Day 400 - Discipline Part 2.

Day 399 - Discipline Part 1.

Self - forgiveness. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear discipline, seeing and realizing that I have learned/defined discipline as something that is a burden, something that is forced onto me, and thus seeing it as something that isn’t necessary for me yet it is asked of me from someone else, as discipline has never been taught to me within understanding of its importance and how I live it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define discipline as being a burden for me, seeing and realizing that discipline as I have defined it within the past is the only burden I can have, as the discipline as memory of the past is all of the past attached to it within the word as its definition in relation to who I am. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a negative emotional experience towards the word discipline and having to be disciplined and attaching the word Burden to the word discipline.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Burden myself with the Ideas/Beliefs/opinions that I have taken on from others or created for myself through interpreting what discipline means through my environmental influences, instead of taking self-responsibility to pick up a dictionary and to see what the actual definition is of discipline is and to not create a definition of what discipline is, through years of memory and experiences that is all based on “abstract” definitions that is specific according to each and every one that had a influence in/on my life in relation to learning/understanding and living the word discipline according to their back grounds and pasts, seeing and realizing that my current definition of discipline and how I have been living the word discipline cannot be trusted at all as it isn’t really defined as a word in itself that I can practically take and live/apply as myself in all aspects of life, but that what I currently have as a definition of discipline is all but past/memories/experiences which is all energy based such as thoughts/feelings/emotions and thus nothing solid/real that I can use to stand by and to walk and live by as myself as Who I am as the living word discipline. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Feel/belief that when and as a point of discipline is asked of me that it is being forced upon me, seeing and realizing that this is the past as memories as experiences that is a reaction in the moment coming up in relation to what I have connected to the word discipline and defined the word discipline as and thus the feeling of me being forced is simply my own definition of the word that I have given it, attached to it and thus it isn’t real, as when I have to take the word discipline and look in the dictionary what it means then nowhere does it say – something that is being forced onto you, thus seeing and realizing that this is my point that I have to take self-responsibility for and to stop the past forcing itself onto the percent moment where I have windows of opportunities to create myself, to decide for myself how I am going to experience myself through stopping the past to influence me here and to redefine the word Discipline to a word that is neutral and practical and livable and a word that I can stand by and live that word for eternity as myself as who I am. A word that is best for all as it can stand and work for all equally and thus trust worthy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the Belief/idea/opinion within my mind towards the word discipline – that it isn’t something for me, as I have always only been asked to be disciplined or felt like it has been forced onto me by others and thus it never came to me naturally,, and only from others, and thus made the conclusion that I don’t need discipline as only OTHERS are asking it of me. Seeing and realizing that this is me abdicating my self-responsibility to be disciplined, blaming others or putting the responsibility on others to be disciplined or ask for discipline, when I could have seen for myself within common sense that to move from point A to point B requires discipline, yet I did not do this and always ended up at point blank zero somewhere between A and B.

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Define my relationship within and towards the word and the application of discipline as – something I do not need, I will just go with the flow – seeing and realizing how SOO many things in my life never worked out because of this word that I fucked up and never defined for myself and only went with the flow. Instead of developing actual discipline for myself to follow through with a plan, or to create a plan and to follow through to the end, this is the plan – Discipline.

Day 399 – Discipline Part 1

Discipline – One of the points I have been struggling with all my life, I may have been in a school with a lot of discipline, but that did not teach me discipline, because it was discipline forced onto me, not taught to me.

So I never developed discipline, I only developed a way not to do things unless I am forced with discipline, and this has many consequential outflows in my life.

Because after school, and after leaving the house, I am alone – I have to now have discipline to make it on my own, yet what the fuck is discipline, I am used to someone telling me stand straight, or I get smacked, or cut your damn hair, keep your nails short, stand in the line, do not speak when you are standing in the line, you better have your homework done tomorrow, OR you will get detention or you will get six of the best (implying six shots to the ass with a stick) or you will have to deal with the authorities.



