Reacting to "I must be Stupid - Day 284

Reacting - Revenge of the Ego Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as someone calls my name within the expectation of fear that I will be judged as lazy/pathetic/stupid or full of excuses, and to within this Get my Defense system up and ready as "backchat" that will come up.

So what have I noticed within that Self forgiveness statement, I see that I already have Judgments within me of being stupid/lazy/pathetic or a lot of excuses ABOUT things I am being lazy about or being full of excuses about or being pathetic and where I still accept and allow stupidity within me as not correcting myself and this is MY self-dishonesty and it is always in relation to CURRENT events/situations and things going on, so when and as someone else calls me or talks to me I already have these points within me that I am trying to hide where I am being dishonest towards myself, and so I react when someone may just push those points, even if they are not aware of them at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I am always the one judging me in my head as being stupid, seeing and realizing that I judge myself as stupid because I am well aware of my weaknesses such as reading/writing and remembering things and that I am not doing anything to correct me within the point, thus when someone else acts/behaves/speak towards me that make it seem like they are judging me as stupid I feel threatened and thus go into reaction as to protect my weakness and not have to face myself as my own self dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as i feel threatened to be exposed as what I am accepting and allowing of myself as being stupid and that I am not correcting myself to React as a fight or flight mechanism to defend my weakness. Instead of seeing and realizing that I have to change who I am within the point of feeling stupid through actually physically improving my skills and abilities within reading/writing/understanding and comprehending things through doing those things daily till I am effective and confident within myself to do it as who I am as a expression of myself and not to do it from the starting point of fear - as fearing to be seen as stupid because then I will never be good enough as the fear will always make everything I do seem small and like nothing as the mind will fuck with me if I give it power over me as energy and thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I will never be able to read something and remember it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately not remember what I have red

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as someone is showing me how to do something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Intemperate someone showing me how to do something as them thinking I am Stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stupid when and as someone is showing me how to do something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Get angry at other people when and as they show me something because I judge myself as being stupid for not knowing already.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Judge myself as being Stupid and inferior to others for not knowing something already.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Belief that I must react and defend myself when and as someone is showing me how to do something where I make myself feel stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stupid when and as someone shows me how to do something even after I have been doing the particular thing for years myself, and to then get angry at the other person because I take it as them making me small and as if I am stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself feel small and stupid and like I am useless when someone is showing me something that I must do within the belief that because of how long I have been doing it I do n to need help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react and to get possessed by ENERGY when and as someone is showing me something as a way to defend myself and to NOT to have to feel small, seeing and realizing that me feeling small as being stupid is only me experiencing it and thus it isn’t what is happening.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when and as someone is making me feel small or attempting to, that REACTING isn’t a justification to react and that I must breathe at all times and take myself through the reaction to the physical reality HERE and to apply and learn and grow.

Reacting - Revenge of the Ego - Day 283

How do I react, when I react I become possessed with energy, I lose all focus, my eyes literally starts to shake, I lose my words, I can’t think at all, I shake and my heart beats fast, I sometime (depends on the situation) become weak in my body, like there is no power in my body, I lose myself and I am taken over by energy.

This is me going into fight or flight mode, when and as I react, I feel/believe that what is happening is personal and attacking me and unfair, thus the fight or flight mode kicks in, I tend to go into fighting with words, but my words are lost, I am simply speaking my back chat, I am spreading energy and not making any common sense.

When and as I feel that I am loosing within the argument or the situation and I am reacting I make my voice louder, I start to scream even and I shake more and more, I fear what I might do, this fear then shuts my body down from being able to do anything, I am numb, I fear losing the “battle”, I must try and do something, the weakness in my body makes me feel even worse, sometimes I will even go into physical tendencies such as hitting a door or a pole to release/direct the energy within me to getout, to get rid of the possession but it only strengthens it. It is only making me angry; I am angry at myself for how I am handling the situation, this could have been avoided if only I did not take it personal and if I was breathing.

I feel it is to late, I now have to either completely give up what’s happening and lose or go all the way within the reaction just to feel I am not losing, I usually give up and I loose, because i can see where this might go, I fear where the reaction might go, I lose physical eye sight sometimes for a moment, I have no real recollection of what is happening or happened during the reaction afterwards, I feel ashamed and diminished, i feel that I have sold myself out.

The back chat after the reaction is clear, the thoughts and thinking running through my head, they show me what was the initial points that I was having back chat about before the reaction, and the thoughts and the justifications and the comparisons etc that builds up the inner conversations, then when and as the moment comes that I am faced with myself and I react, I re enact what I previously did in my mind into physical reality, which never works out and the energy takes over.

This is where I see how I create the reaction, and I see a practical way to “prevent” these situations and to not fall in the trap of energy.

I see that the reaction is taken personal, the reaction is existent because “personal” exist, so I look at what it is personally that I have Identified myself as, as living words that I have within me, that is of fear/separation, because it is those words that I have identified myself as that when I experience them I react. It is usually my Weaknesses.

