Day 5 – Reactive behaviour

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as bad when and as I go into reactive behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I go into reactive behavior judge myself as already being too late to stop the reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I go into reactive behavior of what some has said, where I got triggered to react and to in that moment not feel like I can hold myself back, go into the energy and possession of the energy and to follow the energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I follow the energy of being in a reactive possession believe that it is good, that it has a point and to within that get carried away and speak and behave in a way that I cannot take back what I have said or done, and so go into the feeling of now it is too late, I have fucked up, and to start identifying myself with the reactive behavior as who I am and that I am now bad and cannot change and so already create the next reactive behavior moment where I will now trust this behavior and believe that behavior is good for me, because it allowed me to let a lot of things out where I feel good yet disregarded the other person or people within my behavior. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am in reactive behavior to believe that this reactive behavior has come up for a reason and thus it must have a point, and thus act out the point and impose this reactive behavior onto others, when in fact the point was for me to stop the reactive behavior and to take a look at what someone else has said and why that made me react and what is the point within me that I need to look at and that it has nothing to do with the other person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I go into a reaction where my behavior changes, my voice changes, my beingness changes and I start resonating off a certain energy of dominance, self-righteousness to FLAG this as a red flag, to not go into it, to not speak further, to rather stop, breathe and low down, see what is here within me, and to within this FIRST sort out myself and then only speak, if I find I am unable to in that moment stop, I commit myself to not speak, to not say a thing until I have taken the point back to myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harm and hurt others with my words and my physical behaviors that change in how I hold myself with my words and through what I am saying by accepting and allowing to take on this reactive behavior as who I am and that it means something, that it has a point. 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see the harm that I cause when and as I go into reactive behavior when and as someone else says something that activated reactions within me, that is of me inherently, and to within that take my personal point and super impose it onto the other person and to within this disregard the other person completely and thus hurt them, harm them in ways that I do not understand as I was possessed and consumed only within y own energies only thinking about myself and not what is best for all life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be mean and ugly when and as I go into the reactive behavior and to within this take on a totally new and different character that I do not like, yet I play the character and afterwards I do not know myself and can only them play into a polarity game of how I feel and how I make others feel the whole time, always trapping myself between good and bad and never standing as me as life one and equal as clarity and as best for all life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and believe that when and as I am within a reactive point as my behavior that I am acting out that I am in some point of power and thus within this attach and learn and believe that this reactive behavior gives me power and so start to enjoy and fear it at the same time, as it can be unpredictable. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself within the point of playing out reactive behavior and to allow it, to go into it, to NOT stop it, and to then create consequences that I yet do not understand but will have to live through and feel it and learn and see it, instead of seeing and realizing that real power is here within me t STOP the reactive behavior and to breathe and to rather be still till I am clear and only speak once I am here as what is best for all and not my own personal reaction and personal points of flushing my shit out onto another.

Day 474 - Insecurity and Part of my Story Part 2

continuing from day 473 - insecurity and part of my story part 1

In my previous blog I gave a brief example of how I have come to realize my insecurity within me through certain events happening within my environment.

Now I want to touch on the point of what is here with me now as insecurity. Something off topic that I would like to share as well.

When we accept and allow any feeling/emotion or experience within as true and valid, we don’t just accept and allow that feeling/emotion or experience as just that, we are in that moment accepting and allowing ourselves to not literally shape and create ourselves and our reality according to that acceptances and allowance.

So looking at insecurity I can see within myself and within my reality how I have Limited myself to quite an extend within what I do, how I live, what I am willing to do and how I have through the acceptance and allowance of the insecurity to literally create my life.

I am going to share a few general points that one can maybe relate to to see how this effects one’s life within accepting and allowing any feeling/emotion or experience to be taken as real and valid and given power.

From my past decisions I had to make in life I made them from a point of first accessing myself, if I like a certain girl or sport or hobby or friend for example in school, I will first access myself and then see if I am a fit within myself for the topic, the assessment that I make is bias as it is based on personal self-created opinions I have about myself, of which one of the influences of decision making will be insecurity, am I insecure or not.

Now what within one’s own mind determines the insecurities? How did the insecurities end up in there, how were they determined, what made them real within one’s own mind.

This is what I want to explore and get to, why am I insecure within certain parts of my life, in fact the most important parts of life.

