Day 642 - Haha, I lost my Marbles - The Marble Example

When someone says “they have lost their marbles” it is an indication of they had something collected and then that collectedness is now not there anymore, it is scattered, everywhere. This is usually when someone goes a bit mad, or have an anger fit – I would just say it is when I react, I lose my marbles.

The GOOD thing about losing my marbles in a moment of reaction is, I choose what I want to pick up again after losing them all, and scattering them all over the place, it is a deliberate action from me that is required to now pick up these marbles, so I have now scattered this collection of spheres, spheres of information/characters/personality name it all, each sphere has something within it that I have defined myself as. This is what I am saying the marbles represent and how it is possible to lose it or scatter it because it isn’t real – it isn’t real within the fact that when I get angry or react I can lose them. So, why pick them back up at all?

I had a moment today of reacting, a very deep reaction. A deep reaction is different from an obvious reaction, an obvious reaction is when someone calls me a name and I react to that as an example, a deep reaction is when I react and I just cannot put my finger on it, what am I reacting to within myself, what is it that I am not getting, or seeing within the “external point that is bringing up my inherent point within me through the reaction, so a deep reaction is one that I can’t see in the moment of reaction, the actual reason.

Practical imagination for support

Imagine you are holding ten thousand tiny marbles in your hands, your hands are cupped together and held in front of your chest, you walk around with these marbles every day, these marbles DEFINE you, each and every marble has a word on it, and each word is a definition of who you have defined yourself as, one marble will say Loving, the other will say introvert, then angry, depressed, drunk, addict, dancer, family, mom, dad, I mean the words go on and on, BUT within all these marbles you have a whole bunch that are just emotional and feeling marbles and now all these marbles are all mixed, and you carry it around you all day, you are these marbles and you have to make sure you keep these marbles together or you will lose yourself, if only one goes missing, chaos....

Now imagine as you are walking around with these marbles you bump into people, people bump into you, or certain events/situations occur, these marbles are shaking each and every time in your hands, some might even slip a bit, as if they were almost going to fall out, and you will in a moment react and get it all together somehow quickly, in fear of the unknown.

Then, on some days, these marbles, and carrying these marbles EVERYWHERE with you gets a bit heavy, you feel like just putting them down somewhere and not having to carry them, you know a marbles is heavy, thousands of them are very heavy, and now you can imagine carrying them around within everything you do... what weight that places on you, the efforts, the struggles to not drop them, lose them.

With all this great effort to walk around with these marbles you have invested a LOT of your labour and time in collecting them over years, and now carrying them with you, so the value of these marbles has become very high, they DEFINE you in all ways, they are all very well equipped to support you in your life, your way of living life, it is how you collected your specific marbles over time to be exactly relevant to your life, to build your personality with these marbles.

Sometimes someone will push you, you will drop a marble and you will go fanatic to find it, because to you it now feels like you are losing a piece of you, so you must find it, and this person that pushed you are now to blame, because if they did not do what they did, you would not have dropped this marble and possibly lose it, and you would not have had to go through all the efforts of looking and finding this marble to put it back with all the other marbles, and so you do this so you can feel secure in knowing who you are, who you have defined yourself to be, the weight of the marbles should always be an exact weight you carry around, so you must have them all, you know the weight very well. yet, you didnt have to carry the marbles in the first place, so the person bumping you is simple giving a moment to show you what exist within you, a window to see what is real and what isnt, but we do not see it this way at all yet. (if it is physical abuse taking place, stop that shit, then you take real actions that are best for all)

So, Every night when you go to sleep, you lay down in bed with all these marbles in your hands holding them tight, you think about them, you assess them, as many as possible through thinking and as you start falling asleep your hands start relaxing, your marbles gently roll and fall out of your hands, the weight of the marbles leaves your body, and so for about 6 to 8 hours you can have rest, every night, as the marbles weight isn’t with you anymore. But, each morning when you wake up, the first thing you do is quickly gather all the marbles in fear of if you do not do it fast enough you will not get through the day, not knowing who you are, so you place the weight of the marbles on you as fast as possible, so you can feel secure with this weight on you, within who you are. You get up and go through the day again like every day, with all the marbles accounted for.

