Day 463 – My personal Survival mode

continuing from Day 462 survival mode and money

When I am living each day from the morning to the night, I am living to survive. It is how the system is designed. We all need to survive, so I am doing what needs to be done practically each day to make sure I am making money. Money is with what we trade and how much money I have depends on what I can have. Money decides everything in the material world currently.

The matter of facts is that we live in a material world. Without the materials we can’t do or make anything that is of basic needs, the earth is one big ball of materials and it can be made, shapes and molded to all kinds of different forms, some materials we don’t need to change but simply collect.

I as an individual requires some of these materials like all other people, animals or plants, and for me to have it I need money.

So currently survival isn’t optional, I have to survive. BUT who I am within surviving is the one thing that I can change.

Because I can look at survival as a practical application within the system that is here, it is a simple equation that I can apply on a daily basis, there does not have to be any experience attached to me surviving, or any thoughts or emotions or any feelings towards it.

But instead there can be me deciding who I am going to be within applying myself on a daily basis to ensure my survival and to within this not make/create survival as a mind possession of self-interest, but a simple practical equation.

Who have I been within this survival mode within this system designed to force modern man into living in a modern time with a cave man mentality.

I have been fearful, I have been tired, I have been paranoid, I have been anxious, I have been feeling like there is no way out, I have been feeling that there will never be an end, I have been feeling that I am stuck in one cycle over and over, I have been feeling that this is how my life will be forever no matter how much I push and try and change my circumstances, I have been feeling that the system just isn’t big enough for me to push and go beyond where I am within the system currently, I have been feeling that the system is falling and thus there is no point in me pushing the system, I have been feeling that by the time I succeed the system will collapse and all my effort is for nothing, I have been feeling like there is no place for me in the higher places in the system and that it is full, I have been feeling that money is limited and thus no way for me to make money, I have been feeling fragile in the system fighting every day to make that money, I have been negative towards myself within the money system, I have been anxious towards myself working in the money system, I have been giving up on myself ever reaching that goal that I have set and that I have been applying the equal pressure to reach it, yet it just never comes, I have been not believing in myself, I have been not believing in the system, I have been doubting money itself, I have been feeling stagnant within myself and within the system in terms of money movement as if I just cannot move money, I have been hating money, I have been hating people with money, I have been placing myself outside the rich people scope, I have been seeing myself less than successful people, I have Not been moving as breath as I fear time isn’t enough, I have been fearing running out of time as it feels like money is running out of my country, I have been feeling that I must have one point of success at least by now with all that I have done, I have been feeling that the whole system is against me and me making some of the money within it, I have been feeling that maybe there is someone deliberately pushing me out of the system and reaching the money that is here,

And that someone lives in my head, ME

To be continued.

Day 463 – Survival mode and money

continuing from: Day 462 – Survival mode and money

Money can only be available to us if we have access to money; to have access to money we need a Job. So now one might have a job and the access to money but the amount of money is what matters now.

See a man without money knows where he stands, he has found himself a place in the system where he is now surviving, it is a horrible life, maybe one can never get used to it, but I will assume from my personal experience and research that most of jobless and homeless people get used to the way of their life. There is a norm within it all for them, things they do every day to survive. They simply have given up and they only live for the next meal.

Then we have people with some money, just a little bit. This amount of money is enough to get food for half of the month and the other half is a struggle, it is horrible. But over time like all things, they got used to it and are surviving within it, within the circumstances they are in, they will always just stay in this state and see no way out ever, because there usually isn’t a way out at all, it’s in the design of the system.

Then we have people with just enough to meet all basic needs on a monthly basis, in other words they are making it, they have a life, there isn’t any starving or bad struggles, but it is still horrible, because these type of families are just making it, it is what we define as making it in the system, a roof and basic needs just met, so they have the consistent fear of the possibility that they may/can go below this life style.

Then we have people who live nice, they have just more than the basic needs and they can afford some comforts, but they are also in the consistent fear of going below the line of where they are, losing their job is for instance a daily concern.

