Day 354 - In the minds Of Demons – men Part 1

Have you ever been in a group of men where the talk is cheap and big, the talking leads to all roads and all of the imagination comes out to play, the words flow and the mouth gets dry, they energy is also high.

They are possessed, I am standing and breathing, I have no words for what is happening, how is this normal or acceptable, I am shocked and stunned. I am sick to my belly.

Three men talking, two of which have no boundaries before their mouths, they spill disgust and filth from their mouths about the female, they make comments of brutal imagery, justified by the reasons of their minds, the back chat that accumulated, they push the boundaries to how to best punish a women for but only speaking back at them, they bring in gestures of rape, they even place the how and the when and they even give the Idea that it is funny, it is something to laugh about, what they are saying.

I am standing on the side, they bring me in, they say we will get Him to do the raping for us, YES it is a great idea, let Him do it, he looks like he will be able to do it best, they laugh and they joke, I get furious, I breathe, I realize my reaction is of separation, wanting to be better than them, yet what I realize of myself in that moment does not stop me from bringing in common sense.

I stand and I say, you read the shit you speak in the newspapers every day, you are disgusted by what you read and you wonder why the world is so evil, yet here you are giving me a graphic script playout of how you yourself will do the exact thing you read and hate to read every day in the newspaper or see on the TV. 

How are you now any different, you even give me your back chat and reasons for why you will rape a women you know, it is even worse then what I read and see on the TV, I saw you as a man of respect and Honor, I took you for a different person, Now I see I have fooled myself to believe any man is different, even the ones I have judged as good hearted, I see here in front of my eyes, easily letting his tongue speak of raping a women he knows as a friend and how he laugh’s it off. 

I have brought silence to the demons, they are thinking and they are busy in their heads, they see how they have De manned themselves, they will for a while still pretend it is a joke, just to not show they are humiliated, that they have for a moment reflected themselves back to themselves. 

I stand also in silence, I have no idea/way of what to make of what just happened, it was so quick, it was so instant, the Joke I mean, I was scared for a moment to, not of the moment but of what they have accepted and allowed within themselves as normal, and how easy it was to just slip out, how one man’s tongue became another man’s tongue, as if they were speaking the same tongue, they agree on raping as if it a normal thing, they agreed on brutal suggestions as if it was funny, they spoke of another as if the other isn’t a living being. 

What if there was more, what if there was five or four, what if the group agreed on actually taking plan, as I have seen they all simply agree to the one they perceive has the perfect reason/justification and makes it sound like it is something they will do as a favor for the entire nation.

My eyes opened to see, that I have judged people within my mind and placed them all in categories of who I believe is different and who isn’t, who is good and who is bad, and that this was and is a lie, all men is capable of all things, it is all here one and equal for all as it is what we fear.

time to get real, we need change before the wrong things become real.

To be continued.

Day 70 – The Personality Suit Part 5 – Joker - Behavior 4

Joking – making everyone laugh, or sometimes only you and your friends and making someone else feel shit, or just joking the whole time in communication with others to hide that what you said even though you meant it.

This is the point I am taking on within my behavior as part of my personality suit that I wear when I am communicating with people about things and I will throw in that quick joke, or say something that is serious and then after wards say – Haha just joking, it is a sign of insecurity and not being able to stand by what I said and instead make it a joke, not to have to face the seriousness of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself as a joker within conversation as my behavior and words will always be that of impressing people and making them laugh.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I have identified myself as a joker within my behavior and conversations because I do not trust myself within conversations and thus I make jokes to hide the fact that I am insecure. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I judge myself as Les than others within conversations and that I can not participate in the debates/conversation equally and thus I turn to making jokes the whole time in my words and behavior against or towards the conversations to make the conversation seem less and stupid so that the attention is driven away from me feeling insecure to making the other people of the majority that will laugh at the jokes also judge the conversations as stupid and useless so that I can remain within my insecurities and self judgments and never have to challenge myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when I make jokes in conversations I am avoiding the conversation and directing the attention towards me away from the conversation, realizing that I do this in order to not to have to participate within the conversation because of self judgment as not being capable of participating in the conversation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge making jokes in conversations, realizing that it is the starting point and who I am within doing it, if the joke is specific and has purpose as that which is self honest and best for all life then that is what it is, if there is anything hidden such as fear/self judgment/insecurities it is best to stop and breathe and to see what the point is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make life a joke in fear of having to take what is here serious and facing myself as that as what I have created equally within this world and within me as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use joking as a way to hide.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to joke to hide.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a joker in the fear of people taking what I say personal, and thus making it a joke and laughing at it makes it not serious and thus no one takes me serious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to joke when I am under stress and do not know how to handle it, instead of breathing and being here as breathe realizing that I do not have to handle stress and stress is unnecessary and thus I do not need to stress but breathe. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am confronted by someone or something to make a joke out of it to not have to take self responsibility for my actions as the personality suit I have created for myself on how to handle life, realizing that I am actually not handling life as I need to joke about it, indicating I cant handle life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create me as a joker as part of a personality suit that I wear that is a consistent reminder and confirmation to myself that I will always be limited as me insecurities/judgments and be subject to them, realizing that I can stop the joker personality and breathe and face what I have created and accepted and allowed to exist within me and to take practical common sense steps to improve and better myself as that which is best for all life in all ways.