Remember, when you were born you had No marbles, but from day one you have been given a hand full of marbles by your parents, a special collection that they have picked for you and that they saw fit for you, this is your basic marbles, from culture to religion and all the way to your name and who they think you are and should be, and they make sure that every day they train you to hold the marbles, they show you and even force you to hold these marbles, you don’t understand, but you trust them unconditionally. By the time you are seven you have taken and made all the marbles yours and who you think and believe you are, you have picked up quite a bit of marbles from all other parts of your life, you can't even remember from where and whom, but you are now an addicted collector in your sector of marbles, and possessed collector, and you will only collect marbles that are in alignment with those first marbles that were given to you and forced onto you, you are now a collector. Good and Bad marbles.

As you get/got older and your collection of tiny marbles has accumulated into thousands, all held in your hands, just fitting between your hands, anything that does not agree with your marble collection cannot fit in there or the marbles will fall out and splatter everywhere, so whenever something or someone comes along that has a totally different marble collection than you and tries to give you some of their marbles, you will either accept or reject, but either way, your marbles are rattling and things do not feel so stable, so you will even fight to stop the other person or even try and prevent them from entering your reality, because you fear losing your marbles, you fear losing it all and not knowing who you are.

The scariest thing for yourself is that you have no clue actually how many marbles you have any more in your hands and what is really in there, you just keep holding onto all of them in the fear of losing one that might be important, or in the fear of, if you try and look through them you can make a mistake and lose them all, so you start avoiding at all costs looking into your marble collection, you even start and try to control your environment and reality to live a certain way that makes sure you only go and DO things that is safe for you to be in to not lose your marbles.

But, this creates a very sensitive reality, a very fragile reality, because within this setup you now believe the whole world is evil and everyone is after you to get your marbles, your special collection, and this creates a paranoid experience within which you live consistently, of losing your marble, which is you fearing losing yourself and who you think you are according to these marbles.

One day, someone comes along, and this someone does something or say something, and as their words and actions represent threir marbles, because everyone is limited to their marbles and what they have, it is like they are trying to force their marbles that does not fit into your collection into your collection, and so with this pushing and shoving you let your grip lose a bit and you drop a couple of marbles, lets imagine you drop a third of all your marbles, and in the fright, the reaction of your marbles being shaken and falling out from this other person, you freak out, you react and you start scattering everywhere to find your marbles in the fear of losing yourself, within this scattering around of finding your marbles you are also trying to now force your marbles onto this other person, to defend yourself, to protect yourself, or even from them stealing the marbles you have now dropped, so at all cost you will go at them, according to what at all cost means in your marble collection and if that marble is even still in there after losing it to use it. This can be in the form of word or actions as the marbles you are using.

After such an event you will find yourself in n interesting position, you will for a moment look at yourself and wonder, who was I just now, losing my marbles really turned me into someone else for a moment, maybe that’s because, within all those hidden marbles of which you have no idea anymore at this point what is in there, something came up that was in there and you just don’t know what it is, but you suppress it as fast as possible, and you have now recollected all your marbles that have fallen, so you are okay, you now know who you are again, you hold on tighter to the marbles and now have added an extra marble, you collected another one that is specific to that event and how to handle it next time, if the unknown marbles does not take over and decide for you again (possession).

So, as we can see, these marbles (characters, personality, feelings, emotions, experiences, thoughts, thinking etc) are not really real, they feel real, you spend a lot of time on them, you designed your whole life around them, you have designed yourself as them, the collection, you have literally decided to hold onto them and make them you for decades, so they must be real, yet when someone pushes you, or gives you a shove, or just do something, you are able to lose grip and lose them, drop them – which means they are not you, as they are able to be lost and you are able to the suddenly become someone else for a moment.

So, what if you decided to one day just relax your hands, hang them down, stop holding onto all these marbles that places so much weight on you as who you believe you must be, how you must be, what you must be, I mean everything, and just breathe and NOT collect marbles, not play in the marble collecting game, who will you be? That is the thing that NO ONE knows, that is the fear, in the end, to remove the conditioning and deciding a clean slate, the unknown.