Then we have the middle class, the middle class have more than basic needs, they can afford cars and bigger houses and they can go into debt and make all kinds of promises and have some vacations, and have more emotional problems at home, which is horrible. And these types of people are also living in consistent fear of what if their life can change at any moment and go below the line of where they are now, so survival can even be stronger in this type of class.

Then we go a bit higher than the middle class, what we are now getting at is the upper class, the upper class are small business owners or highly paid people in GOOD positions, and people that started their own thing and made a success, like a little mini market, they don’t have much issues in life, they have more than enough and can easily do more if they have the desire to, but they are in a type of comfort zone that they fear breaking, so it is horrible, they can actually have a fear of losing a bit of comfort, and thus will never change their live style or do more, it’s how they survive, their fear will not be about going below the line of their current class, but going below a line of class inside the home, it’s horrible.

Then from here on we have the rest, the people I haven’t met yet, I can’t talk about them. I mostly just see them driving from certain neighborhoods with their sexy cars and taking their kids to schools that looks like palaces. I suppose their fear will be the rest of the world and staying rich keeps them in a nice bubble away from everyone else.

These classes are from what I have seen and interacted with and still do daily through my work.
So now looking at myself, seeing where am I, and why do I live in Fear and within a survival mode, what is this doing to me, or rather me to myself and what am I keeping myself from doing and achieving through being stuck in this survival mode, what is the consequences of living this way on my individual level/life. Can this show me what my future already looks like if I am living this way?
Stay tuned, to be continued.

Moving within Survival mode is dangerous.

It is quite simple, when I move within survival mode I can only see that, Survival and nothing more. Just like when a horse gets a fright or a dog is fighting, to the horse in that moment all that matters is survival, and to the dog at that matters is surviving, when we as the outsiders see the horse having a fright or the dogs fighting, we always have this remark of calling the horse stupid or the dogs stupid for what they are doing. We will say thing to the horse like, Why are you having a fright, look there is nothing, it is nothing are you dame stupid, or while the dogs are fighting we will say something like, stop it, it is pointless, you guys are fighting for nothing, why can’t you share or live together or get over the Alfa dog point already, in this house we are all equal and no need for fighting over the Alpa position.

So I hope through those two examples of the horse and the dog fighting I could get a common standing and reference from the reader. This will be needed to see my point that I am about to make.
As the dogs are fighting, and as the horse have a fright. We as the humans are proving to ourselves in those moments that we can see beyond what is supposed to be “our nature” or in this case a dog or a horses nature, which means we can and should be able to see beyond what we call human nature equally.

And this should show to us that if we can see beyond our nature, or teach an animal to have a different nature, then what we are defining as our “nature” currently isn’t really out nature, it isn’t natural, because we can see beyond it, we can see the common sense and the self-honesty within those situations.

So why have we accepted and allowed the nature of survival to exist within us and to still run our daily lives as if it is in out nature to live in survival mode.

When we can see a horse having a fright and jumping up and down and trying to run away and could possibly harm others as being silly or stupid in those moments, or a dog fighting another dog for an alpha position, when we can see that the nature of the dog in that instance is pointless and not fitting because according to where the dog lives and what life the dog has it isn’t needed to be an alpha so why do it, why bother with is, the same goes for the human we live in survival consistently everyday within what we do, no matter what it is, it’s all for basic needs to be met and to have it daily and weekly and monthly till we die.

It is no different than when we watch the horse or the dog, if we have to observe ourselves the same way we can clearly say that human nature as the survival nature currently is stupid and silly, when we as the human race have the brains and intellect to not live the way we are living now and to make live on earth in a way that is best for all live, then why are we not doing it, just like how we don’t get why the horse never changes their ways or the dog, the same way we must first ask ourselves that question, why are we not changing our ways, when we unlike the dog or horse can see the reasons and the common sense and the self-honesty, just like how we the humans have the capacity and ability to do the same for the animal through training.

We as the human race have this ability to see beyond our self-interest and thus our nature, the survival mode that we are stuck in like a broken record.

And this is where I am bringing the point back to myself, to my daily living and application within what I do and how I do the things I do because of who I am, who I accept and allow myself to be, that which decides what I do.

