Day 474 - Insecurity and Part of my Story Part 2

continuing from day 473 - insecurity and part of my story part 1

In my previous blog I gave a brief example of how I have come to realize my insecurity within me through certain events happening within my environment.

Now I want to touch on the point of what is here with me now as insecurity. Something off topic that I would like to share as well.

When we accept and allow any feeling/emotion or experience within as true and valid, we don’t just accept and allow that feeling/emotion or experience as just that, we are in that moment accepting and allowing ourselves to not literally shape and create ourselves and our reality according to that acceptances and allowance.

So looking at insecurity I can see within myself and within my reality how I have Limited myself to quite an extend within what I do, how I live, what I am willing to do and how I have through the acceptance and allowance of the insecurity to literally create my life.

I am going to share a few general points that one can maybe relate to to see how this effects one’s life within accepting and allowing any feeling/emotion or experience to be taken as real and valid and given power.

From my past decisions I had to make in life I made them from a point of first accessing myself, if I like a certain girl or sport or hobby or friend for example in school, I will first access myself and then see if I am a fit within myself for the topic, the assessment that I make is bias as it is based on personal self-created opinions I have about myself, of which one of the influences of decision making will be insecurity, am I insecure or not.

Now what within one’s own mind determines the insecurities? How did the insecurities end up in there, how were they determined, what made them real within one’s own mind.

This is what I want to explore and get to, why am I insecure within certain parts of my life, in fact the most important parts of life.

When I look self –honestly at how and why I am insecure within certain parts of my life I can see the word comparison – for me to be insecure I had to have something outside of myself that influenced me which I then accepted and allowed obviously to be the influence, and then I used that comparison.
Lets take sport for example – I see hundreds of other kids doing sports, I now compare myself to how they are doing it and how I am doing it, within this I then create a comparison where I scale myself, either low medium or high, and if its in the low I will be insecure about the certain sport and doing it – thus make a decision to not do it, even if the point of the sport is for fun and not always winning. Thus limiting my life to what I can and can not do, and thus really making life decisions in that instance that effect my entire life just within the sporting region.

If I look at girls within my schooling years – how come I was insecure around girls and thus shy to ask them out or to just be with them, because there was always a few boys who seemed to dame comfortable – and they usually had money and things and status just by the family they come from, or it could be the other way around, a poor guy that has a lot of confidence because he has nothing to lose for example so he takes the chances.

So I had many instance to compare and to in the moment judge myself and to then decide within myself – am I going to be insecure or confident and do it.

I usually chose insecure at this age, later on it changed. But it changed in a deceptive way.

I will expand on the relationship point a bit more because it is such a big point in this world. I never went for the girls I liked – because I liked them from afar lol – and in my mind I always liked the pretty girls with a good status in school, suppose it’s like that for many. So in my mind the girl is everything I am not, because it’s all judgments and comparisons within my mind based on assumption, contact never happened.

So I will just spy and look and become a Intel guy, finding everything out I can about the girl, to compare myself even more and more, to make sure that what I fear is true, that she is too good for me. Deliberately creating the insecurity through, to use the insecurity to never act, I am just not confident, the other guys can do it, just look at them, they just know how to, the girls just like them naturally, I feel like I have to work for it and prove it, it isn’t naturally me as it seems like to be for the other guys.

So I create this entire mind job for myself, where all my Intel and information is literally just gathered from observation and then speaking to myself within my own mind – well that’s pretty stupid isnt it, because my own perspective on things is really limited, I can only give myself perspective as far as my own knowledge and information go, which is dame limited – yet that’s also not the point, why speculate and compare in one’s own mind when it would take five minutes to face reality and find out for real the facts – see that’s the point I feared.

