Day 357 – Writing about who I am within Writing Part 2

Day 355 - Self-Hatred and writing Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Judge myself for how I write before and while I write. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Judge myself as being pathetic for how I place my sentences and words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as worthless for how I write and place my sentences and the vocabulary I use and the spelling mistakes I make. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be harsh on myself for how I write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see and realize that the problem I am facing within writing is also my solution, seeing and realizing that as I have the problem of how I write and the vocabulary I use and the spelling mistakes I make is only revealing to me what I must focus on to change instead of Judging myself, seeing and realizing that as I keep on judging myself and creating self-hatred within my self-judgments towards myself, That I am  within that always rushing my writing to avoid having to face my writing as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid the blatant obvious truth of my writing, that my writing is in fact reflecting and showing me to myself in actual detail. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see that when and as I write that I am rushing myself, thus I am unable to focus and to be specific within my writing within my vocabulary and within my sequencing and words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I rush my writing that I am attempting to keep up with the mind, instead of breathing and slowing down and remaining within what is here and to write what is here as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that when and as I am writing and rushing and making all the mistakes and never getting to correct myself within the space and time that is here that the problems will always remain and be the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that how I write is a reflection of how I live and that is a reflection of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that when and as I write fast and in a attempt to grab all the information at once that I will make lots of spelling mistakes and that I will lose focus and the sequence and that I will live this in everything I do within my life, as I am creating myself daily within writing and thus what I write and how I write is who I am creating myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the point of self-hatred is created by self, trough repeated mistakes and accumulated energies that I do not correct or stop to take real self-responsibility for, through taking the actual actions to correction and eventually self-perfection. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breathe effectively when and as I am writing to be aware of each word and how I type each word and how I place each word as myself.

To be continued.

Day 356 – Self-hatred and writing. Part 1

How do I start this sentence, this is the first question that pops up, I want to write about the point yet I am still within the point I want to write about.

I created self-hatred the moment I did not know how to start writing, how to place the experience and the specifics as I see them in words, into sentences and structures and frequencies. 

I created the self-hatred based on a Immediate self-judgment I made in the moment, it isn’t even words in my head that is judging, it is the entire beingness of myself, it is a self-definition.

I see that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the judgment, the judgment being that of “I Gian Robberts a male born in 1990/04/04 in Johannesburg cannot write”. 

That is the self-definition, It is within and as me imprinted into my flesh as if it will never be unchangeable, I have identified myself AS it.

This self-judgment comes a long way, a very long way, it comes from school and starts at home, and I have used this self-definition as SO many justification and reasons and ways to manipulate and to Identify myself with within groups and with certain people and my environment’s to the extent that it has helped me throughout my life to protect my self-interest/survival, so I never wanted to change it. 

Now that I am writing and now that I have been educated on how important it is to be able to read and to write, the ignorance has been broken and I have started facing myself from all the many years of missing the opportunities and ways that I could have spent my time on learning to read and to write effectively and all the self-hatred I have created within myself towards myself from making those decisions back then.

I am now twenty three years old, I am going to be a Father soon, and I am still struggling with reading and writing effectively, I use spell-check way too much, when I read my own work after I wrote it, I feel stupid and I create more layers of self-hatred, I could have red a thousand books by now throughout my life with all the opportunities I had, et I have probably only red about four till the end. Some half-way. And a lot of newspapers and magazines and stuff like on Facebook, but they don’t really challenge or expand anything. 

Within all the blogs I have written thus far I have developed a new skill of myself within my writings, I must say: If it wasn’t for the Journey to Life or Desteni I would never ever in my life have cared about writing or give a shit about myself and challenge my limitations and walk through the fears.

So there is improvement, there is writing in the first place, it is happening and I am continuing, I would like to continue on all the previous blogs I have written already and where I have said, to be continued. but never have/did, I saw this pattern growing more and more where I do that, because I have now seen the point that was moving me, the self-hatred, every time after I wrote a blog I would read it and I would hate myself for writing it and sounding like shit and the way it is laid out and then I would say to be continued in the hope that tomorrow I will have better words or be less tired and write it better, yet that isn’t the problem and to never go back because I have connected this self-hatred point to that blog and like I am unable to write on it, continue on it.

