Day – 48 – bad boy continued.

This is a continuation of Day 47 – loving the bad boy

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when someone judges me as bad that it does not mean I am bad and therefore must now live as being bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when I accept someone else calling me bad that I am actually not bad until I go out and do physical things in my life and create myself as bad deliberately within my actions, and thus it is not the other person to blame as I am clearly self responsible for my own actions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the bad boy personality is just another personality that I have created myself through my own self judgments and insecurities.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when I went out and started living differently within acting out in life against the system as being bad within spitefulness that I was actually only harming myself as I set myself on the path of self destruction, instead of realizing that the system is fucked up and the current limited way of life where society imposes good and bad onto people through their own self created believes and idea on what is good and bad instead of living what is best for all life and thus instead realizing that I must be self honest and change the god damn system to what is best for all life and to not accept and allow a system that is fear based and judgmental towards life as normal.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the bad boy act/personality was part of my ticket to getting sex as I learned that girls like bad boys and so I pursuit in my journey of self destruction to fulfill one desire of obtaining sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that being a bad boy to spite others is actually me spiting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the bad boy live just happened to me, suppressing and denying all the actions I took within the physical as living and creating events situations to have certain experiences to upgrade myself to a bad boy as where I made it part of me, and thus it did not just happen to me, I am responsible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself believe I am a victim within who I am and become through my own actions that I take.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself within my actions as if I cannot stop myself as if I am forced to do the thing si do as the bad boy, realizing that I can simply stop and change as I am the one moving and directing myself to do the things I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to the excitement of being a bad boy, realizing that the energy as excitement that I get from doing the bad boy things will run out and that I will seek it like a drug addict seeking his next hit, and that this will lead to me doing more and more extreme things that would lead to consequences that will harm me and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider the physical consequences I am creating for myself and others within trying to be a bad boy in spitefulness towards those tat has judged me as bad, realizing that I am only harming myself in spite of the evidence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to break down relationships in my world and hurting others through my actions as being a bad boy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a asshole as the ad boy act personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  gossip about other people and being nasty to them just to keep up the bad boy act as being better more and less limited as a self created believe based on the idea I have created about myself as being a bad ass, realizing I am only placing my judgments as gossip and my insecurities on others and projecting myself on them to hide my own shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a jerk towards my fellow humans and animals and plants in the name of being s spiteful shit through not taking self responsibility for myself and who I am, and giving away myself responsibility to accept and allow others to influence me as who i am and live it out in blame and self pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as spitefulness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately abuse girls as the excuse of I am a bad boy – you should have expected it from me, realizing that I am within this only creating more consequences for myself as I break people and relationship around me till I am all alone and fucked within this world, realizing I created it for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body through drinking and drugs and fighting and doing crazy stunts to show off in the name of being a bad boy, realizing the physical consequences has a high price and then the bad boy will be a useless bag of meat at a early age or older.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in secret as a pretentious bad boy and to be a pretentious ass in front of others never finding out who I really am, as I decide who I am and not giving myself this chance through constantly feeding polarities on both ends missing myself completely.

I commit myself to look within my life where I access the bad boy personality and to see why, to write and to self forgive myself and to stop, to end the abuse caused within my world through spitefulness and blame and to take self responsibility as myself and to bring about a world that is best for all life and not what is based on stupid made up rules of right and wrong, but rather what is practical and best for all life (plants, animals, humans etc) and to stop the creation of mental unstable humans that has split personalities in secret and in front of others and create mental disorders that the medical industries and psychologist make billions off.

I commit myself to expose the current believes and rules of the world as it exist now as not being what is best for all life or any individual as it is based on fear and right and wrong and not what is best for all life as common sense but on stupid make believe ideas/opinions that is based on self interest and imprinted into the children and then play out as mental disorders where the child is constantly in a fight for what is write and what is wrong instead of real values and principles that is best for all life in all ways, thus establishing the equal money system is the path as the common sense system.

Day 47 - Loving the Bad Boy.

This is a follow up on my Blog 46 - I am a Bad Boy.

After accepting myself as being a Bad Boy through accepting and allowing certain events/experiences in my life to determine who I am instead of me and created self judgments and insecurities about myself I created myself as the bad boy - you know the type of guy that looks like he is hiding a secret side, actually you can see it, and you want to find out who that secret guy is, the bad boy.

I realized that girls in general liked the bad boy guys, the bad boy guys always ended up with the girls, so I obviously went out to become the bad boy.

Why do I say went out - because I had to actually now start doing physical things in my life that was seen/judged as bad, as not the usual thing people do/accept to be seen and done out in the open.

This is for instance smoking underage in secret, then it becomes more deliberate smoking in public, getting caught, building the personality through the events, designing myself accordingly, obviously just smoking isnt enough.

I had to do other things, weird thing, I had to get in trouble, I for instance started disrupting the class room and getting chased out, I started participating within groups of kids that seemed more bad such as fighting, swearing a lot, making out with girls in public, writing nasty stuff on walls bad mouthing other kids, teasing other kids, pushing other kids around, groups that did skateboarding.