Losing all your marbles through events is what we call going mad/crazy/insane – someone that suddenly has a breaking point, the weight of their marbles are just too much, drops it immediately in a sudden moment and they go crazy, this is losing your marbles, and this is the instability that exists as a whole for everyone in this world at any time, and this is what death brings, when we die, we cannot take our marbles with us, they stay behind ( our riches stay behind). And as the good old saying goes, as above so below, so we don’t really at all know who we are here except some marbles, so if we die with the marbles in our hands, we won’t know who we are hereafter, so we have an opportunity here, to let go of the marbles in a supportive manner where we can one by one understand the marbles and in its place as we remove it create ourselves, get to really know yourself here without any marbles, and so death does not exist really, or more so the fear of it.

Now, I want you to really consider this. When you go to sleep you let go of all your marbles, that’s how you can sleep, yet where are you when you sleep, when you are not your marbles? Why aren’t you aware of where you are when your body goes to sleep, do you even then exist? Will this not be a great indication of what is in the hereafter if we die, why would it be any different? It is about YOU here, not if the body is dead or alive. You aren’t aware of your body if it is dead or alive when you sleep, it is not in your awareness at all.

So now, taking it back to more practical terms. Have you ever lost your marbles? Has anyone ever made you react and then you become someone else? The first thing you must realize here is that the marbles as who you believe you are, isn’t real at all, even if it feels real, they are just marbles, a collection of stuff that makes up apparently you, that you play with, but not who you are.

So what I do for myself is the following, whenever there is a moment when I feel shaken, when I feel and find that I am within a reaction of anger, love, NAME it all, all emotional states or feeling states, (thoughts/thinking is you accessing the marbles, the spheres of contained information labelled by words for access) so when you CAN"T have a CLEAR mind because you are in an emotional or feeling state, like love or anger, it means you are being shaken and can’t access your collection of marbles to “think” straight. Thus you are possessed. And in these cases I find myself always afterwards looking for all my marbles again, who I am, to feel safe and secure, BUT this is where I stop myself, I see and realize that if I lost marbles here, then they aren’t real, so I rather breathe and let it go completely, and whatever marbles I find myself looking for or did look for in the moment of being shaken, I also breathe and let it go, I realize they are just marbles, not me. I do not have to pay them at all, Stop completely.

This way I start letting go of the weight I carry as who I believe I am, whatever it may be, and in its place, I place breathing and a principle, the principle I live by. If I did find a marble and acted that marble out through throwing it at another or doing something with it towards another that leaves a feeling and emotions of regret/shame or any trace of abuse, I forgive myself and I let that marble go, sometimes there are many of the same marbles and I will go and I will find them and take them out myself, this is through the process of writing myself to freedom and self-forgiveness.

Through this process, I am becoming who I am, by removing and letting go, nothing to add on. What I do is, I place supportive commitment statements that I deliberately place in to live in the marbles place that is always within the principle I live by, which is living what is best for all life.

Every time you see your marbles are being shaken, or falling apart, know that they are just marbles (thoughts, feelings, emotions, rections, experiences, memories etc), not really real, they were made real and kept real, all you have to do is drop the marbles and not participate in anything that comes up in your experience, thoughts/thinking. This leaves you HERE breathing as the directive principle that moves as the physical, real-time within what is best for all life including yourself.

Lose your marbles the right way, dont be LIKE the marbles and lose yourself all over the place, dont carry this weight as the mind as the marbles, be LIFE be the real you. Do it deliberately and with a direction – www.desteni.org

Day 635 – 32 words, ARTICULATE part 1

Articulate - Having or showing the ability to speak fluently and coherently.

Coherently - (with reference to an argument, theory, or policy) in a logical and consistent way.
In a way that forms a unified whole.

To articulate myself, to express myself in a fluent, consistent way where my words as sentences forms a unified whole. The art of I/Me to place into words what I see within Me, one and equal.

I am basically only now familiarizing myself with this word. I have heard it before, a few times in my life, Each time I have heard of this word it was more in the sense of being a weakness of mine, I had to each time ask, what does this word mean? Someone would tell me, explain to me. I have found that I had a misalignment with this word within me each time.

The first misalignment I had within this word within me was that I believe that I must be intellectual to be articulate. This isn’t the case, as to be articulate within expressing myself, I simply have to slow Way down, look within me, see what is here within me before I speak on a certain point or matter, or respond to someone, but most important how I communicate with myself, and to within that kind of “sort” through the information/words to find the words that I do have and to place them in the best possible way to express to me/others what I see in words/sentences.