When I look self –honestly at how and why I am insecure within certain parts of my life I can see the word comparison – for me to be insecure I had to have something outside of myself that influenced me which I then accepted and allowed obviously to be the influence, and then I used that comparison.
Lets take sport for example – I see hundreds of other kids doing sports, I now compare myself to how they are doing it and how I am doing it, within this I then create a comparison where I scale myself, either low medium or high, and if its in the low I will be insecure about the certain sport and doing it – thus make a decision to not do it, even if the point of the sport is for fun and not always winning. Thus limiting my life to what I can and can not do, and thus really making life decisions in that instance that effect my entire life just within the sporting region.

If I look at girls within my schooling years – how come I was insecure around girls and thus shy to ask them out or to just be with them, because there was always a few boys who seemed to dame comfortable – and they usually had money and things and status just by the family they come from, or it could be the other way around, a poor guy that has a lot of confidence because he has nothing to lose for example so he takes the chances.

So I had many instance to compare and to in the moment judge myself and to then decide within myself – am I going to be insecure or confident and do it.

I usually chose insecure at this age, later on it changed. But it changed in a deceptive way.

I will expand on the relationship point a bit more because it is such a big point in this world. I never went for the girls I liked – because I liked them from afar lol – and in my mind I always liked the pretty girls with a good status in school, suppose it’s like that for many. So in my mind the girl is everything I am not, because it’s all judgments and comparisons within my mind based on assumption, contact never happened.

So I will just spy and look and become a Intel guy, finding everything out I can about the girl, to compare myself even more and more, to make sure that what I fear is true, that she is too good for me. Deliberately creating the insecurity through, to use the insecurity to never act, I am just not confident, the other guys can do it, just look at them, they just know how to, the girls just like them naturally, I feel like I have to work for it and prove it, it isn’t naturally me as it seems like to be for the other guys.

So I create this entire mind job for myself, where all my Intel and information is literally just gathered from observation and then speaking to myself within my own mind – well that’s pretty stupid isnt it, because my own perspective on things is really limited, I can only give myself perspective as far as my own knowledge and information go, which is dame limited – yet that’s also not the point, why speculate and compare in one’s own mind when it would take five minutes to face reality and find out for real the facts – see that’s the point I feared.

Because reality isn’t just reality – it comes with me facing my internal reality as well, it comes with facing what’s happening within me while I am physically facing the point – like actually talking to the girl, so much back chat on what could happen, what if, should I or should I not, it is intense inside, yet if the internal shit did not exist I do see how it would be completely different, this is what I realized later on the other guys have already realized, but through their parents. Because each house hold is different a lot of boys already at a young age interacted with girls through social events, families and their friends, I never got that, yet this could have also just happened at the social event.
To be continued.

Day 473 - Insecurity and part of my story Part 1

I have been insecure all my life, people would not say that about me from observing me, in fact people would say I am the opposite, yet that is exactly why there are insecurities.

Let me explain: I started out my life as quite an alone child, not lonely, just alone, I grew up in a small town with a very low population, below a thousand. This meant there weren’t many children to play with or other people to interact with. So I learned to entertain myself and to be comfortable with myself and my expression being mostly alone with myself.

So after many years of establishing this relationship with myself of being a loner, and being confident being alone with myself, I now had another problem which only came up after I moved from the small town to a city, or to add the new perspective, the city had a problem with my behavior and my loner confidence, it was different and not really appealing to others.

In the city after thirteen years of growing up in a very quiet town with if memory serves me right, five other kids in the entire town that I could find in thirteen years’ time, all of different ages, I was suddenly surrounded by thousands of other people daily, the streets were packed with people, there were shops and malls and cars driving all the time, even at night one can hear the cars driving.

So I would start out in my new home with what I know best, to hit the streets with my bicycle and to explore the surrounding areas, I discovered that I was able to drive to shops and to malls, and just park my bicycle somewhere and go into the mall and walk around. This was exciting and new, I saw myself having twice as much as fun because of the amount of activities that are now available. But I did not consider a few points.

It seems that in the cities people roam around in groups, I would guess it is for protection, I would assume the protection is from other groups, I did not quite get it, because thus far all my life I have been roaming around all alone and never needed a group with me.

Sure the groups had fun together but that was a disguise – not by assumption from my side, but from experience, as I was driving my bicycle the first day around the new town/city, I was stopped twice by groups of kids. The first group was three boys, slightly older than me on their own bicycles, they stopped me through ramming one of their bicycles into my front wheel, then the one boy asked me what are you going to do about it, I said sorry, he laughed and the other two said you better be sorry, and they circled me a few times with their bicycles as to prevent me from having mobility. They left and I started paddling the opposite way as I was unsure what they will do next if they still see me within their range.

