Fear of missing out – How Bernard Supported me with this point. Part 2

 

This blog is a continuation of Part 1 HERE http://gianjourneytolife.blogspot.co.za/2018/01/fear-of-missing-out-how-bernard.html

 

From Part 1 “I will continue in Part two, sharing more and deeper points as this fear of missing out went from one polarity to another and finding a balance, also how this point was pushed even further by Bernard for me to face in specific moments.”

Fear of missing out has been a big point for me all my life. I would keep myself occupied as much as possible to be out there, to be aware of everything I possibly can, I had this urge to always be in the KNOW, I must know, I have to be informed. I always collected so much data as knowledge and information about people, gossip, and simply human relations. 

I did not want to be the guy that finds out later in an impolite manner about something or in an unexpected way. I wanted to have control of my environments, of the people and what they think of me, what is being said about me, what decisions are going to be made or could possibly be made that might affect my life, so I always wanted to know, this knowledge and information I gathered over time from many corners of my life would be used in secret by myself. I would take information I have gathered where I know I am personally involved, or where I can get involved or what might affect me, and I would play with the information in my mind as to how can I manipulate and change certain outcomes, the people and situations to always be that which I feel save with, where I am sort of in control. 

I did not notice at the time that I was living this program within “fear of missing out” or even how this program worked within a multi-dimensional play-out. 

Why did I fear missing out? Why was this fear within me? I can definitely say that something happened in my life where decisions were made, or events happened that I only found out either in the moment and took it as a shock, as unexpected and it rattled me, it shake my life, it changed everything to a degree for me personally, it took me from a point of feeling secure to a point of feeling insecure. Through such an event (may it have occurred in the first few years of my life here on earth or later on) I now had this fear which became my compass that always guided me to avoid such situations/events or circumstances that affect me personally and my security. 

Thus I had to become a secret agent for my own life, I had to gather as much information and knowledge as possible to then have the upper hand as I would make myself believe. So, I started living my life always focusing on fear, fear of missing out. Because if I miss out then feel vulnerable, I feel naked, I feel like I have nothing in my hands to play my cards on the table. 

Through this “fear of missing out” I have created a LOT of stress within myself, always rushing and hurrying up to get somewhere, I have created a lot of sneaky behaviors to find information from others in secretive ways. This behavior creates stress and fear in itself. 

I never allowed time for ME, and to focus on what I am creating, I rather lived life in a way where I took advantages of circumstances. This meant I had to WAIT a lot, because for the right circumstances to arrive isn’t every day. In the meantime while waiting I am basically spending all my time fishing, finding information and knowledge and filling my mind with so much information of nonsense I had no idea what to do with it except to gossip, to talk and to scheme about others and LIFE all the time. 

This behavior and living created MORE stress and a lot of anxiety, as I was stressing about missing information and being anxious about getting information that I can work with, and getting information I can work with meant it affects me, It had something to do with my life, thus it isn’t always great news, so anxious and excited at the same time. 

When and If I cot information that I believed I could work with, I would feel like I have a purpose and reason to live, to do something. This in return means that I was creating events and situations through my behaviour that even led to me messing up, fucking up and then creating the knowledge and information to come my way to then work with it. This is pretty messed up in terms of how so many things are interlinked and connected and how somehow it created stuff. 

Let me simplify this a bit more with an example. Say my mom and dad are having conflicts/arguing in secret, they do it in their room while we are sleeping and they think we do not know about it, I would stay up till late after pretending to go to sleep. Then I would sneak up to my parents room and listen against the door what is happening, I hear voices but it is mumbling, so I would get “smarter” and go outside, thus sneaking around quietly, my heart is pumping hard as I know I could be found out if they hear me, I am also fearful of what I might hear, so I stress about that. Then I am outside, I am listening in and I find some words, some information, it has something to do with money and spending money and saving money and so forth. I know everything my parents go through involves me, so when I hear money and problems, I go into a massive insecurity within myself and my future, my comfort, my life. I go into ALL kinds of thoughts of what ifs and what should I do or not do. 