So I learned through a nice twelve years of this that discipline is something you force onto someone, and that it is something someone has to force onto you – for you to have it, or something really bad has to be waiting for me ahead before I can or must be discipline.

Now I am here, I am faced with having no discipline within simple daily tasks, simple things that needs to be done.

Because there aren’t any BIG consequences lying/awaiting ahead, there is no one threatening me, there is only me – Do I have to create fear for myself to be disciplined – do I have to become paranoid within certain things in my life just to get it done? Which is what I do and it isn’t an effective way.

No – with Desteni I have learned that I am the living words, thus I am living the words I have learned/lived/and accordingly somehow defined through all that, and the definition is what I am living.

So I must simply delete the old definition that I have been living and actually check what is the current definition, as I strangely never picked up a dictionary in my life to check what the word for itself is defined as, and to then re-define the word to a word that I can live by practically and that can be equally applied by all – to a living word that is best for all life.

Is this illegal – Fuck no.

I have looked at the word Discipline a few times in my life, as it was pointed out to me that I do not have discipline, I have recognized my weakness – a weakness within discipline, as discipline is in fact a very important thing we all need to develop.

When I sound the word discipline I hear –“ this is the plan”-- I can see within my life that whenever I had plans I lacked the discipline to follow through from the beginning to the end, to have that discipline to walk all the way, I would usually quite halfway or go adrift and then the point is just gone, over, or to be honest I would never even have a real plan, just a quick solution, a Idea.

Since we live on a Planet (PLAN IT) where you need discipline to live the plan on the planet – where we need to plan it all as our responsibility -  yet we do not do this and just go with the flow – which is a fuck up because we would even take the flow if it leads off a cliff to our doom.

So we all lack the discipline– this is the plan, the plan for the planet , no one has a plan to live or follow through on – and since we all share this one PLANet. Where the plan is to create a life/world where life can live for eternity that in its implication means a world that is best for all life, which supports all life equally within harmony, where money does not harm any.

And thus I can see on an individual level as myself as an example, how this one point of discipline within me is fucked and thus within almost everyone else as well, because we all have the same basic educational system that teaches the same to us all to have the same products/humans coming out that can continue the same system that only benefits a few, and how that leads to what we all call life now, and what exist in fact here on earth, where everything is suffering and dying and being abused and raped and profited off, except the few with money, which still includes me as I am still in a home with food and water and basic needs – I am including all life in this equation as that is what matters.

it is clear, discipline goes hand in hand within what is here - or should I say No discipline, there is no plan, and soon no Plannet. 

To be continued.

Bernard Poolman – My Birth Till his “Death”.

Bernard Poolman - A man who walked as an example in fact that we each are responsible for all that is here and that we are LIFE in fact, and that we all must re-birth ourselves as life one and equal, and he gave the tools of how he walked the process, he lived as an example, he stood as the Physical as life.- he started what we all Know as Desteni.org (Desteni Universe) and the Desteni that is the only Desteni for Humanity if we ever want to change and create heaven on earth. check out the Blog:

Creations Journey to Life - by Bernard poolman.

When I was told about Bernard’s Death the same morning he was declared dead on August 11 2013 at 2:50 in the morning South African time. I was Shocked, the shock was that it was unexpected and sudden, yet that’s just Bernard – that’s how I have known Bernard all my life.

Usually when something or someone died in my Life I would have so many thoughts (memories) feelings/emotions coming up, running through me and I would cry like a baby, when I heard of Bernard’s Death that morning – Nothing came up such as thoughts/feelings/emotions, yes I did have an experience of anxiety which was related to my self-interest, as what will I do now. That only lasted a few seconds as I breathed and made my decision, I do this till its done.

There was something new that I have never experienced before – it was a moment of HERE, I could see Bernard here as me, meaning as a physical expression, as Bernard has always done – he did not create memories (me more Lies) he was the living flesh and thus each moment he was living as life, and what he showed me and taught me and what he helped me with through my life and the past six years Living with Bernard on the farm, was all Physical real things, nothing Bernard did was done from a thought/feeling/emotion, it was always Physical real time interaction.

