Day 354 - In the minds Of Demons – men Part 1

Have you ever been in a group of men where the talk is cheap and big, the talking leads to all roads and all of the imagination comes out to play, the words flow and the mouth gets dry, they energy is also high.

They are possessed, I am standing and breathing, I have no words for what is happening, how is this normal or acceptable, I am shocked and stunned. I am sick to my belly.

Three men talking, two of which have no boundaries before their mouths, they spill disgust and filth from their mouths about the female, they make comments of brutal imagery, justified by the reasons of their minds, the back chat that accumulated, they push the boundaries to how to best punish a women for but only speaking back at them, they bring in gestures of rape, they even place the how and the when and they even give the Idea that it is funny, it is something to laugh about, what they are saying.

I am standing on the side, they bring me in, they say we will get Him to do the raping for us, YES it is a great idea, let Him do it, he looks like he will be able to do it best, they laugh and they joke, I get furious, I breathe, I realize my reaction is of separation, wanting to be better than them, yet what I realize of myself in that moment does not stop me from bringing in common sense.

I stand and I say, you read the shit you speak in the newspapers every day, you are disgusted by what you read and you wonder why the world is so evil, yet here you are giving me a graphic script playout of how you yourself will do the exact thing you read and hate to read every day in the newspaper or see on the TV. 

How are you now any different, you even give me your back chat and reasons for why you will rape a women you know, it is even worse then what I read and see on the TV, I saw you as a man of respect and Honor, I took you for a different person, Now I see I have fooled myself to believe any man is different, even the ones I have judged as good hearted, I see here in front of my eyes, easily letting his tongue speak of raping a women he knows as a friend and how he laugh’s it off. 

I have brought silence to the demons, they are thinking and they are busy in their heads, they see how they have De manned themselves, they will for a while still pretend it is a joke, just to not show they are humiliated, that they have for a moment reflected themselves back to themselves. 

I stand also in silence, I have no idea/way of what to make of what just happened, it was so quick, it was so instant, the Joke I mean, I was scared for a moment to, not of the moment but of what they have accepted and allowed within themselves as normal, and how easy it was to just slip out, how one man’s tongue became another man’s tongue, as if they were speaking the same tongue, they agree on raping as if it a normal thing, they agreed on brutal suggestions as if it was funny, they spoke of another as if the other isn’t a living being. 

What if there was more, what if there was five or four, what if the group agreed on actually taking plan, as I have seen they all simply agree to the one they perceive has the perfect reason/justification and makes it sound like it is something they will do as a favor for the entire nation.

My eyes opened to see, that I have judged people within my mind and placed them all in categories of who I believe is different and who isn’t, who is good and who is bad, and that this was and is a lie, all men is capable of all things, it is all here one and equal for all as it is what we fear.

time to get real, we need change before the wrong things become real.

To be continued.

Reacting to "I must be Stupid - Day 284

Reacting - Revenge of the Ego Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as someone calls my name within the expectation of fear that I will be judged as lazy/pathetic/stupid or full of excuses, and to within this Get my Defense system up and ready as "backchat" that will come up.

So what have I noticed within that Self forgiveness statement, I see that I already have Judgments within me of being stupid/lazy/pathetic or a lot of excuses ABOUT things I am being lazy about or being full of excuses about or being pathetic and where I still accept and allow stupidity within me as not correcting myself and this is MY self-dishonesty and it is always in relation to CURRENT events/situations and things going on, so when and as someone else calls me or talks to me I already have these points within me that I am trying to hide where I am being dishonest towards myself, and so I react when someone may just push those points, even if they are not aware of them at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I am always the one judging me in my head as being stupid, seeing and realizing that I judge myself as stupid because I am well aware of my weaknesses such as reading/writing and remembering things and that I am not doing anything to correct me within the point, thus when someone else acts/behaves/speak towards me that make it seem like they are judging me as stupid I feel threatened and thus go into reaction as to protect my weakness and not have to face myself as my own self dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as i feel threatened to be exposed as what I am accepting and allowing of myself as being stupid and that I am not correcting myself to React as a fight or flight mechanism to defend my weakness. Instead of seeing and realizing that I have to change who I am within the point of feeling stupid through actually physically improving my skills and abilities within reading/writing/understanding and comprehending things through doing those things daily till I am effective and confident within myself to do it as who I am as a expression of myself and not to do it from the starting point of fear - as fearing to be seen as stupid because then I will never be good enough as the fear will always make everything I do seem small and like nothing as the mind will fuck with me if I give it power over me as energy and thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I will never be able to read something and remember it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately not remember what I have red