I have Identified four words – Stupid, Pathetic, Lazy, excuses – these words are the words that I experience and React to, as I have created a fear towards these words that someone might Identify me as those words, only to discover that I have Identified myself as those words, and no matter how much work I do or how intelligent I become or how awesome I become or how I improve on those points, I am those words in my head – showing me that all the effort I do to get away from those words is in the starting point of fear, and when someone does something in my reality that might just make me seem/feel stupid/lazy/pathetic/ or full of excuses I react BIG time as the ego as the fear will try and defend and protect. Even if the other persons intention wasn’t that at all.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when someone asks me to do something that seem unfair.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within back chat and thoughts as comparisons of what I do and what I can do to others and to within this react when and as I see others aren’t doing or being willing to do what I do or can do and to then within my mind have secret conversations with myself where I make it all seem justifiable and self righteous .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to unfairness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create unfairness through comparing myself to others and what others do to myself and what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be a fair person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I am the only fair person on earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as fairness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize how I am setting up myself and reality for me to react through defining myself as fairness where everyone else will seem unfair to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value in what I do as oppose to what others do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and if they are moving as much sand as I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and if they can do as much digging as I can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself more in my own eyes because I can do more digging than others and to then hold it against others as if I am doing more and thus they are stupid and weak and un able to do real stuff.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do all the hard work from the starting point of now everyone else owns me something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dig and work as much as I can to make everyone else seem useless and weak so that I can always feel better about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to work hard within the intention of making everyone else seem like they are doing nothing within my eyes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do the things I do as physical work or work in front of the PC with the evil intent of seeing if anyone else is also doing it because I am and can do it so they must and therefore if they can’t do it as well they are lazy and weak and pathetic and lying and just plain full of excuses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as pathetic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as just full of excuses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as someone is saying something to me that makes me experience myself as pathetic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as someone says or do something towards me that make me experiences myself as pathetic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as someone says or do something towards me that make me experience myself as lazy, or as if I was being lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as someone says something to me that makes me experience myself as being full of excuses, or as if I haven’t been doing my best already.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I judge others as being lazy that I am just projecting my own fear of being seen as lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I judge others as being full of excuses that it is only me projecting my own fear of being seen as being full of excuses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I judge others as being pathetic that it is only me projecting my own fear as being seen judged as being pathetic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I judge others as being lazy that it is only my own fear as being seen as being lazy by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I judge someone else as being stupid that it is only my own fear of being seen judged as stupid that I project onto them, to make myself feel better.
To Be Continued.

Day 98 – Moving myself Moving the World Part 4.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see things that needs to be done within practicality in my world and within what is best for all life to create the thought fo seeing myself doing it and already experiencing myself in the current moment as I project how I belief/judge how I will experience myself and to then create the back chat of – “I do not want to experience myself that way” – “I would rather go watch something or sit outside” – thus seeing and realizing that through participating within the mind as thoughts as energy that I actually create an experience within me of something that still has to come where as in the current moment I have no idea of how I will in fact experience myself, and so I see and realize that to project how I belief/judge how I will experience myself in the future in things to come is me already making it so, setting it is stone for myself while in fact it is just of the mind and not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself according to my own judgments/beliefs of things and thus I belief according to my judgment that I can only experience myself in that certain way within that event as I judged it, not seeing and realizing that it is my judgment that is making it so, thus I have the power to not judge at all and to instead breathe and to when/if the moment comes I will be here in and as the physical with no self imposed self created experiences of energy that only limits me in all ways, either through being emotional or full of fear and anxiety stress and or the opposites, as both are energy and polarities it is best to not feed one or the other as they require each other to exist as energy and thus breathing as no energy is the solution to real freedom and no self created limitations of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I participate within thoughts of the the future/past to go into the thoughts and give them validation as if they have the power to determine what I will do and not do, instead of realizing that I create the thoughts and thus I can stop and breathe and remain here one and equal as the physical moving myself as the physical where no energy/mind that is limited to its own information decide for me what I can and can not do but to instead use the physical as the true mind to show me what is here to be done and how within the principal of what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into resistance of moving myself when and as a thought comes up that presents me with a picture of something else I could be doing such as taking a nap or going to the mall or the beach and to then judge what is here to do as that which is best for all life as less than and as something that isnt “fun” to do, thus I realize this is only possible through the process of brainwashing that has happened in child hood years and even still now, where I was programmed and taught that going to the beach or the mall or having a nap is fun and that anything else will thus not be fun and to have connected fun with an energy feeling/emotional connection that I will activate when I have the thought and to posses me and then go into a state of resistance to do what isnt judged as fun. Seeing and realizing that if I simply remove the energy connection that I have towards the fun stuff and remove the energy connection I have created towards the not fun stuff that all that will remain here is me moving myself physically, realizing that this is true freedom as there is no mind/feelings/emotions keeping me limited and only possible to do a few tings, but now as the physical I cna do all things as I am not limited by any thought/feeling/emotion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge doing what is best for all life as something that I have to do, realizing that as long as I see it as something I have to do. I have not yet dealt with myself and my own self honesty and common sense where I do see that doing what is best for all life is in fact the only way I should ever live and thus it must not be a have to but a way of life as WHO I AM as life, one and equal in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall for the system and the pictures and colors the system throws at me just like sweets, they look good, they taste good and thus I belief they must be good, till the research is done and we find out that is is actually broccoli that is good and sweets as a man made thing of many chemicals etc mixed together thus not made but mutilated (thus it is man) that causes a lot of shit for the body. And so it is to look at what I have made sweets in my mind within what I belief I like and rather be doing and to see the truth of it and the starting point of it all, and then to re evaluate myself and where I stand and what is really here as the physical in support of the physical reality one and equal as me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when and as I move myself as WHO I AM, that I am in fact as WHO I AM moving the world within everything I do and say in fact as all is connected in all ways.