I realized in that moment how much of Bernard I have become, not Bernard as his name or as a personality as energy or as a memory, but the Living actions, the living words that he has spoken and moved as for as long as I could remember, the Living example, which is what I have learned and integrated as me from living Bernard’s example.

I have known Bernard all my life, he was friends with my parents and they were in the police together way before I was even born, after I was born we would go visit Bernard every few years, like every two/three years or so, it isn’t a lot, but every time it was unexpected and sudden.

Every time we visited Bernard our lives changed, my parents would become less strict and limited within how they were parenting us, for instance our allowances would increase, we would be able to draw on the walls and put stickers on our cupboards and get some more candy, we learned more discipline and we learned to express ourselves more in our lives, as Bernard always opened up everyone’s deception and lies and manipulations in the open for all to see, and through this exposure we could all forgive each other and realize our one and equal participation and change to that which is best/better for all, as Bernard would show us step by step how we created it and how we participated and how we do it – this is referring to before the portal opened and how Desteni process is now – yet how it all came to what it is today.

He introduced us to a whole new world so to say – aliens/ufo’s/spirituality, card readings. Crystals/chakras/tarot cards/channeling, I mean everything – we would never have expanded or considered anything else besides our own little bubbles we called living, if it wasn’t for Bernard.

Bernard would always investigate ALL the points possible when we visited him, he would really talk and ask many many question and would always go to a common sense point that is practical, he would share with us all his findings and how he found it and how he is practically living change and how he has changed and where he has changed and he would always encourage us to also change, be our potential instead of our limitations, this is how I have learned to know Bernard at a young age already.

Bernard and me and some others having some fun out on the porch

When I came to Desteni Farm in 2008 the ninth of July – I came with the purpose of learning how to live practically, how to use my hands and How to live within common sense, my Goal was to work on the farm for six months and go home.

Within the six months I was working, I had Bernard around me all the time, he was showing us/me what to do, how to do things, and most of all He SHOWED me in real time how to look at all things in common sense, something I never learned at school or home or anywhere else, to investigate things for myself real time, in a way that the common sense can be applied everywhere and not just within that which he is showing me in that moment, because Bernard would show me why I have to Bolt a roof raft to the pole instead of just hammering it in with a nail, he would give me all the dimensions and consequential outflows of not doing it within common sense, when common sense is in consideration of all things and that always include all things and that is the Obvious. Yet we miss the obvious because we live in our minds driven by alternate realities and false images, thus complicating everything that is obvious with opinions/beliefs/ideas as the ego.

Bernard was and has always been the only consistent being I have known throughout my life, when everything and everyone has changed and even me, I always knew that Bernard is a rock, and that I can ask him or go to him with anything and he would give me not the answer I wanted, but a real answer, the straight forward common sense answer and to face myself self-honestly where I am left with making decisions.

I knew about the process long before I came to the farm, yet I did not want to walk it, but through Bernard’s words and living actions as a living example in each breath and never changing and being so damn consistent, I could not deny what was here any longer, the common sense is - that I have to walk this process for myself, That I must re-birth myself as life, and Bernard unconditionally – even when I wasn’t doing process consciously – he did not and never accepted me as less then what he knew my true potential to be, that I could not even see, till he showed me and till I have lived it for myself.

I have learned so much from Bernard it is impossible to place it all on paper or in this blog, Bernard has done so much for me it is impossible to do all that here on paper as well. I am giving living examples and that is all I can do - and now I have realized, it is my time to walk and to do the same, as what Bernard has done for me for the past six years and since I can remember him, he did not ask anything in return but that I make the decision to walk or not and to live by that decision and to honor that decision to the end, and I am walking as Life, I have never said thank you to Bernard or given him a Hug, I always wanted to, yet I held back.