The weakness comes in where I RUSH, where I go into EMOTION/REACTION to speak either to myself or to others, within these moments as a reaction I scramble EVERYTHING within me, all information, and so the form the information takes is that of emotion, a mess of energy and words. I lose the sequence within me, or I lose the ability to place everything in a sequence as what I see.

My biggest challenge has always been to articulate myself in everything I see within me within what I am doing, or why I did certain things, or how I even think about things – how I process information within me.

This has been a challenge for me because of a certain believe that I have within myself that is the approach, the drive for HOW I articulate myself.

The Believe that SCRAMBLES the information within me comes from the belief that No one is hearing me or will hear me. Within this I go into the energetic experience of rushing to say what I want to say, to get it out, even if it is all mixed up and wrong, as long as I get to say this thing/point and get it out there. Within this approach I go into energy each and every time, I then go into reaction as fear, fear of not being heard.

When I take this back to myself as the origin of this point. I can see that I have played this out many times in my life, more than I count, where I go into this fear of not being heard (thus fear of not being taken serious, being taken into consideration) and now I need to look at how am I not articulating myself to myself, how I communicate to myself.

I am looking at this point right now – I see that I rush everything with myself, I do not give myself the time and space to actually sit down and to look at information, or to get more information if needed, to have a sequence, to have a unified whole in what I am looking at within myself to understand myself, and thus to work better with ME as who I am, I have LOST value within myself, I have come to see myself as not worthy to spend the time and efforts on me.

I have slight memories coming up where I am a child, where I wasn’t given moments to express me and to develop the proper words to express me. I see myself surrounded by adults that saw me as less, and what I had to express was simply a fleet of a moment of a child that has nothing important to share, I am just this child that wants to distract and take time from the adults, my observations, stories and experiences I wanted to share wasn’t important, the adults gave me maybe 50% of their attention, then they had to be busy again, get back to what they were doing. I was left with this experience, not knowing what to do with it. To adjust myself to the behaviour of the adults, I had to RUSH myself, I had to quickly share something to be heard or to get direction, I would now rather share through speaking quickly, I would become emotional and try my best to simply get it out.

This didn’t have an effect much, as the adults just gave a nob, a quick answer, they confirmed to me that they have given me a fleeting moment of their time with a smile and a word, not any real support, no clarifying and no understanding, no actual participation.

Through this over time I started giving up on sharing my stories, sharing my experiences and to articulate them openly and making it known, I did not develop an effective way of articulating within me the information as the feedback was limited to adjust and enhance myself. I started following the Emotions, where I acted on how I feel instead, how I reacted, I started trusting the energy within me how to move and direct myself, what to say and how.

This over time has given me the classification of being spontaneous in my actions, and random, it inspired people, I was given praise for being spontaneous, being random and at times even given a label of being charismatic, because everything I did and do comes from emotion/feeling, no actual structure, no unified holistic approach where everything I do makes sense, as I could never make sense of anything really. I had to follow what I feel and how I feel things and somehow through my actions express that as it was here.

I do see that it is a strong point, and why so many enjoyed me being that way, but deep down there was actually a cry for structure, for direction, for something stable to build on, which would have been the ability to articulate, to take the information I have and to place it in a sequence, where things could have steps, and outcomes that could have been planned better and where I could actually have had the ability to make sense of what’s going on in me and not assume everything as emotion, as fear, as stress and anxiety.

I see and realize that I must focus on forming the information within me in a way where I can make sense of it, where it is practical, common sense and best for all, thus me, where I can actually apply and LIVE this word within everything I do, to stop and forgive the energy that I have become addicted to, to move myself as, I have come to TRUST the energy/emotions and feelings as I have never lived articulate. My life has been very inconsistent within me, which is chaos and no plausible change that can be shown in a consistent way, even when I have the change, that change is also just a mess within me and thus I find myself unable to share it.

It was actually on the point of me wanting to SHARE myself more in videos and blogs on all the things I have faced, walked and changed and I realized I had this bloc, this energy that keeps coming up, that throws me way off and whatever I wanted to share never really came through, and I always referred in my blogs and vlogs to the point of being spontaneous and charismatic. This left me disappointed and feeling incomplete after each blog of vlog, as I knew it could have been powerful, but instead it ended up being this blob of energy.

