Love, Sex and Relationships, Day 3 of 21 – Day 588

Love, Sex and Relationships, Day 3 of 21 – Day 588

Note: The following self-forgiveness are from points I have walked, and still walking. Yet all are relevant, here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question where the design of relationships come from and why I have accepted and allowed these ideas as normal and never questioned the actual physical feedback within this reality and what the current way of relationships has produces within this world as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never question myself and the way I approached relationships with other people, especially to create a shared relationship as a partnership with another and who I am within it and from where within myself I am approaching it and where that approach comes from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT question the design of the Desire for relationships I have within me towards women and why it is so specific, where does these specific desires come from, how did I just accept and allow them and follow them like a zombie.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to question why my specific Likes and Dislikes are just seemingly here within me what I like or dislike within girls, as if I was born with it, yet how can that be possible, does that mean that before birth where I had NO form no sexuality I have already had these dislikes or likes? This makes no sense and thus is nonsense, thus I see and realize that what I like and dislike is in fact NOT me but the proof of pre-programming and that I am simply an organic robot, unless I stop and breathe and actually live without judgment and direct and be responsible as a creator.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not question my sexual urges and wants, and why they can be so specific, yet I was born without any of them, thus where do they come from, why do I make them real, why do they influence me, why does my sexual urges and desires have power over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed sexual Desire and urges as Normal, even when common sense proves that it cannot be normal it cannot be WHO I AM, as who I am existed before and maybe after death, and thus these sexual desires and urges cannot be mine as they are limited and bound to the form of the physical, and thus also programmed into the physical through the mind as the system as the media, family, culture, religion, society besides the physicals basic expression for erections and sexuality.

Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make sexuality anything more than the physical design of the biology of my male body and to abuse the body through participating in the mind as images, pictures, imagination, fantasizing about others/anything and fitting my sexuality into that and giving that power as desires and urges and thus compromising myself and LIFE, as I am now contaminated by impurities as judgements and giving that energetic experiences and power of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT question anything within common sense through utilizing the physical as my reference but instead attempting to use the mind as knowledge and information to keep the illusions real and to keep myself BOUND to enslavement through the mind as energy, as attempting to be MORE than the physical which is without judgement and simply simple, direct and pure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Desire a relationship as something to fulfill me, to make me feel valuable, to give me a purpose in this life, where I want and desire a relationship to distract me from who I am, where the other person is filling and making up everything I feel I lack or am “bad” in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a relationship from the starting point of separation where the point of seeking a relationship is to find someone that will make me FEEL better about who I am and not challenge me to actually in fact change, to accept me as me without question, and where I can then share my life with this other person without being challenged and continue to be who I know I am that isn’t best for all.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the IDEA of relationships were something that my parents, society and culture had to teach me, program me with, for me to accept it as normal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the person I am in a relationship within is my possession, belongs to me, and thus, I have this experience when I seek a relationship that I must be careful who I choose, who I will possess, who I will owe, who I will control, in the fear of that if I make an agreement with someone that does not fit my IDEA of a “perfect” partner, where this perfect partner is actually just perfect within fitting my IDEA/believes and opinions, and thus Fear that if I choose the wrong girl that I will be challenged and thus NOT loved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on HOW relationships should work from my parents without question, and to just accept It as normal, as the way it should be, never questioning that if MY parents relationship was the IDEAL relationship as an example to me and human kind, then why is the world all fucked up? Abandoning all common sense for the sake of what my parents relationship showed me as the control, possession, deception, freedom to abuse and use in fact for the sake of how each person feels, and not how it contributes in fact to the world as a whole as creating and maintaining a world that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a Young kid, as a male, look at girls and feel shy, feeling like I am the Opposite of a girl, and that girls are aliens to males, and thus I must develop a method of deception and manipulation to simply interact with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a young kid, feel weird around girls, based on what I have heard and seen within society and culture, where males must be strong and confident and have the guts to simply TAKE a women, yet I always felt I missed those qualities, and so I found having general relationships with girls as impossible by just being me, so I had to create this game just to interact with girls.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the feeling of having NO support in my childhood years on what it is I am experiencing within me towards girls, the opposite sex, and why I am experiencing the things I was, and that I was left all alone to figure it out by myself, and so I would take other kids. Other males as example, what they show me, what I see ad what I hear and to within that program and train myself slowly but surely to become these other males, their examples, to find a way to define and direct what I was experiencing within me towards girls.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Confuse general conversation with girls as being different to what I had with Boys, simply because of what TV, media, family and society has given to me as an idea, that you need to steal a girls heart, you need to play a girls heart, you need to be a real man, where this real man Idea was so farfetched that I never felt like I was reaching it, and thus always feeling like I was losing out, and so within these ideas created by society as male and female and how it “should” be confuse my experiences with what others are saying, never really understanding anything I was experiencing within me, yes giving it definitions of the SYSTEM, such as what I am experiencing towards girls is called “love” – not realizing that this was simply other people transferring their confusions to me about that experiences they had as kids to me and “explaining” it. Calling it love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I talked to a girl as a kid and experiencing myself anxious due to what I have learned and heard from others what I as a male am supposed to be and what Girls are supposed to be and to then interpret it as LOVE, yet it was simply anxiety that was heightened due to me DEFINING myself in those moments within interacting with girls based on the feedback, if I am a real MAN or not. Which came from all the opinions/ideas and believes my family, culture and society has sold me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that when I was a baby I had NO internal experiences within me interacting with anyone, and that only later on after a lot of programming has already taken hold on me based on my sexuality and what it is supposed to be and how it is supposed to look and act, that I started creating Ideas/believes and opinions within me which compromised ME to simply express myself around anyone equally the same, where I would now place myself in a category of what type of male I am and so start searching and finding a “girl” that fits my MALE Ideas/believes/opinions I have created of myself, as what I DO have as a male and what I lack as a male and so find a girl that just accepts me and my fears/insecurities and make me feel just at home within my own believes/ideas and opinions that I accepted and allowed to exist within me without question since childhood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to confuse ALL the Biased information that I have received from society, family, culture as ALL the information as the feelings/emotions and thoughts that it created within me as “attraction” as “sexuality” towards the opposite sex, and explaining it as LOVE, and to within this connect the energy that was created within me due to all the information to sex and love. Seeing and realizing that all it really was is BAD education and NO understanding and thus I was left to my own vices.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at girls and to think, wow, they are so different from me, and to within this create a separation between me and girls and thus a point of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret this fear as the energy experience that I have/had towards girls as being a form of attraction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the feeling of fear/anxiety that I have/had towards girls as being something that “meant” something more than what was HERE, me and another person talking, and to take this more and to place it into two categories of love or sexual.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I feel insecure around a girl within communication and can’t find my words or stumble or feel as if I need to say interesting things, smart things, or make jokes that it means I must like her, there must be some sort of meaning to this that is more than me, and to label it as love, instead of seeing and realizing the facts that it is what I have been taught/educated about “male/female” relationships by society and where I have placed me within those definitions according to my Looks, my social stand, my economic status, and even my “race” as a human, and to either place myself high or low or in-between, and to within this I will also have different levels of communicating to different girls based on where I have placed them within these categories that society/family/culture has placed within me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am around a girl/women, to actually slow down and to realize and see that what I am experiencing within me has nothing to do with the other person, and that the other person has actually in fact NO power or possible way of making me experiencing anything within me, as if that was true then I would have practically been able to make any women fall in love with me at any time, and thus I see and realize that it is all a mind job, where I am playing myself based on programming/brainwashing/mind control that has been placed within me since birth by family/society and culture and thus what I am experiencing is inherently MINE and has nothing to do with the other person, and thus I am fully responsible for what exist in me and can never claim or say to someone else, that THEY are making me experience myself a certain way, such as LOVE OR sexual attraction. And thus it is actually blame.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when I want to create a relationship with a girl, where it is ONLY me and her, together forever based on how I experienced myself when I am in the presence of this other person, then the relationship will always and only be based on how I experience myself and hold the other person responsible for this experience and thus I will in all my power and control attempt to keep the other person I am in a relationship with exactly the same and never grand change or improvement for them, as that would mean I will lose MY experience that I have within me that I have attached and blamed the other person for as my experience as love, and then also hold the person responsible for how I will experience myself as anger, hate, frustration, jealousy, name them all, if they change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Believe that I must first be in a relationship with a girl/women before I can have sex, and to within this believe as a child, start playing a game of manipulating girls, to get girls to LOVE me so that I can have sex with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now use the fears and anxieties that I have labelled as LOVE to manipulate and deceive girls to fall in love with me, where my LOVE if covering ALL their fears, where MY love is now the band aid to all their insecurities and fears and where I then become the perfect match for them and so I have their Trust, and so I can have sex with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to through the early on realization in my teenage years where I realized girls fall for love more easily than boys as girls have more fears than boys based on the same programming Both boys and Girls received from child hood, where girls are fragile and weaker and more emotional and boys are the opposite, to play this programming by using LOVE as a way to get to sex and to within this abuse the girl and in the end make the fears come true as the “male” and “female” definitions that we were thought as kids and got as impressions as kids, and so continue to live out the sins of the fathers, and as I get older start looking for a girl that will give me sex and even marry for this reason and abuse and manipulate it all as being LOVE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ENJOY using the word LOVe as an easy way to simply catch a girl and to get her to have sex, and to even justify my unconditional LOVE as being real and genuine to the world, and completely hide the sex factor so deep that not even I can admit it to myself anymore and will even now DIE for this love, as I know I want sex and will have sex before I even die and that makes this LOVE so real and pure, as it will make my very wish come true even at death, as I have through this love captured and trapped the other person/girl for eternity and she is MINE now and forever and thus sex is guaranteed even till death.