Bernard once stood outside my room, as I walked out he asked what’s up?, I said: nothing much, he then lifted his arms up and he took a deep breath, he placed his fingers into a fist firmly and he held himself Big and tall, and he said: I am the Universe – he called me to stand next to him, he said now do that: I am the Universe, I lifted my arms and I took a deep breath and I said: I am the Universe, I laughed and it was funny for me, he then said, do this till you in fact stand as the Universe.

Thank you Bernard, I walk, I stand, I re-birth myself as life so that I as You, as the living example, can show that it is all possible for all of us to walk as one and equals and stand in fact as the Universe. Time to stand and live by principle and to walk till this is done.

Day 397 – Male Ego/fear relationship Commitments.

These commitments are from Day 394 Male ego and the fear relationship part 2 part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself only when there is energy moving me.

When and as I see myself looking/waiting for energy to come up within me for me to move myself – I stop and I breathe – I take a moment to see what is here practically to do, or what I can do within the time that is here and to direct myself/Move myself, seeing and realizing that waiting for a positive/negative experience to move me is impractical and can take forever and thus I might never move myself within walking/moving/directing myself as energy, thus I commit myself to when and as I see that I am waiting for energy to move me to stop and to breathe and to move/direct myself within common sense and practicality within the principals of what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Believe that energy as the Ego which is from the mind as thought/feeling/emotion is required for me to move myself.

When and as I see that I am waiting for a thought/feeling/emotion to give me direction to move myself – I stop and I breathe – seeing and realizing that thought/emotion/feeling is already a reaction/energy as the ego moving/directing me – thus I commit myself to when I see myself waiting for a thought/feeling/emotion to move me to breathe and to focus on what is here as seeing direct what I can do within the moment and what is here as self-movement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only move once I experience some form of energy as the ego which is at its foundation a fear energy/negative.

When and as I see that I am moving myself from the starting point of fear – I stop and I breathe – seeing and realizing that moving as fear does not mean what I am doing is wrong or I should stop moving but that I must change my starting point where my movement is within moving myself within the principle as that which is best for all life as fear is completely useless, thus I commit myself to when and as I see that I am moving within fear to breathe and to change my starting point to what’s best for all life as a walking principle

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require fear to move, and that I must first experience this fear to be motivated to move, and then out of fear create an Ego which is a cycle of patterns that will always ensure fear to exist within my life so that I can always be motivated to move.

When and as I see that I am accessing the belief construct that I require fear to move and that I must experience fear to be motivated to move – I stop and I breathe – seeing and realizing that I am accessing a pattern of sabotaging myself within self-movement, thus I commit myself to de-construct this self-created belief of fear enslavement within moving myself through writing and self-forgiveness within the principle of what’s best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as and participate within a polarity construct where I create the negative to achieve the positive and to always go back to the negative to motivate myself again.

When and as I see myself participating within a polarity construct where I create a negative experience just to seek the positive experience as a point of moving myself – I stop and I breathe – seeing and realizing that I am enslaving myself to always time loop and to not really move forward but only swing from one side to the other, thus I commit myself to investigate this polarity construct that I use to move myself within fear through writing and self-forgiveness within the principle of what’s best for all life.

Day 396 – Male Ego and the Fear Relationship Part 3.1

Day 393 - Male Ego and the Fear Relationship Part 1
Day 394 - Male Ego and the Fear Relationship Part 2
Day 395 - Male Ego and the Fear Relationship Part 3