The second time was on my way back home, as I stopped at a shop to get something to drink I encountered two other guys, I wanted to get onto my bicycle, but I was called out by one of the guys, as I looked back he asked me if I have something for him, I said no I just have this, and I continued to get onto my bicycle. I started moving faster as they did not leave me alone and kept behind me, and then one said, we will be waiting here for you till next time.

I got home and my first impression was, I am in danger here – I felt insecure suddenly, NOT save, not secure.

The point I want to make here is, the insecurity did not come from the guys that I encountered, it was already within me, because I have never dealt with such points or trained on dealing within such point or made aware that such point exist, it was all new to me, it was quite intense in some moments.

So at home I realized that for myself to survive living in this town/city I have to make some adjustment to myself – BUT what??

I realized on day one, the way I dressed was not the same as how the city kids dress, I dressed completely different – I dressed in a way that I was comfortable within and not within how I look, because in my old town, no one gave a shit and everyone just relaxed and dressed what is comfortable – so I have to change my dress code to fit in and not look like a “loser”.

Also the way the kids were sounding in speaking and how they spoke was completely different, they had no respect or common decency for one another, swearing left and right and using a “bad word with every third word they use, Fuck this Fuck that motherfucker, cunt, bitch etc etc, with each other never mind with me a stranger.

So I had to now practice using swearing words and how to incorporate them into my vocabulary and grammar.

Then the third and not last point, I needed to get a group, I need friends in this town to drive around with, otherwise I am a target for nasty people to have fun with, which at that moment seemed like every young kid, asking myself, what is the parents like then, because from my upbringing I assumed that the kids are the reflection of the parents and how they train us, does not matter if the kids are with or without the parents, it’s who you are.

So here I started my Journey of creating and sustaining insecurities that till today govern my live in certain aspects as I require to be insecure to consistently remind me of what I must watch out for and fear so that I can counter act the insecurities with an appropriate behavior that will make me feel secure and “seem secure.

But through my process with Desteni I have come to look at insecurities in a different way, see I made it all about changing my outer and my actions, instead of look at what has the moment that presented themselves to me like with the two groups of boys/men, that I had to change within me, inside of me with integrity and to stand.

Because changing my actions first from a fear point as insecurities I will have consequences that is fear, not a correction of equality and oneness that is in synchronicity with me and what is here as best for all including myself obviously that what best for all mean but including all as me.

The consequences of this is me trapping myself into a mind fuck for eternity never finding myself but always pretending and being something that is expected and what is energy bases, which in the long run drains one and makes one feel and be exhausted as it’s a front being kept up, because self-inside has never changed, the insecurity is and has always been there, never really been dealt with but just hidden.

So I am looking at it now where as insecurity is an opportunity, if we take the word insecurity we can see the following – IN SEE CURE – to see inside self in the moment of feeling insecure is also the cure for the moment – insecure is simply a moment where a weakness inside self in exposed, the weakness can be that the insecurity is a delusion/illusion or it’s a mind fuck or it is because of a point self hasn’t faced or walked through, but it is to SEE inside oneself what it is, self-honesty is required with common sense in the moment, rational thought that is based on the mathematical equation of one plus one equals two and to see the moment, how could the moment have been different and who one must be as someone that is living what is best for all, to stop this world from living in an insecure state of each other and to live secure among each other through each human being a self-honest and self-responsible person for through own thoughts and feelings and emotions and to not play the nasty bullshit out on each other where we leach on insecure people by creating insecure humans.

This is not done – to be continued, On the story and the insights.

Day 68 – The Personality Suite Part 3 – Behavior 2

Ok so I have been looking at personality traits within my behaviors as to what I have created as my Suit to put on in this world. 

On Day 67 Behavior 1 I looked at the stability front/trait I have created to give forth as who I am yet its only a suit and not real, today I am going to look at the always happy smile me.

I asked myself – can I walk around all day without smiling once, is it possible to test myself in such a way to see if I am really directing me, or if the personality will kick in self defense, hiding and deceiving/manipulating and all the other points that gives the reason/justification for why I have created such trait within my personality suit. To survive!!