If I live my daily life within the survival mode, then I am no different than the horse or the dog, I will do many things on a daily scale that I can’t find reason for in accordance with where I am within my live, I will have fear and I will have anxiety and I will have thoughts that has no purpose at all, yet they will make me do things like having frights and then doing things within my actions that makes no sense, as I lose all common sense in those moments, as survival mode exist only out of two components, fight or flight, the horse or the dog.

And thus I will find my life not flowing, the things I do will not add up, my hard work and efforts will end up as being nothing, because if I am in that survival mode without even noticing it, or seeing it, or knowing I am living it, all my actions, each and everyone one of them will come from fear/anxiety/stress, which means even when I calculate my every move they will only have been calculated from the starting point of survival, which is fear and thus all that I can create is fear and a consistent cycle of surviving in fear.

To be continued.

Day 461 – Death and form.

I will die, it’s a fact, everyone will die, in a hundred or more years everyone that is on earth now will be gone and there will be new humans on earth running what we have left behind.

The new people that will run the earth and the human systems and looking after the earth (I wish) will never think or even care for that I existed, I will be dust again and that is it.

How and why am I stating these points, I was sitting the other day by myself in the lounge and waiting for food on the stove to boil, as I sat there I started massaging my hands and breathing nice and slow.

Within this my hands became very warm and soft, I could really feel my hands and I was here inside my body, no thoughts in my mind and no energy trapped within my body, everything was quiet and here, me as the physical breathing and being chilled.

I then took my hands as I was massaging them and I started to really look at my hands, I noticed the details of the hair on my hands and the sweat poor’s and the skin texture, I also noticed the veins running through my hands and where they might be going with the blood obviously flowing through them.

As I looked at my hands I then wanted to now pick up my leg and see my leg, as I picked up my leg I realized that I was picking up my leg, for some reason I did not pick up my leg using my leg muscles, I used my hand, I grabbed my leg and pulled it upwards onto the chair, within this I felt the bones and the shin and the veins running with the hair, and for but a moment It felt like I was picking up something separate. The same as me picking up a rock.

I then looked at my leg and my hands holding my leg and I realize that the body I have isn’t me, it will one day age and die, or die through other means. My body will return to the earth.

My body does not have fear, my body by itself does not experience fear of have any fear for this transition that has to yet come – where the body dies and returns to earth in its more basic form.
If I had to remove myself from my body my body would have no fear as the fear come from the mind which I use as the being to create and generate energy from.

I also realized that the fear I had of the Body dying was the mind fearing it, NOT me as the being here, because the mind knows that it requires the body to exist, as the mind takes the energy from the body to exit in energy as the feelings/emotions, yet me and my body are calm and here, we understand the process of LIFE as one and equal, as the physical and that death is real, yet not to be feared.

Because me as the being and the body as the solid physical form, we do not require energy as thoughts/feelings/emotions to exist, we are here, we simply have to breathe as the body and even when the body stops breathing each cell on its own as a being will continue living and I as the being that for a time used the physical body as the vessel to move around and to learn about the physical and life and creation and to reborn myself through using the awesome body form that is solid and thus a practical tool to self-realize, will be here – yet I also saw in that moment how I as the being have chosen the mind over the body and have lived within the mind for as long as I can remember, and thus I have created myself as a mind being that will also end with death as I would have never self-realized myself in that moment if death has to occur, I also realized that I as the being as the one with the creation powers are the one choosing between the mind and the body at all times, and the body is rarely chosen but only neglected and abused.

As the body is solid here and the mind is floating up there in energy – I am consistently always one breathe away from self-realization, and self-realization isn’t something special, it is HERE, the physical is that consistent reference as the body and the earth, even though I will not be the body after death, I will still be here as the Physical, if I create myself s the physical, choosing the physical and self-realize what is here.

Day 460 - Church as the Perfect and Oldest Business system

In my line of work I meet a lot of people, not just in a quick way but in a personal way, which takes up to two hours of talking with a person or a family.

Within this I am discovering what is really going on within the lives of many different people, not just in terms of personalities, but within their life in general.