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Make/create monuments out of moments within my head and to prey off the energetic experience of that to feel good about myself as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Define myself as who I am as the energetic experiences that make me feel good only, and to within this ignore and hide the bad experiences which is the originating place/source for wanting the good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Create a belief about myself that I must be a bad person and not good enough a person, and thus I must prove myself to others within doing things that are impressive or seemingly big, so that I can feel big and impressive about myself, seeing and realizing that if I am looking for a feeling of being big and impressive then it will only last a while as it isn’t real and based on actual self-definitions of who I decide I am in each and every breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as small and weak within my head and thus seek to be the opposite without through my actions and what I am doing, so that I may change how I am experiencing myself inside to feel big and impressive, seeing and realizing that within such a mental relationship with myself I will always go in circles as I have to decide who I am within words and to then live those words as me, as living words one and equal as that which is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my life about proving myself to others, yet through all the attempts of proving myself to others I have never been satisfied or passed the test within my head, as I see and realize that the test in my head simply changes all the time to make it more and more, the proof must be more next time because this time, this proof wasn’t good enough for them, to changestheir minds, yet seeing and realizing that I am never changing my mind, or stopping my mind, stopping the gossip and the back chat within my mind about me and about life, and to actually live something real for once that I need to prove only to myself within the principle of what is best for all life in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see or even admit to myself that I feel shit and useless about myself and instead I attempt to always hide it within impressing an Image of who I want to be onto others through seeking out opportunities/moments to do something out of the ordinary and to then creating monuments for myself in my head that I have to always check up on and keep in good shape and good condition through doing the same thing over and over or else it will fall and break and then the Image will be lost and I fear that if the image is lost I will be seen as nothing and thus be useless and have no purpose. – which is really just me fearing that my own belief/definition of myself will be validated/confirmed and has actually nothing to do with other people (interesting, it’s like we fear being right about ourselves hahahaha)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being right about myself, meaning fear of being right about that which I fear about myself or that I am perceiving others are thinking about me, which is just me thinking it about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that what I think about myself and who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and to define myself can/will be proven right and that it is so simply by getting feedback from someone else in a moment of ‘no notice’, and thus I will always try and change the Minds of others to change any given feedback to be that which I desire through making monuments out of moments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on the positive/negative energy feedback of what others have to say about me to determine if I will be positive or negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move and direct myself according to the feedback others give to me about me or on me or towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decide anything and everything I do based on the feedback I get from others as feelings/emotions/experience within me about myself that is not related to actual facts but instead fiction as the imagination as the mind, seeing and realizing that when I rely on this that I will always only change the mind and never in fact change who I am, as who I am relies on physical feedback that is real and measurable in the physical which I can use to correct myself in fact and not to simply change my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not getting feedback from others to determine who I must be as a personality to feel “alive” and like I have purpose and to within that only move myself/direct myself when someone else is offering me positive feedback and to crawl away when it is a negative feedback.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear real physical feedback from others as I fear having to face me as who I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as within the mind as fear as a polarity construct that has two simple buttons to push and to give commands with, where I am subject to reactions as fear and reward to move


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having any purpose, and within this seek out purpose in doing meaningless things in moments that seem big and impressive just to be noticed and to be “kept in mind” by others to feel like I have purpose, seeing and realizing that within this I am accepting and allowing myself to be subject to others and in fear of what others are thinking and wanting/expecting the entire time, and to somehow connect that directly to myself personally and what I do and how I act and so forth, seeing and realizing that this is Not how I want to live my life and to be a puppet of my own fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be subject to others and to be influenced by what others have to say or may think about me, and to within this create a fear within myself because I know I am accepting and allowing myself to subject to what others are thinking about me or have influence over me, seeing and realizing that when and as I walk as Principle and not as personal, this fear cannot exist as the principles that are what is best for all life in all ways and living this principle as me in fact (does not require personal concerns or issues or all the bullshit that comes with the fucking ego) as Life as the principle’s life is a living of breathe by breath within physical reality and not the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear PERSONAL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the word personal and that it is BAD.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear that someone else will see me take something personal and thus it means I still exist as the mind and not as Life. Seeing and realizing that this is a fucking process and I will face the revenge of the ego as what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as,. YET the point is to always make it a Point to walk as principle as that which is best for all life and when and as a personal point comes up to breathe and to self-forgive as that is what is best for all life as the walking breathing principle

Day 395 - Male Ego and the fear relationship Part 3

Day 393 - Male Ego and the fear relationship Part 1

Male Ego and the fear relationship Part 1

Day 394 - Male Ego and the fear relationship Part 2

What is a Monument – a monument is something you built in honour/respect/glory for someone else for what they have achieved.

