I started playing things out in my life that I deliberately did within this BELIEF (not real) that I now started using as my own evidence to proof that I am evil, and to proof my parents right that there was a great evil that they SAW in me as a child based on how they responded to me as a child acting in curiosity – and to have this last point of failing and being bad and to just proof that my parents was right, they had to enforce all the good in me all those years, they had to only motivate me positively, they had to only always come forth as happy around me, because if they didn’t, I would have ended up as a evil mother fucker, so the consequences isn’t nessasarely me going out and being evil – as it is all internalized.

It starts out with thoughts of failure, thoughts of not being good enough, thoughts of me not being what everyone expected of me, as the physical reality exposes polarities with consequences that reveals us to ourselves and the polarities that has been created and lived so that we can have a moment to SEE and to change, to move out of the polarity constructs that enslave us the mind consciousness systems of energy with the purpose of one thing, to generate energy and to let self-interest prevail as a personality that wanted to be right/win, even if it means self-proofing and winning in being evil.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that there is an evil within me that I do not understand, because as a child no one else was able to explain to me what it was that I saw or acted out, but instead reacted and taught me to rather suppress and hide what is going on within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on the belief and Ideas and opinions of others of what is good and what is bad and to within this classify myself as BOTH and to live out both, where I chose according to my environment and circumstances to live out the good and to hide the evil.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the evil MORE than what it is within me due to a lack of vocabulary to place it in common sense and assessing it and to rather go into irrational thinking that is based on emotions/feelings that then become actions that I myself to not understand yet justify as being ME.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as a polarity of good and bad within myself and within this world, where I ONLY do good in front of others and do evil in secret as I have judged myself as evil and as good and that only the good can be exposed and the evil must remain hidden, yet the evil ALWAYS exposes itself at some point – which then can enforce the belief of oneself of being evil/bad and this personality comes out more where one starts participating within destructive behavior/patterns just to proof self and others right that self was evil all this time, as the good part of self later on do not get recognition anymore and it starts to just become normal and thus no more energy is being received from being good, so a polarity shift is required to generate energy again for the mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that this Good and Evil construct isn’t me, it is something that I was shown and taught.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within this polarity of good and evil within myself as two extreme part of who I have accepted and allowed myself to belief myself to be.

To be continued

Day 511 - helping others but not myself

I have been dealing with quit a big part of myself as who I have defined myself as, and this part has got to do with me seeing and helping other people with their potential, helping others through self destructive patterns and seeing the better, becoming the better part of self.str
Yet, I have never done this for myself, in fact I have a shit load of problems that I need to deal with, but I occupy myself and my time with always helping others and forgetting myself so to say.

I have been doing so for a while now, and this is coming back to bite me in my ass, in the past few weeks I have been dealing with some mayor internal conflicts (the mind) in other words, where these points do as always effect the physical reality.

I see within myself that I can help others, YET they always in the end have to help themselves, I can not always just be on stand by waiting, this is simply me distracting myself from really facing my myself and my internal points and thus my reality.

so as a base design of my personality as what I have always done is the savior construct, only in this story there is now happy ending, because while I am out saving I am doing this from a starting point of self-sacrifice, which will lead slowly but surely to a sacrifice, where all my suppression, all my problems just accumulate and accumulate till they have no where else to go but OUT.  

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to care about myself and to give focus and attention to "saving others" and forgetting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not important and that I do not matter and do not need saving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value myself as less than others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have a good life in comparison to others and thus I do not deserve to push myself to reach and be my utmost potential as it isn't fair towards those that isn't in the same situation as me with the same opportunity and thus I must sacrifice myself to rather help others, while I sink.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I do not deserve any help or that I am not worthy being helped as I will just waste other peoples time, and thus I might as well waste my own time by forgetting about myself and focusing on others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect myself and to within this neglecting my life and effecting everyone in my life/reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ABUSE myself though the believes that I have about myself and to within this secretly abuse others that isnt "intentionally" yet it happens through my actions/beliefs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I focus on myself and bettering myself as what is best for all LIFE and to reach my utmost potential that I will come forth as selfish and as a bad person, because I am now not focusing on pleasing others and caring for others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become sour and angry and resentful towards the world and the people within this world due to my belief that everyone is keeping me hostage within their perception of me as being a good person and because of ME living within the expectation of others perception of me as MUST be good, I always believe that I must do everything good as much as possible and never care for myself, and thus create a blame game that shifts my responsibility towards the world and thus the world now becomes the problem instead of seeing and realize that this perception, this belief, Idea is all but in my head and I am living it as if it is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR being seen as a bad guy, a person that isn't doing good and the best he can to help others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others having a bad perception of me and how that will influence my world and who I am within this reality that I share with billions of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an irrational IDEA/belief/opinion within my mind of what a good person is, where this irrational idea/belief/opinion of being a good person is me pleasing EVERY single person, which by a mathematical equation is literally impossible, yet I try everyday and thus fail every day and thus the end result of every day is me being a failure, but I keep trying hoping that I can master/learn each and every persons idea/belief/opinion of what a good person is and to when I am in their presence I can live that IDEA/belief/opinion - and fail.

to be continued
 

Day – 434 – Oh shit, I forgot to LIVE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly prepare myself to live, instead of living.

When and as I see myself preparing myself to live – I stop, I breathe, I realize that I am here I am alive, and there is no need to make more out of it and to simply be here and LIVE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in a constant state of anxiety/fear as my experience while preparing my future in my thoughts all the time and how to live, instead of living here in each breathe.

