Day 646 – Family is the cause of Pornography

listen to the interview in this blog, then you will see the writing I do below it in relation to what I got from the interview within walking my process of self-honesty through self-forgiveness. You must undertake your own in writings, what is here for you to stop blame and to stand up for and as yourself as life.

Ok, I listened to the recording, at first I did not completely get it, it is a short video/recording, so I know Bernard does not spoon feed, he gives points and then it is up to self to self-investigate, get to self-honesty and to self-realization, and it gave me a clue in the recording when Bernard said, secrets and agendas within the family structure as it currently exists, and so how is Pornography an outflow from the Family design/construct. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT question the family structure that exists within this world.

I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realized that the family structure within this world is a TAUGHT structure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT be Honest about the family structure and setup within this world where it is most of the time if not all the time abuse, may it be mental, emotional or physical.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the family structure that exists within this world only exists as it does due to FEAR and Survival, and thus does not represent a true structure of natural forces, but rather a structure that manifested due to a system that exist within this world created by man and his agendas/secrets for power/control and self-interest, and so the family structure can only be the same structure one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the family construct even when I knew there was always something off, not right, secrets and agendas that is running in the back ground.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on a role within the family construct as if it is simply my place/play and that I have no choice to take that play/place and so participated within it as normal, as usual, even when there was emotional abuse, mental abuse going on.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the world if fucked, and so the current family construct as it exist is also fucked, as the world is a reflection of the family construct, as within so without.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blindly follow what I was born into as normal, as good, as how things should be, even when I could see that it isn’t working, it never worked and the world is a result, and so looking at how I turned out myself coming from the family construct, I was/am pretty fucked, mentally and emotionally.

I forgive myself that I have not seen and realized through suppression and deliberate denials of what is here, that the family construct is an incubator for children born into a family, and so what the child becomes, who the child is, was literally and very specifically incubated into the child, and so the world and within myself, the results is that of sex/porn addictions, mental problems, physical problems, drug addictions and so many many others more points, as what is born from the families of the world is what end up creating the world, and the world seems to be run by demons/monsters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the emotional abuse that happened, took place within my family – even when that emotional abuse felt good, such as manipulation, love, or a sense of care and specialness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the two people that are my parents as special and unique and that I am their property, and so whatever they do or go through or take out on me, may it be deliberate or indirect, as acceptable, as simply how a family works and functions, even when those moment left scars of emotional and mental experiences that I could not explain yet acted on, as if they are normal and simply part of how I as a family member as the child should act and behave, never questioning truly why it is playing out the way it is, such as the actual structure of the family design within this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the family member that causes disruptions, emotional instabilities and expected everyone else to simply take it, as I was part of the family construct, and so anything can go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play on my family members emotions and feelings, their weaknesses and strengths to get what I wanted, and so in return allowed and accepted them to do the same, and so anything goes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of the people I was calling family and to justify my actions and words and all that I accepted and allowed of me, to simply being part of the family and what it means, and so in return accepted and allowed the same form other members, even when it all added up to living a lie, to living in an illusion, a secret reality that is different in the home of the family versus who the family is outside of the home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a secret agent for my family, where I would keep the family and what happens at home a secret and to so present a different family outside, and so seeing and realizing that as a family we could together lie, present a lie and live a lie, I realized that I could lie and get away with anything and many things, as I would expect my family to simply keep quit and go along with it with me, and so do the same for them, thus creating a living of dishonesty and corruption.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the construct of dishonesty within the family, as to lie, cheat, misuse and play games that served only me and so use others for that purpose.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I learned how to be “intimate” through my family, and so whatever that was in my family is what I accepted as the way it is and works, ad so be that way within and towards myself and so the world, KNOWING is was/is corrupted, not effective, not working, due to how the inner relationships functioned within the family.

I forgive myself that I have not seen and realized that I have learned through my family how to “care” and so, whatever that may have been, taken it with me as me into this world, my life, KNOWING is was/is corrupted, not effective, not working, due to how the inner relationships functioned within the family.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed the truth to sink in for me that all the addictions, habits that served no one, and thus PORNOGROPHY and sexual problems and relationship problems was/is a direct result of what I learned, observed, imprinted and taken from my family, or never received in fact and so seeked what I was missing within me outside of me in everything and everyone else, and so always ended up abusing.