Day 491 - Identity

Who am I, for as long as I can remember, I have been identifying myself with the system, with society and all the constructs that is here. I have identified myself with everything my eyes can see that is seen as acceptable within society, within the system, I have live many identities, I have changed my identities year after year to fit in with society, to become a part of society that is accepted within the majority of society. I have been Identifying myself with emotions and feelings, with the thoughts I have that I had to create to fit in with society, I have over time come to believe that I am this Identity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself establish my identity based on things that are outside of me, such as images.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an Identity for myself that limits me to this identity and thus what I can do and cannot do according to my identity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an identity for myself based on the idea that I was born without one.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the Identity I was born with was that of LIFE, and not a personality, as I can clearly state that I do not know or remember who I was when I was born, and thus my evidence that the Identity of who I am isn’t based on life experience or memories, as I already existed at birth as someone, as LIFE.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that who I am now as an Identity isn’t me, isn’t who I am but simply accumulated experiences/memories that I have accepted and allowed to define me, where I have given it value, and thus devalue myself from LIFE to something less, to a personality that is imperfect, and to within this imperfect personality as my identity walk in self-judgement consistently, never reaching my utmost potential as LIFE, as who I am in fact but has forgotten, that lies underneath all the memories (me more lies) and entangled within thoughts that occupies my mind consistently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I am now as a MIND as a personality as the identity that I have given myself is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I have become since birth is the real me, not seeing and realizing that who I have become is actually the suppression of the real me from birth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to hold onto the Identity that I have become in fear that I will lose myself, seeing and realizing that I will lose the identity but in return I will realize myself, layer by layer back to LIFE as the real identity.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see the consequences of Identifying myself as the personality/mind that I am now , as a state of self-judgement and limitation, where this state is in fact De-manning myself, as a demon, where I do not see myself worthy as LIFE anymore and thus within this mind set abuse life and do not care for life, but now only to sustain this false identity.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize holding onto this false Identity that isn’t me from birth and thus will not be me at death, holds everything that isn’t real and thus I live in a way within this identity that is sustain a world/system that isn’t real, which is thus abusing all life that is real to create a world that uses what is real to create the false.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize HOW damaging it is towards myself and all LIFE to hold on to a Identity, as an Identity has a certain mind set, and if this identity’s mind set is that of NOT change, of not caring, of only being interested about itself and its existence then the possibility for change and for ending all abuse of life is nil.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that Identity is and ID ENTITY – a Entity that has an ID, a license to live in me, where I have given this entity permission to exist for me, to decide for me, to take direction for me, while I sit paralyzed not able t do anything, as the entity has been given full control of my LIFE by my permission in the believe that this is the way things are and supposed to be, this entity is the MIND.

