Day 583 - We tend to forget when things are “Happy”

Happiness is a disease, it brings ease to us in a world of pain, where we can experience a sense of gain, as if life is moving forward, BUT only for ourselves, yet in this world where the basis of every beings existence is that of suffering, there cannot be any gain, it is only creating Loss, a loss of life, a loss to never be gained back, when an animal goes extinct, that is it, when an innocent child dies of starvation or extreme abuse, that LIFE is lost – no one is gaining, happiness is a disease that people are attempting to affect others with as a feeling, feeling blessed, feeling lucky, feeling like things are getting better. The matter of fact is that what matters as the physical that is designed in oneness where nothing is in fact separate, and thus implies that as long as YOU are happy you are in fact the most negative message on earth as you can be happy while suffering is taking place continuously, your happiness is deceiving others from seeing what is truly here, your happiness is pulling a cloth over the eyes of those that DO have the power (which is MONEY) to do anything about this reality, where your Happiness is LYING to others that they can do what you do, be happy and forget, be happy and join MY happiness, this is better, when the most positive message we can really give each other is reality, the truth of what is HERE within the understanding of oneness as a whole, so that we can POSITIVELY take action to bring about a world of true happiness where all life is Equal and taken care of equally, but this frightens people, to have to face the reality of what is here.

Take a look at yourself – see how others “happiness” that they deceive with in pictures effect you, you suddenly want it for yourself, yet you know, to have that happiness you must FORGET about the truth of Yourself and this world, you must indulge in ignorance and Blissfulness, you must put on a mask and play a character that seemingly has a GOOD life – happiness isn’t achievable within how the world exist currently, it is impossible, stop seeking happiness, there really is NO happiness till there is equality for all, till all life can truly express themselves fully without any FEAR, without any NEED threatened. When you see a happy couple, a happy person within their wok, within their family, within their Friend circles, within their lives – then you must know, that is but a moment, a moment in a picture, not the reality, not the truth, that s hidden, that is never revealed, that is how happiness can always ONLY be a picture within this current reality, when you take a picture of a moment of “happiness” what do you find? You had to possessed by a character, you had to be full of energy to really force that happiness out, to really suppress ALL and everything you know to be the truth, and see how easily it is to forget in a sudden moment just to experience yourself as happy, it is so easy because the world is so Damn negative, but we do not dare taking on that negativity as ourselves and not to mention this world.

So – when you heck yourself, remind yourself why you are HERE, do not forget and fall for the quick very very small moment of happiness that will present itself as a solution for NOW just not to experience yourself as useless and not able to do anything, facing and dealing with yourself is the first point of empowerment, and only through being real about that Truth of what is here as You can we start facing the truth of what is here as the world, and it isn’t pretty, it is scary, it is evil beyond what we can conceive, we have blinded ourselves for so long we can virtually even say to ourselves that things are looking better. It isn’t, stop denying the reality of what is HERE, only once we all stand up and as Individuals stand as a group within the SAME principles that is FOR and AS LIFE, can we actually start seeing change through taking on this world.

There is support for TRUE happiness – Detseni I Process is that support, Eqafe is that Support, the Detseni Forums is that support. Desteni is the most positive message in this world, it is Equality – and actually understanding it.

Day 474 - Insecurity and Part of my Story Part 2

continuing from day 473 - insecurity and part of my story part 1

In my previous blog I gave a brief example of how I have come to realize my insecurity within me through certain events happening within my environment.

Now I want to touch on the point of what is here with me now as insecurity. Something off topic that I would like to share as well.

When we accept and allow any feeling/emotion or experience within as true and valid, we don’t just accept and allow that feeling/emotion or experience as just that, we are in that moment accepting and allowing ourselves to not literally shape and create ourselves and our reality according to that acceptances and allowance.

So looking at insecurity I can see within myself and within my reality how I have Limited myself to quite an extend within what I do, how I live, what I am willing to do and how I have through the acceptance and allowance of the insecurity to literally create my life.

I am going to share a few general points that one can maybe relate to to see how this effects one’s life within accepting and allowing any feeling/emotion or experience to be taken as real and valid and given power.

From my past decisions I had to make in life I made them from a point of first accessing myself, if I like a certain girl or sport or hobby or friend for example in school, I will first access myself and then see if I am a fit within myself for the topic, the assessment that I make is bias as it is based on personal self-created opinions I have about myself, of which one of the influences of decision making will be insecurity, am I insecure or not.

Now what within one’s own mind determines the insecurities? How did the insecurities end up in there, how were they determined, what made them real within one’s own mind.

This is what I want to explore and get to, why am I insecure within certain parts of my life, in fact the most important parts of life.