I then go to bed after this gathering of knowledge and information, I wake up in FEAR and STRESS, because what do I do now with this knowledge and information. I start thinking a LOT, I start going into a lot of future projections of possibilities. Then I start acting, I start living in a way that makes me feel more secure, I act and behave in ways that makes no sense to anyone but me. I can’t tell my parents why I am behaving the way I am as they would then know I was in secret listening to them and their conversations. Now all day at school and everything else I am doing I am not focused at all, I am not HERE and living, I am in my mind thinking about this all day all the time, current reality loses purpose, I lose touch with it,  am somewhere else. 

This occurred and continued throughout my life over and over and over. This pattern would play out in anything and everything. From relationships, work, popularity and friends, I mean anything and everything. 

If you have read Blog one by now, then the next dimension will be much clearer for you. This next point is how Bernard pushed me daily and on many occasions on this point where it hit me real deep and hard and left me in this weird space of the UNKNOWN.

To be continued.

Day 530 - Logical thinking and reasoning

 

Logical thinking and reasoning from knowledge and information as being smart is exactly what trapped us humans in this destruction path in Life. Just look at any form of abuse or addiction in this world. It is kept alive with logic and reason based on knowledge and information. A person that abuses a family member at home uses logic and reason in their mind to why they do what they do. Look at porn addicts, they want to stop but logic and reason pulls them back and stopping seems impossible. We can literally use logical thinking and reasoning in any situation in this world and justify it as right. No where is there common sense and self honesty. Take a look at yourself. How you have so much knowledge and information to use as logical thinking and reasoning to justify why you aren't stopping and creating a better world for all life

Day 268 – from weakness to strength – writing/reading using knowledge and information

Day 268 – from weakness to strength – writing/reading using knowledge and information

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see I do not know how to do something to go into a experience of irritation with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get irritated with myself when and as I do not know how to do something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get irritated when and as I feel that I cannot do something and to then get up and move or do something else and to “ignore” the point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I have to start a new way of writing to give up within myself of ever being able to write a different style.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Limit myself within and as the mind as interpretation what the new task may or may not have in store and to within that interpretation already burden myself with the effort that may or may not be required and to then already within me make a decision to give up and not to even start.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that to Start is a start.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist starting something new as I fear losing the time it will take to learn the new methods etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be irritated with myself as not already being able with the methods abilities capacity to just write a new way/style of blogging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the whole process of learning new things that requires intellect such as reading/writing/and information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make reading more than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the words within books as more than me and something to fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear forgetting what I read and that I will thus be unable to write a blog that is required to have information that comes from somewhere else and thus not start but to instead ignore and avoid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry at myself for not being capable/able to writ like everyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry and frustrated with myself fro not starting but instead postpone and let the point grow bigger and bigger all because I have created everything within my mind already, which is always just a interpretation and not how it is in fact in reality, and thus I see and realize that I have to stop the mind participation and focus on the physical actions of doing it and breathing till I am done and I am capable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that this is a point of myself that I must face as a weakness that I have accepted and allowed all my life, and that it is also the point of transformation for myself where I make my weakness my strength.

I commit myself to when and as I have to write blogs a certain way to stop thinking about it and to stop being concerned about if I can or cannot do it and to sit down take a deep breath and to Start writing.

I commit myself to when and as I have to write a blog that requires me to write a certain way to get the information through a certain way to stop judging myself as incapable and unable and to stupid through Starting to write unconditionally after I have done my research first and to unconditionally learn and see what I need to do and change while writing to get it done even if it takes time, yet to start and push myself and the point.

I commit myself to when and as I Fear writing a new way where the blogs have to be based on knowledge and information from other sources as evidence to stop the fear and to stop the limitation through physically moving myself where I haven’t gone before.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I fear that I will not be able to present the knowledge and information in a way that is supportive and effective due to my weakness I have created throughout my live of not being able to “remember” things effectively and to read effectively and write effectively to stop and to breathe and to see and realize my weakness and that I must take my weakness and make it my strength through doing those things of reading/writing and learning to remember unconditionally.