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as someone is showing me how to do something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Intemperate someone showing me how to do something as them thinking I am Stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stupid when and as someone is showing me how to do something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Get angry at other people when and as they show me something because I judge myself as being stupid for not knowing already.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Judge myself as being Stupid and inferior to others for not knowing something already.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Belief that I must react and defend myself when and as someone is showing me how to do something where I make myself feel stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stupid when and as someone shows me how to do something even after I have been doing the particular thing for years myself, and to then get angry at the other person because I take it as them making me small and as if I am stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself feel small and stupid and like I am useless when someone is showing me something that I must do within the belief that because of how long I have been doing it I do n to need help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react and to get possessed by ENERGY when and as someone is showing me something as a way to defend myself and to NOT to have to feel small, seeing and realizing that me feeling small as being stupid is only me experiencing it and thus it isn’t what is happening.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when and as someone is making me feel small or attempting to, that REACTING isn’t a justification to react and that I must breathe at all times and take myself through the reaction to the physical reality HERE and to apply and learn and grow.

Reacting - Revenge of the Ego - Day 283

How do I react, when I react I become possessed with energy, I lose all focus, my eyes literally starts to shake, I lose my words, I can’t think at all, I shake and my heart beats fast, I sometime (depends on the situation) become weak in my body, like there is no power in my body, I lose myself and I am taken over by energy.

This is me going into fight or flight mode, when and as I react, I feel/believe that what is happening is personal and attacking me and unfair, thus the fight or flight mode kicks in, I tend to go into fighting with words, but my words are lost, I am simply speaking my back chat, I am spreading energy and not making any common sense.

When and as I feel that I am loosing within the argument or the situation and I am reacting I make my voice louder, I start to scream even and I shake more and more, I fear what I might do, this fear then shuts my body down from being able to do anything, I am numb, I fear losing the “battle”, I must try and do something, the weakness in my body makes me feel even worse, sometimes I will even go into physical tendencies such as hitting a door or a pole to release/direct the energy within me to getout, to get rid of the possession but it only strengthens it. It is only making me angry; I am angry at myself for how I am handling the situation, this could have been avoided if only I did not take it personal and if I was breathing.

I feel it is to late, I now have to either completely give up what’s happening and lose or go all the way within the reaction just to feel I am not losing, I usually give up and I loose, because i can see where this might go, I fear where the reaction might go, I lose physical eye sight sometimes for a moment, I have no real recollection of what is happening or happened during the reaction afterwards, I feel ashamed and diminished, i feel that I have sold myself out.

The back chat after the reaction is clear, the thoughts and thinking running through my head, they show me what was the initial points that I was having back chat about before the reaction, and the thoughts and the justifications and the comparisons etc that builds up the inner conversations, then when and as the moment comes that I am faced with myself and I react, I re enact what I previously did in my mind into physical reality, which never works out and the energy takes over.

This is where I see how I create the reaction, and I see a practical way to “prevent” these situations and to not fall in the trap of energy.

I see that the reaction is taken personal, the reaction is existent because “personal” exist, so I look at what it is personally that I have Identified myself as, as living words that I have within me, that is of fear/separation, because it is those words that I have identified myself as that when I experience them I react. It is usually my Weaknesses.