When and as I am in fear/anxiety – I stop, I breathe – I check myself and what is it that I am preparing myself for to LIVE and why and to launch a full detailed self-investigation and to deconstruct the mind and what I am participating within in the moment and to bring myself back to the Physical in each breathe though understanding that what I am experiencing is NEVER real and just made up.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to LIVE, to be here as breathe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see that I have been stuck in my thoughts and my experience of myself as fear/anxiety as a result of the thoughts I have about living and what I want to live instead of being here as breathe alive/living.

When and as I see myself thinking and being in thoughts about the next moment/second or further into the future about what I want to live and how and where and when and why, I stop, I breathe – I realize that this isn’t living but just me creating fear/anxiety and a prison for myself to not live but only to protect self-interest and limitations as one’s own mind/ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find comfort within the fear/anxiety, within the belief that the fear/anxiety as the result of the thoughts I have are keeping me save. Not seeing and realizing that they are actually keeping me a prisoner of my own mind.

When and as I see myself creating fear through participating within thoughts from the belief that I am doing this to keep myself save, I stop, I breathe - I realize that I am creating the fear/anxiety and thus the problem within myself first, and thus once I have created the problem as the fear/anxiety within myself, that all I can see outside myself are problems as everything I see and do will be from the point of fear – instead of physical considerations and practicality in common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to LIVE a definition of the word live – where the definition is built on fear and limitation within the mind as the thoughts/feelings/emotions I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word LIVE as something that has to happen within fear/anxiety and constant thoughts/feelings/emotions existing within self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Define the word LIVE from what I experience within myself as the thoughts/feelings/emotions I have within the belief that I can only live and be alive if I am experiencing something – does not matter if it’s negative or positive.

When and as I see that I am within an positive/negative experience of myself within the Idea/belief that this energy within me means I am alive, I stop, I breathe – I realize that this experience within me is actually indicating that I am not alive and just a robot reacting on the input given to me through electrical circuits within my body coming from the input I receive from outside of myself as stimulation, instead of me directing each moment as a living being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach an IDEA to the definition of the word LIVE - that LIVING must be a positive experience, otherwise I am not living.

When and as I find myself telling myself that I am alive when and as I am in a positive experience of myself, I stop, I breathe, I see and realize that this is me bullshitting myself as I know its just energy and will wear off and then what?? I am dead lol. – seeing and realizing that I am alive and living when I am here breathing and not dependent on any energy to give me a high or a low as an experience, simply hold my breath for ten seconds and see what matters the most. Energy or a single breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the idea that LIVING must be a positive experience and as long as I am not positive I am not alive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to LIMIT myself within defining living as something that must be positive or negative, seeing and realizing that if I redefine living to a physical practical doing as who I am in each breathe and not as something where I seek Energy, then I am alive and always living and all that’s required for me is to determine myself in each moment and who I am as the directive principle instead of waiting or depending on an experience to decide for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to EXPECT a certain Idea about myself to become real first before I can say I am alive and living, seeing and realizing that this Idea/expectation will always change in time and never be what I seek in the moment and thus I am creating a state of depression for myself – instead of living here in each breathe within what’s HERE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not LIVE in each breathe as each breath’s support in the physical that’s not dependent on an experience but a physical application and movement.

Day 392 – Success within writing Daily, the Ego exposed.

My first point on this topic took place on Day 10

It has been Five Days since I write a Blog, I have been busy and I have been tired, Yet I have had MORE than enough time after getting some rest, to write a blog. 

The secret reason for not writing or that I have been postponing writing for the past five days, Is because I had a moment with Leila where we were doing word re-definition on the word Yes. 

I have come to some REAL feedback within where I stand within writing and how I have pushed myself within writing. 

And doing the Writing and the Self forgiveness and the commitment statements with Leila I was able to see how awesome Leila is within her word placement, and being specific and following structure within how she places the words, and what hit me the most was That Leila could see what I could not see. This ended up being the obvious.

Within that moment of that observation, I Judged myself as being less then, and within this I have placed myself back two steps within myself, instead of breathing and taking one step forward through learning and correcting myself. 

I was also hit hard by how way more specific Leila was within her words because she actually knew many words to describe for instance one thing but with different angels to it, where I had only that one word dimension. 

I felt down and heavy, like pressure on my chest, I also within this judge every single thing  have ever written as NOT good enough, because of what I have seen now that could be possible through simple things such as writing and actually looking/seeing what I am writing and focusing on all dimensions on what I am writing. 

So I have been not writing for the past five days and I have been postponing facing ME/Myself within my writing, because now that I have seen what is possible, I know I cannot go back to how I did writing, and the resistance is to actually push myself within my writing to go there, to be that, to live that has to be walked through.

One of my Ego problems is that I do not like to ask for help, so I have been looping within this exact same point within writing for a very long time.

I told Leila about this point within writing and what I am facing, and we discussed the point, we came to an agreement that I write my Blog every day and send it to her for a check.

I am also not disregarding my improvements, I have definitely improved within writing and within reading and I have definitely changed a lot within and through writing. I am now at the next step that needs to be taken which I have been postponing because of a Ego point, a fear of asking for help and admitting I am stuck.

I have been stuck for a long time and I knew that by asking for help I would not be stuck, but instead I as the ego pretended to be okay and to continue on the same path. 

So My writing within my Journey to Life Blogs has been a success, I have through every day writing and placing myself in words visible to all, exposed myself day after day, I have written proof that I cannot hide from that I have been accepting and allowing as the ego. And here I have had enough. 

I am ready to help myself through asking and accepting and allowing help to be given.