To be continued.

Day 17 - Let my EGO punch something NOW.

During my day I have these moments where I feel I have achieved something, like finishing a project or getting a good score in the reading program I am doing, or I will say something and it was great and it made a lot of sense, mostly when these thing occur I see that I feel I have achieved something I did not expect even from myself.

In those moments I feel happy and more alive, with in this energetic experience I also experience my body getting all pumped up and ready to move do something, usually I would end up wanting to punch something from the feeling of happy, feeling good, feeling like I have some power now and I can use it.

I usually end up punching the ply traps hanging from the roof and then they swing a bit.

I also notice sometimes I loos myself and even consider giving someone (a person) a 'fun" punch.

So I also looked at my past and where there were occasions when I wanted to fight another person, and I found that when I wanted to do such things I usually was in a good mood, feeling like I have power, because of previous events that took place that day that made me feel like I achieved something, that made me feel more.

Instead of breathing and being here in the physical I turn it into ego and energy, this leads to violence and putting people and objects in danger, just because I feel good, I am happy, I feel more powerful.

I realized it is a possession of ego/energy and thus it is not what is best for all life, it has to stop, how did I get to the point in the first place for feeling bad about myself in such a way that when I suddenly feel good about myself I am highly charged up and ready for violence, obviously through self judgment.

Time to break the pattern and stop the self abuse and possible abuse of others, stop the ego.

Self Forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a bad person that never does anything right, thus when I do something right in the eyes of others I feel good and better about myself and suddenly powerful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect doing something effective to being a good person, instead of realizing that  it isn't what I do that determine who I am but who I am that determines what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a bad person, I realize that if I judge myself as a bad person as the total opposite of a good person then I will feel over loaded with energy if I believe I have done something good and be possessed by the energy as the ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fuel myself with a good energy just so that I do not have to feel bad about myself through my own self judgments during the day in such a way that I become over whelmed by the energy and need to get it out through punching or doing something physical that could lead to potentially harming another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with in violence when I feel good and powerful, realizing that this is only feeding the polarity of when I feel bad about myself to exist, instead of breathing and remaining here as that which is best for all life as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that hitting someone softly because I am happy is innocent, realizing that the more I continue to validate it as being okay the worse it can become in time as I create more and more justifications to why it is innocent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the "i want to punch something because I am happy" as being okay because it is a good feeling, realizing that I am connecting violence that put fellow beings/things in danger to being good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect violence to being good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the good feeling grow and so also the wanting to punch something to become bigger and bigger, realizing that one day I might not even realize what i am doing while I am possessed with feeling good and hurt someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to empower myself with violence when I feel good with in the believe that it is okay because I feel good about it, realizing that the good I am feeling is actually an energetic possession of my mind that I have given permission to take over my body and to direct me as a physical demon charged positively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with in violence when I feel good, realizing this is the same reason for why people join the army and why people are patriots and are willing to kill and hurt others, as they believe they are doing it because they are doing something good, not realizing that they are actually hurting other beings while they are feeling good about it.

I commit myself to stop and breath when ever I go into feeling good about myself where I want to punch something and to break the connection I have made in my mind between feeling good and punching something.

I commit myself to stop this pattern through using the tools I have such as writing, self forgiveness and self honesty to stop what I allow and accept with in me and so with in this world as war, violence and abuse.

I commit myself to not participate with in this pattern and to continue the ignorance with in supporting the ego as the mind that takes over in an energetic possessive state where I loose control of my actions for a brief moment due to not being aware of what I am doing as I am following a energy with in me.

I commit myself to when I have completed a task or have done something I haven't done before to breathe and to not create the connection with in my mind as what is good and what is bad, but to simple make it part of what has been done and needed to be done as me, and to with in this stop all self judgments as I replace it with Breathing.