Because reality isn’t just reality – it comes with me facing my internal reality as well, it comes with facing what’s happening within me while I am physically facing the point – like actually talking to the girl, so much back chat on what could happen, what if, should I or should I not, it is intense inside, yet if the internal shit did not exist I do see how it would be completely different, this is what I realized later on the other guys have already realized, but through their parents. Because each house hold is different a lot of boys already at a young age interacted with girls through social events, families and their friends, I never got that, yet this could have also just happened at the social event.
To be continued.

Day 473 - Insecurity and part of my story Part 1

I have been insecure all my life, people would not say that about me from observing me, in fact people would say I am the opposite, yet that is exactly why there are insecurities.

Let me explain: I started out my life as quite an alone child, not lonely, just alone, I grew up in a small town with a very low population, below a thousand. This meant there weren’t many children to play with or other people to interact with. So I learned to entertain myself and to be comfortable with myself and my expression being mostly alone with myself.

So after many years of establishing this relationship with myself of being a loner, and being confident being alone with myself, I now had another problem which only came up after I moved from the small town to a city, or to add the new perspective, the city had a problem with my behavior and my loner confidence, it was different and not really appealing to others.

In the city after thirteen years of growing up in a very quiet town with if memory serves me right, five other kids in the entire town that I could find in thirteen years’ time, all of different ages, I was suddenly surrounded by thousands of other people daily, the streets were packed with people, there were shops and malls and cars driving all the time, even at night one can hear the cars driving.

So I would start out in my new home with what I know best, to hit the streets with my bicycle and to explore the surrounding areas, I discovered that I was able to drive to shops and to malls, and just park my bicycle somewhere and go into the mall and walk around. This was exciting and new, I saw myself having twice as much as fun because of the amount of activities that are now available. But I did not consider a few points.

It seems that in the cities people roam around in groups, I would guess it is for protection, I would assume the protection is from other groups, I did not quite get it, because thus far all my life I have been roaming around all alone and never needed a group with me.

Sure the groups had fun together but that was a disguise – not by assumption from my side, but from experience, as I was driving my bicycle the first day around the new town/city, I was stopped twice by groups of kids. The first group was three boys, slightly older than me on their own bicycles, they stopped me through ramming one of their bicycles into my front wheel, then the one boy asked me what are you going to do about it, I said sorry, he laughed and the other two said you better be sorry, and they circled me a few times with their bicycles as to prevent me from having mobility. They left and I started paddling the opposite way as I was unsure what they will do next if they still see me within their range.

The second time was on my way back home, as I stopped at a shop to get something to drink I encountered two other guys, I wanted to get onto my bicycle, but I was called out by one of the guys, as I looked back he asked me if I have something for him, I said no I just have this, and I continued to get onto my bicycle. I started moving faster as they did not leave me alone and kept behind me, and then one said, we will be waiting here for you till next time.

I got home and my first impression was, I am in danger here – I felt insecure suddenly, NOT save, not secure.

The point I want to make here is, the insecurity did not come from the guys that I encountered, it was already within me, because I have never dealt with such points or trained on dealing within such point or made aware that such point exist, it was all new to me, it was quite intense in some moments.

So at home I realized that for myself to survive living in this town/city I have to make some adjustment to myself – BUT what??

I realized on day one, the way I dressed was not the same as how the city kids dress, I dressed completely different – I dressed in a way that I was comfortable within and not within how I look, because in my old town, no one gave a shit and everyone just relaxed and dressed what is comfortable – so I have to change my dress code to fit in and not look like a “loser”.

Also the way the kids were sounding in speaking and how they spoke was completely different, they had no respect or common decency for one another, swearing left and right and using a “bad word with every third word they use, Fuck this Fuck that motherfucker, cunt, bitch etc etc, with each other never mind with me a stranger.

So I had to now practice using swearing words and how to incorporate them into my vocabulary and grammar.

Then the third and not last point, I needed to get a group, I need friends in this town to drive around with, otherwise I am a target for nasty people to have fun with, which at that moment seemed like every young kid, asking myself, what is the parents like then, because from my upbringing I assumed that the kids are the reflection of the parents and how they train us, does not matter if the kids are with or without the parents, it’s who you are.