So I have to remove this self-hatred from my life, I hate myself on more than one level, I hate myself on many levels, and I know why, I see the dimensions of it all, I see the exact points I participate within that supports self-hatred, I see the patterns, I have been with Desteni for 5 years, yet they are so prominent within who I have defined myself to be I simply keep them as Gian.

Self-hatred as I see how I participate within it comes from the mind (obviously) because within the mind I have Ideas/beliefs/opinions of myself and from others about what Is expected or how it is supposed to be/sound/look etc., and every time I do something and it does not match the ideas/beliefs/opinions within my mind I Immediate hate myself for it.

Many can relate to this self-hatred point quite easily – we all see pictures in the magazines and on TV of these sexy males and females that is fit and strong and can do all these awesome things and all the good cloths fit them and they look so comfortable and confident etc., and the moment we do not look those parts, we create self-hatred, and then we take on some form of diet or exercise classed to get in shape, but it is done from the starting point of self-hatred, and the more we do not react or look the part even after a lot of work, the self-hatred keeps on growing, it keeps on coming, never seeing the achievements already here.

As I am facing my point on writing/reading included, I have had the opportunities, I have the opportunities still – But I have given the energy and the mind and the silent secret back chat all choice and decisions over my life so I did not even see that I gave up on myself to improve, I simply kept on writing within the ominous atmostfear guided by self-hatred believing it is normal to experience every time I write. 

To be continued.

Day 355 – Mirage of Self Part 5

 Day 352 - Mirage of self Part 4

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Make how I look and how I present myself to always be for others, instead of making it for myself and who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Dress according to what other people like and only what other people like, and to disregard myself and what I can decide I like and what is comfortable with my body, - (outside of the work place for practical purposes).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use cloths to create a mirage of myself, instead of using cloths for the practical purposes only such as when I am at work, or when I am at home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only care about what I am wearing once I have gotten feedback from others on what they accept and allow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only wear clothes or walk a certain way or to stand in a certain position once I have gotten acceptance and allowance form others that it is all fitting an image and likeness of the mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Believe that the way I am living currently where I have to dress myself only according to what other people are accepting and allowing or where I can walk and talk and act certain ways only when others are accepting and allowing it, and that who I am is always less then, or that who I am naturally is always a fuck up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the way I dress and the way I walk and talk and how I behave around certain people all comes from what I have been taught within my first seven years of my life, through observing and through actually being forced into certain scenarios and events where behaviors and manner and ways or walking and talking and dressing is a custom so to say, and that through all these events I have come to create multiple mirages to give forth to people what I want them to believe/think of me, instead of who I am as the physical where I dress and where I walk and talk and behave because I have self-respect/self/honor and that the way I dress and walk and talk is always supporting the physical and practical and supporting my body instead of an image and likeness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I must be a different person, or simply give forth a mirage of myself depending on where I am and with who I am, seeing and realizing that this in the long term will have schizophrenia effects on me as I am training my body through my mind to split itself a lot into many mirages for many different events and people etc.

To be continued.

Day 354 - In the minds Of Demons – men Part 1

Have you ever been in a group of men where the talk is cheap and big, the talking leads to all roads and all of the imagination comes out to play, the words flow and the mouth gets dry, they energy is also high.

They are possessed, I am standing and breathing, I have no words for what is happening, how is this normal or acceptable, I am shocked and stunned. I am sick to my belly.

Three men talking, two of which have no boundaries before their mouths, they spill disgust and filth from their mouths about the female, they make comments of brutal imagery, justified by the reasons of their minds, the back chat that accumulated, they push the boundaries to how to best punish a women for but only speaking back at them, they bring in gestures of rape, they even place the how and the when and they even give the Idea that it is funny, it is something to laugh about, what they are saying.

I am standing on the side, they bring me in, they say we will get Him to do the raping for us, YES it is a great idea, let Him do it, he looks like he will be able to do it best, they laugh and they joke, I get furious, I breathe, I realize my reaction is of separation, wanting to be better than them, yet what I realize of myself in that moment does not stop me from bringing in common sense.