I for instance went to the mall with some friends, these friends weren't in particular bad boy's, they were regular, so for me to stand out as a bad boy I would take condoms to the mall and fill them with water and roll them around, as regular people would react to this and find  it offensive, condoms are private things and here I am filling them water like it is big penises and rolling them around, then i would go  outside and chuck over the dustbins of the mall, and roll them into the street, obviously I did all of this with lots of laughter, like I was enjoying being spiteful and nasty towards the system.

Then It became more dangerous, i started stealing lots of stuff from different shops, what ever I wanted that could fit into my pockets.

I stole loads of money form people like drunk guys that leave their wallets open, I stole from family members, I stole money from working events, I really went all out, i would even get a couple of friends together that was regular people, and I would ask them do they each want bubble gum, they would say yes, so I would take my wallet out give it to one of them go into the shop and come out with bubble gum, to show them I stole it.

I even stole jewelry for girls and would give it to them as if it was my own hard earned money that I spend just for them.

I started carrying a army knife and knuckle busters to school in my bag and sometimes to the mall in my pants, just for in-case I start a fight or a fight comes to me.

Yet in-front of everyone else in my world I was someone else, like my parents and my friends parents, and my girlfriends parents and everyone else I wasn't "friends" with I was someone else, the bad boy was a secret self, hidden till it is night or I am with friends or alone.

I became addicted to fucking up my life, drinking was the most regular and most prominent part of my life that was increasing exponentially and becoming dangerous.

I stated cheating on all my girlfriend s and leave them after a a few months (2 months was my period)

The energy I got from being the bad boy through being nice and then erupting in moments as being bad, as a polarity game was addictive, as the small things loose their energy charge I had to do more and more and bigger and bigger things, it would have probably ended up as me doing loads of drugs, fighting a lot and being a asshole.

This si the part girls never seem to see, bad boys require excitement to forget about certain events experiences that they have accepted and allowed in their lives to determine who they are, instead of them breathing and forgiving themselves and decide who they are for themselves, and as the excitement runs out the bad boys will seek it out, and it will become dangerous and possession. Bad boys most likely turns into assholes of abusers.

The bad boy is a path of self destruction in the name of spitefulness.

Self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when someone judges me as bad that it does not mean I am bad and therefore must now live as being bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when I accept someone else calling me bad that I am actually not bad until I go out and do physical things in my life and create myself as bad deliberately within my actions, and thus it is not the other person to blame as I am clearly self responsible for my own actions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the bad boy personality is just another personality that I have created myself through my own self judgments and insecurities.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when I went out and started living differently within acting out in life against the system as being bad within spitefulness that I was actually only harming myself as I set myself on the path of self destruction, instead of realizing that the system is fucked up and the current limited way of life where society imposes good and bad onto people through their own self created believes and idea on what is good and bad instead of living what is best for all life and thus instead realizing that I must be self honest and change the god damn system to what is best for all life and to not accept and allow a system that is fear based and judgmental towards life as normal.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the bad boy act/personality was part of my ticket to getting sex as I learned that girls like bad boys and so I pursue in my journey of self destruction to fulfill one desire of obtaining sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that being a bad boy to spite others is actually me spiting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the bad boy live just happened to me, suppressing and denying all the actions I took within the physical as living and creating events situations to have certain experiences to upgrade myself to a bad boy as where I made it past of me, and thus it did not just happen to me, I am responsible.

To be continued..

Day 46 - I am a Bad Boy

I remember when certain events happened in my life as a young child and as a teenager where I did certain things, I was seen/judged as bad and how people reacted and looked at me after what I have done.

From the system perspective I was bad, I did do something wrong in the eyes of the people - for instance, when I was 16 I went to the movies with a couple of friends, I asked a certain girl to come with me, I had to ask her parents first, they agreed on the condition that I must look after her and make sure nothing happen.

So we all went to the movies, a couple of minute before the movies started me and another friend decided to go and buy cigarettes and quickly smoke them, we ask the other friends to stay and wait we will be back, they did not know we were going to go buy smokes and smoke.

We were underage and wasn't allowed to smoke, we went to the little shop that sold cigarettes to who ever, we bough two, as I exchanged the money for the cigarettes, I hear my name from outside of the shop, the girl who I asked to come whit's parents were there, they also decided to come, they now saw me with cigarettes in my hand.

I was frightened to what the parents would say to me and how they will react, I was cold for a few seconds because I was secretly smoking and underage, so no one knew I was smoking except my friend that was with me.

The parents asked me in a angry voice, what are you doing, is that cigarettes, they reacted immediately and grabbed the girls arm and said, come we are taking you home, the parents then told me, Gian we did not expect you to be this kind of person, we trusted you with our daughter, I said yes, but they are not for me, we quickly bought them for some other friend, the parents said okay we will come with you to see you give the cigarettes to the other friend, we knew we were fucked (caught out).