Dictionary definition: “A statue, building, or other structure erected to commemorate a famous or notable person or event.

What does “commemorate mean, Dictionary Definition: Recall and show respect for (someone or something) in a ceremony.

So how do I then Create Monuments out of Moments?

Let’s use a moment for instance - I am at the river, we need to get to the other side, everyone takes the bridge, I decide to jump over – so I run and I jump and I make it over, it was done form the starting point of EGO – I did it within disbelief of myself, I did it within fear of not making it, yet doing it, I did it just not to be “regular” – I did it to attempt to show and proof that I am better, I can achieve something everyone else that is there with me can’t do it, and the ego/mind gets such a nice kick out of it that the entire time that event will be what sticks with me, I feel good about myself, I feel like I have achieved glory, I deserve respect, I must be honored, and in that moment I would even not mind to have an actual monument made for me to show it off to everyone else that comes there (the river place)

for instance in history we will only recall the ‘great moments’ and the ‘heroes’ and we forget all about the hardship and sickness people went through. So here it is the same with you and the river, after the event takes place – all you remember is the positive side of the story as you being great, you don’t even remember the fear/negativity that was behind it, and so you change history/how things happened to just ‘you being great’ and forget about the part where you feel less than everyone else as the reason/motivation why you jumped in the first place)

This type of moments happens a lot, on a regular basis with small things that seems like it does not matter even, it even goes as far where I would do it just for myself and I would become my own crowd, cheering me on and so forth. By small I mean, I would play with a bottle and then flip it in the air and catch it perfectly again, then I would glorify myself just for that, but while doing it, the physical action, there is anxiety that it might go wrong any time, and then before I even did it I had fear that I am incapable of doing something such as that, even so small.

Ok so there is a few examples giving perspective – so now down to what are the initial points to look at within this, first of all, taking the point back to self, where I believe it is to prove something to someone else, it is actually to proof to myself. Because I have created a disbelief within myself. And through all those moments that I create monuments out of, I am enforcing the disbelief within myself no matter how much I do it and perfect it; it is the starting point of why I do it that is what matters.

The starting point as the ego/Mind is fear – here the fear is ‘fear not being able to’ and thus disbelief within myself. Which comes from ANYTHING within this world such as school/education/parents/friends/TV/Media MOVIES and so many other things that we accept and allow to influence us, we are always under an influence, that’s why flu exist, to get some of that (In Flu wins) Out – because we let the influence WIN, No integrity to stand within and as breath and decide for ourselves who we are, because we were never taught that we can make those decisions and that they must be what is best for all life – if who we are isn’t what is best for all life, which is also standing one and equal as life, then then we can only exist as a ego, because its self interest, not best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Make/create monuments out of moments within my head and to prey off the energetic experience of that to feel good about myself as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Create a belief about myself that I must be a bad person and not good enough a person, and thus I must prove myself to others within doing things that are impressive or seemingly big, so that I can feel big and impressive about myself, seeing and realizing that if I am looking for a feeling of being big and impressive then it will only last a while as it isn’t real and based on actual self-definitions of who I decide I am in each and every breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see or even admit to myself that I feel shit and useless about myself and instead I attempt to always hide it within impressing an Image of who I want to be onto others through seeking out opportunities/moments to do something out of the ordinary and to then creating monuments for myself in my head that I have to always check up on and keep in good shape and good condition through doing the same thing over and over or else it will fall and break and then the Image will be lost and I fear that if the image is lost I will be seen as nothing and thus be useless and have no purpose. – which is really just me fearing that my own belief/definition of myself will be validated/confirmed and has actually nothing to do with other people (interesting, it’s like we fear being right about ourselves hahahaha)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having any purpose, and within this seek out purpose in doing meaningless things in moments that seem big and impressive just to be noticed and to be “kept in mind” by others to feel like I have purpose, seeing and realizing that within this I am accepting and allowing myself to be subject to others and in fear of what others are thinking and wanting/expecting the entire time, and to somehow connect that directly to myself personally and what I do and how I act and so forth, seeing and realizing that this is Not how I want to live my life and to be a puppet of my own fears.