I stand and I say, you read the shit you speak in the newspapers every day, you are disgusted by what you read and you wonder why the world is so evil, yet here you are giving me a graphic script playout of how you yourself will do the exact thing you read and hate to read every day in the newspaper or see on the TV. 

How are you now any different, you even give me your back chat and reasons for why you will rape a women you know, it is even worse then what I read and see on the TV, I saw you as a man of respect and Honor, I took you for a different person, Now I see I have fooled myself to believe any man is different, even the ones I have judged as good hearted, I see here in front of my eyes, easily letting his tongue speak of raping a women he knows as a friend and how he laugh’s it off. 

I have brought silence to the demons, they are thinking and they are busy in their heads, they see how they have De manned themselves, they will for a while still pretend it is a joke, just to not show they are humiliated, that they have for a moment reflected themselves back to themselves. 

I stand also in silence, I have no idea/way of what to make of what just happened, it was so quick, it was so instant, the Joke I mean, I was scared for a moment to, not of the moment but of what they have accepted and allowed within themselves as normal, and how easy it was to just slip out, how one man’s tongue became another man’s tongue, as if they were speaking the same tongue, they agree on raping as if it a normal thing, they agreed on brutal suggestions as if it was funny, they spoke of another as if the other isn’t a living being. 

What if there was more, what if there was five or four, what if the group agreed on actually taking plan, as I have seen they all simply agree to the one they perceive has the perfect reason/justification and makes it sound like it is something they will do as a favor for the entire nation.

My eyes opened to see, that I have judged people within my mind and placed them all in categories of who I believe is different and who isn’t, who is good and who is bad, and that this was and is a lie, all men is capable of all things, it is all here one and equal for all as it is what we fear.

time to get real, we need change before the wrong things become real.

To be continued.

Day 353 – Less Play more Time, then where is my time.

I have stopped Playing games for a long time now, at least a year, I have stopped listening to Music as I used to, like always having it in my ears compared to now listening to music when I hear it from somewhere else maybe, I have stopped watching consistent series/movies as I used to like every day, compared to now once a day, one episode here or a movie once a week.

I stopped all these distraction as I saw I used them as distractions to hide or to avoid or for any reason really. So that I can get myself back here and get down to business/work the real stuff happening.

YET, I am encountering a very strange thing, I have stopped ALL these things that I used to spend HOURES on and even days to have all those hours and all those Days free for myself to apply myself in alignment with what is here and what needs to be done. Yet I haven’t reached a single thing that I wanted to do instead of doing all those distractions.

Sure I am working 11 hours a day, sure that is a lot of time, sure I do not have all the time left I used to have, but according to the evidence, I still spend more time playing games for instance, listening to music, or watching 5 episodes of a series in a row.

So what has been happening in that TIME that I used to use and that is now literally open for discussion to what can and could have and should happen in that time. – well Nothing.

I surely haven’t been taking naps, I haven’t been laying around on the couches, I haven’t been just sitting in a chair for hours, or cooking every night, NO I haven’t been doing that much every night after work, I basically do my basics such as eat, shower, go on a chat if I have one, check my email, check the news, go out of the room every hour or so, then write a blog just before eleven and post it.

What I would like to add to that list is – I transcribed some Desteni material, I made a Youtube Video, I red some posts and document on Desteni forums or Equal Life Foundation or Equal Money System websites, I would like to add to that List that I have done some other form of writing besides my own blog.

Those are the exact reasons why I stopped all the other distractions (that was distraction for me), yet I still haven’t gotten to them.

It is quite simple really, once I look at all the evidence of myself, the extra time I created for myself and that I do have, is wasted within Back chat, thinking, imagination, all those moments of 5min here and three minutes there and 10 minutes over here quickly, thinking or back chatting, counts up to an hour or even two hours.

BAM there all my time is lost, gone and wasted forever. I missed all the windows of opportunities; I fucked myself back into yesterday so to say.

The back chat I face the most is back chat that leads to – Should I, or Should I not, Can I or can I not, am I allowed to or am I not allowed to.

This is what it leads to, like I am waiting for someone higher to tell me what I can and can not do, if I am able to do it or not, should I do it or not, it is a back and forth tennis game, and the interesting part is, I always decide NO, or I force myself into the point of not being able to. to not to be able to do it though the time spend in back chat.