Love, Sex and Relationships, Day 3 of 21 – Day 588

Love, Sex and Relationships, Day 3 of 21 – Day 588

Note: The following self-forgiveness are from points I have walked, and still walking. Yet all are relevant, here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question where the design of relationships come from and why I have accepted and allowed these ideas as normal and never questioned the actual physical feedback within this reality and what the current way of relationships has produces within this world as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never question myself and the way I approached relationships with other people, especially to create a shared relationship as a partnership with another and who I am within it and from where within myself I am approaching it and where that approach comes from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT question the design of the Desire for relationships I have within me towards women and why it is so specific, where does these specific desires come from, how did I just accept and allow them and follow them like a zombie.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to question why my specific Likes and Dislikes are just seemingly here within me what I like or dislike within girls, as if I was born with it, yet how can that be possible, does that mean that before birth where I had NO form no sexuality I have already had these dislikes or likes? This makes no sense and thus is nonsense, thus I see and realize that what I like and dislike is in fact NOT me but the proof of pre-programming and that I am simply an organic robot, unless I stop and breathe and actually live without judgment and direct and be responsible as a creator.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not question my sexual urges and wants, and why they can be so specific, yet I was born without any of them, thus where do they come from, why do I make them real, why do they influence me, why does my sexual urges and desires have power over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed sexual Desire and urges as Normal, even when common sense proves that it cannot be normal it cannot be WHO I AM, as who I am existed before and maybe after death, and thus these sexual desires and urges cannot be mine as they are limited and bound to the form of the physical, and thus also programmed into the physical through the mind as the system as the media, family, culture, religion, society besides the physicals basic expression for erections and sexuality.

Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make sexuality anything more than the physical design of the biology of my male body and to abuse the body through participating in the mind as images, pictures, imagination, fantasizing about others/anything and fitting my sexuality into that and giving that power as desires and urges and thus compromising myself and LIFE, as I am now contaminated by impurities as judgements and giving that energetic experiences and power of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT question anything within common sense through utilizing the physical as my reference but instead attempting to use the mind as knowledge and information to keep the illusions real and to keep myself BOUND to enslavement through the mind as energy, as attempting to be MORE than the physical which is without judgement and simply simple, direct and pure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Desire a relationship as something to fulfill me, to make me feel valuable, to give me a purpose in this life, where I want and desire a relationship to distract me from who I am, where the other person is filling and making up everything I feel I lack or am “bad” in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a relationship from the starting point of separation where the point of seeking a relationship is to find someone that will make me FEEL better about who I am and not challenge me to actually in fact change, to accept me as me without question, and where I can then share my life with this other person without being challenged and continue to be who I know I am that isn’t best for all.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the IDEA of relationships were something that my parents, society and culture had to teach me, program me with, for me to accept it as normal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the person I am in a relationship within is my possession, belongs to me, and thus, I have this experience when I seek a relationship that I must be careful who I choose, who I will possess, who I will owe, who I will control, in the fear of that if I make an agreement with someone that does not fit my IDEA of a “perfect” partner, where this perfect partner is actually just perfect within fitting my IDEA/believes and opinions, and thus Fear that if I choose the wrong girl that I will be challenged and thus NOT loved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on HOW relationships should work from my parents without question, and to just accept It as normal, as the way it should be, never questioning that if MY parents relationship was the IDEAL relationship as an example to me and human kind, then why is the world all fucked up? Abandoning all common sense for the sake of what my parents relationship showed me as the control, possession, deception, freedom to abuse and use in fact for the sake of how each person feels, and not how it contributes in fact to the world as a whole as creating and maintaining a world that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a Young kid, as a male, look at girls and feel shy, feeling like I am the Opposite of a girl, and that girls are aliens to males, and thus I must develop a method of deception and manipulation to simply interact with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a young kid, feel weird around girls, based on what I have heard and seen within society and culture, where males must be strong and confident and have the guts to simply TAKE a women, yet I always felt I missed those qualities, and so I found having general relationships with girls as impossible by just being me, so I had to create this game just to interact with girls.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the feeling of having NO support in my childhood years on what it is I am experiencing within me towards girls, the opposite sex, and why I am experiencing the things I was, and that I was left all alone to figure it out by myself, and so I would take other kids. Other males as example, what they show me, what I see ad what I hear and to within that program and train myself slowly but surely to become these other males, their examples, to find a way to define and direct what I was experiencing within me towards girls.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Confuse general conversation with girls as being different to what I had with Boys, simply because of what TV, media, family and society has given to me as an idea, that you need to steal a girls heart, you need to play a girls heart, you need to be a real man, where this real man Idea was so farfetched that I never felt like I was reaching it, and thus always feeling like I was losing out, and so within these ideas created by society as male and female and how it “should” be confuse my experiences with what others are saying, never really understanding anything I was experiencing within me, yes giving it definitions of the SYSTEM, such as what I am experiencing towards girls is called “love” – not realizing that this was simply other people transferring their confusions to me about that experiences they had as kids to me and “explaining” it. Calling it love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I talked to a girl as a kid and experiencing myself anxious due to what I have learned and heard from others what I as a male am supposed to be and what Girls are supposed to be and to then interpret it as LOVE, yet it was simply anxiety that was heightened due to me DEFINING myself in those moments within interacting with girls based on the feedback, if I am a real MAN or not. Which came from all the opinions/ideas and believes my family, culture and society has sold me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that when I was a baby I had NO internal experiences within me interacting with anyone, and that only later on after a lot of programming has already taken hold on me based on my sexuality and what it is supposed to be and how it is supposed to look and act, that I started creating Ideas/believes and opinions within me which compromised ME to simply express myself around anyone equally the same, where I would now place myself in a category of what type of male I am and so start searching and finding a “girl” that fits my MALE Ideas/believes/opinions I have created of myself, as what I DO have as a male and what I lack as a male and so find a girl that just accepts me and my fears/insecurities and make me feel just at home within my own believes/ideas and opinions that I accepted and allowed to exist within me without question since childhood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to confuse ALL the Biased information that I have received from society, family, culture as ALL the information as the feelings/emotions and thoughts that it created within me as “attraction” as “sexuality” towards the opposite sex, and explaining it as LOVE, and to within this connect the energy that was created within me due to all the information to sex and love. Seeing and realizing that all it really was is BAD education and NO understanding and thus I was left to my own vices.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at girls and to think, wow, they are so different from me, and to within this create a separation between me and girls and thus a point of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret this fear as the energy experience that I have/had towards girls as being a form of attraction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the feeling of fear/anxiety that I have/had towards girls as being something that “meant” something more than what was HERE, me and another person talking, and to take this more and to place it into two categories of love or sexual.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I feel insecure around a girl within communication and can’t find my words or stumble or feel as if I need to say interesting things, smart things, or make jokes that it means I must like her, there must be some sort of meaning to this that is more than me, and to label it as love, instead of seeing and realizing the facts that it is what I have been taught/educated about “male/female” relationships by society and where I have placed me within those definitions according to my Looks, my social stand, my economic status, and even my “race” as a human, and to either place myself high or low or in-between, and to within this I will also have different levels of communicating to different girls based on where I have placed them within these categories that society/family/culture has placed within me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am around a girl/women, to actually slow down and to realize and see that what I am experiencing within me has nothing to do with the other person, and that the other person has actually in fact NO power or possible way of making me experiencing anything within me, as if that was true then I would have practically been able to make any women fall in love with me at any time, and thus I see and realize that it is all a mind job, where I am playing myself based on programming/brainwashing/mind control that has been placed within me since birth by family/society and culture and thus what I am experiencing is inherently MINE and has nothing to do with the other person, and thus I am fully responsible for what exist in me and can never claim or say to someone else, that THEY are making me experience myself a certain way, such as LOVE OR sexual attraction. And thus it is actually blame.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when I want to create a relationship with a girl, where it is ONLY me and her, together forever based on how I experienced myself when I am in the presence of this other person, then the relationship will always and only be based on how I experience myself and hold the other person responsible for this experience and thus I will in all my power and control attempt to keep the other person I am in a relationship with exactly the same and never grand change or improvement for them, as that would mean I will lose MY experience that I have within me that I have attached and blamed the other person for as my experience as love, and then also hold the person responsible for how I will experience myself as anger, hate, frustration, jealousy, name them all, if they change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Believe that I must first be in a relationship with a girl/women before I can have sex, and to within this believe as a child, start playing a game of manipulating girls, to get girls to LOVE me so that I can have sex with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now use the fears and anxieties that I have labelled as LOVE to manipulate and deceive girls to fall in love with me, where my LOVE if covering ALL their fears, where MY love is now the band aid to all their insecurities and fears and where I then become the perfect match for them and so I have their Trust, and so I can have sex with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to through the early on realization in my teenage years where I realized girls fall for love more easily than boys as girls have more fears than boys based on the same programming Both boys and Girls received from child hood, where girls are fragile and weaker and more emotional and boys are the opposite, to play this programming by using LOVE as a way to get to sex and to within this abuse the girl and in the end make the fears come true as the “male” and “female” definitions that we were thought as kids and got as impressions as kids, and so continue to live out the sins of the fathers, and as I get older start looking for a girl that will give me sex and even marry for this reason and abuse and manipulate it all as being LOVE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ENJOY using the word LOVe as an easy way to simply catch a girl and to get her to have sex, and to even justify my unconditional LOVE as being real and genuine to the world, and completely hide the sex factor so deep that not even I can admit it to myself anymore and will even now DIE for this love, as I know I want sex and will have sex before I even die and that makes this LOVE so real and pure, as it will make my very wish come true even at death, as I have through this love captured and trapped the other person/girl for eternity and she is MINE now and forever and thus sex is guaranteed even till death.