To be Continued.

Male Ego and the fear relationship SF - Part 2

Continuing from Day 393 - Male Ego and the Fear relationship Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself only when there is energy moving me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Believe that energy as the Ego which is from the mind as thought/feeling/emotion is required for me to move myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only move once I experience some form of energy as the ego which is at its foundation a fear energy/negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move as the ego as fear where fear is being the motivator for me moving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require fear to move, and that I must first experience this fear to be motivated to move, and then out of fear create an Ego which is a cycle of patterns that will always ensure fear to exist within my life so that I can always be motivated to move.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as and participate within a polarity construct where I create the negative to achieve the positive and to always go back to the negative to motivate myself again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make this polarity construct a “norm” within my life, where I believe it is the only way I can move myself, and to within this always experience myself as fear as negativity, to then as the ego create positivity from using the negativity as a motivator to move.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create fear within me as a constant experience as myself as a way to keep myself fueled and ready to act/move.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build trust within fear as my motivator because of the perception that I have that it has always worked, because I am still here and breathing so fear must have helped me, seeing and realizing that when I look back, all that has ever happened was is that I kept myself in one place, I built a prison for myself to never truly live and to be life and to grow and move forwards, as the fear functions in a way where I have to fall back all the time to be able to re-create the fear to use it again as a motivator, no matter how many times I overcome it or walk through it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that Fear within itself is Nothing, it is a energy/experience and not an actal movement, and that the movement comes from me only, seeing and realizing that if I experience Fear and then move myself or don’t move myself, that it isnt the fear doing it, it is in fact the physical movements/actions, and that when fear is removed, then the actions can still remain, and then the actions isnt reactions which is a compromise, I can actually consider the next move or be clear within my movements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see that fear is passive energy, and that it requires the physical to move, which means fear is really useless and only makes me feel shit the whole time, experience myself shit the whole time, which then leads to me physically moving myself either way into positive or negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make fear this big power within me and giving it this extraordinary power within my imagination, seeing and realizing that in reality fear has and is nothing unless the physical moves and follow on the fear, and even if the fear isn’t there, the physical can still move the same, and thus fear is only a Prison of self within the mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that when I use fear as the ego to move me to be my motivator, that I am conditioning myself within a vicious cycle of self-abuse, where I beat myself up within always scaring myself and literally bringing myself down within myself just so that I can get to a point of being motivated again and do it all over again and so the cycle continues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to the experience of fear and how I use that fear to motivate me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and have defined myself as being “unable” to move myself without fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot exist without the ego, as I have defined everything about me as the ego as fear in every way of my being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear living without the ego/fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deem myself as unable to live without fear/ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I have no fear that I will not know how or when to move myself – seeing and realizing that I have always only moved myself within self-interest as the fear only existed for and as my self-interest and thus once I stop the fear, I will lose self-interest within fear and thus I can start moving myself within what is best for all life as myself and that requires common sense and not fear to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself fear not being able to move myself from a starting point of self-direction in alignment to what is Best for All and within that fear of ‘not being able to’, allow myself to only move myself within and from fear – not seeing and realizing that within doing so I am already failing myself and thus really have nothing to lose and should just go ahead and take that step of letting go of the fear and unconditionally walk the process of aligning my self-movement and self-direction to that which is Best for All as I see, realize and understand that I have nothing to lose but only to gain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that If I do not fear everything in my life that I will not be able to control my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I ever had any control of my life when fear – the ego - has always been in control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have been controlling my life with fear, not seeing and realizing that fear has been controlling EVERYTHING within my life and that I have always only been the puppet doing what the fears tell me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to do what my fear/ego tells me to do or I will face my fears coming true, not seeing and realizing that when I follow what my fear shows me or tells me that I am actually slowly creating and making my fears real, when all they ever did was exist within my mind and now I am actually playing out scenarios following the fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot exist without fear and that I will always have an energy experience within me, not seeing it possible to end EGO/fear and to live as the physical breathing one and equal moving self within self-honesty and common sense – seeing and realizing that this is yet again the ego creating a fearful cycle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not se that in the past there was moments/times that I did not have any fear and that this is proof to me that I can axist without fear and that fear isn’t necessary, seeing and realizing that fear is something that was taught to me and shown to me within how the world as a whole exists and within how I was raised and taight by those that has gone before me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself to fear, and to ignore the proof of the past that I do not need to be conditioned within fear as I have as a child lived without fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I am Fueling myself up with fear/ego as energy, that that fuel must come from somewhere – and just like how we are fucking up the earth body we live on through seeking out oil and all energy sources, so am I doing the same with my body, using real natural resources to create temporary fuel just to survive – live as fear.