So I decide No and someone else must decide Yes for me, yet I am the only one in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not use the time I have effectively within deciding yes or no and to then do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for the right circumstances before I will decide yes to do something such as reading or making a video.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to occupy myself within back chat of “should I or should I not” and to always force my time to not being able to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not take myself there and to Do it in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to force myself to do things, instead of doing the things that is “natural”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I want to read or to make a video that I will have to force myself, seeing and realizing that I am not breathing effectively within relaxing and self-intimacy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the points and to Know how to solve the points and what I can do and should do and to never do it, and to not live it, and to constantly create this exact points over and over and end up with self-hatred.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for not breathing through the points and walking them as myself and to see where the road not taken leads.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my own suffering within myself and within my own time loops and to then pity myself on them, instead of standing up and walking and breathing and stopping the bullshit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create self-disappointment within myself through knowingly not walking the points that I see I accept and allow within my daily application, and to then make my time loop a point of self-pity, where I make myself believe that I am suffering because of this time loop and thus I am stuck and cannot get out, seeing and realizing that I use the self-pity as a way of manipulating myself and others to justify why I am not standing up and not walking the physical points of self-application effectively to change who I am and to what I do to bring about a world that is best for all.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am within and as the Believe that I am suffering, that I am having such a hard life, to stop and to breathe, to within my realization that it is self-pity I am participating within, as a way of manipulating myself and others, to not to have to do more, or move myself.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am participating within self-pity, to stop and to breathe and to see that I am participating within accumulated back chat of self believe, and thus it isn’t real, and that I must breathe and make a decision on my next move and do it, and to not play games of sorrow and self-pity with myself to manipulate myself to only then make a decision once I have confuse the shit out of myself to have a justification to why I did not move or direct myself effectively within what is best for all lie, or to bring about a world that is best for all life.

Day 352 – Mirage of self, Part 4

As a Kid, I was taught how to behave when I am in certain people’s presence, I was taught and shown how to behave when I am for instance with family members, or with other people such as strangers, and I was taught how to behave specifically with certain people within the family, like with my grandparents I had very specific manners and words I had to use and not use.

So I can see that I have been raised from childhood to give forth a image and that giving forth an image is more important than being yourself and enjoying yourself.

I was taught to not run and to play and to do things when and as I am with other people I do not know, I was taught to use good words/language and not to say the naughty words and to only be kind and polite, to not be honest and straight forward, because I might hurt the other peoples feeling or that I might disrespect them.

I was taught that I am not allowed to wear clothes that I am comfortable in but rather that I must wear clothes that are acceptable and nice looking for others.

Here I am looking at what I was taught within my first seven years, as I can recall some memories of events that occurred where this was imprinted as an experience, yet the actual teaching of it all happened in subtle moments, it happened within direct actions of the parents, where there was no choice, because the cloths was bought or me, I never decided on it, so within that very action I was already dressed as only being an Image and an Likeness, someone that must be presented as an Image and be liked as an image.

This is how I have been raised, yet there was those moments when I had cloths that I enjoyed and that was comfortable and that I could play within and be “Me” so to say, yet I have a memory of when such a moment was taken away from me because the cloths I was wearing that I enjoyed and that was comfortable was to Old and ugly and it was looking dirty and it was ripped on certain spots, so it wasn’t presenting a Image that is liked by others.

I see within my growing up, my first seven years that it was all about OTHER people, and that everything I do must be for other people, how I look must be for other people, how I speak and what I speak must be for other people, not within consideration of other people, that is a different story, it was to NOT speak as myself as being direct and honest and open, it was to HIE all the real stuff and keep it locked in and just look a certain way and present myself a certain way.

So why did I have to look a certain way and present myself a certain way when I was but only a young kid, because the parents believed that the kid looking good and presenting themselves good means they are good parents. Lol.

It was never even done for ME, it was and has always been for self-interest, the starting point was always for the self-interest of the parents themselves and their image and likeness, and now it is forced onto me as an image and likeness, and this is how I have learned to become a mirage, a presentation, instead of actually developing myself as a actual living being, where it isn’t necessary to hide fear, but to instead literally have no fear.
To be Continued.