When I look self –honestly at how and why I am insecure within certain parts of my life I can see the word comparison – for me to be insecure I had to have something outside of myself that influenced me which I then accepted and allowed obviously to be the influence, and then I used that comparison.
Lets take sport for example – I see hundreds of other kids doing sports, I now compare myself to how they are doing it and how I am doing it, within this I then create a comparison where I scale myself, either low medium or high, and if its in the low I will be insecure about the certain sport and doing it – thus make a decision to not do it, even if the point of the sport is for fun and not always winning. Thus limiting my life to what I can and can not do, and thus really making life decisions in that instance that effect my entire life just within the sporting region.

If I look at girls within my schooling years – how come I was insecure around girls and thus shy to ask them out or to just be with them, because there was always a few boys who seemed to dame comfortable – and they usually had money and things and status just by the family they come from, or it could be the other way around, a poor guy that has a lot of confidence because he has nothing to lose for example so he takes the chances.

So I had many instance to compare and to in the moment judge myself and to then decide within myself – am I going to be insecure or confident and do it.

I usually chose insecure at this age, later on it changed. But it changed in a deceptive way.

I will expand on the relationship point a bit more because it is such a big point in this world. I never went for the girls I liked – because I liked them from afar lol – and in my mind I always liked the pretty girls with a good status in school, suppose it’s like that for many. So in my mind the girl is everything I am not, because it’s all judgments and comparisons within my mind based on assumption, contact never happened.

So I will just spy and look and become a Intel guy, finding everything out I can about the girl, to compare myself even more and more, to make sure that what I fear is true, that she is too good for me. Deliberately creating the insecurity through, to use the insecurity to never act, I am just not confident, the other guys can do it, just look at them, they just know how to, the girls just like them naturally, I feel like I have to work for it and prove it, it isn’t naturally me as it seems like to be for the other guys.

So I create this entire mind job for myself, where all my Intel and information is literally just gathered from observation and then speaking to myself within my own mind – well that’s pretty stupid isnt it, because my own perspective on things is really limited, I can only give myself perspective as far as my own knowledge and information go, which is dame limited – yet that’s also not the point, why speculate and compare in one’s own mind when it would take five minutes to face reality and find out for real the facts – see that’s the point I feared.

Because reality isn’t just reality – it comes with me facing my internal reality as well, it comes with facing what’s happening within me while I am physically facing the point – like actually talking to the girl, so much back chat on what could happen, what if, should I or should I not, it is intense inside, yet if the internal shit did not exist I do see how it would be completely different, this is what I realized later on the other guys have already realized, but through their parents. Because each house hold is different a lot of boys already at a young age interacted with girls through social events, families and their friends, I never got that, yet this could have also just happened at the social event.
To be continued.

Day 473 - Insecurity and part of my story Part 1

I have been insecure all my life, people would not say that about me from observing me, in fact people would say I am the opposite, yet that is exactly why there are insecurities.

Let me explain: I started out my life as quite an alone child, not lonely, just alone, I grew up in a small town with a very low population, below a thousand. This meant there weren’t many children to play with or other people to interact with. So I learned to entertain myself and to be comfortable with myself and my expression being mostly alone with myself.

So after many years of establishing this relationship with myself of being a loner, and being confident being alone with myself, I now had another problem which only came up after I moved from the small town to a city, or to add the new perspective, the city had a problem with my behavior and my loner confidence, it was different and not really appealing to others.

In the city after thirteen years of growing up in a very quiet town with if memory serves me right, five other kids in the entire town that I could find in thirteen years’ time, all of different ages, I was suddenly surrounded by thousands of other people daily, the streets were packed with people, there were shops and malls and cars driving all the time, even at night one can hear the cars driving.

So I would start out in my new home with what I know best, to hit the streets with my bicycle and to explore the surrounding areas, I discovered that I was able to drive to shops and to malls, and just park my bicycle somewhere and go into the mall and walk around. This was exciting and new, I saw myself having twice as much as fun because of the amount of activities that are now available. But I did not consider a few points.

It seems that in the cities people roam around in groups, I would guess it is for protection, I would assume the protection is from other groups, I did not quite get it, because thus far all my life I have been roaming around all alone and never needed a group with me.

Sure the groups had fun together but that was a disguise – not by assumption from my side, but from experience, as I was driving my bicycle the first day around the new town/city, I was stopped twice by groups of kids. The first group was three boys, slightly older than me on their own bicycles, they stopped me through ramming one of their bicycles into my front wheel, then the one boy asked me what are you going to do about it, I said sorry, he laughed and the other two said you better be sorry, and they circled me a few times with their bicycles as to prevent me from having mobility. They left and I started paddling the opposite way as I was unsure what they will do next if they still see me within their range.