Within meeting and sitting down with hundreds of people within the past year I have come across some interesting things, such as where do people spend their money?

From my research, most people spend their money only on things that matter to them personally within their immediate environment, things that has to do with their survival first and then their entertainment/self-fulfillment.

I have to sit down with families and help them go through their finances and see what is happening within their financial matters.

What I have come across within 80% of all the people that I have met was quite fascinating and disturbing in some cases.

Before I get to that point I must inform you that this is South Africa, and most people I meet and work with live in middle class or below, this means salaries can go from twenty thousand rand a month to as little as one thousand rand a month.

And now regardless of the BIG difference from twenty thousand to one thousand rand salaries a month, what I am about to reveal takes place in all those salary classes.

I have come across a certain Business that is involved in everyone’s business of living/life, this business is called Church, it has NO product you take home, it has NO guarantees, it has no warranties, it has no proven research, it has NOTHING that proofs its reason for existence, except a Book written by humans that says a few things about history and then mentions a GOD that apparently exists.

And somehow this Business called Church is receiving TEN percent of the peoples Salaries EVERY month; it has been hitting me now in my face seeing this monthly fee people are paying Churches all over the place.

So when I meet a person that for instance have a salary of one thousand five hundred rand a month of being a kitchen staff, this person is giving one hundred and fifty rand to the church every month.

I ask the people straight up, why do you give to the church, some say the Bible says we must, some say because God will bless you, some say it is to not go to hell, everyone has their own reason.

WHY does everyone have their own reason, because the guy standing in front of the church every Sunday preaching, has actually TOLD these people these things, priests are the BEST sales people in the world, selling an idea/belief for actual money? NO product, nothing physical you are taking home, just playing on FEAR and thus Survival, the number one priority in people’s lives.

This guy just says things in front of the church to hundreds of people believing everything he says because he says so, because he is standing in front and not them, because he got a degree in doing that specific JOB. Not because it’s based on actual facts or anything real. Just fear once again.

Now imagine there are in some of these churches Thousands of people, they have many services a day to accommodate all the servants, and all these people GIVES their ten percent every month to the church.

It is a definite pledge they NEVER compromise on, it is in their core to do whatever they can to have that ten percent every month and to give it to a Peron in the church and then that money is never seen again, no one that gives money knows what is happening with it, maybe there is some believe that god comes and fetch it at night like what the tooth fairy does.

And this they all do even if it means falling short on bread or basic things for the month, as I have noticed/seen. Some even compromise on education for their children to be able to pay that ten percent, as in their minds it is more important, sacrificing the children’s future for fear of death and what may or may not happen after death or having good luck or being blessed.

So now I can understand why the Church is the OLDEST and most powerful business in the world.

Imagine if this is used right, what can be achieved, where this kind of system is used not to benefit one but to let the collective have a say as their combined power/money and to decide with that money what happens in a democratic system within the current system, millions committed to one cause with actual real practical physical objectives to achieve and to let all those who contribute KNOW where their money is going, and then we shall see GODLY work be done.

Day 459 – Well Hello Stranger

Why are we strangers to one another, may it be from the guy on the corner to the girl walking by on the street, all our lives we have lived in our own bubbles, we call these bubbles “family”, and this is where we learn that we are separate from all the other Families.

When in fact it isn’t so, we are one big family living in one big house called earth, we have been blinded by self-interest and fear to live in an illusion of separation, and this is why we can abuse one another, when the self-interest and fear tells us that others will abuse us, it is actually in reverse, the self-interest and fears are what makes us abuse others, one another.

I have been facing this illusion in my live, on a daily basis I have to go to strangers and I have to be with them and spend time with them, I have learn that it takes only ten minutes for me and the family to be a family, ones the fear and the self-interest is out of the way through talking and sharing we are suddenly not so different, in fact almost the same.

So how have I pushed through this illusion when it has been brainwashed into me for many years that it is real, that the fear I feel is real, and there for a reason.

First I had to make an agreement with myself to work through the inner fear through self-forgiveness and writing, secondly I had to let go of all the ideas/beliefs unconditionally, as I realized that it isn’t real.