The girl then started fighting with her parents and said, mom,dad please leave it alone, our movie is starting in a few minutes, I then gave the cigarettes to the other friend and he put them in his pocket, I felt like shit, I am such a bad person. The parents trusted me.

So what happened next was interesting.

I started becoming bad, more and more, and in secret - because through the even that happened I learned how parents react and how they handle situations, they were mean and downgrading me, playing the guilt game making me feel bad deliberately, instead of breathing and seeing what is happening and accordingly act as to what is supportive, this is what I would have done, because now there was no lesson learned, there was only suppression and fear implanted.

Obviously I also did not know about breathing and remaining here in self honesty, if I did, this would have never happened.

That same night I decided I was bad, I can not be trusted, I am a bad boy, I had kind of a exciting feeling about it, I then took the bad boy acceptance and I started becoming a asshole, I pretended to be the awesome guy in-front of everyone and at night in secret I am bad, I take advantage, I drink, I use weed, I use girls, I started developing this more and more, I started skipping on school and classes, I got caught out and the same happened, no one gave me a valuable lesson to learn through common sense and understanding, they all just yelled, put fear into me and tried to suppress me, I obviously accepted and allowed all of this as me as who i am, which wasn't true if self honesty was applied.

I found Desteni at the age of 18, I was lucky, I would have probably not made it past 20 because of all the drinking and the secret thoughts and back chat of the things I was going to do, luckily I never got to do those things because of Desteni - I was judging myself as being bad to bad that I was abusing myself to become it, to live it, we live in a world of space and time - thank goodness

It is actually quite simple to see, if I breathed at that one scenario and instead of judging myself as bad and accepting and allowing myself as it and if I did not define myself as that in that moment, things would have been completely different, yet I did, thus self forgiveness.

Self forgiveness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to past experiences as who I am, realizing that who I am I decide in each breathe.

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a bad person due to past experiences as memories as who I am, realizing that I am actually deciding who I am in each breath, and that the past experiences is the past,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as bad due to past experiences that I judged as bad within my mind, through the accepted and allowed definitions of what is good and bad within society or within others eyes, realizing that if I am self honest I will see and realize that what is best for all life as a living principal in all ways is all that matters, as everything is self created ideas/believes of what is good and bad and forced onto one another through fear to have control, instead of simply living what is best for all life, buying cigarettes at the age of 16 doesn't mean anything when you live within what is best for all life, it is simply me smoking. (of course to be self honest one would see underage within the system can bear consequences so do not compromise self to prove a point, be self honest and not fearful as we are still within a system of control and fear based till we have the equal money system 2020.)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react on others reactions and words towards me as being a response to who I am as bad and to give it value as who I am, realizing within accepting and allowing myself to define myself as bad and to live out my live as being bad I create and manifest consequences for myself where I punish myself as self abuse as telling myself the whole time, you are bad, you are bad, you deserve this punishment. Not realizing that I am creating and manifesting it all for myself in each moment as my own self judgment as being bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live out the ideas and believes of myself that I have accepted and allowed as who I am through accepting and allowing myself to give value to others words as the truth about me and to accordingly live my life in self judgment and self abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harm others through my own self judgment as being bad and doing certain things within the believe that I am bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry the believe and self judgment of I am bad with me as a burden and living it out within doing certain things that is harmful to myself and others on a physical level and/or emotional level.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am the creator of who I am in each breathe and as I accept and allow myself to judge myself as bad in each moment that I am creating it as myself and thus no one is to blame, only I can stop and take self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing something bad in others eyes, realizing it isnt about others but Who I am as I create myself and decide as myself in each breath WHO I AM.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can only be bad if I am not living what is best for all life in all ways, as I am accepting and allowing a life of good and bad where both are needed for the other to exist, instead of simply living what is best for all life in all ways as Desteni has shown me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body through drinking and drug use within my own self created believe/self judgment of I am bad through accepting and allowing others words and actions as having value to who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold it against myself that other believe I am a bad person and to act it out as self punishment within my actions and words and to within this abuse myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as a bad person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a bad person in secret because of the fear that others will see me as bad for what I am doing, realizing that when I do things in secret I am actually abusing others and myself through my own acceptance and allowance of the self judgment as being bad within my head as back chat and thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is wrong to be bad, realizing that living within the principal of what is best for all life in all ways isnt defined by good or bad, but by what is best for all life in all ways through common sense and self honesty.

Redefining bad - not living who you are as life as that which is best for all life in all ways.

Redefining good - living what is best for all life in all ways as who you are as life.

I commit myself to expose the deception of good and bad created within the current way of life in society where good and bad is used to control people through fear and a reward system

I commit myself to expose that the good people require the bad people to be good and that the bad people require the good people to be bad, and that both are just the same thing of the same coin keeping people enslaved to the mind as the tree of knowledge and information so that no one can ever realize themselves as life, as that which is best for all life or even see that the constant battle of good and bad is only to occupy peoples minds to not stop and stand as life as that which is best for all life as Who I am