I started this 32 words challenge as I see this will be good for me to start applying the word articulate within myself with each word that is within the list I have created. To express and share me within it.

I will do what I usually do not do, I will spend the TIME to write each blog, to give me the opportunity, and google, to google the words.

Love, Sex and Relationships, Day 3 of 21 – Day 588

Love, Sex and Relationships, Day 3 of 21 – Day 588

Note: The following self-forgiveness are from points I have walked, and still walking. Yet all are relevant, here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question where the design of relationships come from and why I have accepted and allowed these ideas as normal and never questioned the actual physical feedback within this reality and what the current way of relationships has produces within this world as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never question myself and the way I approached relationships with other people, especially to create a shared relationship as a partnership with another and who I am within it and from where within myself I am approaching it and where that approach comes from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT question the design of the Desire for relationships I have within me towards women and why it is so specific, where does these specific desires come from, how did I just accept and allow them and follow them like a zombie.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to question why my specific Likes and Dislikes are just seemingly here within me what I like or dislike within girls, as if I was born with it, yet how can that be possible, does that mean that before birth where I had NO form no sexuality I have already had these dislikes or likes? This makes no sense and thus is nonsense, thus I see and realize that what I like and dislike is in fact NOT me but the proof of pre-programming and that I am simply an organic robot, unless I stop and breathe and actually live without judgment and direct and be responsible as a creator.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not question my sexual urges and wants, and why they can be so specific, yet I was born without any of them, thus where do they come from, why do I make them real, why do they influence me, why does my sexual urges and desires have power over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed sexual Desire and urges as Normal, even when common sense proves that it cannot be normal it cannot be WHO I AM, as who I am existed before and maybe after death, and thus these sexual desires and urges cannot be mine as they are limited and bound to the form of the physical, and thus also programmed into the physical through the mind as the system as the media, family, culture, religion, society besides the physicals basic expression for erections and sexuality.

Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make sexuality anything more than the physical design of the biology of my male body and to abuse the body through participating in the mind as images, pictures, imagination, fantasizing about others/anything and fitting my sexuality into that and giving that power as desires and urges and thus compromising myself and LIFE, as I am now contaminated by impurities as judgements and giving that energetic experiences and power of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT question anything within common sense through utilizing the physical as my reference but instead attempting to use the mind as knowledge and information to keep the illusions real and to keep myself BOUND to enslavement through the mind as energy, as attempting to be MORE than the physical which is without judgement and simply simple, direct and pure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Desire a relationship as something to fulfill me, to make me feel valuable, to give me a purpose in this life, where I want and desire a relationship to distract me from who I am, where the other person is filling and making up everything I feel I lack or am “bad” in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a relationship from the starting point of separation where the point of seeking a relationship is to find someone that will make me FEEL better about who I am and not challenge me to actually in fact change, to accept me as me without question, and where I can then share my life with this other person without being challenged and continue to be who I know I am that isn’t best for all.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the IDEA of relationships were something that my parents, society and culture had to teach me, program me with, for me to accept it as normal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the person I am in a relationship within is my possession, belongs to me, and thus, I have this experience when I seek a relationship that I must be careful who I choose, who I will possess, who I will owe, who I will control, in the fear of that if I make an agreement with someone that does not fit my IDEA of a “perfect” partner, where this perfect partner is actually just perfect within fitting my IDEA/believes and opinions, and thus Fear that if I choose the wrong girl that I will be challenged and thus NOT loved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on HOW relationships should work from my parents without question, and to just accept It as normal, as the way it should be, never questioning that if MY parents relationship was the IDEAL relationship as an example to me and human kind, then why is the world all fucked up? Abandoning all common sense for the sake of what my parents relationship showed me as the control, possession, deception, freedom to abuse and use in fact for the sake of how each person feels, and not how it contributes in fact to the world as a whole as creating and maintaining a world that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a Young kid, as a male, look at girls and feel shy, feeling like I am the Opposite of a girl, and that girls are aliens to males, and thus I must develop a method of deception and manipulation to simply interact with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a young kid, feel weird around girls, based on what I have heard and seen within society and culture, where males must be strong and confident and have the guts to simply TAKE a women, yet I always felt I missed those qualities, and so I found having general relationships with girls as impossible by just being me, so I had to create this game just to interact with girls.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the feeling of having NO support in my childhood years on what it is I am experiencing within me towards girls, the opposite sex, and why I am experiencing the things I was, and that I was left all alone to figure it out by myself, and so I would take other kids. Other males as example, what they show me, what I see ad what I hear and to within that program and train myself slowly but surely to become these other males, their examples, to find a way to define and direct what I was experiencing within me towards girls.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Confuse general conversation with girls as being different to what I had with Boys, simply because of what TV, media, family and society has given to me as an idea, that you need to steal a girls heart, you need to play a girls heart, you need to be a real man, where this real man Idea was so farfetched that I never felt like I was reaching it, and thus always feeling like I was losing out, and so within these ideas created by society as male and female and how it “should” be confuse my experiences with what others are saying, never really understanding anything I was experiencing within me, yes giving it definitions of the SYSTEM, such as what I am experiencing towards girls is called “love” – not realizing that this was simply other people transferring their confusions to me about that experiences they had as kids to me and “explaining” it. Calling it love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I talked to a girl as a kid and experiencing myself anxious due to what I have learned and heard from others what I as a male am supposed to be and what Girls are supposed to be and to then interpret it as LOVE, yet it was simply anxiety that was heightened due to me DEFINING myself in those moments within interacting with girls based on the feedback, if I am a real MAN or not. Which came from all the opinions/ideas and believes my family, culture and society has sold me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that when I was a baby I had NO internal experiences within me interacting with anyone, and that only later on after a lot of programming has already taken hold on me based on my sexuality and what it is supposed to be and how it is supposed to look and act, that I started creating Ideas/believes and opinions within me which compromised ME to simply express myself around anyone equally the same, where I would now place myself in a category of what type of male I am and so start searching and finding a “girl” that fits my MALE Ideas/believes/opinions I have created of myself, as what I DO have as a male and what I lack as a male and so find a girl that just accepts me and my fears/insecurities and make me feel just at home within my own believes/ideas and opinions that I accepted and allowed to exist within me without question since childhood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to confuse ALL the Biased information that I have received from society, family, culture as ALL the information as the feelings/emotions and thoughts that it created within me as “attraction” as “sexuality” towards the opposite sex, and explaining it as LOVE, and to within this connect the energy that was created within me due to all the information to sex and love. Seeing and realizing that all it really was is BAD education and NO understanding and thus I was left to my own vices.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at girls and to think, wow, they are so different from me, and to within this create a separation between me and girls and thus a point of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret this fear as the energy experience that I have/had towards girls as being a form of attraction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the feeling of fear/anxiety that I have/had towards girls as being something that “meant” something more than what was HERE, me and another person talking, and to take this more and to place it into two categories of love or sexual.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I feel insecure around a girl within communication and can’t find my words or stumble or feel as if I need to say interesting things, smart things, or make jokes that it means I must like her, there must be some sort of meaning to this that is more than me, and to label it as love, instead of seeing and realizing the facts that it is what I have been taught/educated about “male/female” relationships by society and where I have placed me within those definitions according to my Looks, my social stand, my economic status, and even my “race” as a human, and to either place myself high or low or in-between, and to within this I will also have different levels of communicating to different girls based on where I have placed them within these categories that society/family/culture has placed within me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am around a girl/women, to actually slow down and to realize and see that what I am experiencing within me has nothing to do with the other person, and that the other person has actually in fact NO power or possible way of making me experiencing anything within me, as if that was true then I would have practically been able to make any women fall in love with me at any time, and thus I see and realize that it is all a mind job, where I am playing myself based on programming/brainwashing/mind control that has been placed within me since birth by family/society and culture and thus what I am experiencing is inherently MINE and has nothing to do with the other person, and thus I am fully responsible for what exist in me and can never claim or say to someone else, that THEY are making me experience myself a certain way, such as LOVE OR sexual attraction. And thus it is actually blame.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when I want to create a relationship with a girl, where it is ONLY me and her, together forever based on how I experienced myself when I am in the presence of this other person, then the relationship will always and only be based on how I experience myself and hold the other person responsible for this experience and thus I will in all my power and control attempt to keep the other person I am in a relationship with exactly the same and never grand change or improvement for them, as that would mean I will lose MY experience that I have within me that I have attached and blamed the other person for as my experience as love, and then also hold the person responsible for how I will experience myself as anger, hate, frustration, jealousy, name them all, if they change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Believe that I must first be in a relationship with a girl/women before I can have sex, and to within this believe as a child, start playing a game of manipulating girls, to get girls to LOVE me so that I can have sex with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now use the fears and anxieties that I have labelled as LOVE to manipulate and deceive girls to fall in love with me, where my LOVE if covering ALL their fears, where MY love is now the band aid to all their insecurities and fears and where I then become the perfect match for them and so I have their Trust, and so I can have sex with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to through the early on realization in my teenage years where I realized girls fall for love more easily than boys as girls have more fears than boys based on the same programming Both boys and Girls received from child hood, where girls are fragile and weaker and more emotional and boys are the opposite, to play this programming by using LOVE as a way to get to sex and to within this abuse the girl and in the end make the fears come true as the “male” and “female” definitions that we were thought as kids and got as impressions as kids, and so continue to live out the sins of the fathers, and as I get older start looking for a girl that will give me sex and even marry for this reason and abuse and manipulate it all as being LOVE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ENJOY using the word LOVe as an easy way to simply catch a girl and to get her to have sex, and to even justify my unconditional LOVE as being real and genuine to the world, and completely hide the sex factor so deep that not even I can admit it to myself anymore and will even now DIE for this love, as I know I want sex and will have sex before I even die and that makes this LOVE so real and pure, as it will make my very wish come true even at death, as I have through this love captured and trapped the other person/girl for eternity and she is MINE now and forever and thus sex is guaranteed even till death.