I have Identified four words – Stupid, Pathetic, Lazy, excuses – these words are the words that I experience and React to, as I have created a fear towards these words that someone might Identify me as those words, only to discover that I have Identified myself as those words, and no matter how much work I do or how intelligent I become or how awesome I become or how I improve on those points, I am those words in my head – showing me that all the effort I do to get away from those words is in the starting point of fear, and when someone does something in my reality that might just make me seem/feel stupid/lazy/pathetic/ or full of excuses I react BIG time as the ego as the fear will try and defend and protect. Even if the other persons intention wasn’t that at all.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when someone asks me to do something that seem unfair.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within back chat and thoughts as comparisons of what I do and what I can do to others and to within this react when and as I see others aren’t doing or being willing to do what I do or can do and to then within my mind have secret conversations with myself where I make it all seem justifiable and self righteous .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to unfairness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create unfairness through comparing myself to others and what others do to myself and what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be a fair person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I am the only fair person on earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as fairness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize how I am setting up myself and reality for me to react through defining myself as fairness where everyone else will seem unfair to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value in what I do as oppose to what others do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and if they are moving as much sand as I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and if they can do as much digging as I can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself more in my own eyes because I can do more digging than others and to then hold it against others as if I am doing more and thus they are stupid and weak and un able to do real stuff.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do all the hard work from the starting point of now everyone else owns me something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dig and work as much as I can to make everyone else seem useless and weak so that I can always feel better about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to work hard within the intention of making everyone else seem like they are doing nothing within my eyes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do the things I do as physical work or work in front of the PC with the evil intent of seeing if anyone else is also doing it because I am and can do it so they must and therefore if they can’t do it as well they are lazy and weak and pathetic and lying and just plain full of excuses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as pathetic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as just full of excuses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as someone is saying something to me that makes me experience myself as pathetic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as someone says or do something towards me that make me experiences myself as pathetic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as someone says or do something towards me that make me experience myself as lazy, or as if I was being lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as someone says something to me that makes me experience myself as being full of excuses, or as if I haven’t been doing my best already.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I judge others as being lazy that I am just projecting my own fear of being seen as lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I judge others as being full of excuses that it is only me projecting my own fear of being seen as being full of excuses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I judge others as being pathetic that it is only me projecting my own fear as being seen judged as being pathetic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I judge others as being lazy that it is only my own fear as being seen as being lazy by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I judge someone else as being stupid that it is only my own fear of being seen judged as stupid that I project onto them, to make myself feel better.
To Be Continued.

Day 150 – Living Commitment – Day 21 of 21 – False Image Stability Final.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus so much on breathing that I started to focus on my breathing as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my breathing limited to a certain idea of breathing where I only breathe and do not live HERE in and as the physical where my breathe expands into al that is here as awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when I focus on my breathing within in me I compromise myself within interacting in my reality as the breathing becomes a Thought within me where I breathe in reaction to a thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I have made breathing an obsession where I breathe as the mind instead of breathing HERE as all that is here as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I walk around in my day to focus so much on breathing that I am not aware as my breath as all that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that when and as I make breathing my only focus then I cannot interact or be aware of LIFE HERE as breath as the breathe becomes internal instead of expanding me as life in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to breathe as a mind awareness instead of a physical one and equal breathe here.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I have created a breathing character as the mind, where I play the role of "I am focusing on breathing now" and that this role becomes the main characters only role and thus I see and realize I have trapped myself/limited myself to only play this role of "breathing" instead of breathing in fact here as a living expression of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make breathing role I must play, instead of breathing here as the physical naturally.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be so in fear of not breathing and having thoughts that I have become breath obsessed and within this literally only internalize my reality instead of expanding me in each breath as LIE here, where my in breathe is bring all LIFE here and my out breathe is me expanding myself into and as all LIFE one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when I focus on my breath internally I am only validating the breathe as having to work on the internal reality and thus never truly expand as LIFE as what is here in and as the physical in awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus my breathe only on breathing through mind possessions and internal energies and thoughts and stopping them, and through only doing this I have programmed and patterned my breathe to only function for this reason and so I will only breathe to work on the internal reality and never become aware of what is here as all life as I train my breathe to not be expansive but only limited to working with the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I have for so long focused on breathing just WITHIN me that my breath has become a inner reality anticipating the next inner conflict, and thus I see and realize that I have only been breathing and literally trained my breathe to only anticipate the mind and the energetic experiences, instead of moving from the mind as the breathe expanding me here as life as the physical where the breath is not longer subject to only be a function of working through mind fucks, but to be here as LIFE where a mind fuck is simply a breathe to stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that as I walk everyday all day only breathing to get through points that I am only telling my body that I am breathing only to work through the same patterns every day, instead of training my breathe HERE out of the mind in and as the physical in actual awareness of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my breathe through being so focused on stopping my inner reality that I have not considered to actually breathe here as the physical reality, and thus the compromise is me breathing inward instead of outwards as all life only re-creating the inner reality as the breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a negative energy experience to breathing as I have only used my breathe to work on stopping the mind and everything I have judged as the mind as negative and bad and wrong, and so I have also judged the breathing as a implication of I must be in the wrong now as I need to focus on breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a judgment/experience to breathing that creates and generate fear and anxiety within me the whole time as I belief I am only now breathing because I am fucked or will be fucked or that I am bad, instead of breathing to actually in fact be here out of the mind and as the physical reality, where I am aware of everything here as me, that I can be aware of a fly on the wall.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself breathing only to generate inner experiences to stop and realize I am not breathing as breathing isn’t a focus on the mind as a mind focus and that breathing is breathing here as the physical.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself breathing to stop a thought and the thought does not stop here instantly, that I am not breathing but actually in breathe only focusing on the thought and thus keeping the thought here, as breathing is a physical act where a thought can come and simply in a single breath go, as the breathe is a breathe and not a focus on the thoughts/feeling/emotion.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself within a energetic experience of myself of emotion/feeling/thought and I am breathing to breathe through the experience and the experience isn’t stopping but continue, to see and realize for myself that my breathing is actually giving/participating in the experience as a mind breathing, and so to BREATH here as the physical where I breath all LIFE here and breathe myself our into life as life as to make that the actual focus of my breathing here.