Once I realized fear isn’t real, I still had to push through the physical manifestation of fear within me that I have created, this I had to make peace with and that I will face the fear in real time.

Real time is the difficult point, when I go up to a stranger and I start talking to them I will first have the initial fear that I might be invading or be harmed or be shunned or whatever the mind can make up to believe, to keep me away from other human beings, to not realize the truth, that we are one big family.

Yes the mind doesn’t want us all to realize that we are one big family, because that will mean we will stop living and existing the way we do here on earth as we do currently.

At this stage I must BREATH, this is the most important point, as breathing slows me down and thus the mind, the mind does not have time to interFEAR with the real time living that is occurring, this is me simply speaking/interacting with one of my other family members, and it usually starts off with the atmosphere almost like two family members that hasn’t seen each other for many years and now have to speak and inform each other of their lives..

It is quite interesting when this situation isn’t observed but lived, the real time interaction is simple, it isn’t complicated, it is practical and direct, but once the comfort sets in, then both sides are now ready to speak what is really going on inside, this is where the family issues are coming out, this is where the sharing becomes more, real and revealing.

This is where we can see that our entire family on earth is within the same messed up situation, and the only way we can actually change this messed up situation is through meeting strangers and realizing our actuality as a big family.

Day 458 – let it be on Earth as it is in Heaven

Let it be on earth as it is in heaven, this has come to past and we are living in heaven. The heaven we are living in is the creation we have on earth as the man made world.

We have for thousands of years misinterpreted “heaven” as we have believed heaven to be something out there, something that exist beyond the physical plane we exist as, we have believed it to be something beautiful and amazing and magnificent, we have made ourselves believe that it is something that is yet to come to earth and that it will come in a single moment like magic.

Because we have made ourselves to believe that Heaven is a place far away controlled by a being called god and this god is somewhere out there doing his job in mysterious ways, that is mysterious in its ways, yet all who believe in him apparently knows his mysterious plan, like he has one, like they have been told the plan, but when a man has a plan then he can only claim it’s a plan if he sees it and understands it and knows what the outcome will be of the plan, but by guarantee it’s impossible, because God never told anyone he has a plan, it has only been assumed, mysterious cannot exist with a plan.

So when we say, or pray or sing let it be on Earth as it is in Heaven we must realize, heaven is at the top and earth is below, as heaven is our minds, and what we think and what goes on within our minds on a daily bases is what we are creating on earth, as above so below, as within our minds to we create what’s below our minds – the earth.

So we can now also realize that heaven is a nasty place, our minds are nasty, we live only for our own plans and our own self-interested desires/wants and all that is not best for all life.

Heaven is here as the reflection of ourselves and we have already been living in heaven as it is, as we are capable of using what we call the mind, the brain to Plan on this Planet first before we make a move, take action and live what goes on within our mind to not fuck up or to not miss points and to prevent any harm that may come from our action and to live and create a life that is best for all life, as that is then heaven on earth, as above so below, yet we have missed the point completely.

We have placed heaven as another reality outside of ourselves and we have made it more and bigger and superior then ourselves, as the creators of heaven and earth, because we have done the same with the mind, we have placed it above us, we have made it something that functions on its own, we have made it a living entity on its own, we have made our tool our master.

And here we are, waiting for heaven on earth to descend upon us all and to change everything for us, like a cloud coming down to earth, when in fact heaven is but resembling the idea of our MINDS, and how we can create that which is GOOD as what is Best for all life within our minds and an idea, as Heaven and create it on earth one and equal in practical steps, one plus one, yet we missed the point for so long, for thousands of years we have Lied to ourselves so much we have come to believe that heaven is actually something where we go to when we die, when we clearly simply return to dust.

And the dust we return to will either be the dust of heaven that we created or hell that we created.

So to have a reality check, it is Below as it is above simply look around and see the world and what exist here, what exist here is what is going on in our mind, evil secret thoughts/back chat emotions and all that which is self-interest as fear, so check what is going on above inside your heaven and see if it is heaven inside your mind, where you live what is best for all life, breathe what is best for all live move as that which is best for all life and then you may be still and know that you are god, a co-creator of life.