Day 117 – Being Skinny – The Machine within Part 3

I am continuing from Day 116 where I take quotes from the first Blog Day 115 and applying Self Forgiveness.

Quote 2: “This is bothering me a lot, since I am skinny and in need of some fat, Why? Because my bones are literally sticking out at places such as my hip bones, this is really uncomfortable when I lay down, any way any position, when I lay on my stomach it feels like the bones are peeling through my skin, when I lay on my back it feels like my stomach is laying on my back bone and my hip bones are sticking out and uncomfortable.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bothered with my skinniness from and as the MIND within thoughts/feelings/emotions based on Ideas/beliefs/opinions/judgments that occupy my mind and so put stress on my body which takes more energy from my physical body to sustain all the mental activities, instead of realizing that breathing and be here in and as the physical will stop all the energy my mind is harvesting from and as my body that actually takes physical energy such as fat and turn it into mental energy that then is “lost and so only adding to the weight loss or not gaining weight and to breathe and move here will support and assist me as the body in stabilizing itself and only using energy from and as the body to actually support what it is meant to support as the body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect being skinny to the word bothered and that when and as I see any sign of being skinny I immediately go into stress and fear of being skinny. and within this being bothered by it all day and existing within the mind as fear/stress about me being skinny and how I look as being skinny and how sick I might look being skinny and to then go into a state of polarity where I will eat and eat and eat till I feel I have gained some weight and might look a little bit fatter just to not be bothered by it, realizing that when I go into such pattern of being bothered by it and physically living the actions driven by fear/stress in my day where I tend to move the whole time and try and do things to prevent me from going skinnier I am actually through my actions of fear/stress as eating more training my body and my metabolism to work faster as I eat more and more and move more and more in the hope to prevent weight loss I am actually causing it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the physical actions that I take of and as a pattern that is reactive based on a thought that is motivated by fear from and as past memories/experiences and that this is actually only creating the problem as it is not based within and as the actuality of the physical but of a mind picture Idea/belief/judgment that is based on energy that does not consider how the physical functions in fact and so within the energetic movements as a pre-programmed robot I am actually only causing what I am trying to prevent as the prevention is based on illusions of the mind such as pictures memories Ideas/beliefs/opinions/judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the pattern of fear of being skinny within the fear of not being loved by beautiful women that I belief will only lover men with full built bodies such as seen and advertised on TV and magazines as brainwashing to create a society of kids/men that is insecure and that will spend Billions of corporations such as Gym’s and Gaining Muscle protein shakes and even end up using steroids, as the children is never taught about how the human physical body in fact works and looks naturally and what it is capable of in its actual form and that size has nothing to do with anything but Looks, leaving generations of kids chasing pictures/castles in the sky of Ideas/beliefs/opinions/judgment and that is all they ever will do never reaching that picture and always be in a depression and self judgment mentality that corporations will take and use to make billions advertising the few successful ones to lure in the millions – it is all for capitalism, even if it means breaking people deliberately to give a beforehand created solution. Its like creating a virus when you know only u have the anti-virus deliberately.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that if I had to grow up in a jungle all alone by myself, I would not have had any Idea/belief/judgment/opinion about how my body looks as being skinny/fat/muscular/just okay etc, and that all that would have mattered would have been the function of my body to do practical activities daily to have all my basic needs met and to life comfortably with and as my body in and as the physical and how the physical functions.

Point.

We all know Chimpanzees, they are monkeys that are quite intelligent if you compare them to the Idea of what intelligent is of the human “the human can’t even look after his own world and even seeing that he is Fucking it up, he continues, so I would not agree with the idea that Humans are intelligent, any way – Chimps are smaller than Humans, they have the body built/structure very close to a human, Chimps do not look like body builders, in fact you can hardly see any “big” muscles, it all looks straight and normal so to say – yet a full grown Chimpanzee male that is still smaller than a full grown human and is EIGHT TIMES stronger than a Full grown Man – so does the size of how your body looks like have anything to do with what your body is capable of in and as the physical.