So here I started my Journey of creating and sustaining insecurities that till today govern my live in certain aspects as I require to be insecure to consistently remind me of what I must watch out for and fear so that I can counter act the insecurities with an appropriate behavior that will make me feel secure and “seem secure.

But through my process with Desteni I have come to look at insecurities in a different way, see I made it all about changing my outer and my actions, instead of look at what has the moment that presented themselves to me like with the two groups of boys/men, that I had to change within me, inside of me with integrity and to stand.

Because changing my actions first from a fear point as insecurities I will have consequences that is fear, not a correction of equality and oneness that is in synchronicity with me and what is here as best for all including myself obviously that what best for all mean but including all as me.

The consequences of this is me trapping myself into a mind fuck for eternity never finding myself but always pretending and being something that is expected and what is energy bases, which in the long run drains one and makes one feel and be exhausted as it’s a front being kept up, because self-inside has never changed, the insecurity is and has always been there, never really been dealt with but just hidden.

So I am looking at it now where as insecurity is an opportunity, if we take the word insecurity we can see the following – IN SEE CURE – to see inside self in the moment of feeling insecure is also the cure for the moment – insecure is simply a moment where a weakness inside self in exposed, the weakness can be that the insecurity is a delusion/illusion or it’s a mind fuck or it is because of a point self hasn’t faced or walked through, but it is to SEE inside oneself what it is, self-honesty is required with common sense in the moment, rational thought that is based on the mathematical equation of one plus one equals two and to see the moment, how could the moment have been different and who one must be as someone that is living what is best for all, to stop this world from living in an insecure state of each other and to live secure among each other through each human being a self-honest and self-responsible person for through own thoughts and feelings and emotions and to not play the nasty bullshit out on each other where we leach on insecure people by creating insecure humans.

This is not done – to be continued, On the story and the insights.

Bernard Poolman – My Birth Till his “Death”.

Bernard Poolman - A man who walked as an example in fact that we each are responsible for all that is here and that we are LIFE in fact, and that we all must re-birth ourselves as life one and equal, and he gave the tools of how he walked the process, he lived as an example, he stood as the Physical as life.- he started what we all Know as Desteni.org (Desteni Universe) and the Desteni that is the only Desteni for Humanity if we ever want to change and create heaven on earth. check out the Blog:

Creations Journey to Life - by Bernard poolman.

When I was told about Bernard’s Death the same morning he was declared dead on August 11 2013 at 2:50 in the morning South African time. I was Shocked, the shock was that it was unexpected and sudden, yet that’s just Bernard – that’s how I have known Bernard all my life.

Usually when something or someone died in my Life I would have so many thoughts (memories) feelings/emotions coming up, running through me and I would cry like a baby, when I heard of Bernard’s Death that morning – Nothing came up such as thoughts/feelings/emotions, yes I did have an experience of anxiety which was related to my self-interest, as what will I do now. That only lasted a few seconds as I breathed and made my decision, I do this till its done.

There was something new that I have never experienced before – it was a moment of HERE, I could see Bernard here as me, meaning as a physical expression, as Bernard has always done – he did not create memories (me more Lies) he was the living flesh and thus each moment he was living as life, and what he showed me and taught me and what he helped me with through my life and the past six years Living with Bernard on the farm, was all Physical real things, nothing Bernard did was done from a thought/feeling/emotion, it was always Physical real time interaction.

I realized in that moment how much of Bernard I have become, not Bernard as his name or as a personality as energy or as a memory, but the Living actions, the living words that he has spoken and moved as for as long as I could remember, the Living example, which is what I have learned and integrated as me from living Bernard’s example.

I have known Bernard all my life, he was friends with my parents and they were in the police together way before I was even born, after I was born we would go visit Bernard every few years, like every two/three years or so, it isn’t a lot, but every time it was unexpected and sudden.