We may currently call this heaven Hell, it will only change once we change – investigate Desteni, investigate the Courses that is here as the DIP Pro and the DIP lite (Free Course) and become a co-creator of and for life, and let’s make this heaven for all on earth.

Back-chat isn't a Game

Back-chat: any form of back chat is EVIL, it is poison against yourself and others, it is the chattering that is happening in the back of your mind, in a filthy secret hidden place, it is always nasty, even when its colored in, like a rainbow, we can see it but its only within or own mind and not really there in fact.

Desteni has BEEN around for many Years, since 2007 Desteni has been active in the public eye, Desteni has taught and shown over many years what it is that’s evil within this world.

Desteni has a Forum, Desteni has Courses for people to partake within and to change within so that things can change without, as we know what’s within us creates what is outside of us, the world is but a reflection of our inner realities.

It is a mess, the same way we can look at our own rooms and see the living expression of ourselves mirrored as our material possessions and how they are positioned, it comes from within and thus lived without, the way we move during our days is the way we think within our minds, it is clear that there is something wrong, the problems has been showed and the problems has been explained in detail, to the tiniest of details in interviews, videos and extensive writings, done by a man and women who has walked the path no one else dares to the fullest act.

I have come to realize that after many years of the information being available to anyone at any time at all times and not even hard to find, that the human is bound to the mind.

the mind is an interesting thing, yet it is simple to explain, yet for scientists it is the most beautiful thing, they can’t seem to explain it themselves, not to mention where it truly exist, yet Desteni has done this and many has done the research themselves and found that the mind is…… well find out by visiting the Desteni forum and see for yourself.

Now back-chat will come in and it will poison every breathe, it has a tendency of lurking in and seeing what’s within and bring it out to ring in your ears and make you do or not do the things that matter, the matter that is here that makes up all of us even the atmosphere.

Back chat is that little voice talking In the back of your head, it is the should have’s and the should not haves, it is the can I or can I not, it is the must I or must I not, it will obviously always choose limitation and fear, because within the atmosphere that is here as the humans existence on this sphere called planet earth, we only live and care about our own birth till our own death.

Thus when you have known and have seen and have investigated Desteni and what Desteni in fact stand for as the solution to life then you will know by now not one bit of Back chat is ever good for you or anyone else, as good redefined is that which is best for all life.

I have stopped my back chat to a degree where I can move without it interFEARing with me, it is but something that comes up and then I breathe it away, this is how I move every day, one layer at a time I remove the brainwashing conditioned by all that I ever called mine, the self-interested me is what I am setting free so that I that am here can live and truly see.

When I see the back chat coming up I stop, I do not give it one more moment of my blood, I move myself to the best I can be to live the utmost of me that is within the best interest of all life and me, it is the way forward and it the way for life.

I have seen through my own faults and failures that back chat is a devil, it is evil within me, it is what we used to call LIVE, to live out our back chat used to be the motto, I used to rather lay on the couch and do nothing, play a game till the morning or sit around and moaning about life being so dame unfair.

The unfairness I discovered was simply me as the back-chat playing a game of Russian roulette with myself in a bet, a bet that I thought I could win because I was playing with cards that looked fair, only to discover I was playing with the only pair and with no one else there, obviously always winning, waiting for the other to pull the trigger, the loser, only then to discover I was the only one with a turn. Back chat was the other, the winner and I actually always the loser in reality, as the back-chat basically made me argue myself, fight myself, limit myself, create delusions for myself, and to end up doing nothing, and so let the next invisible round begin, Because its all in my head.

Life moved on and time went by, I was still the same old me waiting for life to change me, or for me to change my life, the things Back-chat does, the things we chat to ourselves are the most dangerous, it is best we self-forgive and move forward otherwise we will find ourselves in a cycle, no different than a hamster in a wheel, it will only end once we die, as there is nowhere we are running to. or where we can hide.