The second time was on my way back home, as I stopped at a shop to get something to drink I encountered two other guys, I wanted to get onto my bicycle, but I was called out by one of the guys, as I looked back he asked me if I have something for him, I said no I just have this, and I continued to get onto my bicycle. I started moving faster as they did not leave me alone and kept behind me, and then one said, we will be waiting here for you till next time.

I got home and my first impression was, I am in danger here – I felt insecure suddenly, NOT save, not secure.

The point I want to make here is, the insecurity did not come from the guys that I encountered, it was already within me, because I have never dealt with such points or trained on dealing within such point or made aware that such point exist, it was all new to me, it was quite intense in some moments.

So at home I realized that for myself to survive living in this town/city I have to make some adjustment to myself – BUT what??

I realized on day one, the way I dressed was not the same as how the city kids dress, I dressed completely different – I dressed in a way that I was comfortable within and not within how I look, because in my old town, no one gave a shit and everyone just relaxed and dressed what is comfortable – so I have to change my dress code to fit in and not look like a “loser”.

Also the way the kids were sounding in speaking and how they spoke was completely different, they had no respect or common decency for one another, swearing left and right and using a “bad word with every third word they use, Fuck this Fuck that motherfucker, cunt, bitch etc etc, with each other never mind with me a stranger.

So I had to now practice using swearing words and how to incorporate them into my vocabulary and grammar.

Then the third and not last point, I needed to get a group, I need friends in this town to drive around with, otherwise I am a target for nasty people to have fun with, which at that moment seemed like every young kid, asking myself, what is the parents like then, because from my upbringing I assumed that the kids are the reflection of the parents and how they train us, does not matter if the kids are with or without the parents, it’s who you are.

So here I started my Journey of creating and sustaining insecurities that till today govern my live in certain aspects as I require to be insecure to consistently remind me of what I must watch out for and fear so that I can counter act the insecurities with an appropriate behavior that will make me feel secure and “seem secure.

But through my process with Desteni I have come to look at insecurities in a different way, see I made it all about changing my outer and my actions, instead of look at what has the moment that presented themselves to me like with the two groups of boys/men, that I had to change within me, inside of me with integrity and to stand.

Because changing my actions first from a fear point as insecurities I will have consequences that is fear, not a correction of equality and oneness that is in synchronicity with me and what is here as best for all including myself obviously that what best for all mean but including all as me.

The consequences of this is me trapping myself into a mind fuck for eternity never finding myself but always pretending and being something that is expected and what is energy bases, which in the long run drains one and makes one feel and be exhausted as it’s a front being kept up, because self-inside has never changed, the insecurity is and has always been there, never really been dealt with but just hidden.

So I am looking at it now where as insecurity is an opportunity, if we take the word insecurity we can see the following – IN SEE CURE – to see inside self in the moment of feeling insecure is also the cure for the moment – insecure is simply a moment where a weakness inside self in exposed, the weakness can be that the insecurity is a delusion/illusion or it’s a mind fuck or it is because of a point self hasn’t faced or walked through, but it is to SEE inside oneself what it is, self-honesty is required with common sense in the moment, rational thought that is based on the mathematical equation of one plus one equals two and to see the moment, how could the moment have been different and who one must be as someone that is living what is best for all, to stop this world from living in an insecure state of each other and to live secure among each other through each human being a self-honest and self-responsible person for through own thoughts and feelings and emotions and to not play the nasty bullshit out on each other where we leach on insecure people by creating insecure humans.

This is not done – to be continued, On the story and the insights.

Day 38 - I looked up to you - till now.

I use to have a friend that I looked up to a lot, like I would actually be in competition with this friend, because I saw him as more than me and that he had more friends, people liked him, he was strong, and the whole group would decide on what his decisions were.

He could make jokes about anyone in the group that was downgrading, nasty or mean and he would get away with it as everyone would simply laugh at it, I became the same as I started mimicking his techniques and ways of behavior, I obviously added me own bits of ego to make it seem better and more.

Within all of this I have actually created fear and anxiety being in this friends presence, because I allowe3d him to make jokes of me, call me names and make me seem less than him, I accepted it as part of the relationship, that this is how it is, I will just have to take the punches, because I looked up to him.

I could have stopped it through not laughing at the jokes he make about me and feeding it, I could have stopped it through saying, that isn't funny, I could have stopped it through having a bit of conflict within taking the points on, but I did not, I allowe4d my friend to see himself as more than me, just so I can be his friend, I knew that if I did not allow it he would have tried to find different friends where h can be the Alfa so to say, but I wante3d him as a friend for my own self interest, he was my competition.