I commit myself to when I see I want to make a joke within a conversation to stop and breathe and to see what is behind the joke, to investigate “who i am” within the joke and to instead of joking as to get attention to re-direct the attention off the topic/conversation that I judge or feel less than. 

I commit myself to when I see I make jokes and to act out as the funny guy in moments, to breathe and to stop any energy movement and to look within myself as to why I ma doing it, and to write and self forgive the inner points such as fear/insecurities/self judgments/self beliefs etc and to stand and change and to stop hiding and accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within my participation in what is here.

I commit myself to when I see I am going into a joking mind to look at what activated the joking mode within me, and to when I see what it is to not accept and allow it to direct me and to instead correct myself in and as breathe within practically correcting myself in the moment with my behavior as that which is best for all life as myself and to stop all form of self accepted and allowed limitations.

Day 6 - Joking to hide

When I joke around with in saying something to someone, I find that behind the joke is a bit of insecurity, a fear, not wanting to face conflict, and that the joke is to make it lighter and a save place for me to say, I was only joking. Then why did I say it at all?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make jokes when I feel that I might say something to someone that they might find personal and react to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use joking as a way to feel save for what I am saying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use joking as a way to be liked and not to be hated for what I say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say I was only joking once I see that what I said or did was taken personally by someone and thus I feared conflict and used joking to escape the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use joking as a way to escape a situation of conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use joking to hide my insecurities when I am confronted or when I am confronting someone about a point, thus compromising myself and the other being in not having clear directive communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to joke around when I actually intend to be serious, sabotaging myself in being open and direct and allowing everything to be clear and understood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself with in joking a round in situations that required clear direction because I feel insecure about me giving direction as the director of a team/project etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make simple communication points more difficult for myself and others through joking around and confusing the information with jokes added in between.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself as a joker and thus I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that the only way I can handle conflict and situations if through joking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that it is to late for me to change from being a joker to being me here in each breathe, because I belief that others have and has only accepted me as a joker by now through time and can only accept me as that, as a joker and thus I must cont9nue with it like a pre programmed robot that is stuck on one play out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that what I have accepted and allowed in the past as me,a s what I have create myself as, as a joker can not be undone as I have already allowed this identity to be so in the eyes of my world and thus change will now only make me have no friends and no one to hang out with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that if I have friends or people to hang out with just because I have to stay as one personality, or as a personality in general for them to accept me and hang out with me, then the friendship isn't real or worth keeping in the first place as it is based on limitation and compromise/self sabotage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest a personality of being a joker, a guy that is funny and entertaining to be all that I can be through thinking and believing that it is the only way, realizing that I can stop and change myself at any time when I make a simply decision, and that what happens from there on as consequences will have to happen and that I created it as myself as my reality and now have to walk through it in self honesty and to stop the patterns of self sabotage and compromise and start living s that which is best for all life in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to such a limited way of life a a personality that has to always repeat itself to be accepted and to gain recognition for its existence, implying it isn't really real as it requires recognition lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a whole personality in relation to joking just to hide my fears, insecurities, instead of facing them and changing myself through working with he points in simple steps of writing, taking self responsibility and self forgiveness with in self honesty in a short period of time, instead of living with it till death always in hiding.

Commitments.

I commit myself to stop joking in situations where I can see conflict may arise, and to breathe and face the situation as myself in the moment. with in self honesty and the principal of that which is best for all.

I commit myself to write and do self forgiveness when ever I see that I have accepted and allowed the point of joking to play out, till the point is clear and I can be in situation where I can stand in clarity, to be direct and to not sabotage myself or the other beings.

I commit myself to stopping this pattern with in breathing, writing and self forgiveness, using the tools that I have to stop my robotic behaviors that I have accepted and allowed as unchangeable and to take self responsibility for my actions and situations. 

Behavior and programming of the human see - Virus Free Mind by Bernard Poolman