I strongly suggest that the Desteni message is solid within self, investigate, research, apply and live, so that it is within the abstract mind where it is to be found, as long as we keep it within the concrete stage at the back of our mind lingering as the back chat we have we will never live the potential we possess as the living expressions we are of life, yet to realize in each moment and to move as each moment to do what’s needed to be done and to not falter within our own self-created trap called the back-chat.

Day 456 – Being comfortable with myself Part 2.

Day 456 – Being comfortable with myself Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be comfortable with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that I can and am allowed to be comfortable with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to be comfortable with myself I must wear clothes that are accepted by everyone else, instead of wearing clothes that are practical and comfortable for my body/me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I wear will make me comfortable with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that the cloths I wear will change how I experience myself inside, seeing and realizing that the inside experience I must change from within by breathing in air instead of judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that how big my physical body is and how muscular it looks will make me comfortable with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the more manly I look the more comfortable I will feel with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the more LOUD I am the more comfortable I will be with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the more silent I am the more comfortable I will be with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when other people look at me that I must become self-aware of myself to be aware of what other people might think about me so that I can start defending myself already within my head and within this then become uncomfortable within myself, seeing that it is the thought and the back chat that is making me uncomfortable and not that other people are looking at me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and judge others for looking at me as if they have the power to make me feel a certain way within myself, when I am in fact the only one who decides what is happening within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must feel/experience something within myself when other people are looking at me, within the believe that I must be self-aware to prove that I am aware of myself and how I look and all that to the other person, as in judging myself before they can judge me so that if something happens like they confront me I can already have an excuse or a justification for why the back chat and thoughts were accepted and allowed to compromise me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see that comfortablility comes from within, from breathing and that any thought or back chat will compromise the point of being comfortable and thus go into reactions and the mind, seeing and realizing that if there is back chat or thoughts about myself as judgements that I have that can and will come up in sudden moments to compromise me, I must investigate my physical participation as what I live and my inner and align them within self-honesty and practicality and thus live within that starting point instead of making it about a self-conscious point of being in others heads as my own judgments out of fear.

To be continued.

Day 455 – being comfortable with myself Part 1

What is it to be comfortable with myself? I have been working on this point for years, and yet it is still within me, no matter how small or how big the point is within me, it is still here.

Today I was in a new neighborhood; I faced two specific points that showed me that the point was still within me of not being completely comfortable with myself. 

I was walking across a soccer field to go to the bathrooms at one point, within this there were kids playing soccer and a couple of dozens sitting on the side-line watching, but not really watching, as they were simply talking among each other and playing.

As I was walking I had to cross the field with the kids playing, and as I was crossing all the kids were watching me, the kids were between the age of 10 to 13, so I am seen as the adult within their eyes being there, yet within myself I do not feel like the adult, I feel just like one of the kids.

So within me this created a conflict within me that started making me feel uncomfortable within myself, and thus I started walking weird and I I kept on looking downwards to the ground, also within this I noticed how I suddenly became very self-aware of the cloths I am wearing and the way I am walking and each part of my body became a point of self-awareness in this long walk, it was like a 200m walk to the toilet.

I weren’t comfortable with myself feeling uncomfortable in a sense of being self-aware in a states of self-judgement. 

Another scenario was now at night, in a new town for the first time with different people and areas and malls and so forth, within this we went to get food me and two other people on a road trip, within this we were standing outside of the restaurant waiting for our food to be prepared.

As we were standing outside by the tables, there were a group of men standing across from us on the other side of the road, they were laughing and talking and they stood around their cars in the parking lot, they looked our way a few times and as they looked they then started talking and laughing.

Within this I assumed it was about us, so I looked at the guys for a while and within this I saw them as being men, they have cars and they have money and they look like MEN, this definition is a contaminated one as it has nothing to do with being a man, where they were big, they had bellies and big arms and they were tall, everything I am not, so I started feeling like the kid. 

This then became uncomfortable within myself, not the scenario, because it is all about what went on within me, the judgements I made and placed, and this all obviously comes from how I have defined myself and the value I have placed within certain points.

Self-forgiveness in next blog, stay tuned.