The only way I could have allowed it all within me was because I made myself believe it must be who I am, every time he made a comment on my physical design, or every time he would tease my intelligence or tease me for being bad in relationships or at sex, I knew none of it was true and everything he was saying was his interpretation and what he projected onto me from h8imself, but the fact that I allowed it shows me that I did identify myself with all those things in some way, and later on actually started manifesting myself according to his judgments towards me that I accepted first and then allowed as my own judgments.

So it did not matter what he said to me , it was about who I am, if I knew who I am then what he said would have had no influence on me at all, as who I am was already stable and standing as who I am, and thus as who I am could not be moved or influenced unless I accepted it and allowed it.

So the point is to forgive myself for accepting and allowing the separation and judgments as me, as believing it must be who I am if he says so, yet I always decide in the end.

Self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look up to someone else as if they are more than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that some humans are more than others, realizing that this can only exist if oneself judge oneself a certain way as being less than, instead of remaining here in the physical where all humans are exactly the same, made from flesh and bone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place certain people more than myself and certain people as less than me, realizing that through this I am accepting and allowing those that I see as more than me to abuse and use me as they please and so I do the same with those that I see as less than me, Thus I realize it is to not create more or less according to ego and personalities as they are all simply energy formed entities that will die the same way at death, realizing it is to consider the physical where all humans are equal in all ways to the exact same physical elements and limitations with in the flesh and to accordingly live from this starting point as equals in all ways as it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give some people that I judge as having special ego's due to observations I make in their lives as having more friends, having more jokes and better hair or more women/men as more than myself and others, thus I realize I am giving permission for such people through my own believes that I have created about them to abuse and use me and others as they please with out consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to be humiliated in front of others within the starting point of ego as allowing myself to be downgraded by a friend that I judged and saw as being more than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of friends/people that I have created as more than myself within my own mid, realizing that it is not real but created within me as my own opinions/judgments/ideas/believes and so lived in and as the physical through my actions based on my judgments.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that through accepting and allowing myself to create someone more than me or others I am giving them power over me and others to do what they want as their ego's and thus I realize I am the continuation of the ego that does not see live as equals but as more than life, and thus I realize i am the cause and affect of inequality through not realizing myself as equals to all that is here as life one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as less than others and to judge others as less then myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that only I can be the creator of equality or inequality due to what I accept and allow to exist within me as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed both ego's as mine and the other persons through my own self judgments of myself that supports both sides of the coin as one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my own fear within others through what I accept and allow within myself so to manifest within others through my behaviors as accepted and allowed self created nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create both polarities of the same coin as superior and inferior through my own self interest and survival as what I accept and allow within me to survive within this world and so to manifest outside of me in self interest, creating ego's that exist only for themselves no matter who they hurt or have to use to survive, even if you call them friends for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create emotional connection to the people I look up to in order to be able to use these emotion when i feel the relationship as my self interest if threatened to keep the friendship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I can trust the people I look up to, realizing that I look up to them because I do not trust myself in the first place and so the thrust I place within them is emotional and not real trust that is based in space and time in and as the physical as that which is real that can be trusted through the test of time, and so I realize that those that I look up to is simply a point in my life that I have created to separate myself for them as being more so that I do not have to take full self responsibility for myself as who I am as I have created people I look up to, to define who I am for me, as this is un acceptable and not trust worthy as I must trust myself and define myself as life as that which I am in fact as life one and equal that is best for all life in all ways.

I commit myself to stop the separation of inferiority and superiority and to take self responsibility for myself as who I am as equals in and as the physical in all ways and to stop feeding the egos that is in disregard of life and only serve in self interest that is not best for all life but only seeking self fulfillment and energy to feed on.

I commit myself to to show and reveal the deception that friendship is based on within self interest and that all friendships are in fact based on abuse and jealousy of each other, as fiend use each other for their own self interest goals, as the proof is that people only make friends with people who have the same level of money within the system. As money determines friendships currently and friendships is where you seek out potential weaker people than yourself to only boost your won ego of self interest.

I commit myself to stop the separation of looking up and looking down on people and to instead stop the separation with8in myself and to live it as with outside of myself so that I may create that which is best for all life in all ways.

I commit myself to stop praising some egos as more than others and to judge some egos as being more than the physical, as the physical shows to use in all ways that all humans and life in its essence are the same, and thus the ego as the mind is irrelevant as it dies at death where the physical lives on, thus I commit myself to expose the ego as the illusion it is as the mind own self created delusion.