Day 521 – let’s see where this goes – unexpected writing.

This blog isn’t specific, let’s see where this goes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be irritated with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be irritated with myself for who I am within myself as the experience of myself consistently tip toeing through life not wanting to do something wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this irritation to be expressed as anger towards the world and to blame the world for me experiencing myself as being irritated with myself as if I am tip toeing through life in fear of doing something wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tip toe through life in fear of doing something wrong and that this wrong doing will define me and my self-value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be resentful towards the system and the people within the system and to keep this resentfulness against the people within the system as a way to blame them for how I am experiencing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry and tired at the system and to within this just want it to fucking disappear, even if it means through chaos and destruction, as a I don’t care anymore attitude that has taken over my mind as a point of me giving up my self-responsibilities and seeking an easy way out of this fucked up world that is here as the system , that enslaves me to fucking money and a life of not doing what I enjoy or can be capable of doing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in BLAME towards the system and to within this blame go and live in a state of self-victimization and self-pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in spitefulness towards the system within just giving everything my middle finger and saying go to hell and fuck yourself, you want to be blind and deaf, not hearing the screams and the cries of misery, so now you will just have to suffer the same, go ahead and suffer, at least this means the world will end and this stupid ridiculous system that is pointless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to HATE the system for destroying me as a child and enslaving me into a fearful mind being that can only live limitations that has been forced onto me through a fucked up system, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the system for what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and to define myself as, seeing and realizing that I made those decisions and that I could have instead NOT have chosen fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately live in a consistent mood towards the system as me being against it secretly and thus resisting everything within the system even while I have to participate within it to make money for survival and to become more and earn more than just survival and to use what I make to change this world, as I would like to be done onto others as I have been done onto, BUT first I must change what has been done onto me by myself and thus change the path for those that come after to not have to be done onto them as I didn’t want to be done onto, loving thy neighbor as thy self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Love and HATE money at the same time, as money is a fucked up limitation that decides everything in a very weird manner currently, yet I love it when I have it – a typical mind design of a polarity game. Never moving beyond the control of money and to be able to use money as what is best for all, but always riding a roller coaster with money and it being available or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to wish I was different and not me so that I could just be someone that is already perfect and live everything every breath that is necessary to bring change to this world instead of consistently falling into the mind and the cycles of self-harm and abuse and compromise and sabotaging every moment that might have had potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the perfect self that I see in myself that is possible as something that is out there, seeing and realizing that creating this perfect self is a process of physical application and the mind is fucking with me by wanting it NOW and thus if I am not achieving it now then I must be a failure and will never reach the goals/change that is required. Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be irritated by this energy game of polarity that goes from positive and negative in sudden moment as if I just cannot help it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I am not worthy of the best, and thus the best that is for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I am a fucking bad person and thus I do not deserve a world that is best for all including myself and that I just deserve a world that is going into darkness and being eaten alive by the demons as man’s MIND.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be tired and irritated and angry at myself for giving this personality of I do not deserve anything good consistent attention and living it as a resonant seed within me even while I am doing things that is in the best interest of all , yet my mood/personality of I do not deserve it is fucking up everything resonantly, yet I keep on living it within this irritation mind pattern that just keep putting me down, even though I know its bullshit and not real. – seeing the point of why I can see it and yet do nothing about it is annoying as shit.

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use “ I do not know” as an excuse for why I am not changing and thus waiting for information to change me where it must first make sense and why I must change, either through fear of consequences instead of me seeing and thus knowing the change and living it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a false Idea of caring that fucks me over as I care to much about the mind and the system and the consciousness of others and thus holding myself back in fear of not seeming like I am caring and compromising my entire process and movement believing that holding myself f back is caring for others. Meantime I am destroying myself and my potential by being so fucken self-conscious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live pretend in the name of self-preservation.

Day 107 – Survival Character Part 2 – social survivor

So this is a continuation of Day 106 –Survival Character Part 1 – social survivor.

I ended up in the last Blog with the main point of why I “had to survive socially”, the point was fear of not being accepted and thus the physical consequences of that such as, being bullied and abused, this comes from actual memories where I have made the connections in life through how other kids (either older or same age) would treat each-other, and obviously such behavior is taught at home or from any Adult/Parent/Sibling and passed on.

So it wasn’t a matter of out of the blue thanks to Natural instinct that I miraculously knew I must survive, it was through actual events in the past that imprinted and thus Programmed into me as a child, thus looking at the survival characters I can see they are all not Natural and actually taught/shown/programmed into me or by myself through competition and self interest..

The first character I am going to walk and see is the characteristics of the Social survivor character and what/how/why the character plays out its roles.

Social Survivor character.

How: How does the character come into play, first I look at when is the character not in play, this character is not in play when I am all alone with myself in my room/house/area and there is no need to survive.