Day 521 – let’s see where this goes – unexpected writing.

This blog isn’t specific, let’s see where this goes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be irritated with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be irritated with myself for who I am within myself as the experience of myself consistently tip toeing through life not wanting to do something wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this irritation to be expressed as anger towards the world and to blame the world for me experiencing myself as being irritated with myself as if I am tip toeing through life in fear of doing something wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tip toe through life in fear of doing something wrong and that this wrong doing will define me and my self-value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be resentful towards the system and the people within the system and to keep this resentfulness against the people within the system as a way to blame them for how I am experiencing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry and tired at the system and to within this just want it to fucking disappear, even if it means through chaos and destruction, as a I don’t care anymore attitude that has taken over my mind as a point of me giving up my self-responsibilities and seeking an easy way out of this fucked up world that is here as the system , that enslaves me to fucking money and a life of not doing what I enjoy or can be capable of doing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in BLAME towards the system and to within this blame go and live in a state of self-victimization and self-pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in spitefulness towards the system within just giving everything my middle finger and saying go to hell and fuck yourself, you want to be blind and deaf, not hearing the screams and the cries of misery, so now you will just have to suffer the same, go ahead and suffer, at least this means the world will end and this stupid ridiculous system that is pointless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to HATE the system for destroying me as a child and enslaving me into a fearful mind being that can only live limitations that has been forced onto me through a fucked up system, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the system for what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and to define myself as, seeing and realizing that I made those decisions and that I could have instead NOT have chosen fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately live in a consistent mood towards the system as me being against it secretly and thus resisting everything within the system even while I have to participate within it to make money for survival and to become more and earn more than just survival and to use what I make to change this world, as I would like to be done onto others as I have been done onto, BUT first I must change what has been done onto me by myself and thus change the path for those that come after to not have to be done onto them as I didn’t want to be done onto, loving thy neighbor as thy self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Love and HATE money at the same time, as money is a fucked up limitation that decides everything in a very weird manner currently, yet I love it when I have it – a typical mind design of a polarity game. Never moving beyond the control of money and to be able to use money as what is best for all, but always riding a roller coaster with money and it being available or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to wish I was different and not me so that I could just be someone that is already perfect and live everything every breath that is necessary to bring change to this world instead of consistently falling into the mind and the cycles of self-harm and abuse and compromise and sabotaging every moment that might have had potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the perfect self that I see in myself that is possible as something that is out there, seeing and realizing that creating this perfect self is a process of physical application and the mind is fucking with me by wanting it NOW and thus if I am not achieving it now then I must be a failure and will never reach the goals/change that is required. Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be irritated by this energy game of polarity that goes from positive and negative in sudden moment as if I just cannot help it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I am not worthy of the best, and thus the best that is for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I am a fucking bad person and thus I do not deserve a world that is best for all including myself and that I just deserve a world that is going into darkness and being eaten alive by the demons as man’s MIND.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be tired and irritated and angry at myself for giving this personality of I do not deserve anything good consistent attention and living it as a resonant seed within me even while I am doing things that is in the best interest of all , yet my mood/personality of I do not deserve it is fucking up everything resonantly, yet I keep on living it within this irritation mind pattern that just keep putting me down, even though I know its bullshit and not real. – seeing the point of why I can see it and yet do nothing about it is annoying as shit.