Male Ego and the fear relationship Part 1

Ego - (E) is for Energy - so its Energy on the GO, the ego requires energy to move, to go and this is acquired through creating the fear points and using it, a vicious cycle that becomes “normal”, gathered in quick fill-ups, and Fear is like the perfect way to stay fueled, because fear as the foundation of ego is also what motivates the ego to go and search for E (Energy).

So here is what I see - when I have fear within me all day, I am fueled and thus the Ego can use this fear (energy) to do the things that is required to make the Ego blow up like a balloon, it inflates moments, making moments monuments.

The question then is, why does males (me) make it a must have, the ego, why do I believe I require the ego, that I need to have the ego – it comes from lack of self-respect, self- honor, and self – integrity living as the physical as life, where instead  the mind is validated above all – and thus false Images, where we attempt to become the Image and Likeness of the false images of the mind instead of equalizing ourselves with the image and likeness that is real as the physical – which is yet to be understood through the process of stopping the mind.

One example.

I have a fear that I am weak, that I am not strong like other’ guys, and this fear motivates my ego/mind to do things that are small and make it seem like a big thing, like - I am asked to fill up bottles of water, there are six bottles of water that needs to be filled, each bottle is twenty liters (20kg), that is quite heavy to carry, in my mind I fear that I will struggle carrying these bottles and the fear comes from a point of comparison, where I Imagine in my head that other guys will be able to do this easily. So there I am creating fear to motivate me to do this task, the motivation is to also do this and to do it better, just to prove my imagination wrong.

So now when I go and fill up the bottles of water, I will fill up TWO bottles of water and I will carry two bottles of water together, and thus I will make something Big out of the situation - I initially had the fear of not being able to carry even one, and that I will not be able to do it when someone else in my imagination can do it.

PLUS - I had the fear that I would not be able to do the task that was asked of me, and fear that the person that asked me to do it will see me as weak and not have any use to do anything.

So now the ego has enough Energy to motivate me to GO, to move, but I am moving as energy which I am then conditioning myself to, to always require energy to move within this certain task, and my mind will always create the FEAR to have the energy, and everything in relation to doing this task becomes a fear.

This is a weekly task, and weekly I have fear, I have now find that my first point of Fear that i have created to motivate me to do it and to Prove my imagination wrong where I fear being less than someone else, through doing it and doing it 'better'. And this first point of fear is fear of forgetting, fear of not filling the bottles in time, and now I will remember to fill the bottles out of fear.

because the male ego can not take a hit as "being labelled as forgetful" so now everything becomes about keeping this energy UP, keeping the image and likeness up that the energy is creating, meanwhile, I simply have to move as the physical breathe by breathe, and who knows what possibilities lies within that, NO fear, but what will motivate me then?

And this way the Ego is really charged up to Proof all this self-created fears wrong - which originated from within the imagination, where the imagination creates inflated ideas/beliefs/opinions about the task and my relationship with myself within the task- which comes from self - definitions and believes that I have accepted and allowed to exist as me that came from outside influences, instead of me defining me through the fact that I am life equally as everything else, and thus the ego is a separation from that, not really separate but an illusion that it is, which separates me within everything I do and thus creates Fear all the time.