So the character come out to play its role once someone enters my “space” or before I have to enter someone else s space.

So the character is dependent on other “beings” and me being in their presence and thus accordingly to who ever the person is - I have a character that will act/behave/speak and be a certain way to be Accepted by the other character and not be attacked/abused/misused/bullied and so that I can survive.

This can even go deeper, as the How’s has a memory attached to it, each and every single “how”, because in the past a certain event/situation happened and I experienced myself a certain way and in response to how I experienced myself and validated the experience as who I am, I either judged it as good or bad and accordingly either suppressed it or not. and then create a character for each one, thus the good experience will now have a character that acts out in that certain event/scenario when it plays out because I made the connection “it made me survive and I am alive, either because in the certain event people liked me for what I did or who I was etc, and so for the opposite as the bad energy experience, I create a character that will in such events play out to suppress the past experience of the memory and play out a response acceptable to the situation that is acceptable and thus suppressing the past/memory on which the character is created or try and prevent it.

It is interesting that there is this thing all over the world where people belief you have the right to be yourself and if people do not like it, it is their problem, Yet I can guarantee each and every human on earth. that no one is themselves, not even once a day, because we all know, if we had to be ourselves we would not have any friends, any job, anyone in our lives at all, and we would be abused and bullied all the time, characters do not like characters that isn’t acting to fit in and play their illusion role. Beat the shit out of that MOFO they say – its a real fucking Cult(ture)

So now I am going to apply Self Forgiveness on the physical How”s of when I go into social survival character and the fears connected to the hows that is triggered by thoughts that come up, that is/was created from a past memory/experience and now the thought is like a red button that I activate to kick in the character to play out and survive, so deleting the memory also deletes the thoughts that is bred from the memory as certain connections I made as the memory/experience was created/happened and obviously every-time I am the one that accepts and allows this to play out, it can never happen without my doing it.

Self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when someone enters my “space” to immediately go into survival mode as a character that is accepted by the specific person entering my space.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am about to enter anthers “space” to prepare and go into a character that I have created specifically to be accepted by the person(s).

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I actually prepare myself before hand in full awareness to enter other peoples space and for others to enter my space as the characters I create to act a certain way around the people to be accepted socially.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as someone knocks on my door and I ask who is it? That I am actually through asking who it is checking what Character I must take out of the closet to play and pretend in a certain role that is acceptable by the person at the door.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as someone is knocking at my door to first ask who is it? With full awareness that I am asking in a fear response of who it is, so that when the specific person answer I can check my memory data base for past experiences I had with the person and what I fear of the person/myself and how I must act accordingly as a certain character that is acceptable by the person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as someone is about to enter my space to go into fear of not being accepted by the person and to then when the thoughts come up in relation to the person of past experiences/memories where I see a situation/event/scenario/experience play out and to then immediately create a character that acts a certain way to avoid all the fears and to not have to face the fears and rather suppress it just to be accepted and not be abused or bullied.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that each and every thought is of memories/past/experiences that creates characters each and every-time to hide and not to have to face what I have accepted and allowed within this reality as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am about to go to a party/show/friends/family/mall etc. To go into thoughts that is of the past as memory and to check within the memory what character I must Create and act out to avoid all the negative experiences within the memories that is fear based and to literally dress myself up and walk a specific way and talk a specific way as a whole character that I created that is false and not real just so that when I enter other peoples environments/space to be accepted by them and to not be rejected and abused and bullied, realizing that all of this is my own mind interpretations that I created within my mind through certain events that happened in the past that I connected as negative or positive and then made judgements of myself and the world and now I am living a lie to protect the lie.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that every-time someone enters my presence or when I enter others presence I change characters to be socially accepted and thus I exist as thousands of characters as I have created a character for each and every person and event/situation and literally lost/forgot who I am as the physical being, as I spend so much time in my mind creating characters and playing them out that I totally missed the one REAL character that I use all the time to play out the fake ones as the Physical body/flesh as who i am and to neglect me and give power to the LIE in fear of not being accepted by the LIE as LIEf currently is in the SociaLIEfe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I/someone is about to enter my space or me their to define me according to the thoughts that come up within me that I accept and allow to move me and to then create characters in response to the thoughts. Not realizing that I am actually telling myself I am the thoughts, when it is as clear as day that I am the flesh here breathing and the thoughts is/are that which I accept and allow and decide what to do with, and thus within validating the thoughts I create my of fear all the time and thus manifest that which I fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I go into fear due to the thoughts that I gave power due to certain memories and experiences of the past to give it power over the present here and to live in a constant state of stress/fear/anxiety of this fear of not being socially being accepted, not realizing that all it takes is to stop one thought in one breathe and I can set myself free in the moment and not go into a false pretentious illusion character that is a lie to myself and the physical and only keeping the lie as LIEf currently exist aLIEve.

Social Survival Character to be continued.