day 75 - stopping myself as thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make thoughts something that is not me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I must stop myself as the thoughts one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that thoughts is separate of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to stop thoughts without stopping myself first as the thoughts through participating within them.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that thoughts come from me as a resonance from the physical mind as the foundation that I have laid as a child where all thoughts resonate from. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see all thoughts as separate from me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider that I have to stop participating within thoughts to stop thoughts and not to do this within separation but within the understanding that they come from me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to stop thoughts I must take self responsibility for how I have created them within memory and experiences of the past as good and bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that having good thoughts are okay, not realizing that the good thoughts can only be good because of all the bad thoughts I have. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame thoughts for everything I experience, realizing that I am the one that created the thoughts and participated within them. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I am powerless when it comes to stopping thoughts, 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that thoughts are responsible for the way I experience myself realizing that I am the one participating within them instead of breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give thoughts attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the thoughts I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing the thoughts I have to myself to be able to see what is within me and to investigate how I have created them or accepted and allowed myself to make them real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make thoughts real in my head as a illusion, realizing it isnt real but only in the mind within a limited space mind fucking myself. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when thoughts are fucking with me in my mind that I am actually the one fucking with myself as I accept and allow it and give it attention and feed it my participation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that every and all thoughts must bear deep meaning and purpose.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that al thoughts can only bear what I give them according to my beliefs and interpretations that I have based on my limited knowledge and information that I have. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my thoughts. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider that only once I take self responsibility for the thoughts I have as creator that only then can I as creator stop, as long as I give power away and blame as something else causing thoughts I can not stop and set myself free. 

I commit myself to when and as I see myself give away my power to thoughts as something that is happening to me to stop and breathe and realize that I am participating and thus I am creating them and that I have created them though memory and past experiences and thus I can stop. 

I commit myself to when and as I see I have given all power to thoughts that consume me to stop, and take the time to breathe and slow down and to if possible in the moment to write and self forgive, to when I get home or off work to apply myself in writing and SF. 

I commit myself to when and as I see I am not living my self forgiveness to stop and breathe and to not judge myself and to start again, to walk the talk as myself for myself and no one else, to birth myself as life as all that is here one and equal as that which is best for all life in all ways.