Self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smile to hide what is really going on in fear of others judging me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smile to pretend in front of others that it is going good with me just so that my life does not seem less than theirs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide the truth of myself from myself through always wanting and pretending to be happy to temporarily suppress the shit going on in the world and my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking self responsibility for myself and my world and through this pretend everything is going fine with a big fuck you smile.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always smile when I am in a group of people or with specific people just to give the impression it is going as well with me just not to concern them, realizing I am deceiving them and lying to myself as I know the world isn’t okay and we humans are fucking everything up and yet no one can even admit it to each other and just hide it all with a big fuck you smile.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smile and pretend I am fucking happy as society wants me to be or I will be seen as a threat as I admit the reality of this world when I do not smile and get serious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smile in the fear of facing conflict with other beings as I might disturb their day if I show a little bit of the truth of me as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, realizing that when I do not smile it does not mean |I have to go into the polarity of being depressed or angry or unhappy, but it is to breathe and Be here within the reality as the physical one and equal and to not use smiling to hide and lie. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use smiling as a shield to hide, blinding the people looking at me with my white light teeth so that they may not see the darkness that lies behind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smile when meeting new people or being around certain people just to hold back the words I actually want to let our but  instead place the bars in front of my mouth so that the words cannot escape my mouth, realizing it isn’t to not stop smiling and suddenly say everything I want, it is to breathe and to realize that what goes on inside me as positive or negative must STOP both ways, thus stopping what the smile hides and so stop the smile as there is nothing to hide and no more deception, lies, manipulation, hiding

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my smile as a defense, so that when I open my  mouth and the whiteness of my teeth is revealed the other person cannot help but to only notice the white and to forget to look at all my problems so that I can remain within them and feel save with my problems. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my smile to mislead people to think I am always happy and that they are probably missing out on life somewhere as I can smile and they cannot, realizing that I am only fooling myself to play this game as I will always remain me behind my prison of white toothed bars.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my smile in situations as part of my personality suit to say I am okay, I can handle this, I am strong and to hide the actual experience of me and to lose the one chance of facing myself and to take self responsibility for what exist within me in the moment of breathe and self forgive and rebirth.

I commit myself to breathe and to stop the automated smile that comes up in moments, and to show myself that the smile that wanted to come out automatically within the moment was specific and that it was with a purpose, and to look within the moment/scenario/situation what was happening and what the smile wanted to hide/prevent and all other possible points.

Day 67 – The Personality Suit Part 2 - behavior 1

Ok so in part two I am going to go more into detail with my personality and certain traits that I have designed myself as the personality, these traits will be focused on the personality points that I have identified myself as, as the personality.

These are the traits that I will always make sure that when I meat people they must know me as these traits of my personality – you know the things you always do not matter with who you are as the main YOU (personality) that is imposed onto others as this is who I am, then all the small personality traits will always change and be different according to what is required in the situation environment. 

These personality traits is mostly in behaviors, you cannot help yourself but to live, be this personality because look it is in your behavior so it must be who you are, well it is to realize that it is who you have created yourself as. As the personality suit that you cannot even see you have a suit on anymore.

My first point will be on always being the “stable” guy in presentation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present myself as stable when I meet new people as the personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present myself as stable and quite when meeting new people in order to lurk them in, into feeling save around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present a image of myself as the personality of stability when around people or meeting new people to not “impose: on them in the fear of not being accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive others and myself within giving forth the presentation that I am stable and quite while in fact I am talking and scanning and observing and creating all kinds of evil shit in my head towards them and the environment, realizing that I am only deceiving myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give forth a personality as energy that gives the impression that I am stable to get others to accept me and to trust me, realizing that I do not even trust myself as I have to wear a personality suite to give forth a false picture/idea/impression of myself to hide behind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put on the personality suit of looking and giving the impression I am stable instead of actually being stable, realizing that if I take self responsibility for what goes on within me through writing and self forgiveness I can birth myself as stability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put on/wear the personality suite that gives a impression I am stable in the fear of that if others do not see me as stable that they will reject me, realizing that the image of stability I am presenting is but only a image that society have accepted and how stability looks like, reali9zing that stability is to have the ability to stand stand/stay still within any situation as breathe, as standing in the middle of a storm and to know Who I am as breath as life one and equal as that which is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify stability as a personality one must have that presents a certain picture to people.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize stability as breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to split myself in to as me and as a personality just to not to have to face who I am with or without others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to look at why I have created a personality trait that gives the impression to people that I am stable and that it is not acceptable as I still allow myself to not be stable in fact as breathe as Who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I require a personality to hide what is going on within me to give the impression that I am stable, realizing that I do not have to hide it from myself and that I can actually take what goes on within me as the storm and still stand as breathe and to look and self forgive what is within me and to birth myself as breathe as stability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the behavioral pattern as stability within my personality so that when I am around people I restrict myself from expressing myself and being here until I have found I am save and can let go of the stability trait and only then express myself.

I realize it isn’t to create a whole personality at all and that personality isn’t necessary, as the personality is actually that which allowed one to be unstable as the personality always changes, it is to breathe and be here within and as the physical moving, directing expressing self honesty and to live practically as that which is best for all life all ways, it is so much simpler and can be trusted by self and thus self stability. 

To Be Continued.