Day 351 - Mirage of self Part 3

Day 349 - Mirage of self Part 1
Day 350 - Mirage of self Part 2

How did I create the thoughts/feeling/emotions within me in relation to the mirage of myself, what was it in my past that I believed that I need to have a mirage.

As I have seen for myself, thoughts/feelings/emotions does not just come from no where, they are first created through an experience, a physical event that takes place within the physical, where the mind then on a quantum mind level take all the information and store it within the physical, and thus creating a memory, as it is always in relation to survival.

So I see that the mind as consciences creates memories through events that have a experience added to it, then this experience becomes the thoughts/feelings/emotions, because the thoughts are like a trigger button, when and as the thought come up the motions/feelings comes next that then charges the mind consciences system and thus have behaviors in and as the physical.

so looking at my behaviors when and as I am within a Mirage of myself I can trace back the thoughts/feelings/emotions and thus find the origin point as the memories.

I see and realize that the memories will be of multiple layers as I simply create more and more memories daily as I am living as this mirage within and as the constant experience that triggers the thoughts and thus the behavior.

I do not see the memories and thus I am going to start with looking at what is here, and this is the behavior and the thoughts and the feelings and the emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present myself as Strong and stable within my physical posture when and as I am around other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Behave within my movements and my stance and the way I talk as the opposite of what I experience within me, seeing and realizing that when and as i behave as the opposite of that which exist within me that I am validating the inner experience/reality of myself as real and to have dominance over me and my behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to behave confident as speaking louder and moving faster and creating a pretending smile on my face to give the impression of confidence being present, when and as I am actually just giving a mirage of myself, seeing and realizing that within such behavior I am creating a polarity of what it means to be confident and what means not to be confident, and thus when and as i am not speaking louder and moving faster and having a smile on my face that it must mean I can not or should not or am not confident, yet it is all defined as such through my own definitions that I created through participating within such behaviors.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give forth that I am able to do anything within my behavior as being that which i desire to be of what i have seen within my reality from others behaviors as what behaviors means such as No fear and having self confidence and being strong and so forth, and thus only becoming a picture presentation of that as I have only seen it as pictures and interpreted it as what it was given forth to be, instead of becoming fearless and building self confidence in fact as who I am, seeing and realizing that I did it from a survival starting point, instead of a self creation point as who I am within what is best for all life.

To be continued.

Day 350 - Mirage of self Part 2

Day 349 - Mirage of self Part 1

reading Bernard Blog from today, I red about how it is pointless so to say writing and doing self forgiveness on point where I only keep on doing self forgiveness or writing in response to emotions and feelings an thoughts that I experience and that is within me, because the thoughts and the feelings/emotions is already a product so to say of something else.

And it was said within common sense that if one do not understand the creation process of the thoughts/feelings emotions then how can one possibly understand thoughts/feeling and emotions and so in return stop them.

Because I see that if and when I only do self forgiveness on the emotions/feelings and thoughts the whole time without fully understanding how I created them that I am within such actions accepting and allowing the thoughts to still be ME, when they are not me.

But to understand that the thoughts and the feelings/emotions are not me I have to obviously first understand how they are created and how I have created them, unless I do not understand the creation process of the thoughts/feelings/emotions I have I will always accept and allow them to be apparently me.

So how do I understand how I created and create thoughts/feelings/emotions and accept and allow them as me, as a believe of myself, as a religion of myself.

I am bringing this point that I have realized from Bernard's blog into this blog on the current topic of the mirage of myself, because I saw that I was doing this point once again as a response to the thoughts/feelings/emotions that I already have had and accepted and allowed as myself, and thus confirming to myself that I do not understand yet how I have created them. Did I even create them? Why did I create them? How did I create them, that is the one I will focus on, the how.

I want to use this topic, this blog and the blogs to come on the mirage of self to make it clear for myself, to give to myself the understanding,, to really get this point clear, I can obviously not do it on myself, I will listen to interviews that is in-relation to the point at hand of thoughts/feelings.emotions creation and accordingly apply myself,