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use “ I do not know” as an excuse for why I am not changing and thus waiting for information to change me where it must first make sense and why I must change, either through fear of consequences instead of me seeing and thus knowing the change and living it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a false Idea of caring that fucks me over as I care to much about the mind and the system and the consciousness of others and thus holding myself back in fear of not seeming like I am caring and compromising my entire process and movement believing that holding myself f back is caring for others. Meantime I am destroying myself and my potential by being so fucken self-conscious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live pretend in the name of self-preservation.

Day 458 – let it be on Earth as it is in Heaven

Let it be on earth as it is in heaven, this has come to past and we are living in heaven. The heaven we are living in is the creation we have on earth as the man made world.

We have for thousands of years misinterpreted “heaven” as we have believed heaven to be something out there, something that exist beyond the physical plane we exist as, we have believed it to be something beautiful and amazing and magnificent, we have made ourselves believe that it is something that is yet to come to earth and that it will come in a single moment like magic.

Because we have made ourselves to believe that Heaven is a place far away controlled by a being called god and this god is somewhere out there doing his job in mysterious ways, that is mysterious in its ways, yet all who believe in him apparently knows his mysterious plan, like he has one, like they have been told the plan, but when a man has a plan then he can only claim it’s a plan if he sees it and understands it and knows what the outcome will be of the plan, but by guarantee it’s impossible, because God never told anyone he has a plan, it has only been assumed, mysterious cannot exist with a plan.

So when we say, or pray or sing let it be on Earth as it is in Heaven we must realize, heaven is at the top and earth is below, as heaven is our minds, and what we think and what goes on within our minds on a daily bases is what we are creating on earth, as above so below, as within our minds to we create what’s below our minds – the earth.

So we can now also realize that heaven is a nasty place, our minds are nasty, we live only for our own plans and our own self-interested desires/wants and all that is not best for all life.

Heaven is here as the reflection of ourselves and we have already been living in heaven as it is, as we are capable of using what we call the mind, the brain to Plan on this Planet first before we make a move, take action and live what goes on within our mind to not fuck up or to not miss points and to prevent any harm that may come from our action and to live and create a life that is best for all life, as that is then heaven on earth, as above so below, yet we have missed the point completely.

We have placed heaven as another reality outside of ourselves and we have made it more and bigger and superior then ourselves, as the creators of heaven and earth, because we have done the same with the mind, we have placed it above us, we have made it something that functions on its own, we have made it a living entity on its own, we have made our tool our master.

And here we are, waiting for heaven on earth to descend upon us all and to change everything for us, like a cloud coming down to earth, when in fact heaven is but resembling the idea of our MINDS, and how we can create that which is GOOD as what is Best for all life within our minds and an idea, as Heaven and create it on earth one and equal in practical steps, one plus one, yet we missed the point for so long, for thousands of years we have Lied to ourselves so much we have come to believe that heaven is actually something where we go to when we die, when we clearly simply return to dust.

And the dust we return to will either be the dust of heaven that we created or hell that we created.

So to have a reality check, it is Below as it is above simply look around and see the world and what exist here, what exist here is what is going on in our mind, evil secret thoughts/back chat emotions and all that which is self-interest as fear, so check what is going on above inside your heaven and see if it is heaven inside your mind, where you live what is best for all life, breathe what is best for all live move as that which is best for all life and then you may be still and know that you are god, a co-creator of life.

We may currently call this heaven Hell, it will only change once we change – investigate Desteni, investigate the Courses that is here as the DIP Pro and the DIP lite (Free Course) and become a co-creator of and for life, and let’s make this heaven for all on earth.