Day 165 – Justifying is Fighting for Limitation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am confronted by someone where my actions/words are questioned and points pointed out to Instead of Breathing and Correcting myself “feel” that I have to explain my actions/words in the fear that if I do not explain myself that I will be seen as less than the person confronting my words/actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as a Person points out something I have done or am doing in the moment to react and Try and explain myself To justify why I did not see/do the obvious thing – seeing and realizing that as soon as I want to justify myself that I am in fact dishonest because to attempt to justify implies that I knew what I was doing and what I was not doing Instead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that Justification is a deliberate act as to why I did not correct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that Justification is only MIND as I try and attempt to explain my back chat and thoughts and thinking processes – and that justification is a outflow of feeling guilty as I know that I could have instead of having backchat or thoughts have Changed and corrected myself Physically i the moment and thus I know I did not do this and thus the Justification process starts of fighting for my own limitations.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that Justifying myself is only me Fighting for my own limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Justify my actions/words when someone points them out to me in the attempt to spite the other person just so that They may not win in showing me how it is possible for me to self perfecting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I justify my actions and words is when I still believe that the mind has power of me as the knowledge and information I hold as all the excuses and reasons that the mind made up for why I did not change/correct myself in and as Breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as someone else is showing me a Better way of doing something to Justify why I did not do it as such to sound smart and clever and that I was considering it BUT instead took it the other way just to not having to listen and learn and grow from the other person and to instead fight for my limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that Justification is always justification and isnt a reason in fact. A real reason for why I did not correct myself in breathe in the moment would be when for instance a meteor falls out of the sky and kill me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to glorify my own justifications as being special and full of reason and common sense, not seeing that it is me fighting for my own fears/limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that Justification is but a fiction of my imagination and not reality in fact but a compilation of self made up ideas/belief/perspectives limited to my own knowledge and information that is rooted in fear and thus can never be trusted.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself wanting to justify to Stop the words that want to fall onto my tongue and to take the Air of Life into my lungs and Bring myself here and to Correct myself as the flesh and bones that I am as Life.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I want to defend my limitations/fears (EGO) through the reasons/excuses to stop and take a breathe and to instead correct myself and to realize that when someone is helping me and it makes sense within and as the physical that is here that it does not mean I have to speak, it means I can correct and breathe.

I commit myself to when and as I Feel the storms of fears arise within me of when someone else shows me what I have already known but did not act/correct, and the urges and temptations of my fears come to defend them, to stop and breath and to realize I am not the inner red flames of fear and to take a deep breathe to cool the flames and to realize myself here as the breath and to correct myself - instead of fighting a battle that is always only against myself where I defend my own limitations only and to learn from another in humbleness.

Day 164 – Let me Explain as Justifying myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I want to explain myself to attempt to manipulate myself and what I see I have to explain as a way of justifying myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am faced with having to explain myself in situations of confrontation to instead of Breathing and correcting myself to instead try and explain myself as a way to Justify myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use circumstances as a reason to justify my actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use Blame as a way to reason and Justification.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always Look at everything outside of myself as reasons and ways to justify my decisions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I am looking at everything out there for the cause/reason for my actions that I am not self honest and not looking at me as the one making the decisions in fact in the end always.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I use and look at everything out there as reasons/excuses to Justify my actions that I am only justifying instead of correcting myself and perfecting myself as Life as that which is best for all life in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Through justifying my decisions/actions teach myself that it is impossible to correct myself instantly as Breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use Justifications as reasons and excuses to not correct myself instantly in breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Justify my actions/decision as a way to not face Instant correction/change as breathe as a way to hold onto that which I know and feel save with, not seeing and realizing that I am in fact holding onto my own limitations and enslaving myself to the mind with all the reasoning and justifying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entangle myself in and as the mind through reason/excuses and justifying my actions and creating layers of knowledge and information within and as myself as I have to hold onto the justification to always be able to tell the same Lie?justification to anyone who asks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear instant correction in and as breathe as LIFE as that which is best for all life in the fear of losing my limitations I have known for years and have become a slave to, seeing and realizing that it is not best for all and not myself as I am part of ALL, and thus it is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be used to justifying myself in explaining myself that I never considered correcting myself instead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that as and when I use reason and excuses to justify my actions/decisions hat I will always only live a life where I am in the boundaries of those reasons/excuses and thus will never be able to see what is here in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when I justify my actions/decisions that I have in that moment of justifying created a Bubble that consist of all the reasons/excuses as the justifications and that I am now Bound to this bubble and having to live in this bubble and keeping it alive, because I know that when the bubble pops I will be revealed as one big LIE and so within this I will always do things and make decisions that Limit me from my Past decisions to sustain the bubble, even though I know I can change my decisions and actions I make but then that will show everyone that I was LYING to them within my reasoning and all the excuses I made out to be so REAL.

To be Continued