Every time we visited Bernard our lives changed, my parents would become less strict and limited within how they were parenting us, for instance our allowances would increase, we would be able to draw on the walls and put stickers on our cupboards and get some more candy, we learned more discipline and we learned to express ourselves more in our lives, as Bernard always opened up everyone’s deception and lies and manipulations in the open for all to see, and through this exposure we could all forgive each other and realize our one and equal participation and change to that which is best/better for all, as Bernard would show us step by step how we created it and how we participated and how we do it – this is referring to before the portal opened and how Desteni process is now – yet how it all came to what it is today.

He introduced us to a whole new world so to say – aliens/ufo’s/spirituality, card readings. Crystals/chakras/tarot cards/channeling, I mean everything – we would never have expanded or considered anything else besides our own little bubbles we called living, if it wasn’t for Bernard.

Bernard would always investigate ALL the points possible when we visited him, he would really talk and ask many many question and would always go to a common sense point that is practical, he would share with us all his findings and how he found it and how he is practically living change and how he has changed and where he has changed and he would always encourage us to also change, be our potential instead of our limitations, this is how I have learned to know Bernard at a young age already.

Bernard and me and some others having some fun out on the porch

When I came to Desteni Farm in 2008 the ninth of July – I came with the purpose of learning how to live practically, how to use my hands and How to live within common sense, my Goal was to work on the farm for six months and go home.

Within the six months I was working, I had Bernard around me all the time, he was showing us/me what to do, how to do things, and most of all He SHOWED me in real time how to look at all things in common sense, something I never learned at school or home or anywhere else, to investigate things for myself real time, in a way that the common sense can be applied everywhere and not just within that which he is showing me in that moment, because Bernard would show me why I have to Bolt a roof raft to the pole instead of just hammering it in with a nail, he would give me all the dimensions and consequential outflows of not doing it within common sense, when common sense is in consideration of all things and that always include all things and that is the Obvious. Yet we miss the obvious because we live in our minds driven by alternate realities and false images, thus complicating everything that is obvious with opinions/beliefs/ideas as the ego.

Bernard was and has always been the only consistent being I have known throughout my life, when everything and everyone has changed and even me, I always knew that Bernard is a rock, and that I can ask him or go to him with anything and he would give me not the answer I wanted, but a real answer, the straight forward common sense answer and to face myself self-honestly where I am left with making decisions.

I knew about the process long before I came to the farm, yet I did not want to walk it, but through Bernard’s words and living actions as a living example in each breath and never changing and being so damn consistent, I could not deny what was here any longer, the common sense is - that I have to walk this process for myself, That I must re-birth myself as life, and Bernard unconditionally – even when I wasn’t doing process consciously – he did not and never accepted me as less then what he knew my true potential to be, that I could not even see, till he showed me and till I have lived it for myself.

I have learned so much from Bernard it is impossible to place it all on paper or in this blog, Bernard has done so much for me it is impossible to do all that here on paper as well. I am giving living examples and that is all I can do - and now I have realized, it is my time to walk and to do the same, as what Bernard has done for me for the past six years and since I can remember him, he did not ask anything in return but that I make the decision to walk or not and to live by that decision and to honor that decision to the end, and I am walking as Life, I have never said thank you to Bernard or given him a Hug, I always wanted to, yet I held back.

Bernard once stood outside my room, as I walked out he asked what’s up?, I said: nothing much, he then lifted his arms up and he took a deep breath, he placed his fingers into a fist firmly and he held himself Big and tall, and he said: I am the Universe – he called me to stand next to him, he said now do that: I am the Universe, I lifted my arms and I took a deep breath and I said: I am the Universe, I laughed and it was funny for me, he then said, do this till you in fact stand as the Universe.

Thank you Bernard, I walk, I stand, I re-birth myself as life so that I as You, as the living example, can show that it is all possible for all of us to walk as one and equals and stand in fact as the Universe. Time to stand and live by principle and to walk till this is done.