Day 549 – Mother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the Mother construct within me as me being a child that belongs to another person, seeing and realizing that this mother construct within me and wanting to hold onto the idea that I belong to another person is keeping me form being my own person. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mother is more special than any other mothers in this world, and thus within this believe praise my mother and make me “special” and more than other children, creating and continuing the inequality within this world as ego and self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the mother construct within me as I fear that I will lose something of myself, seeing and realizing that I cannot possibly lose my mother unless I have self-interest points invested within her that only serves me and my will as the ego.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the love a mother and a child proclaim for one another ha got nothing to do with one another within this world as it is purely self-interest driven for survival and money in a world where fear drives everything, and as one can see within placing oneself within a perfect world where all is equally taken care of and has a guaranteed life of dignity on this planet that mothers and fathers and children will suddenly have no worries of fears of letting go of each other and living their own lives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself within making myself believe that a mothers love for a child has to be an emotional one, where the mother and child can manipulate each other and make sure each one is surviving in this world by leaching off one another, through using a secret system of debt, where the mother gave everything and now later on the child owns the mother everything, seeing and realizing that such emotional relationships is a disease of the current world system that forces people to be leaches for the sake of survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not forgive my mother in her innocence in the sense that this world makes no sense and to within such a world create relationships of nonsense that isn’t best for all in common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that for me to take on and stand within this world that I require to keep such relationships on the emotional level with my parents for the sake of a safety net, seeing and realizing that keeping such a safety net is simply holding me back as there is a back door, knowing that if I keep an emotional relationship with my mother that she will still benefit from me as being her son as I am feeding her some sort of energy and thus she will at any time catch me when I fall, thus already creating the fall, yet seeing and realizing that a clear physical communication relationship within common sense can be established and kept, as such a relationship will be equal and one to all other relationships that is best for all life, and to stop the mind games once and for all and for each one to face themselves sooner than later till it is too late and we have sucked the life out of life and no one stood up for life as reality was/is still being kept in a veil for survival.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize the facts/truth of what is here, we all die and after death no one is someone’s family or friends and that we are all one and equal and thus must already be walked this life and to not have to face the shame and regret in the afterlife for only protecting and keeping save one’s own “blood” and disregarding all other life as your entire family, on your home planet called earth, just for some emotional relationships that is kept in place for self-interest and to survive till death.