Consideration - as the chimps do not have any Judgments/beliefs/ideas/opinions about their bodies as the human do – they are not limited as we are limiting ourselves to it or causing any harm to their bodies through the mind as the Ideas/Beliefs/Judgments/opinions. They simply live as the physical here.

To be continued…

Day 109 – Survival Characters Part 4 – Social Survivor.

I ended in the previous Blog Day 108 on where I saw how within self forgiveness how it is within parenting that the parents raise children/me in such a way that all we are taught is Fear and then how to run/hide from the fear, and through this we/I built characters that is specifically designed to always avoid/run/hide form the fear that is within, and how Love as the ultimate fear is what is sued to justify all fear.

I have come to see within myself how Love as fear can be presented – Lets say there is a Ball of red darkness mixed and it is a ball of fear, so now love is when you take paint and you paint rainbow colors over the ball and suddenly beliefs it is something different, but yet the harsh truth is, the ball of fear still remains a ball of fear you now just cant/don't want to see it as you have PAINted it with colors called love – it really only makes it look different.

So Now within the previous Blogs I can see I have gone on a bit of a ranting and raving on the points of the social survivor character as so many point opened up within it all, new points and I had to write them out.

So first things first – The social survivor character is/was created at Home, even before school and friends, because the first thing a kid learns is how to survive living with the parents, this is a obvious point.

When I look at it as a child I was born into this world, then suddenly within my learning environment with the teachers (parents) there was rules and do and don'ts and yes and no and there was all the things that was imposed onto me as a kid of which i Had no idea about.

For example – a parent will dress their baby/child a certain way to already Fit in with what is acceptable by society – where as the baby has no idea that such thing exist, the parents already force expectations from society onto the child to make sure the child fits in.

So here I see the problem is that I/children are literally raised as Social survivors without being consciously aware of it, as it is only made known through limited conversations and behaviors.

For example – when going to the mall the mother will dress the boy up in blue cloths because according to society a boy must wear blue and not pink, if the boy had to wear pink then the boy would not be accepted by society and be called names and seen as gay and not as a real boy and not taught and not as a real man – yet the boy is but only a bot and yet have no concept of what games the adults are playing, it is only made known through the behaviors and actions – and now here come the interesting part of why parents would do this. 

It is all because of FEAR – so the parents raise the child in complete fear and then call it LOVE, because the parents FEAR that the boy will be called names and not seen as a real boy or as gay or as not a tough boy if he had to wear pink, the say Because we love you we dress you in blue clothes so that you will not be abused by society. Yet the love is clearly only fear, and the fear isnt even necessarily always towards the child, it will be the parents own FEAR of not being seen as Good Parents, not raising their child to the expectations of society as dressing him in Blue.

And now the child grows up with this behavior and acceptance, because the child will see within others behaviors towards him with wearing blue that they are accepting him, being nice to him, playing with him, giving him attention etc, and so as the boy see/learn through the behavior he learns that it has to do with how he is dressed.

And bam there is one dimension of how the kid is now fucked into never being able to live freely as the boy will now always dress and built dressing characters to be accepted/loved by others, because obviously within the environmental behavior it was/is also seen how he will not be accepted and that people fear the opposite/polarity. 

So here we have one character of the social survivor characters of dressing nicely or according to what the community/society accepts. 

And this goes on, now as the boy have built this character it must be understood that this character is now a product of capitalism and dependent on how the world currently exist, so this character will enforce this abuse/behavior onto others. And as the character is built From love from the parents out of fear the child/boy will defend this character in the name of love – saying my parents did it because they love me, not because they feared for themselves and me, and so as the love as the fear in fact is defended the boy is in fact defending the current way the world exist as IN FEAR so that the LOVE that is justified can remain justified.

If the boy have to ever realize that he was taught to FEAR and then to Hide the fear with love just to be accepted in how he dresses and so create a world of fear that leads only to abuse and that there was in FACT a different way of life possible without fear and where a world can be created that is without fear, he would not have the love anymore or the fear, and the fear of losing love is the proof that love is fear and is that which man will always defend and the world can thus not change.

To Be Continued on Self Forgiveness...